One Foot In The Grave S02 E06 - Timeless Time
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Short filmTranscript
00:00I
00:11Try counting something yes, I try counting my blessings
00:18Well that didn't take very long
00:23Bloody fitted sheets, they never stay put
00:27Look at this three times. I wiped my nose in this thing. He was a handkerchief. I
00:34Make the bed tomorrow. I use a staple gun
00:40Oh, I'm gonna stomachache now
00:44Whereabouts whereabouts in my left ear lobe?
00:49And I feel sick into the bargain
00:52Know what that is
00:54But that dodgy pasta we had at your mother's last night I
00:58Think we all knew her in for a voyage of adventure. She phoned up and told us to bring a decent pair of secateurs
01:06No, she doesn't speak a word of Italian working for that old magazine cutting with a list of ingredients
01:13Turned out of the cast list of the Godfather I
01:19Shut her to think what she must have put in it
01:22Parmesan cheese and a horse's head judging by the taste
01:28Spaghetti al Pacino
01:32Give you a brain a rest and then perhaps you might drift off
01:37Make your mind a complete black. I
01:42suppose
01:45I
01:50What's that film where when you go to sleep a man with spiky fingers comes through the wall and starts slashing your face
01:55it's a
01:57bridge too far
01:59Is it?
02:01No more recent than that Hardy Kruger
02:15You asleep
02:21You asleep
02:24Margaret
02:29Think I might buy one of those sweaters tomorrow that Noel Edmonds wears you do and I'll kill myself
02:36What was that
02:37Did you hear that what?
02:40That strange hooting sound probably mrs. Debbings down the corner
02:50No, it's that baby owl I told you about the other night sitting person the telephone wires look at him perched right over my car
02:57roof
02:59You just dare matey boy
03:03He's thinking about it. You can tell
03:05You keep staring at him you'll make him nervous, but why don't the spatter someone else's car? Why is it always mine?
03:13He is going to to look at him. He's getting into position is shifting himself around
03:19Any second now he's definitely going to death
03:35That's twice I've had to take that back now because it was too sensitive
03:40Can't tell me there isn't something wrong somewhere your car alarm set off by a bird dropping
03:47Well, that's their rations finished with anymore
03:51Toast I went to the dustbin
03:57What's this packet of Bisto doing in here what?
04:02Bisto doing in a medicine cabinet. How do I know what he's doing? I can't even see it
04:13Bring that garage in the morning that'll be the first job
04:17Why is nothing in life ever simple
04:20What is it? It makes that last?
04:22Teaspoon clean for dear life to the bottom of the washing-up bowl every night
04:27You pour the water away, even if you haven't used a bloody teaspoon. There's always one appears in somewhere
04:35Will you just go to sleep?
04:42Mysteries of the universe
04:47Time and space
04:51Life and death
04:55Make hope and I'll be keen never did hear any more about them
05:01Time
05:04When you think about it
05:06Nothing ever exists. In fact, I
05:09Was working this out in the post office as I was waiting for that woman to finish twanging her elastic bands
05:14The
05:17Future doesn't exist because it hasn't happened yet. The past doesn't exist because it's already over
05:22But the present doesn't exist because as soon as you start to think about it, it's already in the past
05:30Which doesn't exist anymore
05:33Like that moment just then when I said that that's already in the past gone forever
05:39And
05:42So is that and I just said gone forever
05:47And so is that when I said it says that that's gone forever now as well
05:55And so is that when I said that's gone forever now as well that's gone forever now as well
06:03Will you shut up
06:08Jabbering on they're all like a raven parrot
06:17Now I'm wide awake, thank you very much what time is it are we in the single European market yet?
06:29Quarter past three
06:39Finish this crossword like usually sends me off
06:45So an old friend of yours today came into the shop with a wilting hibiscus Charlie Maysfield. Oh
06:52Yes, I haven't seen him in ages how's he getting on he's fine he asked how I was no
07:03Well, not as such what do you mean not as such
07:09Well, he seemed to be under the impression you were dead
07:16In fact we had quite an argument about it
07:21He's absolutely convinced you died last year
07:24During Wimbledon fortnight. He said he remembers it was the same day. Jimmy Connors got knocked out. So he was doubly shocked. I
07:32Said no. No, I think you must be getting him mixed up with someone else, but he wouldn't have it
07:37You know people that age they get something into their head and it won't budge
07:43They said he distinctly remembered you'd asked to have your ashes scattered across the floor in allied carpets
07:51Get your own back
07:54To be honest, I think he's going a bit
07:58So in the end just to keep the peace I agreed with him I said now you come to mention it you're right
08:03He is dead
08:05He went off then happy as a sand boy. Oh
08:10And then talk about an afternoon for characters
08:13We had broad Maud come in just after lunch with all her latest problems broad Maud
08:19She the white always carries her own toilet seat about with her
08:23Tesco's carrier bag
08:25frightened stiff of public laboratories
08:28frightened stiff of everything
08:31Takes it all to heart everything. She reads in the papers and sees on the news
08:35Salmonella hysteria poisonous algae man-eating fungus that comes up through the drains
08:44She says she saw it on the news, but I reckon it was dr. Who I think they all start to blur in our mind
08:51in the end
08:52It was her late husband had that morbid fear of giant spiders
08:56Every time he had the cat flap go used to break out into a cold sweat
09:04Carrying your own toilet seat about everywhere
09:08Be a bit of a handicap
09:11What did you do is get two bags of shopping wear it round the neck
09:21That and I'm still wide awake
09:26No, I'll make a milky drink
09:30Do you want one? Oh, yes, I suppose so might as well try anything
09:40Put a drop of rum in it
09:52Perhaps if I read something that would help
09:59What have we got a
10:02Brief history of time or the autobiography of Reg Farney
10:09Bloody book clubs
10:19I know what I could do. I could open last year's Christmas present from Ronnie and Mildred
10:30To
10:35Dearest Victor just a little something to wish you a Merry Christmas and a prosperous 1990 from Ronnie and Mildred
10:42No, I'm not that bored yet
10:59I
11:04Still not straight
11:11That's got it that's straight
11:20For two nine one what yes, it is straight
11:29Where you're standing
11:32You can't see from right across the road I know hey, what are you doing up at this time? Oh, can't you?
11:41Yes, I'm sorry about that they're supposed to have fixed it but you know what it's like with garages
11:47Yes, yeah, yes, I hope you do too good night
11:52The
11:57Rest of that milk was off so I had to use powdered and we're out of rum
12:01Oh
12:20God this tastes revolting
12:25You know
12:27Came through the front door there's several Olympic pole vaulters supposed to swear by it
12:40Well that shampoo makes my hair all dry I won't use that again, which one's that
12:45It's another new one on the market that came through the front door as well
12:49I
12:52Just as well they don't have a sales push on for motorcycles
12:55Never Harley-davidson coming through the front door
12:58Moving is all to the ground when they came down for breakfast
13:03Man from the local pet shop was coming around this morning delivering free trial offer chihuahuas
13:10Hammering them through people's letterboxes with a large mallet
13:13I expect yoga does tomorrow
13:43Oh
13:45God my legs started twitching now
13:48Wonder when that was going to happen. It was shaking up, but like a Morris dancer
13:53I need to do is put a couple of bells in the end of it. Oh
13:57Can't stop it. It's always the same when my muscles get tense
14:02Ministry of silly walks
14:04Oh
14:10It's no laughing matter if you had to put up with it
14:15You don't take enough exercise, that's your problem
14:19Too much sitting around all day
14:23Sitting around fretting about everything under the Sun
14:27No wonder you end up all on edge
14:35I'm so much a sucker polo without crunching it
14:42Go right through the entire packet like a beaver in one of those old cartoons I
14:49Think if I stick it the air
14:53Stretch it and stop the trembling. Oh
14:59That's better
15:04Oh
15:34Oh
16:04I
16:20Don't work with that garbage tomorrow you see if I don't
16:24Leave your car over three days, and they do nothing probably using it to go about joyriding in
16:30Where I could smell seaweed from that air filter
16:34Victor
16:36You've got on your foot
16:42You've got your foot in a rotting hedge
16:50It came off I thought was a bit sucky
17:05Thing where do they come from?
17:18Come here
17:23Oh look you've got all these little needles stuck in your foot
17:28I
17:30Had it for one night market. I have straight. I was just getting off then as well. Just getting to sleep and dreaming
17:37Dreaming this really strange dream
17:40It emptied all the water out of Loch Ness to see if there was any monsters
17:45When the lake was completely empty there lying in the mud was this giant 60-foot long teaspoon
17:55I
17:56Think that's got the worst of it out. I should watch where you're treading the next time
18:08I'm not gonna get any sleep tonight of any kind. Why don't you just bring the lavatory in here?
18:16Go on like this you'll be as dehydrated as that hedgehog
18:22Remember what happened to the wicked witch of the West
18:26Oh
18:31Bloody night long I might as well have taken that job as a night watchman nearly did it behind me for the pittance ever offering
18:39The reckon you live on I was thinking the other day that I might apply for the job as a Duchess of York
18:46Seems to me a profession with a certain amount of security
18:50Don't get made redundant
18:52Miners steelworkers you can do without but you know that York will always need a Duchess
18:58To stop it grinding to a complete standstill
19:03One of the few certainties in life I could almost take my city in guilds and grinning
19:14Do you remember the first time we ever slept together?
19:17How could I forget?
19:20That bloody dripping tap that kept us awake half the night if you recall you hogged the bed
19:29Who did you did sleeping diagonally across the bed from corner to corner?
19:33I used to think it was romantic in those days having your right elbow up my nose
19:38Why don't you move me then because I wasn't sitting at the controls of a bulldozer at the time I?
19:45Did contemplate jabbing you in the backside with a hatpin, but I didn't want to wake that baby at number 43 I
19:51Wouldn't think twice about it today. Don't remember ever hogging the bed
19:56And you used to suck your thumb in your sleep
19:59When did I for the first three years we were married?
20:04Some nights you used to suck my thumb
20:07You never told me about this before talk about a late developer at the age of 26
20:12If you've ever wondered why you've got stumpy thumbs now, you know
20:17And used to cuddle the hot water bottle as well pretending. It was a teddy bear. We did nothing of the sort
20:24Remember it burst one night. That's because you kept pressing it in the middle trying to make it squeak
20:29Do we have to go on about this and I do not have stumpy thumbs
20:33Anyway
20:39You used to talk in your sleep you used to sing in your sleep
20:44Lying there just dozing off and what did I hear ladies and gentlemen the voice of David Whitfield and then three minutes of Cara Mia
20:52mine
20:54And if you'd had a lump of cheese for your supper, we used to get a selection from Eddie Calvert as well
21:00Cherry blossom pink being snored through a trumpet
21:04Look, can we just drop this subject now then please? You brought it up. Yes. I'm sorry I did
21:11Cherry blossom pink lady next door came around one night to ask if the cat had got his tail stuck in the mango
21:18I said can we drop it?
21:29Oh God there it is. Can you hear it a rattle of distant milk bottles?
21:37That's the beginning of the end now. I might as well get up and put the kettle on I
21:45Saw that advert again today by the Daily Mail because you can read it without getting ink in your fingers
21:54By that token you might as well have a cup of bleach for your breakfast because it doesn't stay in the teapot
21:59Some
22:01Papers these days. I don't know especially the one your mother reads. She says she likes it because it's conservative with a small C
22:08Yes, I believe Joseph Goebbels was a Nazi with a small n
22:15Can you imagine if the history books been written the same way as the newspapers are written
22:201215 King John signs the Magna Carta
22:231216 King John should have shaped the anchor when the wind blew up his cloak at Runnymede
22:28Sparking off rumors that he might be in a super new low-calorie diet
22:33Potty Pankhurst at it again the slaughter of the innocents no British babies believed to be involved
22:47I'm sorry. I
22:50Wasn't thinking
22:52Burfling on is usually the first thing that came into my head. You don't know what you're saying. I know I do it myself
23:00I was thinking about him just this morning finally now running into goodness outside the post office with Michael
23:08She had him just the four days before if you remember she was coming out of hospital just as I was going in
23:14He's still working for that insurance company they're talking about moving him to his own branch up north somewhere
23:22She'll miss him
23:25She never had any others
23:28He just bought his mom an ice cream and he was going to run her up the doctors
23:34It doesn't seem five minutes since it was the other way around I
23:41Always think of Stuart when I see him
23:44God is enormous now
23:47His eldest girl is just starting at the secondary
23:53I wonder what he would have gone into
23:56Wonder if he'd have gone into insurance not if I did my way
24:02You make so many plans for your life when you're young I
24:08Don't know what I imagined I'd be doing when I was 55
24:13Seemed like so far in the future it had never happened a
24:18Year was an eternity when you were a child
24:22The time between one Christmas and the next yes about two months now
24:29Draping tinsel over the Easter eggs before long
24:33Why can't they let you live your life at your own speed oh
24:40God I knew wouldn't belong before he started that bloody Sparrow
24:47What's he got me up so early for sure?
24:50One of these days I go to sneak up to his nest when he's asleep the Welsh male voice choir
24:57Three choruses of men of Harlech would have him laughing the other side of his
25:05Hardly worth coming to bed for the rest. I've had I mean, what's the point of it?
25:11Get in each night feeling as right as rain, but the time I got up. He'll feel absolutely terrible
25:15Pure ritual like life, I suppose
25:22What the point is in living doesn't seem to get you anywhere does it
25:29He seems happy enough and all he ever does is eat bits of burnt toast and a few worms
25:33He's still got plenty to sing about
25:36Yes
25:39Wonder what his secret is
25:41Wonder what his secret is perhaps it is his diet
25:54You won't be able to have porridge for your breakfast tomorrow. We're out of milk. I'll have powdered
26:04Well, I'll have something different
26:07I
26:11Think I might try worms and toast for a change
26:18We'll open a new can in the morning
26:24Yes, we always seem to