First broadcast 7th July 2006.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Trisha Goddard
Alex Zane
Justin Moorhouse
Emo Philips
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Trisha Goddard
Alex Zane
Justin Moorhouse
Emo Philips
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, comedy legend, Emo Phillips.
00:26Coming up from Pop World, Alex Zane.
00:30And their captain, John Locke.
00:34And facing them tonight, chat show queen, Trisha Goddard.
00:39Funny guy, Justin Morehouse.
00:43And their captain, Dave Spikey.
00:47Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:54Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats,
00:58a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
01:00Did you know, for example, there are enough cows in the world
01:03to make 7,000 Big Macs for every American?
01:06We're going to need more cows.
01:09Glaciers cover 11% of the Earth's surface.
01:12Sorry, 10%. Sorry, 9%. Goodbye, Stanglia.
01:17And eating carrots every day dramatically reduces your chances
01:20of having a stroke, unless you're a rabbit.
01:24Let's get started.
01:32What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:35We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation
01:38and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:41It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
01:44Sean, Emo, Alex, what have the nation been talking about this week?
01:47Is it the World Cup, about the fact that England aren't in the World Cup anymore?
01:50They're lost.
01:51No, you were there, Sean. We saw you on TV.
01:53I know.
01:54You should be closer.
01:56Yeah, I took one of the penalties.
01:59That's why we lost.
02:00I scored.
02:03Rudy got sent off and he said he didn't tread on someone's bollocks,
02:07which he did. It's pathetic, really.
02:10He said, I didn't do it deliberately.
02:12He's talking about it like there's a bit of grainy CCTV footage.
02:16There's 24 high-definition cameras pointing at him and showing him going...
02:24I mean, it's not his fault. The main culprit is Sven,
02:27who was a complete charlatan, incompetent fool, manager,
02:30didn't really give a shit about England, just liked the money.
02:34In fact, I don't think he should ever be able to set foot on the shores of this country again.
02:37He should be kicked up the arse...
02:41...all the way to Dover.
02:43Just kick him up the arse all the way to Dover
02:45and then, there's no ferries, kick him all the way to Heathrow.
02:48And bring back Hanging, that's what I'd say.
02:51John Moxon said, we're approaching injury time, we've got ten men,
02:55I wonder what's going through Sven's mind.
02:57Up-nose, none of us know that, do we?
02:59It showed a picture of him and he turned to McLaren and he looked down the bench
03:02and if you were to put a voiceover on the picture it would be like,
03:05who is that young boy on the bench?
03:07It's baby Theo, you brought him.
03:09Did I really?
03:10Back to me word search.
03:13Now, Emo, you're a huge football fan, I sense.
03:16Do you ever play baseball?
03:18Once I... once... oh, this is cute.
03:22Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat.
03:27Both his arms were completely broken,
03:30which is what gave me the courage.
03:37That's the story.
03:38England aren't in the World Cup anymore.
03:40Well, let's see if it's there.
03:45Yes, sad news, England are out of the World Cup,
03:48but good news, half-price flags!
03:51On their return to England, the team were driven through London
03:54on an open-top bus, under a series of low bridges.
04:00Dave, Trisha and Justin, what have the nation been talking about?
04:02We've had this heatwave, an official heatwave,
04:04or as one daily paper said, killer heat.
04:09Killer heat, but luckily enough,
04:10they print these tips and advice inside the papers.
04:13Thank God, cos we'd never think of stuff like that, would we?
04:16Drink water.
04:17Drink water.
04:18Drink water.
04:19That's why I'm thirsty, it's something to do with the heat.
04:22These weather warnings, they're stupid, aren't they?
04:24Come on, they say, today, weather warning.
04:26It's hot, look outside!
04:28But then, to be fair, they say it's for the vulnerable people,
04:30it's for babies and it's for old people.
04:32So I'd like to know if I can do a weather warning for my nana.
04:35Take your fucking coat off!
04:39Why is hot weather such an excuse for such excrable clothes?
04:43Well, not everyone looks crap in a bikini, Trisha.
04:50I'm sorry, what was that?
04:54Cos he was being a moose.
04:56He was being a moose?
04:57No, a moose is like this.
05:05Emo, you're from California, it's always hot there.
05:07Yeah, I go to the beach.
05:09You know, I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
05:15It's very calming and spiritual, isn't it?
05:17It is, but nothing's like...
05:19I was off the coast of Florida on my uncle's boat
05:23and I said to my sister, you've got to go in the ocean, it's wonderful.
05:27She said, I told you, I'm having my period.
05:31You know, she takes all the fun out of shark fishing.
05:38Hot, hot, hot!
05:43Right, well, that's your answer. Is it one of the top five?
05:46Yes, it is.
05:48Yes, this week Britain was as hot as the Caribbean,
05:51yeah, and just as chilled out and relaxing.
05:54Pensioners have been advised to stay indoors between the hours of one and three,
05:58so if you want to go to the post office, that is the best time.
06:01Sean, Emo and Alex, what else have the world been talking about this week?
06:05The Geordie woman who recovered from a stroke only to get a Jamaican accent.
06:09It is a brilliant story.
06:11Yeah, I don't think it's a major problem for her.
06:13You know, she goes on with her life, every now and again she goes,
06:15bong, bong, diddly, diddly, whoa!
06:18Apart from that, it hasn't been a major problem.
06:20There might be a woman in Jamaica waking up today going,
06:23fucking no, why aye?
06:27It could be a lot worse, she could have an Australian accent.
06:30That's the Australian with that rising inflection all the time.
06:33Going, I'm going down the shops.
06:37I was in Sydney about a year ago and I heard someone actually sneeze
06:39with a rising inflection.
06:41It's like going, achoo!
06:51I love Australia.
06:53I was there about a couple of years ago,
06:56I was there, I was watching my career go down the drain in the opposite direction.
07:04One of the things we have on our show a lot of the times,
07:07I go up to somebody in the audience who's blonde-haired, blue-eyed,
07:10and then they start talking like that init man, you know, wicked.
07:14And I said to this guy once, I said, why are you talking like that?
07:18I'm black and I'm not bloody talking like that.
07:21What are you talking like that for?
07:23He was giving his view and said, you know, bring it on.
07:25Is this? Oh, were you saying init?
07:27No, they say init.
07:29They say init.
07:30You could not cut it in the ghetto, Jimmy.
07:32I couldn't cut it in the ghetto?
07:33You could not cut it in the ghetto.
07:35Get out of me face, bitch.
07:43OK, well I can tell you that the Geordie woman with the Jamaican accent
07:46isn't in the top five.
07:47OK, Dave Steen, what else have the nation been talking about this week?
07:49It might be this North Korean bloke who's in charge of North Korea,
07:52Kim Jong Il, and they've launched all these missiles, test missiles,
07:55six were successful but one wasn't.
07:57It's like, was it bomb fire?
07:59Was it like that last rocket that is just going to go off and it falls over like that
08:02and everybody's going, shit, get out the way.
08:06He's brilliant, the leader.
08:07He's got the best propaganda in the world.
08:09He's got his press release, he's just the best.
08:10It says that in his first ever game of golf, he got ten holes in one.
08:14Yeah, he's probably crazy golfing it.
08:17He's mental.
08:18Well, they launched the missiles to get America's attention
08:21and I just think that would be brilliant.
08:24If as a child you wanted attention, just launch the missiles.
08:27I wish I had a bedroom full of missiles.
08:29Just go, mum, mum, mum, no?
08:34Mum!
08:35Yeah, now, that's right.
08:38OK, that's your answer.
08:39Is it up there?
08:41Yes, it is.
08:45What else have the British nation been talking about this week?
08:48I think they've probably been talking about,
08:50John Prescott's got in trouble again.
08:53Apparently he's been visiting a ranch in America
08:56owned by a billionaire who's interested in turning...
08:59Is it the Millennium Dome?
09:01It's a casino and it says it's...
09:02And he didn't put it in a register,
09:04he didn't say, I went on holiday at this bloke's house.
09:06But there's other suggestions of impropriety,
09:08although we can't comment until the inquiry has fully cleared him.
09:12He said he wanted to go to a ranch.
09:13Did you say ranch or ranch?
09:15Ranch.
09:16Ranch!
09:17He doesn't say it like the rest of them.
09:20He wanted to go to a ranch because he likes cowboy films.
09:23I imagine the poor horse saw him coming and went...
09:25Oh, for fuck's sake.
09:29Do you think he has to go now?
09:31Well, he eats so much meat,
09:32at some point in the day he's got to have to go.
09:35He looks like he hasn't gone for about ten years.
09:37He's got that complexion of a man who hasn't had a good crap for years.
09:42Just meat everywhere, his blood's like pate.
09:47He squeezes it round his body like toothpaste.
09:51Shall we have a look and see if Prescott and the casino
09:53is one of the top five talking points this week?
09:57Yes, it is.
09:58Yes, John Prescott has been criticised for his relations
10:01with an American casino tycoon.
10:03It shouldn't be too hard to sell the idea of gambling
10:05to a man who leaves the door open
10:07while he shangs his secretary on the table of the cabinet office.
10:12OK, fingers on buzzers, one more thing to get.
10:15Big Brother.
10:16I mean, not that...
10:17Do you watch it?
10:18I've just seen bits.
10:19There's a woman who looks really old but she's got massive tits.
10:21She was on our show first, about 18 months ago.
10:23You must be so proud.
10:24I am.
10:25This was on your show?
10:26Yeah.
10:27Because I saw Leah's first performance.
10:28I don't think they can put that out in daytime.
10:35She is weird looking though, isn't she, Leah?
10:37She looks like a wax model halfway through a stage of melting.
10:41Do you fancy her?
10:42Yeah, I love it, I love that look.
10:44Do you like women with the zeppelin sort of stuff going on?
10:47Do you like all that?
10:48No, I like a woman who's full of helium.
10:50Though...
10:51So yes, in many ways I do like a zeppelin-based woman.
10:53So you like women naturally?
10:54No, I just like them to hover slightly off the ground.
10:58I think she looks like the result of a sort of a Muppet bus crash.
11:03Imagine there was a bus like the Muppets and they crashed.
11:06And they got out of the wreckage and they got this thing out and they pulled all the fur off and there she'd be.
11:11Have you been watching the new housemates go in?
11:13I was going to watch it but I had all this sweetcorn I had to glue back onto a cob.
11:21How long that takes.
11:25Let's have a look and see if Big Brother's there.
11:31Yes indeed it is.
11:32Lia was so worried about the abuse she'll get when she leaves the house,
11:35she's insisting on going everywhere with two massive bouncers.
11:41So at the end of that round I can tell you that Sean's team have two points and Dave's team have three points.
11:50The next round is called the poll with a hole.
11:52We've looked through hundreds of surveys past and present from around the world and unearthed some fascinating facts.
11:56Unfortunately each statistic is missing one salient piece of information.
12:00So it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
12:02OK, Sean's team.
12:0330% of millionaires are worried about what?
12:06Robin Hood and his merry men.
12:11Helping their new wives with their homework.
12:20The admiring glances of Heather McCartney.
12:25You're kind of close with that, in a funny sort of way.
12:27It's security related.
12:30Their partner is a security guard.
12:3330% of millionaires are worried about being stalked.
12:36What's that got to do with Heather McCartney?
12:38He's a fucking stalker.
12:39I guess he's only got one leg but that couldn't be called a stalking.
12:42Oh!
12:47Yes, 30% of millionaires are worried about being stalked.
12:50I haven't got a stalker but I have got a lady who sends me pants in the post.
12:53Thanks, Mum.
12:5619% of Brits have been angry with someone who what?
13:00Who has book teeth and a Portuguese accent.
13:04He's on deal or no deal.
13:06I'm taking it too seriously.
13:08I'm getting a hot feeling from the box.
13:12You're 48, you're on the change, it's a flush.
13:16Anger's no good.
13:17Anger is no good.
13:18You'll notice, Tricia, anger's no good.
13:19It's non-productive.
13:21You're best off using that energy, twatting them.
13:25How it really annoys me is when people discover vegetables that look like someone famous.
13:29And they send a picture into the paper.
13:31And they say, you know, this looks a bit like Natasha Kaplinsky, doesn't it, this aubergine?
13:37I just wonder what goes through their head when they find the vegetable.
13:40They just go, oh, my God.
13:44I'm going to have to give you the answer to this.
13:4519% of Brits have been angry with someone who upset them in a dream.
13:50Confucius said, how do you know you're a man dreaming you're a butterfly and not a butterfly dreaming you're a man?
13:55How do I know I'm not a butterfly, you daft twat?
13:57I drove here.
14:01So at the end of that round, it's three points for Sean, Emo and Alex.
14:04And four points for Dave, Tricia and Justin.
14:07Join me after the break when we'll be finding out who has a higher pain threshold, men or women.
14:23Welcome back to Eight Out Of Ten Cats.
14:25The next round is called Believe It Or Not.
14:27In this round, I give the panellists a simple statement.
14:29And all they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
14:32Sean, Emo and Alex, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
14:36Right, that's the wallpaper on all parts of the room now.
14:51Now, Joe, can I just, I'd love to show you something here.
14:54Because lots of people don't realise what else you can do with wallpaper.
14:58This dress, this attractive dress that Joe's wearing, that is wallpaper.
15:03You can do lots of other things with it too.
15:05I do know some people who have wallpapered the television set.
15:09This is quite attractive.
15:11But the thing to remember there is that you take the plug out before you do anything like this.
15:19That was a DIY show from the 1960s.
15:21Your related statistic.
15:22Every week, 4,000 Britons are hospitalised through DIY accidents.
15:26Is that true or false?
15:28I've never met anyone who's been involved in a DIY accident.
15:30Or even heard a story about someone who's been involved in a DIY accident.
15:33Yeah, but you move in the right circles to hear the DIY stories.
15:36I've built stuff.
15:38Yeah?
15:39What have you built?
15:40Nothing.
15:44How about the woman who marries you?
15:46Why?
15:47Because you don't, what do you do then?
15:48I'm an attractive prospect, Tricia.
15:52Are you good around the house, Emo?
15:54No, my lightbulb burns out, I sell the house and move.
15:59I bet Dave does DIY, you look kind of a DIY guy.
16:01No, I don't, and I think that's probably, you know, people do get hospitalised,
16:04because men are generally shit at DIY.
16:06The ones who are good at DIY do it for a living, basically.
16:08Why are men on this planet?
16:10If you cannot put out the rubbish, how can you DIY?
16:12Okay, okay.
16:13Why are you here?
16:14Bridges, roads, hospitals, everything you can think of that's ever been invented.
16:24Western civilisation, in short.
16:26But, Sean, if we don't give you a little bit of house, your father,
16:29never mind about building...
16:31How's your father?
16:32How is it way back there in the 50s?
16:35I try to be polite on the television.
16:38Have you seen your show?
16:41Never mind building civilisations, you can't last two days without a bit of sex.
16:45Listen, you shelf whore.
16:48You're putting out, is your house just covered in shelves?
16:52Every time I put one out, she puts up.
16:56He can do a bit of DIY.
16:58Can he?
16:59Yeah.
17:00I bet his shed's fantastic.
17:01His shed is great.
17:02He's got an amazing shed at the garden.
17:03Yeah.
17:04With a combination lock on there, a drawbridge.
17:09In the shed, he's got a gun turret.
17:13No!
17:14Not in the shed!
17:16Yeah, just stuff!
17:20Okay, so every week, 4,000 Brits are hospitalised through DIY accidents.
17:24Is that true or false?
17:25False.
17:26I think it's an absolute scandal, that statement.
17:29It's foul calumny.
17:31It's absolute nonsense.
17:32Proper cock.
17:33Absolute bulldozer.
17:34What are you saying?
17:35Just give me an answer.
17:36No.
17:37You're saying no?
17:38You're saying it's false?
17:39Yeah.
17:40Yeah, I'm saying it's false.
17:41I can tell you that the answer is in fact true.
17:42No!
17:434,000 Brits are hospitalised each week through DIY accidents.
17:46I once had a serious DIY accident.
17:48The phone rang while I was using a nail gun.
17:51OK, Dave, Tricia and Justin,
17:53let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
18:02What the hell?
18:03I'll take care of this.
18:04Look, buddy, I don't know who you are,
18:07but I'm going to kick your ass!
18:09Your ass!
18:19What are you doing with my wife?
18:21What?
18:22She's not your wife, mister!
18:23Shut up, Anna.
18:24Look, that's it, man.
18:29Help!
18:40APPLAUSE
18:43That's the best episode of Lovejoy ever.
18:46Here is your related statistic.
18:4864% of men believe they have a higher pain threshold than women.
18:52Is that true or false?
18:54You don't get colds, do you? You get the flu.
18:56Yeah, well, that's not pain, is it?
18:57Pain's like getting your dick caught in your flies.
19:00That's real pain.
19:01No, real pain is giving birth.
19:03It's like, as Diana Ross once told me,
19:05it's like shit in the fridge.
19:07I read a couple of posts and I've seen some doctors and surgeons
19:09who said the most painful thing that a woman can have done
19:11is having their nipples clamped.
19:13And I thought, no, having them torn away has got to be worse.
19:18But I think, actually, having said all that,
19:19women do have a higher pain threshold,
19:21cos they go through all sorts of stuff just to feel and look good.
19:24It is all painful stuff you put yourself through,
19:26just to attract, well, just to look good and feel good.
19:28You were going to say attract men, weren't you?
19:30In a way, yeah, in a way.
19:31But, I mean, there's a bloke in Lee this week
19:33who got arrested for shagging a frozen turkey,
19:35so, you know what I mean?
19:37So we're wasting our time, is that what you're saying?
19:39Well, you know...
19:40Trisha, you're in a really bad mood tonight, aren't you?
19:42Well, to be fair...
19:43You're questioning everything.
19:44Cos I'm the only girl here...
19:45No, I'm not, Alex is the other thing.
19:47Do you have a proper honour of Alex?
19:49No, Alex is more of a girl than I am.
19:51He's all sweet.
19:52Why would you say I was a girl?
19:54Well, you're sort of, oh, you know...
19:55Oh, I don't... I can't...
19:59Is that your impression of me?
20:01You're sort of...
20:02Are you sitting there doing an impression of me?
20:05Are you sitting there doing an impression...
20:07No, you're all sort of delicate.
20:09I can be fairly rugged.
20:12Go on, then.
20:13Go ahead.
20:14That's some ruggedness, yeah.
20:15Yeah, this is rugged.
20:16So, anyway, I was watching the football.
20:19Yeah, yeah.
20:20Yeah?
20:21Yeah.
20:22I don't know if I can pull it off.
20:24Yeah, just push me.
20:25Just push.
20:26Hang on.
20:27Yeah!
20:29I'm happy.
20:31I'm excited.
20:32Yeah!
20:35Oh, my hero.
20:37Shut up, Tricia!
20:42I've said that so many times to the TV.
20:44It felt totally different in person.
20:5164% of men believe they have a higher pain threshold than women.
20:54Is that true or false? What do you think?
20:56I think it must be true.
20:57You?
20:58Oh, well, we're three trues here.
21:00Three trues.
21:01True?
21:02I can tell you the answer is false.
21:04Only 27% of men believe they have a higher pain threshold than women.
21:09So, at the end of that round, it's three points for Sean's team
21:11and four points for Dave's team.
21:15And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
21:18I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls
21:20and it's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
21:23Here is your first one.
21:24Most annoying thing about restaurants.
21:27I went to a restaurant and the waitress was on crutches.
21:30And she brought the bread rolls in her mouth.
21:34And...
21:37I'm just going to go and get the soup.
21:41I was in a restaurant and I dropped a fork on the floor
21:45and they gave me a new fork.
21:47So, I dropped the napkin just to test it out
21:50and they gave me a new napkin.
21:52So, I pushed my ex-wife out of her chair.
21:57I'll give you a clue. It's service related.
21:59Is it losing the ability to say the word bill when you enter?
22:02At the end of the meal, nobody can say,
22:04excuse me, can I have the...
22:07Unless you're in Spain.
22:08No, Spanish for the bill is la cuenta.
22:10Yeah?
22:11Not as I did when I went over, stood in my phrase book
22:13and asked for la queso, which is cheese.
22:17And he's like, queso, everybody?
22:19I go, yeah, pay for everybody, queso.
22:21Queso round.
22:22Queso.
22:23Dump.
22:24For fuck's sake.
22:27Do you know what? I'm going to have to tell you.
22:29One of the worst things about restaurants
22:31is having to wait ages to get your food.
22:33That's why I always phone ahead with my order.
22:35Yes, I'll have the filet-o-fish, please.
22:38OK.
22:39Worst place to cry.
22:41Is it from your ears?
22:45I'd imagine a bad place to cry would be a photo me booth.
22:49Where you get your passport photos done.
22:51Because every time you went to a country, you had to go...
22:57OK, worst place to cry.
22:58Antarctica.
23:04A job interview.
23:05Correct answer. Justin Warren.
23:09Yeah, the worst place to cry is at a job interview.
23:11That's according to the survey.
23:12But in my experience, it is definitely during sex.
23:14Especially if the sex is during a job interview.
23:21Right, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show.
23:23Which means the final scores are Sean, Emo and Alex have three points.
23:26Dave, Tricia and Justin are our winners. They have six points.
23:32Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
23:34and to all of you for watching at home.
23:36That's it from us. Good night.
23:44Well, just starting over on E4, the cult internet sensation Devo.
23:47See what all the fuss is about in Funny Cuts.
23:50Coming up next here on Channel 4, though, it's time to say goodbye.
23:56Thank you.