One Foot In The Grave S05 E06 - The Exterminating Angel
Transcript
00:30Dear Iris, I hope you're all well and that life is treating everyone kindly in your part
00:55of the world.
00:57As usual, we've had our share of misfortunes this end, not least the sudden death of your
01:04Auntie Ursula, which I hardly need to say came as a terrible blow to us all.
01:11In fact, I don't imagine any of us could possibly have foreseen the utter nightmare that was
01:17about to take hold of our lives that night three weeks ago as we prepared to celebrate
01:23our thirty-seventh wedding anniversary.
01:28To begin with, the day had been unusually calm.
01:32Victor had got himself some part-time work doing odd jobs on a farm just outside town,
01:38and I'd been out shopping with some friends, but by six o'clock that evening, trouble was
01:44already brewing.
01:45Mike!
01:46Sorry I'm late!
01:48You have a good time at the farm?
01:57If you call plodding about a cloud field all day looking for a wedding ring a good time,
02:03yes.
02:04My spine feels like one of Yuri Geller's teaspoons.
02:08Four days in the trotties had me out there now looking for that thing.
02:16Sissy reckons it came off when he was planting his barley.
02:26I'll be seeing earthworms in my egg fried rice tonight.
02:31I know I will, but first I'm going to have a nice hot redox bath.
02:39Don't go upstairs!
02:42I've been slopping up and down a wet cornfield for eight hours, knee-deep in muck and manure.
02:48I've probably got bindweed growing out of my bottom.
02:53If I don't have a bath now, I...
02:56What's wrong?
02:57Margaret?
02:58What's happened up there?
03:00You remember those teenagers you had an argument with the other morning outside the pet shop?
03:05The ones playing ten-pin bowling with some garden gnomes and a tortoise?
03:09Fantastic little yobs.
03:11And no-one else had the nerve to say a dicky bird.
03:13Well, they certainly got a piece of my mind.
03:17They haven't been here, have they, in this house?
03:20I went out the front this afternoon and I must have forgotten to lock the back door
03:24because when I came back, there were...
03:35Oh, God!
03:40Better than day to day!
03:46No, no, no. I can't possibly agree.
03:49Of course a high level of toxicity would make the pathology conclusive, obviously.
03:54The hepatic culture would be essentially redundant.
03:57If you're looking at a liver the size of an orthopedic mattress,
04:00that's not subjectivity, it's empirically suggestive, surely.
04:05You say it might rain tomorrow?
04:08Make it mucky on the farm for you again?
04:10Nah.
04:12I suppose that wedding ring must be important, John,
04:15to have you out there every day hunting for it like that.
04:18I'm lucky it doesn't think it can come off inside a cow and I'd be up to my old age.
04:22Absolutely not!
04:24So the histology supports the hypothesis, of course,
04:27but that's not to say conclusions can't be reached intuitively as well as intellectually.
04:32I mean, do you hear what I'm saying?
04:38I wish you were out here with Mrs. Warboys.
04:41You'd buy up Marks and Spencers between you.
04:43Yes, it was a bit of an afternoon, I meant to say.
04:46We went for a coffee afterwards and met a witch.
04:49I can't get on with these things.
04:51A witch?
04:53Yes, you probably know him. Mr. Dimkins who serves in the sweet shop.
04:57The man who serves me my barley sugars?
05:00Who told you he was a witch?
05:02He did. And he had the head of a dead cockerel in his briefcase. He showed it to us.
05:06We got chatting and he went through the tarot cards for us.
05:09He said, I was going to have a long and peaceful life
05:12and you were going to be visited by a plague of devils.
05:17A plague of devils?
05:20What did he mean by that?
05:22Something horrible and nasty was how I took it.
05:25Like the wrath of Lucifer.
05:27Wrath of Lucifer?
05:29It's just a bit of fun.
05:31How would he know you were going to come to a sudden untimely end?
05:34Eat your seaweed.
05:38Did he say that? A sudden and untimely end?
05:42Things that people come out with.
05:45I don't know how you're expected to...
05:47I can well recall when I was an intern in Tallahassee
05:50that there was a woman, I think she worked in real estate,
05:53who, while blowing up a balloon,
05:55drew too large a breath and inhaled the balloon.
05:58So it became blotched in her windpipe.
06:01Every time she tried to speak, the balloon would go in and out
06:04like the sack of a frog,
06:07which in turn made her hyperventilate
06:09and causing it to be misdiagnosed as a goiter.
06:13Conversely, I once autopsied a hyperthyroid,
06:16but when I... Excuse me.
06:18Oh, that's funny.
06:20I thought for a minute this pepper pot had been bunked
06:23and wired up to a 100-watt PA system.
06:25I came here tonight for a quiet meal with my wife,
06:28so will you please do our eardrums a favour
06:30and keep your bloody voice down?
06:36There.
06:38Put your head back.
06:43No.
06:48I think I can still see a bit of chopstick up your nose.
06:52LAUGHTER
06:58I don't wonder people turn violent the way you carry on.
07:01Look at this.
07:03You've got half a set meal for two down these chairs.
07:06Can't we go any further?
07:09Or do anything, without it turning into World War III?
07:14I'll get it.
07:18Oh!
07:22HE SIGHS
07:26I don't look for it, Margaret.
07:35It's the young culture of today.
07:37It's everywhere you go, like it's a log pitch.
07:46Not exactly hard to see where it comes from
07:49when you've got a government with all the compassion of a haemorrhoid.
07:54The Prime Minister looks as if someone's forgotten to plug him in.
07:59Yes.
08:01Well, thanks for letting us know.
08:04Oh, we will. Yes.
08:06Bye.
08:20Please write it tonight.
08:22I'll see to it in the morning.
08:24What was that? More bad news?
08:26Cousin Ursula's died.
08:28A solicitor tried to ring up while we were out, apparently.
08:31Poor old soul. She go peacefully?
08:34Struck by lightning at the end of teleaddicts.
08:39Last night, in that big storm,
08:41she'd just gone to the fridge to get an egg out for her tea,
08:44and that's when it hit her, straight through the fan light.
08:47Neighbour came in and found her,
08:49flat on her back with the egg frying on her forehead.
08:54Oh, dear.
08:56Well, everything in that big house of hers
08:58is out in the country to sort out now.
09:00I suppose it'll be down to us.
09:02She didn't have any other close relatives.
09:04I suppose.
09:06Oh, what about you-know-who?
09:08He can't stay there on his own now.
09:10Maybe.
09:13Oh, my God.
09:16Oh, my God.
09:20Edwin.
09:24Oh, there's something you don't see every day.
09:26Someone's gone and nailed Claude Monet's painting, The Water Lilies,
09:29to a large post in our front garden.
09:31No, that's not a lie.
09:33Something even more beautiful.
09:35It's an estate agent's board with the word soul along the bottom.
09:40I wonder if we should take it with us to our new home.
09:43It's framed and placed above the mantelpiece
09:45as a reminder that you should never give up hope.
09:48Where did this come from?
09:52It's just a small stress-relieving device.
09:55Silly, I know, but it's been a good friend to me over the years.
09:58Amazing to think that in four days' time I may never need it again.
10:01And the words Victor Meldrew
10:03will be forever consigned to the pages of history.
10:06Like the Black Death.
10:08Oh, Lord, is that the time I'd better move?
10:10Still can't get used to actually going in every day after all these years.
10:13To a real office.
10:14With your own secretary.
10:16An expense account and a pension scheme.
10:18And your own secretary.
10:21Big fan of Ronald Coleman, is she?
10:24Who?
10:27This... Whatever her name is.
10:29Christine.
10:32Where are we taking her for lunch today?
10:34Somewhere nice?
10:36I expect we'll have a quick bite in the pub as usual.
10:39Really?
10:40I didn't think she was old enough to go in pubs.
10:44There's no rush with all this packing, you know.
10:46We've got till Friday.
10:49Well, um...
10:50I'll see you tonight, then.
10:52It's possible.
11:00Ronald Coleman?
11:10Haven't you found it yet?
11:14Sorry?
11:15The farmer's wedding ring.
11:17Oh!
11:18No, not yet.
11:20No.
11:21And you won't either.
11:23He's not married.
11:25Oh.
11:26I haven't certainly...
11:30I haven't certainly...
11:32I haven't certainly...
11:34I haven't certainly...
11:36I haven't certainly...
11:39What do you mean, he's not married?
11:41What are you talking about?
11:43You're the fifth one he's had this month.
11:45All the others twigged it after three days.
11:48Twigged it? Twigged what, for goodness sakes?
11:51You work it out.
11:57Don't just waltz off like that.
11:59Come back here, do you hear me?
12:00And tell me what it is I'm supposed to have twigged.
12:03When I opened the door, he's only sitting in there.
12:06Sitting in there like Rodin's thinker on a bag of potatoes.
12:10I mean, absolute worst nightmare.
12:12I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to Saturday,
12:14my first taste of freedom.
12:15Same again.
12:18Mr Trench?
12:20Can we talk somewhere?
12:26This is going to sound so naff and girly.
12:29It's just that when I feel strongly about a person,
12:31I'm not going to let them go, whatever happens.
12:33Right.
12:35I mean, I know you're a married man,
12:38and I'm living with this bloke, I think I told you about him,
12:40Melvin, works at the ball bearing.
12:43Well, he's been seeing other women.
12:45And I mean, I've got needs and emotions as well, and I...
12:49I can't say it, you're going to think I'm being so stupid.
12:53No, no, don't be silly.
12:58I told him that you and I were sleeping together
13:02in the stationery cupboard.
13:05Well, not sleeping.
13:08You know, having it off.
13:10Having it off to work.
13:12Having it off?
13:14In the stationery cupboard?
13:16How could you do that?
13:18Well, spread some jiffy bags on the floor,
13:20and you get on top, and...
13:22No, I mean, how could you lie to him like that?
13:25Oh, no.
13:27Oh, it's insane.
13:28I mean, someone your age, sick.
13:31I just wanted to make him jealous.
13:33To show him I couldn't be taken for granted.
13:36I never thought he'd take it that seriously.
13:38I mean, to say he was going to kill you.
13:41He'd say what?
13:43He's all mouthy, and don't worry,
13:45he's never killed anybody in his life.
13:47Oh, good.
13:49Not killed them exactly.
13:52I mean, he was never really that violent before they put him away.
13:55You see, that's the trouble with prisons.
13:57You learn bad habits.
13:58Obviously, I've told him it was all just a wind-up,
14:00but he won't believe me.
14:02He's got it all locked inside there now.
14:04As far as he's concerned, you're dead.
14:08I think I've made a bit of a mess of things, haven't I?
14:12Anyway, look, thanks for the drink,
14:15and, well, I'll see you around, eh?
14:18OK.
14:22Well, thanks very much indeed.
14:24Bye.
14:27Afternoon.
14:29I wondered if you could do anything with this.
14:32There's no way it's going to survive the move,
14:34so I thought perhaps your magic touch,
14:36you might be able to coak some life back into it.
14:39Well, I'll give it a go.
14:41It's a bit of a mess, isn't it?
14:43It's a bit of a mess.
14:46Well, I'll give it a go.
14:48Thanks very much.
14:52Are you all set now, then?
14:54Getting there, slowly but surely.
14:56It's unpacking it all the other end I'm dreading.
14:59Well, no, I said I'd come over and give you a hand.
15:02Are you sure?
15:03Cos Patrick'll be as much use as a glass buttock.
15:07That'll be a godsend.
15:09You all right?
15:11You're looking a bit fretty.
15:13Well, I've just been talking to a witch.
15:16What, that bloke at the sweet shop
15:18who put sticks of licorice out in the sign of the pentagram?
15:22He told me yesterday
15:24that I was going to live a long and peaceful life
15:27and Victor was going to come to a sudden, untimely end.
15:30Well, I mean, I know it's all twaddle,
15:33but, well, I just rang him up
15:36and said, could he be more specific?
15:39And he said, under no circumstances
15:42should Victor go on any long journeys this weekend
15:44because that's when it would happen.
15:48Oh-ho-ho!
15:49He's all poppy-poppy.
15:53He's not going on any long journeys, is he?
15:57Well, he did talk about driving up to my cousin Ursula's
16:01in the country on Saturday.
16:03You remember the one who just died?
16:05They've got a whole house full of junk up there
16:07to dispose of now, somehow or other.
16:09All our documents and our paperwork to sort through.
16:13Not to mention the dreaded Edwin.
16:16Who's Edwin?
16:18Can you credit it?
16:21I mean, can you begin to credit it?
16:26You're back early. Did he give you the afternoon off?
16:29Toppy-nosed farmer, I'll give him the afternoon off.
16:32I mean, you're employed as an odd job man
16:34and you expect the jobs to be a bit odd, but not that.
16:38Five days out there, tripsing up and down that field
16:41thinking I was looking for a wedding ring.
16:43Do you know what was all about?
16:45He was only using me as a scarecrow.
16:54I got one of the tractor drivers to tell me in the end.
16:58Apparently, the wooden ones are no good any more.
17:02The birds just perch in the arb.
17:05That's why he put me in this big white coat, if you please.
17:09To make sure that I'd be seen by the rooks.
17:15Sorry?
17:21I mean, that has to be my best career move yet, doesn't it?
17:28I always knew that degree course I took
17:30at Wurzel Gummidge College, Cambridge.
17:33It's failed, actually.
17:37Yes!
18:04LAUGHTER
18:10PHONE RINGS
18:184291? Yes.
18:21Oh, well, you nearly didn't.
18:23Got outside and found the zip in these trousers had gone.
18:26So I've come back. Yes, I've got the keys.
18:29Thought I'd pop in for a bit of food first.
18:31Time me over in case there's nothing in the fridge when I get there.
18:34Where did you say you were going after you got your hair done?
18:37Oh, yes, you said.
18:39Well, their removal van's just arriving, actually.
18:42So I expect that there'll be...
18:45Oh, for crying out loud!
18:50What? I'll tell you what's the matter now.
18:53Those yops who were in here the other night,
18:55they've only been at my trousers!
18:58You know what this'll be?
19:00Because I made that remark about the tears in their jeans.
19:03Bastards!
19:06PHONE RINGS
19:07Oh, there's someone at the door now.
19:09Coming!
19:12You say come in?
19:22This can't be right, can it?
19:2519 Riverbank.
19:29KNOCK ON DOOR
19:41Are you coming up, then, or what?
19:52No, I'm happy on my own.
19:54I just wondered if you'd changed your mind about Monday.
19:59LAUGHTER
20:12I'm off now, then. I'll see you when I get back.
20:15OK, don't come on, now.
20:17You can't be bothered to get any lights up out there.
20:19I will!
20:29LAUGHTER
20:41What in the name of hell do you think you're doing?
20:44Who am I, running a bloody transport cafe in the bedroom?
20:47Oh! I'm going to put some Danny's sauce in the dressing table.
20:51Go on, get out of the play, I'll be for crying out loud.
20:55Get your head outside, Constellate Ridley!
20:58Yeah? Well, you've got the wrong address, haven't you?
21:01It's next door, you want, number 17.
21:03Well, you're quite finished using my house as a multi-storey ashtray.
21:07LAUGHTER
21:11Why do I get the feeling it's going to be one of those days?
21:17I suppose it might just be bluster, but you never know with some people.
21:21I wonder if these brussels will be all right when they get there.
21:25You're going to be sent to prison for violent crime.
21:28I don't know what the man's capable of.
21:30Should I just throw them away now and be done with it?
21:33Are you listening to me?
21:35I've just been issued with a fatwa by my secretary's psychopathic boyfriend
21:38and all you're worried about's a bag of sprouts.
21:41Well, perhaps that will teach you to be more careful where you dip your wick in future.
21:47LAUGHTER
21:49Well, are you going into town today for my shopping or not?
21:53DOORBELL RINGS Oh.
21:55Dip my wick? What are you talking about?
21:58Morning. All packed up for you, ready to go.
22:01The curtains are staying and so's the cooker.
22:04Apart from that, it's all yours.
22:06What about your husband? You taking him as well?
22:09Only if you've got room.
22:11Stick him in the tea chest with the frying pan.
22:15Look, we had a few drinks together...
22:17Now, you've got the new address and I think we said £475, didn't we?
22:22Did you hear me? Nothing happened.
22:24Why can't you get that into your skull?
22:27Patrick, I could smell her perfume on your breath.
22:31Smell her per...
22:35LAUGHTER
22:37At least shot away to buggery.
22:41I can't talk to her any more.
22:45You thought that bloke next door was an headcase?
22:48It's because he had a local water supply.
22:55LAUGHTER
23:14MUSIC PLAYS
23:38LAUGHTER
23:44The big day for you today, then.
23:50I expect we'll be bumping into each other again from time to time.
23:54Who can tell, Mr Melville?
23:57Oh, my God, isn't that bloody typical?
24:08Left my bottle of whisky at the checkout.
24:12Anyway, good luck with it all.
24:15Yes. Yes, thank you very much.
24:29BUZZER
24:37BUZZER
24:41BUZZER
24:45BUZZER
24:57BUZZER
25:05BUZZER
25:07BUZZER
25:11Don't even think about screaming.
25:17You must be Melvin.
25:19And you must be Patrick.
25:23I never touched her, I swear to God.
25:25Look, she just made all that up.
25:27Are you calling my girlfriend a liar?
25:29Not in a substantive sense, necessarily,
25:31but it's just we didn't do anything.
25:33I mean, nothing happened.
25:35Look... In the boot.
25:37What?
25:39A bit less public.
25:43Now, do it. Get in.
25:45No, but you don't understand...
25:47One more word and you fill it in.
25:49You don't understand, this isn't...
26:05BUZZER
26:35BUZZER
26:57BUZZER
26:59BUZZER
27:03I'm telling you, make one noise,
27:05it'll be your last.
27:13BUZZER
27:25BUZZER
27:29BUZZER
27:43BUZZER
27:49BUZZER
27:59BUZZER
28:05BUZZER
28:07Wow, that's the limit, isn't it?
28:09Taking the lavatory seat with you.
28:11It's a wonder they've left the light bulb.
28:15Some people.
28:17And did you read this?
28:19Welcome to your new home.
28:21Don't worry about the holes in the back garden.
28:23That's where we dug up the daffodil bulbs.
28:25Also,
28:27have taken the brass number 16
28:29off the front door,
28:31as our new address is 91
28:33and we can use it again upside down.
28:35Best wishes, the Pinnocks.
28:37P.S. The gas fire in the lounge
28:39will light at the 23rd attempt.
28:45Well, I think we'd better give it a try, don't you?
28:47It's got very nippy all of a sudden.
28:49Yes.
28:51It's trying to snow already, look.
28:53They said it'd turn now, stay around lunchtime.
28:55Especially up north.
28:59Isn't that where Victor's gone?
29:05Oh, come on, come on.
29:09You're here somewhere, I know you are.
29:13Where the bloody hell's that Tony gone to?
29:23Ah!
29:31You bastard!
29:33You took me in the bloody road!
29:41Only half a mile
29:43to go as well.
29:45I mean, I just do not...
29:53I just do not...
29:55Oh, God!
30:21What the hell are you doing?
30:23Oh, God!
30:27What the hell are you doing in there?
30:29Don't ask.
30:31Don't ask?
30:33I'm 75 miles from home
30:35in the middle of nowhere
30:37and you leap out of the boot and start squirting at me
30:39with toilet freshener
30:41and you haven't given me some explanation.
30:43Someone thinks I'm having an affair
30:45with his girlfriend.
30:47He thought this was my car
30:49so he made me get in.
30:51He brought me up here to...
30:53God, I can hardly breathe!
30:55Well, can you walk?
30:57To where?
30:59That place up there.
31:01It belongs to Margaret's cousin
31:03who's just died.
31:05I come up to sort through all the stuff.
31:07Look, the sooner we get inside
31:09and out of all this, the better.
31:11You go on, I'll catch you up.
31:13Here.
31:21Oh!
31:31Oh, by the way...
31:33What?
31:35Watch out in this field!
31:37I seem to remember
31:39that...
31:41LAUGHTER
31:49You were a long time.
31:51Did you get through?
31:53Apparently the van broke down on the ring road.
31:55Flat battery or something.
31:57They said somebody's working on it
31:59and hopefully they'll be here
32:01within the hour.
32:05So, still no sign of Patrick then?
32:07He only went into town
32:09for a few odds and ends.
32:11What's happening to everyone this afternoon?
32:21There's only heating in this place.
32:23I think I was warmer in the...
32:25Oh, God!
32:27What is it?
32:29Behind you.
32:31Sorry?
32:33On the wall behind you, Mr Meldrew.
32:35Even say the word.
32:37What?
32:39Please.
32:41Spider!
32:43Thank you. Thank you very much indeed.
32:45It's one of Ursula's wildlife studies.
32:47She was always into natural history
32:49and of course he was a great outdoors man.
32:51Fishing,
32:53rock climbing, mountaineering.
32:55Are you all right?
32:57I can't look at them. I'm sorry.
32:59I can't even think about them.
33:01It's been the same all my life.
33:03But...
33:05do you mean like in that film
33:07Arachnophobia?
33:09Did you ever see that?
33:15Yes. I'm hardly...
33:17I'm hardly likely suffering from a
33:19pathological fear of spiders
33:21to have gone to see a film called Arachnophobia.
33:23Am I, Mr Meldrew,
33:25any more than a man with hay fever
33:27would stuff a dandelion up his nose?
33:29I suppose not.
33:31But I'll just put it down here
33:33out of the way.
33:45Kids have been throwing stones at the windows.
33:47I'll see if I can find a shovel or something.
34:01Oh, my
34:03God!
34:05Where have you
34:07gone to?
34:09Edwin!
34:11Edwin!
34:13Edwin!
34:17Edwin!
34:19Edwin!
34:21Edwin!
34:23Edwin!
34:25Edwin!
34:27Edwin!
34:29Edwin!
34:41It's, um...
34:43What's her name? Ursula?
34:45You say she lived here on her own?
34:47Mm!
34:49Oh.
34:53Since her husband died, Walter,
34:55about two years ago.
34:57Old clo...
34:59Clothing of his
35:01I could change into.
35:03Oh, sure. Could be one of his
35:05old suits about. It's more than likely.
35:11Right.
35:13Oh.
35:23Oh.
35:25God almighty.
35:27Oh.
35:41Oh, my God!
35:57Oh.
36:13Can I come in?
36:15Do you have to go this second?
36:17Mr. Maltry, there's already enough
36:19permafrost in my underpants to keep a leg of lamb
36:21fresh for a month.
36:23And standing by a laboratory passing
36:25icicles does not come high on my list
36:27of favourite sensations. It's out of order!
36:29What?
36:31The pipe must have frozen or something.
36:33It won't flush. Why don't you
36:35use the one downstairs
36:37and I'll get a bath running.
36:55Oh.
37:25Oh.
37:51The address is
37:53Yes. Yes.
37:55If you could tell her that I spent the morning
37:57in the boot of a car
37:59inhaling a rancid Wellington
38:01and the afternoon up to my ears
38:03in a frozen duck pond.
38:05That I'm now in a deserted old house
38:07with a madman who...
38:09Actually, just say madman. She'll know who it is.
38:11And that it's currently snowing
38:13in the sitting room.
38:15Everything's fine.
38:17And I'll talk to her soon. I'd appreciate that.
38:19Thank you. Goodbye.
38:23Goodbye.
38:49Must have been more tired than I thought.
38:51Got out of that bath and fell fast asleep
38:53on the bed. So I noticed.
38:55And take it was you that
38:57made that towel in there all soaking wet.
38:59Should ever use a flannel
39:01at home. What's that supposed to mean?
39:03Well, you get the worst of the water
39:05off first with your flannel and wring it all
39:07out. Then you use the towel
39:09to dab off the final drops.
39:11It's a well-known fact.
39:13Is it? And there was me with this
39:15cockeyed notion that the towel was for drying yourself with.
39:17There you
39:19buy this mince, do you?
39:21What's wrong with it? It's extra lean.
39:23You can get super lean now at Tesco's.
39:25This is 10% fat.
39:27Super lean's only 5%.
39:29It's a perfectly good mince.
39:31It's the one I always use.
39:33If you want a job, you can
39:35start in those onions.
39:37How many? Two should be enough.
39:39And use
39:41a rubber gloves.
39:43Don't chop up onions with your bare hands.
39:45Why not?
39:47Why not?
39:49Because in three weeks' time when you pick your nose,
39:51you'll still be able to smell them on your fingers.
39:53Don't you know anything about cooking?
39:55I know how to chop an onion.
39:57Thank you very much.
39:59Go easy on those crisps.
40:01From the look of it out there,
40:03we could be stuck here for weeks.
40:05Well, thanks ever so much for letting us know.
40:07Thank you. Bye.
40:09Well,
40:11that's a relief anyway. At least you know
40:13he's safe and sound.
40:15And we've found your car.
40:17We can go and pick that up once the others have got here.
40:19Goodness sake. How long does it take
40:21to change a battery?
40:23What's that? I just came through the door.
40:27Oh. It's to you.
40:31Dear Mrs. Mildrew,
40:33enclosed, please find
40:35£475
40:37as agreed in cash settlement
40:39with compliments, Tunstall and Gridley.
40:47Tunstall and Gridley?
40:49They didn't...
40:53When the van
40:55came this morning,
40:57you didn't...
40:59Oh,
41:01no.
41:05Double four.
41:07Now, where are we?
41:09I had to move these
41:11two here
41:13and these
41:15two here.
41:17Hmm.
41:19Right.
41:21Five
41:23and one.
41:25Hmm.
41:27Tricky. It is tricky.
41:31You know, it's a bit nice that we've had this little
41:33bit of time together, don't you
41:35think? In the end,
41:37I was just saying to Margaret yesterday,
41:39I'm going to miss Patrick and Peppa.
41:43Patrick and...
41:45What is it? Patrick and Peppa.
41:47That's right. Patrick and Peppa.
41:51Sounds like... Sounds like a Hungarian
41:53sandwich.
41:55If you ask me.
41:57I get it.
42:09I get it.
42:17Hello.
42:19Yes, he is. He's right here beside me
42:21at this very minute. How's the weather at your end?
42:23Never mind the bloody weather.
42:25Do I gather
42:27that two removal men called round
42:29our house this morning and you
42:31sent them next door because they'd got the wrong address?
42:33Don't remind me.
42:35There was another cock-up
42:37narrowly averted. If ever there
42:39was one, it wasn't
42:41a cock-up.
42:43What? They'd got the right
42:45address. They weren't
42:47removal men.
42:49They were the people I rang
42:51up about Ursula's house.
42:53Don't you remember?
42:55I got them out of Yellow Pages the other morning.
42:57Tunstall and Gridley.
42:59They were a house
43:01clearance firm.
43:05A house...
43:11I didn't go into details at the time. They were a bit
43:13busy. They said they would call round
43:15one day this week to see exactly what
43:17needed to be...
43:20The removal
43:22man has been stuck on the ring
43:24road all morning.
43:26What else were Patrick and Pippa supposed to
43:28think when those two bloody cowboys turned
43:30up? All we've got
43:32is a mobile number which isn't
43:34working. So now we can't get hold
43:36of them for love nor money. They could be anywhere.
43:38Right.
43:42Well, I'll...
43:44Will you? Yes.
43:46OK. Well, thanks for ringing
43:48them by.
43:50Everything fine
43:52back at base camp?
43:54Well, there's been
43:56a slight hiccup, evidently,
43:58on your removal
44:00operation. It appears
44:02that, due to an error
44:04on my part,
44:06the men who came to your house
44:08this morning weren't in fact
44:10removal men after all.
44:12They were one of
44:14those house clearance places
44:16of all things.
44:21And they've taken your furniture
44:23away to be sold
44:25in a junk shop.
44:28Nobody...
44:30Nobody seems to know quite
44:32where, unfortunately.
44:41So, um...
44:43Whose go is it? Is it yours or mine?
44:46LAUGHTER
45:02Are you sure you shouldn't stay over?
45:04I... Just till the morning.
45:06The way those roads were
45:08coming up. Thank you.
45:10No. If necessary, we'll find a hotel.
45:12You're very welcome to the big bedroom
45:14up there. Mr Mildred, on balance,
45:16I'd rather stick my head up an elephant.
45:18LAUGHTER
45:20LAUGHTER
45:42PHONE RINGS
45:45Ah. Furniture.
45:47I remember that.
45:49How are you feeling now, anyway?
45:51I'm feeling a damn sight better once we've got in touch
45:53with the people involved. Hi!
45:55Can I help you at all?
45:57This is a hotel, is it?
45:59It most certainly is.
46:01My name's Lorna. What can I do for you?
46:03Just let me close this.
46:07I can hear ourselves think.
46:09We've got a private function on tonight.
46:11People come here for a good time
46:13and we make sure they get one.
46:15Now, you want a room?
46:17Um, well, all I seem to have free
46:19is the honeymoon suite.
46:21Oh.
46:23That'd be nice, wouldn't it?
46:25Yes.
46:27It is a bit special.
46:29And you're like a couple who'd make the most of it.
46:31Oh, I'm sorry.
46:33I'm being a bit naughty.
46:35Not necessarily.
46:37How much is it?
46:39Well, let me see if I can work you out a special rate.
46:41This is a bit good.
46:43For 50 quid.
46:45It's romantic, really.
46:49I wonder if we ought to make it two nights.
46:51You might not have any option.
46:53Oh, you know what the police said?
46:55They're hardly going to do anything
46:57with our stuff on a Sunday.
46:59I'm sure they'll track it all down
47:01in a couple of...
47:03Oh.
47:05Oh, I'm sorry.
47:07I'm sorry.
47:09Oh.
47:11Ooh.
47:13Look at this.
47:15Oh.
47:17To enhance your
47:19enjoyment, anything else
47:21you need is under the pillow.
47:23LAUGHTER
47:25Oh, God, they have thought of everything.
47:27LAUGHTER
47:29Patrick,
47:31I know I've been a pain these last
47:33few weeks.
47:35It'd be nice if tonight we could, um,
47:37make up for all that.
47:39As far as I'm concerned, you could even
47:41keep that ridiculous-looking...
47:43Yes?
47:45LAUGHTER
47:47Come here.
48:03I think
48:05we're going to need some
48:07ice.
48:09Be two cents.
48:35LAUGHTER
48:37Oh, I'm so
48:39tired. Don't worry about it.
48:41Everyone's cool tonight.
48:43Hey, hey, hey, where are you going?
48:45You're going to miss all the action.
48:47Looks like being a good one, Lorna said.
48:49I don't know where they're from.
48:51Last minute arrivals or something.
48:53LAUGHTER
48:55LAUGHTER
48:57LAUGHTER
48:59LAUGHTER
49:01LAUGHTER
49:03LAUGHTER
49:05LAUGHTER
49:07LAUGHTER
49:09LAUGHTER
49:11LAUGHTER
49:13LAUGHTER
49:15LAUGHTER
49:17LAUGHTER
49:19LAUGHTER
49:21LAUGHTER
49:23LAUGHTER
49:25LAUGHTER
49:27LAUGHTER
49:29LAUGHTER
49:31LAUGHTER
49:33LAUGHTER
49:35LAUGHTER
49:37LAUGHTER
49:39LAUGHTER
49:41LAUGHTER
49:43LAUGHTER
49:45We were wondering if...
49:47the bed was still going.
49:49LAUGHTER
49:51I'm going to take a couple of Valium tonight
49:53and to hell with it.
49:55LAUGHTER
49:57Let's have that toiletry bag in the back seat.
49:59I'll have the rest of the bottle.
50:01LAUGHTER
50:05Are they OK?
50:07Oh, I think so.
50:09There's things that go on in some of these hotels.
50:11LAUGHTER
50:13If you're talking about a plague of devils,
50:15that man certainly had his share this weekend.
50:17God knows what he'd have done
50:19if he'd known there was a live bird-eating
50:21spider on the premises.
50:23I just hope you blocked up that tank
50:25properly when you put him back in.
50:27What if he manages to squeeze
50:29his way out again somehow?
50:31Stop worrying and go to sleep.
50:33SLEEPY MUSIC
50:35SLEEPY MUSIC
50:37SLEEPY MUSIC
50:39SLEEPY MUSIC
50:41SLEEPY MUSIC
50:43SLEEPY MUSIC
50:45SLEEPY MUSIC
50:47SLEEPY MUSIC
50:49SLEEPY MUSIC
50:51LAUGHTER
50:53LAUGHTER
50:55LAUGHTER
50:57I told you about my missing brother-in-law.
50:59He gave me directions up here and everything.
51:01LAUGHTER
51:05Look, I told you nothing happened
51:07with me and Christine.
51:09You are dead, mate.
51:11Why won't you believe me? We never did anything.
51:13God!
51:15What's happened there now?
51:17I promise you.
51:19I thought they'd got it all sorted out.
51:21You never laid a finger on her.
51:23Please, just try and understand.
51:25For God's sake!
51:27Leave it to just let them sort it out themselves.
51:29Prepare!
51:31Prepare!
51:33Prepare!
51:35Prepare!
51:37Prepare!
51:39Prepare!
51:41Prepare!
51:43Prepare!
51:45Just as well they have moved and they're going to carry on
51:47like this every bloody night.
51:49LAUGHTER
51:51Look, I've got no reason to lie to you.
51:53She doesn't even fancy me in the first place.
51:55She won't fancy you any place after tonight.
51:57Just let them be.
51:59It's got nothing to do with us.
52:01But it's ridiculous.
52:03I mean, what's she doing to him in there?
52:05Shit!
52:07MUSIC
52:09MUSIC
52:11MUSIC
52:13Come on, girls!
52:15LAUGHTER
52:17It's all gone quiet now.
52:19LAUGHTER
52:21LAUGHTER
52:23LAUGHTER
52:25LAUGHTER
52:27LAUGHTER
52:29LAUGHTER
52:31LAUGHTER
52:33LAUGHTER
52:35It's a door lock.
52:37I think all the keys are the same in this place.
52:39I'm being struck!
52:41LAUGHTER
52:43LAUGHTER
52:45LAUGHTER
52:47What?
52:49What on God!
52:51Get in!
52:53All aboard, hang on!
52:55LAUGHTER
52:57LAUGHTER
52:59LAUGHTER
53:01LAUGHTER
53:03MUSIC
53:05MUSIC
53:07MUSIC
53:09MUSIC
53:11MUSIC
53:13HE GASPS
53:15You can't! Oh, please, you can't.
53:18No, no, don't let it be.
53:20Please, let go.
53:28Oh, God! Call for an ambulance!
53:36Anyway, Iris, the light will be going soon.
53:41And it's starting to get a bit chilly.
53:43So I expect I'll finish this later, when I get home.
54:13Oh, my God.
54:35Do you need...
54:37Shh!
54:42I mean, how can anyone miss a shoot-off like that?
54:46Oh, the same as Jimmy White in a final completely goes to pieces.
54:52Oh, here's that weird angle again,
54:56when you think the ball's going to shoot out of the screen and whack you in the eye.
55:01You've got these miniature cameras everywhere in sport now.
55:05Posts, crickets, dogs.
55:07Suppose if a sticking went up Willie Carson's bottom before long,
55:11then all the other horses coming up behind him.
55:14You were a long time in the end.
55:16Popped down the cemetery to put some flowers on your dad's grave.
55:20Then I got writing that letter to Iris and time just seemed to slip away.
55:24You tell her about all that business at Ursula's and the witch?
55:27Yes.
55:28The character who said I'd be dead within five days shot his theory down in flames.
55:32I can't get everything right.
55:36But I was going to live a long and peaceful life.
55:40Peaceful enough tonight?
55:43Yes.
55:46Oh, for the love of Mike, listen to that.
55:49That bloody snapping noise has started up again now.
55:52The one that sounds like Indiana Jones inside their head,
55:55cracking his whip every five seconds.
55:58Two days after they fixed it.
56:00I've just about had it.
56:02Come round here, resting their soldering irons in your glasses?
56:07If you ask me, I don't think...
56:09Hello!
56:10Is that the service department?
56:13I heard that in the background.
56:15Yes, you can tell that it is the bald old beggar with the attitude problem.
56:19I don't like the way your service department carries on.
56:23Never mind, go back to being a scarecrow.
56:26No, no, no, she's good.
56:28If you say that, I've got to deal with more time
56:31with many people's equipment, we might start to get some.