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Short filmTranscript
00:30Porto shuttle bus les va a conectar a 2.30 a.m. mañana.
00:36Oh, that is lovely.
00:38You're very welcome.
00:41Another satisfied customer?
00:43Oh, yeah.
00:44Who else have you been rubbing with sun cream?
00:46Ah, that's for me to know and you to find out.
00:51It's a joke. Yeah.
00:53Like your dodgy claim for disability,
00:55that was for you to know and the DSS to find out,
00:57and they bloody did, didn't they?
00:58Yeah, well, it's all sorted now.
01:00Not a care in the world.
01:02Not a care in the world?
01:04We're up to our eyeballs in debt.
01:06We've got an eight-year-old with ADD
01:08and a 17-year-old with a nine-month-old baby.
01:10Yeah, well, that's the beauty of an holiday in the sun, isn't it?
01:13Forget all your cares and worries.
01:16It's like these two, black and white minstrels.
01:19Look at the state of them. They couldn't give a shit.
01:21Don't you go upsetting him today.
01:23Don't go upsetting him?
01:25He should have an argument in a phone box with no money, that one.
01:28Mind you, he has paid for this holiday.
01:30Oh, Christ, and don't we know about it?
01:32A bit of gratitude won't go amiss.
01:34He nearly died in that pool yesterday.
01:36And whose fault was that?
01:38Nobody told him to have a diving competition with Fatty Arbuckle.
01:44Anyway, it was me that gave him the kiss of life.
01:46I know. It's no wonder he looks so ill.
01:50Hiya, Mam.
01:52HE GROANS
01:54Hiya, Mel. How are you feeling?
01:56Lucky to be alive.
01:58Yeah.
01:59But I'd rather not talk about it, if it's all the same to you.
02:03We had a terrible night.
02:06Mag drove me a bath and I started having flashbacks.
02:09I think it was the sound of the water.
02:12But, to be honest, I'd rather not talk about it.
02:15Probably best if you don't.
02:17You on the old karaoke tonight, Mel?
02:20It's terrible when your old life flashes in front of you like that.
02:24I couldn't even see it properly cos I didn't have my glasses on.
02:28Still, I'd rather just forget about it, if it's all the same to you.
02:31Yeah, we could deal with that, no problem.
02:33Can I get you a drink, Mel?
02:35I can still feel the chlorine in the water ravaging me eyes.
02:38Oh, for fuck's sake!
02:44What's wrong with him?
02:47Oh, we knew you'd be back, the pair of you, didn't we, Jacqueline?
02:50Oh, yes.
02:52Well, actually, it's a belated honeymoon.
02:54Oh, lovely.
02:56Cos this is where you proposed, isn't it?
02:59Yes. We've returned to the scene of the crime.
03:02How romantic. Yeah.
03:04Plus £160 all-inclusive for a week.
03:06Costs more to stay at home.
03:08Oh, exactly.
03:09We've got a friend at our sauna, Big Donna.
03:13She's been banned from most of the all-you-can-eat restaurants in our area,
03:17haven't you?
03:18She's a big girl.
03:19But she comes to Benidorm
03:21and they just let her get on with it here, don't they?
03:24It's buffet heaven.
03:25She even got caught smuggling pancake rolls and her knickers from Mr Woo's.
03:29But they just gave her a doggy bag.
03:32It's as if we never left.
03:34No wonder he's crying.
03:35You're shaking him too much. You're gonna make him puke.
03:37Michael, I won't tell you again.
03:39He's giving me a headache.
03:40Well, go somewhere else, then.
03:41I want to stay with you.
03:42Well, then stop asking stupid questions.
03:45Why did you have a baby?
03:47What have I just said to you?
03:48Well, that's not a stupid question.
03:50Why did you have a baby?
03:52Because.
03:53Because.
03:54Because.
03:55Because.
03:56Because.
03:57Because.
03:58Because.
03:59Because.
04:00Because.
04:01Because.
04:02Because.
04:03Because.
04:04I just did.
04:05Do you think Nana and Mel will have a baby?
04:08No, I don't.
04:09Why not?
04:10Because they're too old.
04:14I wish they would have one.
04:16Why?
04:17Because then we'd have a brown baby.
04:19And an orange one as well.
04:25Oh, hello there.
04:28What's wrong with you?
04:30Can I pick him up?
04:31Yeah.
04:36Do you want to look after him tonight?
04:40Hello, my name's Kate.
04:41Hiya, do you want to look after him tonight?
04:43Do you really think it's wise to be asking someone you don't know to babysit for you?
04:47Well, I know who you are.
04:48You were here last year when our Michael dropped a log in the pool.
04:51Sorry.
04:54What's your baby's name?
04:55Coolio.
04:56What's your baby's name?
04:57Coolio.
04:59Coolio?
05:00After the rapper.
05:01Oh, I see.
05:04I don't think I know any of his songs.
05:06Gangster's Paradise.
05:09Sticky Fingers.
05:11Ugly Bitches.
05:13No.
05:18Hello.
05:19Hiya.
05:21Erm, just spoken to the hotel in Altea and they said they might be able to have us back tomorrow.
05:26So it looks like we're stuck here for a bit longer.
05:29Well, at least tonight.
05:31But I'm sure we can find something to do.
05:33Hiya.
05:49You alright, ma'am?
05:50On that scooter, we can find you another sunbed.
05:52I'm alright, honey.
05:54Got everything I need here.
05:57You alright, Mel?
06:00I'll survive.
06:02It'd be nice for Mel to use the wheelchair for a couple of days while he's not feeling too good.
06:08Thick as dum-dum are great balls of fire.
06:10You what?
06:11Karaoke for tonight.
06:12Here we are. Fill your boots.
06:15I might have a crack at Wuthering Heights.
06:17Yeah? I'll look forward to that.
06:19Hey, you and Tel should do a duet.
06:21What about, er, Ebony and Ivory?
06:24Why don't we have a nice night in together?
06:26You should be taking it easy.
06:28Well, with karaoke on the go, no danger.
06:31Here we are, Madge. This round's on me.
06:34I think you'll find the drinks are on Mel. It's all inclusive.
06:38A little change from 900 quid for this holiday, not a lot of much thanks for it.
06:42What's that you're talking about? Me saving your life yesterday?
06:44Oh, no, don't mention it.
06:46Cheers, Mel.
06:47Oh, you won't get any thanks out of that one.
06:49I just said thank you.
06:51I've never understood that selfish, ungrateful streak in my kids.
06:55I said thank you.
06:57When she was a child, she used to eat her sweets on the toilet
07:00so she didn't have to share them with anyone.
07:02Now, do you actually believe this stuff yourself, Mother,
07:05or do you just enjoy making it up as you go along?
07:08Hiya.
07:12What do you want?
07:14Just wanted to see if you were all right after yesterday.
07:16I'm fine, no thanks to you.
07:18I beg your pardon?
07:20You weren't, eh? If it hadn't been for you,
07:22I wouldn't have banged my head on the bottom of the pool.
07:24Well, how do you work that out?
07:26You've done enough damage.
07:28Why can't you leave the man in peace?
07:30Leave him in peace?
07:31It's idiots like you who get people killed.
07:34Are you calling an idiot, you dickhead?
07:37All right, ladies, that's enough.
07:39Dickhead? Dickhead?
07:42You can't talk to me like that. My father fell at Normandy.
07:45I don't care if you went to household for tits in school.
07:47I thought you were a dickhead.
07:48Can we just all calm down?
07:50Think yourself lucky you should be up for attempted murder.
07:53Fuck off!
07:54Right, that's it.
07:55Come here.
07:56Come on.
07:57Sit in your mooch.
07:58Go on.
07:59What are you doing? Sit there.
08:00Sit down.
08:01Come on.
08:02Come on.
08:03Get up.
08:04Get up.
08:05Get up.
08:06Get up.
08:07Get up.
08:08Get up.
08:09Get up.
08:10Get up.
08:11Get up.
08:12Get up.
08:13Break it up.
08:14Break it up now.
08:15You fat boys, you caused problems here before.
08:18I remember.
08:19Up.
08:20Yeah, yeah.
08:21Well, keep away from me, do you?
08:23Keep away!
08:24On your bike.
08:25And that goes for Touche Turtle in a wheelchair and all.
08:28Go.
08:29Go with your mummy.
08:30I'm going.
08:31Dickheads.
08:37Who the frick's Touche Turtle?
08:50Whoa!
08:55Martin, turn the television off.
08:57We can't have that on with a baby here.
08:59Why not?
09:00They might like it.
09:01Martin, please don't try to be funny.
09:03It's very tiring.
09:04And close the balcony door.
09:05There's a draft.
09:16That'll be the baby, then.
09:19That'll be the baby, then.
09:24Put some proper shoes on.
09:28Hello. Come in.
09:32Hiya. Right.
09:34He's got a bottle in the front pocket.
09:36If that runs out, there's some powdered stuff in the bag.
09:38He's got two dummies in the side zip pocket.
09:40If you drop them on the floor, put them in boiling water.
09:43If he cries, he's got a teething ring in the inside pocket.
09:46I shan't be too late.
09:47Wet wipes are in the bottom of the bag.
09:50Hiya.
09:52Right. OK.
09:54Anything else?
09:56No, that's it. Oh, and I think he might need changing.
09:59Thanks a lot. I'll see you later.
10:05Is it all right to open the balcony door again?
10:11HE HUMS
10:18HE HUMS
10:28How's your chicken, ma'am?
10:30A bit bland. Wish I'd gone for the beef curtains.
10:33Me...
10:35Beef medallions, ma'am. Do you mind?
10:37Beef curtains!
10:39You knew what she meant!
10:41Oh, Jesus! Who needs cabaret when you're up on the set there?
10:44You're up.
10:46Did you get him sorted?
10:47Yeah, they were dead tough to have him.
10:49Oh, lovely. It's only for a couple of hours, isn't it?
10:52Yeah. Where's Mel?
10:54He'll be here soon. He was getting changed.
10:57They smell like beef curtains, man.
10:59Will you pack it in?
11:01What are beef curtains?
11:03Now look what you've done.
11:08Oh, my God.
11:17Oh, my God.
11:19Everyone all right for drinks?
11:25Pop an orange, Max?
11:27Er... No.
11:29No, I'm fine, thank you.
11:33Back in a minute.
11:35Jesus, looks like we're getting cabaret after all.
11:39Well, hello, Saturday night fever.
11:42Is that the bloke that was wearing the thong yesterday?
11:45Yeah, he's quite a natty dresser.
11:47I've got a swimsuit with a thong.
11:49It's very summery, but it can ride up a bit, if you know what I mean.
11:56Er, excuse me, could you cancel my order for the blancmange?
12:00Er, excuse me, could you cancel my order for the blancmange?
12:11Listen to the countdown
12:13They're playing our song again
12:15I can't catch up, Jack
12:17Just want to hold my breath
12:19Music, music, how do I talk about
12:22Pop music
12:25He won't stop.
12:27Yes, I had noticed.
12:30Well, don't just stand there, do something.
12:54What on earth are you doing?
12:56I'm dancing.
12:58Why on earth do you think a nine-month-old baby would want...
13:03He likes it.
13:14Well, don't stop.
13:24Er...
13:27Jackabow! Pop music, jackabow!
13:30Pop music!
13:32What is he wearing?
13:35I suppose you could say he's made an effort.
13:38You should try it sometime.
13:40Not if I end up looking like that.
13:42Moonlight fusion, independent jackabow!
13:46Pop music, jackabow!
13:48Pop music!
13:50I mean, he's actually not a bad mover.
13:54Right.
13:56It might help us if you define the word bad.
13:59Pop music, jackabow!
14:01Pop music, jackabow!
14:03Pop music, jackabow!
14:05Pop music! Pop, pop, pop music!
14:09He's quite sexy, isn't he?
14:12Jackabow!
14:14I'm sorry, are we all looking at the same thing?
14:16Don't get me wrong.
14:18He's not conventionally attractive.
14:21But I have been known to go for some unusual types in my time.
14:28You don't say.
14:30Loud and clear!
14:41I'm getting tired. Can you take over?
14:44I can't do that.
14:46Of course you can. It's all in the hips.
14:52Yeah.
15:01Ready?
15:12It's no good, he likes it when you dance.
15:15Martin, what are you doing?
15:17Martin, don't pick him up.
15:19You're dancing.
15:23It's not your dancing.
15:26He likes you.
15:32Oh, Lord.
15:34Oh, no!
15:38CHEERING
15:52Nailed it!
15:55Nailed it!
16:00You're my oxygen!
16:03There you go, that's Geoff with pop music.
16:07Glockenspiel's on, we've got Mel singing Lonely Girl.
16:11Let's hear it for him, yeah!
16:24Thank you very much.
16:26I'd like to dedicate this to a very special lady
16:30who over the last few weeks has made me feel like a very special man.
16:49Hey there, lonely girl
16:54Lonely girl
16:58Let me make your broken heart like new
17:05Hey there, lonely girl
17:10Lonely girl
17:14Don't you know this lonely boy loves you?
17:22Ever since he broke your heart
17:27You seem so lost
17:31Each time you pass me
17:37Oh, I hope you take your hand
17:42And say don't cry
17:46I'll cast your tears away
17:52Hey there, lonely girl
17:57Lonely girl
18:00It's not natural.
18:02Well, at least it's in tune, sort of.
18:06I think his song might be a bit too tight.
18:08You don't think he put yours on by mistake, do you, Max?
18:11Lonely boy loves you
18:15I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted to apologise for my singing.
18:20I apologise for my son having a go at your husband today.
18:24Oh, he's not my husband. He's...
18:27He's just a friend.
18:29Well, an acquaintance, really.
18:31Hardly know him.
18:33Oh, right. I just didn't want him to spoil your holiday.
18:37No, don't be daft. It was just a misunderstanding.
18:40Well, he can get a bit out of control.
18:43When he was little, he had one of them leather crash helmets.
18:46You know, to stop him knotting the wall.
18:49But it don't fit him any more.
18:51Well, they grow so fast, don't they?
18:54Bye-bye.
18:56Lonely girl
19:00Don't you know this lonely boy loves you?
19:19APPLAUSE
19:28Just before I hand the mic back,
19:30there's a small announcement I'd like to make.
19:37As some of you know, yesterday I had an accident in the pool,
19:42which nearly took my life.
19:45It's times like this that make you realise
19:48that life is not a rehearsal.
19:51This is it.
19:53And, yes, I've made a success of my life.
19:56I've got five sunbed shops in Manchester.
19:59But I think it was Charles Manson who said,
20:02you're not living life to the full if you're living it alone.
20:08I know my late wife, Nerys,
20:11who died in a crazy paving accident in 1979...
20:15You are.
20:16..so it's down on me now, as I say,
20:19Madge Delilah Barron...
20:25..will you marry me?
20:27Fucking hell!
20:38Yes.
20:40Yes, I'll marry it.
20:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:08What are you doing, Mel? What are you doing, Mel?
21:11What are you doing?
21:13What are you doing, Mel?
21:15What are you doing?
21:24Come on!
21:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE