8 Out of 10 Cats. S02 E04.

deaddogsmoking
deaddogsmoking
  • 2 months ago
First broadcast 3rd March 2006.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer

Alan Carr
Sally Phillips
Chris O'Dowd
Meera Syal
Transcript
00:00Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, Funny Girl Sally Phillips, Funny Boy Alan Carr, and their
00:29captain, Dave Spikey. And facing them tonight, from number 42, it's Mira Sayal. He's in with
00:39the IT crowd, Chris O'Dowd. And their captain, John Locke. Now, here's your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:56Welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics. Did you know, for
01:01example, snails can sleep for three years without eating? Of course, at the end of it, they are dead.
01:08200 babies are born worldwide every minute, so if you've just had a baby, whatever, you have a one
01:15in 10 million chance of being killed by a champagne cork. Good news, let's celebrate. Let's get started.
01:26What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round. We've teamed up with a leading polling
01:33organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week. It's
01:37our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points. OK, Sean's team,
01:42what have the nation been talking about this week? I don't know, Michael, surely. He was found slumped
01:46at Marble Arch roundabout, and to be fair to him, that is a very tough roundabout to get off.
01:50I've been at that roundabout just going, oh, sod that, son. But I think in some ways, it's a metaphorical roundabout for him.
02:03One way, it's to go back to his clean-cut pop image. Another way is to carry on having sex
02:07in toilets with strangers, taking loads of drugs. And then the other way is the edge of a road.
02:14The thing I thought was funny was they said they found some sex toys in his boot,
02:17and I thought, that's probably jump leads. Apparently, though, you know when they opened up
02:22the boot and found the sex toys, the gimp mask and the gay porn, he said he was off to a Lib Dem
02:28fundraiser on Hampstead Hill. He was slumped unconscious at the wheel, and they couldn't
02:33rouse him. They couldn't rouse him? They couldn't rouse him. If that happens, have a cuddle, and
02:37then try again in half an hour. I mean, he's sort of following the Pete Doherty school of driving,
02:44which is just get in a car and just get nicked. I don't know, who the hell insures Pete Doherty?
02:50How does he get car insurance? Well, he said to the police, he said,
02:54I'm not that much of a junkie anyway, didn't he? Maybe that's how he got car insurance.
02:57Not too much of a junkie. The other weird thing about Pete Doherty is he's the fattest
03:00heroin addict in the world. What's he cutting it with? Utterly butterly.
03:09Right, well, let's have a look and see whether George Michael is in our top five most talked
03:12about things. Yes, it is. People were talking about George Michael's drug bust. George Michael
03:20couldn't believe his luck when a man in uniform walked up to his car, knocked on the window,
03:24and said, excuse me, sir, would you mind blowing into this? George Michael spent yesterday caged
03:29in handcuffs and leather restraints, being brutalized by a police truncheon. He's relaxing
03:33at home. What else has the nation been talking about this week? Fat kids. Sorry, childhood
03:41obesity, I meant. Childhood obesity, I meant. Well, they've had this government, they've had a body
03:45appointed, Ben. They've been working 31 experts for 18 months. They're saying, we don't know what
03:48it is, don't know what the causes are, nutrition, exercise. What it is, is fat, lazy parents. Get
03:52off your fat arse and get the kids out playing in the park. Yeah, down the park with the pedos,
03:56that's the best for kids. I think they should leave the fat kids alone. Why make them do sport
04:01if they don't like it? They should do something they like, like double crisps. I think we should
04:06reintroduce into the country coyotes, because fat kids travel with fat parents. It's their fault
04:14that you get these herds of dobbers, these fat families. And if we had coyotes picking off the
04:18stragglers... Have you considered a career in politics? It does seem odd that they did a big
04:24report into the blindingly obvious. Five quangos for the obese kids. And quangos are like 5% fat.
04:32They're going to have health warnings now on crisps. It says, oi, fatty, have a banana.
04:40Hasn't McDonald's shut down 25 restaurants this week? Didn't they? They shut them down,
04:45yeah, but sadly there's some fat people in, they're like, yeah, lock in.
04:53Obese children were not one of the most talked about things this week. Chris, Sean, Meera?
04:57The pay gap between men and women, that they've done some survey that over a working career,
05:03a woman will earn a million pounds less than a man. So they're not taking into account all the
05:07extra money you make at bingo? Yeah, obviously. There's no point paying us any more though,
05:14because we would just waste it, wouldn't we? We would. Chocolate, see-through knickers.
05:19Definitely motivated, aren't we, men and women? I think you've all been paid with money to come on
05:25this show. Meera and I have just, there's a room full of baby seals at the back that we've been
05:30puzzling before we came on, and then the producer came into the dressing room and
05:34complimented me for an hour and a half on my frog.
05:39Thank you. You want to go clubbing later?
05:43The baby seals. Yes, I know, I got that.
05:50It's hardly surprising women earn less. With that story in the week about the air hostess,
05:54did you see that story? There's an air hostess on a Virgin flight, a bit of turbulence, she went,
05:57we're all going to die, it's going to crash, we're all going to die.
06:01Normally people complain about a lack of information, don't they?
06:09Now, whether you're on two Bob and a dozen eggs.
06:13Two Bob and a dozen eggs. You really understand women.
06:18What gets me about this report is it's women undermining women, because they're basically
06:23saying they're picking the wrong jobs and stuff, because there was actually a woman who said it,
06:26Baroness Margaret Prosser, and I quote, she said women in full-time work earn 13% less per hour,
06:32or something like that, I'm a bit dismayed.
06:35Well, one of the things that did come out of the report is the fact that it's the type of jobs
06:38that women go into. They're given bad careers advice. The five C's. The five C's, yeah.
06:42What is it? Caring? Caring, cashiering? Cheerleading?
06:46Target? Is it calling into the X Factor?
06:55It's catering, cleaning, cashiering, clerical work, and caring.
07:00Like nursing. That's a tough job, nurse, going from pub to pub, taking your clothes off.
07:09Also, there's a thing, I saw this thing, there's a way women can earn extra money.
07:12Did you see this thing at Heathrow Airport? They're giving people, if you work at Heathrow
07:16Airport and you find a bomb, you get 50 quid. Yeah.
07:23I believe it's M&S vouchers. M&S vouchers.
07:25M&S vouchers. You can get yourself some new knickers while you shit yourself.
07:37Isn't that just their job, though? Yeah, but they're incentivising them.
07:41Oh, incentivising them with gift vouchers.
07:43As if you didn't have that, a bomb would go past and you'd go, fuck it.
07:47I want an hourly rate, what is the point?
07:51You know that thing they say, if you leave your bags unattended,
07:54your luggage will be taken away and destroyed? That's the job I want.
07:58I imagine there's a big long room at Heathrow and there's some luggage at the end,
08:02and me at the other end with a bazooka.
08:06And I'll blow it up and there's just sun cream and knickers going everywhere.
08:09I don't want vouchers. I want that job.
08:20Let's have a look and see whether women's pay is one of the most talked about things.
08:23Yes, it is.
08:27Dave, over to you, what else have the nation been talking about?
08:30Is it that Lib Dem man? They've got a leader now, haven't they?
08:33Ming Campbell, and apparently they voted for him because it'd stop all the sex scandals,
08:39which I hope so, because he's 87, and he doesn't even look like he can get it up,
08:44let alone stick it in a rent boy.
08:52Just think about what you're applauding.
08:56The thing that gets me is, why does he call himself Ming when it's Menzies?
09:01And he said that, because it's Menzies, it's M-E-N-Z-I-E-S,
09:03and he said, oh, in the Celtic language, we don't mention the Z.
09:08I'm thinking, well, you're in the English language now.
09:10I didn't know we could make our own language up.
09:12Do you know what I mean?
09:13It's like me saying, oh, well, I'm going to add an E on it and call him Minge.
09:19But the reason I haven't got a vacancy, though, is because Charles Kennedy
09:22had to stand down because he admitted he was a recovering alcoholic.
09:25And it only became more apparent was when he found out that his chief advisor was called
09:29Lord Razzle.
09:33He said, shall we discuss foreign policy?
09:34Ah, forget it, Charlie.
09:37Start spreading the news.
09:40Let's have a look and see whether the Lib Jams are one of the most talked about things this week.
09:44Yes, they are.
09:49When Liam Campbell was announced as the new leader,
09:51Charles Kennedy was the first to toast the news.
09:53Although, to be honest, that was just a happy coincidence.
09:57OK, fingers on buzzers.
09:58What else have people been talking about this week?
10:00There was a small story that David Beckham couldn't do his son's maths homework.
10:04His son's six.
10:05That's not maths.
10:06That's sums, isn't it?
10:08If he's having trouble with sums, he's got a problem with problems.
10:10You know, proper problems.
10:12Like, if it takes two men with one bucket three days to fill a bath,
10:15how long does it take three men with two buckets?
10:17So that's a...
10:18Turn the fucking taps on.
10:21Why have they only got one bucket?
10:22Why have they only got one bucket?
10:24That's just a bad organization.
10:25Why are three men having a bath together?
10:29That wasn't one of the big talking points this week.
10:30David Beckham was in the news this week
10:32because he couldn't help his six-year-old son with his homework.
10:35Beckham said,
10:36I may not be good at maths, but in my defence,
10:38I am worth literally hundreds of pounds.
10:41Anyone else got any other stories?
10:43Is it the robbery?
10:44The robbery's still going on.
10:45Yes.
10:46They've arrested some fella, a car dealer from Kent.
10:49They do say they had some fantastic pictures of him in the paper with a stripper,
10:52but there's one where he's drinking out of a shoe.
10:55It's great.
10:55And you think, you're supposed to be the mastermind,
10:58the criminal mastermind,
10:59but he's drinking vodka out of a shoe.
11:02Yeah, I'm Mr. Big.
11:05They said it was done with military precision.
11:06They always say there's military precision,
11:08which basically means they all had a watch.
11:12They all went,
11:13Blimey, is that a 5x7?
11:15The photo fits were quite ridiculous, weren't they?
11:17Did you see those?
11:18They disguised the photo fit as policemen.
11:21With beard and without beard.
11:22Did you see that?
11:23He looked like the construction worker from the village paper.
11:26I was sitting there watching VH1,
11:28and I was like...
11:34He's with an Indian.
11:36Clap it, Tom.
11:40There he was.
11:43Well, shall we have a look and see whether the heist was the most talked about thing this week?
11:47Yes, it was.
11:49The heist was the number one talking point this week, once again.
11:52Police have arrested John Fowler.
11:53If found guilty, it'll be the biggest theft by a Fowler,
11:56since Arthur stole the Christmas Club money.
12:00One more thing to guess.
12:01Any ideas?
12:03Abu Hamza's son is a rapper?
12:06His son is a rapper?
12:07Where can I buy these records?
12:08Does his dad scratch on them?
12:16Not one of the most talked about things, but it was a news.
12:18Okay, you've got one more to get.
12:19Fingers on buzzers.
12:20What else have the nation been talking about?
12:22We think it might be the trial with the Da Vinci code,
12:25where the authors of, is it the Holy Blood and the Holy Grail,
12:28are accusing Dan Brown of plagiarism on the historical reference book
12:32about Jesus and the Holy Grail.
12:34Two books are from 1982, aren't they?
12:36The Holy Book and the Holy Grail.
12:38And the judge told the jurors to use that as clues, the 1982.
12:42And I'm thinking, those of you who haven't read the Da Vinci book,
12:45when the killer gets hit over the head with that Betamax video,
12:50his horse is landing in that soda stream.
12:52I mean, the clues are there, you know.
12:57I have not read the Da Vinci code.
12:58I've read the other one.
12:59I've read Holy Blood and Holy Grail.
13:00And basically, it's a dopehead's conspiracy, paranoid.
13:04Like, people sit there and go, wow.
13:06So like, Jesus, that's Elvis.
13:08Right, wow.
13:10Imagine that.
13:11And he married like a hooker or something.
13:14And after a while, you just go, this is just ridiculous.
13:17How far did you get in that book before you went this?
13:19About an eighth.
13:23Let's have a look and see whether the Da Vinci code is in the top five.
13:32Yes, it is.
13:3445% of people have been discussing the Da Vinci code court case.
13:37The book reveals that in Leonardo da Vinci's painting, The Last Supper,
13:40the character to the right of Jesus is not a man, but in fact, his wife.
13:44They can tell that because you can see very clearly,
13:46she hasn't ordered any chips, but she's eaten most of his.
13:49Well, at the end of that, I can tell you that Sean, Mira, and Chris have three points.
13:55Dave, Sally, and Alan have two points.
13:58Join me after the break, and we'll be finding out the best way to be happy.
14:12Welcome back to Eight Out Of Ten Cats.
14:13The next round is called The Poll With A Hole.
14:15We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present, from around the world,
14:18and unearthed some fascinating facts.
14:20Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information,
14:23so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
14:25Here's your first question.
14:26In the 1940s, 25% of men what?
14:29Had my nan in an Anderson shelf.
14:34She flattened some grass, didn't she?
14:37Is it 25% of men ate a diet of only powdered egg and weasels?
14:42Weasels?
14:4325% of men who fought for our freedom and our future rights didn't realise,
14:4960 years later, all the thanks they'd get would be
14:52happy slapping and pushing dog shit through the letterbox.
14:57Well, Alan, all I've got to say to that is stop it.
15:01In the 1940s, 25% of men wore knitted swimming trunks.
15:05They never had proper swimming trunks then, did they?
15:07They just used to knit them, didn't they?
15:08You used to go paddling off the coast of Blackpool,
15:11and your trunks would be three foot behind you.
15:13Ah, for the scampi.
15:18It's a little kind of moral depravity.
15:21Were having affairs?
15:22It's not having an affair. It's, I think, morally worse than that.
15:25Murdered.
15:26We say it's worse than having an affair.
15:28Just trying, I mean, that might be a bit of a leap.
15:31Visited hookers?
15:33Correct.
15:34That's the right answer.
15:37Yes, in the 1940s, 25% of men slept with prostitutes.
15:41It sounds bad, but have a look at your gran.
15:43Can you blame them?
15:5075% of Russians are afraid of what?
15:52Is it Virginia Wolfski?
15:57I wish it was.
15:59It's texting.
16:00They've got to take their gloves off, haven't they?
16:04People try to text with their gloves on.
16:06You end up trying to say something like,
16:07Hi, how are you?
16:08And you end up saying,
16:09Fuck, it's back at Bugs Bob, mate.
16:12Is it KGB?
16:13It's not the KGB. It's related to that.
16:16B&Q?
16:18B&Q is not related to the KGB.
16:20They were never...
16:22TBC?
16:24No, no, no.
16:25CBeebies.
16:28Correct.
16:30It's one of the emergency services.
16:32The AA?
16:35Is it the police?
16:35Yes, it is the police.
16:38Yes, 75% of Russians are afraid of their own police force.
16:42The other 25% are missing.
16:43Shh, say nothing.
16:46Don't upset the Russians, Jimmy.
16:48Don't upset the Russians, because they've got all the gas.
16:50They could phone up Power General and say,
16:52Don't give him any gas.
16:54And they'll do it.
16:55You know what the irony will be?
16:56They won't be annoyed at the joke.
16:57They'll be annoyed at that accent.
17:00OK, the average Brit has lost 37 what?
17:0437 hours of their life explaining the internet to an old person.
17:13It's like a big...
17:14What, like an encyclopaedia?
17:16Yeah.
17:17Another cup of tea and a biscuit.
17:21Is it Twix's?
17:24I've never lost a Twix. It was a guess.
17:27Imagine if you'd lost 37 of them, though.
17:29You'd stop buying them, wouldn't you?
17:32What are you going to have? Mars bar, Twix?
17:34I'm not having Twix. Keep doing it.
17:36I like the way it's a badge of honour.
17:37You said, I've never lost a Twix.
17:4137 elderly relatives to Errol Shipman.
17:51I'll give you a clue.
17:51They're round and shiny.
17:52They have a hole in them.
17:54Women?
17:54Are you single by any chance?
18:04CDs is the right answer.
18:07Yes, the average Brit has lost 37 CDs.
18:10So at the end of that round, it is four points for Sean's team
18:12and six points for Dave's team.
18:17And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
18:19I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls
18:21and it's up to our teams to buzz in and tell me
18:22who or what they think came top.
18:24Here is your first one.
18:25Most embarrassing thing that can happen to a girl on a night out.
18:29Is it being given a handful of ping pong ball,
18:31shown the stage and said, hey, the show's about to start?
18:36I met a girl in Thailand that could do that.
18:38I still won.
18:42Is it shouting out, I want babies, by mistake?
18:45That's bad on a first date.
18:46That's quite bad, isn't it?
18:48While walking through a hospital.
18:52Is it ending up in a taxi with Darren Day?
19:01That's a taxi ride home.
19:02That's a long-term relationship.
19:05I reckon it's falling asleep on the submarine
19:08and waking up in the Ascension Islands.
19:15Looking through the porthole.
19:17That's a bad night.
19:18Is it at the end of the evening when you've gone back to,
19:21a whole load of you have gone back to a friend's house
19:23and it's all got a bit boring.
19:25Saying, well, it will shave all her hair off.
19:29And then being the only one that does it,
19:30but actually not minding because you think that
19:32when they feel your hair, they're going to go,
19:34all the boys are going to go, oh, that's so soft.
19:35It feels like a little chick.
19:37And then actually, when it's done,
19:39your hair is so coarse and rough that it feels like a beard,
19:43you know, and you've then got a beard
19:45on the back of your head for four years
19:47and no one will go out with you.
19:49Is it that, or is it being sick in someone's mouth?
19:55I think the thing about it is people are so shameless now.
19:58It's very, very little like embarrassed.
19:59Like a couple of hundred years ago,
20:01it'd be like leaving your glove in a gentleman's carriage.
20:04Shame.
20:07Is it eating somebody else's doormat?
20:09I took my wife out and I went and got a place in a cafe
20:12and she went and got two cups of tea and a KitKat.
20:14And then she carried them back to the table
20:16and we sat down there.
20:18And we were chatting and the guy opposite, right,
20:20he got a KitKat and he opened it and he had a piece like that.
20:24And we both went like that.
20:26So she got his doorknob and he was having it like that.
20:28I went like that.
20:33And I went, she had some jam on her nose, right?
20:35And I went, she had some jam on her nose.
20:36So she went in a bag for a hand kit and her KitKat was there.
20:44That's quite embarrassing.
20:45It's something that might happen to you in a toilet.
20:48Is the toilet paper coming out?
20:50I'll give you that.
20:52Yes, the most embarrassing thing that can happen to a girl
20:54on a night out is getting toilet paper stuck on her shoe.
20:56Next one.
20:57Least popular musical instrument.
21:00Is it George Michael's horn?
21:04Is it the haunting sound of the panpipes?
21:07You know when you're shopping and you just hear that...
21:10Shit, is there anybody left in Peru?
21:12Oh!
21:15Is it the communal nose flute?
21:18No, but it should be.
21:19It should be.
21:20Is it a kiddie fiddle?
21:26You, we've got to watch you, haven't we?
21:29It's an orchestral instrument.
21:31Is it the oboe?
21:33The oboe is four.
21:34Bassoon.
21:35Bassoon, yes.
21:36Oh, well done, how did you know that?
21:38Yeah.
21:40The least popular musical instrument is the bassoon.
21:42The word for someone that plays the bassoon is a bassoonist.
21:45A word you might use in the sentence,
21:46will someone tell that bassoonist to shut the fuck up?
21:51Okay, best way to be happy.
21:53To eat a banana sideways.
22:01Is it to get your own teen tune?
22:04So when you're just walking down the street
22:06and somebody plays it behind in the background...
22:15It's more of a theme noise.
22:19My grandad used to say I'm as happy as a dog with a tin dick.
22:24Mind you, if he saw a girl he liked, he used to say,
22:26I know what she wants, two cakes and a bun.
22:30Is it repeatedly shocking yourself in the head
22:32with quite powerful electric current?
22:36You do seem very chirpy.
22:39Is it getting to the toilet just on time?
22:42It's hard to leave it too long, don't they?
22:43Because you're trying to find something to read.
22:45You're walking like Douglas Bairdy,
22:46your colon's going to rip but you can't find anything to read.
22:49Oh, Bella, thank you, God.
22:52When we're twins separated at birth,
22:53found each other 65 years later,
22:55wearing the same cardigan.
22:59I think I may have to tell you this one.
23:00The best way to be happy is having a genetic propensity
23:03towards happiness.
23:04Right, that sound tells me it's the end of the round
23:07and the end of the show,
23:07which means the final scores are seven all.
23:10Everyone's a winner.
23:11Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
23:13and to all of you for watching at home.
23:14That's it from us.
23:15Good night.
23:20DIY-esque apology with the seven stupidest things
23:22to escape from at 10.35.
23:25Next, dark thoughts and mad monkeys.
23:28We're off to the shrink with the It crowd on four.