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00:00Are you finished?
00:02Well, thank you.
00:04How thoughtful.
00:06Would you like a chocolate?
00:08Um, yeah, sure.
00:12Thanks.
00:18Oh, sorry Sheldon, I almost sat in your spot.
00:20Did you?
00:22I didn't notice.
00:24Have a chocolate.
00:28You're here a lot now.
00:32Oh, am I talking too much?
00:34I'm sorry.
00:38Chocolate?
00:40Yes, please.
00:46Oh.
00:48Hey, Kim.
00:50Yeah, I...
00:52You know what? Hold on.
00:54Let me take this in the hall.
00:58You'll never guess who they got to replace you before.
01:06Okay.
01:08I know what you're doing.
01:10Really?
01:12Yes. You're using chocolates as positive reinforcement
01:14for what you consider correct behavior.
01:20Very good.
01:22Chocolate?
01:24No, I don't want chocolate.
01:28Sheldon,
01:30you can't train my girlfriend
01:32like a lab rat.
01:34Are you saying
01:36that I am forbidden
01:38from applying a harmless, scientifically
01:40valid protocol that will make our lives better?
01:42Yes.
01:44You're forbidden.
01:48Bad Leonard.
01:54Okay, what is going on?
01:56Ever since Amy started working with Howard,
01:58she hasn't been home.
02:00Didn't that just start this morning?
02:02And has she been home?
02:04You know, that would
02:06frustrate me.
02:08Does it frustrate you?
02:10It does.
02:12I get that. You know, it's okay to feel frustrated
02:14when things aren't going your way.
02:16I suppose.
02:18Maybe it's not that big a deal.
02:20No, no, no. Your feelings are valid.
02:22Now, why don't you go wash up
02:24and we'll call you when dinner's ready.
02:30Okay.
02:34What did you do?
02:36Are you a witch?
02:38No, I've been reading Bernadette's parenting book.
02:40It's like the answer key to the Sheldon test.
02:44That's amazing.
02:46I know, but it's only birth to five.
02:48What do we do when he turns six?
02:50Take him to the zoo
02:52and leave him there.
02:54I just wish I could make Howard
02:56feel as angry as I'm feeling.
03:00Well, maybe you could do something
03:02he likes and make him jealous.
03:04Like what?
03:06Have you ever read Tom Sawyer?
03:08No. Chores. He likes chores.
03:12Ooh.
03:14What kind of chores?
03:16Well, you could change the batteries
03:18in the smoke detectors.
03:20That would drive him crazy.
03:22That's great.
03:24He'll be so mad, smoke will be coming out of his ears.
03:26Then the smoke detectors will detect it.
03:30Hold on.
03:32Why did you ask me about Tom Sawyer?
03:34I'm just interested in you.
03:36You are sweeter than your applesauce.
03:42Okay.
03:44I put new batteries in the smoke detectors.
03:46Did you do the laundry?
03:48I sure did.
03:50Ooh, he's going to be steamed.
03:52Just like his dress shirts.
03:56At least he can still clean the oven.
03:58That's something.
04:00That's what he thinks. Where's your steel wool?
04:02Right here.
04:04We made quite the team.
04:06Sure do.
04:08Hello, Sci-Fi Network.
04:10This is your vice president of programming.
04:12We have made a
04:14horrible mistake regarding alphas.
04:16We need to uncancel it immediately.
04:18You just put me
04:20through to the people who handle that.
04:22You tell them it's me.
04:24I don't want to answer a lot of questions about if I really am who I say I am.
04:26I want this done.
04:30No, I am not the person who just called.
04:34That man was clearly a cowboy.
04:38Who was plumb concerned about y'all canceling his favorite show.
04:42Why do they keep hanging up on me?
04:44Sorry you're upset.
04:46You know, Sheldon,
04:48sometimes people seek the
04:50comfort of physical contact
04:52in moments like this.
04:58I am not flying back to Texas
05:00just so my mom can give me a hug.
05:04Okay, well,
05:06what I think is going on here is you have a
05:08pathological need for closure.
05:10Well, that's nonsense.
05:12I mean, you tell me stories about your day
05:14all the time. I don't care how they end.
05:18You know, I might be able to help you with this.
05:20There's a whole field of behavioral
05:22neuroscience that examines ways
05:24to retrain your neural pathways
05:26so stuff like this bothers you less.
05:28Yeah, but I just told you, I don't have a problem with closure.
05:30You sure about that?
05:32Oh, quite sure.
05:40That proves nothing.
05:48I've come up with a series of exercises
05:50to help with your compulsive need for closure.
05:52What? I take issue
05:54with the word compulsive.
05:56All I'm saying
05:58is we live in a world where
06:00closure isn't always an op...
06:10Shun!
06:14Okay.
06:16For the sake of
06:18argument, let's say I have a problem.
06:20What would be your plan for addressing it?
06:22I'm going to recondition
06:24your brain so that the need
06:26for completion isn't so
06:28overwhelming.
06:30By playing tic-tac-toe?
06:32Yep.
06:34Your turn. Oh, Amy.
06:36And you wonder why people think
06:38neuroscience is nothing but a goofy game
06:40for diaper babies.
06:42Tic-tac-toe can only end
06:44in win, lose, or draw.
06:46None of which will deny me closure.
06:48Especially since
06:50I'm about to win.
07:02Well, we didn't finish.
07:04Exactly. How does that
07:06make you feel?
07:08The same way any normal
07:10person would. Like I want to
07:12peel off my own face and tear it
07:14in two and then again and again until I have a handful of
07:16Sheldon-faced confetti.
07:18For the land of the
07:20free
07:22and the home
07:24of the...
07:26Next.
07:32That's quite an impressive layout,
07:34isn't it?
07:36Yes.
07:42Let's box it up.
07:46Taste box it up.
07:56That's enough.
08:00Sheldon, give it back!
08:02Amy,
08:04I must say, I was skeptical
08:06at first, but this has truly been
08:08a transformative evening.
08:10I'm a little surprised to hear you feeling so positive.
08:12Well, you're an excellent
08:14neuroscientist, you're a wonderful
08:16girlfriend, and...
08:20And?
08:22Doesn't matter,
08:24does it?
08:26I'm proud of you, Sheldon.
08:28And a
08:32complete sucker.
08:38Oh, yeah.
08:44There he is.
08:50And the home of the
08:52brave...
08:58Don't stop. Yes.
09:00Keep going. Just like that. Almost there.
09:02Almost there.
09:06So, how was school?
09:08Oh, good. Check it out.
09:10The Disappointing Child by Beverly Hofstadter.
09:22You bought my mom's book?
09:24Yeah. It's on the recommended
09:26reading list for my psychology class.
09:32Come on. Not that book.
09:34It's got, like, every horrible
09:36story from my childhood in it.
09:40Leonard, you ready for lunch?
09:42One sec!
09:44Hey, sorry.
09:48Hi, Penny.
09:50Hey. Alright, sweetie, you hang
09:52in there today. I'll try, but I might be sad
09:54tonight.
09:58Wow!
10:00Sex at work?
10:02Leave it alone. That's my girlfriend.
10:04Sorry. We just had sex with me at work.
10:08Damn! How'd you swing that?
10:10Well, whenever I talk about how awful my mom
10:12was, Penny will do anything to make me feel
10:14better. Seriously?
10:16I mean, I'm not proud of it, but
10:18it does work.
10:20I got her to watch a six-part documentary on
10:22Johnny Python.
10:24Even I was bored. I just wanted to see
10:26if she'd make it to the end.
10:28You sound kind of proud of it.
10:30I am. I'm really proud.
10:32Hey, I was just...
10:34What is happening?
10:36Oh, just a little
10:38treat. I know you've been feeling really
10:40bad about your mom lately.
10:42Oh, oh, I have so bad.
10:44And I wanted
10:46to make you feel better, so I planned
10:48something very special for you.
10:50I can already feel it working.
10:54Hello, Leonard.
11:00Mom?
11:01I understand you have been whining
11:03about my parenting in order to
11:05emotionally manipulate your girlfriend.
11:07I, uh...
11:09Bernadette told me everything. Now you don't get
11:11the left or the right.
11:15Let's discuss why you continue
11:17to involve me in your sex life.
11:19Oh, please, Mommy. No, Mommy!
11:23When you were six years old, you walked in on
11:25me and your father naked.
11:28I was swatting his bottom
11:30with your brand-new ping-pong paddle.
11:35I didn't dream that.
11:39How did that make you feel?
11:43Penny, come back. I'm sad for real now.
11:45So, did you wind up sending that machine back?
11:47I did.
11:49Yeah, I'm not even sure how accurate it was.
11:51I took it to the train store. It said everyone was sad.
11:56I finally got Hallie to sleep.
11:58You know, I just read a study that suggests
12:00new mothers are better at sensing emotions
12:02for up to two years.
12:04It's true. Pregnancy causes physiological changes
12:06in the brain that result in increased empathy.
12:08Oh, so all we need to do is get Sheldon knocked up.
12:12Can't. He was already fixed
12:14when I found him at the shelter.
12:17Hey, Bernadette, let's test this theory.
12:19What do you think I'm feeling right now?
12:21Let's see. You're better than us.
12:23A little bit sorry for us.
12:25But mostly glad you don't have to be us.
12:31Keep filling this one with baby. She's good.
12:35I had a feeling you were using the wrong
12:37computational model, but I didn't say anything
12:39because you're so sensitive.
12:41Just because I'm easily bothered by light, heat,
12:43sound, smell, and the way birds look at me
12:45doesn't mean I'm sensitive.
12:47Hey.
12:49I wonder what kind of success we'd have
12:51if we defined measurement
12:53as the first moment
12:55that an action potential is seen by the visual cortex.
12:57That is a daring
12:59and insightful solution.
13:01We're finally making progress.
13:03I wish we could do it without fighting.
13:05What if the fighting
13:07is the reason we're making progress?
13:09I suppose
13:11it's conceivable that the hormones
13:13associated with our fight or flight response
13:15could be sharpening our cognitive processes.
13:17Well, if that's the case,
13:19then your grandparents mumble
13:21and have bad posture.
13:25How dare you speak that way about my Grammy!
13:27Hey, wait a second. Wait.
13:33Delta T could equal alpha sub zero.
13:37Seems we have a choice to make.
13:39Abandon all ground rules
13:41in the name of science,
13:43or give up collaborating
13:45for the sake of our relationship.
13:47There's only one clear choice.
13:49Science.
13:51No, you bonehead!
13:53Name calling.
13:55That is perfect.
13:57Now, when I get to this equation here,
13:59really let me have it.
14:01If it helps, I'm not the sharpest dresser.
14:03Leonard,
14:05I need to tell you something.
14:07I'm having an affair.
14:13Okay.
14:15You have to swear not to tell anybody.
14:17Okay.
14:19You're the only one who knows.
14:21Well, you and Rita, the cafeteria lady,
14:23who has been giving me more than tater tots.
14:29Hey, Sheldon!
14:31Not a word.
14:37What did he want?
14:39Oh, nothing. He just concocted some stupid test
14:41to see if I can keep a secret.
14:43Ooh, what's a secret?
14:47I'm not going to tell you that.
14:49The test is stupid, but I still want to pass.
14:51Thanks for helping with this.
14:53What are friends for?
14:55My friend sent me down to this basement
14:57to do his grunt work,
14:59so I wouldn't know.
15:01Hey.
15:03Probably shouldn't say anything,
15:05but you're the lunch lady.
15:07That's not true.
15:09That's just something Sheldon made up to test us.
15:11I wish I'd known that
15:13before I called her a floozy
15:15in front of the whole lunch line.
15:17Did Sheldon and Amy
15:19give you guys that puzzle too?
15:21Yeah. Is it just me,
15:23or have they been acting strange?
15:25I don't think they're acting.
15:27Yeah, the other day,
15:29Sheldon made me take him to the train store.
15:31We didn't go inside.
15:33It was already done, and then we went home.
15:37And Amy gave me this plastic ring
15:39and told me to hold on to it.
15:41I got one too.
15:43Yeah, same.
15:45Yeah, me too.
15:47But cinnamon ate it.
15:49I'll get it back tomorrow.
15:51Oh, hey.
15:53I folded your laundry for you.
15:55You're welcome.
15:57That's not mine.
15:59You're saying that these aren't yours?
16:05No.
16:13So you're saying that I'm touching
16:15a stranger's underpants?
16:17Yes.
16:19Yes.
16:29And just like that, it's the worst day of my life.
16:33Why are you being so weird?
16:35It occurred to me
16:37that perhaps you were telling
16:39the truth about Bill Gates,
16:41and it wasn't just part of an elaborate prank.
16:43What would the prank part even be?
16:45I show up to meet Bill Gates
16:47over your objections.
16:49No, but it's not Bill Gates at all.
16:51No, see, it's one of those lookalikes that you hire for a party.
16:53And then when I go around
16:55showing everybody the balloon animal that Bill Gates
16:57made for me, I look like an idiot.
17:01Have you been eating laundry detergent?
17:05I just need you to tell me the truth.
17:07This is driving me crazy.
17:09Sheldon, he is really coming.
17:11Is he? He is. Really? Yeah.
17:14Well, now I don't know what to believe.
17:17Since Amy and I have been living together,
17:19we've been bickering like my parents used to.
17:23And you're afraid you're going to do something like your dad did.
17:25Yes.
17:27I need to prepare her now
17:29to save her from pain down the road.
17:31Down the road?
17:33Sheldon, she wanted to share a toothbrush holder with you,
17:35and now you're at an ice cream parlor trying to pick up women.
17:39Well, anything could sound silly
17:41when you put it in that tone.
17:43Honey, instead of worrying about pain you may cause
17:45in the future, how about trying to fix the pain
17:47you're causing her right now?
17:51I'm sure you're right.
17:53And I suppose I should
17:55apologize to you as well.
17:57Okay.
17:59That must have hurt, watching me look for other women
18:01without ever even considering you.
18:07Please understand
18:09that I think of you
18:11as more of a nanny.
18:15Just finish your ice cream
18:17so I can get you home to bed.
18:21What if I told you that over the past few months
18:23Amy has secretly
18:25been giving you little puzzles
18:27to test your intelligence against chimpanzees
18:29in her lab?
18:31What?
18:33She didn't give me any puzzles.
18:35Are you sure?
18:37Boy,
18:39I just can't seem to get these scissors
18:41back together. Can you do it?
18:45Darn it,
18:47there is something in my eye,
18:49and I need to sort these coins by size.
18:51Can you help?
18:59Penny,
19:01I really want to eat this banana,
19:03but it's stuck inside this bamboo puzzle box.
19:08Son of a bitch!
19:11So, Dr. Hofstetter,
19:13Leonard rarely talks about his
19:15incredibly successful brother and sister.
19:17Please don't go there, Howard.
19:19I understand that
19:21unlike Leonard, they're at the top
19:23of their respective fields.
19:27Boy, you suck.
19:29Well, Leonard's younger brother, Michael,
19:31is a tenured law professor at Harvard,
19:33and his sister just successfully grew a human
19:35pancreas in an adolescent gibbon.
19:39So she's close to curing diabetes.
19:41Why else would you grow a pancreas
19:43in a teenaged gibbon?
19:45Wow, you must be
19:47very proud.
19:49Why? They're not my accomplishments.
19:51I have to urinate.
19:57Why are you doing this?
19:59You know the rules. You brought your mom to work.
20:01You must suffer.
20:03That was fast.
20:05Oh, the middle stall was occupied.
20:07I'll have to try again later.
20:09It's totally understandable.
20:11In bladder voiding, as in real estate,
20:13it's location, location, location.
20:17So where were we?
20:19Howard lives with his mother, and Raj can't speak to women unless he's drunk.
20:21Go!
20:25Oh, that's fascinating.
20:27Selective mutism is quite rare.
20:29On the other hand, an adult Jewish male
20:31living with his mother is so common it borders
20:33on sociological cliché.
20:37It's just temporary. I pay rent.
20:39He lives in the same room where his bassinet was.
20:41You know, both selective
20:43mutism and an inability to separate
20:45from one's mother can stem from a
20:47pathological fear of women.
20:49It might explain why the two of you have created
20:51an ersatz homosexual marriage
20:53to satisfy your need for intimacy.
21:02Say what?
21:06That's basically what I just said.
21:08You brought your husband to work?
21:10Do you know the rules?
21:16Do we really have to wear this camouflage
21:18crap to play paintball?
21:20Who said that?
21:22Leonard, I can hear your voice, but I can't see you.
21:27Not in the mood, Sheldon.
21:29Oh, there you are!
21:31Leonard,
21:33I know you're upset about recent
21:35events, and I have
21:37someone here to help.
21:39I don't want to talk to Amy.
21:41No, it's not Amy.
21:43Hello, dear.
21:45You called my mother?
21:47Oh, Leonard, is it really necessary
21:49to caption the obvious?
21:51He's been like that since
21:53he was a toddler.
21:55Look, Mommy, a butterfly.
21:58What's going on?
22:00What do you want?
22:02Sheldon informed me that you're experiencing
22:04an emotional upheaval, and I'm here to help.
22:06That's so nice.
22:08And we're back to the obvious.
22:12Now, what's up?
22:14Well, uh,
22:16okay.
22:18Um,
22:20I don't want to get back together with Penny.
22:22We tried it, it was crazy,
22:24it didn't work.
22:26I can't deal with the fact that she slept
22:28with my friend Raj.
22:30And then I find out that Raj's sister Priya,
22:32who I've been going out with for eight months,
22:34is moving back to India,
22:36so I'm just completely confused and alone.
22:38I understand.
22:40Got any advice?
22:42Yes. Buck up.
22:46Excuse me, you're a world-renowned
22:48expert in parenting and child
22:50development, and all you've got is buck up?
22:52Sorry.
22:54Buck up, sissy pants.
22:58Thanks, Mother, I feel much better.
23:00If you need any more help from me, my books
23:02are available on Amazon.
23:04Logging off.