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Lucio Buffalmano is a sociologist and global authority on power dynamics and men’s self-development.
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Lucio Buffalmano is a sociologist and global authority on power dynamics and men’s self-development.
He founded ThePowerMoves in 2016 to help good men win—without becoming as*holes.
Today, TPM is the #1 site for mastering power, strategies, and winning at life.
https://thepowermoves.com/
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LearningTranscript
00:00Sometimes women gang up against men. Call it the sisterhood.
00:04And the sisterhood can be dangerous when your girlfriend is part of it.
00:09So we're going to review why it happens, when it happens, and when to worry about it.
00:14First off, do not exaggerate the case for the sisterhood like some men in the manosphere do.
00:20Women are not a monolithic block and they compete amongst themselves.
00:24Second, it's often a great sign for you. Why?
00:28Think about it. Women do not need to gang up and do not need each other's support
00:35for low value men. Low value men do not go anywhere.
00:40They do not have many options and they are very easy to control.
00:44Women do not need other women to keep low value men, to control them, and to be in charge with
00:51them. Instead, women do need and seek the support of other women when they are dealing with high
00:57value men. Higher value men have many options. They are not as easy to make commit.
01:03And that's why women use other women as emotional support, for advice, to decode the messages that
01:11they send, and sometimes also to send power moves through their friends, as we will see.
01:18So now we will see two examples of sisterhood with women I was dating.
01:23One of them was a good type of sisterhood. The other one was very negative.
01:27This will help you understand both the general dynamics and when you need to worry about it.
01:32The first one is quite funny. We were at a party. I was with my ex back then,
01:37let's call her Katerina, and the friend of Katerina talking to me said,
01:43you are so lucky to be dating Katerina. It's a power move towards me,
01:49but it's not so bad and you can easily check it.
01:52Going back to what we said originally, this for me was actually a good sign.
01:56It meant that Katerina was talking a lot about me, that she was worried about
02:02locking me down, making me commit, and that her friend was supporting her,
02:07which is also a good sign. What was the power move there?
02:11Well, one, it potentially devalued me because it said Katerina is a great woman.
02:17She's very attractive. Maybe she's higher value than you.
02:20So that's why you need to intervene. However, it's not too bad because yes,
02:25you want to be dating attractive and high quality women.
02:28So, you know, while it didn't exactly build me up, at least built up my girlfriend.
02:35So at that point, the only thing you need to do is to bring yourself back up again.
02:39And what I replied was, yes, indeed. And she's also lucky to be dating me.
02:45To which she replied, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right.
02:48There you go. Same woman, another party.
02:51And she told me that it was not cool that I made Katerina pay at a date we were at.
02:57She explained instead that at the beginning of dating, you as the man pay.
03:01And then later on, you can talk about how to split the various financial burdens.
03:07Again, this was not too bad because you have to understand also the background.
03:12You cannot analyze moves and power moves and social dynamics without understanding the background.
03:17The background in this case for my girlfriend was that her father was an Asian father who
03:24wanted to get with a white woman. Not always, please.
03:28But in general, for Asian men, it can be harder to get with white women,
03:32especially in the case of my girlfriend, because in that area was a little bit backward racist.
03:38So, you know, typical white guy first and then all the rest.
03:41So her father dated with money first.
03:45He was not super wealthy. He was not extremely rich, but he was well off.
03:50So he simped it out in a way.
03:52He dated by paying everything, promising endless support.
03:56And that's what he did.
03:59Eventually, she never worked.
04:00He always worked hard to make her every wish come true.
04:04Treat her as a princess, etc., etc.
04:07So my girlfriend grew up with a father who pedestalized their mother,
04:12paid everything, did everything.
04:14Plus, she was an attractive woman.
04:17So in the past, she probably dated with other men who were OK with, you know, paying for everything.
04:24Why was the sisterhood OK in this case?
04:27First of all, you have to understand what they said, but also how she said it.
04:31And it was never aggressive.
04:33It was never unfriendly.
04:35It was obvious that she liked me, that she respected me.
04:38And also keep in mind always the person who does it.
04:43This friend of my girlfriend was a great character.
04:47She was a fantastic woman, like beautiful inside.
04:50And actually as a character, she was even better than my girlfriend.
04:55So I was happy that they were friends and I was happy that she was supporting her.
05:01Speaking of which, if you want to be a high quality man,
05:04you also have to be a little bit open minded and you have to develop some sense of fairness.
05:10In this case, the sense of fairness is, think of it this way.
05:14They are friends for many years.
05:16She is not your long term friend.
05:19Why would you expect that she supported you instead of supporting her girlfriend?
05:25She should support her girlfriend.
05:28That's a good thing.
05:29I was happy that my girlfriend had a supportive friend.
05:34And I was happy also because she was a great woman.
05:38And you know, when you hang out with people who are higher quality than you are, they pull you up.
05:42So I was very happy about the friendship.
05:45And finally, it was also good for me because her friend was very wealthy,
05:50had a great flat, threw a great party.
05:53So it was win, win, win.
05:55Still keep in mind, you still address these power moves.
05:58And when you address them well, they are opportunities for you
06:03to show what a cool, high quality man you are.
06:05So in this second case, how I replied was basically saying what I usually tell you guys.
06:11So what I said was I smiled about it, laughed about it.
06:15And then I basically told her what I usually tell you.
06:18I told her that, yes, some guys do that.
06:22And that's OK if they like it.
06:24But I'm a cool guy.
06:26And you know, to be with a cool guy, you're also supposed to contribute.
06:30And then I talked about my value and people and couples who contribute
06:33to each other and are happy to do so.
06:35And for you, it's an opportunity.
06:37She agrees.
06:38She tells you to your girlfriend.
06:40So she helps your girlfriend to also adopt these better mindsets.
06:44And win, win, win.
06:45I was very happy of that sisterhood.
06:48Now, let's see the negative sisterhood example.
06:51In this other case, I was with an ex-girlfriend and her friend.
06:56Let's call the ex-girlfriend Lori.
06:58We were out the night with my girlfriend, a few other guys and the bestie.
07:03At a certain point, the bestie left and she told me.
07:06First, it was something like about be good to her, something like that.
07:11And then she said, I'm watching you.
07:14Think about that.
07:15First off, it's another power move.
07:17One, who the fuck are you to watch me?
07:20But even worse, it's very nasty.
07:23Think about the covert frame.
07:25The covert frame is that you are somebody that needs to be watched.
07:30Somebody who cannot be trusted.
07:33Who can be trusted instead?
07:35Her.
07:36Her was watching you.
07:38Her was your girlfriend's best interest and not you.
07:42This is a terrible, terrible frame.
07:45You need to intervene.
07:46Otherwise, it will undermine the trust of your relationship.
07:51Second power move she pulled.
07:52I don't want to go too much into details because this is recent.
07:56It's my last relationship.
07:58As far as I know, my ex may still be watching these videos.
08:02So I want to be very respectful.
08:04I usually don't make big gifts.
08:06I usually don't make material gifts.
08:08But in this case, it was a little bit more of a significant gift.
08:11Just as an example, it was not a phone.
08:13But imagine it was a phone.
08:15You give the phone as a gift and the person who accepts it tells you,
08:20But there is no cover here.
08:23And you think, what the fuck are you talking about?
08:25I just gave you a phone.
08:26Even if you think about the cost, the phone costs 100 times more than the cover.
08:31And you go to point the cover.
08:33But even more than the cost, it's about you expect some gratitude,
08:37some happiness for the gift.
08:39You do not expect somebody to point out the defects, right?
08:43But of course, as you may imagine, it was not my girlfriend who said that.
08:48It was the best friend.
08:52And when I heard that, it was on a call.
08:54And the bestie said that in the background.
08:56And I thought, God, so fucking cheap.
08:59Please do not adopt these mindsets.
09:01Also, keep in mind that red flags like these are like cockroaches.
09:05You see one, but there are 10 more in the background.
09:09So who knows what else she said while I wasn't there.
09:12Third and last example.
09:13There are more, but you know, just to give you an idea.
09:16I wanted to send some flowers for my girlfriend's birthday at her office.
09:21But I wasn't sure whether she would be at work.
09:24So I asked her and this is what she told me.
09:27Oh, you're sending flowers.
09:29But you know what Lori really likes?
09:32I saw this, what was coming, but I asked her anyway.
09:36Okay, what does she like?
09:37She really likes shopping.
09:39Oh, I didn't expect that from you.
09:41You know, totally, totally unexpected.
09:47I only sent the flowers without any bonuses attached.
09:51And my girlfriend was so happy about it.
09:54Even told me the story that a gay colleague at work was jealous,
09:58which I thought was funny.
09:59But this tells you the different mindsets.
10:02My girlfriend never talked about shopping,
10:04never stopped to any shopping place when we were out together.
10:08And her girlfriend comes up with this story to make me spend money.
10:12Which it would have been okay to spend money if it comes from me
10:16or if we're okay with that, but not under her pressure.
10:20So can you see now the difference?
10:23One, the sisterhood in this case was about spend money on her,
10:28materialistic, bad mindsets, untrustworthy towards me,
10:33driving a wedge between us.
10:35So what do you do in these cases?
10:37Well, this is a case where isolating can be helpful.
10:41Quick side note, by the way,
10:43usually isolating has a very, very negative connotation.
10:47Usually you say isolating the victim, right?
10:51When you see those lists of toxic relationships,
10:54relationship with narcissists, isolating the victim is always there.
10:59But you as a smart guy understand that any strategy or technique
11:05can be fair sometimes and sometimes can also be good.
11:09This is such a case.
11:10To not isolate them will mean that this friend continues to operate
11:16in the background, driving a wedge between you two,
11:19making her trust you less, maybe even love you less.
11:22And everybody loses.
11:24Your girlfriend loses, you lose.
11:26The only person who may be winning is the bad friend.
11:31But only if she's a bad friend.
11:34Think about it.
11:34What friend will gain if her best friend becomes sadder
11:40with a worse relationship,
11:41maybe loses the relationship because of you.
11:44There is nothing to gain there unless you are a toxic person yourself,
11:49in which case you are happy if your friends fail.
11:52That is the toxic mindset of low quality women and low quality men as well.
11:58So in these cases, isolating your girlfriend from this terrible influence
12:03is exactly what you should do.
12:05How do you do that?
12:06Well, there are many ways.
12:07This is a little bit more advanced game.
12:09And we're going to talk about it in the next video.
12:13Sorry, guys, I don't want to leave a cliffhanger,
12:15but nobody watches 30 minutes videos.
12:18So we got to break it up a little bit more.
12:20Plus, that's a different topic.
12:22So it deserves its own video.
12:23For now, thank you so much for watching, guys.
12:26And please like if you liked it, subscribe if you find it helpful.
12:30And I'll see you on the next video.
12:32Cheers, guys.
12:33Ciao, ciao, see you.