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FunTranscript
00:00Your hands are at ten and two. Good. Steady on the gas. Okay. Now you're going to want
00:13to slowly switch lanes.
00:15Why?
00:16Because there are only two and you're not in either of them.
00:21Atta boy! Well done! Thank you. By the last time I drove, I was terrified, but this is
00:31fun.
00:32You're doing great.
00:34You're a good teacher. Your son is going to be lucky to have you as a father.
00:44Thanks.
00:48Do you think I could try going a little faster?
00:52Go for it, champ.
00:53Ow!
00:54Sorry. Just ease on the gas and...
00:58Oh! Too much! Too much!
00:59Why was I scared of this? This is exhilarating!
01:00No, it's not! Slow down!
01:01Don't tell me what to do! You're not my father!
01:13You know how fast you were going?
01:14A hundred and twelve.
01:15Let me see your license.
01:22Okay, here's the plan.
01:23No.
01:24Fine. There you go. You know what? You can just keep it.
01:32This is delightful. It's much easier to enjoy the picturesque route we travel to work when
01:52you remove the specter of fiery vehicular death.
01:54Refresh my memory. Why didn't I just put you in the trunk?
01:59Because I called shotgun, remember?
02:06Right.
02:08You seem tense. Perhaps this will relax you.
02:13I don't want to listen to music, Sheldon.
02:26Very well. I don't understand why you're not enjoying this.
02:32Together, in this car, with my enhanced capabilities, we're like Knight Rider.
02:39Except in Knight Rider, the car isn't a yammering sphincter.
02:44You mock the sphincter, but the sphincter is a class of muscle without which human beings
02:50couldn't survive.
02:51There are over fifty different sphincters in the human body. How many can you name?
03:01I was wrong. This is exactly like Knight Rider.
03:05Perhaps you'd be interested in a different game.
03:08No.
03:09This is a photograph of the 1911 Solvay Conference on the theory of radiation and quanta. Using
03:15Photoshop, I've introduced a few anachronisms. See if you can spot all twenty-four. I'll
03:21give you the first one. Madam Curie should not be wearing a digital watch. And go.
03:30That's it. Bye-bye.
03:36Bazinga!
03:37I have an override switch.
03:42I almost died!
03:44And I'm safe and sound in bed. Who's crazy now?
03:48I'm still gonna go with you!
04:04I don't know. French police?
04:08So close. Belgian ambulance.
04:12Are you ready for your next one? And just a warning, this one's a little annoying.
04:17Let's take a little break. I'm getting a headache.
04:20Oh, we're right in the middle of our fun game.
04:25Yeah, weird. So, Howard and Amy working together. That's interesting, huh?
04:31Eh, it's alright, I suppose. Look, usually when Amy complains about her co-workers, I
04:36just tune her out. But now, I'll be able to join in and pound away.
04:42You're not jealous of Howard, are you?
04:44Of course not. The only engineer I'm jealous of is the one who blows the train whistle.
04:49Oh, that just gave me an idea for a new game. What whistle am I?
04:53Train.
04:57For your information, it was going to be tea kettle. But the tea kettle was on a train,
05:01so I'll give it to you.
05:06I think you should turn on the GPS.
05:09It is on.
05:10Yeah, but the turn-by-turn voice option isn't on. I'd feel more safe if you'd turn on the
05:15turn-by-turn voice option. I love the turn-by-turn voice option.
05:19Has it really only been ten miles?
05:23I'm turning it on, but just to shut you up.
05:27Leonard, bear left and continue on Interstate 210.
05:34Ooh, sounds like that fella knows what he's talking about.
05:38I'll put on my listening ears if I were you.
05:41What did you do?
05:43I found a hack online. I was able to upload MP3 recordings of my voice to your GPS.
05:48That is so cool.
05:50Counterpoint. No, it's not.
05:53Continue on Interstate 210 for five miles.
05:57Here's an interesting fact about interstates.
06:01Really?
06:03Shh. He said it's interesting.
06:06Interstates are numbered as follows.
06:08Even-numbered routes run east and west.
06:12Odd-numbered routes run north and south.
06:16Three-digit route numbers indicate bypasses or spurs.
06:24Look, Leonard, there's a bridge. Drive off it.
06:28You know, we're nothing far from Vasquez Rocks.
06:31Oh, they shot a lot of Star Trek episodes out there.
06:35We got our costumes in the trunk. We could go there and have a little photo shoot.
06:39Great idea. I haven't had a carbohydrate in two weeks.
06:43These cheekbones need to be in front of a camera before I eat a pretzel and they're gone.
06:48Yeah, it sounds fun.
06:49Oh, smashing. Now, Leonard, do you know how to get there?
06:53No.
06:54Yeah, well, luckily, someone in the car does.
06:56Recalculating.
06:59While we're waiting, do you know which president signed the Interstate Highway System Act into law?
07:07The answer is coming up in 14 miles.
07:12None of you will get it. It's Eisenhower.
07:17Should we get lunch or do you want to eat at the zoo?
07:22Oh, Harry, I don't need food as long as I can look at my phone.
07:28I don't like when you imitate me.
07:30You want to hear my steward?
07:32It's been a while since I've gone on a date. Mind if we watch the monkeys doing it?
07:44I said that to you in confidence.
07:48This is supposed to be our family fun day. What's so important on your phone?
07:52I'm on the daycare's website.
07:54Stop looking at that. The daycare's great. It's on campus.
07:58My office is two minutes away. There's nothing to worry about.
08:01What if she likes the people who work there more than us?
08:04She already likes soap bubbles more than us.
08:08When I go back to work, we're going to leave her with these people. We don't know anything about them.
08:13I mean, they're highly trained educators with background checks.
08:16They're even required to be current on all vaccinations.
08:20You leave her with me? I'm not any of those things.
08:25It's bad enough I'm being taken against my will.
08:28I'll see why it has to be in some hippie's mobile sex dungeon.
08:33Well, Sheldon, there's something about this van that you're going to find very interesting.
08:38It runs on syphilis?
08:42This van was owned and driven by your personal physics hero, Richard Feynman.
08:48No. A buddy of mine let me borrow it.
08:51This was Feynman's van? That's so cool.
08:54Yeah, nothing's been changed since he drove it.
08:56I bet he picked up a lot of cute grad students in this bad boy.
08:59Yeah, and talked about physics with them.
09:03So, are you going to give us a clue where we're headed?
09:06Uh, okay. Let's see.
09:08They've got spicy food and there's a chance you'll get diarrhea.
09:13India.
09:16We can drive there.
09:18Your house?
09:21We are going to Mexico!
09:23Fun! I've never been there.
09:25Leonard, don't be fooled. I'm from Texas.
09:28Mexico is Spanish for Mexico.
09:32What's wrong with Mexico?
09:34Mariachi bands, wild dogs, beans that jump around because there's a worm inside.
09:40Okay, calm down. There's a theme to this weekend.
09:43We are going to Mexico in Feynman's van to stay at the vacation house Feynman bought with the money from his Nobel Prize.
09:51Viva la emodium! Aye aye aye!
09:57Would you like to hear a classic Sheldon Cooper factoid?
10:01What do you think? Great.
10:04I've been doing some reading about vehicular safety.
10:08Did you know that the highest number of drowning accidents happen on or around boats?
10:16Interesting that you would bring that up when I might go work on a boat.
10:20That's the thing about factoids. They're interesting.
10:25I know what you're doing.
10:27You don't want me going on this research trip because you're afraid to be alone.
10:31Well, I'm not afraid to be alone. On land.
10:36On the sea, it would be terrifying.
10:41Because of all the drowning.
10:45Sheldon.
10:46Fine, no more drowning talk. I'll change the subject.
10:50Who do you think would win in a fight? You or a shark?
10:57Look, I appreciate your signature blend of concern for me and incredible selfishness.
11:03If I get the chance to do this, there's nothing you can say that's going to stop me.
11:08Very well.
11:11Things between you and Penny have never been better.
11:14I hope four months apart doesn't change anything.
11:22I should have opened with that, huh?
11:26Well, here we are.
11:28Yep.
11:30Really gonna miss you.
11:32I'm gonna miss you too.
11:34Penny, we're in the red zone.
11:37The white zone is for loading and unloading.
11:40We're breaking the law.
11:43There's no space in the white zone, so...
11:45Anyway, we can email and I think the phone connections are pretty good.
11:50All right, you have to get out of the car right now. I'm not going to jail for you.
11:53Can't you just relax?
11:55Oh, I see a space in the white zone. Quick, circle the airport.
11:59Did you bring enough inhalers?
12:01Yeah.
12:02And extra Dramamine? You remember what happened on It's a Small World?
12:07No, I'm covered.
12:08Okay.
12:09Oh dear lord, a police officer's glancing in our direction. We've been made.
12:15Calm down, I'm getting out.
12:18I have something I want to give you.
12:20Oh, Leonard!
12:21All right, it's just a heart-shaped locker with a picture of Leonard's face in it.
12:23You got them all on clearance. Now move, move, move!
12:28I love you.
12:30I love you too.
12:34Don't worry, officer. They just love each other. We're not smuggling frogs.
12:49You're really quiet. Is everything okay?
12:53Fine.
12:55Just a little tired.
12:56I hope not too tired, because I'm feeling particularly masculine right now.
13:02All systems go if you catch my drift.
13:05I always catch your drift.
13:09All right, well, something's obviously bugging you. What is it?
13:13I just can't believe you signed up for the space program without even talking to me.
13:18Oh, I get it. You're worried about me.
13:22That is so sweet. You know, there's a saying we have at NASA.
13:31What makes the right stuff so right is that it always comes home.
13:38Stop talking, Howard.
13:42This isn't the reaction I expected when I told you I was going to be an astronaut.
13:47What did you think was going to happen?
13:49Honestly? Sex?
13:53Howard.
13:54Do you realize what a big deal this is? What an honor it is to be chosen to go into space?
14:00Yeah, I get it. I just wish you included me in the decision.
14:04We're supposed to be partners. We're supposed to be a team.
14:09I'm sorry. You're right. Let's try this again.
14:13Bernadette, an opportunity has come up that impacts both of us, and I'd like to discuss it.
14:22Okay.
14:24I've been offered a chance to go up to the International Space Station for three weeks.
14:31What are your thoughts on that?
14:34Well, first of all, thank you for including me in the decision.
14:38Hey, we're a team. So what do you think?
14:42No.
14:45No?
14:46No.
14:49Why not?
14:53Howard, my father is a police officer.
14:56We never knew from one night to the next if he was going to come home alive.
15:01I don't know.
15:02My father is a police officer.
15:04We never knew from one night to the next if he was going to come home alive.
15:08He was horrible, and I don't want to live that way with you.
15:15Hey, my father abandoned me and my mother when I was 11.
15:21I never saw him again.
15:24Oh, boo-hoo! You're not going to space!
15:27Are you excited to see your son walk down the aisle?
15:30Yes, I am. I'm just feeling a little guilty about all the trouble I've caused.
15:34Oh, so am I.
15:36You made God sad today, Mom.
15:46Sheldon, they haven't done anything wrong. I think it's nice they're hitting it off.
15:50That's not the reason to rush into anything.
15:52That's not the reason to rush into anything.
15:54I mean, look at us. We took things remarkably slow.
15:57You and I, we didn't even hold hands for two years.
16:01It's a lot hotter than it sounds.
16:04You're a patient young lady.
16:06Hey, she's mine. Take a cold shower, Grandpa.
16:12There's a lot of traffic. Are we going to be okay?
16:15You'll be at the airport an hour before your flight.
16:17Good. Thank you.
16:18Plenty of time for you to meet another geriatric boy toy.
16:23Hey, I will not have you be disrespectful to me.
16:26Yes, ma'am.
16:28Sheldon, your mother's an attractive woman.
16:30You need to get used to the fact that men are going to be interested in her.
16:33And you need to drive the car and mind your business.
16:37I will not have you be disrespectful to me.
16:39But you're not my mother.
16:40Don't you be disrespectful to her.
16:42Yes, ma'am.
16:44You'll get there. You just got to put some zing on it.
16:50Oh, thank God you're here.
16:51What's the emergency?
16:52I got the Mars Rover stuck in a ditch.
16:55Where?
16:56On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield.
16:59Where do you think? On Mars!
17:02Howard, is everything okay?
17:03Yeah, baby. I'll be right in.
17:07You brought a girl to the Mars Rover control room?
17:10Yeah, I picked her up in the bar. She's a doctor.
17:12One free barium enema and my mother won't care she's not Jewish.
17:18Wait a minute. So the eye patch and the insults worked?
17:20No, there were three other guys with eye patches. It was a fiasco.
17:25What did work was, how'd you like to visit a secret government facility?
17:29So what exactly do you want us to do?
17:31I need you and Rosh to help me get the rover out of the ditch.
17:33And I need you to get Stephanie out before somebody notices she's here.
17:36She doesn't exactly have clearance.
17:37Really? They don't let strange women from Honky Tonks come in and play with
17:41$200 million government projects on distant planets?
17:44Yes, I was bad. Maybe she'll spank me. Can we please move on?
17:50Hey, Howard, you know what? It's getting late, so do I get to drive this thing or what?
17:54Yeah, no, I'm sorry, but something's come up. Kind of a Mars Rover,
17:58Mars Rover can Howard come over...
18:04situation.
18:08So my friend Leonard is going to take you home.
18:10Oh, okay. Let's go, friend Leonard.
18:13Okay. I'll call you.
18:15Yeah. So are you a scientist like Howard?
18:17No one's a scientist like Howard.
18:21My mother is so gonna love her.
18:23Oh, how nice. Maybe they can carpool when they visit you in federal prison.
18:34I'm sorry. I totally interrupted you. What were you saying?
18:38Just that Howard's a terrific guy.
18:42He's got a great sense of humor.
18:45He loves his mother a lot.
18:47A lot? Some people say too much.
18:51I really like that you're such a loyal friend.
18:53Yeah, I am loyal. You know, if you look at the big picture.
19:01Just out of curiosity, did he ever have a shot with you?
19:06Are you insane? The guy was wearing an eye patch.
19:10Then why did you...
19:11He said that I could drive a car on Mars.
19:15Got it.
19:18So, can I see you again?
19:20You're not done seeing me now.
19:25Cool.
19:28Look at all this cargo space.
19:30We'll get the crib out and you can take it for a test drive.
19:32I'm telling you, this van is gonna be...
19:38Oh, is it your bath?
19:40Yeah.
19:42Anyway, let's just get in and see if the GPS can take us to the nearest emergency room.
19:53What was I thinking?
19:55Wallowitches are not lifting people.
19:57We tipped the lifting people.
20:01Do we really have to sit for hours in the emergency room?
20:04They're just gonna give you ice and Advil like last time.
20:07You're gonna feel terrible when I'm in a wheelchair.
20:11Which, by the way, would fit easily in the back of this award-winning minivan.
20:16Fine, we'll go to the ER. Just stop selling me on the van.
20:19You're right. It sells itself.
20:23You have to admit, it's a pretty smooth ride.
20:25I was hoping it'd be quieter.
20:28If childbirth is half this bad, you are so screwed!
20:33Are we there yet?
20:34Soon.
20:35Why is it taking so long?
20:37Howard, Howard, look at the DVD screen.
20:39I put on Batman the Animated Series, your favorite.
20:42I'm in too much pain to watch cartoons.
20:44Oh, this is a good one.
20:48I've been babysitting him way longer than you have.
20:52Fine, I'll buy this stupid van.
20:57Howard, there must be someone at the university you can go to for help.
21:01Are you kidding?
21:02They're probably the ones who leaked it to the military in the first place.
21:06What about the guy on the channel 4 News?
21:09You know, 4 on your side?
21:11Maybe he can be on your side.
21:15I'm being harassed by the government,
21:17not trying to get to the bottom of a dog-walking scam.
21:22Oh, stop.
21:23You know what's really happening?
21:25All the movies you've watched, the TV shows, the comic books,
21:28they've completely twisted your thinking.
21:30No one's after you, no one's listening to you, no one cares about you.
21:36I'd like to think the 4 on your side guy cares about me.
21:41Is that Howard in front of us?
21:43Oh, maybe. I get closer.
21:48Oh, God. I think someone's following us.
21:53You're being ridiculous.
21:54I'm not being ridiculous. He's right on my tail.
21:58Turn left here and see if he turns with us.
22:02Well, why is he turning here? The restaurant's the other way.
22:05I don't know. He uses that traffic app. Maybe there's an accident.
22:08Oh, so follow him.
22:12Oh, no!
22:16I told you.
22:18It's probably just a coincidence.
22:20Speed up a little. See if he stays with you.
22:23Well, go faster. You're losing him.
22:25What is his hurry?
22:26You know what? Flash your lights. Let him know it's you.
22:29He's flashing his lights. What's that mean?
22:31I think he wants us to pull over.
22:33Do not pull over! I'm not raising this baby alone!
22:38Hang on!
22:41Hey.
22:42What took you guys so long?
22:43We were following Howard, but for some reason he turned off his headlights and went up a one-way street.
22:50Hey, Benny.
22:52What are you talking about?
22:55Oh, that was you?
22:59Long story. Why don't you go ahead and eat? We're going to be a while.
23:07I'm telling you, I'm not on drugs. The government's out to get me!
23:16Um, I'm okay with you driving my car. I'm not okay with you flying my car.
23:21Don't sweat it. My dad's a cop. He can fix things.
23:24Uh-huh. Like death?
23:27Your kid may be an honors student, but you're a moron!
23:33Benny's not answering my texts.
23:35Who cares? Focus on the game.
23:37The stupid game is why she's mad in the first place. I'm telling her I'm quitting.
23:41No! Quitting would be the worst thing for your relationship.
23:44Why?
23:45Because it would make you seem like something she already thinks you are.
23:48Because it would make you seem like something she already thinks you are.
23:52What does she think I am?
23:54How do I put this?
23:56She's been known to call you a name that usually applies to a lady part.
24:03Or a cat.
24:06Or a willow.
24:12I can't believe she would say that about me.
24:14If you're going to cry about it, there's tissues in my purse.
24:18At least you got some in yours, big willow.
24:24Call me a lady part. We'll see about that.
24:30Can you reach the clue?
24:31Almost!
24:32Hurry! Sheldon and Penny are right behind us in the bowling alley.
24:36Got it!
24:37Great! Climb back up!
24:41Come on!
24:45Yeah, Penny might be onto something.
24:49Wow, there's a Denny's in Vegas you can actually get married in.
24:52Doesn't sound very romantic.
24:54Yeah, but we could get heart-shaped pancakes.
24:57I'm sure we'll find a decent chapel.
24:59Yeah.
25:01This is crazy!
25:02I know!
25:04People are going to be mad.
25:05Maybe, but this isn't about them. It's about us.
25:08It is. It is about us.
25:11You know what the best part is? We took our time.
25:14I mean, we met, we were friends for a couple years,
25:17then we got together, then we got untogether,
25:20then we worked out all our problems,
25:22and now we know everything about each other.
25:24We can just go forward with no surprises and no regrets.
25:28Right. No surprises.
25:32And no regrets.
25:35Well, there's one thing I feel I should tell you.
25:40What?
25:42You know, so we can go into this with no secrets between us.
25:46What?
25:51Remember a couple years back
25:53when I was on that research ship in the North Sea?
25:56Yeah.
25:57Okay, well, there was a couple of things.
25:59Remember a couple years back
26:00when I was on that research ship in the North Sea?
26:02Yeah.
26:03Okay, well, there was a lot of drinking and craziness going on.
26:07You told me.
26:08Okay.
26:11Well, there was this girl.
26:15What did you do?
26:16Nothing.
26:18Really. It was just kissing.
26:20And then what?
26:21And then nothing. I stopped it.
26:25But it still bothers me.
26:28And...
26:31I wanted you to know.
26:36Alright.
26:40Did you ever do anything like this since you've been...
26:42Nope, never.
26:43That's too bad.
26:47Can I ask you a question?
26:49Why are you telling me this now?
26:51Like I said, we're about to get married.
26:54I want a clean slate. No secrets.
26:57Really? Because to me, it seems like we're about to get married
27:00and you're trying to sabotage it.
27:02Would you rather I didn't tell you?
27:04No, I don't want there to be secrets between us.
27:06See, now I'm confused. What am I supposed to do?
27:08Keep your mouth off other women.
27:12I can do that.
27:13From now on, this mouth, you and food, that's it.
27:21Okay.
27:23Yeah?
27:26Look, I'm not happy this happened, but I think I can get past it.
27:31I mean, we weren't engaged at the time and it was just kissing.
27:35Right.
27:36Just kissing.
27:38It wasn't even very good.
27:40She was a smoker, I'd just been seasick.
27:42Okay, that's enough. Stop talking.
27:48So...
27:50we're still getting married?
27:54Yes.
27:57Because we love each other?
27:59Yes.
28:01And it's the happiest day of our lives.
28:03Don't push it.
28:09Okay, I gotta, I just, I gotta ask.
28:13What makes you think that your relationship is so wonderful and ours isn't?
28:18For starters, we enjoy spending time together.
28:25So do we.
28:27And I've seen you guys ignore each other for hours doing totally different things.
28:31It's called parallel play.
28:35Yeah, toddlers do that.
28:36Not as well as we do.
28:41You believe this guy has to be the best at everything?
28:43So what? Why do you even care?
28:45Oh, listen to them.
28:47We're not even married and the honeymoon's over.
28:51Whatever. You can't even go on a date without checking your relationship agreement.
28:55If you've got a problem basing a relationship on a contract,
28:59I'd like to tell you about 13 plucky colonies
29:02that entered a relationship agreement called the U.S. Constitution.
29:07And it may not be cool to say so,
29:09but I think that love affair is still pretty hot today.
29:13It's a good thing I'm not wearing flag underwear right now,
29:16because there's about to be a fire.
29:23I can't believe I ditched work for Disneyland.
29:25What did you tell your boss?
29:27Oh, I was very clever. I did it in stages.
29:29At 7 last night, I called about a problem at the lab
29:32and casually mentioned I was going out for seafood.
29:36At 9.30, I called and told him that one of my scallops tasted weird.
29:40At 11.30, I called and said I was throwing up like a fire hose.
29:45At 12.45, I called and made nothing but dry heaving sounds.
29:50And now I'm going to Disneyland!
29:54Penny, what did you say?
29:56I work at the Cheesecake Factory. I said bye.
30:01So what are we going to do first?
30:03I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to make a beeline
30:05for the place that gives you a princess makeover.
30:07Oh, that sounds like fun.
30:09You're kidding, right? We're not just going to get drunk and go on rides?
30:14Come on, do it with us.
30:16Alright, whatever. How does it work?
30:18Okay, so you pick your princess.
30:20Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella.
30:22They give you hair, make up, the works.
30:25Guess it would be fun to be Cinderella.
30:27Oh, I want to be Cinderella too.
30:30We can't all be Cinderella.
30:35Then how do we decide?
30:37Simple. This was my idea.
30:39I'm driving. I'm Cinderella.
30:41You bitches got a problem with that, we can stop the car right now.
30:46Why didn't you invite me?
30:48Because I know you.
30:50You don't want to float weightless in an airplane.
30:54What are you talking about? I love doing crazy stuff like that.
30:57Bernie, you got sick from the teacup ride at Disneyland.
31:01Lots of people do.
31:02We were still in line.
31:05So you don't want me to go?
31:06No, I want you to go if you're going to have fun.
31:09I don't want you to go if you're going to be miserable and ruin it for everyone.
31:14Which is a long way of saying I want you to go!
31:19Thanks again for doing this, guys.
31:21Of course.
31:22I'm so excited.
31:23I'm glad you came. Howard made it sound like this wasn't your kind of thing.
31:26He did say that, but here I am, so what does he know?
31:31I'm sorry, I just didn't think you'd enjoy plummeting to the earth at 400 miles an hour.
31:35I love going fast.
31:37Not like Grandma here poking along at 70 miles an hour, am I right?
31:43I've always wanted to do this.
31:45I'm an adrenaline junkie.
31:47Roller coasters, snowboarding, dating men who bathe with their dogs.
31:52It was during a drought.
31:56I'm a thrill seeker too.
31:57I've had to pull back since I became a mom,
32:00but I'll still jump on the back of a grocery cart and just roll through the meat section.
32:05And I'm married to her, which is quite the ride.