Taskmaster NZ S05E09
Taskmaster NZ S05E09
Taskmaster NZ S05E10 >>> https://dai.ly/x9550ai
Taskmaster NZ S05E10 >>> https://dai.ly/x9550ai
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TVTranscript
00:00Hello.
00:01That's for the haters.
00:02Come here.
00:03Come here.
00:04Jiggle a little.
00:05See ya.
00:06Oh.
00:07Oh, no.
00:08No.
00:09No.
00:10Oh.
00:11That's for the haters.
00:12Come here.
00:13Come here.
00:14Jiggle a little.
00:15See ya.
00:16I just need to be careful.
00:17Oh, yeah.
00:18Ha, ha, ha.
00:19Yes!
00:20Don't.
00:21Oh, yeah!
00:22Yeah!
00:23Ha, ha, ha.
00:24Don't.
00:25Yeah!
00:26Oh, yeah.
00:27Oh, yeah.
00:28Oh, yeah!
00:29Oh, yeah!
00:30Woo!
00:31Yes!
00:32Oh, yeah!
00:33Woo!
00:34Go.
00:35Nomai haere mai and welcome to Taskmaster.
00:39My name's Jeremy Wells and I was installed in this job after the previous democratically
00:44elected host was overthrown in a bloody coup masterminded by the CIA.
00:50It's unfortunate things got to that point but I think we can all agree it was for the
00:54best because now I am the Taskmaster.
00:58We are gathered here tonight to see five as yet uncancelled New Zealand comedians battle
01:08it out to win this, the Taskmaster Trophy.
01:13The five comedians jostling for the win tonight are Abby Howells, Ben Hurley, Haley Sproul
01:24and Tom Sainsbury.
01:28Our fifth contestant Tofinga Fipulia'i, as you may know, is unable to join us in the
01:33studio this season but we have been keeping his seat warm with the bottoms of beloved
01:38Taskmaster alumni and joining us for Eps 9 and 10, the one and only Chris Parker.
01:51And as always, here to do all the dirty work so I can keep my hands clean like a deadpan
01:57dog poo bag, it's Paul Williams.
02:04Tell us about the prize task would you Paul?
02:06Today we've asked our contestants to bring in the thing that reminds them of themselves.
02:13Okay Chris, let's start with you.
02:14What did you bring in that reminds you of yourself?
02:16Well I'm not here as myself Jeremy, I'm actually here on behalf of Tofinga and so the best
02:22thing that reminded me of Tofinga is his entire line of merchandise.
02:27Oh wow.
02:28And I've just done him a sort of easy buy style catalogue photo shoot there.
02:34So the tote bag, the t-shirt, the hat.
02:38And there's a hoodie as well, there we go.
02:39Your head looks a bit like an eel when it comes out of a cave.
02:46I know what you mean.
02:47Honestly I didn't think a hoodie could be unflattering but somehow it is.
02:52Tom, what did you bring in that reminds you of you?
02:55Well let's just look at it.
03:01You know, I think I'm just good at a party.
03:05I tend to go red.
03:08Aren't you vegan?
03:10I, yeah I am.
03:13Okay, Abby what did you bring in that reminds you of you?
03:16I brought in a haunted doll.
03:19Yep.
03:20Wow.
03:21Her name is Daphne and the thing about Daphne is she is haunted.
03:27I went over Daphne with my beloved Ecto-Ray and she is full of spirit.
03:33And that thing is 100% accurate all the time.
03:36Wow.
03:38I think at the worst Daphne is a bit disconcerting but at the best she could be a wonderful companion.
03:47No further questions Your Honour.
03:49I'm shocked her name is Daphne because I like your outfit and it reminds me of Daphne from
03:54Scooby-Doo.
03:55Oh yeah.
03:56Thank you so much.
03:57Yes that was absolutely on purpose.
03:59It's like watching pre-schoolers talk at the sandpit though so.
04:04Ben.
04:06Well I thought I might go a little bit more wholesome because when I think of the thing
04:10that reminds me most of me, it's my children.
04:13Aww.
04:14Yeah, but I can't give away my children.
04:17Well you can, it's just a long legal process.
04:20Yeah okay, let's do that.
04:24I've got two beautiful daughters.
04:26A lot of people say they look like me but I don't really see the resemblance.
04:34So you said obviously you couldn't give your kids away.
04:38You do realise how the show works?
04:40Yeah, yeah Haile convinced me we're going to do it.
04:42Okay.
04:43Oh I don't want them.
04:45Better throw the f*** up then.
04:49I will raise your children Ben.
04:51Oh God.
04:54Haile what did you bring in?
04:55Hello Jeremy.
04:56So there's a very popular board game and on the front of the original box, I'm pretty
05:03sure it's me.
05:06So if we, this is Settlers of Caton and if you look up close, that's me.
05:13Wow.
05:14Also Haile, a lot of nerds watch this show, it's Settlers of Catan.
05:20Catan?
05:21Catan yeah.
05:22Catan.
05:23C-A-T-A-N.
05:24It's Catan.
05:25No, Catan.
05:26I just love the smirk, why's she smirking so?
05:28Is the other Settler of Catan checking out your breasts or am I imagining it?
05:34It would have two T's if it was Catan.
05:37It's Catan, don't be silly.
05:39I do think that yeah, the little friend is having a geeze at my rack and good for him
05:46you know.
05:47Okay, Tom I'm going to give you one point because I see what you mean with the cheerio
05:52Tom, I'm going to give you one point because I see what you mean with the cheerio
05:56but to me you're more like an old English devil's sausage.
05:59Fair call.
06:01Two points for Ben, I'll go three points for Haile, and four points for the merch for Tefinga
06:12and five points because that doll's freakly like you.
06:20Everyone's warmed up, should we get on with the task?
06:23Of course, here's the whole task.
06:33There you are.
06:34There you are.
06:35Here I am.
06:38Hello Paul.
06:39Hello Abby.
06:40You're so cordial.
06:43What's happening Bella?
06:44Just another task.
06:46Another one?
06:47Yeah.
06:48There's two here.
06:49Yeah.
06:50Someone's got a hole in it.
06:51Yeah, I got a hole in one.
06:53I got a hole in one.
06:55Oh.
06:56So that's just there for that joke?
06:58Yeah.
06:59Okay, it was worth it.
07:00I sort of like the challenge of this one.
07:04No, okay, that was a dumb idea.
07:06Okay.
07:08Get a hole in one from the furthest distance.
07:10The ball can be any ball.
07:12A hole can be any hole.
07:14Furthest distance wins.
07:15You have 20 minutes or until you get a hole in one.
07:18Your time starts now.
07:20What would you do in this situation?
07:23Get a hole in one from...
07:25A far distance?
07:26Yeah.
07:30This seems pretty simple.
07:32Extremely simple.
07:33Get a hole in one from as far away as possible.
07:35Alright, should we get into it?
07:37It's a par three.
07:38It's Hayley, Tofinga and Tong.
07:40Furthest hole.
07:42Let's see if I can get in that par three.
07:44Okay.
07:45Any hole is a goal.
07:47Is that the phrase?
07:48I'm not sure.
07:49I feel like technically that's a hole.
07:51I mean, that's up for debate.
07:54We've got a whole bunch of balls here.
07:57I'm gonna make a hole using this tent.
08:00So what I'm thinking
08:02is that I will tape one of these onto the frisbee.
08:06There we go, there's the ball.
08:07That's good, you stand there.
08:08You'll move if it's gonna hit you in the face.
08:11Okay.
08:12Ready, Paul?
08:13Yeah.
08:17Yes!
08:19Oh, Paul, sorry.
08:21Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
08:22I'm not very athletic, so excuse me, New Zealand.
08:28I think the ball might be causing wind lag.
08:31I'll just see if I can just do this without.
08:34Oh my god, I'm giving up!
08:39I was hoping it would bounce off you and...
08:41Oh.
08:42We're gonna use the clubs.
08:43Hopefully my dad's not watching.
08:44He will be, he loves this show.
08:51Good catch.
08:52Crouch down and put it on the ground.
08:54Like, I could bowl it.
08:59Oh.
09:02Dammit, that was so close!
09:04That was good, that's the technique.
09:09Yes!
09:13Oh, I'm behind.
09:19Stay where you are, stay where you are.
09:25Yes!
09:31Stay where you are.
09:3317 metres, 92.
09:3517?
09:3617.
09:3717.
09:38Team.
09:39Yep, 17.
09:4017 metres, 92.
09:4392!
09:48Tom, I have never heard that phrase,
09:50any holes a goal, what does that mean?
09:53I just think when you play a lot of sport like I do,
09:55you're like, you know, there's two goals in the end,
09:58you know, if you get it in, it's a success.
10:00I believe, I don't know.
10:02Doesn't matter what team you're playing for.
10:04Yeah.
10:06Yeah, and sometimes you have to get an own goal.
10:09And sometimes you've never played sport before.
10:14Hayley, I thought it was quite interesting
10:16that you had to tell Paul that if the ball
10:18was going to hit him in the face,
10:19that he was going to have to move.
10:21He's a simple man, you know what I mean?
10:23And we're far along enough now that we know that with Paul.
10:26Meanwhile, Chris, I see Tuffinger just laughed
10:29when he hit Paul with the ball.
10:31Yeah, he's got to teach him a lesson
10:32and get his face out of that damn iPad.
10:35Look up, you know.
10:36You've had enough screen time.
10:38Exactly.
10:39We've heard the word Issa a lot, actually, in this series.
10:43Issa.
10:44And this was interesting because there was Issa
10:46when the ball just missed, Chris,
10:48and then there was an Issa when the ball went in.
10:50Yeah.
10:51Does anyone know what Issa means? Anyone?
10:53I mean, you know, have a look at the panel.
10:55Probably not.
10:57It's going to play out either way,
10:59but the worst version is we guess.
11:01LAUGHTER
11:04So, Hayley, 12m67.
11:07Tuffinger, 17m92.
11:10Tom, 25m74.
11:13Ooh, that's good.
11:14Ooh, OK.
11:15Coming up after the break,
11:17we'll have two more of the least impressive holes
11:20in one you'll ever see in your life.
11:22We'll see you then.
11:23APPLAUSE
11:32MUSIC
11:35CHEERING
11:37Welcome back to Taskmaster.
11:39Where are we, Paul?
11:40Our contestants were tasked with getting a hole-in-one
11:43with whatever ball and whatever hole they chose.
11:46Furthest hole-in-one wins.
11:48Up next, it's Abbey Holes and Ben Holey.
11:51LAUGHTER
11:53OK, any hole.
11:54Can I dig a hole?
11:55Any hole.
11:56Any hole.
11:57All right, Paul, do you want to play a little game?
11:59Come with me.
12:00You ready?
12:01Yeah.
12:04LAUGHTER
12:06How impressive.
12:07Do you like this little manoeuvre I'm doing with the shovel?
12:10Is that saving you energy?
12:11No, it just sort of suggests that I'm in charge.
12:14LAUGHTER
12:16I hope you get your bond back on this Airbnb you've got here.
12:19LAUGHTER
12:22Bam.
12:23No!
12:24Oh, shoot!
12:25Stop the clock.
12:26Oh, no!
12:27That was just a practice.
12:2973 centimetres.
12:31LAUGHTER
12:32Or do we count this as a hole?
12:34You could struggle to argue that it's not a hole.
12:37I'll use the power of my brain.
12:39That was just a test, that was just a test.
12:41OK, I'm back, I've got a second chance.
12:43I'm getting quite big with this hole.
12:45It looks like you're getting a nice, clean thing
12:47that I can just put back in there.
12:49Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do.
12:50Is this allowed?
12:51Yeah.
12:52Oh, God.
12:53Dang it.
12:54LAUGHTER
12:55Ugh.
12:59Come to Hurley.
13:00Oh, look, it's a hole, it's a hole.
13:02What do you reckon, Paul?
13:03That's a hole.
13:04OK, there's a small patch of grass missing.
13:07I'm just going to bask in real manual labour for a second.
13:12Four.
13:13Did you say four before you hit it?
13:15Yeah, to let everyone know
13:16that a pretty dangerous form I've become.
13:18LAUGHTER
13:20OK, you ready, Paul?
13:22I'm ready.
13:23For Temptahi.
13:27It needs to be stronger.
13:28Four.
13:31Four.
13:34Have you lost it?
13:35Oh, Lord.
13:36Oh, no, there it is.
13:37Yeah.
13:38Is that a fetching duck?
13:39I feel like it was going for the ball.
13:41Yeah.
13:42It's not a pond, it's just a hole.
13:44Oh, my God, it's a hole!
13:45It came out of a hole!
13:47Go away, go away.
13:48Ugh.
13:49Bowling ball?
13:50Yeah.
13:51Four.
13:54I went over it.
13:56Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
13:58Oh, no!
14:02OK, the thing about the hole is that it's...
14:05..very small and almost impossible to even see.
14:11Yep, yep, that's in, that's in, that's in, that's in!
14:14Stay where you are.
14:15OK.
14:19Paul, would you think I was crazy
14:21if you said, could we go for attempt one?
14:23So now you're going to argue that that is a hole?
14:26I was wrong to say that it wasn't.
14:32Wait, there was a camera in there, I think.
14:35Oh.
14:41The hole was so small
14:43that the editors had to put a circle around it
14:46so you could see it on the footage.
14:48I was sort of hoping you wouldn't show that one, to be honest.
14:52How far was Abbey's hole in one?
14:54So, the current leader was Tom, with 25 metres 74.
14:58Yeah.
14:59Abbey, 73 centimetres.
15:02That's the first manual labour
15:04that I've seen on Taskmaster in five seasons.
15:07This was the first task I did, and I thought,
15:09is this what the show is, just digging and chucking balls?
15:12I was like, I am in my element!
15:15How far was Ben's hole in one?
15:1829.3 metres.
15:20Oh.
15:21Yes.
15:22OK, so how are we going to score that?
15:24That means one point for Abbey, two points for Hayley,
15:27three points for Tofinga, four points for Tom
15:30and five points for Ben Hurley.
15:33Very good from Tom.
15:35Good, Tom.
15:36All right, what's happening on the scoreboard then, Paul?
15:39It's a two-way tie, both on seven points.
15:41It's Ben and Tofinga.
15:43APPLAUSE
15:45All right, Paul, can you hit me with another task, please?
15:48Sure thing, Jeremy.
15:49It's time for another team task,
15:51and this one is a task masterpiece.
16:00Here we come.
16:01Here comes the dream team.
16:03Hey, Paul.
16:04Is it left... Is it opposite, do you think?
16:06Do you think it's this?
16:08No, Drew.
16:09LAUGHTER
16:13Let's see what we've got.
16:15Bring a classic artwork to life.
16:17Oh.
16:18Best living artwork wins.
16:20You have 30 minutes to prepare your artwork.
16:22It must be alive for at least 30 seconds.
16:24Your time starts now.
16:26We don't want to do, um...
16:28Oh, God.
16:29Unless you wanted to take your clothes off.
16:31You should do that one.
16:32All right, Paul.
16:33You can say that too quickly and too enthusiastically.
16:36OK, let's go.
16:37We'll be back, we'll be back.
16:39SCREAMING
16:42LAUGHTER
16:43Good to have the young ones running around for you.
16:45APPLAUSE
16:49I'm starting to get a bit worried about you
16:51getting a little bit confident this season,
16:53telling our comedians to get naked.
16:55Just thinking about ratings.
16:57LAUGHTER
16:58I'm ready to see some beautiful works of art come to life.
17:02Who's first, Paul?
17:03Taking on Da Vinci, it's da team of three.
17:06LAUGHTER
17:08Hello, Toffinger, we're back.
17:10Very clever.
17:11OK, so if you hold those in your thumb there.
17:15OK.
17:16OK, start counting.
17:18OK, two, one.
17:22LAUGHTER
17:24APPLAUSE
17:26Is this the painting alive?
17:27Yeah, this is the painting alive.
17:29It's quite similar to it, just still.
17:32LAUGHTER
17:33Hi.
17:34She's breathing.
17:35She's breathing.
17:37Yeah.
17:38I'm breathing, Paul.
17:40Look how beautiful I am, Paul.
17:43Extremely beautiful, Mona.
17:45I love you, Paul.
17:47LAUGHTER
17:48Thank you, Mona.
17:49You can call me Lisa.
17:51She doesn't let a lot of people do that.
17:53Yeah, that's actually quite a big privilege, Paul.
17:55Just you, Paul.
17:56Was that the 30 seconds?
17:58It's been 30 seconds, yeah.
18:00OK.
18:01APPLAUSE
18:04The background was surprisingly accurate, actually, Tom.
18:08It was interesting, though, that you decided
18:10that she would be Toffinger
18:12when you obviously have a female in your team.
18:15Yeah, I don't know.
18:16We just felt, you know, Toffinger likes to...
18:19You know, we...
18:20LAUGHTER
18:24You know, play to your strengths in a team, right?
18:26Exactly, play to your strengths.
18:28And Toffinger has the kind of enigmaticness
18:30that is the Mona Lisa.
18:32Can we see your Mona Lisa, just to see...?
18:34Yeah, see, that's not it.
18:36And yours?
18:37Yeah, there we go.
18:38No, I think you're right there.
18:40Right, who have we got next, Paul?
18:42It's Salvador Haley and Salvador Hurley.
18:45I'm just trying to think about what I immediately remember.
18:48They look like they've had a tiff,
18:50but they're at a barbecue and they can't talk about it.
18:52Yep.
18:53Or they're just any marriage before 1960.
18:55Yeah.
18:56Yeah.
18:57LAUGHTER
19:00OK, your 30 seconds starts.
19:03Three, two, one.
19:08We'll talk about what happened when we got home.
19:10I knew I was going to get it.
19:12Yeah, well, it's the only thing you're going to be getting.
19:15Yeah, what's new?
19:18You don't touch me any more.
19:20You're a pitchfork.
19:22What are you going to do with that?
19:24Make some skewers, some chicken skewers?
19:27Some chicken skewers?
19:29Excuse me, man.
19:30Chicken skewers sound good.
19:32Shut up.
19:33You always undercook them.
19:35You get a sore tummy.
19:38WHISTLE BLOWS
19:40Really good.
19:41We did it.
19:42And honestly, if your hair does thin...
19:45Yeah?
19:46..I think you're going to be all right.
19:48I think you're going to be OK.
19:50Great.
19:54What happened to that bald wig?
19:56You had a bald wig hanging around the taskmaster somewhere?
19:59I popped into the make-up room to just get a low bun
20:02and I came out of here already cut a soccer ball in half
20:05and I knew where the bald cap was.
20:07I just was like, he's gone too fast.
20:09It's so crazy how your head fit in it so perfectly.
20:13It was very concerning for me at the time.
20:15Did it look comfy?
20:17It was quite comfy, yeah.
20:18It's quite cushy on the inside.
20:20I want to go in there.
20:21Yes.
20:22It was quite nice.
20:23Any holes a go.
20:24Any holes a go.
20:25OK, I need to score this.
20:27I thought the Mona Lisa was fantastic.
20:30Three points for Tom, Abbey and Tofinga.
20:33But I thought American Gothic was particularly good.
20:36Five points for Ben and Hayley.
20:40All right, that's enough art.
20:42It's time for us to enjoy what artists end up doing
20:45when they've run out of money in the artless hellscape
20:48that we call a society.
20:50We'll see you after these ads.
20:55APPLAUSE
21:05Paul Kimai, welcome back to Taskmaster,
21:07the show where the losers get haunted by their failures
21:10and the winner gets haunted by Abbey's creepy doll.
21:14Paul, it's time for another task, I believe.
21:17Actually, I feel like it's getting kind of late
21:20and I kind of need to go to bed.
21:25MUSIC PLAYS
21:32Hello.
21:33Oh, it's just me in here, is it?
21:35Hello.
21:37Oh!
21:39It's just the door closing.
21:42Calm down, Hayley.
21:43Of course.
21:45Scare Paul at bedtime.
21:47Scariest bedtime wins.
21:49Paul will arrive to go to bed in 20 minutes.
21:53Your time starts now.
21:57Scare Paul at bedtime.
21:59This is great, cos I'm naturally creepy, I think.
22:02Bedtime routine. Wash face, brush hair.
22:05De-slipper and then respect the taskmaster. OK.
22:08Journal 30 seconds. Bed.
22:11Reads for 30 seconds and then lights out.
22:15HE GIGGLES
22:18I wish I could do that.
22:19Paul's diary, keep out.
22:21I'll be respectful of that,
22:23because one time my sister stole my diary
22:26and read it at a sleepover with all her friends.
22:29I don't think about that either.
22:31Things I get really scared of. Failure, sharks.
22:34Getting older and the unknown.
22:36APPLAUSE
22:39Oh, no, she already touched me.
22:43Do you want to talk about that time when your sister stole your diary
22:46and then read it at a sleepover with her friends?
22:48Yeah, I don't know why I said that.
22:50Because it's true.
22:53What was in your diary?
22:55I've got the diary here and I'll read it out.
22:57I think it's mainly about how I was in love
23:00with former American Idol contestant Clay Aitken.
23:04I don't know if anyone remembers Clay Aitken.
23:06So was I. Yeah.
23:08Shall we see who spooks you first, Paul?
23:10Up first, it's Tom Sainsbury.
23:12DRAMATIC MUSIC
23:20DRAMATIC MUSIC
23:28LAUGHTER
23:30DRAMATIC MUSIC
23:36LAUGHTER
23:38DRAMATIC MUSIC
23:43HE SNORES
23:45HE SNORES
23:49HE SNORES
23:55HE SCREAMS
23:59HE SNORES
24:04Goodnight.
24:06Thank you, Tom. Have a good sleep.
24:08APPLAUSE
24:11Quite scary.
24:13Was that a ghost or a ghoul? What was that exactly?
24:15That was a ghoul, it was.
24:17There was also a mannequin in the bed,
24:19but that didn't seem to scare you so much.
24:21In fact, he was excited.
24:23LAUGHTER
24:25He sort of started suckling on it. It was odd.
24:27LAUGHTER
24:29OK, who's next?
24:31Up next, she's incredibly scary.
24:33It's Arby Howells.
24:39DRAMATIC MUSIC
24:41Yeah.
24:51Well, you're not looking too good yourself.
25:03OK, I'll be back.
25:05Like tonight or like another night?
25:07You don't know. Cos I don't know.
25:09I don't know what my schedule's going to be yet.
25:11OK, just at some point.
25:13At some point, when I've worked out my schedule.
25:17LAUGHTER
25:19APPLAUSE
25:23Yeah, the old torch under the chin,
25:25classic scary look. Classic.
25:27I channelled all my energy into the look,
25:29and once I got under the bed, I was like,
25:31I don't know what I'm doing.
25:33I don't know. She looks so much like Daphne.
25:35You look like Daphne. Yes!
25:37The eyelashes, the hair, and the little red lipstick.
25:39I know, yeah, OK.
25:41Oh, it's full of spirits.
25:43I'll tell you what,
25:45there's something about a ghost with a busy schedule.
25:47Yeah. Yeah.
25:49Probably means you're a good ghost. Yeah.
25:51You've got to do scaring all over town.
25:53Many people have wronged me, and I must make them pay.
25:55OK, show me another one, please, Paul.
25:57This guy is also really scary.
25:59It's Torfinga!
26:08SCREAMING
26:10Ah! Wake up, Paul!
26:12Wake up!
26:14I'm awake. I'm awake.
26:16OK. Um...
26:18I was scared you were in the cupboard.
26:20Oh, when it fell.
26:22It's nice of you to think that I could fit in the cupboard.
26:24LAUGHTER
26:26Go to sleep. Thank you.
26:28APPLAUSE
26:32I did not see that coming.
26:34The fear was understandable there.
26:36It's health and safety based.
26:38Did you see how close the wardrobe came?
26:40I came out of the closet in a similar way.
26:42You just tore it down.
26:44Slammed your way out. Far out.
26:46I was incredibly scared.
26:48Obviously, big fright, but also I was scared for his safety.
26:51I thought he was in it, and it had just fallen.
26:53LAUGHTER
26:56Anyway, let's see another one.
26:58Now it's time for a woman who's so spooky
27:00she's named after the spookiest night of the year.
27:03It's Hayley Ween.
27:05LAUGHTER
27:11I cast a freezing spell on you.
27:17As I've frozen...
27:21..my...
27:27..heart.
27:29LAUGHTER
27:31LAUGHTER
27:35I actually don't know how you're doing that.
27:37Shut up. OK.
27:39This bed's not super sturdy.
27:41I would stop moving it if you are under there.
27:45Who says I'm not in the wardrobe?
27:47Why don't you go and look?
27:49You've tied me to the bed.
27:53LAUGHTER
27:57SNORING
28:02SCREAMS
28:06Were you scared, Paul?
28:08Yeah, that was genuinely quite scary.
28:10APPLAUSE
28:14I think when all else fails, it's always just screaming
28:16at the top of your lungs in the dark.
28:18I'd actually sort of done a bit of everything,
28:20and it was all failing.
28:22Like, I'd put this Bluetooth speaker in the wardrobe,
28:24and then I was under the bed, and it had disconnected,
28:26and I was like, dammit.
28:28And I was kind of bamboozled.
28:30I was like, why don't you go look in the wardrobe?
28:32Just a Bluetooth speaker.
28:34LAUGHTER
28:36Playing nothing. It wasn't connected to anything.
28:38Yeah, OK.
28:40But the lassoing was expert. That was good, aye.
28:42Around there, that was superb.
28:44I was a teenage witch, so I know how to spook people.
28:46That's very high level. Thank you.
28:48All right, now it's time for the real stuff of nightmares, ads.
28:52We'll be back with more Taskmaster after this.
28:54APPLAUSE
29:01MUSIC
29:03APPLAUSE
29:07Kia ora anō. Welcome back to Taskmaster,
29:10where five comedians are giving Paul Williams frights
29:13in the hopes of winning their own human children.
29:16Is that about right, Paul?
29:18Yes. Our contestants are competing to give me the scariest bedtime.
29:22Now it's Ben time.
29:26MUSIC
29:30MUSIC
29:41LAUGHTER
29:48Hi, Paul.
29:50I'm you.
29:52Later on in your life,
29:54complete all the things you ever wanted to do with your life.
29:57In the next 45 minutes, your time starts now.
30:03I just want to go to bed.
30:05Wasting it.
30:07Once again.
30:11APPLAUSE
30:15Oh, my God.
30:17I can't imagine anything scarier than going to sleep
30:19with a picture of Ben Hurley beside me.
30:21OK, so the scary thing was that he would turn into you.
30:25Hmm.
30:27Was that scary?
30:29No. I'd be stoked if I grew up to be Ben.
30:31Aww.
30:33Thanks, grew up.
30:37How do you want to score it?
30:39I will go Ben one point.
30:41Yeah, that's fair.
30:42It wasn't particularly freaky.
30:44I think two points for Tom,
30:47even though there was a jump scare in there.
30:49I thought Tofinha probably deserved three points,
30:52cos there was only the one,
30:54but that was quite freaky with the wardrobe falling over.
30:57Abby was kind of herself and that was quite freaky,
31:00so four. Thank you.
31:02And five for Hayley.
31:04Yes!
31:06Thank you. Lovely.
31:09All right, Paul, what have you got in store for us now?
31:12Nothing.
31:13This is just two strangers in the park.
31:23Oh, God!
31:25Hi.
31:30It's quite a long walk, isn't it?
31:32Hello, Paul.
31:33I don't know you.
31:34I get what this is.
31:36Spy stuff.
31:39Yep.
31:45They said all right.
31:47This is a bomb. I'll be very upset.
31:49Oh, no.
31:52Just...
31:54All right. Yeah.
32:01I'm going to get my double chins.
32:11During the studio record,
32:13tell an anecdote that makes the audience go,
32:16aww.
32:18The anecdote cannot be true.
32:20During the studio record,
32:22be extremely curious about Ben Hurley's skin care routine
32:27at least twice.
32:29During the studio record, confident...
32:32I was going to say confidentially.
32:34Confidently.
32:36Mispronounce three different English words.
32:39During the studio record,
32:41passionately promote a fictional product.
32:44During the studio record,
32:46give the contestant seated to your left
32:49the nickname Mustard Hands.
32:51You must refer to him by the nickname at least three times.
32:54No one can know it is a task.
32:56Most seamless integration wins.
32:58Even till episode nine.
33:00Your time starts now.
33:01Your time starts now.
33:03Your time starts now.
33:05I can do that. I can do that on a dime.
33:08Any questions?
33:10What's your codename?
33:11Black Cat.
33:13They call me the Serpent.
33:14Oh, well, now mine sounds Lamb.
33:19Wow.
33:22Well, that explains some, but not all,
33:24of the very strange behaviour
33:26which has been taking place on the stage
33:28over the past nine shows.
33:30Shall we see who managed to pull off their secret mission?
33:33First off, calling the person to his left Mustard Hands,
33:37here's Ben Hurley.
33:41Let me smell yours.
33:42Good luck, Abbie.
33:43You smell like mustard.
33:47Now you're going to have Mustard Hands.
33:48There, focus, there, focus.
33:50Excuse me, can you let me focus?
33:52This is very important.
33:53Excuse me, I'm talking to Mustard Hands here.
33:55Yeah.
33:56So Hayley's chosen a sort of black leather loafer.
33:58Yeah.
33:59With a buckle.
34:00Classic Mustard Hands work.
34:02Yours had so many bits of, like, food in it.
34:05Might as well put ketchup in there.
34:07Mustard, old Mustard Hands.
34:11Wow, Ben, that was amazing.
34:14I totally thought that was just some bizarre Hurley...
34:19Same.
34:20I've never heard of that before.
34:22Mustard Hands.
34:23I know.
34:24I feel this whole time I've been lied to by you.
34:26We used to be friends.
34:27He had another task where he had to pretend
34:29to be excited to see me.
34:30It's all a lie.
34:32You must have been quite stoked, though,
34:34because that was part of your mission,
34:36but you were getting good laughs for the Mustard Hands line.
34:39I know.
34:40This audience is a lot tougher.
34:43All right.
34:44Who's next?
34:45Passionately promoting her fictional product,
34:47here's Abbey Howells.
34:49Oh, my God, her tattoos are so problematic.
34:54She's just best from far away, I think,
34:56even though she's a lovely, beautiful lady
34:58printed with Sexy Ink.
35:01It's Sexy Ink, baby.
35:02It's the best.
35:05OK.
35:06So a fictional company?
35:07Yeah, Sexy Ink.
35:09I also did another one today.
35:12Ecto-Ray.
35:13Oh!
35:14I used my Ecto-Ray to measure the level of spirit in the doll.
35:19Dude!
35:20And all of you just accepted it as some of the weird stuff
35:24that I would say naturally.
35:28That's good.
35:30OK, what about Tom?
35:32Making the audience go aww about an anecdote that never happened,
35:36it's Tom Sainsbury.
35:37You might not realise it,
35:38but I've actually got a very, very big head.
35:41And I...
35:43I haven't been able to find a hat that fits.
35:49And then I found this hat,
35:51and it was the first one that fit my head.
35:55And I left it behind in a taxi coming home from somewhere in Newmarket
35:59after having one too many mudslides.
36:03Sorry.
36:04Sorry.
36:09They always say with lies, like,
36:10don't put in too many needless details,
36:12and I think I failed on that, you know.
36:14Why did it need to be about mudslides from somewhere in Newmarket?
36:18But you know what? I think I sold it.
36:20Oh, the amazing part is that I saw tears start to well up,
36:25and I thought, well, this really is a moment for Tom.
36:28Yeah, that fictional fedora meant a lot to fictional Tom.
36:31OK, what about Tofinga?
36:33Tofinga was unfortunately unable to comment on Ben's skincare routine.
36:38Luckily, we had some friends help him out.
36:41And can I say, when you're real angry, Ben,
36:43something happens to your skin that just really glows?
36:47Hey, I don't know what moisturiser you're using, but you look great.
36:50Ben, can I just say, when the light hit your face,
36:53absolute delightful skin, what's your skincare routine?
36:56Yeah, it's good, eh?
36:57Yeah, what is your routine?
36:59Um, water.
37:01Our contestants are making soap using unique and inventive ingredients,
37:06like soap.
37:07Wait, uh, Ben, what's your skincare routine?
37:11Actually, this is a lot of pink fat.
37:18Oh, that was very good.
37:19Bubba going twice in a row there almost within about five minutes,
37:22that was gutsy.
37:23Yeah, then she said she was going to become a stripper,
37:25and I thought, oh, people are hitting on me again.
37:29OK, what about Hayley?
37:30Finally, confidently mispronouncing three words, here's Hayley Sproul.
37:35Stay tuned for tickets for our performance of Little Shop of Horrors.
37:39I absolutely can't wait for that.
37:41You've never been through childbirth, have you?
37:45I've never been through childbirth, no.
37:48Oh, right.
37:49No, I haven't.
37:50No, I mean, I have.
37:51So, if we...
37:52This is Settlers of Caton, and if you look up close,
37:56that's me.
37:58Wow.
38:00Also, Hayley, a lot of nerds watch this show.
38:03It's Settlers of Caton.
38:10I don't come across as the most likeable in those clothes.
38:15Real nitpicker.
38:17You're going to really love watching this show, Ben.
38:19You literally caught me two out of my three times.
38:21And absolutely pitted.
38:22How insufferable.
38:24I'm actually in mispronunciation.
38:29I was so nervous about doing that one today,
38:32because it's so embarrassing to call Settlers of Caton
38:35Settlers of Caton.
38:38So, am I going to have to judge everybody?
38:40This is impossible.
38:41So, everybody did their task?
38:43Essentially, yeah.
38:47Five points, everyone.
38:50Very good.
38:52Yeah, that's right.
38:53Slap those mustard hands together.
38:56Now it's time for a secret mission for you at home.
38:59Watch all these ads and let them influence your consumer choices
39:03in the future.
39:04We'll be back after this.
39:19Nau mai, hoki mai.
39:20Welcome back to Taskmaster.
39:22We're about to embark on a live task
39:24and award one New Zealand comedian
39:26one of the worst prize packs ever offered on television.
39:30Excuse me.
39:31But first, can we get a lay of the land score-wise, please, Paul?
39:36Yes, Jeremy.
39:37You've actually just really insulted Ben Hurley's kids.
39:41And my doll.
39:45And my little sausage.
39:50OK, it's unbelievably tight.
39:53We've got three people on 18,
39:55but in first with 20 points, it's Hayley Sproul.
39:58All right.
39:59Time to go right to mate.
40:01Everyone, please get up to the stage for the live task.
40:08So, how's this going to work, Paul?
40:10Ben Hurley, can you please read this task?
40:13Oh, sure.
40:14Do you want me to hold it?
40:15Yeah, that'd be great.
40:19OK.
40:20For two minutes, simultaneously eat spaghetti,
40:23keep your balloon off the ground
40:25and participate in Paul's pub quiz
40:27all while being naturally photogenic.
40:32Your camera can go off at any point during the two minutes
40:35most photogenic photo wins.
40:37Oh, my God.
40:38Most correct quiz answers receives two bonus points.
40:42Most spaghetti eaten gets a bonus point.
40:45If your balloon hits the ground, you lose a point.
40:48Your time starts on Paul's whistle.
40:50What on earth?
40:52Here's my worst fear.
40:54It catches me throwing up.
40:57Are you allergic to spaghetti?
40:59No, I'm allergic to your bullshit.
41:03Oh!
41:07On my whistle.
41:09WHISTLE BLOWS
41:16What is the name of the river that flows through Rome?
41:20Tiber.
41:21Correct, Ben.
41:22How many times have Italy won the FIFA World Cup?
41:26Four times.
41:27Correct, Chris Parker.
41:28Oh, my God.
41:29Balloon has hit the ground.
41:31What is the primary ingredient in risotto?
41:34Rice!
41:35Aborio rice!
41:36Aborio rice!
41:37I'm giving it to Hayley.
41:39Hayley, correct.
41:40What animal native to China shares a name with an Italian car?
41:45Who said panda first?
41:46Me, Sainsbury.
41:47Tom Sainsbury.
41:49How many owls are in the word coliseum?
41:52Three!
41:53Four!
41:54One!
41:55Is someone saying four?
41:56Two!
41:57One!
41:58Correct, Tom.
41:59What is the Italian word for spaghetti?
42:02Spaghetti!
42:03Tom Sainsbury, correct.
42:05What country does James Bond have a boat chasing in Russia with love?
42:10Russia!
42:11Copenhagen!
42:12Wellington!
42:13Well, Italy!
42:14Italy, correct.
42:15Tom Sainsbury.
42:16What are the three ingredients in a margarita pizza?
42:20Potato!
42:21Potato!
42:22Cheese!
42:28Could you hear who got that last question right?
42:30Yeah, I think it was Hayley.
42:33Okay.
42:35Come on down and we'll see how these photos turned out.
42:43Thanks for shouting dinner, Jeremy.
42:45Pleasure.
42:46Warm enough for you?
42:47Just how I like it.
42:48Ten degrees.
42:50Yes.
42:51So Chris did like it.
42:52He ate the most spaghetti.
42:56No.
42:57Well done.
42:58Don't clap that.
42:59That is so embarrassing.
43:01So that's plus one for Chris.
43:03However, his balloon was the only balloon to touch the ground.
43:06So that's minus one for Chris.
43:08That's okay.
43:09And Tom gets plus two for the most trivia questions answered.
43:12Correctly.
43:14Well done, Tom.
43:15Well done.
43:16Should we look at the photos?
43:17I can't wait to see these photos.
43:19Who are we going to start with?
43:21Here's Tom.
43:22Okay.
43:23Oh, okay.
43:25Oh, I like that I can see what you're eating.
43:29Okay.
43:30Should we see Chris?
43:31No.
43:33Oh.
43:34I look really good.
43:36Look at my bone structure.
43:38Where are you?
43:39Where are you?
43:40It was a moment where he was sort of coming towards the front of the stage to get his balloon.
43:44Or heat that pasta up for another serving of that.
43:48I'm expecting a lot from Hayley.
43:50She was working the lens.
43:51Yes.
43:52Hayley.
43:54Whoa.
43:57You said it's Chris's picture.
43:59Well, there I am.
44:02Can I honestly say, that is the worst photo of me to ever have.
44:07Chris is not being judged on that.
44:09He's being judged on his line.
44:10Well, I am.
44:12I also was about to say, that's an unflattering angle of my jawline.
44:16But if you just sort of look to the right, it's actually okay.
44:18I got you, mate.
44:19I got you.
44:21It's giving waist.
44:22It's giving boobs.
44:23It's great.
44:24There's a little bit of spaghetti sort of dripping through your cleavage there, which is beautiful.
44:28Sexy.
44:29Okay, Ben Hurley.
44:30Here's Ben Hurley.
44:33Wow.
44:34Ben Hurley.
44:36I'm trying to staunch the camera out.
44:39That's actually one of the best photos I've ever seen of you, Ben, to be honest.
44:42All right, let's see Abby last of all.
44:44Here's Abby.
44:48Goodness sake.
44:49Stop it.
44:51Wow.
44:52Abby, come on.
44:54No, that's how the divas do it.
44:58Amazing.
44:59So how do you want to score it?
45:00Okay, well, Chris is obviously one.
45:03He's not in there.
45:04Sorry, Chris.
45:05That's fine.
45:06Hayley, two.
45:07Tom, three.
45:09Ben, four.
45:10And of course, Abby, five.
45:11How could that not be?
45:15Should we do a series score update?
45:18I'd love a series score update.
45:20With a two-point lead, currently leading season five, it's Hayley Sproul.
45:27Two points.
45:28I'll take it.
45:30All right.
45:31Let's focus on the now, Paul.
45:33Who was our episode nine winner?
45:35It was a nail-biter, but with 23 points, the winner of episode nine is Abby Howell.
45:41Congratulations, Abby.
45:43You are now the proud owner of a bunch of stuff that reminds other comedians of themselves.
45:48Please head up to the stage and enjoy your bounty.
45:53Ngā mihi o te pō.
45:54Good night.
46:01What?
46:12Welcome to the grand finale of season five of Taskmaster.
46:19This is the episode that matters.
46:22Where our winner is crowned.
46:25And where history is written.
46:30Oh, my God.