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00:00:00Leonard, you left your underwear in the dryer downstairs.
00:00:06Pfft.
00:00:09Those are not mine.
00:00:12Really? They have your little name label in them.
00:00:17Yeah, no, I do. I use those just to polish up my spearfishing equipment.
00:00:25I spearfish.
00:00:30When I'm not crossbow hunting, I spearfish.
00:00:35Uh, Penny, this is Sheldon's twin sister, Missy. Missy, this is our neighbor, Penny.
00:00:39Hi.
00:00:40Wow, you don't look that much alike.
00:00:42Can I get a hallelujah?
00:00:45Fraternal twins come from two separate eggs. They are no more alike than any other siblings.
00:00:49Hallelujah!
00:00:52Hey, guess what? I've been accepted as a test subject for a new miracle drug to overcome pathological shyness.
00:00:58Oh, good for you, Raj.
00:00:59Yes, I'm very hopeful. Hello, Missy.
00:01:12They mentioned there may be side effects.
00:01:17I am Shiva the Destroyer. I will have the woman.
00:01:22I'm warning you, I was judo champion at birth camp.
00:01:27All right, that's enough juvenile squabbling. Stop it. Stop it, I say!
00:01:32I'm gonna settle this right now. Neither of you are good enough for my sister.
00:01:37Who are you to decide that?
00:01:39He's the man of his family. You have to respect his wishes.
00:01:42You're out too, by the way.
00:01:43Say what?
00:01:44It's nothing personal. I'd just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn't become flatulent every time they ate an Eskimo pie.
00:01:57What are you so happy about?
00:01:59I'm not happy. It's the medication. I can't stop smiling.
00:02:03Ow, ow, ow, ow!
00:02:05Take that!
00:02:07You want some more?
00:02:11And ease down.
00:02:13One, two, three, four.
00:02:16Come on, come on, get up!
00:02:18Stay down, bitch.
00:02:20Hey!
00:02:24Yeah! Natural selection at work.
00:02:27I weep for humanity.
00:02:30Excuse me while I go tell Missy the good news.
00:02:39Hey, Leonard.
00:02:40Oh, hi, Penny. How's it going?
00:02:41Listen, that guy Mike that you were dating, is that still going on?
00:02:44Uh, pretty much. Why?
00:02:45Nothing, just catching up. By the way, may I speak to Missy, please?
00:02:49Of course.
00:02:52Hi, Leonard. What's up?
00:02:53Well, since you're leaving tomorrow, I was wondering if you'd like to go to dinner with me.
00:02:58That's so sweet. But no thanks.
00:03:02Oh. Do you have other plans, or...
00:03:05No.
00:03:06Oh.
00:03:09All right. Uh...
00:03:12Enjoy the rest of your evening.
00:03:14Thanks. See ya.
00:03:20What?
00:03:28What do you see? What do you see? I can't...
00:03:30The living room appears to be empty.
00:03:31Okay, he must be in his bedroom.
00:03:33My spare glasses are in my bedroom, on my dresser, next to my bat signal.
00:03:40I'm not going in there.
00:03:42Raj?
00:03:43No way, Jose.
00:03:45Look, I can't do it. I can't see anything.
00:03:47Wireless minicam and Bluetooth headset will be your eyes.
00:03:53Fine.
00:03:54One more thing.
00:03:56This is a subsonic impact sensor.
00:04:00If Sheldon gets out of bed and starts to walk, this device will register it and send a signal to the laptop.
00:04:05At that point, based on the geography of the apartment and the ambulatory speed of a sick Sheldon,
00:04:09you'll have seven seconds to get out, glasses or no glasses.
00:04:13Won't my footsteps set it off?
00:04:15No, you'll be on your hands and knees.
00:04:17Now you'll need to get the sensor as close as you can to Sheldon's room.
00:04:20But how do I carry it if I'm on my hands and knees?
00:04:28Stay low.
00:04:30Bear left.
00:04:32Now keep true.
00:04:33What?
00:04:34It means go straight.
00:04:35They just say go straight.
00:04:38They don't say go straight when you're giving bearings. You say keep true.
00:04:42Alright.
00:04:46I just hit my head.
00:04:49Because you didn't keep true.
00:04:53Okay, turn right.
00:04:56The picture's breaking up.
00:04:58Angle your head to the right.
00:05:01Now a little more.
00:05:03A little more.
00:05:05That's it. Now just keep true.
00:05:10Alright, you're close enough to Sheldon's room.
00:05:12Alright, you're close enough to Sheldon's room.
00:05:14Deploy the sensor.
00:05:17Now turn it on.
00:05:19It wasn't on.
00:05:20No.
00:05:21Then why did I have to crawl?
00:05:25Oh, I guess you didn't.
00:05:30Okay, it's on.
00:05:31Good. From this point forward, you will have to crawl.
00:05:36I know.
00:05:37I know.
00:05:42Hang on. The sensor's picking up something. Turn your head back.
00:05:51You rat bastard.
00:05:55Told you the sensor would work.
00:05:58Why?
00:06:00You deliberately stuck me with Sheldon.
00:06:02Come on, I had to. You see what he's like.
00:06:04Betty, Betty, I'm hungry.
00:06:07It's okay, sweetie. Good news. Leonard's home.
00:06:10No.
00:06:11Here you go. Good luck. Bye.
00:06:13Wait, wait.
00:06:14Leonard, I'm hungry.
00:06:16Penny, take me with you.
00:06:28I want grilled cheese.
00:06:30Some guy is auctioning off a miniature time machine prop from the original film and no one is bidding on it.
00:06:35A time machine from the movie The Time Machine?
00:06:38No, a time machine from Sophie's Choice.
00:06:41Boy, Sophie could have used a time machine in that movie.
00:06:44Did you see it? It's rough.
00:06:48Oh, that's cool.
00:06:49It's only $800?
00:06:50Yeah, and that's my bid.
00:06:52You bid $800?
00:06:54It was a spur-of-the-moment thing. I figured it would go for thousands and I just wanted to be a part of it.
00:06:59There's only 30 seconds left in the auction.
00:07:01Do you have $800?
00:07:02Not to blow on a miniature time machine.
00:07:04Well, don't worry. The way these things work is people wait until the last second to bid and then they swoop in and get it.
00:07:08It's called sniping.
00:07:0915 seconds.
00:07:10Come on, snipers.
00:07:13Ten, nine, eight.
00:07:16Where are your snipers?
00:07:18Five.
00:07:19Snipe.
00:07:20Four.
00:07:21Snipe.
00:07:22Three.
00:07:23Snipe.
00:07:24Two.
00:07:25Snipe.
00:07:26One.
00:07:27I'm the owner of a miniature time machine.
00:07:30You lucky duck.
00:07:32I wonder why no one else bid. This is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.
00:07:36I know.
00:07:46I understand why no one else bid.
00:07:48A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower.
00:07:50Event B.
00:07:51We drive halfway across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman's ex-boyfriend.
00:07:56Query. On what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?
00:08:02She asked me to do her a favor, Sheldon.
00:08:05Ah, yes. Well, that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher-level distal cause.
00:08:12Which is?
00:08:13You think with your penis.
00:08:16That's a biological impossibility, and you didn't have to come.
00:08:19Oh, right. Yes, I could have stayed behind to watch Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic, and Farsi.
00:08:25Why can't she get her own TV?
00:08:27There's some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV.
00:08:31She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him.
00:08:33So we get to have a scene with him?
00:08:35No, Sheldon, there's not going to be a scene.
00:08:39I'll do the talking.
00:08:40Yeah.
00:08:41Hi, I'm Leonard. This is Sheldon.
00:08:43Hello.
00:08:44What did I just...
00:08:47Uh, we're here to pick up Penny's TV.
00:08:49Get lost.
00:08:50Okay, thanks for your time.
00:08:51We're not going to give up just like that.
00:08:53Leonard, the TV's in the building.
00:08:55We've been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.
00:08:57Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360.
00:09:00We should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.
00:09:07What do you think their combined IQ is?
00:09:09Just grab the door.
00:09:12This is it.
00:09:15I'll do the talking.
00:09:16Good thinking. I'll just be the muscle.
00:09:22Yeah?
00:09:23I'm Leonard. This is Sheldon.
00:09:25From the intercom.
00:09:28How the hell did you get in the building?
00:09:30Uh, we're scientists.
00:09:35Tell him about our IQ.
00:09:38Leonard.
00:09:39What?
00:09:40My mom bought me those pants.
00:09:41I'm sorry.
00:09:43No.
00:09:48Oh, hey, Leonard.
00:09:49Good afternoon, Penny.
00:09:50So, hi.
00:09:51Hi.
00:09:52I'm Sheldon.
00:09:53I'm Penny.
00:09:54I'm Sheldon.
00:09:55I'm Penny.
00:09:56I'm Penny.
00:09:57I'm Penny.
00:09:58I'm Penny.
00:09:59I'm Penny.
00:10:00I'm Penny.
00:10:01I'm Penny.
00:10:02I'm Penny.
00:10:03I'm Penny.
00:10:04I'm Penny.
00:10:05I'm Penny.
00:10:06So, hi.
00:10:07Hey.
00:10:08Uh...
00:10:10I was wondering if you had plans for dinner.
00:10:12Uh, you mean dinner tonight?
00:10:13I was thinking 6.30.
00:10:14If you can go.
00:10:15Or a different time.
00:10:16Oh, 6.30's great.
00:10:17Really?
00:10:21Great.
00:10:22Yeah, I like hanging out with you guys.
00:10:23Us guys?
00:10:24You know, Sheldon, Howard, Raj.
00:10:26Who else coming?
00:10:28They...
00:10:30might all be there.
00:10:33Or a subset of them might be there.
00:10:36Algebraically speaking, there are too many unknowns.
00:10:39Okay, whatever.
00:10:40It sounds like fun.
00:10:41Great.
00:10:43Did we say a time?
00:10:446.30.
00:10:45And that's still good for you?
00:10:46It's fine.
00:10:47Because it's not carved in stone.
00:10:48No, 6.30's great.
00:10:49I'll get my chisel.
00:10:51Why?
00:10:53To...
00:10:54carve the...
00:10:55Okay, I'll see you at 6.30.
00:10:56Are the rest of the guys meeting us here?
00:10:58Oh, yeah.
00:10:59No.
00:11:01Well, it turns out that Raj and Howard had to work
00:11:03and Sheldon...
00:11:05had a colonoscopy
00:11:06and he hasn't quite bounced back yet.
00:11:10Oof.
00:11:11My uncle just had a colonoscopy.
00:11:12You're kidding.
00:11:13Well, then that's something we have in common.
00:11:17How?
00:11:19We both have people in our lives
00:11:21who want to nip
00:11:23intestinal polyps in the butt.
00:11:31So, what's new in the world of physics?
00:11:34Nothing.
00:11:37Really? Nothing?
00:11:38Well, with the exception of string theory,
00:11:41not much has happened since the 1930s
00:11:44and you can't prove string theory.
00:11:46At best, you can say,
00:11:47hey, look, my idea has an internal logical consistency.
00:11:55Hey, do you want to see something cool?
00:11:57Cool.
00:11:59I can make this olive go into this glass
00:12:02without touching it.
00:12:04How?
00:12:05Physics.
00:12:12Wow, centrifugal force.
00:12:14Actually, it's centripetal force,
00:12:16which is an inward force
00:12:18generated by the glass acting on the olive.
00:12:22Excuse me.
00:12:23Now, if you were biting on the olive,
00:12:26you'd be in a non-inertial reference frame
00:12:28and would...
00:12:31Are you okay?
00:12:32Yeah, I'm okay.
00:12:35Did you spill ketchup?
00:12:37No.
00:12:38I'm not okay.
00:12:39Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash?
00:12:41Well, there's always the possibility
00:12:43that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter,
00:12:46but Occam's razor would suggest
00:12:48that someone threw it out.
00:12:50It's from the Institute for Experimental Physics.
00:12:52They want us to present our paper
00:12:54on the properties of supersolids
00:12:55at the topical conference on Bose-Einstein condensates.
00:12:58I know.
00:12:59I read it before I threw it out.
00:13:01Okay.
00:13:02If I may drill down to the bedrock of my question,
00:13:04why did you throw it out?
00:13:06Because I have no interest
00:13:07in standing in the rose room of the Pasadena Marriott
00:13:10in front of a group of judgmental strangers
00:13:12who wouldn't recognize true genius
00:13:14if it were standing in front of them giving a speech.
00:13:16Which, if I were there, it would be.
00:13:20I don't know, Sheldon.
00:13:21Those topical conference on Bose-Einstein condensates parties
00:13:23are legendary.
00:13:25Forget the parties?
00:13:26Forget the parties?
00:13:27What a nerd.
00:13:30Are there any other honors I've gotten
00:13:32that I don't know about?
00:13:33Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
00:13:36Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way,
00:13:37but the day you win a Nobel Prize
00:13:39is the day I begin my research
00:13:40on the drag coefficient of tassels on flying carpets.
00:13:45The only thing missing from that insult was your mama.
00:13:50I got one.
00:13:51Hey, Leonard, your mama's research methodology
00:13:52is so flawed.
00:13:53Shut up, Howard.
00:13:56Sheldon, we have to do this.
00:13:57No, we don't.
00:13:58We have to take in nourishment,
00:13:59expel waste,
00:14:00and inhale enough oxygen
00:14:01to keep our cells from dying.
00:14:03Everything else is optional.
00:14:05Okay, let me put it this way.
00:14:06I'm doing it.
00:14:07You can't.
00:14:08I'm the lead author.
00:14:10Come on.
00:14:11The only reason you're the lead author
00:14:12is because we went alphabetically.
00:14:14I let you think we went alphabetically
00:14:15to spare you the humiliation
00:14:16of dealing with the fact that it was my idea.
00:14:18Not to put too fine a point on it,
00:14:20but I was throwing you a bone.
00:14:21You're welcome.
00:14:23Excuse me?
00:14:24I designed the experiment to prove the hypothesis.
00:14:26It doesn't need proving.
00:14:28What?
00:14:29So the entire scientific community
00:14:30is just supposed to take your word?
00:14:32They're not supposed to, but they should.
00:14:35All right, I don't care what you say.
00:14:36I'm going to the conference,
00:14:37and I'm presenting our findings.
00:14:39And I forbid it.
00:14:41You forbid it?
00:14:43If I'm not taking credit for our work,
00:14:44then nobody is.
00:14:45So you admit that it's our work?
00:14:47No.
00:14:48Once again, I'm throwing you a bone.
00:14:50And once again, you are welcome.
00:14:54Ah!
00:14:56Oh, no, he didn't.
00:14:59Are there any questions?
00:15:00Yeah.
00:15:01What the hell was that?
00:15:05Any other questions?
00:15:07Dr. Sheldon Cooper here.
00:15:08I am the lead author of this particular paper.
00:15:16And you, sir,
00:15:18And you, sir,
00:15:19you have completely skipped over the part
00:15:21where I was walking through the park,
00:15:23and I saw these children on a merry-go-round,
00:15:25which started me thinking about the moment of inertia
00:15:28in gases like helium
00:15:29at temperatures approaching absolute zero.
00:15:31I didn't skip it.
00:15:32It's just an anecdote.
00:15:33It's not science.
00:15:34Oh, oh, I see.
00:15:35It was the apple falling on Newton's head.
00:15:37Was that just an anecdote?
00:15:39You are not Isaac Newton.
00:15:40No, no, that's true.
00:15:41Gravity would have been apparent to me
00:15:42without the apple.
00:15:44You cannot possibly be that arrogant.
00:15:46You continue to underestimate me, my good man.
00:15:49Look, if you weren't happy with my presentation,
00:15:51then maybe you should have given it with me.
00:15:53As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you,
00:15:55I don't need validation from lesser minds.
00:15:57No offense.
00:15:59Really? So why did you come?
00:16:00Because I knew you'd screw this up.
00:16:02Maybe I didn't go to college when I was 11, like you.
00:16:05Maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16.
00:16:08But you are not the only person
00:16:09who is smarter than everyone else in this room.
00:16:13No offense.
00:16:15And I am clearly not the only person
00:16:17who is tormented by insecurity
00:16:19and has an ego in need of constant validation.
00:16:21So you admit you're an egotist?
00:16:23Yes!
00:16:25My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstetter,
00:16:27and I could never please my parents,
00:16:28so I need to get all my self-esteem
00:16:29from strangers like you.
00:16:31But he's worse!
00:16:32Okay, that is it.
00:16:34Stop it.
00:16:37You cannot blow up my head with your mind.
00:16:40Then I'll settle for an aneurysm.
00:16:42Stop it.
00:16:43You hit me. You saw that. He hit me.
00:16:45I'm not trying to blow up my head.
00:16:47So it was working.
00:16:48It wasn't. It was not.
00:16:49You are a nutcase!
00:16:50Oh, we'll see about that.
00:16:51Heads up, you people in the front row.
00:16:52This is a splash zone.
00:16:54Stop. Stop it!
00:16:56Quit it!
00:17:02Is this usually how these physics things go?
00:17:05More often than you think.
00:17:08Ow!
00:17:10You're a fucking nerd!
00:17:11Let's go
00:17:13a-ooh
00:17:15tonight.
00:17:19I have to go
00:17:21a-ooh
00:17:23tonight.
00:17:25What the hell is that?
00:17:28I don't know,
00:17:29but if cats could sing,
00:17:31they'd hate it too.
00:17:38You wanna prowl?
00:17:40Be my night owl.
00:17:42We'll take my hat.
00:17:43Hey, guys.
00:17:44Hi.
00:17:45Where are you going?
00:17:46What?
00:17:47We just had to
00:17:48mail some letters
00:17:50and
00:17:52throw away some chicken.
00:18:08You'll never guess what just happened.
00:18:10Oh, I give up.
00:18:11I don't guess.
00:18:12As a scientist,
00:18:13I reach conclusions
00:18:14based on observation
00:18:15and experimentation.
00:18:17Although, as I'm saying this,
00:18:18it occurs to me
00:18:19you may have been
00:18:20employing a rhetorical device
00:18:21rendering my response moot.
00:18:24What was that?
00:18:25Believe it or not,
00:18:26personal growth.
00:18:28What happened?
00:18:29All right, remember when I auditioned
00:18:30for that workshop production of Rent,
00:18:31but I didn't get it
00:18:32and I couldn't figure out why?
00:18:33I have a conclusion
00:18:34based on an observation.
00:18:35No, you don't.
00:18:36No, he doesn't.
00:18:38Well, the girl they picked
00:18:39to play Mimi,
00:18:40she dropped out
00:18:41and they asked me to replace her.
00:18:42Oh, congratulations.
00:18:43What a lucky break.
00:18:44It's not a big deal,
00:18:45just a one-night showcase,
00:18:46but they invite a lot of
00:18:47casting people and agents,
00:18:48so you never know.
00:18:49I think I know.
00:18:50No, you don't.
00:18:52He doesn't.
00:18:53It's this Friday at 8.
00:18:54You guys wanna come?
00:18:55No.
00:18:58Because
00:19:00Friday,
00:19:01we are attending
00:19:02a symposium
00:19:03on molecular positronium.
00:19:05I think that's a week
00:19:06from Tuesday at 6.
00:19:07No, it's this Friday
00:19:09at 8.
00:19:11Oh, too bad.
00:19:12Well, I gotta get to rehearsal.
00:19:13See you guys.
00:19:14See ya.
00:19:15Let's go
00:19:16out
00:19:18tonight.
00:19:20You just lied to Penny.
00:19:21Yes, I did.
00:19:22But you did it so casually.
00:19:24No rapid breathing,
00:19:25no increase in perspiration.
00:19:27So?
00:19:28So lack of a physiological response
00:19:29while lying
00:19:30is characteristic
00:19:31of a violation
00:19:32is characteristic
00:19:33of a violent sociopath.
00:19:35Sheldon, are you worried
00:19:36about your safety?
00:19:37No.
00:19:38I imagine if you were
00:19:39going to kill me,
00:19:40you'd have done it
00:19:41a long time ago.
00:19:42That's very true.
00:20:03I think it really works
00:20:04in the room.
00:20:06Yeah.
00:20:07It is by far
00:20:08the coolest thing
00:20:09I have ever owned.
00:20:10The exact time machine
00:20:11that carried actor
00:20:12Rod Taylor
00:20:13from Victorian England
00:20:14into the post-apocalyptic future
00:20:16where society
00:20:17had splintered
00:20:18into two factions,
00:20:19the subterranean Morlocks
00:20:20who survived by feasting
00:20:21on the flesh
00:20:22of the gentle
00:20:23surface-dwelling Eloy.
00:20:26Talk about your
00:20:27chick magnets.
00:20:30Oh, yeah.
00:20:31The guy who lives
00:20:32next to me is always like,
00:20:33I have a jacuzzi
00:20:34on my balcony.
00:20:35I have a jacuzzi
00:20:36on my balcony.
00:20:37But wait until I tell him,
00:20:38I've got a time machine
00:20:39on my balcony.
00:20:42Stuff that in your
00:20:43Speedo's jacuzzi, Bob.
00:20:45Gentlemen,
00:20:46I know we said
00:20:47we'd take turns,
00:20:48but I think you'll agree
00:20:49that practicality dictates
00:20:50it remain here.
00:20:51You can't just
00:20:52keep it here.
00:20:53What if I meet a girl
00:20:54and say,
00:20:55you want to come up
00:20:56and see my time machine?
00:20:57It's at my friend's house.
00:20:58How lame is that?
00:20:59He's got a point.
00:21:00All right, I think
00:21:01we're going to need
00:21:02some ground rules.
00:21:03In addition to the expected
00:21:04no shoes in the time machine
00:21:05and no eating
00:21:06in the time machine,
00:21:07I propose that we add
00:21:08pants must be worn
00:21:09at all times
00:21:10in the time machine.
00:21:12Seconded.
00:21:14I was gonna put down a towel.
00:21:19I still want it
00:21:20on my balcony.
00:21:21I say we move it
00:21:22on a bimonthly basis.
00:21:23Yeah, that sounds fair.
00:21:24Now, hold on.
00:21:25Bimonthly is an
00:21:26ambiguous term.
00:21:27Do you mean move it
00:21:28every other month
00:21:29Then no.
00:21:30Okay, every other month.
00:21:31No.
00:21:33Sheldon,
00:21:34you can't be selfish.
00:21:35We all paid for it
00:21:36so it belongs to all of us.
00:21:37Now get out of the way
00:21:38so I can sit
00:21:39in my time machine.
00:21:45Oh!
00:21:49Okay.
00:21:50I am setting the dials
00:21:51for March 10th, 1876.
00:21:54Good choice.
00:21:55Alexander Graham Bell
00:21:56invents the telephone
00:21:57and calls out for Dr. Watson.
00:21:58Wait a minute.
00:21:59I'd want to see that, too.
00:22:00So when it's your turn,
00:22:01you can.
00:22:02But if we all go back
00:22:03to the same point in time,
00:22:04Bell's lab is going
00:22:05to get very crowded.
00:22:06He'll know something's up.
00:22:08Also, since the time machine
00:22:09doesn't move in space,
00:22:10you'll end up in
00:22:111876 Pasadena.
00:22:12And even if he can
00:22:13make it to Boston,
00:22:14what are you gonna do?
00:22:15Knock on the door
00:22:16and say to Mrs. Bell,
00:22:17Hey, Mrs. Bell,
00:22:18big fan of your husband.
00:22:19Can I come in and watch him
00:22:20invent the telephone?
00:22:21Mrs. Bell was deaf.
00:22:22She's not even gonna
00:22:23hear you knock.
00:22:24Well, I have a solution.
00:22:25First, go into the future
00:22:26and obtain a cloaking device
00:22:28Ooh, how far into the future?
00:22:29If I remember correctly,
00:22:30Captain Kirk will steal
00:22:31a cloaking device
00:22:32from the Romulans
00:22:33on stardate 5027.3,
00:22:35which would be
00:22:36January 10th, 2328
00:22:37by Pre-Federation Reckoning.
00:22:40Okay, I am setting the dials
00:22:42for January 10th, 2328.
00:22:45Here we go into the future.
00:22:58Oh, my God.
00:23:10That was fun.
00:23:12See you Saturday?
00:23:13Uh, I don't think so.
00:23:14Why not?
00:23:15I don't celebrate my birthday.
00:23:16Shut up. Yeah, you do.
00:23:17Well, it's no big deal.
00:23:18It's just the way I was raised.
00:23:20My parents focused on
00:23:21celebrating achievements,
00:23:22and being expelled
00:23:23from a birth canal
00:23:24was not considered one of them.
00:23:27That's so silly.
00:23:28It's actually based
00:23:29on very sound theories.
00:23:30His mother published
00:23:31a paper on it.
00:23:32Well, what was it called?
00:23:33I hate my son,
00:23:34and that's why
00:23:35he can't have cake?
00:23:37It was obviously effective.
00:23:38Leonard grew up to be
00:23:39an experimental physicist.
00:23:40Perhaps if she'd also
00:23:41denied him Christmas,
00:23:42he'd be a little better at it.
00:23:47Well, I love birthdays.
00:23:48Waking up to Mom's
00:23:49special French toast breakfast,
00:23:51wearing the birthday king crown,
00:23:53playing laser tag
00:23:54with all my friends.
00:23:55Yeah, see?
00:23:56That's what kids should have.
00:23:57Actually, that was last year.
00:24:03So, you really never
00:24:05had a birthday party?
00:24:06No, but it was okay.
00:24:08I mean, when I was little,
00:24:09I'd think maybe my parents
00:24:10would change their mind
00:24:11and surprise me with a party.
00:24:12Like, this one birthday,
00:24:13I came home from
00:24:14my cello lesson,
00:24:15and I saw a lot of strange cars
00:24:16parked out front.
00:24:17When I got to the door,
00:24:18I could hear people whispering,
00:24:19and I could smell
00:24:20German chocolate cake,
00:24:21which is my favorite.
00:24:24And?
00:24:25It turns out my grandfather
00:24:26had died.
00:24:28Oh, my God.
00:24:29That's terrible.
00:24:31It was kind of like
00:24:32a birthday party.
00:24:34I got to see all my cousins,
00:24:35and there was cake, so...
00:24:38That's the saddest thing
00:24:39I've ever heard.
00:24:40You think?
00:24:41Go ahead.
00:24:42Tell her about your senior prom.
00:24:46I'm back.
00:24:48I'm sorry I yelled at you.
00:24:50It's not your fault.
00:24:52What happened?
00:24:53Well, I went over to Mike's
00:24:55to make up with him.
00:24:56Yeah, no, I know that part.
00:24:59But he had already moved on.
00:25:01Already?
00:25:02That was quick.
00:25:03That's what I said to the woman
00:25:04who had her legs
00:25:05wrapped around his neck.
00:25:10Oh, Penny, I am so sorry.
00:25:12How could he do that?
00:25:14Well, you know,
00:25:15you did throw an 80-gig iPod.
00:25:18Yeah, no, how could he do that?
00:25:20I swear to God,
00:25:22I am done with guys like that.
00:25:24You know, macho,
00:25:25with the perfect body
00:25:26and the hair and the money.
00:25:28Yeah, that must get old quick.
00:25:31You know, just once,
00:25:33I would like to go out
00:25:34with someone who is nice
00:25:36and honest
00:25:37and who actually cares about me.
00:25:41What about me?
00:25:43What about you, what?
00:25:47What about if you
00:25:48went out with me?
00:25:50Are you asking me out?
00:25:53Um, yes, I am asking you out.
00:25:58Wow.
00:26:01I was just going off your comment
00:26:02about the nice guy.
00:26:03No, I know, I got that.
00:26:04And honest.
00:26:05Yeah, totally.
00:26:06So, but it's no big deal.
00:26:07Yes.
00:26:09Yes, what?
00:26:11Yes, I will go out with you.
00:26:14Really?
00:26:17Yeah.
00:26:18Why not?
00:26:19I mean,
00:26:20what do I have to lose?
00:26:22Yeah.
00:26:25That's the spirit.
00:26:27What you're eating
00:26:28is not technically yogurt
00:26:29because it doesn't have
00:26:30enough live acidophilus cultures.
00:26:32It's really just ice,
00:26:33milk with carrageenan
00:26:34added for thickness.
00:26:35Oh, that's very interesting.
00:26:37I don't know.
00:26:38I don't know.
00:26:39I don't know.
00:26:40I don't know.
00:26:41I don't know.
00:26:42That's very interesting.
00:26:44It's also not pink
00:26:45and has no berries.
00:26:48Yeah, but it doesn't
00:26:49really answer my question.
00:26:50What was your question again?
00:26:52Do you want some?
00:26:55Right, no.
00:26:56I'm lactose intolerant.
00:26:57Right.
00:26:58So gas.
00:26:59Yeah, got it.
00:27:01Well, good night.
00:27:13What are you doing?
00:27:14There's a draft.
00:27:17I don't feel a draft.
00:27:19Why don't we
00:27:20just go into your...
00:27:22Oh, yeah.
00:27:23You know,
00:27:24but maybe we should
00:27:25slow things down a little.
00:27:26No, no, I didn't mean
00:27:27to go into your apartment
00:27:28to go fast.
00:27:29No, I know.
00:27:31I know what you meant.
00:27:32It's just,
00:27:33it was only our first date.
00:27:34Yeah, okay.
00:27:35Sure, no problem.
00:27:36Why don't we just
00:27:37figure out where we're going
00:27:38and we'll just go
00:27:39to your apartment
00:27:40and figure out
00:27:41where we're going
00:27:42and when we want
00:27:43to get there
00:27:44and then rate of speed
00:27:45equals distance over time.
00:27:50Solve for R.
00:27:53Or we could just wing it.
00:27:55That might work, too.
00:27:58Good night, Leonard.
00:27:59Good night.
00:28:05He's coming.
00:28:06Screen saver.
00:28:11Oh, hey, Leonard.
00:28:13How was your date?
00:28:15Bite me.
00:28:17It was an experiment
00:28:18designed by this guy
00:28:19named Schrodinger.
00:28:22From the
00:28:23Charlie Brown cartoons?
00:28:26No, he was some kind
00:28:27of scientist.
00:28:28Let me start again.
00:28:29Oh, hey, Leonard.
00:28:30Hello.
00:28:31Leslie.
00:28:32Hi.
00:28:37Okay, well,
00:28:38good night.
00:28:41That ain't gonna
00:28:42make your point.
00:28:58Okay, okay,
00:28:59that's enough.
00:29:02Call me.
00:29:05Right.
00:29:07Right.
00:29:10Well, okay,
00:29:11good night.
00:29:12Uh, what?
00:29:13I had a great time. Ciao.
00:29:14Do you remember
00:29:15to ask for the chicken
00:29:16with broccoli to be
00:29:17diced, not shredded?
00:29:18Yes.
00:29:19Even though the menu
00:29:20description specifies shredded?
00:29:21Yes.
00:29:22Brown rice, not white?
00:29:23Yes.
00:29:24Did you stop
00:29:25at the Korean grocery
00:29:26and get the good hot mustard?
00:29:27Yes.
00:29:28Did you pick up
00:29:29the low-sodium soy sauce
00:29:30from the market?
00:29:31Yes.
00:29:33You're welcome.
00:29:34What took you so long?
00:29:35Sorry.
00:29:39All right, it's shredded.
00:29:40What do you want me to do?
00:29:44Excuse me.
00:29:48What the hell is wrong with you?
00:29:49I'm helping you with Stephanie.
00:29:50By making constipated
00:29:51moose sounds?
00:29:54When I fail to open
00:29:55this jar and you succeed,
00:29:56it will establish you
00:29:57as the alpha male.
00:29:58You see,
00:29:59when a female witnesses
00:30:00an exhibition of
00:30:01physical domination,
00:30:02she produces the hormone
00:30:03oxytocin.
00:30:04If the two of you
00:30:05then engage in intercourse,
00:30:06this will create
00:30:07the biochemical reaction
00:30:08in the brain,
00:30:09which lay people naively
00:30:10interpret as falling in love.
00:30:14Huh.
00:30:16Would it work
00:30:17if I just punched you
00:30:18in the face?
00:30:21Yes, actually it would,
00:30:22but let's see how the lid goes.
00:30:25I'm not strong enough, Leonard.
00:30:26You'll have to do it.
00:30:29God's sakes.
00:30:30Go ahead.
00:30:31It's pre-loosened.
00:30:35Oh, God.
00:30:46Do you want some help with that?
00:30:47No, no, no.
00:30:50I got it.
00:30:51Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:30:52He's got it,
00:30:53and that's not surprising.
00:30:54This is something I long ago
00:30:55came to peace with,
00:30:56and my role is the beta male.
00:31:00Open it.
00:31:05Ow.
00:31:06Oh, my God.
00:31:07Ow, ow.
00:31:08Are you okay?
00:31:09Uh, no, I'm not.
00:31:10I'm bleeding.
00:31:11Get like a gladiator.
00:31:14Oh, honey,
00:31:15you're gonna need stitches.
00:31:16Stitches?
00:31:17With a needle?
00:31:18Well, yeah,
00:31:19I mean, just a few.
00:31:20Oh, okay.
00:31:22Yeah, hang on a sec.
00:31:26Ahem!
00:31:28Ahem!
00:31:35FYI,
00:31:36I was defrosting a steak in there.
00:31:42I'm sorry.
00:31:43I totally interrupted you.
00:31:44What were you saying?
00:31:47Oh.
00:31:49Right, yeah.
00:31:51So, Stephanie,
00:31:53here's the thing.
00:31:55I really like you.
00:31:56Oh, God,
00:31:57here comes the speech.
00:32:03What speech?
00:32:05I really like you,
00:32:07but maybe we should spend
00:32:08a little less time together,
00:32:10because I need my space.
00:32:11But I'll call you on Tuesday,
00:32:13and then you never call me,
00:32:15so I call you,
00:32:16but you don't call me back.
00:32:17And then,
00:32:18when I run into you
00:32:19at the coffee shop,
00:32:20you pretend like you've been
00:32:21having problems with your voicemail,
00:32:22and I know that you're lying,
00:32:23but I pretend like I don't care.
00:32:26Even though I'm dying inside.
00:32:34No.
00:32:37No, no.
00:32:38I wasn't gonna say any of that.
00:32:40I was just gonna say...
00:32:44I really like you.
00:32:48Oh, good.
00:32:50Because I really like you, too.
00:32:56Terrific.
00:32:59Hmm.
00:33:01The problem appears to be unsolvable.
00:33:03Maybe we could run
00:33:04some computer simulations.
00:33:05There are too many variables.
00:33:07It would take forever.
00:33:08We've gotta be missing something.
00:33:10Let's start again.
00:33:12The movie is playing
00:33:13here at 7.20,
00:33:14here at 7.40,
00:33:15here at 8.10,
00:33:16and here at 8.45.
00:33:18All right,
00:33:19these theaters have to be eliminated.
00:33:21Why?
00:33:22They're state-of-the-art.
00:33:23Digital projection,
00:33:2420-channel surround sound.
00:33:25So they have no icy machines.
00:33:28Despite my aggressive
00:33:29letter-writing campaign,
00:33:30I might add.
00:33:32What about the multiplex here?
00:33:34The seats are terrific.
00:33:35They have Twizzlers
00:33:36instead of Red Vines.
00:33:37No amount of lumbar support
00:33:38can compensate for that.
00:33:41Well, it's gonna take
00:33:42at least an hour to eat,
00:33:43and I don't see a Sheldon-approved restaurant
00:33:45proximate to a Sheldon-approved theater.
00:33:47We could eat after the movie.
00:33:49Unacceptable.
00:33:50The delay would result
00:33:51in tomorrow morning's
00:33:52bowel movement occurring at work.
00:33:55Hang on, hang on.
00:33:56There's a 7-Eleven here.
00:33:58We smuggle Slurpees,
00:33:59which are essentially icies,
00:34:01in under our coats
00:34:02after having a pleasant meal
00:34:03either here,
00:34:04here,
00:34:05or here.
00:34:07Wow.
00:34:08I don't see how we missed that.
00:34:09Excuse me,
00:34:10in what universe
00:34:11are Slurpees icies?
00:34:15That's how we missed it.
00:34:17Sheldon,
00:34:18would you be prepared
00:34:19on a non-presidential basis
00:34:20to create an emergency
00:34:21ad hoc Slurpee icy equivalency?
00:34:23Oh, Leonard,
00:34:24you know I can't do that.
00:34:27Okay,
00:34:28I guess we only have one option.
00:34:29Yep,
00:34:30I don't see any way around it.
00:34:32Bye, Sheldon.
00:34:33See ya.
00:34:41They're right,
00:34:42it was the only option.
00:34:43Your Facebook status update,
00:34:45Leonard Hofstetter
00:34:46is in a relationship.
00:34:48What?
00:34:49No, no,
00:34:50that's not right.
00:34:51Oh, man,
00:34:52did you switch your status
00:34:53before she did?
00:34:56Speaking as an expert,
00:34:57way to look needy.
00:35:00Seriously?
00:35:01You went first
00:35:02after only two weeks?
00:35:03That's...
00:35:04bold.
00:35:05It's not bold,
00:35:06it's a mistake.
00:35:07I didn't change my status.
00:35:09Well, then who did?
00:35:15I had no choice,
00:35:16he cried in front of her.
00:35:20You hacked my Facebook account?
00:35:22Oh,
00:35:23it's hardly hacking
00:35:24when you use the same password
00:35:25for everything,
00:35:26Kal-El.
00:35:28Are you insane?
00:35:30Now she's going to think
00:35:31I'm desperate.
00:35:32You've destroyed
00:35:33this relationship
00:35:34and you want to know
00:35:35the worst part is
00:35:36you don't even understand
00:35:37what you did wrong
00:35:38because you can't conceive
00:35:39of something
00:35:40that you are not an expert in.
00:35:43In which I am not an expert.
00:35:44Don't even...
00:35:48Don't want to hear
00:35:49another word out of you.
00:35:50Boo!
00:35:53What's wrong, Lassie?
00:35:54Timmy fall down the well?
00:35:59Oh,
00:36:00wow.
00:36:01She just updated
00:36:02her Facebook status.
00:36:04Stephanie Barnett
00:36:05is in a relationship
00:36:06with Leonard Hofstetter.
00:36:09Really?
00:36:12Oh,
00:36:13look at that.
00:36:14I have a girlfriend.
00:36:17If I'm permitted
00:36:18to speak again,
00:36:19Dr. Sheldon Cooper
00:36:20for the win.
00:36:23Everyone clear on the plan?
00:36:24Yes.
00:36:25Cthulhu Pali's going
00:36:26to wet himself.
00:36:27I'm going to throw up.
00:36:28Sheldon's going to run away
00:36:29and you're going to die.
00:36:32Can we synchronize
00:36:33our watches?
00:36:35Yes, there are four of us
00:36:36and one of him.
00:36:37Which means his triumph
00:36:38will be even larger.
00:36:41Minstrels will write
00:36:42songs about him.
00:36:44Okay, how about this?
00:36:45I'll do the talking.
00:36:46You just stand behind me
00:36:47and try to look
00:36:48formidable.
00:36:54I should have peed
00:36:55before we left.
00:36:59Yeah?
00:37:04Hi, Kurt.
00:37:05Lenny, right?
00:37:06I don't really go by Lenny,
00:37:07but that's okay.
00:37:10You remember
00:37:11Sheldon, Howard, and Raj?
00:37:13No.
00:37:15What do you want?
00:37:16You don't remember me.
00:37:17How could he not remember me?
00:37:18Sheldon, not now.
00:37:19I remember him.
00:37:21Okay, here it is.
00:37:22Penny's in kind of
00:37:23a financial jam
00:37:24and the money that you owe her
00:37:25would go a long way
00:37:26to solving her problems.
00:37:28And she sent you
00:37:29to get it from me?
00:37:30No, no.
00:37:31She's too proud
00:37:32to ask for the money.
00:37:33I, on the other hand,
00:37:34feel you should honor your debt.
00:37:35You do?
00:37:40Feel is kind of a...
00:37:41It's a strong word.
00:37:43I just...
00:37:44I think it'd be a nice gesture
00:37:45on your part.
00:37:46She'll get it when she gets it.
00:37:52Well, there you go.
00:37:53Problem solved.
00:37:56A successful quest.
00:37:57Now let's find a gas station
00:37:58with a clean bathroom.
00:38:01No, the problem isn't solved.
00:38:03He just blew us off.
00:38:04I've got it.
00:38:06He didn't remember me
00:38:07because the last time we met
00:38:08I was in a Halloween costume.
00:38:12Come on, Leonard.
00:38:13Let's go.
00:38:14No, you can leave if you want to.
00:38:15I'm gonna see this through.
00:38:17Okay.
00:38:24I guess technically
00:38:25that was my fault.
00:38:33I'm not leaving here
00:38:34without Penny's money.
00:38:36What happened to your backup?
00:38:39I don't need backup.
00:38:41I have Wright on my side.
00:38:46And I'm wearing
00:38:47cargo shorts under my pants.
00:38:52Congratulations.
00:38:54You may not have succeeded
00:38:55in getting cash,
00:38:56but you did secure
00:38:57a formal acknowledgement
00:38:58of the debt.
00:39:04Maybe we should have
00:39:05your head notarized.
00:39:08Oh, boy.
00:39:11What?
00:39:12I can't comment
00:39:13without violating our agreement
00:39:14that I not criticize your work.
00:39:17Then what was oh, boy?
00:39:19Great restraint on my part.
00:39:22There's nothing wrong
00:39:23with the science here.
00:39:25Perhaps you mean
00:39:26a different thing than I do
00:39:27when you say science.
00:39:36Okay, how's that?
00:39:38You actually had it right
00:39:39in the first place.
00:39:40Once again,
00:39:41you've fallen for one
00:39:42of my classic pranks.
00:39:45Bazinga.
00:39:52Well, now,
00:39:53here's a peculiar email.
00:39:55The president of the university
00:39:56wants me to meet him
00:39:57in his office tomorrow morning
00:39:58at 8 a.m.
00:39:59Why?
00:40:00Doesn't say.
00:40:01Must be an emergency.
00:40:02Everyone at the university
00:40:03knows I ate breakfast at 8
00:40:04and moved my bowels at 8.20.
00:40:05Yes, how did we live
00:40:06before Twitter?
00:40:10I guess you'll find out
00:40:11what it is in the morning.
00:40:13Well, it's 14 hours away.
00:40:15And for the next 840 minutes,
00:40:16I'm effectively
00:40:17one of Heisenberg's particles.
00:40:19I know where I am.
00:40:20I know how fast I'm going,
00:40:21but I can't know both.
00:40:23How am I supposed to carry on
00:40:24with this huge, annoying thing
00:40:25hovering over my head?
00:40:27Yeah, I know the feeling.
00:40:30You know,
00:40:31I don't know what to do.
00:40:32I don't know what to do.
00:40:33Yeah, I know the feeling.
00:40:35Want to get a little crazy?
00:40:37What are you thinking?
00:40:39I'd slide over to Sheldon's spot
00:40:40and make out.
00:40:44You are a dirty girl.
00:40:49Oh, God.
00:40:50How did he know?
00:40:53Hello?
00:40:54Hi, Howard.
00:40:56Am I interrupting?
00:40:58A little bit, yeah.
00:40:59Guess I should have called.
00:41:01Yeah, maybe.
00:41:04Oh.
00:41:10Tonight's the night
00:41:11I usually go line dancing
00:41:12with Raj at the Palomino.
00:41:16Uh-huh.
00:41:18But he's working with Sheldon.
00:41:19Yes, we know.
00:41:22Want me to leave?
00:41:24You know, whatever.
00:41:26Okay, I guess I can hang
00:41:27for a little while.
00:41:29You really are a genius.
00:41:31Not really.
00:41:33I Googled how to do that.
00:41:38So, listen.
00:41:41Have you ever made a pact
00:41:42with someone?
00:41:44You mean like a pinky swear?
00:41:47Okay, fine.
00:41:48Like a pinky swear.
00:41:50Well, in the first grade,
00:41:51my friend Rosie and I
00:41:52made a pact to marry
00:41:53Bert and Ernie.
00:41:56You know, from Sesame Street?
00:41:57Yeah, I'm familiar
00:41:58with Bert and Ernie.
00:42:01Then we found out
00:42:02we both wanted Ernie.
00:42:03We didn't speak again
00:42:04until middle school.
00:42:06Over puppets?
00:42:08The heart wants
00:42:09what the heart wants, Leonard.
00:42:11Okay.
00:42:13Speaking of
00:42:14what the heart wants,
00:42:16a long time ago,
00:42:17I made a pact with Wolowitz
00:42:19that kind of involves you.
00:42:31Okay.
00:42:32I don't know where
00:42:33you're going with this,
00:42:34but tread carefully
00:42:35because it may be
00:42:36the last conversation
00:42:37we ever have.
00:42:39No, no.
00:42:41Nothing like that.
00:42:42The deal was
00:42:43if either of us
00:42:44ever got a girlfriend,
00:42:45we'd have her fix
00:42:46the other one up
00:42:47with one of her friends.
00:42:49And you thought
00:42:50a good time to bring this up
00:42:51would be right after sex?
00:42:52Well, I sure as hell
00:42:54wasn't going to bring it up
00:42:55before sex.
00:42:58During, I was trying
00:42:59to remember what I read
00:43:00on Google, so...
00:43:04I'm not hooking
00:43:05Wolowitz up with
00:43:06one of my friends.
00:43:07It doesn't have to be
00:43:08a good friend.
00:43:11And you know that
00:43:12deep down inside,
00:43:13Howard's a really nice guy.
00:43:15The problem isn't
00:43:16what's on the inside.
00:43:18It's the creepy candy coating.
00:43:22Will you at least
00:43:23think about it
00:43:24just as a favor to me?
00:43:26The great thing about Ernie
00:43:27was he never asked me
00:43:28for anything.
00:43:31He just gave.
00:43:34The best I can tell,
00:43:35there are eight other
00:43:36campsites nearby,
00:43:37mostly science nerds
00:43:38like us.
00:43:39But just over Yon Ridge
00:43:41are two not unattractive
00:43:43middle school teachers
00:43:44who reek of desperation.
00:43:47Wonderful!
00:43:48How old are they?
00:43:49I don't know.
00:43:5050? 55?
00:43:52Oh, menopause.
00:43:54Nature's birth control.
00:43:57Come on, you guys
00:43:58can't be that hard up.
00:44:00I am.
00:44:01Yeah, me too.
00:44:04They gave me
00:44:05homemade cookies.
00:44:06Of course they did.
00:44:07That's what grandmothers do.
00:44:09So what are we waiting for?
00:44:10Relax.
00:44:11I said we'd stop by
00:44:12a little later
00:44:13after they have their nap.
00:44:15Good idea.
00:44:16They'll be refreshed.
00:44:18Cookie?
00:44:21Mmm.
00:44:24Not bad.
00:44:25Very tasty.
00:44:27So tell me more
00:44:28about these teachers.
00:44:29Not much to tell.
00:44:30They had a VW microbus
00:44:31and were wearing
00:44:32tie-dyed Grateful Dead T-shirts.
00:44:39Good cookies.
00:44:51Stars are pretty, aren't they?
00:44:55Up above the world
00:44:56so high
00:44:58like little diamonds
00:44:59in the sky.
00:45:01That's beautiful, dude.
00:45:05You should write that down
00:45:06before someone steals it.
00:45:08So when do the meteors
00:45:09get here?
00:45:10The meteors don't get here.
00:45:12The Earth is moving
00:45:13into their path.
00:45:15I can feel it.
00:45:16I can feel the Earth moving.
00:45:20It's moving too fast.
00:45:21Raj, slow it down.
00:45:32Okay, how's that?
00:45:35Better, thanks.
00:45:39Stars are pretty, aren't they?
00:45:42Up above the world
00:45:43so high
00:45:44Stars are pretty, aren't they?
00:45:51What's so funny?
00:45:52It's your American accent.
00:45:53Everything you say
00:45:54sounds stupid.
00:45:57Stars are pretty, aren't they?
00:46:04How's your experiment going?
00:46:05Ah, terrific.
00:46:06We're getting the
00:46:07electron accelerator set up.
00:46:08We should be ready to go
00:46:09the day after tomorrow.
00:46:10Boy, I'd love to see that.
00:46:12You're welcome to come.
00:46:13Really?
00:46:14Oh, that'd be great.
00:46:15How exciting is that?
00:46:17Like Hanukkah in July.
00:46:21Did I have that?
00:46:24No.
00:46:26Oh, you got me again.
00:46:31This is a non-fat yogurt.
00:46:33This is fatty, fat, fat.
00:46:36Excuse me.
00:46:37Could you grab me
00:46:38another napkin, sweetie?
00:46:39Sure.
00:46:40Thanks, honey.
00:46:42All right, what is your deal?
00:46:44Excuse me?
00:46:45Inviting my girlfriend
00:46:46to come see
00:46:47your electron accelerator?
00:46:49Yeah, so?
00:46:51Wow.
00:46:52You really are
00:46:53a piece of work.
00:46:55It's not enough
00:46:56you get the prom queen.
00:46:57You have to get the head
00:46:58of the decorating committee, too.
00:47:01What are you talking about?
00:47:02Don't play innocent with me.
00:47:04I practically invented
00:47:05using fancy lab equipment
00:47:07to seduce women.
00:47:08Has it ever worked?
00:47:10Not so far,
00:47:11but that's not the point.
00:47:13Howard, relax.
00:47:14I am not interested
00:47:15in your girlfriend.
00:47:16I hope not.
00:47:17I mean,
00:47:18because you don't want
00:47:19to mess with me.
00:47:26I'm crazy.
00:47:30I believe you.
00:47:31I hope you're hungry, Bernadette.
00:47:33We're going to a terrific restaurant.
00:47:34Oh, yeah, I'm starved.
00:47:36When you spend all day
00:47:37in a bio lab
00:47:38watching flesh-eating bacteria
00:47:39skeletonize small rodents,
00:47:41it really works up an appetite.
00:47:44Flesh-eating bacteria,
00:47:46and yet I still want
00:47:47to kiss this woman.
00:47:48What does that tell you?
00:47:49I know you'd be willing
00:47:50to die a horrible death
00:47:51on the off chance
00:47:52you'd get to second base.
00:47:54We're way past second base.
00:47:56Right, Howard?
00:47:58We kind of disagree
00:47:59about what the bases are.
00:48:03How's your work going, Penny?
00:48:04Any acting jobs?
00:48:06Uh, well,
00:48:07the last big thing I did
00:48:08was this production
00:48:09of Diary of Anne Frank
00:48:10above a bowling alley.
00:48:11But I think things
00:48:12might be turning around
00:48:13pretty soon.
00:48:15Great, how come?
00:48:17Promise you won't
00:48:18make fun of me?
00:48:19Of course.
00:48:20I would never make fun of you.
00:48:22Okay, well,
00:48:23I went to this psychic
00:48:24who told me that
00:48:25if I cut my hair,
00:48:26I'm going to get
00:48:27a national commercial.
00:48:30Seriously?
00:48:31You're getting career advice
00:48:32from a psychic?
00:48:34Good job not making fun
00:48:35of her.
00:48:37She's not one of those phonies,
00:48:38okay?
00:48:39She wrote a book
00:48:40and has her own website.
00:48:41Oh, gee,
00:48:42why didn't you say so?
00:48:43They don't just let anyone
00:48:44have a website.
00:48:46Why are you being such a jerk?
00:48:48You're surprised
00:48:49your psychic didn't tell you
00:48:50I was going to be a jerk?
00:48:52Bite me.
00:48:55Come on, Penny.
00:48:56Why don't you kids
00:48:57go ahead and chat?
00:48:58We're going to make out
00:48:59back here.
00:49:01I'm sliding into third.
00:49:04You could always learn
00:49:05more about why people
00:49:06who believe in psychics
00:49:07are idiots, Leonard.
00:49:13Oh, we don't need
00:49:14to talk about that anymore.
00:49:15Leonard covered it
00:49:16pretty well in the car.
00:49:18I'm sorry,
00:49:19but facts are facts.
00:49:21Right, and if you
00:49:22can't understand it,
00:49:23it's not a fact.
00:49:24No, if it's not a fact,
00:49:26it's not a fact.
00:49:27Oh, got it.
00:49:28Thank you for educating me.
00:49:29You're welcome.
00:49:32How's your fish?
00:49:33Amazing.
00:49:34Would you like to try some?
00:49:35Yeah, sure.
00:49:36Well, the fact is,
00:49:37you can't.
00:49:39Come on, Howard, Bernadette,
00:49:40you're both scientists.
00:49:41Just help me out here.
00:49:43What do you think?
00:49:44Want to jump right in the middle
00:49:45of another couple's argument?
00:49:46Yeah, thank you.
00:49:50Maybe we should just
00:49:51stop talking about this.
00:49:52Maybe some of us
00:49:53should stop talking
00:49:54about this.
00:49:55Stop talking about this.
00:49:56Maybe some of us
00:49:57should stop talking
00:49:58all together.
00:50:00How's everything tonight?
00:50:01Really uncomfortable.
00:50:04Backdoor has a five-pin
00:50:05tumbler system,
00:50:06single-circuit alarm,
00:50:07child's play.
00:50:09And you can start sorting
00:50:11protons and neutrons
00:50:12while I build carbon atoms.
00:50:15No, I don't think so.
00:50:16We need to go home now.
00:50:18But I'm still working.
00:50:20If you don't come out of there,
00:50:21I'm going to have to
00:50:22drag you out.
00:50:23You can try,
00:50:25but you'll never catch me.
00:50:30For God's sakes!
00:50:37Joey, come here!
00:50:39Bazinga.
00:50:43Bazinga.
00:50:46Bazinga.
00:50:49Bazinga.
00:50:51Bazinga.
00:50:54Bazinga.
00:50:59Joey, come here!
00:51:02Bazinga.
00:51:11Bazinga.
00:51:16Bazinga.
00:51:18Bazinga.
00:51:23Bazinga.
00:51:28Having a little trouble
00:51:29catching your breath there?
00:51:32No, no, I'm good.
00:51:34If my PE teachers
00:51:35had told me this is
00:51:36what I was training for,
00:51:37I would have tried
00:51:38a lot harder.
00:51:41Do or do not,
00:51:42there is no try.
00:51:47Did you just quote
00:51:48Star Wars?
00:51:51I believe I quoted
00:51:52Empire Strikes Back.
00:51:57Oh, my God!
00:51:59I'm lying in bed
00:52:00with a beautiful woman
00:52:01who can quote Yoda.
00:52:08I love you, Penny.
00:52:23You're welcome.
00:52:26I just want to
00:52:27put that out there.
00:52:28Oh, yeah, no.
00:52:29I'm glad.
00:52:31Good.
00:52:32Glad is good.
00:52:33Yeah.
00:52:35No.
00:52:36Um...
00:52:39So...
00:52:41It's getting pretty late.
00:52:42We should probably
00:52:43go to sleep.
00:52:44Yeah.
00:52:45Okay.
00:52:46Yeah.
00:52:47Probably.
00:52:48Okay.
00:52:49Good night, sweetie.
00:52:50Good night.
00:52:53I've been seeing Penny
00:52:54behind your back.
00:53:01Okay.
00:53:05When you say
00:53:06seeing Penny,
00:53:07what exactly
00:53:08does that mean?
00:53:10We had dinner last night.
00:53:12She made me spaghetti
00:53:13with little hot dogs
00:53:14cut up in it.
00:53:16Fine.
00:53:17Why did you have
00:53:18dinner with Penny?
00:53:19I told you she made spaghetti
00:53:20with little hot dogs.
00:53:21I like spaghetti
00:53:22with little hot dogs.
00:53:24Then why did you have
00:53:25Chinese food with us?
00:53:27I didn't want to upset you.
00:53:29Howard made it very clear
00:53:30that my allegiance
00:53:31should be to male comrades
00:53:32before women who sell
00:53:33their bodies for money.
00:53:38Is it possible
00:53:39he said bros before hoes?
00:53:42Yes, but I rephrased it
00:53:43to avoid offending the hoes.
00:53:44Thank you so much
00:53:45for opening up
00:53:46your home to me.
00:53:47Well, who wants to stay
00:53:48in a hotel
00:53:49with windows that don't open,
00:53:50those crazy
00:53:51card-shaped keys?
00:53:52I'm so glad
00:53:53you understand.
00:53:54No, he doesn't understand.
00:53:57I understand.
00:53:58I understand, too.
00:53:59You're just
00:54:00misappropriating
00:54:01my understanding.
00:54:04I think any university
00:54:05would want you.
00:54:06Except, of course,
00:54:07any university
00:54:08that had already had you
00:54:09because they would have
00:54:10already wanted you
00:54:11before they, you know,
00:54:12got you.
00:54:15From the mind
00:54:16that brought you Hilo.
00:54:20Let me show you
00:54:21to your room.
00:54:22All right.
00:54:23I guess I am tired.
00:54:24Good night, Leonard.
00:54:25Uh, sleep night.
00:54:26I mean, obviously,
00:54:27good night.
00:54:28I started to say
00:54:29sleep tight,
00:54:30then I changed my mind
00:54:31in the middle.
00:54:32I swear to God, I'm smart.
00:54:36Get it together, ma'am.
00:54:38Nice to meet you.
00:54:39Nice to meet you, too.
00:54:40Are you enjoying your stay?
00:54:41Yes, very much.
00:54:45Good.
00:54:48Excuse me.
00:54:51Okay, well,
00:54:52I guess I should get dressed
00:54:53so I can take everyone
00:54:54to work.
00:54:55You and Sheldon
00:54:56and Sheldon's friend
00:54:57Dr. Plimpton
00:54:58who you just met.
00:54:59It'd be fun.
00:55:00Like a clown car.
00:55:02Hang on.
00:55:03Yeah, what, huh?
00:55:05We just broke up.
00:55:06You and me?
00:55:07Yeah, we did
00:55:08not too long ago.
00:55:09How you doing with it?
00:55:11Not as good as you,
00:55:12apparently.
00:55:13I don't follow.
00:55:14You know what?
00:55:15It's none of my business.
00:55:16If you want to sleep
00:55:17with Sheldon's doctor buddy
00:55:18right after we stop
00:55:19seeing each other,
00:55:20go for it.
00:55:21Well, now...
00:55:22Excuse me.
00:55:23I'm uncomfortable
00:55:24with you recommending
00:55:25that Leonard pursue
00:55:26having intercourse
00:55:27with Dr. Plimpton
00:55:28who I assure you
00:55:29has better things to do.
00:55:31I'm not recommending it.
00:55:32I'm saying
00:55:33it already happened.
00:55:34That's preposterous.
00:55:35Tell her, Leonard.
00:55:38Well...
00:55:43No.
00:55:45Oh, come on.
00:55:46It wasn't my fault.
00:55:47The implication being
00:55:48that you somehow tripped
00:55:49and fell into her lady parts?
00:55:54You know what?
00:55:55I'm just going to take
00:55:56the bus to work.
00:55:57Penny, I can still drive you.
00:55:58Oh, no, no.
00:55:59It's okay.
00:56:00You might slip on a banana peel
00:56:01and get me pregnant.
00:56:04I must say
00:56:05I am shocked
00:56:06by this betrayal.
00:56:07I didn't betray Penny.
00:56:08Not Penny.
00:56:09Me.
00:56:11How am I betraying you?
00:56:12Elizabeth's my friend.
00:56:13And you're playing with her.
00:56:19Yeah, I guess I did.
00:56:23Yes?
00:56:24Uh, I'm Leonard Hofstetter.
00:56:26I called you about the apartment.
00:56:27You said to come by...
00:56:28I know what I said.
00:56:29I know what you said.
00:56:30I know what my mother said
00:56:31on March 5th, 1992.
00:56:34What is the sixth noble gas?
00:56:36What?
00:56:37You said you're a scientist.
00:56:38What is the sixth noble gas?
00:56:40Uh, radon?
00:56:43Are you asking me
00:56:44or telling me?
00:56:46Telling you.
00:56:51Telling you.
00:56:52All right.
00:56:53Next question.
00:56:54Kirk or Picard?
00:56:56Oh, uh,
00:56:57well, that's tricky.
00:56:58Um,
00:56:59original series
00:57:00over Next Generation,
00:57:01but Picard over Kirk.
00:57:04Correct.
00:57:06You've passed
00:57:07the first barrier
00:57:08to roommatehood.
00:57:10You may enter.
00:57:12Oh, this is pretty nice.
00:57:21Uh, the bedrooms are back there?
00:57:23That depends.
00:57:24I don't understand.
00:57:25Their existence is conditional?
00:57:28No, but your ability
00:57:29to perceive their existence
00:57:30is conditional on you
00:57:31passing the second
00:57:32and third barriers.
00:57:34There's three?
00:57:35Each more daunting
00:57:36than the last.
00:57:39Have a seat.
00:57:40Okay.
00:57:42No, that's where I sit.
00:57:45Excuse me,
00:57:46but I've been working
00:57:47on this a long time.
00:57:48Trust me, it'll work.
00:57:49You don't see your mistake,
00:57:50do you?
00:57:51There's no mistake.
00:57:52This is for a full-scale rocket,
00:57:54not a model.
00:57:55Well, I've adjusted
00:57:56the formula.
00:57:57Not correctly.
00:57:59Okay, I've had it with you.
00:58:01You might be an expert
00:58:02on theoretical physics
00:58:03and science fiction programs
00:58:05and where to sit
00:58:06on a freaking couch,
00:58:07but this is applied physics.
00:58:09And when it comes
00:58:10to applied physics...
00:58:11Uh-oh.
00:58:13What's happening?
00:58:14A bad thing.
00:58:15A very bad thing.
00:58:16Get the door.
00:58:17Get the door.
00:58:18Get the door.
00:58:19Get the door.
00:58:20Get the door.
00:58:31You're waiting
00:58:32for the elevator?
00:58:33Oh, right.
00:58:35Wait, it's here.
00:58:36It's here.
00:58:41Give me that.
00:58:46What'd you do that for?
00:58:47I had plenty of time.
00:58:54You're welcome.
00:58:56Oh, hi.
00:58:57What's going on?
00:58:58We're up on the roof
00:58:59bouncing laser beams
00:59:00off the moon.
00:59:01I'm sorry, what?
00:59:02It's pretty cool.
00:59:03We've got a two-meter
00:59:04parabolic reflector
00:59:05I thought you might
00:59:06want to see it.
00:59:07That makes no sense.
00:59:09How can you bounce
00:59:10stuff off the moon?
00:59:11There's no gravity.
00:59:14Uh, Leonard,
00:59:15this is Zach.
00:59:16Zach Leonard.
00:59:17Hey.
00:59:18Sorry, I didn't know
00:59:19you were busy.
00:59:20Maybe another time.
00:59:21Yeah, maybe.
00:59:22Hey, I want to see
00:59:23this laser thing.
00:59:24Oh, but what about
00:59:25the party?
00:59:26It's a surprise party.
00:59:27It doesn't matter
00:59:28when we get there.
00:59:29Oh, right.
00:59:30Okay, while we're out,
00:59:31come on up.
00:59:36So, how'd you guys meet?
00:59:37My company designs
00:59:38the venues for
00:59:39the Cheesecake Factory.
00:59:41Your company?
00:59:42Well, my dad,
00:59:43but me and my sister
00:59:44are VPs.
00:59:46So,
00:59:47menus.
00:59:48I know it sounds easy,
00:59:49but there's a lot of science
00:59:50that goes into designing them.
00:59:56I can do it.
00:59:57She can do it.
00:59:58I can do it.
00:59:59She can do it.
01:00:00I can do it.
01:00:01I can't do it.
01:00:02I can't do it.
01:00:04Hello?
01:00:06Oh, uh, hi.
01:00:07Hi, Leslie.
01:00:10Leonard Hofstadter.
01:00:11What are you doing here?
01:00:12Well, uh, I know.
01:00:13It's been a while.
01:00:14Yeah, 18 months.
01:00:16Right.
01:00:17Right.
01:00:19So, how you doing?
01:00:21Fine.
01:00:22You?
01:00:23Uh, not bad.
01:00:25You remember
01:00:26when we used to have sex
01:00:27and you said that
01:00:28it didn't mean anything
01:00:29and it was just for fun?
01:00:30Yeah.
01:00:31Yeah?
01:00:33Do you want to do that again?
01:00:37What happened?
01:00:38Blondie dumped you?
01:00:39She didn't dump me.
01:00:40We were just in different places
01:00:41in the relationship.
01:00:43Right.
01:00:44Um, anyway,
01:00:45apparently,
01:00:46it's okay to go back
01:00:47to people you're no longer seeing
01:00:49and have recreational sex with them.
01:00:51Uh-huh.
01:00:53So, what do you say?
01:00:55Let me think about it.
01:01:01She's not coming back.