S02E24 - The Nowhere Affair

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05:23Ten months ago, Arian Tertunian, one of the world's greatest authorities on cybernetics, disappeared abruptly.
05:30Tertunian. Tertunian. Oh, yes. Rush.
05:37Last week, we got word from one of our undercover men that they're holding him in their new top-secret hideout somewhere in Nevada.
05:43Two days ago, Mr. Solo was sent to contact that undercover man with orders to get all the pertinent data and, if possible, bring out Tertunian.
05:50Mr. Solo's last signal was X11, which means that he had succeeded in obtaining the information but was facing imminent capture.
06:00Well, if Mr. Solo has the pertinent data, they'll be able to make him...
06:04Tell him? Oh, no. Fortunately, Mr. Solo had the new amnesia capsule B with him.
06:10Oh! Well, that's the new capsule the research boys were bragging about in the cafeteria.
06:16Who were they? It was supposed to be top secret.
06:21I see. I'm to find Mr. Solo and or the message.
06:28May I assume that Mr. Solo carried one of these radioactive time pieces?
06:32Yes. And to make it that simpler, the map and the information inside it will also respond to your beeper.
06:39Just how effective are these capsules? Total amnesia?
06:44Oh, I dare say you'll still be able to count up to ten in Swahili or conjugate a few simple Latin verbs, perhaps,
06:51but you'll not remember a thing about Uncle or have the remotest idea of who he is.
06:57For at least 72 hours, by which time the information will be in our hands. I hope.
07:15That must have been some party. Well, I certainly hope your headache is not too severe.
07:21Oh, brother, I hate to disappoint you, but...
07:25Yeah, let me offer you a pill.
07:31Oh, well.
07:36Well, this isn't my hotel room, is it?
07:40Hardly.
07:42Where am I? Who are you?
07:46Well, let me introduce myself to you. I am Walter Longolius.
07:51I'm... I'm...
07:56That's funny. I don't seem to remember who I am.
08:01Now, now, I realize your head hurts, but let's not play any games. We both know very well who you are.
08:07Oh, all right. You know who I am, and I don't.
08:12But who am I?
08:15You're Napoleon Solo, of course.
08:19Napoleons.
08:21It doesn't matter if anybody named Napoleon since the Battle of Waterloo.
08:26Now, look, I told you, please, no games. I'm hardly in the mood for comedy.
08:30Well, who is?
08:35What happened?
08:37You were struck on the top of your head with the butt of a six-shooter.
08:40A six-shooter?
08:42I don't even remember a pea-shooter.
08:46I don't remember anything.
08:50Mr. Solo, I am really surprised you try anything as childish as this.
08:55However, in any event, your cooperation is unimportant.
08:59What we want to know from you, we can find out easily enough.
09:06How did it go?
09:08Uncle is slipping.
09:10In the old days, they wouldn't have dared to insult one's intelligence
09:13by sending an agent who has the bare-faced audacity
09:16to pretend he doesn't even know who he is.
09:22You mean to say he said he doesn't know?
09:24Yes, he said he doesn't know.
09:27This is the great Napoleon Solo.
09:30Let me have his dossier.
09:34I want you to bring him up to the laboratory.
09:37We'll use some of Tertullian's new drug on him,
09:39that truth serum thing.
09:41And I want him to assist us.
09:44You keep a close eye on that captive genius Tertullian.
09:48Well, he has been more cooperative these days.
09:55I want more reason to watch him.
09:57If someone's been leaking information from around here, he may have had a hand in it.
10:07Are you sure Solo's faking?
10:09Sometimes, after a blow on the head,
10:11there's such a thing as temporary confusion...
10:13Not with an uncle alert,
10:15and never with the gleam in one's eyes he has.
10:18Yes, I see what you mean.
10:20He's classified here as a swinger. What's that?
10:24A manic depressive who is never depressed.
10:27Your name is Napoleon Solo.
10:29Do you hear me? Napoleon Solo.
10:32You're an agent of the UNCLE.
10:35You have come here under the command of your superior.
10:39You are a spy.
10:41You have a problem.
10:43You are a traitor.
10:45You are a traitor.
10:47You are a traitor.
10:48You are a traitor.
10:50You are a traitor.
10:52You are a traitor.
10:54You have come here under the command of your superior. Mr. Waverly now
11:00Tell me all the instructions he has given to you. Tell me all the information you have transmitted back to him
11:06Do you understand me? You are not to withhold
11:09Anything in your mind. Do you understand me?
11:13Say that you do I
11:16I
11:20Do what information have you transmitted back to Waverly?
11:27To
11:30Oh, you are not to withhold any information that is in within your mind
11:35Now tell me what is in your mind. Tell me all tell me everything. I
11:41I like another aspirin, please
11:44And when this cannon roar in my head stops, I'd like you to point out
11:51The fellow who hit me with the six-shooter
11:55Because I liked to return
12:01Mara don't let him fall asleep again
12:04Tertullian it has that effect. Sometimes I've given him over in excess of 200 CCS, which is much too much
12:17Is it the medication was it too old I rather suspect he's under the influence of some kind of drug that produces amnesia
12:25ridiculous
12:26In his room just now solo not only knew all about the Battle of Waterloo, but insisted on telling me about it
12:32I'm not surprised
12:34Remember your best is a selective thing
12:36But mr. Solo will come around to his own identity
12:40In time we have no time. We know that solo was talking to uncle headquarters when our men got to him
12:47How much has he discovered about our operation here? How much did he tell them? We've got to find that out immediately
12:53Go on get him out of there. Bring him up to his room
13:01Now if it's a drug we're dealing with what is the antidote now surely your computers can tell us that
13:10These machines were not programmed for medicine
13:13You had me set it up to examine the influence of emotional factors on the loyalty of thrush personnel
13:19I've only just programmed their love lives
13:23I
13:25Don't have any love lives except under assignment now that might be one way out. What are you talking about?
13:33Something that will jog his memory back something that will increase his blood pressure and
13:40Cause adrenaline to pour into his veins arouses whole body chemistry. We're using what insulin shock electric shock?
13:47No, no, the oldest most primitive drug in the history of the human body
13:52Electric shock no, no the oldest most primitive stimuli we know
13:58Mara, will you please bring me? Mr. Solo's dossier?
14:07Now to make this operative
14:11We must arouse the most basic instinct the human animal is conscious of
14:17Fear is the oldest
14:19The thinnest of solo is a fearless man
14:23Hunger
14:24hardly applicable
14:26Did you see these?
14:29I glanced at that one
14:31Eye-opening, isn't it?
14:34The other instinct of course is
14:37Libido
14:39And that my dear longolius is where we have a chance
14:45libido
14:46Let us say that he's interested in the opposite sex
14:50Our achilles has a great experience
14:54in that field
14:55His heel seems to be women now if we could find somebody who could arouse that not so latent predilection in mr
15:02Solo, no problem there
15:05Thrush numbers among its female employees any number quite adept in that field
15:10mara
15:11Process all the feminine personal records through that machine
15:16Programmed against what sir against mr. Solo, of course
15:21We stamped out a card on him from this dossier if I remember
15:25Now we'll search for the perfect intellectual emotional and physical match for him in that
15:46I
15:56Just thought somebody was around here
16:01Well, uh
16:03Finders keepers this ain't on me
16:06I must be run down
16:08But I guess it works
16:10About what time would you say this sophie?
16:13Oh, it's just about what I say give her an attitude
16:19It ain't got no works
16:22What is this
16:31It's a map
16:34And there's eternal and it
16:37That's a map
16:39A map see sophie, you know seven
16:43We got our fortunes made maybe if we can just find this place
16:58Well, we're just about ready
17:01Did you get a large enough sampling? How many female thrush employers did you have to choose from over 2000?
17:07We only took those from the pacific coast to view of the time factor
17:12They're ready
17:19Well who's on the top card well now who is it
17:25There must be some mistake
17:27My machines never make mistakes. No, no, no. No, there's been an air there must have been
17:33now these other choices are perfectly feasible, but this
17:36This first selection is absolutely all wrong. Is it?
17:41Why?
17:42It can't be
17:43Look the girl with the highest number. She's a way ahead of the others
17:48Who is she? Yes, who is it? Come on. We gotta locate it. We gotta find her here immediately. Give me those cards
17:54Z eight nine seven. Well, who is she?
18:02Well now who is she
18:06It's me
18:36So
19:07You
19:14Very well, i'll do it but I haven't the vaguest notion what to say to him
19:19I thought all thrush girls went through some course of uh, an elementary man woman relationship
19:27What's it called, uh
19:29I had measles that semester
19:32I meant to make it up. But somehow I got sidetracked with differential calculus
19:38The computer knows all this it has all your records and what's more important?
19:44It has all of mr. Solo's the machine knows that mr. Solo will take to you. It's all that matters
19:53The rest will take its natural course
19:55I
19:57Look I may not have been um
20:00trained in the martyr higher division of thrush
20:03But I have been trained since infancy in the way to deal with uncle agents
20:09And it is not
20:10Believe me, I repeat it is not to make love to them
20:17Napoleon oh
20:19Whoever you are, please stop shouting and go away
20:23But i'm not shouting napoleon I must speak with you please get out of here and leave me alone
20:36Napoleon i'm here from mr. Waverly from uncle everybody uncle is terribly concerned about you
20:42I don't care if you're here on behalf of santa all his little elves and donner and blitzen. Leave me alone
20:49Napoleon don't speak to me like that. Don't you even recognize me? No, I do not
20:55And if you won't get out of here, I will
21:18So
21:49So
21:54Open channel d channel d, please
21:59Yes, mr. Kiriakin i've arrived in nowhere sir and believe me never has any place been more suitably named
22:06Mr. Kiriakin you're working for uncle not for an urban redevelopment society
22:13What have you got to report
22:15Quantity of blood dried fairly fresh. Otherwise, it would have been bleached out by now
22:21Shall I test it for type not at the moment? Yes, sir
22:34I am not hearing anything
22:37Mr. Kiriakin, are you there?
22:40Yes, sir
22:41There's more blood but no sign of radioactivity
22:45Oh
22:48You hear that distinctly
22:57Well, where's it coming from a minute
23:10It appears to be coming from a lady's abdomen sir
23:15You
23:20Uh, excuse me madam
23:36It's the watch it's empty
23:45So
23:49The fever's gone you're feeling better
23:53I've seen you before
23:55You remember me i'm glad
23:58My reception this afternoon was um unnerving to say the least
24:04Oh, yes this afternoon you came to my room
24:07You were talking. Well, what did you expect me to do wave my antenna?
24:12I
24:14Was rude i'm sorry i'm usually not rude to pretty girls
24:19at least I
24:21Don't think I am
24:23Three years ago. You left me stranded in the middle of the united nations souvenir counter in a fit of pique over some little
24:30Lebanese diplomat
24:32Now rudeness or jealousy. I don't know
24:35You mean I know you
24:37Why do you think i'm here?
24:40I told you
24:42Uncle sent me to look after you uncle uncle. You keep saying that
24:48Everybody keeps saying that it upsets me now. Take it easy with a martini upset you
24:54Very cold, uh on the rocks easy on the vermouth two onions
25:00That's the same old napoleon at least you remember that
25:06I like martinis
25:10Hmm
25:13Where am I now
25:15The same place only a bit higher and a little more to the left
25:20It's my hideaway away from it all
25:23Now with this manhattan
25:25That far off peak would be caracal
25:29And beyond the monastery of shangri-la
25:33That's from a book
25:36You're getting warmer
25:39I
25:44Did you really take an amnesia drug it's all kind of fuzzy I really can't remember anything
25:50Except this
25:54Why are we whispering
25:57Yeah, hold this
25:59So
26:08In a place like this even the begonias have ears
26:15You don't remember anything
26:18Not even the precious little moments behind the filing cabinets at uncle
26:24Who's uncle yours or mine
26:28Uncle u-n-c-l-e the organization we both work for
26:33You are napoleon solo
26:36uncle's top undercover agent
26:39At the moment you're in the hands of thrush your enemies
26:42Now you took a drug to prevent them from getting information from you
26:46and it's temporarily
26:48Destroyed your memory
26:51Oh
26:51Then it will come back
26:54So the doctor here says
26:57Hmm
27:07Now
27:08Wait a minute
27:10first you said you were with uncle and then you said you were with
27:14thrush
27:15Whatever that is
27:17That is the antithetical organization to uncle
27:21You see i'm in their confidence
27:23I infiltrated from uncle two years ago
27:26But please please don't give me away they are not signatories to the geneva conference when it comes to traitors within their gates
27:34including me
27:38You're a special case
27:42You don't remember anything i'm sorry
27:48Somehow
27:50I have the feeling though that you and I
27:52Have had some wonderful memories in common
27:59You know if I wanted to I could tell you almost anything couldn't I
28:05About what kind of friends we were
28:08About the last time we saw each other
28:12And about what we were doing the last time
28:16What
28:22Well, somehow I think things like that aren't easily forgotten that's instinctual
28:30Not
28:31Memorable, well, it was memorable to me
28:41Wait a minute
28:43I think I remember something what?
28:46All this talk about uncle and thrush and plots and agents
28:50It struck a familiar chord
28:53Things are coming back to you. Yes. Yes
28:56comic books i've read
28:58Yeah
28:59it's
29:00same as the plots used to be except
29:04Except what?
29:05slam
29:07Zap bowie
29:10That's it
29:12Slam
29:14Zap
29:17Bowie
29:19So
29:49So
29:58Open channel d put it back in here
30:03Go ahead
30:06Don't know where i'm headed but i'm following the beeper
30:13You know sophie
30:15She did going on to that colorado school of mines like that waitress in butte told me 40 years ago
30:21She was ahead of her time that gal
30:23Then maybe I could have figured out the head and the tail of this darn thing
30:26So
30:43Howdy kind of startled me there mister
30:48I used to run into strangers see around here. I'm the mayor the sheriff and the entire population
30:54I got some uh, would you like that little cup of this?
31:01What are you doing that young fella
31:05Listen you stop that now stop it right now. You hear me?
31:10I don't like people walking. Hey, whoa, let go of that here you let go of that. That's mine. I found it
31:15It belongs to me now
31:17Let go will you listen? I I found that that's that's mine
31:22Yeah, come on
31:2542 degrees north over the hills
31:30There
31:51I've got to talk to you
31:55Close the door
32:00Did anyone see you I don't think so I was very careful
32:05I
32:06Yes
32:08What i've been thinking and thinking and thinking and
32:13I don't know what this is about uncle and thrush that you've been telling me but I can't stand it here any longer
32:17This place gives me the creeps. I've got to get out of here
32:21You've got to be patient
32:24This whole thing has been a fiasco
32:26Computer or no computer theory or no theory. It just hasn't worked
32:29Solo's chemical imbalance hasn't changed that much despite everything that she's done
32:33I can't stand this being in limbo any longer not knowing who I am or what I am
32:38I just can't stand it. Look don't do anything rash
32:42I will try to contact waverly in the morning. I don't want you to risk your life needlessly
32:47You could never get past the patrol dogs out there. Do you hear them?
32:51I tell you it's hopeless
32:53But as long as they think they can still get information from you, you're safe
32:58In the meantime, I will try to think of something you trust me
33:05I'll have to
33:08There's nothing else
33:13Nothing has been accomplished at all
33:16Except that he's having a great time
33:17I wouldn't say nothing has been accomplished. He trusts her from trust to love. Oh, love my left foot
33:25He's been faking and he's been faking all along. He's no more lost his memory than you have
33:30But the truth sir, oh he's immune to it
33:33Perhaps they never even gave him an amnesia pill
33:37Perhaps all they gave him was something to make him immune to our serums. That's possible, isn't it?
33:42Well
33:45We can be clever too
33:47Let's solo escape. He'll head directly to where he's concealed the information and the moment he gets it
33:53We'll move right in and then I'll revideci solo
33:56So
34:09Open channel d kuriakin here. Yes, mr. Kuriakin
34:12I'm literally on top of a vast underground thrush plant stretching for miles in every direction
34:17Where they have mr. Solo, no doubt
34:21Well find him get him out blow it all up
34:25You understand yes, sir, I am to find mr. Solo and then explode everything
34:32Well, we better find somewhere to hide the burrow and this thing
34:35The time we get to that tunnel, it's going to be dark anyway
34:39Beats walking say mister. Now if you're gonna blow anything up, I got a lot of dynamite you're gonna have cheap
34:44It's a mite old but it sure as heck blow that tunnel the kingdom coming back. I'll tell you
34:49Dynamite. Well, I always carry with me man. Never knows when he's gonna hit a promising new vein out here
34:54Why tonight because I think we can manage it tonight
35:00What can I say to you
35:03I suppose goodbye would be appropriate
35:05Only I wish you wouldn't
35:07I dislike the idea of never seeing you again
35:10Well, we can make a date to meet at a certain time
35:14No, let's not
35:16For people like us there's no tomorrow. Oh, come on. Don't be so glum
35:22Make a date to time a place
35:25bar
35:26We'll each have a drink
35:28And you'll see me i'll see you pauline, please name it. Come on. We can't let it end like this
35:35Come on, please
35:41Well, there is one bar
35:44There's only one there. I'll meet you there. All right, when I don't know maybe tomorrow where
35:51The town called nowhere
35:59Now you must go
36:04I'm sorry for the tears. Would you hold this please?
36:22So
36:39Yeah, what's happening in there the drugs worn off
36:42He's turned back
36:44Are you two-faced two-timing little thrush witch?
36:48What
36:50What a cozy little deception
36:53Playing both ends against the middle, huh?
36:56an uncle agent
36:58And once in the long ago we met in romance behind the fire. It's an uncle napoleon. What's come over you?
37:06nothing
37:08Nothing at all
37:10It came back
37:12By memory, you see it came back
37:15And this brought it back
37:17brought it back this
37:21Solo drop that gun
37:30Mara don't let him get away. Mara shoot him in the leg. Mara. Mara shoot him. Mara. Stop him
37:47Don't let him get away. Mara. Stop him. Shoot him. Don't let him get away. I can't
38:03Because I love him
38:17Red
38:21Condition red condition red to your stations to your station condition red
38:36Most interesting
38:38the gun
38:40the hand
38:41Uncle's training becomes positively ingrained and embedded
38:45Until it's altered into a basic instinct
38:48Just like pavlov's dogs
38:55Hey, this must be it
39:01Well, let's lay these earaches in huh
39:04You
39:06You did it on purpose. You knew what was going to happen
39:08You knew that she was going to betray us you picked her because of that
39:13I warned you
39:15Computers never lie
39:23Have her brought here to me
39:29Okay, I got one stick left hold me the broad open
39:35Hey, what you got there
39:38toothpaste
39:41Yeah
39:43You mean that's gonna open the door just like that
39:46well
39:47It needs a little
39:50assistance
39:52So
40:17Hook up the rest of the dynamite
40:22Invasion tunnel a
40:52Oh
40:55Go and stop him kill him
41:06Go and stop him
41:15You
41:17It's all your fault. Look what you've done
41:19My life work you've ruined it
41:22you dirty beast
41:25Get out of here go get solo
41:43Take it easy napoleon
41:45You
41:48Oh you ruined everything and betrayed us all
41:52Well, the penalty for that is death
41:54And death it will be it's me ilia
41:58You remember
42:01Waverly the tailor shop
42:09Ilia
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