Malcolm In The Middle Season 1 Episode 11 Funeral
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00:00A lark whose notes do beat
00:01The vault-y heaven so high above our head
00:06I have more care to stay than will to go
00:09Come death and welcome
00:12Yes, he nailed it!
00:19Malcolm, that was wonderful
00:25So sensitive and full of passion
00:30It was just beautiful
00:31Before you say anything, just remember we're best friends
00:41So that wheelchair isn't going to stop me from kicking your ass
00:45Bring it on, homeo
00:49Yes, no, maybe
00:52I don't know
00:56Can you repeat the question?
01:01You're not the boss of me now
01:03You're not the boss of me now
01:06You're not the boss of me now
01:08And you're not so big
01:11You're not the boss of me now
01:14You're not the boss of me now
01:17You're not the boss of me now
01:20And you're not so big
01:23Life is unfair
01:26What do you mean what happens when you die?
01:33You're dead
01:34That's it
01:35Well, honey, that's not quite true
01:39Actually, son, after death your body undergoes a fascinating series of changes
01:44First it bloats up like a balloon
01:47Then shrivels like a raisin
01:50Then tiny microbes you can't even see but are on you right now
01:54Start to devour your flesh
01:57And return all the elements in your body back to the soil
02:00Now, some people will tell you that your hair keeps growing
02:05But that's, that's a myth
02:07It's actually your head that shrinks
02:10Now, go get ready for Aunt Helen's funeral
02:12Julie, listen
02:19I'm sorry I'm canceling out so late
02:21That's okay
02:22I mean, it's a funeral
02:24So, were you close with your aunt?
02:27No, but I guess my mom was
02:29She keeps saying how important this is
02:32Anyway, I'm really sorry
02:34Especially since you're stuck with the extra ticket
02:36Well, that's okay
02:38Maybe I'll ask Jimmy to go
02:39Who's Jimmy?
02:41Jimmy Lascott
02:42He plays football
02:43Bye
02:43Oh, yeah, life's fair
02:49Did you call that girl?
02:52Yes, I called her
02:54I called her and told her I couldn't go to the concert
02:56And now she's probably going to invite someone else
02:59Well, Malcolm, I'm sorry that my mother's sister
03:03The woman who took care of me every day after school
03:06Had to die
03:07And inconvenience your social life
03:10She does it on purpose
03:13I could have made up a million different escape plans
03:16But now my brain is filled with mom guilt
03:20Who's this?
03:33How should I know?
03:35Hal?
03:37Beats me
03:38Dewey!
03:40Is this a friend of yours?
03:45Uh-huh
03:46Who is he?
03:48I don't know
03:48What's your name, son?
03:57Egg
03:57Did he say Greg?
04:00I thought he said Craig
04:01His name is Egg
04:04Egg?
04:06I named him
04:07Well, you can't keep him
04:08He needs to go home
04:10Okay?
04:11Okay
04:11This stinks
04:16Whether it's a wedding, funeral, or court date
04:19These family gatherings are always the same
04:22I can't wait till I get zits
04:32At least then I can fight back
04:35Hal, you have to get ready
04:38Why are you still messing around with those record albums?
04:41I thought I was going to spend today in the garage
04:43Listening to them on my quadraphonic
04:45But now that we're going to the funeral
04:47I have to reseal the shrink wrap
04:49Hal
04:50I'll hurry, okay?
04:51I have to get my speech ready anyway
04:53Honey, you know you don't have to talk at every funeral we go to
04:57Phew
04:57I wish that were true
04:59You see how people look to me when they ask if somebody has a few words to say?
05:03They're not looking to you
05:04They're looking at you
05:05Two at what's the difference
05:08Hello?
05:14Hey mom, I'm just warning you
05:16Someone claiming to be the commandant might call you soon
05:19She's just got on the hall
05:20Just play along, pretend you believe him, he's totally homeless
05:24Francis, I really can't talk to you right now
05:26We're on our way to Aunt Helen's funeral
05:28Aunt Helen died?
05:30Well, I sure hope so
05:32We're going to her funeral
05:33Well, when did she die?
05:35Mom, why didn't anybody tell me?
05:37Well, honey, we didn't want to have to worry over nothing
05:40Nothing?
05:41She's dead
05:41How's Uncle Fred taking it?
05:44Well, I don't think he's thought too much about it
05:45He died about two months ago
05:47What?
05:47Francis, I'm sorry
05:49I really have to go
05:50Here, talk to your brother
05:51Mom
05:52Hello?
05:56Alright, let's see it
05:57I can't breathe
06:00Fine
06:01You know the drill
06:03Upgrade
06:04See?
06:15Problem solved
06:17Hello?
06:18Hello?
06:19Oh
06:20Okay, well you can wear one of the suits that Uncle Fred left you
06:25Oh, Mom, a dead suit?
06:28Cool
06:30A dead suit
06:32Dewey
06:36Why didn't you help your little friend find his way out?
06:40I did
06:41It keeps coming back
06:43This thing's an open casket, right?
06:51I think so, why?
06:53Because
06:53I'm gonna stash this with Aunt Helen
06:56Stomped
06:57What is that?
06:58It's a mighty man
06:59Mom and Dad had it in the back of their closet for some reason
07:02It's Dewey's birthday next week
07:04This is his present
07:05Oh
07:07What'd you do to it?
07:09I stomped on it
07:10Why would you do that?
07:13Look, I don't know why I do the things I do
07:16I just know I don't want to get caught
07:18That's why Aunt Helen is getting a new friend
07:21You're gonna bury that with her?
07:23You are so dead
07:24Hey, I watch the lawyer shows
07:26Mom will think I did it
07:28But she can't prove it without this
07:30It's in the Constitution
07:31No evidence
07:33No conviction
07:34E pluribus unum
07:36Oh, yeah
07:45Oh, Annie
07:46Hey, you know, I finally found my joke cards
07:48For some reason they were behind the water heater
07:50Really?
07:52Hey, how's this?
07:53A priest, a rabbi, and Uncle Fred
07:55Oh, Aunt Helen
07:57Are playing golf with St. Peter
07:59Hell, please
08:00Hey, have you seen my pun file?
08:03It's in a box marked Laughter Thoughts
08:05Laughter Thoughts?
08:15How did she die?
08:17Cats ate her face
08:18Dewey, I think you're confused
08:19I'm asking about Aunt Helen
08:21Cats ate her face
08:22Look, would you just put Mom or Dad on the phone?
08:26Hello?
08:27Dad
08:28What happened to Aunt Helen?
08:30Cats ate her face
08:32Well, here
08:32Dewey knows more about it than I do
08:34Mom
08:37I hate wearing Reese's hand-me-downs
08:40Look at this
08:41Jelly in the pockets
08:44The fly's broken
08:45And it smells like wet dog
08:48Well, you should be glad he only wore it once
08:50You know
08:52I'm trying to be there for Mom
08:54But the annoyances are starting to outweigh the guilt
08:57I'm this close to sneaking out of the whole thing
09:00Well, I suppose you're entitled to complain
09:04After all, it's only my Aunt Helen
09:07What is she, a mind reader?
09:11And then there are amps on her bones
09:13And the police came
09:15Dad, listen
09:16Can you think of anything that rhymes with cadaver?
09:19Dad, how long is this funeral going to take?
09:21Including traveling time?
09:23All day
09:24I know, I know
09:26But remember, it'll make your Mom happy
09:28Mom really loved Aunt Helen, huh?
09:31Oh, God, no
09:33Your Mom hated her
09:34What?
09:36She hated her?
09:37Mmm, everyone did
09:38Horrible woman
09:40I used to have to forbid her from calling here
09:43Because she always made your Mom cry
09:44I can't believe Mom tricked me like that
09:47I'll tell you one thing
09:49I now consider myself totally free
09:52To ditch this funeral
09:53I gotta call Julie
09:55Hello?
09:58Malcolm
09:59Thank God, somebody I can talk to
10:02Sorry, I have to make a call
10:03So, your Aunt's not dead?
10:13No
10:14It turned out to be one of those comas
10:16Where they think you're dead
10:17And they put you on the embalmer's table
10:19And you wake up at the last second
10:21It was a close call
10:23Uh, okay
10:25I guess we'll pick you up at two
10:27Great
10:28I figure I'll commit to it first
10:31And come up with a plan later
10:33I always think better under pressure
10:35Or
10:37Easy when I'm not under pressure
10:39Oh, well
10:40Too late now
10:41I'm ready to go
10:44Hey
10:45You're taking a backpack to the funeral?
10:49My back gets cold
10:50Fair enough
10:52Look, Frances
10:55I guess I get scattered
10:56You know, sometimes I forget what I told you
10:58And you're not here
10:59So I don't
11:00I'm not there because you sent me away
11:02I swear
11:03I'm not even a part of this family anymore
11:06Frances
11:06It's very important that you understand
11:08That is not true
11:10But I don't have time right now
11:12I understand
11:13It's not like it's a matter of life and death
11:16Oh, wait, it is
11:17Anyone else die in the last five minutes
11:20I should know about?
11:21Frances
11:22You want to know everything that's been happening?
11:24Your father mowed the lawn
11:25Reese polished off all the cereal
11:27And I dropped a frying pan on my foot
11:29And I got a big black pole
11:30You want me to send a picture?
11:36Egg
11:36Cut it out
11:37Who is Egg?
11:40Oh, he's a new boy in the house
11:41What?
11:45Okay
11:45It'll only hurt for a second
11:47And I'll get out of the funeral
11:49I can tell Julie a really cool story
11:53About how I got my black eye
11:54I am so gutless
12:01Why are you taking so long?
12:05Let's go
12:06Reese, listen
12:07I know it sounds crazy
12:09But I need you to hit me
12:11Oh!
12:12You idiot
12:13In the eye!
12:15I leave a mark for mom to see
12:17Forget it
12:19No bruises
12:20No evidence
12:22No crime
12:23I guess we move on to plan B
12:29Lying
12:31What book report?
12:33I just remembered
12:33I have a big book report due tomorrow
12:36And I haven't even started reading it
12:38Standard technique
12:40You volunteer a small crime
12:42To distract them from looking for the big one
12:44So, what's the report on?
12:47Tale of two cities
12:48Hmm
12:49How many words?
12:50750
12:51Was that on your assignment sheet?
12:53No, it's an addendum
12:54When did you get that?
12:55Thursday
12:55I didn't bring it home
12:57That's why I forgot to do the assignment
12:58Ooh, nice one
13:00Well
13:02I suppose if it's schoolwork
13:04That's the mislead
13:06Wait for the reverse
13:07Tale of two cities
13:10Who's that by?
13:11Charles Dickens
13:12Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo
13:15No, it's Dickens
13:16Is that the one with Jean Valjean?
13:18That's Les Miserables
13:19No, no
13:20Isn't tell it just cities
13:22The one with Jean Valjean
13:24Where he says
13:24It's a far, far better thing I'd do
13:27Right before he steals a loaf of bread?
13:29No, Sidney Carton says that
13:30Right before they behead him
13:32I thought you hadn't read it
13:33What?
13:36No, I said I hadn't written it
13:38And when is it due?
13:39Tomorrow, I told you
13:40On Les Miserables
13:41Yes
13:42No
13:43It's on tell us through cities
13:45Which you haven't read yet
13:46Right
13:47But you just said you did
13:48No
13:50I said I didn't
13:52And then you said
13:53It was Thursday and
13:55Look, I just don't want to go to this stupid funeral
13:59There's no reason for me to go
14:01And I want to go to the concert with Julie
14:03Let's go, let's go
14:05I'll be waiting in the car
14:06Malcolm
14:08I am ashamed of you
14:10Wanting to deny your poor Aunt Helen her due
14:13No, that won't work on me
14:15Because I know you didn't love Aunt Helen
14:18You hated her
14:19Of course I hated her
14:20What does that have to do with anything?
14:22What?
14:22Malcolm, this isn't about love
14:24It's about family
14:25We have a duty to this family
14:27And we are darn well gonna do it
14:29But why?
14:30It's not fair
14:31You can't just stick the word family in front of something
14:35And turn everyone else into slaves
14:37It makes no sense
14:39No one liked this woman
14:41So why do we have to pretend like we did now?
14:44What good will it do anybody?
14:48Pal?
14:50I got nothing
14:51I could really use some support here
14:54Excuse me
14:55I am being incredibly supportive
14:57I'm giving up my entire day for this thing
15:00And you don't hear me complaining
15:02Hell, it was a bunch of old record albums
15:05It's not like you're giving up something important
15:07Well, they're important to me
15:09You people, I can't believe you
15:12I asked you to do one thing that
15:14You're not asking
15:15You're ordering
15:16After all I do for this family
15:22I cook, I clean, I speckle, I plunge
15:26And none of it means anything to any of you people
15:28And the one time I ask you for something
15:31Something that I shouldn't even have to ask you for
15:34And all I get are complaints
15:36What about me?
15:42Hmm?
15:43You think I want to be cleaning out the gutters
15:45When I could be surfing the beaches of Europe
15:48Or cruising around on my hog?
15:51What hog?
15:52Ah!
15:53Exactly
15:53Where's my hog?
15:55Where do you think you're going?
15:58I have had it
16:00From now on
16:01No one has to do anything
16:02We can all just do whatever we want
16:05And I want to take
16:06A bubble bath
16:08Fine
16:09So that's a yes on the concert?
16:17Are you going to be in there all day?
16:37If I feel like it
16:38Fine
16:39Just so you know
16:40When I'm done in the garage
16:41I'm using the bathroom
16:42Whether you're in here or not
16:44Mom
16:49I think we should go to Aunt Helen's funeral
16:51I mean
16:52She was a good woman
16:54It's the least we can do
16:55I don't know what you're trying to pull, Reese
16:57But I don't like it
16:59Am I the only one that cared about her?
17:01Yes
17:01You're the good one
17:02Enjoy your moment in the sun
17:04Now get out of here
17:05This is me time
17:07Hey, Reese
17:11Which one stinks more?
17:15It's your problem
17:17You couldn't keep your big mouth shut
17:19Until after the funeral
17:20Now I have to wait for another relative to die
17:23To bury this thing
17:24It could be weeks
17:25You'll think of something
17:27No I won't
17:28You have good ideas all the time
17:31But for me
17:32This was special
17:33Hey
17:35You can't leave this mess here
17:37I've got a guest coming over
17:38Too bad
17:39Thanks to you
17:40No one has to do anything anymore
17:43It's anarchy, baby
17:45That's the word, right?
17:47Um
17:54Mom
17:56I was just wondering
17:59If you could wash his shirt for me
18:01You must be joking
18:05But you're the only one
18:06That knows how to use the washer and dryer
18:08Without getting shocked
18:09Please
18:11Well
18:12Since you said please
18:14Here you go
18:22All washed
18:23I think you've been in the garage long enough
18:32Okay
18:36Gosh
18:39No
18:42No
18:43No
18:43No
18:43You are going to get your own habit
18:45Okay
18:48Here we go
18:49Okay
18:52Okay
18:54Here we are
18:55Come on
19:06Come on
19:09Gotcha
19:12No
19:18Not my problem today
19:20Hand me that loofah
19:48He wants juice
19:52Go get your own juice
19:53You said I'm not supposed to
19:56You're right
19:57Okay
20:00From now on
20:00You are officially old enough
20:02To get your own juice
20:03Hoof
20:04I'm stuck in the middle with you
20:06I'm stuck in the middle with you
20:10And I'm one with you
20:13Darm it
20:14Darm it
20:15Darm it
20:17Darm it
20:18Darm it
20:21Darm it
20:22Mom
20:23I spilled
20:24So
20:26Clean it up
20:28Green apple soap
20:41Girls like green apples
20:44Right
20:44Oh man
20:48She got my pants wet too
20:49To the right
20:52Here I am
20:54Stay in the middle with you
20:56Is Malcolm here?
21:03Huh?
21:03Is Malcolm here?
21:05Huh?
21:06Malcolm
21:07Malcolm
21:29Malcolm
21:29Julie, nothing!
21:39Oh my god, are you okay?
21:55I just wanted to be nice!
21:56People told me not to get up here at all!
21:58But I thought they were just being silly!
22:01Julie, I'm sorry!
22:03Things aren't usually like this!
22:05Just give me a minute and I'll be ready to go!
22:07I don't want to go anymore!
22:09Just leave me alone!
22:18How could you ever see me in my underwear?
22:25Mom, this has gone too far!
22:27You have to do something!
22:29It's not supposed to be like this!
22:31We're not supposed to injure my friends!
22:34We're not supposed to let people see me in my underpants!
22:37We're supposed to be there for each other!
22:40Like when a family member dies and we're supposed to go to their funeral?
22:43I'll be in my room!
22:45I'll be in my room!
22:46I'll be in my room!
22:47Then she slid into the trash and ran off!
23:03I swear, this whole family is falling apart!
23:07Oh, yes!
23:09I knew this moment would come!
23:11They don't have their scapegoat around, so everything goes to hell!
23:15No one realized that I'm the one who held this family together!
23:18Without me to blame everything on, they don't know what to do with themselves!
23:23A scapegoat?
23:24Thanks!
23:24Mom think...
23:25He's right!
23:27This family needs a scapegoat!
23:29I started this, so I should be the one to end it!
23:45I did a terrible thing today!
23:48I tore this family apart, and I'm really sorry for that!
23:53But, it's not half as bad as what Reese did!
24:03Oh my God!
24:05I want you!
24:07Was this Dewey's present?
24:09Present?
24:10Reese, how could you?
24:12Do you know how expensive this was?
24:14Hell!
24:15I'm on it!
24:16It was a terrible thing to do to your little brother!
24:19There's more!
24:20He was gonna bury it with Angela!
24:22You were gonna make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man?
24:28Mighty Man?
24:29I can't believe you!
24:31This is a whole new low, Reese!
24:34First of all, this is all circumstantial!
24:37I don't know how that thing got in my backpack!
24:40As for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would have done at that funeral, because
24:45we're not going!
24:46Who says we're not going?
24:48You did!
24:49Well, you can guess again!
24:51You are gonna march right up to that coffin and apologize to that poor dead woman!
24:55We all are!
24:56All right!
24:57Everyone in the car as is!
24:59We'll have to drive creatively, but we might make the end!
25:02Let's go!
25:03Chop, chop!
25:04Here we go!
25:06Egg!
25:07Cut!
25:08Aunt Helen used to say,
25:18Aunt Helen used to say,
25:20Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone!
25:25And, uh, by the looks of today's turnout, I could see it wasn't just an idle threat.
25:31Yeah, Francis, your father's getting a speech, and that's actually kind of good.
25:35Can I get my phone back?
25:37I'm almost done, sweetie.
25:39Oh, Aunt Helen looks just lovely.
25:42You turn right back around, mister!
25:46You'll never guess what Reese did.
25:48Well, it's been a pretty productive day.
25:51I made Julie Hoorman hate me.
25:54Reese is gonna kill me the second we get home.
25:56And right now, Aunt Helen is personally bad-mouthing me to God.
26:03You want some more water, Uncle Louie?
26:05Sure.
26:08I need someone to put in a good word for me.
26:26Thank you, man.
26:34I'll see you next time.
26:38Bye!
26:40Bye!
26:44Bye!
26:47Bye!
26:50Bye!