Frasier Season 3 Episode 3 Martin Does It Hi S Way
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00:00Well, we have time for one more caller. Ross? We have Ed on line three. Hello Ed, I'm
00:09listening. Ed? Ed? Well, we seem to have lost Ed. Let's take another caller on line
00:23four. We have Ross? Ross? We have Eileen. Eileen? Hello Eileen, I'm listening. Dr. Crane,
00:51I've been very happily married for twenty years and I wouldn't dream of cheating, but
00:57lately when we're making love I find myself fantasizing about people other than my husband.
01:05Well, that's perfectly normal. It's quite alright to spice up one's love life by imagining
01:12a tryst with a sports figure or a movie star. Or a radio psychiatrist.
01:21Excuse me? Oh, it's your voice, Dr. Crane. You must have the most sensuous voice on earth.
01:30Oh, I don't know, Eileen. I've never seen your picture. Would you mind describing yourself?
01:39Well, I don't really think that's appropriate. I'll do it. Ross, I don't think...
01:45He's about 6'1", with a granite jaw, the broad shoulders of a marine. He's been wearing
01:52his hair short lately, but that only accentuates his cobalt blue eyes, his chiseled cheekbones,
02:01and his full, provocative lips. Oh, wow. Thanks, Ross. And thank you, Dr. Crane. I will be
02:12thinking of you tonight, with any luck, twice.
02:23Well, this is Dr. Frasier Crane feeling a little red in his chiseled cheeks. Till tomorrow
02:32evening, this is KACL 780 AM. Well, Ross, it was quite a flattering description. Just
02:44out of curiosity, is it? You're just helping that lady with her fantasy, or do you really
02:50see me that way? You really don't know, do you?
02:55Frasier, I am so attracted to you. I always have been. Your looks, your voice. You don't
03:09know how many times I've wanted to strip naked and hurl myself at that glass partition like
03:15a bug on a winch. Are you through? Well, ask a stupid question.
03:29All right, Ross, I will see you tomorrow. Hey, aren't you going to go to the staff meeting?
03:33No, no, no. Just tell them my aunt died. I'm off to her lawyer's now. She put me in charge
03:39of her memorial. Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, don't be. She was a dreadful old harpy.
03:45Had everyone's life around her miserable. That should look nice on her headstone. Well,
03:50I don't mean any disrespect, but, you know, the entire time I knew her, she never said
03:55anything to me that wasn't scornful, derisive, or contemptuous. So how come she made you
04:00in charge of her memorial? I was her favorite.
04:13Evening, all. Hey. Hello. Dad, I thought we had an agreement. Eddie doesn't roll around
04:22on my sofa, and I don't throw him in front of a bus. Hello, Daphne. Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
04:32Will you be joining us for dinner? If it's not too much trouble, it's Meryl's night to
04:36host her book club, and they're more comfortable not having a man there. Yes, apparently Niles
04:41makes the ladies self-conscious. Yes, well, I sat in on the last discussion, and Mrs.
04:46Mr. Brooke-Kindred developed a facial tick every time she had to say the word Balzac.
04:55So how did it go with Aunt Louisa's lawyer? Did you get the old bat's affairs all straightened
05:00out? Ask her yourself.
05:10Early was Aunt Louisa's wish that Niles dispose of her ashes. Now the pressure's on me to
05:15find the perfect place for her to rest for eternity, having the faintest idea of what
05:19to do with her. Why don't you just flush her down the toilet? Mr. Crane, you can't do that.
05:25Why not? She loved the water. Oh, oh, that's it, the beach. No, no, she hated seagulls.
05:34And vice versa. Oh, oh, oh, no. It doesn't matter where I pick, you know it's not going
05:48to be good enough. Whatever I did, she always found fault. Remember when I used to mow her
05:54lawn? Yes. How about the Christmas tree I bought her? The ashtray I made at camp. Is
06:01that the best you can do? It wobbles. I wish I had that ashtray now. So when's the memorial
06:17service? Just two weeks after tomorrow. Lucky, lucky me, her last request was that I deliver
06:24the eulogy. Oh, come on now, you can handle it. You just stand up there and say a few
06:29nice things. There aren't any. Then make some more. Everyone lies a little in a eulogy.
06:34No, Daphne, I refuse to invent virtues the woman didn't have. Just have to find something
06:40good I can honestly say about her. Good luck. She was nothing but a crabby, tight-fisted
06:48old pain. All she ever did was sit around that house day after day watching TV. She
06:57even kept that same old cruddy furniture all her life. What? Oh, remember how she always
07:13used to complain about the winters? Oh, yeah. Every year she was going to take a trip to
07:18the South Pacific. That was her big dream. Would she spend the money? No. She just sat
07:24around whining all the time about how she'd like to be in a warmer climate. My guess is
07:30she finally made it. I think it would be terribly sad to go through life having a secret dream
07:46and never fulfilling it. You'd never do anything silly like that, would you, Mr. Crane? What
07:53are you talking about? Oh, I don't know. Perhaps a little something involving a certain shoebox
08:00you keep hidden. Shoebox? Forget it. It's not important. Well, fine. If you don't want
08:06to talk about it, don't talk about it. It's only something you've given over 30 years
08:12of your life to. Hey, I didn't tell you that so you go around blabbing it to everyone.
08:16Well, tell us, Dad. What's in the shoebox? What then? All right. Well, wait a minute.
08:20You can't say nothing for 30 years in a shoebox. All right. It's just some songs I wrote for
08:33Frank Sinatra. And he keeps them in a shoebox? I think your work here is dumb. Dad? Well,
08:45your mother and I used to listen to Sinatra all the time. I knew most of his songs by
08:51heart. I guess I got it into my head one day to try to write a song myself. I'd be at the
09:00station house or at a stakeout and get an idea and pretty soon I had a shoebox full.
09:11I used to imagine your mother and I going to see Frank at the Sands in Vegas and he'd open the
09:17show with one of my songs. Oh, gee, Dad. Why didn't you ever tell us about this? Because it's
09:24stupid. They were no good. Oh, no, I don't bother to ask because I'm not letting you see them.
09:31Here they are. Just like I told you in a shoebox. They're quite good if you ask me. You are the
09:38song my soul would sing. Very poetic. You make my heart go ring-a-ding-a-ding. That was during
09:48Frank's ring-a-ding period. Lord, this shoebox is full of them. I didn't mean to hurt her. She
09:57made me lose my mind. Hey, let me see that. No, that's just some confession I took from a guy.
10:05The lyrics are on the back. Anyway, I never finished them. They weren't any good. Well, except
10:15this one. I got to admit, this has got Frank Sinatra written all over it. She's such a groovy lady.
10:24She still has that nice contemporary sound. So why don't you send it to old Blue Eyes? Oh, why?
10:33Just words scribbled on a piece of paper. The tune's in my head. I don't know how to write it down.
10:40Well, Miles and I do. You've got the tune in your head. Why don't you let us write it down? We can
10:47finish this dream tonight. It's just a dumb idea. Come on, Dad. It's not a dumb idea. Oh, you're
10:53wasting your breath trying to convince him to do something. Dad, come on. No, come on, now drop it.
11:00Yeah, I guess you're probably right. You just sit there, night after night, watching TV. Till the time
11:08finally comes when we collect your ashes and scatter them over that chair where they'll probably go
11:12unnoticed. All right. You mean it? All right. All right. This is exciting. I get the piano. No, no,
11:29no. I get the piano. No, no, no. All right. All right. Okay. Now, boys, the way I'm hearing the intro,
11:38it goes something like this. Bobbity, bobbity, blah, blah, scoobity, doo, doo, blah. Of course, it is your piano.
11:58You may want this. No, no, no, no, no. It goes groovy lady of mine and bobbity, bop, bop, bop.
12:21Come on. This is the big finish. Bobbity, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, b
12:51Let's hear the chorus one more time. Okay.
13:02She's such a groovy lady. She makes my heart go hidey-hadey.
13:10She is the chick I spend my nights dreaming of.
13:17Dad, I don't mean to criticize, but, you know, that hidey-hadey, it sounds like Cab Calloway sung backwards.
13:28You got any better suggestions?
13:30Yes, yes.
13:32She's like a wood all cool and shady.
13:37No, no.
13:39She makes the bravest cat go fraidy.
13:51I've got it. She could have slept with Warren Beatty.
14:00Very nice.
14:01No, the line's fine. It's my line. Okay, keep singing.
14:05Okay.
14:07Her lips are red as ruby. She makes my heart go scooby-dooby.
14:15She is the broad who makes me cuckoo with love.
14:23You know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't mean to quibble, but it seems like your heart is always going either hidey-hadey, ringy-dingy, or scooby-dooby.
14:34Look, I don't mean another critic.
14:37Right. Perhaps a cardiologist.
14:43With all due respect, I think I'm a little more tuned in to what Frank likes, and this is pretty close to perfect the way it is.
14:51Well?
14:53How about that? Thirty years and I finally finished it.
14:59Congratulations, Dad.
15:02Thanks, guys.
15:04Yeah, first thing tomorrow, I'm mailing it to Frank's people.
15:10With a little help from Lady Luck, maybe they'll kick it upstairs to the chairman himself.
15:19She's such a groovy lady. She makes my heart go fraidy.
15:32Oh, geez. The service is in an hour. Aren't you finished with that eulogy yet?
15:42I can't even come up with the first line.
15:46Got out this old photo album, hoping one of her pictures might inspire me.
15:53How about this?
15:55We all loved Aunt Louise, even if the camera didn't.
16:03Dr. Crane, you've been agonizing over this for two weeks. Perhaps it's time to start bending the truth a little.
16:12No, I refuse to lie.
16:15I find it hard to believe there isn't one nice story you can tell about her.
16:21Maybe a cute little saying she'd use.
16:23I'm not sure that stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about would qualify.
16:30Where are you off to?
16:32Just gonna go check the mail.
16:37I wish they'd just give him an answer about that song.
16:41He must have made a hundred trips to the mailbox during the past two weeks.
16:48Lord bless you, dear. Are you sure you're up to coming to the memorial?
16:52Oh, it's just a little cold.
16:57Besides, in my family, when there was a funeral, everybody went.
17:02I remember when Grammy Moon passed on.
17:05My brothers had been off on a three-day bender. They couldn't even stand up.
17:09They were all pissed as newts, but they crawled to that funeral on their hands and knees.
17:17Very commendable.
17:21Yeah, well, they had an obligation. They were the pallbearers.
17:28Hello, Daphne.
17:29Hello.
17:30Oh, dear Lord, Niles, don't tell me you haven't disposed of those ashes yet.
17:33Frazier, I have taken them to a dozen locations.
17:36A bosky glade, a murmuring brook, a moonlit pond.
17:39None of them felt right. What am I going to do with her?
17:43Well, winter's coming. The sidewalks are always slippery.
17:50I'm having the same problem with the eulogy.
17:52Oh, remember when that photo was taken?
17:56The day Aunt Louise took me to Wilson's Meadow to fly a kite.
18:00It cost her 39 cents, and when it got stuck in a tree, she made me climb up after it.
18:05I fell out and broke my collarbone in two places.
18:09I think it's the only time I ever saw her laugh.
18:17Frazier, I think she might be happy there.
18:21Niles, you're right.
18:23And even if she's not, let's still do it.
18:27Any news about your song?
18:31Nah.
18:32Listen, we'd better get started.
18:34All right. Perhaps I'll have some inspiration on the way over in the car.
18:38Aunt Wilson's Meadow is on the way. We can stop and scatter the ashes.
18:41Fine.
18:42Well, this sounds like a family affair. Maybe I'll take my car and meet you there.
18:46All right, let's go.
18:47Wilson's Meadow is the perfect place.
18:50Aunt Louise, you have tormented me for two weeks, but finally I've shown you I can do something right.
18:57Oh, shut up.
19:15Here? Here? Yes. Yes. Perfect. Perfect.
19:19Here? Here? Yes. Yes. Perfect. Perfect.
19:26Something's rattling in here.
19:29Like some great grizzly maraca.
19:42Oh, what am I gonna say at this memorial?
19:46Don't ask me.
19:48You write lyrics, don't you?
19:50Yeah, right.
19:52I'll write this in an outro.
19:59Oh, look, Dad. It's a good song.
20:03I even caught myself singing it in the shower this morning.
20:08Just because you haven't heard anything yet doesn't mean...
20:15You have heard something.
20:17Yeah.
20:21This morning, they rejected it.
20:24Oh, I'm sorry, Dad.
20:26Oh, it's okay.
20:28That's what must get thousands of songs sent to you.
20:31What did I expect?
20:41Well, you know, at least you gave it your best shot.
20:44Yeah, I guess.
20:48I mean, sure, it would have been nice to hear it sung, but...
20:51Hey, I finished it.
20:53Finally.
20:55Yeah, I walked down that highway,
20:58climbed that mountain,
21:00and reached for the stars.
21:05Oh, sure, now I get hot.
21:12I can't open the damn urn.
21:14Oh, you are so helpless.
21:17For Pete's sake, give it to me, please.
21:20I make a blue suit.
21:45Wow, looks like Louise's whole rest home showed up.
21:50Must be liver and onion this day in the cafeteria.
21:55Apparently, when they heard Frasier Crane from the radio was speaking,
21:59the whole rest home turned down.
22:01They can't wait to hear what he has to say.
22:04Neither can he.
22:07He's huddled in the rectory still working on his first sentence.
22:14How did the scattering go?
22:16Were there any problems?
22:17No, nothing important.
22:32Dear friends, thank you all for coming today.
22:36I know how very deeply your friendship was treasured by Louise.
22:42We are privileged to have with us her favorite nephew,
22:46one of Seattle's most eloquent speakers, Dr. Frasier Crane.
22:52Dr. Crane has spent the last fortnight reflecting on what Louise meant to him.
23:00Dr. Crane?
23:07Well, well, well.
23:12What can I say about Aunt Louise?
23:17What can I say?
23:24Louise...
23:29touched us all.
23:32Yeah.
23:40In fact, she...
23:43touches us still.
23:55Aunt Louise...
23:58loved to teach us all lessons.
24:02You know, it's hard to picture her without hearing her saying,
24:08I'm going to teach you a lesson.
24:17One in particular comes to mind, though.
24:22By the very way she lived her own life,
24:25she taught us how important it is
24:29to pursue our dreams.
24:34Whether we succeed or fail,
24:37what really matters is that we tried.
24:42And as I say goodbye to Louise,
24:45a phrase comes to mind that was coined by my very own father.
24:50My father?
24:53She's such a groovy lady.
24:59I said, she's such a groovy lady.
25:10What a groovy lady!
25:14What a groovy lady!
25:17She's such a groovy lady.
25:21She makes my heart go hearty-hatey.
25:25She is what she is.
25:28I spend my nights dreaming of her.
25:33Her lips are green as can be.
25:37She makes my heart go zoomy-doomy.
25:41She makes me want to shout,
25:43I think you're so fine, so fine.
25:48She's the love of my dreams.
25:52She makes my heart stop breathing.
25:56That very groovy lady of mine, of mine.
26:03That ha-ha-ha-ha-groovy lady of mine.
26:09Oh, yeah.
26:11Oh, yeah.
26:14Oh, yeah.
26:18Yeah!
26:32Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling.
26:35Tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:39Quite stylish.
26:41And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:44Well, maybe.
26:46But I got you pegged.
26:48Ha-ha-ha-ha.
26:50But I don't know what to do
26:52with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:57They're calling again.
27:00Ahem!