First broadcast 26th May 2006.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Alan Carr
Ulrika Jonsson
Ruth Badger
David Baddiel
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Alan Carr
Ulrika Jonsson
Ruth Badger
David Baddiel
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight on 8 Out of 10 Jacks, he's coming home, David DeVeo, from The Apprentice, Luth
00:29And their captain, John Locke
00:33And facing them tonight, sweet, sweet, Ulrika Johnson
00:38Naughty but nice, it's Alan Carr
00:41And their captain, Dave Spikey
00:45Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr
00:52Hello and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics
00:58Did you know, for example, researchers say 65% of men are happy to have sex on a first date
01:03Happy? We're high-fiving strangers on the night bus
01:07The richest man in the world, the Sultan of Brunei, has 257 lavatories in his personal palace
01:14Must be all that foreign food
01:17And the scent of a human footprint is so strong that even humans can follow it
01:22Although, to be fair, they can see it
01:24It's a footprint
01:26Let's get started
01:35What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round
01:37We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation
01:39And they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week
01:42It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points
01:46Sean, David, Ruth Badger, what have the nation been talking about this week?
01:50I think they've partly been talking about Big Brother, which has just been on, hasn't it?
01:54One thing I think is interesting about this year's Big Brother is that I've got that bloke on who's got Tourette's Syndrome
01:58And it's going to be very interesting to see what happens at that bit where Davina says
02:01You're live on Channel 4, please do not swear
02:05Because he's going to explode, isn't he?
02:08I did watch a little bit of it and they seem, I don't know if I'm wrong, I may be wrong
02:13But they seem incredibly thick
02:16I mean, it's like they could have gone to Argos with a net and just thrown it
02:20There were 12 people holding it
02:24And they actually go through a selection process, don't they?
02:26What is the selection process? It's just someone saying, are you stupid?
02:29No, are you really stupid?
02:31I think it's either, have you got tits or do you like tits?
02:35That woman, she's called Lee, who's spent £35,000 on her breasts
02:39Have you seen them? They're grotesque, it looks like she's done it in loose change
02:44That's another...
02:49Oh, there's another £5 in there
02:53There is this Kit Kat thing going on at the moment, is there? Have you seen that?
02:55Yeah, yeah
02:56If you eat a Kit Kat, there's a golden ticket and you have to go into the Big Brother house
02:59Oh, Gordon Brown keeps checking in for tour now, I wouldn't have a Kit Kat, why have a Kit Kat?
03:04And you get sympathetic to your ex, because I think I cut it off watching Big Brother
03:08What, sympathetic to him?
03:09Sympathetic, you know, you put it on and within a minute you're going, waiters!
03:15Right, shall we have a look and see whether Big Brother is one of the top five most talked about things this week?
03:19Yes, it is
03:21Yes, 57% of you have been talking about the return of Big Brother
03:25One of the housemates, Imogen, is a former Miss Wales
03:27She won it by wearing a sheepskin coat and shitting down her legs
03:36Right, moving on, Dave, Alan, Ulrika, what have The Nation been talking about this week?
03:40Well, they've released that thing that Nottingham is the most dangerous place to live in England
03:45Well, they think it was Nottingham, there was someone being mugged in front of the sign
03:51But it's just ridiculous, because they said, like, Nottingham's the most for gun crime
03:56and if you live in Leicester, you're more likely to get sexually assaulted
03:59Now, I've seen the people of Leicester
04:02and if I got sexually assaulted, I probably would move to Nottingham and hope to get shot
04:10That's Southend, I don't know if anyone's been to Southend, but that's the safest, isn't it?
04:13And I think, that's Essex, I'm thinking that's full of criminals
04:16But obviously these criminals are commuting, aren't they?
04:20So Nottingham, bang bang, then coming back to Southend
04:23and then when the police come along, it's like that scene from Bugsy Malone
04:26where all the tables turn over, hey, what crime?
04:31Alan, I can tell you that's not in our top five
04:32This is the story that a new study has shown Nottingham to be the most crime-ridden place in the country
04:37You know what Nottingham needs? A sheriff
04:41OK, Sean, David and Ruth, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
04:45Well, there's a big debate about whether the NHS should fund alternative therapies
04:49Crystals and healing massages, or sort of, I don't know what they do, I don't know what that is
04:55Reflexology
04:57Reflexology and stuff like that
04:59If somebody's got the choice of having something that may make you better
05:02or is going to completely cure you, which one would you choose?
05:05Well, I think the thing is, if it's alternative therapy and they do it for you
05:08you should be allowed to pay them with alternative money
05:14All I know is if I'm in an accident, I want to hear a siren, not wind chimes
05:22I want to go to a hospital, not a bleeding wigwam
05:26I mean, a lot of it is rubbish, look at that aromatherapy
05:29When you smell something, it makes you feel better
05:31Now, my brother does that, but he does it with glue
05:39Reflexology is a load of rubbish
05:41No, it's great! I got pregnant through reflexology
05:44Oh, that wasn't reflexology
05:46I feel like I should be struck home
05:50When I was growing up, you know, it was all alternative therapy in our house, basically
05:54I'm of that age, though, you know
05:56You go to your mum and say, I don't feel very well
05:58She said, I know what you want, you want putting in a bag and shaking up
06:02It was, wasn't it? Laughter was the best medicine my dad always used to say to me
06:06Which is why I went over six and nearly died with diphtheria
06:10I can't breathe, knock knock
06:14Who's there? Don't look, don't look, boo
06:16Can I have someone to help you?
06:18Say, people are also having a car too
06:24Right, well, let's have a look and see whether alternative medicine is in one of the top five talking points this week
06:31Yes, it is
06:33OK, Dave's team, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
06:36Beckham's party, probably
06:39He was going to have a flypast, this was the interesting thing, wasn't it?
06:41He was going to have like a spitfire and a hurricane and a Lancaster bomber fly over the party
06:46And then they withdrew that, sort of a bit insensitive before the World Cup and all that business
06:50But I'm thinking, that's a missed opportunity, that, isn't it?
06:52Put a tentative David Blaine in it, Gordon Ramsay, P. Diddy
06:56The Osborns
06:58A bomber going over, just one bomb, one phone call, that's all it is
07:03She was excited, though, about the planes coming over because she was hoping one would have a food parcel on it
07:11They had this auction, didn't they? Dubai apartments, diamond encrusted watches, all that
07:15But no meat raffle
07:20Wayne Rooney bid 150,000 pounds, didn't he?
07:23For a weekend with P. Diddy
07:25In P. Diddy's apartment
07:26He's here
07:27Is he?
07:29He could just go and have a chat with him at the buffet
07:32I thought Puff Daddy must have, when he actually saw Wayne Rooney, he thought
07:35God, imagine him crashing around my house for two minutes
07:38Knocking vases over
07:40I'm going to have Shrek in my house
07:44Bashing open doors, not lifting a lid
07:48Where's the beans?
07:49Open all his cupboards
07:52Rumour is that Wayne Rooney's injury is progressing incredibly well
07:55But people forget, you know, he's like 90% monkey
08:00I'll tell you what I found interesting
08:02Posh and Bex have thrown this party for the World Cup
08:04And there you've got our hopeful dancing
08:07And everybody's going, no, because he's the hope to go and win the World Cup
08:10And it was the okie-cokie as well
08:13He kept it in for the left-legged bit
08:18The thing is, you say that, but apparently he's been in this oxygen tent
08:21But he doesn't like it because it leaves him feeling very clear-headed and lucid
08:26Thing is, all tents are full of oxygen, aren't they?
08:29All tents, yeah
08:31I don't go in a hermetically sealed vacuum
08:35I leave the flaps open, add a bit of air in
08:38That's all it was, he just went on a camping holiday
08:41Well, let's have a look and see whether the Beckhams World Cup party
08:44Is one of the most talked about things this week
08:46Yes, it was
08:49Yes, 47% of you have been talking about the Beckhams star-studded World Cup party
08:53Wayne Rooney was seen dancing despite breaking his fourth metatarsal
08:56If you're watching, Wayne, the fourth metatarsal is the one next to the toe
09:00That didn't have any roast beef
09:06OK, two more to go, fingers on buzzers
09:09It's got to be the home office thing, hasn't it?
09:11I mean, there's been so many things going wrong, haven't there?
09:14And the Home Secretary's never like...
09:16They're not admitting it's their problem
09:18They keep blaming the Home Secretary before them
09:20Going, well, that's what happens when you let David Blunkett do the filing
09:29There's a talk about an immigration minister said
09:31He didn't know how many illegal immigrants are in the country
09:34Yes, he said, I haven't got a clue
09:35Well, obviously, because they're illegal
09:39How are you going to find out?
09:40You're going to just go into a room and go
09:41Would all the illegal immigrants stand over there?
09:45Right, there's none in here, Sarge
09:48OK, let's have a look and see if the series of Home Office blunders
09:51Are one of the top five talking points this week
09:55Yes, indeed
09:57Yes, the number one talking point this week
09:59Has been a series of Home Office blunders
10:01The new Home Secretary, John Reid, has launched a five-week knife amnesty
10:05My advice is, don't hand it in like this
10:10OK, one more to guess, fingers on buzzers
10:13We sort of think it might be the Eurovision Song Contest
10:15Because it's not really political, no, it just means nothing, does it?
10:18They just vote for each other, don't they?
10:20Did you see the band that won?
10:21I've got a still of Lordi
10:24See, underneath their masks, it's the Norlands
10:29I wasn't even watching Eurovision
10:31I was channel-opping and I clicked on it
10:34And I thought, Leah's family from Big Brother had got a karaoke machine
10:39I think what Dave said about the political thing
10:42Terry Wogan was going on about that
10:43He was saying the Balkan states all vote for each other
10:45And it's all political now
10:46But I don't understand that
10:48Are you really saying, right, that if Serbia are about to invade Croatia again
10:52And their armies are massed on the borders
10:54Someone's going to go, no, hold on a minute
10:56They gave Boo Banga Bing Bong 12 points
11:00Lay down your arms
11:01Oh, we gave Turkey 2 points
11:03But they gave us bird flu
11:05So, do you know what I mean?
11:08Those guys, they haven't said that they wear masks
11:12Because a lot of people have worn masks and got very successful
11:14Like Kiss and Slipknot and Mick Hucknall
11:18He had a fat suit as well
11:21But I thought maybe they didn't wear masks, they're finished
11:23Maybe they left the sauna on full
11:26Let's have a look and see whether the Eurovision Song Contest was up there
11:30Yes, it was
11:32The Eurovision Song Contest reaches a potential audience of 1 billion people
11:36But an actual audience of 28 gay guys
11:40All dressed as different countries, this is fabulous
11:46Well, at the end of that round I can tell you that Sean, David and Ruth have 2 points
11:49Dave, Ulrika and Alan have 3 points
11:55The next round is called the poll with a hole
11:57We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present, from around the world
11:59And unearthed some fascinating facts
12:01Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information
12:04So it's up to the panellists to fill in the gaps
12:06Here's your first question
12:0772% of women base everyday decisions on what?
12:10Alcohol
12:13Always, it works for me
12:15You've made some great decisions
12:19Yes
12:2372% of women base everyday decisions on whatever pops in their pretty little heads
12:30Come on Ruth, how do you base your decisions?
12:32I'd say the mood of the day
12:33Wish you were in a mood when you came up with that murder mystery thing
12:36Cos that was shit
12:40It's something that ladies do while they sleep
12:42Dreams
12:43Yes, 72% of women base everyday decisions on their dreams
12:49OK, here's your next one
12:5090% of Brits say the high street is overrun by what?
12:53Is it those people, like you're walking along, you feel really good
12:56Excuse me, have you had an accident?
12:58And you're like, no, I always look like this
13:02Is it all people?
13:04Market day in Charlottes is like Cocoon
13:08Why do they give them a heating allowance they're never in?
13:14Is it dog shit and Caffe Nero?
13:16Starbucks
13:17It's retail related
13:19Is it boots?
13:21I love boots
13:22I always say that, boots!
13:24I say boot, well I say you write it that big, I'll say it that big
13:28Is this boots?
13:30I say look, you have to say the customers, you know what I mean?
13:32Make it smaller, I'll say it smaller, come on
13:34Chain stores
13:35Correct
13:39OK, 75% of duck hunters say duck hunting is what?
13:42Something they have to say very carefully
13:48It's dogging with a gun
13:50What do you think about it?
13:51You're foraging around in the bush and then the police are there
13:53What do you say? I was hunting ducks
13:56It's very easy to hunt ducks in this country
13:58because if you think, most of them are fed on bread, aren't they?
14:01So they're all heavily constipated
14:03There's a duck in my local park, honestly, he's like a space hopper
14:07He's just a bit of grease, like that, and he's just more, he's like
14:10We can't get over to Duck Island, do you know where they live?
14:13In the middle of the pond, they live on Duck Island
14:15Is that what he's called?
14:16He lives on Duck Island
14:17All the ducks
14:18It's a fairy tale
14:19No, every park has got a pond, doesn't it?
14:21And there's an island in the middle of it where all the ducks live
14:23and the humans aren't allowed there
14:25We handed it over to the ducks in about 1826
14:28and the ducks have all their own laws, they can hang ducks there and everything
14:32Have you ever had a real good look in the Duck Island?
14:36It's disgusting what goes on there
14:39They're like animals
14:40Yeah
14:41A lot of ducks are heavily constipated
14:43That's not exactly what I have on the card
14:45Oh, really?
14:46It's about how the ducks might feel
14:48Oh, is painless? Is not cruel?
14:51I'm going to give you that, that is near enough
14:5775% of duck hunters say duck hunting is not stressful for ducks
15:01I don't know how duck hunters sleep at night
15:03Oh, hang on, I do
15:04On lovely downy pillows
15:06So, at the end of that round, I can tell you it's 5 points for Sean's team and 5 points for Dave's team
15:12Join me after the break and we'll find out who laughs more, men or women
15:21The next round is called Believe It or Not
15:23In this round, I'll give the panellists a simple statement
15:25and all they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false
15:28Sean, David and Ruth, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic
15:31You can also do a laughing yoga, laughing exercise for the heart and mind
15:37What you can do, just laugh, very easy, don't feel shy
15:41Laughing Yoga, Laughing exercise for the heart and mind
15:44What you can do, just laugh, very easy, don't feel shy
16:04I am happy, I am relaxed
16:05I am happy, I am relaxed
16:09Boo-hoo-boo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
16:12That was Guru Yogi Ramesh and his own unique brand of yoga.
16:16Here's your related statistic.
16:17The average woman laughs a hundred times a day.
16:20The average man laughs only fifty times a day.
16:22What do you think? Is that true or false?
16:23I think the average woman is laughing maybe twice as much since the latest divorce settlement laws, yes.
16:29I think that could be quite true.
16:30Let's hope so, because I'm going through a divorce.
16:32You're going through a divorce?
16:33I am.
16:33Has he got lots of money?
16:35No.
16:35Are you laughing more since you got divorced or less?
16:38I'm laughing twice as much.
16:40Who's got the money? Him or you?
16:42Hang on.
16:43No, I'm going through one too.
16:44Calm down.
16:44Are you having one as well?
16:46I'm nearly through.
16:48Which one's that with?
16:50I don't know.
16:52Oh, you two just go.
16:56Those are really catty, loose women.
17:00Bruce, I'm going to tell you a real thing that they missed out on this poll program.
17:04It was a real poll. It was in the UK Jewish News, right?
17:08And I was voted the sixth most sexy Jew in the world, right?
17:13Number five was Alan fucking Sugar.
17:18The man who looks like a crumpled tea bag.
17:20Okay, Ruth, if you had to choose between Alan Sugar and David Baddiel, who would you go with?
17:25Alan Sugar.
17:25You're fucking fired.
17:32The average woman laughs 100 times a day.
17:34How do you measure a laugh? 100 times a day is a lot, isn't it?
17:37It could be one laugh.
17:38What is one laugh? Is that...
17:40Or if I go...
17:48Does that count as one or seven?
17:50You can do quite a deep laugh, can't you, Alan?
17:54That's what he uses in dark clubs.
17:56Oh my God, it's you!
18:04What do you think? True or false?
18:05I'd say that's true.
18:06I think it's not true. Ruth thinks it's true, so Sean, you've got the casting vote.
18:09False. It's false.
18:10Absolute... It's not just false, it's poppycock.
18:13It's absolute Tommy Rot.
18:15You're absolutely right, it is false.
18:21Yes, it is false. Women laugh 55 times a day.
18:24Men have a baser sense of humour, so they laugh more.
18:27On average, 69 times a day.
18:2969.
18:32David, Ulrika and Alan, let's have a look at the clip to illustrate your statistic.
18:36MUSIC
18:44Polish a floor and put a rug on it.
18:47You might as well set a man trap.
18:51Why don't you put the kettle on?
18:56And to think he'd only just come from the hospital.
19:01A public information film there highlighting the dangers of cleaning your house.
19:06Here's your related statistic.
19:07Every year, more people injure themselves with vegetables than with chainsaws.
19:12If you put one of these parties that have vegetable-based party games,
19:16Halloween, mate of mine, third-degree burns to his face bobbing for chips.
19:23If he was a little wire basket, Ben, he'd been down as far as the basket.
19:26Come on, Billy!
19:29Who are you? Who are you?
19:32Can't sell too many blisters, mate. No idea.
19:35I mean, chainsaws, they are quite...
19:37You can imagine people injuring themselves, they're quite menacing.
19:40Like, you wouldn't get Eminem coming on stage, would you, with a marrow?
19:44I hate me wife, the bits.
19:47Mofo, you know.
19:50Looks like he's really here.
19:52Yes.
19:53Now, what do you reckon?
19:55If you're stupid enough to injure yourself with a vegetable,
19:57chances are they're not going to trust you with a chainsaw, anyway.
20:01This is definitely true. This is definitely true.
20:04I've put a whole pound on it, whole jets on it.
20:07I'd say it's true. You'd say it's true?
20:09You're not asking them, you're asking us.
20:11I know, I'm just checking in with Badger.
20:14They've got to be true. It's got to be true.
20:16Well, I can tell you that the answer is true. Yes.
20:22Yes, every year, 14,000 Brits injure themselves with vegetables
20:26compared to just 1,200 who injure themselves with chainsaws.
20:29So, at the end of that round, I can tell you that it's six points for Sean's team
20:31and six points for Dave's team.
20:34And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:38I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls
20:40and it's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
20:43Here is your first one. Top thing men look for in a pub.
20:46I think the top thing I look for in a pub is a door.
20:51I always want to first hear, how do I get in?
20:55And then, I would like a fine selection of organic wines
20:58and world music on the jukebox.
21:01Stop it, you.
21:04Ruth, what do you look for in a pub?
21:06Normally, the bar.
21:09It is drink-related.
21:11A good selection of lagers, beers.
21:13Oh, doubles. Doubles off there.
21:15Happy hour, happy hour.
21:17Happy hour is the right answer.
21:19Yes, come on.
21:21Yes, the top thing men look for in a pub is happy hour.
21:24Most unlucky thing that can happen to you.
21:27Is it leaving war-torn Bathra, having sex with a minging immigration officer
21:33in Nottingham.
21:41That is significantly worse than what I've got down here,
21:44but you've got to remember this is a survey by Direct Line.
21:46The unluckiest thing I've ever heard happen to anybody.
21:48Do you ever hear this story about, this is a true story,
21:50Fabio, the male model, have you ever heard of Fabio?
21:52He was this male model, lived in Hollywood,
21:54and he was on loads of posters in the 80s, thick hair.
21:56This is a true story, he was on a roller coaster
21:58at Disney World, and he was hit in the face with a goose.
22:03A goose, he's going on this roller coaster,
22:05he's one of the best looking men in the world,
22:07and a goose hits him in the face, and ruined his career.
22:09Smashed all his face to smithereens.
22:11Unlucky for him, what about the goose?
22:13The goose got in the papers. Most geese don't get in the papers.
22:15On a similar note, a completely true story,
22:17Aristotle, the great thinker,
22:19he died, Aristotle,
22:21when a hawk or an eagle was carrying a tortoise
22:23that he had taken from the ground for food.
22:25It dropped the tortoise, it fell 10,000 feet,
22:27and hit Aristotle on the head.
22:29Which means that one of the most cleverest men in the world
22:32in that flash of insight,
22:34just before he died,
22:36thought, I've just been hit on the head by a fucking tortoise.
22:38That's his last thought, a great man.
22:40Yeah.
22:42Probably thought, tortoises are heavy.
22:44Let's write that down.
22:48It's to do with kind of homes and, you know,
22:50something that might happen in your home.
22:52Is it your house being flooded?
22:54It's to do with flooding, but something else as well.
22:56You've just decorated, you've just painted.
22:58That's the right answer, yeah.
23:00Yes, according to this survey from Direct Line,
23:02the most unlucky thing that can happen to you
23:04is your house flooding after you've decorated it,
23:06unless you've decorated it
23:08in the style of a fantasy mermaid kingdom,
23:10in which case it's the icing on the cake.
23:14Well, that noise tells me it's the end of the round
23:16and the end of the game,
23:18which means the final scores are
23:20Sean, David and Ruth have six points,
23:22but Dave, Ulrika and Alan have nine points.
23:24They're the winners.
23:26Thanks to our panellists,
23:28our wonderful studio audience,
23:30and to all of you for watching at home.
23:32That's it from us. Good night. See you next week.