Frasier Season 9 Episode 7 Bla-Z-Boy
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00:00I love it when he plays the piano. No matter how gloomy it is outside, it makes everything
00:14seem a little brighter. I feel the same way about bacon.
00:20You're so lucky to be musical. I'd give my right hand to be able to play the piano the way you do.
00:26Sounds a bit like O. Henry meets Stephen King, but still, if you're serious, I'd be willing to give you lessons.
00:33I'd love that. I've wanted to play ever since I was little, and my family would sing rugby songs
00:39after my brother's matches. I can still see them all muddied and bloodied, belting out songs like
00:46the old she-crab and I like a moose. Once one of Michael's teeth fell out right in the middle of
00:54four old hoes. Hey, Frank, how was your date last night? I'm having breakfast with you. You do the math.
01:05Coffee? Oh, please. Thank you, Niles. Well, here's something that'll cheer you up. Eight years ago today, I moved in with you.
01:13Eight years? Are you sure? This is quite an anniversary. You weren't even with Lilith for
01:20eight years. Please, Niles, I hardly think it's the same thing. It's not that different. If you were a woman,
01:26you'd be his common-law wife by now. Oh, well, now, I don't think that's... And think about this.
01:31If that date of yours had been the perfect woman, you'd still have to be with her nine years before
01:36you overtook him. Yes, and actually, if you add the 18 years he spent at home prior to college, well,
01:43they've been together 26 years. So we just missed our silver anniversary? All right. Yes, but good
01:50news, your 30th is pearled. Well, I think it's a remarkable accomplishment. Happy anniversary,
01:58Doctor and Mr. Crane. Yes, you're here.
02:04I'm so sorry it didn't work out with Lucy last night, but don't worry. I have tons of other
02:13friends better than her. Oh, thanks for starting at the bottom and working your way up.
02:23Hey, Ross. Dr. Crane. Hi, Dad. Hello, Dad. How are you doing? What are you, taking piano lessons? Yeah,
02:30Niles is going to teach me. I'm so jealous. I've always wanted to learn to play. Well,
02:35why don't you sit in with us? Really? Well, do you think Niles would mind? Of course not,
02:41and even if he does, he's so polite, you'll never know. Hi, I'd like to tell you about our new frozen
02:48coffee drink, the Cathalanche. It comes in three flavors, frosty coffee, so cocoa cold,
02:55and chiller and vanilla. I'll try the so cocoa cold. Black coffee, thanks. I hate what's happened
03:07to coffee, Dad. Well, I'm just saying, I'm a regular Joe and I like my Joe regular. Well,
03:14what's wrong with liking plain old coffee the way God made it? Nothing. What is wrong
03:20is subjecting me to the same shopworn belly aching every time you come in here.
03:25Well, excuse me for having an opinion you don't agree with. I thought this was America.
03:31Oh, look, it is. I'm going to get my coffee to go. That was a bit harsh, Dr. Crane.
03:41It has been eight years of the same complaints about the same things in the same places.
03:46Well, sometimes I think he does it just to antagonize me. Just like an old married couple.
03:54It's cute, isn't it? Yeah, well, I got my black coffee. Of course, it was more expensive than a
03:59whole meal used to be. Time was you could get two eggs, potatoes, choice of breakfast meat,
04:05and still get change back from the nickel. Will you just take your coffee? See how he talks to me?
04:13And on our anniversary to all.
04:21Now, I want you to position your hands over the keyboard. Fingers relax. Elbows loose.
04:28Good. Okay. Shoulders low. Good, good. How are we doing? Fine. Excellent. Okay, I guess. Good,
04:34good. So when do we get to press down on the key? Whoa, whoa. We have a lot to learn first.
04:42It'll be weeks before we've pressed down on the keys. I want to play a song. Yeah,
04:47isn't that why we're here? Well, all in due time. Here, wait. Just watch my hands while I play a
04:53scale. Watch this. Pardon me, Niles, but there was a television program I planned on watching.
05:01Oh, of course. We'll continue the lesson in Daphne's room. How can we learn without a piano?
05:07Put these workbooks on the box of adhesive stars.
05:21That guy sure looks cold. What are we watching? I'm watching Lost on a Mountain.
05:37Is that the mountain?
05:41Yes. Well, I sure don't look lost.
05:50That's the search party.
05:57So who's lost? Apparently you are. You'll stop interrupting, I will be too.
06:07So
06:23they knew an approaching storm might well hamper their efforts,
06:26but were determined to press forward nonetheless.
06:28Do you mind?
06:59Your own.
07:21Still, he felt he had little choice but to participate in the effort.
07:26Oh, is there nothing you do that doesn't create some sort of cacophony? Well,
07:31I didn't do it on purpose. I was trying to be considerate. If you were considerate,
07:35you would have oiled that chair when it began squeaking five years ago. Well,
07:39I don't know what's gotten into you, but you've been a real jerk lately. Maybe
07:43you should watch TV somewhere else. I should go elsewhere? Aye. Just what do you suggest?
07:52That I find a documentary bar and watch it on their big screen?
07:57You know what? I am. I'm just going to take a walk, all right? Leave you
08:01with the television. You enjoy yourself. Good day.
08:13I wish you would stop hanging your coat on my peg.
08:18Oh, I thought you'd capsized. No, I was oiling my chair. The squeaking was bugging Frasier.
08:36The carpet is a whole shade lighter under there,
08:40except for those little black dots you just made. Oh, shoot. I better get a towel. No,
08:46I'll get it. No, it's all right. I'll get something to pick up the grease.
08:58What the hell's happened? Now, don't get upset. I was oiling my chair trying to get rid of the
09:03squeak, and I had a little spill. A little spill? I just had this carpet cleaned. I'm sorry. It was
09:08an accident. Sure, Dad. It was an accident. It was an accident. I saw him step on it. Now,
09:14as you know as well as I do, there are no accidents. Just admit it, Dad. Your latent
09:20hostility toward me has been building through the years, little by little, until you have
09:24finally struck the Achilles heel of my decor, the Berber carpet. I did not do this on purpose,
09:34though. Then I suggest you dig deep into the twisted caves of your subconscious,
09:41where malicious acts abide, clothed in the robes of plausible excuses. For the last time,
09:47this was not malicious. It was an accident. I don't think you know the difference. Yes, I do.
09:54That was an accident. This is malicious.
09:58What color is the new carpet? I'm going up a shade to harvest wheat.
10:16I thought the next shade up was buff. It used to be,
10:19but they've discovered a whole new color in between.
10:22So now it's tofu, putty, oatmeal, almond, harvest wheat, and buff-buff.
10:34That's going to be hard to get used to. Where's Kathy? Oh, she's out taking a walk with Dad,
10:42an extra long walk. Things have been a little tense around here since the quote-unquote
10:48accident. It was an accident. Well, maybe. But don't you think the man should work on some of
10:56his unresolved anger toward me? If you're asking me to choose sides, I'm not going to do it.
11:04Man just brings such hostility into the room.
11:09Into the room.
11:14Thank you. You know, I've been thinking of
11:20sending him someplace. Like to a resort? Like to live with you. Oh, yes. The last resort.
11:31Making Dad move in with me does not solve your problem. It simply avoids it. Oh,
11:36don't you start preaching to me about avoidance. You've been avoiding living
11:38with him for eight years. I refuse to discuss that. And I refuse your refusal.
11:43Something burning. Smells like it. Are you cooking? And what is that supposed to mean?
11:52Oh, dear God. The chair. Oh, my God. Hand me this softball. I'll smother it.
12:00Be careful. Be careful. Be careful. Quickly, quickly, quickly. Just, just. Oh, look out!
12:07Doctor Crane's moods never last very long. I'm sure we've seen the worst of it.
12:22What do we do? What do we say? All right, all right, calm down. The important thing is it
12:25didn't hit anyone. Yes, at least we have that. But how do we explain this? We just tell them
12:31what happened as clearly and rationally as possible. Right, right, rational. Oh, my God,
12:37did you feel that earthquake? What the hell happened? Where's Daphne? She's down cleaning
12:44up the mess. Dad, I can explain. You threw my chair off the balcony? I'm so sorry. Just hear
12:52me out. Are you crazy? I didn't mean to. I got what it means to me. You could have killed someone.
12:57It was an accident. You said there are no accidents. Clearly, I was wrong. I mean,
13:05why on earth would I do such a thing? Because you've always been gunning for that chair.
13:14I accidentally stained your carpet and you set fire to the one thing in this apartment I care
13:21about and heave it out into the street. Dad, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to. Please forgive me.
13:31I'll buy you another chair. Don't do me any favors. No, please, Dad. Look, I know you're angry right now
13:37and that's normal. I'll tell you what the healthiest thing you can do right now. You want to know the
13:41healthiest thing you can do? Shut my yap. Bingo!
13:53Yes. Yes. Yes. No. I don't like this exercise. It's too hard. No, no, no, no. You're doing fine.
14:03You just have to loosen up. Look, I'll show you. See? It's just a little finger exercise.
14:09I know another little finger exercise.
14:15Daphne, you're not paying attention. Yes, I am.
14:19Why don't we just cancel the lesson and spend the day together?
14:23What kind of teacher would I be if I did that? Oh, that's right. You're the teacher
14:30and I'm the naughty student who wouldn't do her homework.
14:39Oh, that'll be Roz.
14:52Could you get that?
14:53Hey, Roz. Hey, Daphne. Hey, Roz. How'd it go this week?
15:10Okay, I guess.
15:14But those exercises aren't easy. See? All right, all right. Look, if I'm going too fast,
15:20we'll make some adjustments. Just do the best you can.
15:36That's great! All right, do it again.
15:43See, Daphne, that's a song. You said we weren't going to be playing songs.
15:54All right, wait. Now put down one. Yes, good.
16:01Oh, my God, this is so cool. I want to play a song.
16:06Well, and you will, Daphne, as soon as you master your exercises. You know,
16:11why don't you try playing along on your practice pad?
16:27Oh, shoot.
16:33Hello, Niles. Hey, Dad, um, taking Eddie for a walk? Yeah, I was afraid if I left him home,
16:40Frasier would set him on fire and throw him off the balcony.
16:46You see what I'm putting up with? Are you going to let this go on forever?
16:50Me? He's the one who keeps insisting I was lashing out deliberately,
16:54which I was not, although God knows it would have been justified.
16:57Which I was not, although God knows it would have been justified.
17:01What? Because of the oil? This is a lot deeper and a lot darker than oil,
17:07and you know it. The man will not get off my back. But it seems to me you've been giving as
17:13good as you've been getting. Oh, please. Ever since our so-called anniversary,
17:17he keeps insisting on... Whoa, whoa, whoa. What does your anniversary have to do with this?
17:21I guess it just set me off. It was as though everyone was saying that
17:31the only significant relationship I'll ever have again is with my father.
17:36So you're not mad at Dad. You're just mad he isn't a woman.
17:43Well, I got my coffee. Nothing fancy, but if you don't like it,
17:48you're welcome to set it on fire and throw it off the balcony.
17:52I know, I know. Wait, Dad. Frasier just said something very interesting to me that I think
17:58you should hear. No, please, let me help you through this. Don't forget, I've done my share
18:04of couples counseling. We are not a couple! I'm sorry. I only meant that I am an experienced
18:12mediator. Now, Frasier, tell Dad what you were just telling me.
18:21All right. I think
18:30that anniversary talk stirred up some issues for me.
18:36That our relationship is the only one I'll ever have.
18:43That for all intents and purposes, you are my significant other.
18:54And that's my fault? I didn't say it was your fault, did you? You think it's a picnic living
18:58with you? It's not exactly my dream either, you know. Okay, no, wait, wait, wait. Honesty,
19:03this is good. I'm just saying that I've had a bit of a breakthrough. Oh, dandy! You've had
19:10a breakthrough and I've lost my chair. Maybe I could sit on your breakthrough.
19:16I'll tell you what you can sit on. Okay, okay, okay. Wait, wait, wait. Let's just keep this
19:20constructive. Now, if you're going to make any progress, you're both going to have to compromise.
19:26Now, which one of you is willing to take the first step?
19:33Don't worry. Allow me.
19:46Do this for a living, do you? I do it because I enjoy working with people!
19:53Niles, I've been thinking, maybe you and Ross should continue without me.
19:57Why would we do that? Because she's good.
20:00Just a second. No, no, no. Don't worry about me. I'll find something easier to play, like a stick.
20:10Daphne, I'm not going to let you quit. You're just a slow starter.
20:14It may require a little more time, but you'll improve.
20:17You really think so? You'll have to trust me.
20:21I don't care how long it takes. I'm going to make a pianist out of you.
20:26Thank you. You know, you're much nicer than my old piano teacher.
20:34You took lessons before? Oh yeah, eight years of them.
20:41Mr. Cruikshank. You know, he once played at the Royal Albert Hall.
20:47Why did you stop taking the lessons, honey?
20:48Well, it turns out Mr. Cruikshank was an unstable man. He took his own life.
20:59You know, I was the last person to see him alive.
21:02Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that.
21:06You know, I was the last person to see him alive.
21:16Dad, Fraser's here.
21:22What's this?
21:25It's something I got to tell you. I'm sorry for being such a sore head.
21:31Oh, Dad. I'm overwhelmed.
21:35I tied the bow myself. Just pull on it. I'll come right off.
21:49Oh, how unexpected.
21:54You don't like it?
21:55How unexpected.
21:57You don't like it?
21:59No, no, I do. It's just...
22:01I've got some guy named Eduardo to help me. I figured I couldn't miss.
22:07It's divine.
22:09That's what Eduardo said.
22:15There's just one problem.
22:19Well, now, if you don't like it...
22:20I know. I can settle on fire and throw it over the balcony.
22:25No, I'm just letting you take it back. I want you to be happy.
22:29Fraser, I think this is a wonderful gesture on Dad's part.
22:32I do, too, Miles. I do. I'm very touched, Dad. Thank you. Thank you so much.
22:40It's just that I had something else in mind.
22:48Well, I give up. Try to do a nice thing.
22:50Fraser, what is the matter with you?
22:52Just...
22:53Oh, good. Gentlemen, come right in, please.
22:56Just set it right over here.
23:00You bought a chair? Thanks for telling me.
23:03No, just give me a chance here. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
23:06I need somebody to sign for this.
23:08Yes, of course. In just a moment, please. Could you wait for me at the door?
23:14Everyone, I would like to introduce you to the newest member of our furniture family.
23:22Oh, where did you find this?
23:31You can't find that, Dad. It doesn't exist anymore.
23:37Which is why I contacted a master builder, showed him some photographs, and had him
23:42duplicate it. As for the material, I tracked down the original manufacturer,
23:47and once I got them to admit they made it, I had them reweave it.
23:52It must have cost a fortune.
23:56Yes. Ironically, this is now the most expensive piece of furniture in the entire apartment.
24:04Beautiful. Thank you, son.
24:06Well done, Fraser.
24:08Oh, it feels just the same. I don't want to get up.
24:12Well, that's a shame, because I was planning on taking us both out to dinner this evening, Dad.
24:16Anywhere you'd like.
24:17Even the steakhouse?
24:18Even the steakhouse.
24:20Now, Stephanie, you're welcome to join us.
24:23Oh, sorry, but we're in the middle of my piano lesson.
24:26Oh, we'd love to.
24:30You know, I'll bet we can get free pie if we just tell them it's our anniversary.
24:43Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling, tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
24:49Oh, my.
24:51And maybe I seem a bit confused.
24:54Well, maybe.
24:55But I got you pegged.
25:00But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:07They're calling again.
25:10Good night, Seattle! We love you!