One Foot In The Grave S05 E03 - The Affair of the Hollow Lady
Transcript
00:30One hundred and ninety-two.
00:34What?
00:36Leaves in that lot.
00:41There was only one thousand five hundred and three when we came in.
00:47Don't talk such utter drivel.
00:49I'm telling you!
00:51It's artificial.
00:55Is it?
01:01Oh!
01:04How much longer is he going to keep us?
01:06My buttocks are turning into fossilised fuel.
01:12Of course, they're solicitors for you.
01:14The longer they keep each client up there, the more they can charge them.
01:17That's how they make their money.
01:19They'd break wind on the phone and send you a bill for it.
01:26I've a good mind just to pack it all in and go home.
01:30Yeah.
02:00LAUGHTER
02:30SIGHS
02:35Oh!
02:37Oh!
02:38What is it now?
02:39I've got one of my bits caught up.
02:43Right where it hurts, on the inside leg of my...
02:45Oh!
02:46Oh!
02:47There's agony when that happens.
02:48It just dropped out suddenly.
02:49And now the elastic's cutting it like...
02:53Like the string in a bacon dumpling.
02:57Do you have to make such an exhibition of yourself in a public place?
03:01It'll be fine in a second if I can just slide it back inside.
03:08Oh!
03:09That's good.
03:10Oh, that's got you, you little bugger.
03:14Can't you just be more careful how you sit down?
03:17Oh, yes, I'll put them in an egg box next time.
03:19That'll solve everything.
03:21It's one of those things, I'm afraid, as any man will tell you.
03:26LAUGHTER
03:49Damn it!
03:51Where it is!
03:56LAUGHTER
04:13I've got a spider in my place.
04:18Look at that, there he goes, just struggling to get in through the buttonhole.
04:23Are you sure he's not struggling to get out?
04:27There's nothing inside there that a spider wouldn't want to see.
04:31I expect he'd be at home among the cobwebs.
04:42Money spider, look.
04:56LAUGHTER
05:02You just can't do it.
05:05What?
05:06You can't stay settled for one minute.
05:09It's completely beyond you.
05:11I can settle, don't you worry about that.
05:14I can settle any time I want to.
05:17LAUGHTER
05:19No!
05:24For God's sake!
05:26LAUGHTER
05:29Why don't you go for the easy option
05:31and use a giant wrecking ball
05:34and have the entire building razed to the ground in seconds?
05:38What sort of table's that anyway that's not joined on to the legs?
05:41Everybody will ask you for trouble, that is.
05:56LAUGHTER
06:21Ai-yah!
06:26LAUGHTER
06:37LAUGHTER
06:49LAUGHTER
06:56LAUGHTER
07:05LAUGHTER
07:13LAUGHTER
07:23LAUGHTER
07:26Just sit down.
07:41BELL RINGS
07:53LAUGHTER
07:57Do you have to?
07:58See that, how much dust there is in these cushions.
08:01Look at that.
08:03I'll come over there to see how much dust there is in your ears in a minute.
08:06Now just give it a rest.
08:11I wonder when this place will look good spring clean.
08:14VE Day.
08:18Still, not much point in dusting when you think about it.
08:22Only just settles again everywhere five minutes later.
08:25All you're ever doing is rearranging it in actual fact.
08:28Do you know what dust is?
08:30Yes.
08:31Old bits of human skin.
08:33Mostly.
08:34Just millions and millions of bits of all the people
08:38who waited in this waiting room.
08:40I mean, no saying who this is in my finger now.
08:45Sir Stafford Cripps?
08:48Incredible to think that, isn't it?
08:51BELL RINGS
09:11Oh...
09:12Oh...
09:13I don't believe it!
09:15LAUGHTER
09:16Just spare a second.
09:19Spare a...
09:20Look at that! That bird nest in the window.
09:23What about it?
09:24It's on the inside.
09:30I've got it all over my nose.
09:33It's a ruddy death trap, this place.
09:37Oh...
09:39Oh...
09:40What is it?
09:41LAUGHTER
09:49Just hold still a minute.
09:51Just leave it, leave it.
09:53Will you?
09:55How did that get there in the name of sanity?
09:58Any insight, if you please? I just give up.
10:01I don't know.
10:02A pigeon maybe flew in when the window was open.
10:05Will you keep still?
10:10Now...
10:13Any more?
10:14You sure you haven't got horse manure or anything?
10:17It's worse than taking a child out for the day.
10:20I don't know why I do. It puts you on reins.
10:31Oi!
10:32You!
10:35Yes, you!
10:36Excuse me!
10:39Just a minute.
10:40It happens to be my bloody car.
10:42When you finish allowing your dog to urinate
10:45when you finish allowing your dog to urinate all down the side of it...
10:50Anyway...
10:51I think you...
10:52You wouldn't say I didn't need a wash anyway.
10:56Where are those kicks?
11:00Bark, bark.
11:01Bark!
11:02Get out of there, you little bastard!
11:05I'm a good man to have you prosecuted for willful damage to property.
11:09See what you have to say about that.
11:11You don't have to say anything until you've consulted a solicitor.
11:14Who the hell asked you?
11:15You keep your nose out of this.
11:17Is this gentleman subjecting you to unreasonable public harassment, sir?
11:23In which case, my advice to you would be to seek professional representation without delay.
11:28Oh, would it indeed?
11:29Well, I'll be getting on to my solicitor too when I see him,
11:32so don't you worry a dance-floor, matey.
11:36And you can stick your nose in a lawnmower.
11:44All finished now?
11:47Bloody naked vandalism in the streets.
11:49No one gives a damn, Eddie!
12:44LAUGHTER
13:15SHUSHING
13:19SNIFFING
13:24SHUSHING
13:28SNIFFING
13:38LAUGHTER
13:44SNIFFING
13:57SNIFFING
14:03SNIFFING
14:15LAUGHTER
14:19SNIFFING
14:25SNIFFING
14:27SNIFFING
14:29LAUGHTER
14:31Mr Fotherham?
14:37LAUGHTER
14:44LAUGHTER
14:56KNOCKING
15:00KNOCKING
15:02Listen to that. How thin these walls are.
15:05KNOCKING
15:06Must be where they divided up the original room.
15:08KNOCKING
15:09Listen to that. That's wafer thin.
15:11Yes! I can hear. Thank you.
15:13Lean back suddenly. Someone could bit their head right through that.
15:16I'll bear that in mind.
15:17KNOCKING
15:30Fish fingers have thawed out now.
15:32LAUGHTER
15:43CRUNCHING
15:47LAUGHTER
16:01CLEARS THROAT
16:14CLEARS THROAT
16:16I can never look at one of these without thinking about...
16:18I know what you're going to say, so don't say it.
16:25I was just going to say about Mr...
16:27I know!
16:31About Mr Dibley, who lived down in Wingate Crescent.
16:35The top of the whole street, that was.
16:38Do you remember when his wife came back that day
16:41and found he'd stuck one of these little...
16:43Yes!
16:46Don't think I want to be reminded of the sordid details, thank you.
16:52Things people do for pleasure.
16:56Never forget the look on his face
16:58when they carried him out of the ambulance.
17:02As if he'd just been hypnotised.
17:05Gave a whole new meaning to the phrase
17:07putting a light bulb in.
17:11LAUGHTER
17:38LAUGHTER
17:42LAUGHTER
18:04LAUGHTER
18:11LAUGHTER
18:14LAUGHTER
18:18LAUGHTER
18:41LAUGHTER
18:55LAUGHTER
19:01COUGHS
19:05LAUGHTER
19:11COUGHS
19:21LAUGHTER
19:25COUGHS
19:32LAUGHTER
19:41LAUGHTER
19:46LAUGHTER
20:05Do you want to go? It's quite keen.
20:07LAUGHTER
20:11LAUGHTER
20:18Oh, sorry to have kept you both.
20:20Oh, thank you.
20:22LAUGHTER
20:24COUGHS
20:42Oh.
20:51Well, that's a relief, I'm still alive.
20:54LAUGHTER
20:56Hanging on by a thread.
20:58Why is it that everyone else who comes in here
21:00only has to wait for ten seconds, then they're in?
21:03Not us.
21:05We'd be surprised if he isn't up there any more.
21:08Probably left half an hour ago
21:10to go and play golf with various chief constables.
21:13Like that time I sat all afternoon
21:15waiting to see a throat specialist
21:17and found out he was at a cocktail party in Bury St Edmunds.
21:23Er, Mr Melgrove...
21:25Oh, God's sake, I'm about tired.
21:27Mr Latimer is not quite ready for you yet.
21:30His colleague, Mr Mangrove, asked me to give you this.
21:33Mr... What's this?
21:35PHONE RINGS
21:39Dear Mr Melgrove,
21:41just to confirm that I have today received instructions
21:44to act on behalf of Mr G.W. Skinner of 45 Ogden Street,
21:48who is filing a claim for damages
21:50in connection with an alleged assault carried out by yourself
21:53upon his pit bull, Terrier Horace, this afternoon
21:56with a Sainsbury's coconut meringue.
21:59An assault with a coconut meringue?!
22:03It wasn't even stale!
22:05Oh, I have never in all my life
22:07heard of anything so patently ludic...
22:09Well, I'm going straight up there.
22:11No, I'm not going to have this.
22:13Leave it for now, Victor, for God's sake.
22:16We'll mention it to ours when we go in.
22:18Just don't make things worse than they already are.
22:27Sorry, I came here this afternoon and I am straight.
22:30I mean, it's cheered me up quite a bit.
22:32I came here this afternoon and I am straight.
22:34I mean, it's cheered me up like I can't tell you.
22:36Sitting here afternoon waiting to make out a will.
22:42Can you only think of one thing worse than dying?
22:46And that's living forever.
22:51I mean, can you just imagine how terrible that would actually be
22:55if I was just always here...
22:59Forever and ever and ever.
23:05Yes.
23:11Don't know what it's all about when it comes down to it.
23:14Whether you're just here one minute and gone the next
23:17like God rearranging the dust.
23:20Got no way of knowing.
23:24Anyway, I don't see the point of wills.
23:27We've had a similar case, shared everything over all these years.
23:30It's purely a formality after all said and done.
23:3737 years ago, this week as it happens...
23:41Since what?
23:43Since the first time we shared something.
23:47What?
23:49Our bodies.
23:51You remember?
23:53Peggy Hawkesworth's engagement party in Glendale Gardens.
23:57I can still remember the first moment I walked into that room
24:00and saw this dashing, handsome young man
24:03standing over by the record player
24:05with a head of golden, wavy, thick hair.
24:10Couldn't look at anybody else all night.
24:13Spent the entire evening waiting to be introduced
24:16just smiling across the room like an idiot.
24:20And then just after midnight, you remember, there was a power cut.
24:23We'd all had far too much to drink.
24:26I just seized my chance.
24:28Dashed across the room, grabbed your hand
24:31and dragged you out into the garden.
24:35I remember it took you a hell of a time to get going.
24:40You had your hand in my blouse for half an hour
24:42twiddling a dead wasp.
24:45And then, eventually, we just both relaxed into it.
24:49And...
24:54And then we got up out of the loop-ins,
24:56dusted ourselves down and went back inside.
25:00And when the lights came back on again, I remember
25:03I just stood and looked at you.
25:06And when I looked at you, I remember
25:08I thought to myself,
25:11I just stood and looked at you
25:13and realised I'd grabbed hold of the wrong person.
25:22Jeremy Birchall, the one with the thick, wavy, golden hair,
25:24was just leaving with that girl who worked in the hat factory.
25:29Anyway, got us started off together, and that was that.
25:35Funny, though, isn't it?
25:37It's hardly ever your first choice that you eventually end up with.
25:42Or even your second or third.
25:45All the ones you think you fancy the most,
25:47none of them are right for you, probably, in the end.
25:52Yes.
25:55Oh, well, I mean,
25:57well, look at you, ending up with me.
26:00And there were girls like Olive Reynolds,
26:03Hazel Warner,
26:06Jennifer Davey, and that sister of hers.
26:09They were a pretty little pair.
26:13You were always my first choice.
26:18Was I?
26:23You've never said that before?
26:26No, well...
26:31I suppose there's lots of things you never say.
26:35But you think about saying,
26:37and something always crops up.
26:39Life goes on.
26:41Somehow you never quite get round to putting it into words.