Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00I call this meeting of the Council of Sheldons to order.
00:05Let's take roll.
00:07Science Sheldon.
00:09Present.
00:10Texas Sheldon.
00:14Howdy.
00:17Fanboy Sheldon.
00:19Greetings.
00:22Germaphobe Sheldon.
00:24Say it, don't spray it.
00:25Where's jock Sheldon?
00:33Not the time humorous Sheldon.
00:36Okay, new business.
00:39Do we grant laid back Sheldon a seat on the council?
00:43Hey, whatever you guys want.
00:47I'm just chilling like Bob Dylan.
00:51Negative.
00:52Heck no.
00:53I don't feel well.
00:56Ha ha ha.
00:59Can we kick him out too?
01:02So how's the book coming along?
01:04Good.
01:05I just wrote the part where the hero hot shot physicist
01:07Logan Dean arrives at CERN.
01:09Oh, is he based on you?
01:11Kind of, but he can eat dairy products
01:13without having to leave the room.
01:15So does Penny know you based a character on her?
01:18What character?
01:20Elsa, the head of the institute.
01:21That's clearly Penny.
01:22No, it's not.
01:23It's murder.
01:26Figure that out yourself, genius.
01:29Okay, no need to be snarky.
01:31Who would want to kill him?
01:32Could be anyone.
01:34Dr. Silvers.
01:37Dr. Prakash.
01:41Hans the janitor.
01:45But the door is locked,
01:47so it has to be someone in this room.
01:49Wow, you are on fire.
01:51Yeah.
01:54So, what do you think?
01:56I like it.
01:57I can't wait to see who the killer is.
01:59Hey, is it that Elsa girl?
02:00She seems pretty mean.
02:03But adorably mean?
02:05Like a baby lion?
02:08No, regular mean, like a regular lion.
02:12But it seems pretty accurate
02:13considering who you based it on.
02:15Huh.
02:18Who do you think that is?
02:21But the door is locked,
02:22so it has to be someone in this room.
02:27Wow, you are on fire.
02:32Each one of you had a motive.
02:34Who died and made you detective?
02:36He did.
02:39I think you're neglecting your own motive,
02:42a massive inferiority complex.
02:45It's not massive.
02:46It's just average sized.
02:51I don't mean to interrupt,
02:52but somebody's tracking blood everywhere,
02:54so nevermind, it's me.
02:57He came by yesterday to show me his book.
03:01Oh, and what did you think?
03:03I liked it.
03:04Really?
03:05The Elsa character didn't bother you?
03:07Oh, he was exaggerating.
03:08You're not really like that.
03:12Well, I know I'm not like that.
03:14The character was based on you.
03:17I didn't know what to tell you
03:18when I brought it up with Leonard.
03:19He said it was you.
03:20Well, when I brought it up,
03:22he got all squirrely and left the room.
03:25Son of a bitch.
03:26He's losing a lot of blood.
03:28Great, I'm gonna have to clean that up.
03:32You know what?
03:33A little soda water might get that right out.
03:37We gotta find some bandages.
03:38No, there's no time.
03:44Does it hurt?
03:46Everything you do hurts.
03:48Then why do you keep coming back for more?
03:56Hey.
03:57So this is what you think of me?
03:59I'm mean and everything I do hurts you?
04:02What are you talking about?
04:03I know I'm Elsa.
04:05What?
04:06That is crazy.
04:08You two are totally different.
04:09How?
04:10Well, you, she,
04:14her name's Elsa.
04:18You know what?
04:20It's fine, write whatever you want.
04:21And by the way, Logan Dean can tell everyone he's 5'8",
04:24but he's not fooling anybody.
04:27Penny, good news.
04:28It's not you.
04:29What?
04:30Elsa, it's not you.
04:30It's my mother.
04:31I've been writing about my mother.
04:34I think you're neglecting your own motive.
04:36A massive inferiority complex.
04:39It's not massive.
04:41It's just average sized.
04:47We got to find some bandages.
04:49There's no time.
04:55Does it hurt?
04:56Everything you do hurts.
04:59Then why do you keep coming back for more?
05:02Maybe you like it.
05:05Maybe I do.
05:12You know what?
05:13I'm a physicist.
05:14What am I doing writing a book?
05:16I was thinking, without Sheldon,
05:18most of us would have never met,
05:20but Penny would still live across from him.
05:23And with Leonard out of the picture,
05:25we all know what that would mean.
05:27We do?
05:32Hey, Sheldon.
05:33Hello.
05:36Doing laundry?
05:42Of course I'm doing laundry.
05:44Saturday night is laundry night,
05:46and I'm in a laundry room,
05:47so I believe your inference is justified.
05:51My inference is justified.
05:53Sheldon, you are so funny.
05:58Anyway, I need to do my laundry too
06:01because these clothes are so dirty.
06:04Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who's wearing them.
06:10Okay, that's enough.
06:11Disagree.
06:12Keep going.
06:15Oh.
06:16So, what do you think?
06:20A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.
06:25Sheldon, I need you.
06:27To what?
06:31To take me.
06:32I'm not taking you anywhere
06:33till you put on a shirt.
06:38Come on, Sheldon.
06:38You and me, right here.
06:41Penny, for the thousandth time,
06:43I'm saving myself for someone special.
06:46You know, perhaps a cute, bespectacled neuroscientist
06:50with hair the color of mud.
06:54I think I know how to change your mind.
06:57Backstop.
07:01I was okay with it.
07:07How's it going, Sheldon?
07:08Actually, much better.
07:10Oh, good.
07:11Is the baby born yet?
07:12I don't know.
07:14I just got back.
07:15Where'd you go?
07:15My mother asked me to get some towels.
07:18I took advantage of the vague request
07:20and went to Bed Bath & Beyond.
07:26Excuse me, I'm on the phone.
07:31So rude.
07:35Here's another one.
07:36Penny, if it weren't for Sheldon,
07:38you never would have met comic book legend Stan Lee.
07:44Great.
07:48Well, at least Leonard, Howard, and I
07:50would have always been friends.
07:52Hey, how come you three never got an apartment together?
07:54We talked about it, but Howard was in
07:56a pretty serious relationship with his mom.
08:00I lived with her to save money.
08:02Yeah, you didn't have to buy groceries
08:03because you were breastfeeding.
08:08So I guess if it weren't for me,
08:09you'd still be living with her, huh?
08:11Not exactly.
08:12What do you mean, not exactly?
08:14Well, things would be a little different.
08:18Howard, where's my lunch?
08:20I'm starving!
08:23I know you're starving.
08:25The neighbors know you're starving.
08:26There's starving people in Africa who know you're starving!
08:32That's it?
08:33There's not enough food!
08:34Well, you cleaned out Earth.
08:36I don't know what else to do!
08:39How is this any different?
08:40You didn't let me finish.
08:43Here you go, Mother.
08:45You're a good boy, Howard!
08:48Such a good boy!
08:56Wait, did she die, or did you kill her?
09:02Huh, tomato, tomato.
09:03The important thing is she's dead.
09:09Hey, so how come you two didn't move in together?
09:11Oh, this guy wanted a place of his own
09:13because he was sure he was gonna be a ladies' man.
09:16Yeah, I was wrong.
09:20But I do think you and I would have had a great time.
09:22Come on, Leonard.
09:24Dinner.
09:25Coming!
09:27Hey!
09:36Hang on.
09:37Why would I be fat?
09:40You'd have no girlfriend to see you naked.
09:42You'd try to fill the void with food,
09:45and I'm an enabler who wants deep-fried a pancake.
09:49Why can't you be fat, too?
09:53What do you want to do for dessert?
09:57I think there's still half a cake from breakfast.
10:02No, there's not.
10:09Hey, guys!
10:12Dad!
10:15What are you doing?
10:16I...
10:19I just wanted to be in anyone's story.
10:24Yeah, but why are you fat?
10:27Because Leonard was fat.
10:37Is the water warm enough?
10:40Given the fact that you took the time to build a wood fire,
10:44draw the water from the well and heat it,
10:46it would be rude to complain.
10:50But since you asked, it's a little nippy.
10:54I can fix that.
10:57I couldn't help but notice your unusual undergarments.
11:02They're not undergarments.
11:04They're underoos.
11:08Where I come from,
11:09they're known as underwear that's fun to wear.
11:14And what's the significance of the spider?
11:17Oh, that represents Spider-Man.
11:20He does whatever a spider can.
11:22There's a lot of rhyming in the future, isn't there?
11:25You're right.
11:26This is even weirder than I thought.
11:30You want me to stop reading?
11:31Are you kidding? No, no.
11:34As he stood for Amelia to dry him.
11:43So tell me, Cooper,
11:45are the ways of the world
11:47the same as the ways of the world
11:49So tell me, Cooper,
11:51are the ways of physical love
11:54different in the future?
11:55Yeah, okay, I'm good.
12:07Charlotte, it's not a great time.
12:10What do you want?
12:12Hello to you too.
12:15I'm sorry, but this is important.
12:18What is it?
12:19Back to the Future 2
12:20was in the Back to the Future 3 case.
12:24And Back to the Future 3 was, get this,
12:26in the Back to the Future 2 case.
12:29No!
12:31So, did you do that?
12:33Or am I in the house with an intruder?
12:37Charlotte, I gotta go inside.
12:39It's getting rough out here.
12:43You're dodging the question.
12:44I knew it was you.
12:48What was that?
12:50What was what?
12:52This isn't a very good connection,
12:53but it sounded like someone
12:55just released a Kraken.
12:58Okay, I'm hanging up now.
13:01You know there's no such thing as a Kraken.
13:10Penny, Penny, Penny.
13:14What's the matter?
13:18Well, I was worried that
13:19you might be missing Leonard.
13:22And that might be causing you to have bad dreams.
13:26You know, like the kind you'd get
13:27if you watched Clash of the Titans
13:28right before you went to bed.
13:32Sweetie, did you have a bad dream?
13:35To be honest, I did.
13:38Back to the Future 2
13:39was in the Back to the Future 3 case.
13:42Leonard did it.
13:44Good night.
13:45You wouldn't know what to wait.
13:47Perhaps I should sleep here
13:50so you don't miss Leonard as much.
13:53Because you're being kind of a baby about it.
14:00You know what?
14:01That would make me feel better.
14:03You're welcome.
14:09Good night.
14:10I don't know what you were worried about.
14:11I think it really works in the room.
14:15Yeah.
14:16It is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned.
14:19The exact time machine that carried
14:20actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England
14:23into the post-apocalyptic future
14:25where society had splintered into two factions.
14:27The subterranean Morlocks
14:28who survived by feasting on the flesh
14:30of the gentle surface-dwelling Eloy.
14:34And the next thing you know,
14:35you're in the back of a ship
14:36that's about to take off.
14:37Subterranean-dwelling Eloy.
14:41Talk about your chick magnets.
14:46Oh yeah.
14:47The guy who lives next to me is always like,
14:49I have a jacuzzi on my balcony.
14:51I have a jacuzzi on my balcony.
14:53But wait until I tell him
14:54I've got a time machine on my balcony.
14:58Stuff that in your Speedo's jacuzzi, Bob.
15:01Gentlemen, I know we said we'd take turns,
15:04but I think you'll agree
15:04that practicality dictates it remain here.
15:08Just keep it here?
15:09What if I meet a girl and say,
15:10you want to come up and see my time machine?
15:11It's at my friend's house.
15:12How lame is that?
15:14He's got a point.
15:16All right.
15:16I think we're going to need some ground rules.
15:18In addition to the expected,
15:19no shoes in the time machine
15:20and no eating in the time machine,
15:22I propose that we add pants must be worn
15:24at all times in the time machine.
15:27Seconded.
15:29I was going to put down a towel.
15:34I still want it on my balcony.
15:36I say we move it on a bimonthly basis.
15:38Yeah, that sounds fair.
15:39Hold on.
15:40Bimonthly is an ambiguous term.
15:41Do you mean move it every other month or twice a month?
15:44Twice a month.
15:44Then no.
15:45Okay, every other month.
15:47No.
15:49Sheldon, you can't be selfish.
15:50We all paid for it, so it belongs to all of us.
15:53Now get out of the way so I can sit in my time machine.
15:56Turn around.
16:05Okay.
16:06I am setting the dials for March 10th, 1876.
16:10Good choice.
16:11Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone
16:12and calls out for Dr. Watson.
16:14Wait a minute.
16:14I'd want to see that too.
16:16So when it's your turn, you can.
16:17But if we all go back to the same point in time,
16:19Bell's lab is going to get very crowded.
16:21He'll know something's up.
16:23Also, since the time machine doesn't move in space,
16:25you'll end up in 1876 Pasadena.
16:28And even if he can make it to Boston,
16:29what are you going to do?
16:30Knock on the door and say to Mrs. Bell,
16:31hey, Mrs. Bell, big fan of your husband.
16:32Can I come in and watch him invent the telephone?
16:35Mrs. Bell was deaf.
16:36She's not even going to hear you knock.
16:39I have a solution.
16:41First, go into the future and obtain a cloaking device.
16:44Ooh, how far into the future?
16:45If I remember correctly,
16:46Captain Kirk will steal a cloaking device
16:48from the Romulans on stardate 5027.3,
16:51which would be January 10th, 2328
16:53by pre-Federation reckoning.
16:56Okay, I am setting the dials for January 10th, 2328.
17:01Here we go into the future.
17:04Okay.
17:25That was fun.
17:34It worked.
17:37It really worked.
17:39They said I was mad, but it worked.
17:52Oh, no.
17:55Oh, no.
17:56Oh, no.
17:57Oh, no.
17:58Oh, no.
17:59Oh, no.
17:59Oh, no.
18:00Oh, no.
18:01Oh, no.
18:02Oh, no.
18:03Oh, no.
18:05No, not four locks.
18:06Not flushing in four locks.
18:09No.
18:10No.
18:11No.
18:12No.
18:12No.
18:19Sheldon, are you okay?
18:22We have to get rid of the time machine.
18:25This is a little big for the living room, isn't it?
18:28Yeah, that's the problem.
18:29It's too big.
18:31Glad you agree.
18:32I hired some guys to help us move it
18:34Come on in, fellas.
18:38Oh, no.
18:39More locks?
18:41Eat him.
18:42Eat him.
18:48Leonard!
18:55Why are you up?
18:56How am I supposed to sleep?
18:58I've been married less than 24 hours
19:00and my wife isn't speaking to me.
19:02Perhaps you can think of this in a more positive light.
19:06In one day, you've managed to do
19:08what it takes many couples decades to achieve.
19:15Hey.
19:16Hey.
19:16You couldn't sleep either?
19:18Of course not.
19:20I mean, either.
19:21No, but I just had a tickle in my throat.
19:24Not profound marital problems.
19:27What are we gonna do?
19:29I don't know.
19:30Please tell me how I can fix it.
19:32I'm glad you asked.
19:35As I see it, there's a simple solution.
19:37Your lips had a dalliance with the lips of another woman.
19:41It seems only logical that to restore balance
19:43to the relationship, you should find another man
19:46and dally with him.
19:48And by dally, I mean some hardcore mouth-on-mouth action.
19:52That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
19:54I actually think he's onto something.
19:57Well, you can't be serious
20:00because I messed up and made out with a girl.
20:01You're gonna do the same with a random guy?
20:04I'm currently single.
20:08That's true.
20:09You are.
20:12What is happening?
20:15I will tell you what is happening.
20:17I am saving my best friend's marriage.
20:20Oh, God.
20:27Oh.
20:34Bert, Raj.
20:43Can't believe they're gonna cut that
20:44with this punk-ass diamond saw.
20:50Jesus.
21:04Leonard, what are you doing?
21:05Showing you that this is the better way.
21:07Stop.
21:08Whatever's inside there is dangerous.
21:14Oh, and pretty.
21:18What is that?
21:19Ah!
21:21Are you okay?
21:22Ah.
21:23Yeah, I'm fine.
21:24I'm just feeling a little...
21:32Hungry.
21:34Ah!
21:36Stop eating, Bert!
21:40Keep eating, Bert!
21:42Keep eating, Bert!
21:43Keep eating, Bert!
21:45Keep eating, Bert!
21:46Keep eating, Bert!
21:51Leonard, Leonard.
21:52What, what?
21:53You're having a bad dream.
21:54Oh, thank God.
21:56I was eating my friends.
21:58Well, one friend and one acquaintance.
22:00You know what, Bert's okay.
22:01Two friends.
22:04Let me see if you're running a fever.
22:05Yeah.
22:06Oh, yeah.
22:07You're burning up.
22:11Ah!
22:14Jeez.
22:15Are you okay?
22:17It depends.
22:18What color are my eyes?
22:19I don't know.
22:20Brown?
22:21No, green.
22:22No, wait, brown.
22:24Oh, good.
22:25I'm awake.
22:36What is going on here?
22:39Hey, Sheldon.
22:40This is Howard and Raj.
22:40They work at the university, too.
22:42Hey.
22:42Hey.
22:43I'll get to you later.
22:45What are you sitting on?
22:47I can't speak for these guys,
22:48but I'm sitting on my tushy.
22:52It's a joke.
22:53Not a good idea.
22:55Tushy is buttocks, right?
22:57Right.
22:57Hilarious.
23:00Explain the couch.
23:02Oh, well, there were some people
23:03on the first floor moving out
23:04and they sold it to me for $100.
23:06Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.
23:07But what's wrong with the furniture we have?
23:10They're lawn chairs.
23:13And there was no place for company.
23:15Did it occur to you that was by design?
23:19According to the roommate agreement,
23:20I'm entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage
23:23of the common areas.
23:24But you didn't notify me by email,
23:26so this is still a breach.
23:29I did notify you.
23:30Oh, you did, did you?
23:43Oh, it's a rat.
23:46Hoisted by my own spam filter.
23:50What am I doing in your spam folder?
23:51I put you there after you forwarded me a picture
23:53of a cat playing the piano entitled, This is Funny.
23:57Oh, yeah, I saw that.
23:59That was hilarious.
24:04What's all this?
24:06Well, it's on the floor.
24:08I don't know what you're talking about.
24:10What's all this?
24:11Well, it sounded like you were having a rough day,
24:13so I wanted you to come home to something nice.
24:16Oh, that is so thoughtful.
24:19Do you remember when we went wine tasting in Santa Barbara
24:21and you said that was the best rosé you'd ever had?
24:23Yeah, I remember us driving up there,
24:26going to the winery, and that's it.
24:30This wine is fine.
24:34Hey, what smells so good?
24:35I made your favorite, pizza bagels.
24:40Pink wine and pizza bagels?
24:42It's like eighth grade all over again.
24:45I am so lucky to have you.
24:47Be careful, these are hot.
24:49I could explain the thermodynamics
24:50of why the cheese seems hotter than the crust,
24:53but instead I'm gonna keep it to myself.
24:56You always know what not to say.
24:59I just, I can't believe you did all this.
25:01Well, you know, it's easy to take each other for granted,
25:05and I never want to do that to you
25:07because your love, it's like a river.
25:13It's peaceful and deep.
25:16Your soul is, it's like a secret that I never could keep.
25:22You did not just quote an NSYNC song.
25:26I quoted your favorite NSYNC song.
25:29Oh.
25:33Burp.
25:40Damn, I burped so hard I died in my game.
25:50Psst, hey kid.
25:51Huh, what?
25:56You look tired.
25:57Tired?
25:58Why don't you have an energy drink?
25:59Everyone's doing it.
26:03Oh no, thank you.
26:04Those have caffeine in them.
26:06Sorry, I thought you were cool.
26:11I am cool.
26:12This is YooHoo,
26:13Chocolate Milk's Delicious Watery Cousins.
26:17All right, but if you ever want to feel
26:19like you have superpowers, try one of these.
26:23Superheroes take performance enhancing chemicals?
26:26You bet.
26:27You know why Hulk is so strong?
26:29Steroids.
26:33You know why Batman wanders around at night
26:35getting into fights?
26:37Scotch.
26:41I am facing a great deal of work.
26:44I do like things better when famous people also like them.
26:49Here, it's all in the house.
26:53The first one's free?
26:56Flash, how do you stay in business?
26:58You want to know my secret?
27:01I bought stock in Marvel.