Veep Season 1 Episode 8 Tears
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00:00Am I all packed, Gary?
00:16Yeah.
00:17We're all covered.
00:18See, the thing about Ohio is the weather is completely schizophrenic.
00:21I know.
00:22I mean, we dress you wrong, and you're either freezing like a popsicle or you're sweating
00:24like a hog.
00:25Or a ballerina or a modern dancer, that's what I mean.
00:28Okay, it's fine.
00:29Is there an indoor pool at this place?
00:31I packed my swimsuit.
00:32Why are you asking me that?
00:34And have we heard from the president on the economic forum?
00:36Uh, yeah.
00:37Last I heard, he was three over par.
00:39Huh?
00:40Oh, the forum's not happening.
00:42POTUS took a golf date.
00:43Do you know who he's playing golf with?
00:45No.
00:46Who?
00:47No, no, no, no.
00:48Who?
00:49Oh, you don't know, and you want me to find out?
00:50Yeah, yeah.
00:51Okay.
00:52Sorry.
00:53Dan.
00:54Hey.
00:55Dan Egan.
00:56Good to see you again, buddy.
00:57I miss your emails.
00:58Long time no see-see.
00:59Still up here in Cleveland, huh, Will?
01:00Yeah.
01:01Ruttin' around with the, uh, regional swine, slavin' away for furlong.
01:05Well, I am the senior advisor now, so I get free Wi-Fi, you know?
01:09I'll be going to D.C. a lot more.
01:10Oh, my God.
01:11With that provincial sensibility and that girlish figure, you're not gonna last.
01:14Listen, Dan.
01:15The congressman expects your boss to endorse him for governor.
01:18Yeah, yeah, we're aware of that.
01:20It's gotten a bit complex, all right?
01:22So the congressman would like to speak with you in his room, if you'd just join me, okay?
01:30Ah, I recognize you.
01:31You're one of Selina's little gay dwarves, aren't you?
01:34What are you, sappy?
01:35Is that it?
01:36Preppy?
01:37Actually, my name's Dan Egan.
01:38Uh, you might remember, actually, I used to work for Congresswoman Hayes.
01:41Oh, my gosh.
01:42Of course I don't remember that.
01:44Listen, I need your help, buddy.
01:45I need you to go back and tell Selina that I don't want her to endorse me for governor, okay?
01:49She's about as welcome here as a turd in a hot tub.
01:52Well, that could be a bit of an issue.
01:56We're trying to run a fundraiser, and she's kind of toxic at the box office, all right?
02:01We're having to bump our silver plates up to gold plates.
02:04Gold plates are going up to platinum plates.
02:07I'd make more money if I installed Will here as a full-time glory hole greeter at a Georgetown gay bar,
02:13which I'm pretty sure he already does part-time, right, Will?
02:15Yes, sir.
02:16Congressman, she's on her way here right now.
02:18So what?
02:19There's plenty to do here in Cleveland.
02:20Send her to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
02:22First time I took this kid, one look at Kurt Cobain's shoes, he was balling like a fucking baby.
02:27It's too soon! It's too soon!
02:30Ma'am?
02:31Uh, Martin Collins, the Secret Service guy we reassigned?
02:35Mm-hmm.
02:36He's back. He's been unreassigned.
02:38Are you kidding me?
02:39Yeah, not great, admittedly.
02:40Not great, admittedly.
02:41Yeah, that should be the title of my fucking memoir.
02:44He's not outside here, is he?
02:46Oh, hi! Oh, hi!
02:48Okay, great.
02:50All right, that's all I want to say to him for the rest of my life.
02:55Hey, approval ratings just came through.
02:57Oh.
02:58Sixty-six percent.
02:59What?
03:00Approve.
03:01Oh.
03:02Sorry, disapprove.
03:03Oh.
03:04Disapprove.
03:06You know what?
03:07You go ride with the security detail.
03:10There's no room for you in this car.
03:12She can thank the troops, she can charm all the mouth breathers,
03:16and then she can go back to D.C., no big deal.
03:19The one thing she will not be doing is standing up and endorsing me.
03:23You got me?
03:25I get the stamp of approval from her,
03:27and I might as well nail a bunch of puppies to the ground
03:30and then start running them over and crushing their skulls with my campaign bus.
03:33All due respect, we did have an informal understanding
03:39that she would endorse your run for governor.
03:41All right, well, all due respect, cock nugget,
03:43there's been a little too much of this informal understanding going on around here.
03:48Isn't that right, Will?
03:49Yes, sir.
03:52Clean jobs was your office, right?
03:55And its role in the McCauley Amendment.
03:57Getting Senator McCauley to sneak in the V.P.'s lame-ass legislation against the president's will.
04:03McCauley thing.
04:04Yeah, that, uh, that didn't happen.
04:06Will, tell him who I am.
04:08Sir, you're the vice chair of the Congressional Oversight Committee.
04:11And in that capacity, I have a duty to shine a light on any of this kind of backseat finger-fucking-insider bullshit, Dan.
04:17Thank you for your time, Congressman. I... will do what I can.
04:23Don't endorse.
04:27She seems nice.
04:32Because of that smiling Secret Service guy, Amy, 66% disapproved.
04:37That's everyone in America who's awake right now.
04:40Okay, let's not concentrate on that today. Let's concentrate on Ohio.
04:47How could that many Americans not like me?
04:50I think they got it wrong. They counted those numbers wrong or something.
04:53Or all those Americans are completely wrong.
04:56Okay, this is the hotel manager. We promised him four seconds.
04:59Hi!
05:00Madam Vice President, welcome to our hotel.
05:02We have to take the vice president away. Apologies.
05:05Why have I been given this pig's butt?
05:08It's tomato juice. It's the Ohio State beverage.
05:11Oh, piss.
05:12Uh, ma'am?
05:13Yeah?
05:14They're having trouble moving big donor tickets.
05:17What?
05:18Yeah.
05:19Why? Because of me?
05:20No.
05:21Amy, you're gonna have to start getting everyone to like me.
05:24Ma'am, hi. Uh, good news. Uh, we are not exactly selling that many platinum level tickets.
05:30I just gave her that news.
05:31Yeah, but it was so much more depressing coming out of you.
05:34Not to worry. I have a strategy.
05:37Okay, look. We smile the smiles, we shake the hands, but we do not endorse.
05:43Okay? We give the press nothing to report.
05:45No, that makes me look even weaker.
05:47Ma'am, I really think this is something to consider.
05:52Jonah.
05:53Greetings from the Clubhouse of Power, Amy.
05:56You need to know that the White House understands just how toxic the Veep is after these latest numbers.
06:01It's a tough time. We're aware.
06:03Do you want to know how toxic she is, Amy?
06:05Imagine something small has crawled up a dead cow's ass, and then that small thing actually dies itself.
06:13If that dead thing then farted out a sack of eggs.
06:16But each individual egg is a smaller, rotting dead thing.
06:22That's how toxic she is.
06:24Okay, thanks for the input.
06:26And I know you're under a lot of pressure over there, so if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or a booty to call on...
06:32You have my number, okay?
06:34Hey, did you find out who the president's playing golf with?
06:38Golf?
06:40Golf. You know, men walking around with sticks, talking about their careers.
06:45I was going to follow up on that, ma'am. I didn't forget. I did not forget.
06:49Ma'am, it's Congressman Furlong.
06:53Oh, well, you can tell him to go fuck himself.
06:55He's right here, ma'am.
06:56What? Oh!
06:57Good night, Vice President.
06:58Roger!
06:59Thank you so much for seeing me.
07:00Well, thank you for dropping by.
07:03Excuse me while I get myself pulled together.
07:05Of course. I like this room. This is great.
07:07Yeah, it's a presidential suite.
07:09Vice presidential, anyway.
07:10Listen, um, I've seen the disapproval numbers, so I appreciate the delicate situation here.
07:19Ah, it's part of the job.
07:22No, it's not.
07:23Yeah.
07:24This is Will. Will, what were they saying about the disapproval?
07:26Apologies, ma'am. F'd in the B hole across all networks.
07:29Ma'am, that is a lingering image to try to overcome, I'll tell you.
07:32What's this about, Congressman?
07:34Well, I was hoping maybe, ma'am, we could have a moment.
07:38Yes. Have a seat.
07:41Ma'am, I don't want you to endorse my run for governor at this time.
07:49Um, well, Roger, that is difficult for me because I, I'm here.
08:00Yeah, that's great. Can I get some water?
08:03It's being put to me that...
08:05Gary, could I get some water?
08:07Uh, you know, it's being put to me that, uh, and I apologize, but politically speaking, you are damaged goods.
08:14I'm hearing that your credibility is... Where was it located, Will?
08:17The toilet.
08:18Mm-hmm.
08:20Again, not my words, so...
08:23The toilet?
08:25What? I don't want this.
08:26Okay. More accurately, the crapper.
08:29Who are you? Who is this fucking infant?
08:32No one.
08:34Let me be very clear with you about something, okay, Roger?
08:39I don't even like you.
08:41Right.
08:42Right? And now I'm, you know, been told to come here and endorse you,
08:48so do you understand how embarrassing this would be for me now not to endorse you?
08:52Yes, of course, I get it, yeah. And listen, I mean, in the spirit of reciprocity, ma'am,
08:57I don't really care for you much either, personally.
09:00You can't stop me from endorsing you.
09:02Then I will reject the endorsement publicly.
09:06Madam Vice President, do you need five minutes?
09:08No, I don't need five minutes. I'm absolutely fucking fine.
09:11Thank you very much.
09:16You know, Roger, do you sometimes think about, um, I don't know,
09:20I give you this and you give me that, and black is up, but brown is down now.
09:26Do you know what I mean?
09:27Mm-hmm.
09:28I mean, in life or even just with, with love, you know, I mean, at the end of the day,
09:37you know, aren't we just all finally just, you know, people?
09:42True words, ma'am.
09:43Yeah.
09:45I mean, you know, I haven't, I haven't seen my, my daughter in like three months,
09:52and Ted is just, you know, blah, I don't know where he went, you know.
09:58You know, and I would, I would love to go to that party, you know.
10:04I would hate to be everywhere.
10:10Look, Madam Vice President, I'm sorry.
10:14This doesn't give me any pleasure.
10:16Don't you say it gives you no pleasure.
10:18When anybody ever says that, all they mean is that it does give them so much pleasure.
10:22Look.
10:23I know what that means.
10:24Maybe you should make an address, okay?
10:26Talk about politics in America, working together.
10:29I know how to give a motherfucking speech.
10:32Don't you patronize me with your no jaw, you congressman, no jaw.
10:39Okay, ma'am.
10:40We should, we have to go.
10:41Get the fuck out.
10:42Okay, okay.
10:49He was just not a nice man.
10:51I'll get you some tea, okay?
10:53I'll get you some tea.
10:54I'll just leave Mike.
10:55He can stay in here with you.
11:04I'm sorry about your tears.
11:06Yeah.
11:07They suck.
11:09You know, my, uh, Papaw used to say it's always darkest before the storm, so.
11:15Well, it's dawn.
11:16The dawn.
11:18It's always darkest before the dawn, and then he would kiss me.
11:23Alright, this might sound crazy, but go with it.
11:25Her crying was very authentic and humanizing.
11:32Okay.
11:34I, uh, liked your thinking.
11:36I actually found it slightly erotic, too, but.
11:38I take it back.
11:39No, no, that's why it took me so long to split up with Angie.
11:42She'd always cry, I'd always get her hard on.
11:44No, you lost me.
11:45Listen, we should spitball on this, though.
11:51The crying gameplay, alright?
11:53All we gotta do is set her up and let the cameras roll.
11:57We just gotta tweak the tear nipple.
11:59How do we make it happen?
12:01We could, uh, spray her with pepper spray, call her fat.
12:06Kidding.
12:09What is it that made her cry?
12:11It's Catherine, right?
12:13The absent mother blubber.
12:15Genius.
12:16Yeah.
12:17Chinese daughter torture.
12:18It was a good one.
12:19God, I can't believe we're doing this.
12:21On the other hand, we are currently polling lower than a side of beef with eyes drawn on it, so.
12:27Okay, ma'am, light and frothy.
12:29Cappuccino politics here, okay?
12:30Right.
12:31Big three industries in Ohio.
12:32Yeah.
12:33Rubber.
12:34Right.
12:35Petrochemical.
12:36Agriculture.
12:37Okay.
12:38Rubber.
12:39It's a big rubber state.
12:40Yeah.
12:42What is that, a fax?
12:43Is that a message to yourself from 1988?
12:46Look who's playing golf with the president.
12:48Danny Chong.
12:50Chong.
12:51You sure?
12:52What is that?
12:53Don't worry about it.
12:54Please, do you have one second?
12:55Uh, feel free to dive right in on the daughter, okay?
12:57Because we want to hit these disapproval ratings head on, okay?
13:00See, when he says things like that to me, it makes me anxious.
13:03And I just found out that Governor Chong is golfing with POTUS, so if you want to talk about that.
13:08All right.
13:09Thank you so much.
13:10It is just great to be back in the state of Ohio.
13:14Been a rough couple of months for you, though.
13:16Your filibuster reform stalled.
13:18Clean jobs initiative dead in the water.
13:21You talk a lot about really wanting to be able to make change.
13:24Do you still think you're going to be able to make that happen?
13:26Oh, absolutely.
13:27Yeah, I'm very proud of what we've been able to achieve thus far.
13:32So you feel you're back in the game?
13:35Well, it's not a game to me.
13:37Must be very hurtful for you, too, with all the gossip going around.
13:41Is she going to go?
13:42I just understand today that the president is golfing with Governor Chong.
13:46Does that bother you?
13:50I mean, the president can play golf with whoever he likes.
13:56But I'm here because I have work to do.
13:59It's 24-7.
14:00It's a public duty.
14:0224-7 doesn't leave you much time for your family, your daughter?
14:06Well, I mean, it's a punishing schedule.
14:09That's for sure.
14:10I mean, you get tired and you get knocked back.
14:15But can you imagine, Felicia, if I'm tired?
14:24Imagine how tired the rubber makers are here in Ohio.
14:29She is magnificent.
14:31Making rubber day in and day out.
14:36I feel that Ohio is the rubber ball state, if you think about it.
14:44Always bouncing back.
14:50I don't know what the hell she could have been thinking.
14:52When was the last time you cried twice in one day?
14:55It was a little more recently than you'd think.
14:58Odd job.
14:59Come here.
15:00What the fuck gives with your boss?
15:02I saw the meltdown.
15:04Congressman, I saw passion.
15:06I saw conviction.
15:07I saw a fucking crazy lady.
15:08That's what I saw.
15:09If she mentions my name, if I get the stamp of approval,
15:13the Midas touch from Jenny Shitfinger, I'm coming for you, pal.
15:16Me and the Congress of the United States will get your ass.
15:19Yes, sir.
15:20Ask your buddy Macaulay about it.
15:22Maybe he can help you.
15:23Ladies and gentlemen, the vice president.
15:25Hello.
15:26Yes, I see you.
15:29Oh, wow.
15:30And look at this group.
15:32Are they going to live long enough to make it to election day?
15:35Right behind me?
15:36Probably not.
15:37Hello, children who do not vote.
15:40You're getting great media response to the interview.
15:43Are you getting this too?
15:44No, better.
15:45I've been polling the room.
15:46It's warm.
15:47It's friendly.
15:48If this plays in Ohio, it's going to go national.
15:49Come on, Amy.
15:51Marcus.
15:52What?
15:53I made you a cake with your face on it.
15:55Are you kidding me?
15:57That looks like me after a long day in the Senate.
16:01I think she's only paid 50 bucks.
16:03I have to go.
16:05Madam Vice President, I'd like to introduce you to one of our actual platinum donors.
16:09I have some great ideas about tax reform I wanted to talk to you about.
16:13I want to hear them.
16:14Well, there's two types of people, okay?
16:16You got grabbers, and then you have the other kind.
16:20I don't have a name for that.
16:22The ones that don't grab.
16:23Oh.
16:24The grabbers, right?
16:25Yeah.
16:26They take the world by the scrotum, okay?
16:28Oh.
16:29And they make it happen.
16:30This is just riveting stuff, and you've obviously...
16:32Oh, I'm so sorry.
16:33I'm so sorry.
16:34Yes.
16:35I don't know what to say, so I'm just whispering instead.
16:38Oh.
16:39I have the Middle East.
16:42We can talk later.
16:43Thank you very much.
16:44We have all night.
16:45We have all night.
16:46All night.
16:47Uh-huh.
16:48I just want to eat in a quiet corner away from these bozos, okay?
16:51And that's the essence of a grabber, okay?
16:55Mm-hmm.
16:56You think with all the money I'm jerking off the wall here,
16:59I'd get more than a stuffed chicken breast.
17:01Right.
17:02Well, you know, I got to tell you, these caterers, they've got a...
17:05I gave $30,000, I get a chicken breast.
17:08That guy didn't give me $500.
17:09He's got a chicken breast.
17:10What do I get?
17:11Stuffing?
17:12Mm-hmm.
17:13Yeah.
17:14Okay.
17:15Throw me a drumstick or something.
17:16Larry.
17:17Hey.
17:18It's good to see you.
17:19Why?
17:20You need a lawyer?
17:22All right, look, listen.
17:24I may have gotten involved in a little something.
17:28What happens if I get called in before a congressional committee?
17:32Okay.
17:33You need three versions of your statement.
17:35Uh-huh.
17:36Like what I say happened, what they say happened, the truth, right?
17:39A written, an oral, and a shorter oral in case of a time limit.
17:44Right.
17:45Yeah.
17:46You want to tell a congressional committee the truth, Dan.
17:48Anything out of line.
17:49You're looking at a perjury charge.
17:51Fuck.
17:52Don't call attention to yourself, all right?
17:54Just lay low, keep your head down.
17:58All right, then let's say this does actually happen and I get called in.
18:02Like, what's it like up there?
18:05You know those dreams where your football coach is, like, screaming at you?
18:09You look down, you're dressed like Shirley Temple, and then all your teeth fall out?
18:13That's like a Disney version of a congressional committee.
18:16You're going to get hometown, downtown questions.
18:19You'll catch parties and shit.
18:21There's going to be grandstanding.
18:23And if they smell blood, if they think that you're going down and there's going to be a kill,
18:28you might get what we call corpse fucking.
18:32Jesus.
18:33Corpse fucking?
18:34That's what it's called.
18:35Where they take your mortal remains and have as much fun with it as they can.
18:38Because everybody wants to be the guy getting the TV sound bite, okay?
18:42And they're going to be talking about you.
18:43Yeah.
18:44Yeah.
18:46Thank you so much.
18:50Thank you so, so very, very much.
18:52Good evening, everyone.
18:54What are you doing?
18:55Sir, this crying is tracking pretty well.
18:58What?
19:00Oh, shit.
19:01Yeah, it's good.
19:02Okay, that changes everything.
19:06Hey, come here.
19:07Relax, okay?
19:08I spoke to her, you spoke to her.
19:10She's not going to fucking endorse.
19:11No, no, no.
19:12We want her to endorse now, okay?
19:13She's going from toxic to turn on.
19:14So just when we give you the nod, give her the signal, all right?
19:17You guys are burning a fucking hole through my stomach, all right?
19:20I just spent all afternoon fixing this for you, now you want me to unfix it?
19:23Is this your first day in the game?
19:25I think he's wrapping up, so...
19:27Okay.
19:28How are you feeling?
19:29Well, I'm a political leper, and I'm an emotional time bomb.
19:33So here's an idea.
19:34Let's put me on stage.
19:36Selena Meyer!
19:44Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much.
19:49So wonderful.
19:51Please be seated.
19:52Thank you so much.
19:53It is my very...
19:54What are you waiting for?
19:55Give her the signal.
19:56What the fuck is the signal?
19:57There's no international signal to endorse.
19:59Use your fucking head.
20:00Give her a thumbs up or something.
20:02Oh, my goodness.
20:03Well, this has been quite the day.
20:07Hasn't it?
20:09We love you!
20:14You can't cry three times in a day.
20:16That's three strikes and you're out.
20:18How big are her tear ducts?
20:19It's like they're fucking Tidal.
20:21It's such a happy occasion, and...
20:27Jesus Christ.
20:29Fuck it. Don't endorse.
20:30I'm so glad to be here in the 17th State of the Union.
20:34My grandfather, he was from Cincinnati, as a matter of fact.
20:38Oh.
20:43We used to have a saying in our family.
20:45We used to say,
20:47we are awfully embarrassed by our buck teeth.
20:52But we were mighty proud of our buck eye.
20:59Okay, endorse.
21:00Endorse.
21:01Endorse.
21:02Yes.
21:04I am...
21:06I still, I still miss my grandpa.
21:09What is that, Popeye?
21:11No, be strong.
21:12He was the best.
21:13He was, he was such a strong man.
21:18From a, from a great state.
21:21And so, that's why, that's why I've come here today.
21:25I've come here today
21:29to give my 100% support
21:33to Congressman Roger Furlong
21:37to be the next, the best,
21:41Governor of Ohio!
21:46That's right, that's you. Come on up here.
21:53What the hell just happened?
21:55Oh, it's so great to be part of your feel-good moment.
21:57You're a dirty little prick.
21:59Oh, boy, thank you so much.
22:01Absolutely.
22:02Oh, boy.
22:03Don't forget your booster seat.
22:05Oh, shove it up your ass.
22:07Okay.
22:08Thanks so much.
22:12I hate that photographer who reads lips.
22:14He's not here, is he?
22:16No.
22:17That's a blessing.
22:19Did you see the Chicago Tribune?
22:20Oh, this is so great.
22:21I've never enjoyed reading this much.
22:23You know, my mom said that Selena looked human and vulnerable.
22:26Great.
22:27Not a compliment.
22:28She sees human vulnerability as a weakness.
22:30I like your mom.
22:31Don't talk about my mother, Dan.
22:33Good morning!
22:34Morning.
22:35Did you see the Chicago Tribune?
22:37I've seen it, I've read it, I've eaten it, I've showered in it.
22:41I'm back, my baby!
22:43Yeah, you look like a rubber Jesus.
22:46And Dan, get over here and shake my hand.
22:48What a great job you did.
22:50My pleasure.
22:51Seriously, getting me to endorse you.
22:53How about that round of applause?
22:55Come on, guys, give it up for him.
22:57Absolutely great.
22:59None of these people genuinely like you.
23:01Those fucking won't.
23:03Hey, everyone.
23:04Oh, hey!
23:05Hey, it's about time.
23:08Hey, Mike.
23:10POTUS is so excited about this new narrative.
23:14I engineered Selena crying on camera.
23:17I'm the puppet master.
23:18I'm the puppet master.
23:21I'm the puppet master.
23:22I'm Pinocchio.
23:24Pinocchio wasn't the puppet master, Mike.
23:26He was the puppet.
23:27Yeah, he was.
23:28Five-year-olds get that.
23:29Jonah, do you come bearing news from the Gentleman's Club?
23:33I come bearing a message of support from the President.
23:36Oh.
23:37As you know, he called.
23:38Sue, did the President call?
23:40No.
23:41Huh.
23:42Well, it wasn't an actual call.
23:44I am here in lieu of that call.
23:46But he and we are very...
23:48I have a very big announcement to make.
23:50I'd like everyone to follow me into my office, please.
23:53This-a-way.
23:54Okay, so, I am about to announce a certain realignment.
23:59Oh, Mike, I am sorry for your loss.
24:02Dan, you're getting a promotion.
24:05Wow.
24:07Thank you so much.
24:10I just signed for an auto lease.
24:11If I could get six months...
24:12I want you to be in charge of day-to-day rebuttal for me.
24:15All right?
24:16You'll be the new Director of Policy and Presentation.
24:20Thank you, ma'am.
24:21This is all I've ever wanted.
24:23This is all I've never wanted.
24:24Is he... Is Dan my boss now?
24:26Can I just say that this is really exciting to watch.
24:29I guess I've got some business to attend to.
24:32What business?
24:33Oh, you know what?
24:34That's a need-to-know basis, Mike, and you don't have to clear it.
24:36Funny.
24:37Is that true?
24:39This is sad.
24:40You're like an old panda that's gonna get put down at the zoo.
24:44They bring kids in to watch that.
24:46Fuck off.
24:47I'm assuming I'm safe.
24:50Amy, you pretended to have a miscarriage for me.
24:52You remain crucial to my policy team.
24:55All right, boys and girls, I got a promotion.
24:57All right, so first order of business is to issue a press release, which I already have written.
25:02Colette, if you do the honors, in the me file under phase one.
25:07Okay, and you and you, I need you to move this desk.
25:12Let's go.
25:13Give me that sad orphan face, all right?
25:15Take your little snack pack and your water bottle and get the fuck out.
25:18Hey, Dan.
25:19Yes?
25:20Congrats on the big promotion.
25:21You and I should grab another drink.
25:23Yeah, you know what?
25:24Brought it by my secretary.
25:25His name's Mike.
25:26No, no, no.
25:27You gotta move that back.
25:28I'm not gonna have you eyeballing me all day.
25:29That's not gonna go right there.
25:30Relax, cow-eyes.
25:31I'm not gonna be sitting here looking at your cow-eyes the whole time.
25:35Guys, see, it goes right here.
25:36Shit.
25:37What?
25:38What?
25:39What?
25:40Shit.
25:41Twitter eruption.
25:42What's going on?
25:43Um, you're trending, ma'am.
25:44I'm on Twitter, but it wants me to create a new account.
25:46I don't know how to do this.
25:47Well, then do that.
25:48What the fuck?
25:49Wait, what is it, Aime?
25:50This is the reporter from Ohio, Phoenicia.
25:51Uh-huh.
25:52Oh, wait, wait, wait.
25:53No, I got it, I got it.
25:54Uh, got played by team Veep.
25:56They wanted me to make her cry.
25:58Hashtag fake Veep Weep.
26:00What the fuck?
26:02What?
26:03Who wanted to make me cry?
26:04Mike engineered your crying, ma'am.
26:06He said that he was your puppet master.
26:09Actually, he said he was your Pinocchio, but I think he meant Geppetto, who was actually the puppet master.
26:13Mike, we got you to cry on camera.
26:16What the fuck, Mike?
26:18What the fuck, Mike?
26:19Aime, get into my office.
26:20Yeah.
26:21Mike, especially you, go into my office.
26:23Okay.
26:27Holy Christ, look at the size of this one.
26:29Buddy, I think you're as big as my gay dwarf.
26:32I need to see the vice president now.
26:34I'm sorry, I don't work here.
26:36Yeah, I do work in the West.
26:37Well, then get the hell out of my way, you leaning tower of, uh...
26:40Pizza.
26:41No.
26:42Shit.
26:43Good. Move it.
26:44Yes, sir.
26:45Hey, sweetcakes, I need to get in to see the Veep.
26:47Congressman, if you call me that again, you'll need to see a paramedic.
26:50Take care of that.
26:52Whoa, whoa, whoa.
26:53Did you think that I'm a crybaby?
26:55Sorry to barge in, Madam Vice President.
26:58Yeah.
26:59Larry, listen.
27:00Furlong is in the office.
27:02Don't talk to Furlong.
27:03You need to keep a low profile.
27:05I just issued a press release announcing my promotion.
27:09Bye, Gary.
27:11Frankly, ma'am, I'm angry.
27:13Well, tell her why.
27:14The press claims that you intentionally cried in order to divert attention away from the fact that we had to bust people into the fundraiser.
27:20Uh-huh.
27:21And now I'm being implicated in your disgusting little lies, and actually, I really don't feel like being dragged into the toilet with you, ma'am.
27:28Number one, Congressman.
27:32I'm sick of taking your shit, okay?
27:35Number two.
27:37Number one again.
27:38The crying was manipulated, ma'am. I was manipulated.
27:41And this meeting is now terminated because this was never a meeting to even begin with.
27:46You're going to need to leave because I'm not really aware of where my actions will take me, okay?
27:50What are you going to do? Are you going to choke me with some Spanx?
27:53Do you want to try me?
27:56You got breath mints in that bag? Let's go.
27:59Oh, you got a nice big red dot in the middle of your forehead, Danno, and it ain't a fucking bindi.
28:04Excuse me?
28:05You better saddle up, cowgirl.
28:07Because I'm going to ride this whole office into a congressional investigative hearing over the McCauley amendment and the attendant corruption.
28:12Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just relax.
28:14I think you might want to get yourself a helmet, okay?
28:17And a bulletproof vest and an iron jockstrap.
28:20Because you're going to get your head shot, your back stabbed, and your nuts danced on.
28:25Have a good Monday.
28:27Bye, Sue.
28:28All right, you're going to need to stay in your former position, okay? Keep a low profile.
28:33In your face, Dann.
28:37Um, ma'am, I may have already issued a press release regarding my promotion.
28:43Really? Can I unpromote you? I don't think so.
28:48You're still my boss again?
28:50Only in title, all right? You're still senior to him.
28:53Give me your fucking papers.
28:55Stop it.
28:56Give me your fucking papers.
28:57Stop it, okay? Please, Mike.
28:59Hey, uh, Dann, I'm going to take a rain check on that beer, okay?
29:02Oh, my God. So, let's see.
29:05The guy that I have just put in charge of rebutting is now in charge of rebutting questions over the McCauley amendment,
29:12which is the very thing he should be nowhere near rebutting.
29:16Right.
29:18I did warn you about him, ma'am.
29:19Okay, get out, Amy. Get out of my office.
29:27Okay.
29:38See, now, now I want to cry, but I can't cry.
29:45Can I get you a cup of tea?
29:46Yeah.
29:47Okay.
29:48You know, I mean, this job has fucked me up so bad.
29:53Now, I don't fucking know if I can cry anymore.
30:00I wouldn't worry about it, ma'am.
30:03I mean, you've only got four years of this, so, and eight years, I guess, if you got reelected.
30:10Obviously, twelve if you run for president.
30:15Sixteen, two-term.
30:18Two-term.
30:21So, think about that.
30:39Egan, right? Dan Egan. That's Dan with a capital D and Egan with an open your fucking ears.
30:46Yes, E as in ears.
30:50Okay.
30:51Yeah, a hold.
30:52Okay.
30:53When Dan goes home, I want that desk back here, okay?
30:57You know, she's busy. And tomorrow. Well, that's tomorrow in the plural. All of them.