One Foot In The Grave S06 E03 - The Futility of the Fly
Transcript
00:01Oh, God Almighty!
00:08What is Jehovah's Witnesses? Don't they ever leave people alone?
00:12Descending on your house every week like a plague of boils?
00:22Milton, what are you doing?
00:24What does it look as though I'm doing?
00:26Castrating an elephant?
00:29They know someone's in. Our car's outside.
00:37Good morning. Oh, no, you're in the bath.
00:39Oh, I do beg your pardon.
00:40Yes, just getting ready to go out, I'm afraid.
00:43Otherwise, I'd love to stay and chat, but nice to have met you anyway.
00:46Bye.
00:49What's Jehovah's got to be so bloody cheerful for, is what I'd like to know.
00:52Yes, well, not everyone in life's the congenital misery guts.
00:57It wouldn't hurt you to lighten up once in a blue moon.
01:00See the world in a more optimistic light for a change.
01:03Oh, yes, after that hideous performance last night, you mean.
01:06Coming home from the fish shop to find a severed finger in my bag of chips.
01:11It's us, Ruthie. In case you hadn't noticed,
01:13we've been cursed with bad luck since the day we were born.
01:17I'd noticed.
01:19OK, how can I put this, folks?
01:22It's a little bit Brian Riggs, wouldn't you say?
01:26Let's be honest, any broader, you'd be performing in a circus ring.
01:29Specifically?
01:30Specifically, you're looking at a plot here
01:32no audience in the West End is ever going to buy into.
01:35I mean, finding someone's finger in a bag of chips.
01:39Then you've got the scene where he hilariously ends up in the bath with that old lady.
01:43Listen, the biggest problem of all is your central character.
01:47People want someone with warmth, someone they can relate to.
01:51I don't know what planet this guy's off, but it's certainly not Earth.
01:54Well, you say that, but here's the thing.
01:56I've actually met this man in real life, and I'm telling you,
01:59everything you've just seen happened.
02:01There is no way I could invent this kind of stuff.
02:03At least stay and see how it plays tonight.
02:06You can't always judge till the audience are in.
02:25Another hubcap in the marigolds.
02:28I don't know why I bother sometimes,
02:31after three hours lugging all that other stuff up to the tip this afternoon.
02:35What's this?
02:37Oh, they tried to deliver a parcel this morning, apparently.
02:40Don't know what that'll be. We're not expecting anything.
02:43Oh, these are nearly cold.
02:47Which tippy did you go to?
02:49Not that one with the mad Italians, I hope, that are always arguing with each other.
02:54They do a nice piece of gurnet.
02:57There was some rare fun and games there last night,
03:00if you believe everything you hear.
03:02That chap who runs the place, Enrico,
03:05apparently was caught by his wife at it with her best friend.
03:09What? You mean...?
03:11In the shop, behind the counter, with the lights out.
03:13Putting on what he thought was a contraceptive
03:16turned out to be a sachet of mustard.
03:19His wife heard the screams, ran downstairs
03:22and tried to batter them both to death.
03:24Of course, the batter was cold,
03:26so she went completely doolally with a meat cleaver.
03:29Good grief! Did she do any damage?
03:32That we don't know.
03:34The way people were gathering away there, 19 to the dozen, tonight,
03:37I did hear the words, hacked off, but...
03:40Then she was, poor woman.
03:43Oh, these will be fine when they're warmed up.
03:48Oh!
03:54Mrs Walwise, I hope that's not my favourite clothes prop you're cutting up.
03:58What?
04:00Oh, Margaret said I could take it back for firewood,
04:03as you don't use it any more.
04:19MUSIC PLAYS
04:37By the way, I've run a bath for you,
04:39if you want to freshen up before we eat.
04:42Oh, yes. That'll be just the ticket.
04:48MUSIC CONTINUES
05:04Having selected a mature female,
05:07the male now waits until she has settled in the water.
05:10Oh!
05:18MUSIC CONTINUES
05:29Then proceeds to attach his jelly-like protuberance to her body.
05:33SHE SCREAMS
05:36Oh! Oh!
05:38LAUGHTER
05:48LAUGHTER
06:08Well, I haven't got eyes in the back of my head, have I?
06:12That much is evident.
06:15I should think she'll be afraid to go to sleep in the bath ever again,
06:19for fear of what might suddenly land on her face.
06:22I mean, I cannot believe that someone would just plonk themselves down...
06:27All right, all right, Margaret, all right.
06:29It's bad enough it happened. Can we just drop it, please?
06:34The worst of it was banging my jaw on that tap.
06:40I think one of my crowns has come loose.
06:44I'm not sure I can manage this meat pie now.
06:47Just try eating the chips.
06:50Yes. Yes, I... I might be able to manage it.
07:02What is it?
07:06What?
07:09Is that... someone's finger?
07:14Oh, God.
07:16Oh, tell me it's not. Surely.
07:22It's been deep-fried.
07:26I think I need some fresh air.
07:33What are you doing?
07:35Looking to see if there are any more.
07:37For crying out loud, isn't one enough?
07:40Go and get a flask. A what?
07:42A thermos flask and fill it with ice.
07:44If we get it up to the hospital quickly, they might be able to do something with it.
07:49Like what?
07:51Oh, pick the ruddy noses. How would I know?
07:55Just get the thing out of this house.
07:59Oh, God.
08:02What a day.
08:04Talk about one thing after another.
08:08Did you remember to rinse that flask out when you got back from the hospital?
08:12Yes.
08:14Suppose it would have been a miracle if they had managed to sew that thing back on.
08:18After all that.
08:20The things people get up to.
08:23You wouldn't credit it.
08:26What are you doing all that for at this time of night?
08:29I suddenly remembered it's tomorrow. That cleaning woman's coming.
08:33You won't have to find the place looking like a pigsty.
08:39But the whole point about getting a cleaner was to give you a rest.
08:43You know you can't go at it the way you used to.
08:45Yes. Well, there's something about her that makes me feel very inadequate.
08:49Oh, yes.
08:51Yes. Well, there's something about her that makes me feel very inadequate.
08:56If she kept her clothes on while she was here, it would be a start.
09:00Running about in that skimpy bra.
09:03You can't tell me she gets that hot.
09:06What are you talking about, skimpy bra? That's a bikini top, surely.
09:11Oh, it looks exactly like a bikini top, I'll grant you.
09:15But that is definitely a bra.
09:18I'd stake my life on it.
09:22They both look exactly the same. What difference does it make?
09:28As long as she's got somewhere to tuck her dusters.
09:35Just one of those things we'll never know.
09:41You're in a funny mood tonight. What is it?
09:44Hmm?
09:47Oh, just a bit tired after all that other palaver.
09:51Night-night.
09:55Night.
09:57Night.
10:13Dear Mimsy, I wonder if it's possible to reverse a circumcision.
10:18For the last 13 years,
10:21my husband has kept his foreskin in a jar.
10:27But to be honest, I'm not sure it would still fit.
10:33Any guidance you can give us on this matter would be much appreciated.
10:37It's tragic, really, the things people write in about.
10:41I mean, listen to this one.
10:43I have developed a thick white coating on my tongue,
10:46which I'm worried may be dandruff.
10:50And despite gargling twice a day with head and shoulders,
10:53the problem does not seem to go away.
10:57Oh!
11:00So, how's Victor this morning? He not up yet?
11:03No, I don't think he got much sleep, to be honest.
11:06Seemed to have something on his mind
11:09that he evidently didn't want to talk about, so...
11:19Oh, boiling now.
11:22Oh!
11:24If that's water-resistant, I'm a Dutchman.
11:27Well, exactly.
11:31Yes, my name's Mildrew, 19 Riverbank.
11:34I believe you've got a parcel for us, and I was just...
11:38Ah. Any time before six.
11:40OK, then. Right, thank you. Bye.
11:44PHONE RINGS
11:47Hello.
11:49Oh, Enrico, how are you today?
11:52Are you still in hospital? I didn't... Oh, have they, really?
11:56Did I, er... Did I leave a nozzle in here?
11:59Yeah.
12:01No, no, no, there's no need to go to all that trouble.
12:06Yeah.
12:08All right, Enrico, I look forward to that.
12:11Yes, bye.
12:13Katie, are you well?
12:15How's the play going these days?
12:17Oh, good question. I read it to my boyfriend last night,
12:20who, like, just totally hated it.
12:22What did he say? He said I'd done a sensational job,
12:25but men will say anything, won't they, when they want to get laid?
12:28The subtext was definitely, don't give up your day job.
12:31Anyway, how's everything in this room? All right for you?
12:34Yes, you've done a sensational job.
12:37Very nice, thank you.
12:39Oh, God, it's never ten to one. I've got a dental appointment in town at two.
12:43Thank you, Mr Meldrew. Bye.
12:45Bye.
12:47Unbelievable.
12:49He's only invited himself round here for lunch now.
12:52Who has? That chip shop waller, Enrico.
12:55He said he was very grateful that I'd taken his finger back last night.
12:59Now he wants to treat us to a large portion of haddock.
13:02Where are you off to?
13:04Well, I'm not sitting here all morning watching Snow White get her kit off.
13:08So we pop down the health shop, see if we can get something for Jean's shoulder.
13:12It's like one long pain now going right up into my jaw.
13:16Dreading going up to see him now about this tooth.
13:19Oh, of course, cos you're allergic to the injections.
13:22I don't know what it is, a novocaine or whatever.
13:24Always makes me horribly sick.
13:26Remember last time when I brought my liver up?
13:31Those suction tubes can barely cope with a mouthful of gravy.
13:37Well, there must be other ways they can numb you.
13:41Have you ever thought about going to a different dentist?
13:48I won't, if you don't mind, Enrico.
13:50I've got off chips for the moment. Thanks all the same.
13:53Ah, just a nibble.
13:56It's good, right?
13:58Like being suckled by Angela Rippon.
14:01Just melts in the mouth.
14:03Listen, Victor, we're deeply touched, you know,
14:06when you brought that back to me last night.
14:08Other men would have flushed it down the crapper.
14:10But Victor, no.
14:12Listen, how many years now you come into my shop?
14:17Doesn't matter. Enrico knows.
14:19Can spot a man of superior intellect.
14:22Of course, for me right now, it's big problem, right?
14:26Two nights ago, my wife catch me with her best friend
14:30on floor of the shop behind the counter.
14:32Yes, I heard.
14:33You heard?
14:34It's very possible I make plenty of noise.
14:37But then this morning, I come home from hospital,
14:40I know just what to do.
14:42Get both women together and I tell them
14:44it's only one way to choose between them.
14:47We'll let Victor decide.
14:51What?
14:52We'll let Victor Melview make the decision.
14:55Like Judgment of Solomon.
14:57Now, it's not easy for sure.
14:59They are both very beautiful.
15:03Antonella is a wonderful, wonderful wife.
15:07But Phyllis, you know...
15:09Wow!
15:11Well, Enrico, I...
15:14Have you thought of writing to one of these people in the paper?
15:17I'm sure they can advise you much better than I can because...
15:20Anyway, I've got to pop out very shortly to the post office.
15:23So perhaps I'll just...
15:25Perhaps I'll just take these and wash them up.
15:33Hey, Victor, it's fantastic idea, right?
15:36Check it out, Mimsy Berkowitz.
15:39Am I lost in love or seeking solace in sex?
15:43Whatever my emotional dilemma, Mimsy can help me.
15:47Make me write to her. She tell me what to do.
15:49Yes, I think it's for the best, Enrico.
15:51Now, I'm afraid I've got to go now, sir.
15:53Unfortunately, you'll have to...
15:55Yes, before you go, Victor, do me one tiny favour.
16:03Oh...
16:11Oh, hello.
16:13Did you make it in time, then, in the end?
16:15Sorry?
16:16The dental appointment.
16:18Oh, yes. Sorry, Mr Meldrew. I'm not quite with it yet.
16:21I'm still a bit spaced out, I think.
16:23Oh, right. From the anaesthetic?
16:25Hypnosis, actually.
16:26Hypnosis?
16:28I know. It's amazing. She's Taiwanese.
16:30She uses this kind of hypnotherapy to put you under, and it's brilliant.
16:33You don't feel any pain, don't remember any of what happened, anything.
16:36Oh!
16:38What's that, a new pair of cufflinks?
16:40To be honest, I haven't the faintest idea who it's from or anything.
16:44Oh, well, I'll see you around, Mr Meldrew.
16:46Right. Bye, Katie.
16:48Take care.
16:57What are you up to?
16:58She's supposed to have done that once this morning.
17:01Supposed to is right.
17:04Oh, my God.
17:07Is that it?
17:10What do you think it is?
17:12I don't know. There's nothing on the outside to say who sent it or anything.
17:16Oh!
17:18I'll tell you what I did find when I was out.
17:20A dentist that might be handy for you-know-who.
17:23Apparently, there's one that cleaner goes to
17:26who uses hypnotism in her patients.
17:29She puts them under, and they don't feel any pain or anything.
17:35What in the name of all that's holy?
17:46Well...
17:48Where did it come from? That can't possibly be for us.
17:53Mr and Mrs Meldrew, 19 Riverbank.
17:57Well, there must be a letter or a note.
18:03I mean, what the hell is it for?
18:07Perhaps it's a free gift.
18:09A free gift!
18:12Oh, hang on.
18:14Ah, there's something written underneath here.
18:18What does it say?
18:19It says...
18:22Best before January 2001.
18:33Oh, sorry, Mr Meldrew. I thought we said ten o'clock.
18:37Perhaps I'll just take my own car.
18:39Oh, you'll do nothing of the kind, Mrs Walpoise.
18:41I'll be with you in just a jiffy.
18:43Now, if you could get the car out of the garage, that would be one big help.
18:47Yes. Yes, all right.
18:52Still don't know if it's the answer.
18:54Hypnotherapy, you know.
18:56I mean, what if they can't bring me out of a trance?
18:59I could turn into a vegetable,
19:01doing a striptease every time anyone claps their hands.
19:07Oh.
19:08This is very lifelike, isn't it?
19:11It all must be real.
19:14What?
19:15Of course, I had a talk with my old dentist,
19:18who said I should definitely give it a try,
19:20and he's given me a copy of the X-ray to take along and everything, but...
19:25What's that? Bad news?
19:27Well, I found it in that letter rack.
19:32Mimsy Berkowitz?
19:35Is this Victor's handwriting?
19:38What would he be doing writing to an agony aunt?
19:42I don't know.
19:43There was obviously something on his mind the other night.
19:46My God, you think he's got some girl into trouble?
19:49Why ever do you say that?
19:52Well, whatever it is, it smacks of dishonesty.
19:56Let's see if I can pick it open.
19:58No, Jean.
20:00If he's got some kind of problem that he feels he can't share with me,
20:03that's his lookout. I'm sorry.
20:10Yes, well, um...
20:13I'll pop it into the box for you while I'm out.
20:30Dear Mimsy, I have the most terrible problem and need your advice.
20:34Recently, I have developed an insane passion for my wife's best friend.
20:39When I realize, I totally wish...
20:44Ever since we shared an intimate moment together a few nights ago,
20:48I can't stop thinking about her.
20:50Oh, my God.
20:54There we are, then.
20:57Sorry about that.
21:01That's it.
21:07That's it.
21:09Try not to worry about it.
21:11Everything's going to be absolutely fine.
21:19Mrs Wallboys?
21:21Yes.
21:22First time here, yes?
21:24Yes.
21:27And feeling a bit nervous about it all, if truth be told.
21:32You say something about a crown, right?
21:34Yes. Oh, and Mr Spigot gave me this to give to you,
21:38which will make far more sense to you than it does to me.
21:42Oh, thank you.
21:45Ah, OK. I see.
21:48It's been giving me such jip, I can't tell you.
21:53And I've been saying to myself for weeks I must get this shoulder done,
21:57but you know what it is.
21:58OK, fine.
22:00First of all, Mrs Wallboys, just relax, OK?
22:05I'll be back in a minute.
22:07OK.
22:08OK, fine.
22:10First of all, Mrs Wallboys, just relax, OK?
22:15And keep very, very still.
22:21Doesn't seem to need a lot of doing, this floor.
22:24You sure you haven't secretly been mopping it all over before I got here?
22:28Oh, by the way, thanks for putting us on to that dentist of yours.
22:32That was just what our friend was looking for.
22:35Amazing to think they can do that now.
22:37Give you fillings and everything, just with hypnotherapy.
22:40Oh, no, it's fantastic.
22:42It's not my dentist, though, does all that. I wish it was.
22:46Not your dentist?
22:48Then who was it you'd just been to see when Victor ran into...
23:00Hello, Jackie Tang...
23:03Um, Mr Milgram, your wife.
23:10Hello, yes.
23:12Yes, we're still here.
23:14Yes, I think she should be out at any minute.
23:18What?
23:24You...
23:26I...
23:28I'll speak to you later.
23:30All completed now?
23:37I hope she will be pleased.
23:46Oh, yes.
23:50Mrs Wallboy.
23:54Mrs Wallboy.
23:56Excuse me.
24:00PHONE RINGS
24:10Oh, Mr...
24:12Sorry. I'll just get your coat.
24:17Where in God's name is she?
24:20And why did she have to shoot off on her own like that anyway?
24:23It doesn't make any sense. I've no idea.
24:25After we came out, she said she had to go to the post office
24:28and then she had to come back here on the bus to pick up her car.
24:31It gives me some very strange looks all day come to that.
24:35Well, when she does get here,
24:38you are going to tell her everything.
24:42My God, you've cocked some things up in your time, Victor,
24:45but this one takes the biscuit.
24:47I don't know who was in a bigger trance, her or you.
24:52Don't tell me that bulb's gone again already.
24:58No, all off now.
25:00Just where the trip switch needs resetting. Do you want me to do it?
25:03No, I can manage. Anyone in?
25:06Sorry, it was murder on the buses tonight.
25:09Oh, oh, Mr Meldrum.
25:12Oh, what's going on?
25:14It's all right, Mrs Wallboy. Come right in.
25:16No, I'm sorry, I can't stay.
25:18I just came to collect my keys, which I think I left here.
25:21Yes, but you're not in a rush, are you?
25:23I thought it might be an idea if we just sat down and had a little chat.
25:27Oh, my God, what's that horrible rubbery thing?
25:34Oh, you came away from me, Mr Meldrum.
25:37Oh, no!
25:39Mrs Wallboy's...
25:41Oh, God! No, no!
25:46Jean?
25:48Er...
25:51Oh...
25:53I'll, um...
25:57I'll talk to you later, then.
26:01Bye.
26:09Do you ever get the feeling you'd just like to go to sleep
26:12and not wake up the next morning?
26:15Every night.
26:17We'd have to worry, then.
26:19We'd have to keep trying to make sense of it all.
26:22Of what?
26:24Us.
26:26This.
26:28Everything.
26:30It's like when I was at the hospital the other night, I don't know.
26:33And you see it all there, don't you?
26:36The whole thing under one roof.
26:40Birth.
26:42Death.
26:44Birth.
26:46Death.
26:48All the misery in between.
26:50I remember reading an article once that said
26:52all our lives are just a temporary blip
26:55in the long, meaningless void of eternity.
27:00And that we'll never know where we came from or what we're doing here.
27:06Or why a grown woman would suddenly jam a courgette in the door.
27:11I mean, it's not even as if she could have mistaken it in the dark
27:15for something else.
27:41Olly, what the hell did you think he was trying to do?
27:45And with a thing like that,
27:47who do you think I'm married to, Champion the Wonder Horse?
27:50Make it a spring onion, we'd be getting closer to the mark.
28:02Look, we're on the end of a pier.
28:04They're not going to be the most demanding house in the world.
28:06They're laughing.
28:07But the laughter is meaningless.
28:09You put this in front of people who think
28:11they're going to ask too many questions.
28:13Like, what the hell was the deal with that giant fly?
28:16You can't just set up something like that and then never explain it.
28:19But they never did explain it.
28:21It just became like this total unsolved mystery,
28:23which is what I love about it.
28:25Sorry, Katie.
28:26There's some interesting stuff here,
28:28but bottom line, the writing has to be convincing.
28:31And end of the day, I'm afraid for me,
28:33that's the biggest single problem.
28:35I don't believe it.