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Short filmTranscript
00:00That's the last time I go out photographing badgers.
00:16Sit down there and be quiet, and I'll make some cocoa.
00:18I seem to have spent half my life up at that hospital.
00:20Have they given me a season ticket to intensive care?
00:23And I didn't like the attitude of that girl at the desk on the way out either.
00:28Do you want all milk or half and half?
00:30Ask me when the next kamikaze mission was due.
00:33She nearly got that bottle of nail polish wedged right up her nose.
00:36I think we've had enough violence for one evening, Victor.
00:39And stop poking about at it. You'll make it worse.
00:44I can still smell it, you know.
00:46Smell what?
00:47I don't know, but it's worse when you stand by the sideboard.
00:50PHONE RINGS
00:52770301.
00:54Hello, Mum. I thought I told you to go to bed and stop worrying.
00:57Oh, no, he's fine. He's fine.
00:59I'm not fine. Why are you telling I'm fine?
01:02Well, he'd gone out for the evening, was what happened.
01:06Up to Bluebell Wood with that new camera he bought.
01:10I told you he bought himself a new camera.
01:13Last Wednesday. I told you.
01:15After he read that article about retired people taking up hobbies to relieve anxiety and stress.
01:20Yes.
01:22So, he bought himself a camera,
01:24went up Bluebell Wood to take a picture of the sunset
01:27and got mugged by soccer hooligans.
01:29Yes.
01:31Dixons, I think.
01:33It was Dixons you got it, wasn't it?
01:35Tell her I was sexually molested.
01:38He says to tell you he was sexually molested.
01:41I think he was joking, Mum.
01:43Well, he's got a few stitches.
01:46But it's not serious, fortunately.
01:49Not unless he develops a fatal brain haemorrhage within the next 48 hours, apparently.
01:54No, they didn't take anything.
01:56That's what's so aggravating.
01:58Just his watch, his wallet and his camera,
02:02his credit cards, his checkbook,
02:04his pen, his pen knife.
02:07Oh, and his brown tweed jacket.
02:10That's just what I said.
02:12But they still took it.
02:15Perhaps they wanted to lie in a dog basket or something.
02:18No.
02:20They've given him an injection to make him sleep, but so far...
02:23No, not to put him to sleep, Mum.
02:25That's euthanasia.
02:27Yes, I will. Yes, tomorrow.
02:29OK, night-night.
02:31There's a skin on yours.
02:35You're not going to start watching that this time of night.
02:38I want to watch Prisoner in Cell, block H.
02:41So much for that. Sedative they're supposed to have given you then.
02:44I know sedatives don't work and mean they're a complete waste of time.
02:47All the same, I reckon you could try and have an early night for once,
02:51just to give yourself the chance to...
03:05You'll soon be through those underpants again, I see.
03:08I know, Jean. It's a mystery to me how he does it.
03:11Look. He'll wear out a suit of armour.
03:14They don't seem to last five minutes on him, do they?
03:17Here. You may as well use them to wipe your hands on.
03:23Yes, thank you, ladies.
03:25I wonder if I could bring in the lady out the road walking her dog at this point.
03:28Excuse me, madam.
03:30We're asking everyone in the world what they think of Victor Meldrew's disturbing tendency
03:33to wear out a pair of Y-fronts in ten seconds flat.
03:36Yes, the Bishop of Durham.
03:39What's your point of view on this one, sir?
03:42I don't think he slept very well last night.
03:47I told you not to leave that side gate open.
03:49I mean, what is it with kids these days?
03:51They're not cracking your skull open with a tyre lever for pleasure and profit.
03:54They're vandalising your back wall
03:56and shoving bottles of urine through your letterbox.
03:59Shoving what?
04:01What you saw out in the doormat this morning.
04:03That was a free sample of Leucocene.
04:08For God's sake, Margaret, I just wish you'd learn to close doors behind you.
04:13You're right. I can definitely smell it.
04:16What do you think it is?
04:18I don't know, but it's worse when you stand by the sideboard.
04:21Well, don't stand by the bloody sideboard.
04:23Go home.
04:25You know he can't smell a thing, Jean.
04:28Not since that accident up his left nostril last summer.
04:31Ah, well, that was asking for trouble, wasn't it?
04:33You should never try and sniff a live wasp, Mr Meldrew.
04:37It's a well-known fact.
04:39I was not sniffing a live wasp.
04:41What do you think I am, some sort of village idiot?
04:43I was smelling a rhododendron.
04:45I didn't see the wasp and don't...
04:47Oh, God, here we go.
04:49That central heating again.
04:51It has even switched on.
04:53Mind your stitches.
04:55I'm in a plumber.
04:57It's probably just an airlock.
04:59And not that one with the glass eye.
05:02That lavatory's still a death trap to this day.
05:05Look, are you going down to the police station this morning or not?
05:08God knows why. I know what they'll say to me.
05:11We'll get someone to look into it.
05:13Excuse me, a masked gunman's just shot me 16 times up the bottom.
05:16Right, sir, we'll get someone to look into it.
05:18Starlin's Death Camp's PC perp right down there now, sir.
05:23What are you doing here? Come on, out!
05:25Shush! Shush!
05:28Have you tried him on a B5 supplement at all?
05:32They might catch the people who attacked you.
05:35You never can tell.
05:37Yes, and they'll probably holler at me
05:39and give me the Queen's Award for Industry.
05:41They seem to care much more about the criminals these days
05:44than the general public. Where are their priorities?
05:47Mrs. Althoff's scared to go out to her dustbin after six.
05:50There's a boy of 15 in here, broke into a mortuary in Clacton
05:53and cut someone's head off for a laugh.
05:57I read that this morning.
05:59What is it with these people?
06:01They only got a £100 fine for criminal damage.
06:03I mean, we never used to go about hacking people's heads off
06:06when we were their age.
06:08You voted SDP.
06:11What's that got to do with it?
06:13That's how she got in, isn't it? People like you.
06:17Maybe we should start some sort of neighbourhood watch
06:20for our own protection.
06:22Maybe I should call a special meeting of the residents.
06:25Charm!
06:30PHONE RINGS
06:34You can bring me in one of those fizzy oranges.
06:52Margaret?
06:54What's the matter?
06:56Did you put a cat in our freezer?
07:00What?
07:01The bottom of the freezer cabinet.
07:03There's a cat in it.
07:05What, a dead one?
07:07Well, there's not play with that bloody ball of wool.
07:11It's frozen solid wool in.
07:14Oh, my God!
07:19Oh!
07:21Oh, my God!
07:23I warned you not to go about leaving these doors open.
07:26You might know that something like this would happen.
07:29I've come over all cold.
07:31You've come over all cold?
07:33God almighty!
07:35Well, you're not going to take it out.
07:37I'm not going to leave it in there, am I?
07:40So its eyes light up every time you open the door?
07:46I think I feel sick.
07:49LAUGHTER
07:54Are you sure it's dead?
07:57Well, you'd think it was a pretty safe bed, wouldn't you?
08:01I mean, it's a bit parky in there at the best of times.
08:05How's it supposed to have kept warm?
08:07Rubbed two fish fingers together to start a fire?
08:11How long do you think it had been in there?
08:14I don't know. I'll look for its sell-by date.
08:19I mean, that's all I need. The end of a perfect day.
08:23Just as well we don't have a chest freezer.
08:25I might be standing here with a frozen mammoth.
08:30It's that stray.
08:32It's been sniffing round here for two or three days.
08:35I think it's pretty safe to say it won't be sniffing any more.
08:45I've gone right off those lean cuisines.
08:48LAUGHTER
08:52Tissues.
08:54Tissues, tissues, tissues, tissues.
08:57KNOCKING
09:00Tissues.
09:04Morning, Mrs Mildred.
09:06Mrs Burkett, I'm just off out, actually.
09:08Mrs Warboy said you might have some jumble for us.
09:11I forgot every word about it.
09:13Oh, well, I can come back this afternoon.
09:15No, no, listen, I've got most of it sorted out in the loft already.
09:19Why don't you just help yourself?
09:21You know how the step-dadder comes down,
09:23and Victor will be back any second. He's just gone out for his prescriptions.
09:26Well, if you're sure you can trust me.
09:28Oh, don't be daft.
09:30Well, these days, Mrs Mildred,
09:32we've had some money gone missing from the Institute, you know.
09:35Someone fiddled in the funds somewhere.
09:37Oh, it comes to something, doesn't it?
09:39I know. We've had to freeze the kitty and everything.
09:42What?
09:45I said we've had to freeze the kitty.
09:47Yes, well, I'll just leave you to it, shall I?
09:49And I'll see you later.
09:51Bye-bye.
10:05She's right. It is worse when you stand by the sideboard.
10:16CLATTERING
10:21Warning.
10:23May cause skin to turn dark red and flake off.
10:27May bleach dyed fabrics,
10:29avoid contact with mucous membranes,
10:33apply to back of neck with extreme caution.
10:36CLATTERING
10:41If vomiting occurs, discontinue use.
10:45Use only as a topical discriminative.
10:49Fine.
10:51What's in this one? Nasal spray containing mustard gas?
10:54CLATTERING
11:04Farmer?
11:06Yes, fine, come in.
11:08It's the, uh...
11:10Radiators keep clanking.
11:12Absolutely deafening.
11:14Can't hear yourself think.
11:17Well, of course, they've stopped now, obviously,
11:19but you never know when they're going to start again.
11:21Where's your pump?
11:23Upstairs, I think.
11:31Oh, bloody woman.
11:33How many times do I have to keep telling you?
11:40Ah, yes.
11:43CLATTERING
11:45No, it's just in here. There.
11:47Right.
11:54What am I supposed to do with this?
11:56Start a museum of Iron Age artefacts?
11:58I thought you said you... You thought?
12:02Right, then.
12:05Argh!
12:07Bloody hellfire, that's red hot, that tank.
12:09What have you been doing? Testing nuclear warheads, isn't there?
12:12Oh, God almighty!
12:14Look at that. That's burnt me all down there.
12:16Sorry about that. Do you want some ointment?
12:18No, no, no, I'm used to it.
12:20I'm bloody used to it.
12:22That's all right. I'll be all right in a minute.
12:24Perhaps we can get you some dressing?
12:26Don't tell him that. He'll come back with a bottle of vinaigrette.
12:29No, no, no, I'm fine.
12:31Fine. I'm bloody used to it.
12:35There. That's what I thought, you see.
12:37Your thermostat's knackered.
12:39You could fry an egg on that tank.
12:41Look at that. Look, look.
12:43Coming up in blisters.
12:45I mean, you must have known it was that bad, for God's sake.
12:48Well, no, actually, I'm not in the habit of crouching about in the airing cupboard
12:51dressed as Alec Guinness from Bridge in the River Kwai.
12:54I thought it was supposed to be hot. I thought that was the whole point.
12:57I'll have to order you a new one up.
12:59Take that lot back to the van.
13:01That's the big white thing on wheels parked outside.
13:05How long's that going to take to come through, then?
13:11Hello?
13:13Hello, down there?
13:15Hello?
13:17Somebody?
13:19Somebody down there, let me out.
13:25Mr Meldrew?
13:27Mr Meldrew?
13:29Under this door?
13:35Right, three days, fine, thanks.
13:37Will have to be, won't it?
13:39Oh, for God's sake, will you shut the hell up?
13:42Just shut up!
13:51I don't know if I stay this way this whole day.
14:04Margaret!
14:20Hello?
14:22Victor, where have you been? I've been ringing all day.
14:25I've had a basinful of this central heating, Margaret.
14:28The plumber came and can't do it till Monday at the earliest.
14:31Well, where have you been?
14:33The library, then down to the pub.
14:35Oh, then I went into town to get some earplugs.
14:37Then I went to see Beakwood George about this residence meeting.
14:40I've just got back. Where are you?
14:42I haven't been home at all yet.
14:44I'm at Mrs Burkett's.
14:46Well, that's just it.
14:48She hasn't come home.
14:50And now Mr Burkett's got one of his trembling fits coming on.
14:56Just leave it, Mr Burkett. I'll sweep it up later.
14:59Well, we don't know.
15:01Not since she left our place this morning.
15:03We've been in touch with the police and they say they'll get someone to look into it.
15:07Oh, dear, dear, that is a mystery.
15:10Sean!
15:12Did you hear that?
15:16Well, look, you'd better just stay with her till she gets back.
15:20No, I'm fine, fine.
15:22All right, then. Right, bye.
15:25Oh, for God's sake!
15:27Go on, clank away. See if I care.
15:51My goodness, what a night!
15:54What? Oh, hang on.
15:56Oh, hang on.
16:02Any joy?
16:04And now Mr Burkett's fretting that she's been abducted to grant sexual favours
16:08to various sultans of the United Arab Emirates.
16:11She always did live in a bit of a fantasy world.
16:14She must be somewhere.
16:16Did she say anything to you before she left yesterday?
16:19I didn't say anything of her. What time did she come round, Dad?
16:22I left her to go into the loft. That must have been about ten to ten.
16:26Which...
16:35Oh, God, Victor, no!
16:38What? You haven't!
16:41Haven't what, Margaret? Margaret?
16:53Mrs Burkett?
17:05Goodie, goodie, gumdrops.
17:23Well, how was I supposed to know?
17:26What am I supposed to do, carry out a daily inspection of the premises now?
17:30For batty old women and mummified tomcats?
17:33See what man or beast has just been accidentally snared in our house for all eternity?
17:37I mean, I'm not telepathic, I don't know X-ray eyes.
17:40I don't wonder people attack you with an iron bar sometimes.
17:45Right, everybody here now?
17:47Yeah, we had exactly the same thing with our thermostat.
17:50We emptied the whole tank through a rubber tube down the stairs,
17:53drained all the water off on the front lawn.
17:55Right, everybody.
17:57And we were fined 250 quid for illegal use of the hose pipe
18:00by a man watching the house from a helicopter.
18:03Right then, everybody, serious crime.
18:05Now, I think we're all only too well aware
18:07of how bad the problem's been coming around here just lately.
18:10Only this week, I myself was viciously attacked by a gang of youths
18:14and had to have urgent hospital treatment for a serious head wound.
18:19I've been saying that all week.
18:21What is it, then?
18:22I don't know, but you can definitely smell it.
18:24And yet you can't smell it by the window?
18:26No, I know you can't.
18:27It's worse when you're standing by the sideboard.
18:29Look, I can't smell anything here, Margaret.
18:31No, you can. You go over there.
18:33If you can't smell it over here, what's it getting over there for?
18:36Oh, I can smell it here now, all right.
18:38Well, go back over there, then.
18:39I wonder why you can't smell it here.
18:41No, as soon as you come through from the kitchen.
18:43Can you smell it, Mr Sanderson?
18:44This is where you smell it worse, when you stand by the sideboard.
18:46I'll see if you can smell it by the window.
18:47No, you can't smell it, not by the window.
18:49You can only smell it by the sideboard.
18:51Look, for Christ's sake, it's perfectly simple.
18:54Everyone just stay away from the bloody sideboard.
18:57Well, what's wrong with it?
18:58I don't know. I can't smell anything.
19:00Now, look. Now, look.
19:03I think we're all becoming increasingly worried
19:05about the behaviour of young people around here these days.
19:08Letter and muck everywhere.
19:10And if you try and tell them about it,
19:12they'd cheek you back and daub your house with obscenities.
19:15He's right. They're vandals, all of them.
19:17And sadistic with it too, some of them.
19:19That's right.
19:20Do you know what Megan and I found when we went up the tip yesterday?
19:23A dead cat that some monster had suffocated in a plastic bin liner
19:28and stuffed down inside one of the skids.
19:31They must be sick.
19:32Searching is too good for them.
19:36Yes, right.
19:38Yes, anyway, it's important that we take precautions.
19:43If, for example, we go out on our own after dark.
19:45Now, here you are.
19:46You see, this is the sort of thing I'm talking about.
19:48Oh, my goodness. He's got a gun.
19:50That's not loaded, is it, Mr Beldrew?
19:53That's a starting pistol, isn't it?
19:54It may be. What's that got to do with it?
19:56It's a starting pistol.
19:58It's in case he's attacked in an alleyway by Linford Christie.
20:04The point is, Mr Pratt, that it acts as a deterrent.
20:07It frightens off would-be assailants before they can do any damage.
20:10Anything you can arm yourselves with to show them that you mean business is all to the good.
20:15Now, the idea of the home watch patrol...
20:18Poor old Mr Melrose, next door to me.
20:21He can't get out of the house at all now.
20:23Not since he had those new locks fitted.
20:27The idea is that some of us...
20:29You ought to sue that security firm.
20:31I was telling him the other day through the letterbox.
20:33If you ring up and file a proper complaint...
20:35Will you shut up!
20:37Now, we can all just stick together.
20:40We can all just make an effort to just...
20:43To just try and just...
20:50What time does Emmerdale Farm start?
20:53I think it's just starting now, actually.
21:09Come on.
21:33How are we doing, the old cocks-barrow? Need any help at all?
21:35If I need any help, I'll call in A.S.C. Rescue.
21:38Right you are. If you do, just give me a shout.
21:41Oh, yes. That's a lovely fit, sir.
21:44Is it?
21:45Make to measure, sir.
21:46Like a red prat.
21:48From certain angles, sir.
21:49And I mean, it's got the nice little zip on the inside pocket, you see.
21:52Keep your wallet nice and secure.
21:54What else is there?
21:56This one, sir.
21:58Here you go.
22:01Perfect, sir.
22:02For you, perfect.
22:05Fits you like a glove.
22:07This one hasn't got a zip.
22:08Well, they only keep sticking, don't they? Bloody zips.
22:10I don't know.
22:12Looks a treat. Really does.
22:14Does it?
22:15And what about these trousers to go with it?
22:19Yes, sir, yes.
22:20Yes, I can see your reasoning.
22:21Very good choice, sir. Very good combination.
22:23I also thought I might stick this paper bag over my head.
22:26What do you reckon?
22:29You're a comical character, sir.
22:30You should be on at the Palladium.
22:31Shall I wrap these up for you, sir?
22:32You can dump them in the Thames with 500 tons of industrial effluent.
22:36I'm not buying them.
22:38I was looking for something in a brown tweed.
22:40I lost mine earlier in the week.
22:43Ah, that looks more the sort of thing.
22:46In fact, that's exactly the sort of thing.
22:51Where did you get this jacket?
22:53Er, that one, sir.
22:55I'm not sure I can remember where it was.
22:56Can't you? That's a pity.
22:58But I know exactly where it's going.
23:01Here.
23:02What the hell do you think you're doing?
23:03Take your hands off me, you scabby little octopus,
23:06or I'll be back with your knife.
23:19Morning, Mr Meldrew.
23:21You're looking awful today, even worse than usual.
23:24Yes, Mrs Warboys, it's a joy to be alive.
23:27I took your advice.
23:28I'm sorry?
23:29Protecting ourselves in the streets.
23:38Godfather, it's not to get dirt.
23:40Harold, my eldest, found it a few weeks ago when he was digging in the garden.
23:44I saw him start wagging his tail, and I thought, hello?
23:47Are you sure it's safe to...
23:49It's like you said. It's only for deterrence.
23:52I mean, it's not live or anything.
23:54Look.
23:55Toot!
23:56Look.
23:57Toot!
24:06Mrs Warboys, haven't they?
24:08What does that get there?
24:10You stupid, stupid, stupid woman!
24:14Now he's having a hard time.
24:17Didn't drop your hands off me, you bastard!
24:23I didn't say anything, but I had to leave him bloody jobs!
24:31Come back here, you bloody hobs, I'll kill the hell out of you!
24:34And that's not all.
24:35He keeps his old, mad woman locked up in the attic.
24:38What?
24:39He keeps his old, mad woman locked up in the attic.
24:42What?
24:43He keeps his old, mad woman locked up in the attic.
24:46No, nothing at all, Mum.
24:51It's amazing. It's completely and totally disappeared.
24:55No, I never did find out what it was, but it's gone now.
24:59What are you talking about?
25:01Mum, you can't...
25:09Do you believe me?
25:11Right, OK, yes, I'll talk to you tomorrow.
25:13Right, OK, yes, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye!
25:16They got away again.
25:17They won't get away next time I have a selection of
25:19armour-light rifles and surface-to-air missiles.
25:21Victor, you'll never guess what.
25:23Do you know what I just found out at that market?
25:25The police called round a minute ago.
25:27As large as life in one of those Claire stalls.
25:29They brought your jacket back.
25:30Just hanging there.
25:34Apparently, they were making a routine drugs raid
25:36on one of those tower-block flats,
25:38and that's where they found it.
25:40It's even still got your cheque-book inside.
25:49What's the matter?
25:51I think I've just carried out an armed robbery in broad daylight.
25:56Never mind. I'll put the kettle on.
26:10What the hell can I smell by this sideboard?