SOAP Season 1 episodes 21-22
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00:00In last week's episode of Soap, Elaine told Danny that if he tried to put an end to their relationship, she would have her father put an end to Danny.
00:10Bert ended up agreeing to go to an institution, where he can hopefully put an end to his invisibility.
00:16Meanwhile, Jessica might end up behind bars, since the judge she's ended up with once invested and lost $40,000 with Chester.
00:25Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
00:34This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
00:41These are the Tates.
00:44And these are the Campbells.
00:48And this is Soap.
00:55You shut up! Get out!
00:57Don't take boys!
00:59Get out!
01:20I can't believe it. Danny's bringing home a girl. I'm a nervous wreck.
01:23Mary, what are you nervous about?
01:25Listen, a guy brings home a girl. It's important. It's serious.
01:28I don't know. I used to bring him home because I couldn't pay for dinner.
01:33I hope she likes us. I hope she's nice. Oh, God, I'm nervous.
01:37Mary, Mary, wait a minute. You've got this all wrong. She's the one being brought home. She's supposed to be nervous, not you.
01:43You're right. I'm not being looked over. I'm doing the looking over.
01:48Right.
01:49I'm the one that has to like her.
01:50Right.
01:51Then why am I so nervous?
01:53Beats me.
01:55Josh, there is one thing.
01:58This is obviously someone Danny likes a lot. Someone special, you know?
02:03So I think we ought to get to know her a little longer before we spring certain things on her.
02:08Like what?
02:11Like if you get the urge to become invisible, for example.
02:16I think that you ought to get to know her before you let her see you do that.
02:20Oh, well, yeah, of course.
02:22You know, I suppose I shouldn't tell her about being committed next week either.
02:26Oh, it's them. It's them.
02:32Hi.
02:37Mary.
02:38What are you doing? Open the door.
02:39Mary, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it's a guy.
02:44What?
02:45It must be contagious. Danny's as gay as Jodie.
02:49He's with a guy.
02:50Bert, what are you talking about? Open the door.
02:52Okay, then, you'll see. Now, just don't scream.
02:56I'm a little fruit city.
02:59What are you, fruit cake? Get your hands off me.
03:01Bert, Bert, Bert.
03:02Take it easy. He's a bodyguard.
03:04What?
03:05Yeah, you see, Elaine's father, he worries about her, so she has a bodyguard.
03:09And I thought I was overprotective.
03:14Do we get to meet her, or does she just wave from the car?
03:18No, no. She'll be right in.
03:22Dan, have you slept with her yet?
03:24Oh.
03:28I mean, because when you do, what happens with the girl?
03:34Elaine, this is my mother, Mary Campbell.
03:37Hi.
03:38This is my stepdad, Bert Campbell.
03:39Yes, hello.
03:40Mom, Dad, this is Elaine Lefkowitz.
03:43Jewish.
03:45One of it.
03:46One of it.
03:47Nothing. I love Jewish people.
03:49Elaine, come in, come in. Sit down.
03:52Danny, Jewish?
03:54So?
03:55You don't know about Jewish girls?
03:56They're hot.
03:58You're going to have yourself a lot of fun here if you aren't already.
04:02So, come on, tell me, how did you two meet?
04:05Well, he broke into my bedroom.
04:09Boy, you Jews have the greatest sense of humor.
04:11It's the truth.
04:13You know, it's a good thing you're here tonight,
04:15because next week Bert's going to be committed.
04:17He thinks he can make himself invisible.
04:20I want you to know everything about this family before marrying into it.
04:24Hi, everybody.
04:25Hey, hey, hey.
04:26Hey, what is he, some kind of weirdo?
04:28I don't know.
04:29Get your hands off me, you goon.
04:31You see that? He thinks that doll is real,
04:34and to tell you the truth, sometimes so do I.
04:37He's nuts.
04:38He's my son.
04:39He's still nuts.
04:41Hey, do I get to meet the dindo or what?
04:45Elaine, this is Chuck and Bob.
04:49Guys, this is Elaine Lefkowitz.
04:51Hi.
04:52Hi, nice coat.
04:53You thought it's polar bears?
04:57Throw her a fish, maybe she'll do a trick.
05:02Cute, huh?
05:05Hi.
05:07Danny, for me? You shouldn't have.
05:14Hi.
05:15Don't you think we should talk first?
05:20Is that Elaine?
05:21That's her.
05:23Elaine, this is Jody.
05:25Jody, this is Elaine Lefkowitz.
05:27Hi, Jody.
05:28Hi.
05:29Jody's a fruit.
05:33Hey, whose family's perfect?
05:35My father's a gangster.
05:39Your father's a gangster?
05:41My father's a gangster.
05:43Hey, your son is a fruit.
05:45He's not my son. He's my son.
05:47Well, he's crazy.
05:49All right, that's it. I've had it. I'm leaving.
05:57Now he's invisible.
05:59Oh, my God, this is a zoo.
06:01So, uh, you want to change your mind?
06:05Hey, cutie, want to mess around?
06:09Uh, excuse me.
06:13Can I have your attention, please?
06:15I am sure Danny called and told you all to act as strange as possible.
06:20But I'm afraid you've oversold it.
06:22No family can be this crazy.
06:25So, like it or not, Danny's little trick didn't work,
06:27and we're gonna go ahead with our plans.
06:30What plans?
06:31Uh, well, you see, Ma, it's, uh...
06:33It's, uh...
06:35Danny and I are getting married.
06:41Oh, wonderful.
06:42He'll get a blood test, and the bear will get a rabies shot.
07:04I don't know, Father.
07:06I just don't think this retreat is working.
07:09I mean, I still think about her.
07:11In fact, I think I think about her more here than I did back home.
07:15But that could be because I need something to keep my mind off this curry.
07:19Listen, I know we're not supposed to ask for signs.
07:21We're supposed to go on faith.
07:23But do you think you can give me a sign anyway?
07:26I mean, just something to let me know I'm on the right track.
07:29Just something to let me know I'm on the right track.
07:32Tim.
07:38My God, is this the sign?
07:40Tim.
07:45Corinne.
07:46Corinne, how did you get here?
07:48No one can get here.
07:49This place is totally isolated.
07:51Oh, it wasn't easy, let me tell you.
07:53I had to hire an Indian guide to help me up the mountain,
07:56and halfway up he quit.
07:57What?
07:58It's below zero out there.
08:00It's below zero in here.
08:02Tim, is this where you live?
08:04Yes.
08:05Corinne, you can't stay here.
08:07You can't stay here either.
08:08It's freezing.
08:09Now, there's a beautiful hotel down the mountain in Banff.
08:12You'll love it.
08:13There's fireplaces and room service.
08:16Let's go, Tim.
08:18Corinne.
08:20I came here for a reason, remember?
08:22To forget you.
08:23Have you?
08:24No.
08:26Good.
08:29Father Tim.
08:31Oh, it's a vision.
08:33Father Tim, a vision.
08:40Corinne, get out of here.
08:41In one minute, that guy's going to be on the phone with Rome
08:43and they'll declare a new saint.
08:45Now, go.
08:46Go?
08:47After what I went through to get up here?
08:50You think it was easy?
08:52You think it was easy?
08:53I mean, I buy a new outfit
08:56and I travel to another country
08:59and then with my history of dizzy spells,
09:01I climb a mountain with an Indian
09:03who has not seen a woman in three years.
09:07And I finally get here and you say, go?
09:10Forget it.
09:11You've got yourself a roommate.
09:16Listen, Corinne.
09:17I came up here to get over you.
09:20But it's not working.
09:21But I have to see it through.
09:22I have to finish it.
09:24So, please, go and I'll see you when I'm done.
09:28It's not working?
09:30No.
09:33She smiles.
09:35I'm a priest, probably in love with a woman
09:37and she smiles.
09:39In love?
09:41Corinne, please, go.
09:44Okay.
09:46No, no.
09:47The way you came.
09:49Okay.
09:52All right.
09:58But I'll be down at that hotel.
10:04She was here, she was.
10:06It was a vision, right, Father Tim?
10:08She was a vision, all right.
10:11But she's gone now.
10:13The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away.
10:17Yeah.
10:18Maybe I've been on the mountain too long.
10:21What?
10:35No, I've never been so embarrassed in all my life.
10:37Why?
10:38To have to call Sheriff Tinkler to report your father's disappearance
10:41the very morning that you're to go on trial for murder.
10:45It's insane what's happening to this family.
10:47I know.
10:48We certainly are having our run of bad luck.
10:52All that wasn't bad enough.
10:54The new tie that I was going to wear this morning, it's missing.
10:58But you should have told Sheriff Tinkler about that too
11:00and while he's looking for Daddy, he could look for your tie.
11:04Jessica.
11:07Well, I've checked around and none of the neighbors have seen Grandpa.
11:10Some say they hope they never do
11:11and three say if they see him, they'll kill him.
11:15Jessica, when your father left last night, did he say where he was going?
11:19Oh, Chester, you know it doesn't matter where he says he's going.
11:22You remember the last time he said he was going for a walk
11:25and he overpowered the driver of that low and brow beer truck
11:27and claimed it for America?
11:32Well, maybe Benson knows where he is.
11:35Where's Benson?
11:36Mother, is that what you're wearing to court?
11:38Well, yes.
11:39Well, I don't know about that dress.
11:41I think what you want to do is wear a color that's the most sympathetic to the jury.
11:45Jessica, where's Benson?
11:46Black should do it.
11:47I mean, widows wear black to funerals and look how much sympathy they get.
11:52No, I think black is too depressing.
11:54Eunice, Jessica, Benson.
11:57What about Benson, dear?
11:58Where is he?
11:59I don't know, Chester.
12:00Perhaps he's with Daddy in your new tie.
12:06Benson, where's the major?
12:08How am I supposed to know?
12:11You look wonderful, Benson.
12:13Thank you.
12:15Benson, you know the major gets in trouble.
12:18You're supposed to watch him.
12:19Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
12:21It ain't my job to watch him.
12:23Now, the only thing I got to watch around here is what's cooking in my oven.
12:26You want me to watch him?
12:27You put him on a platter with a lot of little potatoes on it.
12:32You know, Jessica, it's a good thing I'm not a bigot
12:35because if I were, I could say a few things right here.
12:38Like what?
12:40Beige.
12:41You should wear beige.
12:42Beige is the perfect color, Mother.
12:44Benson, I think I tied this wrong.
12:46That's my tie.
12:48That's right.
12:49See, I don't have one of my own,
12:50so I asked Benson to pick one of yours that would be suitable.
12:53You gave him my new tie?
12:55How about that?
12:58He can't wear that.
12:59I'm wearing that.
13:01It's all yours.
13:04Major, where have you been?
13:07Hi, Gramps.
13:08Daddy, where have you been?
13:11Chester, he's not answering.
13:13I can see that, Jessica.
13:15But he is smiling, so wherever he's been, it was nice.
13:20I think I am in love.
13:22Chester, Daddy's got a girlfriend.
13:25Oh.
13:28Where did you meet her, Daddy?
13:30I met her in the cemetery.
13:32I go to see my old friends there.
13:34I have lots of friends there.
13:36And there she was.
13:38Sheba Pfeiffer.
13:41That's her name, and I'm in love with her.
13:44Sheba Pfeiffer.
13:47Sheba Pfeiffer.
13:49I don't think I know the family.
13:53Where did you spend the night?
13:55Colonel, as an officer and a gentleman,
13:58you shouldn't even ask that question.
14:01This is the real thing.
14:03This is it.
14:04I haven't felt like this
14:06since my dear, departed, beloved wife.
14:09Whoever she was.
14:15Benson!
14:16Who are you?
14:17I need you.
14:18Up here.
14:21Jessica, come on out of there.
14:24Jessica, this is a murder trial.
14:26It's not a party where it's chic to be late.
14:28I'm not going.
14:29What do you mean, you're not going?
14:30You're not going at all?
14:31I'm not going at all.
14:32I see.
14:33You know they'll put you in jail for this, Jessica.
14:35Jessica, I'm not going to let you do this to yourself.
14:38I'll have to break down the door.
14:40Stand back, Jess, because the wood is going to fly.
14:47Nice work, Clint.
14:53Good, solid door.
14:55They don't make doors like this anymore.
14:58Where are we going?
14:59As soon as I can get your mother out of the bathroom.
15:02Benson, I want you to go downstairs, get a ladder,
15:04go up on the roof and through the window.
15:07Are you talking to me?
15:10What, are you crazy?
15:11I ain't going up on no roof.
15:13You go up on the roof.
15:15I'll do it.
15:16No, you won't.
15:17Come on.
15:18The last time you were up on the roof,
15:19you spent the summer in traction.
15:21I ain't going up on the roof, and neither are you.
15:23Gotta get her out of there, Benson.
15:24So, you go up there.
15:26Well, Benson, don't you think I would if I could?
15:28No.
15:31No, I can't.
15:32I get nosebleeds.
15:34Nosebleeds?
15:35I'll give you a nosebleed.
15:38All right, all right, I'll do it.
15:40No, Benson.
15:41I don't want you climbing on that roof.
15:43It's dangerous.
15:44Well, I'm going to have to go up on the roof
15:46if you don't get out of there.
15:48So, if I go up there and break my neck,
15:49it'll be on your head.
15:54Thank you.
15:59Don't be afraid, Jess.
16:00You won't be found guilty.
16:01Malou is the best.
16:02Oh, I know that, Chester.
16:04And I'm...
16:05I'm not really afraid of that.
16:07What are you afraid of?
16:09Well, I can't tell you.
16:10You'd think I'm crazy.
16:11No, I won't.
16:13I'm afraid for the trial to be over.
16:16What are you, crazy?
16:19Why, Jess?
16:20Because it's brought us close together.
16:22We're close now, Chester.
16:23We talk, we laugh, we drink wine.
16:25We spend our evenings together
16:27and our weekends together.
16:29It's been just like a honeymoon, Chester.
16:31Well, that's the way it usually happens, Jess.
16:33It generally takes a crisis to bring people together.
16:35But it's just been so wonderful.
16:37I don't want it to end,
16:38and I'm afraid that when the trial's over, it will.
16:41But why?
16:42Well, you know,
16:44if I'm found innocent,
16:46then the crisis will be over,
16:48and we'll just go back to being strangers.
16:50And if I'm found guilty, it'll definitely be over
16:53because I'll be on death row.
16:56That won't happen, Jess.
16:57I won't let it, I promise.
16:58Really, Chester?
16:59Really, Jess.
17:00Oh!
17:09Hello, I'm Carol David, Mr. Maloo's assistant.
17:12And you are?
17:13Mary Campbell.
17:14This is my husband, Bert.
17:16Thank you.
17:17And you?
17:19Danny.
17:20Right.
17:22And, uh...
17:23Chuck.
17:24And Bob.
17:29And you're Jody?
17:30You sound surprised.
17:31You're the suicidal homosexual?
17:33Do we have mutual friends?
17:36Well, no, no, it just says, uh...
17:38I mean...
17:39Well, what did you expect?
17:40That I'd be in a dress with a noose around my neck?
17:48I'm sorry, I, uh...
17:50I guess what threw me is you're just so adorable.
18:00Most suicidal homosexuals are.
18:03Uh, listen, when court adjourns for lunch,
18:06give me a chance to start off on a better foot.
18:15Please.
18:17Okay.
18:21Okay.
18:25Hear ye, hear ye.
18:26The court is now in session
18:27with the Honorable Anthony Piccillo presiding.
18:29Uh, Piccillo presiding.
18:35Court will please rise.
18:43All right, everyone be seated.
18:51Where the hell is she?
18:52This is a murder trial.
18:53You can't be late for your own murder trial.
18:55Counselor!
18:56Where's the defendant?
18:57Uh, Your Honor, they were detained.
18:59I think she should be here any second.
19:01Something must have happened, Your Honor,
19:03because Jessica's always on time.
19:05That's one thing about Jessie, she's never, ever late.
19:08Counselor, who's that?
19:11Her sister, Your Honor, Mary Campbell.
19:13And this is my husband, Bird.
19:15And these are my sons.
19:16Uh, that's Bird's son.
19:19You know, last night,
19:21Jessie had a little upset stomach.
19:23Maybe she was feeling a little nauseous.
19:25Sit down.
19:29Hello, hello, hello.
19:32Oh, I'm sorry.
19:36I'm sorry I kept you waiting.
19:38I'm sorry, Your Honor.
19:40But we simply could not find a parking spot outside.
19:43I thought surely there would be one reserved for the defendant,
19:46but there wasn't.
19:47Everything was marked official parking only.
19:50And just as said,
19:51this is just another example
19:53of the idiotic inefficiency of the judicial system.
20:01Is this my jury?
20:04Oh, hello.
20:06Mrs. Chase.
20:07Mrs. Chase.
20:10Will you, uh, please sit down?
20:13Nice outfit.
20:15Yeah.
20:16What's this for?
20:17In case you want to jot something down or write me a note.
20:19Well, why would I want to write you a note?
20:21I'm sitting right next to you.
20:24Oh, I'll tell you.
20:25If I go to Europe in the spring,
20:27I'll write you a note.
20:29Counselor, are you ready?
20:31Yes, Your Honor.
20:32Is it all right if I doodle?
20:34Yes, yes.
20:38Oh, look who's here.
20:41Hello, hello, Mr. Franklin.
20:44Uh, Mrs. Tate.
20:45Oh, no, no.
20:46Judge, judge, judge.
20:47Hold that thought one minute.
20:49We'll get right back to you.
20:53Don't you think it's silly
20:54for all of us to sit at two big tables?
20:56I mean, it creates an almost antagonistic atmosphere.
21:00Sort of them versus us.
21:03Don't you think it would be better
21:04if we all sat at one large table?
21:07Much warmer and friendlier.
21:09Mrs. Tate.
21:10Mrs. Tate.
21:11Mrs. Tate, I've endured
21:12your stalling tactics long enough.
21:14Counselor, please.
21:19All right, Mr. Franklin.
21:21You can begin your opening statement.
21:23Thank you, Your Honor.
21:26Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
21:28we have here an unusual case.
21:31Unusual in the sense
21:33that this being a small town,
21:35the defendant is familiar to most of you.
21:38You must, however...
21:40I repeat, you must divorce yourself
21:42from any previous opinions
21:44you may have of the defendant
21:46and instead pay attention
21:48only to what you hear in this room.
21:52And what you will hear in this room,
21:54ladies and gentlemen,
21:55is, I'm afraid,
21:56a chilling story
21:58of how a wife and mother
22:00cold-bloodedly, methodically,
22:02and with malice aforethought,
22:04committed murder.
22:06Ooh, a mother?
22:11How awful.
22:15Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
22:16it is true,
22:17and I will show you
22:18how Jessica Tate,
22:20an angry, spurned, frustrated woman...
22:23What?
22:25...with hate in her heart,
22:27in cold blood,
22:29murdered Peter Campbell, the...
22:31Oh, please.
22:41I have never heard anything
22:42so rude and awful
22:44in all my life.
22:45Now, Mrs. Tate,
22:46one more word from you,
22:47and I'm gonna hold you in contempt.
22:49Me?
22:50Well, if there's any contempt around here,
22:52it's coming from him.
22:54I have never heard anything
22:55so contemptible in all my life,
22:57and I am not going to stand for it.
23:00I'm going.
23:07Oh, oh, oh.
23:09All right, all right, I'll stay.
23:11But I must warn you,
23:12if you continue in this manner,
23:14I will not come back tomorrow.
23:18Go on now, but be nice.
23:24The prosecution will attempt to...
23:29Will Danny marry Elaine?
23:31Or will he choose the carefree life of a bachelor
23:33and have his head blown off?
23:35Will Father Tim leave the retreat to see Corinne?
23:38And if he does,
23:39will they make him pay for the window?
23:41Will Jessica be found guilty
23:43of the heinous crime
23:44that Franklin has accused her of?
23:46And what does heinous mean?
23:48These questions and many others
23:50will be answered
23:51on next week's episode of Soap.
23:56In last week's episode of Soap,
23:58Danny brought Elaine home to meet the family.
24:01Despite Bert's invisibility,
24:03Mary's hostility,
24:04Jody's homosexuality,
24:06and Chuck and Bob's insanity,
24:08Elaine wants to marry him anyway.
24:10Perhaps she doesn't plan on having children.
24:12Meanwhile, at Jessica's trial,
24:14Malou's assistant, Carol,
24:16has asked Jody out,
24:17even though he's gay.
24:19Jody has accepted,
24:20even though she's a girl.
24:22Jessica turned her trial into a tea party
24:25and then tried to leave
24:26when the prosecutor said nasty things about her
24:29and spoiled the fun.
24:30Confused?
24:31You won't be
24:32after this week's episode of Soap.
24:37This is the story of two sisters,
24:41Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
24:45These are the Tates.
24:48And these are the Campbells.
24:52And this is Soap.
24:56Soap.
25:27Mmm.
25:30This is a terrific place.
25:32I'm so glad we came.
25:33I'm just glad I finally got you out at night.
25:36Carol, lunch, dinner, what's the difference?
25:38Dinner is romantic.
25:40Carol, there's not gonna be any romance here.
25:43Why?
25:44I'm a homosexual, remember?
25:49I've been meaning to speak to you about that.
25:51Listen, Carol,
25:53I like you,
25:54I like you,
25:55but, uh, I'm gay.
25:57So if you have expectations other than being friends, I...
25:59I want to go to bed with you.
26:10Listen, Carol, uh, I-I'm...
26:13I'm-I'm flattered,
26:15but, uh, due to circumstances beyond my control, I...
26:17You mean you don't want to go to bed with me?
26:19Right.
26:20You're kidding?
26:21No.
26:22You mean you would rather go to bed with him than me?
26:25Him.
26:26Him.
26:29Him.
26:35Why would you want to go to bed with him?
26:37I'm better looking than he is.
26:39I mean, I wouldn't even want to go to bed with him.
26:41Oh, you know, this is wonderful.
26:43I finally meet a guy I really like, and he hates me.
26:45I don't hate you, I like you.
26:47I just don't want to sleep with you.
26:49You don't like me.
26:50I do, a lot.
26:52I love being with you.
26:54Listen, we can be friends, and we can see each other all the time.
26:57We can?
26:58Sure, as friends.
26:59And we can go out?
27:00Absolutely, as friends.
27:02And we could go away for a weekend together.
27:09Well, I...
27:10As friends.
27:12Right, as friends.
27:14Well, would you come to the Cape with me this weekend?
27:16You see, I was going to go by myself, but I'd really much rather go with you.
27:28As friends?
27:29Ready.
27:33Okay, but just as friends.
27:35Right.
27:47Mary?
27:49Mary, look.
27:51You can't tell who's who here.
27:53What do you mean, Don?
27:55I mean, look at them. They all look alike.
27:57I mean, which ones are the patients, and which ones are the visitors?
28:00Maybe they're all visitors, Bert.
28:02Mary, you have visitors visiting the visitors?
28:05Now, who are the doctors?
28:08I can't tell who anybody is here.
28:10Hello.
28:11Hello? Sure, hello.
28:13It's easy for you to say hello.
28:15Hello, I'll give you hello. Hello!
28:21I think I'll be able to tell.
28:27Hi.
28:28Hello.
28:30Hi.
28:31You here to check in?
28:32Yes, please.
28:33Name?
28:34Bert Campbell.
28:36Bert Campbell.
28:37Doctor's name?
28:38Medlow.
28:39Ah, Dr. Medlow. He's a good man.
28:41Symptoms?
28:42Invisibility.
28:46Hey, that's not bad. I'm paranoid.
28:48I beg your pardon?
28:50Paranoid.
28:51The secret police are after me.
28:53The Argentinian secret police.
28:56And they might be back.
28:57So, uh, that's why I keep changing hats.
28:59It confuses them.
29:01I see Harold's admitted you.
29:03I'm Dr. Resnick. You must be Mr. Campbell.
29:05Yes, hello.
29:06Hi.
29:07I'll give you two a few minutes to say goodbye, and then I'll be back to show you around.
29:10Now, where were we?
29:12He's a patient.
29:13Hey, with these hats, you think I'm on staff?
29:16Harold Bronfman, paranoid schizophrenic.
29:19You work here?
29:20Oh, yeah. We all help out.
29:22Well, I'll see you later.
29:28It's a cheerful place.
29:31Mary, please don't, huh? Come on.
29:33We all know what it is.
29:35But, darling, they'll help you. They'll help you get better.
29:37I don't know, Mary.
29:38Doesn't look like there's been much help to the Mad Hatter.
29:43Kirk, we don't know.
29:45You know, maybe this is an improvement.
29:47Maybe when he first came here, he'd change his entire outfit.
29:58This is not an easy goodbye.
30:00It's not goodbye. I'll be back tomorrow.
30:02Yeah, but will I?
30:05You'll be fine. You'll see.
30:07Last time I felt like this, I was five,
30:09and my mother left me in kindergarten.
30:11I felt like my life was over.
30:13I know, darling, but I'll be here every day.
30:17I promise.
30:19You call me if you need anything.
30:21Okay?
30:27See you tomorrow.
30:37I love you.
30:53Scared?
30:56What?
30:57You're scared stiff.
30:59Hey, hey, I'm not scared stiff.
31:01What have I got to be scared stiff of?
31:03Well, you got a guy talking,
31:05you change his hats every ten seconds.
31:07You got a lady over there who thinks NBC is trying to kill her
31:10by shooting death rays into her so we can never watch Johnny Carson.
31:14Got a guy over there who thinks he's the Incredible Hulk's cousin by marriage.
31:19Okay, okay, so I'm a little scared.
31:22You'd be crazy if you weren't.
31:24Hey, listen, I was terrified.
31:26I got here, I said,
31:28that's it, Harold, you're never getting out.
31:30But I'm getting better.
31:32Oh, yeah, I'm getting out in a couple of weeks.
31:35What about the hats?
31:36We're working on it.
31:38Listen, Bert, they'll make you better here, they really will.
31:42Look, the really nice thing about it is,
31:44you remember how crazy you felt on the outside?
31:47You'd worry what people would think.
31:49Well, here, you never feel the least bit crazy.
31:52Hey, how can you?
31:56Come on, I'll show you your room.
31:58Okay, thanks.
32:01Here.
32:02Have a hat.
32:24Well, that's it.
32:25I mean, the minute we find Billy, I am leaving.
32:28I absolutely refuse to bring any more tragedy into this family.
32:31Jessica, stop talking nonsense.
32:33No, I am a curse. I am like one enormous jinx.
32:36If Edgar Allan Poe were alive, he'd fall in love with me.
32:42Jessica, it's perfectly normal for a young man to run away at one time or another.
32:46No, it's me.
32:48Something awful happens, just look around.
32:50I'll be in the vicinity.
32:52Jessica, just...
32:53Peter gets murdered, Bert goes insane,
32:55Corinne runs away, Billy leaves home.
32:57I am very surprised India had those floods without me.
33:02Maybe he went to Jennifer's.
33:04He wouldn't be caught dead at Jennifer's.
33:06Benson, he happens to be in love with Jennifer.
33:08That was last week. This week he hates her guts.
33:20You want me to get there?
33:24If you don't mind.
33:28Dick Tracy.
33:33Well, did you find him?
33:35This family is a whole career.
33:37Did you find him, Tinkler?
33:39It's incredible what goes on in this house.
33:41I mean, she's on trial for murder, judge tells me you're an embezzler,
33:44the major shoots up the neighborhood, now your son's run away from home.
33:47Have you folks ever considered family counseling?
33:50Tinkler, you meddling moron, did you find him?
33:53Tinkler, you meddling moron, did you find him?
33:56He's lucky he found this house.
33:59I'm going to find Billy. Give me your keys.
34:01Wait a minute, that's an official car.
34:03It's okay, I'll tell him I'm you.
34:06Okay.
34:10Wait a minute.
34:12Better take my hat.
34:14Yeah, good.
34:24Hey, what are you doing still up?
34:26Waiting for you.
34:28Is something the matter?
34:30Let's talk.
34:32Yeah, sure, what is it?
34:34You and Elaine.
34:36Oh, yeah.
34:38Danny, do you love her?
34:41Yeah.
34:45Well, it's the strangest love I've ever seen.
34:47I watched the two of you.
34:49Every time she opens her mouth, you open yours.
34:51I love you.
34:52Every time she opens her mouth, you cringe.
34:55You make believe you don't hear her when she asks you a question,
34:57and a few times you stuck your tongue out at her when her back was turned.
35:02Were you, uh, spying on us?
35:05Spying? You were at the dinner table.
35:09Danny, don't marry without love.
35:12There's nothing lonelier than that.
35:14Where would Bert and I be now if we didn't love each other?
35:17I have to marry her.
35:18She's pregnant.
35:21Danny, you don't have to marry these days for that.
35:25These are modern times.
35:27Pregnancy is no longer a reason to marry in panic.
35:31She's not pregnant.
35:32Thank God.
35:36Good night, Ma.
35:38Then why are you marrying her?
35:42Ma, you remember when I told you that the mob had a contract out on me?
35:47Well, Elaine intervened and saved my life.
35:50Well, Danny, gratitude is nice.
35:53But you don't have to marry her.
35:55I mean, something from Tiffany's would be ample.
35:58I have to marry her.
36:02Danny, I don't know how to say this. Uh...
36:04What?
36:05Well, I'm afraid I'll hurt your feelings.
36:07Hey, come on, Ma.
36:09All right.
36:10Danny, she's awful.
36:13She's selfish and sarcastic
36:16and pushy and tactless
36:18and cruel and obnoxious.
36:23And her father will kill me if I don't marry her.
36:29People can change.
36:35Well, I guess it's bedtime.
36:39Good night, Ma.
36:43Good night, Danny.
37:02I am really the kiss of death.
37:05Yeah.
37:09You remember when Daddy and I went to Florida last year?
37:12First frost in 50 years killed the entire orange crop.
37:17Jessica, knock it off.
37:20Oh, Daddy.
37:22Daddy, did you find him?
37:24Who?
37:25Billy.
37:26Billy who?
37:27Billy, your grandson.
37:29Oh, the lad. No.
37:31But did you know this town has a black sheriff?
37:39Come on, Grandpa. I'll get you some tea.
37:43Here we are.
37:44Billy, oh, honey.
37:46Hello.
37:47Here are your car keys and your handcuff keys.
37:50Handcuff keys?
37:51Yeah, while I was out, I arrested a drunk driver.
37:54Yeah?
37:55Nice work.
37:58You people through with the hero's welcome?
38:01This is a runaway kid, not a lost puppy, you know.
38:04Are you gonna tell him or should I?
38:07You have a way of making me look good?
38:09Go on, tell him.
38:12Well, I got my report card back, and I failed math.
38:17Figured this family has enough trouble.
38:20Why add to it?
38:21I'm with Mom on trial for murder,
38:23Corinne leaving, and now Dad being...
38:25We know, we know.
38:27So I couldn't show you my report card,
38:29and I decided to run away.
38:31But when I was hitchhiking, the first car that stopped,
38:34I got scared and ran into the bushes.
38:36Oh, I had this awful picture,
38:37that the driver turned out to be the garbage bag killer.
38:42And 40 years from now,
38:43they'd discover my body in a glad bag,
38:45and you'd identify me from the fillings.
38:49I'm sorry I did it.
38:51Hope you're not mad at me.
38:53I mean, you really don't need that now
38:54with Mom on trial for murder and Dad being...
38:56We know, we know.
38:59Well, I'm sorry.
39:01And I work on my math.
39:03Hey, we're your family.
39:05We love you.
39:06Don't you know that there's nothing in the world
39:08that you could do that's so bad that you couldn't tell us?
39:11I mean, after all, I'm on trial for murder
39:13and your father's in that.
39:14We know, we know.
39:17Good night.
39:19Okay, son, why don't you go upstairs and get some sleep?
39:22Thanks, Dad.
39:23Hi, Grace.
39:25Oh, there you are.
39:27Look, everybody, I found him.
39:30You had us worried sick.
39:33I'm sorry.
39:35Say, did you know this town has a black sheriff?
39:44And so I remember that night very well.
39:46I ate chili and had gas.
39:49I couldn't get to sleep,
39:50so I stayed up and watched all the late movies.
39:52Then, at the crack of dawn,
39:54I heard Mr. Tate trip over the extension cord
39:57that I forgot to fix,
39:59and his cursing kept me up the whole rest of the night.
40:02So I know Mr. Tate never went out.
40:04My goodness, we have the incredible Kreskin here.
40:08We do?
40:11Amazing recall, Mr. Benson.
40:14Absolutely amazing retention of detail.
40:17Thank you.
40:18Tell me, is this some sort of voodoo way of knowing
40:23that you people have, or what?
40:25I object.
40:26I do, too.
40:27All right.
40:29Very well, Mr. Benson, keeping your eyes on me now,
40:32you would please demonstrate some more of this amazing talent.
40:36What color tie is the foreman wearing?
40:40Green with red stripes.
40:43And the woman seated directly behind him,
40:45what is she wearing?
40:46Yellow blouse with a blue skirt.
40:49And the man seated next to her?
40:52Three-piece blue suit with a blue shirt
40:55and a blue tie that clashes.
41:00And then the other guy?
41:02All right, all right, all right.
41:11You have a wonderful memory,
41:13but that doesn't prove that Mrs. Tate didn't tiptoe out
41:17and you didn't hear her.
41:18You may step down.
41:20What?
41:21I said you may step down, but you didn't hear me.
41:25Wonderful memory, rotten hearing.
41:27I call Mr. Chester Tate to the stand.
41:29No further questions.
41:30I have no questions.
41:32You may step down.
41:35The man mumbled, I hear green.
41:40You swear to tell the truth,
41:41the whole truth, nothing but the truth,
41:42so help you God?
41:43Of course I do, Tinkler.
41:45Benson, that was terrific.
41:46How did you remember what the jury was wearing?
41:48I could see the reflection in the window.
41:52Now then, Mr. Tate,
41:53according to your deposition on the night in question,
41:56you did not sleep with Mrs. Tate, is that correct?
41:59I believe it is.
42:00Actually, Mr. Tate,
42:01you hadn't slept with her for a long time,
42:03probably because you were busy sleeping
42:05with everything else around.
42:06All right, strike that.
42:07I'm sorry, counselor.
42:08Please forgive me if I referred to the man
42:11as a cheat and a womanizer.
42:13Now then, Mr. Tate,
42:15on that night,
42:16what time was it you last saw your wife?
42:19She did not go out, if that's what you mean.
42:22She didn't leave the house.
42:23I see.
42:24And why should we believe you, Mr. Tate?
42:27Because I'm telling the truth.
42:28I was sworn in.
42:29I see.
42:30So you're asking us to believe a man
42:32who was being investigated
42:33by the Securities and Exchange Commission
42:35for stock fraud and embezzlement.
42:38Oh, good!
42:42Objection, Your Honor.
42:43This is not Mr. Tate's trial.
42:45Sustained.
42:46What's your behavior, counselor?
42:47I am sorry, Your Honor.
42:49I just got carried away.
42:52Forgive me if I call the man
42:54a liar and a thief and a cheat.
42:57I'm sorry.
42:58And I'm also very impressed
42:59that you can be so fair and impartial
43:02towards a man who personally cheated you
43:04out of $40,000.
43:06No more questions?
43:09I have no questions.
43:10Your Honor.
43:11Step down.
43:12But, Your Honor.
43:13Step down.
43:14Step down.
43:20Cheat and a womanizer.
43:22Once in the war.
43:24Someone to be with during the end.
43:26The next day, I was wounded and shipped home.
43:29Tate, will you please sit down?
43:32Still pains me when the weather's damp.
43:37The prosecution would like to recall
43:39to the stand Jessica Tate.
43:42Good evening.
43:44Remember, you're still under oath.
43:46Oh, I know that.
43:50Watch this.
43:51Mrs. Tate.
43:52Did you know Peter Campbell?
43:54Yes.
43:55You took tennis lessons from him, did you not?
44:01Yes.
44:02You were also having an affair with him,
44:05weren't you, Mrs. Tate?
44:06Your Honor, I absolutely refuse
44:08to discuss my personal life with this man.
44:11What is past is past.
44:13What is past is past?
44:16This is a trial.
44:18Mrs. Tate, I order you to answer the question.
44:20Were you having an affair with Peter Campbell?
44:25Jury. Jury.
44:29It was very brief.
44:34Of course it was brief.
44:36You killed him.
44:37Objection.
44:38Sustained.
44:39I'm sorry I withdraw the remark.
44:41The jury will please disregard that last remark.
44:44Disregard it?
44:45I love it.
44:46How can they disregard it?
44:47You've already said it.
44:49One more outburst from you,
44:50and I'm gonna have Mr. Winkler
44:52remove you from the courtroom.
44:53Tinkler, Your Honor.
44:54Chief Tinkler.
44:55Oh, who cares?
45:00Lenore Feldman.
45:02That's who it is.
45:04It has been driving me crazy for days.
45:06I knew I knew you.
45:08Oh, Mrs. Mrs. Tate,
45:10this is a court of law.
45:11Lenore Feldman, Your Honor.
45:13Remember we did the hula dance
45:15with the PTA thing?
45:17Wally, wally, holly, holly.
45:19And our love went down the drain-o
45:21with the lava from the volcano.
45:32Drain-o? Volcano?
45:34It rhymes.
45:36Your Honor,
45:37I move that Mrs. Feldman
45:39be replaced by an alternate
45:41since she had a prior relationship
45:43with the island princess.
45:45Granted.
45:47So, you were having an affair
45:49with Peter Campbell,
45:50a man young enough to be your son.
45:52Hmm.
45:53The man who your daughter was in love.
45:55Her daughter, ladies and gentlemen.
45:57And she couldn't stand to see
45:59her daughter have him, so...
46:00Shoot that man!
46:06So this sick woman,
46:08left alone, frustrated, spurned...
46:11Objection, Your Honor.
46:13The prosecution is trying to create
46:15a smokescreen of smut and lies
46:17to hide the fact that their case
46:19is built only on the most meager
46:21circumstantial evidence.
46:23Your Honor, this case is a travesty.
46:25The prosecution is making a mockery
46:27of the judicial system.
46:28Is this America?
46:30Is this justice?
46:32Is this the end of my career?
46:34I move for dismissal.
46:38Order, order.
46:40Now, it seems that Mr. Maroux
46:42is correct, Mr. Franklin.
46:44Unless you can give me a good reason to continue,
46:46I'm going to have to dismiss this case.
46:48All right, it was going to be a surprise.
46:52But, Your Honor,
46:54tomorrow you will hear testimony
46:56so startling, so damaging
46:58to the defendant that we'll be lucky
47:00if the jury doesn't leap over the railing
47:02and lynch her on the spot.
47:12Will Jody and Carol go away for the weekend
47:14as just friends?
47:16What will they come back as?
47:18Will the hospital make Bert better?
47:20And if so,
47:22is invisibility covered by Blue Cross?
47:24Will Elaine change like Mary hopes?
47:26Or is Danny doomed to be married
47:28to a selfish, sarcastic,
47:30loud, pushy, tactless,
47:32cruel, and obnoxious person?
47:34Who is Franklin's
47:36surprise witness?
47:38And after hearing this witness' testimony,
47:40will the jury really jump over the railing
47:42and lynch Jessica on the spot?
47:44Would this be legal?
47:46These questions and many others
47:48will be answered on next week's episode of
47:50Soap.