Veep Season 2 Episode 3 Hostages
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00are you watching this look at this Sean Penn is doing more about the hostages
00:20and we are these poor kids they're like Katherine's age I'd be terrible in a
00:25hostage situation even as a hostage taker awesome ma'am no word yet from the
00:29secretary of defense about joining him at the Marine base no nothing from
00:33Maddox but he knows I've got a bigger role in the White House now which means
00:36I've got a bigger dick which means he can suck it I'm so happy about that
00:40how's my speech coming oh one minor change just one word really considered
00:44response is now gonna be robust response robust damn that's good yeah I mean it's
00:50subtle enough to seem loyal to POTUS that's gonna electrify DC that's my AC
00:55DC is a good word and you don't hear it often like I'm just yeah you know what
01:00it's what you want to hear in the hostage crisis robust not bump just Mike
01:05what do you think what do you think about robust bust yeah I like it makes
01:09me think of wine it's actually how I like my reds you like your red through a
01:13bendy straw too right Mike you got doing it on you Mike sue good luck at the
01:18hearing remember sue be dull I will are you here for a meeting I'm not
01:24expecting anyone sue I'm your fill-in Cliff hey I'm Gary I'm your neighbor
01:29remember take care of Selene okay VP stands for very precious okay okay
01:37Cliff yes this is the vehicle pedia is everything you'll ever need to know hope
01:44it comes with Cliff notes that was a play on my name my name is Cliff don't
01:51do jokes Cliff I don't have a sense of humor and neither should you good
01:59morning how do you make two perfectly pleasant words so irritating and here he
02:03is the man who can't take a leak without pulling his balls bring me my Cerise
02:08colored binder Jonah Cerise yes sir VP's base visit today
02:14Secretary of Defense Maddox is living up to his name he's mad as an ox I'm sure I
02:19can break up any catfights when I get there the VEAPS more concerned with the
02:23hostage situation yeah I was talking to POTUS last night he had a pro-strike
02:27hawk boner the size of Jonah and then you talked to him about it this morning
02:32and he suddenly totally against the operation all I do is provide POTUS with
02:37the polls cold numbers god I hate numbers I mean there's cultures don't
02:41even have any numbers and they do just fine well Ben it seems like you're ill
02:45suited for your job and you should resign Ben's breakdown aside the VP
02:49feels we need a quick military strike here yeah precise and surgical like your
02:53lobotomy can't be Cerise binders there no that's cherry red Cerise I'm sorry
03:00sir I must have a very specific form of colorblindness I cook these noodles
03:05every day oh the noodle analogy you guys are gonna love this I will be they need
03:14to be heated at 800 watts for three minutes and 35 seconds any more and
03:18they'll dry out any less and they will be flaccid and damp like a lady's hair
03:23in the ring why are we talking about noodles no let me rephrase that why the
03:27fuck are we talking about noodles I'll tell you why hostage crisis noodles same
03:32principle both require precision timing neither should be rushed inaction only
03:37becomes intenable when more than 65% of Americans support intervention even with
03:41casualties so you'd like me to tell the vice president we do nothing until then
03:46waiting is not doing nothing I choose to wait for my noodles even though my
03:51salivary glands are crying out to me like newly hatched birds but they will
03:56thank me because I waited until well you just timed out that whole shit analogy
04:07for your little ding that is fucking pathetic
04:16hey we heard anything from Maddox he's spitting bullets cuz I'm showing up at
04:21the base nothing really not it oh it's eerie right it is airy
04:27we're in there I guess okay thanks probably got his head stuck in her ass
04:37yes I do oh my gosh yes you've got five minutes of deep time before Maddox
04:43arrives yeah saluting you and they don't salute indoors can I don't salute indoors
04:47Gary good morning marine you served in Iraq I see and we're were you anywhere
04:54near M bar M bar wonderful and this base houses marine too I understand that
05:02marine too is here and did you know in the CD player I've got ride of the
05:07Valkyries apocalypse now that's where my favorite films it's dark but I like it
05:13Marines like to be called devil dogs you are a bunch of devil dogs that's what I
05:17hear I was married to a devil dog but he wasn't a marine he's more of a devil
05:24she's so funny thank you for your service good morning
05:31marine he is a nice nice face thank you ma'am and where did you serve marine
05:40these small arms have a max effective range of 25 yards small arms means guns
05:57man oh really Gary not t-rex hands mr. secretary would you like to try I'm good
06:03I fired a gun before in anger too I might add oh but why don't you give it a
06:10try madam vice-president
06:19what the fuck this could backfire it's not gonna back the gun could literally
06:24backfire that's where the phrase comes from and this could really chap Maddox's
06:28ass oh yeah I would wouldn't it could chip a veneer and I don't really want
06:32that to happen I don't care I'm going in you know what let's lock and load what
06:36do you say yeah here he is Kanye West wing congressman Ramsey right no I'm
06:45Cliff I'm sue sue I'm the boy named sue what Cliff when I said no jokes that
06:51wasn't a joke sue has there's efficiency hearing you got to keep it dull okay
06:56give him a blah job blah blah blah blah blah I know Jonah that's what everyone's
07:01been saying keep it dull which incidentally is also don't I'd like to
07:08first of all thank the vice president for waiving executive privilege in the
07:13interest of transparency and allowing miss Wilson to join us today you think
07:20she's nervous why would she be nervous the only people watching this are you
07:25and some guy in the hospital with a locked-in syndrome if I may I'd like to
07:29begin with percentages of your office budget dedicated to international and
07:34domestic transportation my pulse is racing sir here you are madam vice
07:38president ensure you keep your finger straight and off the trigger all right
07:41this is fun if you don't mind my saying ma'am there speaketh a civilian all
07:47right there speaketh a prick
07:59I'm sorry these fellas have heard a lot worse than that man tremendous shot by
08:06the way really oh how about that fastest gun in the West Wing
08:11you see that yes ma'am how about it as you know we have a very special guest
08:16here today it would have been nice to have been consulted about your speech
08:20man I could have given you some advice I know what I'm doing George with this
08:25hostage situation I don't think you have the intelligence as in Intel of
08:33course ma'am are you serious are you actually questioning my qualifications
08:38George well there are just some security issues with the four countries that
08:44neighbor Uzbekistan you know zip or is it five or is it six or is it seven you
08:56don't know do you it's fine so first please welcome the Secretary of Defense
09:05George Maddox now I'd like to work on breaking down the vice president's
09:24official versus political duties if we can sir I was told that I'd be asked
09:30questions about efficiency so far you've barely asked me any your
09:35efficiency hearing isn't very efficient you want to question what can you tell
09:40me about this visit to the Marine base at Quantico the government sending two
09:44different motorcades the defense secretaries and the VPs to the same
09:49location that doesn't seem very efficient oh shit a shark this is why I
09:53told her to be so do you not have measures in place to prevent this kind
09:59of wasteful duplication of government resources sir we have a system that I
10:03believe to be robust robust robust and you don't think it's a sign that your
10:12office is poorly managed our management team is robust okay now she just sounds
10:21mentally ill sir have somewhere you're supposed to be I'm working remotely I'm
10:27guessing you have one of those word-a-day calendars and I know what
10:30the word for today is it's robust would you like to give me a definition as well
10:36well I'm guessing that you think you have a sense of humor mr. Hessler but
10:42you are wrong about as you are about the calendar that is my definition of robust
10:48my speech is a face melter these buzz cuts are gonna flip it's not your
10:52speech my fingerprints are all over that sucker they're sticky and they're on the
10:56back my time to robust and not all over this place no shit we can't what
11:03won't sue she just used robust three times the hearing no she did yeah no no
11:08Selena can't use that now we need another word it's just a synonym for robust
11:12give me something give me a word any word no it's too aggressive we don't
11:16okay
11:19determine that's the exact same thing is resolute well then we just want
11:22explosive crunchy fearless I'm just saying we're strong strong strong strong
11:26strong guys here I need the speech I need the vice president's here
11:29in case you're on your van go back off
11:34thank you
11:36thank you
11:38good morning marines
11:40oorah
11:42oorah
11:44my goodness
11:46ha ha ha
11:48we who have answered the call
11:50to serve this great nation
11:52know this
11:54that those who challenge
11:56our freedoms
11:58can expect a robust
12:00response
12:02and there goes the R bomb
12:04I thought we weren't doing robust
12:06I thought we were still inconsiderate
12:08we have the best military
12:10in the world
12:14and we are
12:16not afraid
12:20hey Mike
12:22stick a thermometer up Washington's ass
12:24see how much heat I just created
12:27parting the cheeks
12:31you know robust is my word
12:33she sold my word
12:35she was supposed to be dull Mike
12:37did you see that photo of me in Politico
12:39my god I look constipated
12:41no you don't
12:43meet me in my office
12:45you don't look constipated you look the opposite of it
12:47what's the opposite of constipated Mike
12:49relieved
12:51no relieved is not the opposite of constipated Mike
12:53hang up the phone dummy
12:55have you seen this yet
12:57what is it
12:59VP sister act
13:01robusting the moves
13:03and there's also
13:05yeah
13:07what in the living fuck is this
13:09it's a word cloud from this morning's DC press
13:11the size of each word
13:13corresponds to its total number of uses
13:15do people not use sentences anymore
13:17well I mean your word
13:19I mean robust is dominating
13:21so you know that's good
13:24it's there too
13:26well where's Selena
13:28oh it
13:30yeah
13:32I just saw it
13:34ha
13:36there it is
13:38look how teeny tiny that is
13:40it's bigger than Collapse
13:42it's teeny tiny because technically you have four names
13:44Vice President Selena Meyer
13:46plus all the nicknames that we don't talk about
13:48I mean
13:50Sue only has one name like
13:52hey Sue
13:54Bigfoot
13:56Sue
13:58yes ma'am
14:00what
14:02you're not fucking Sue
14:04I'm Cliff
14:06I'm filling in for Sue
14:08while she preps for her return appearance on the 6th
14:10she has a return appearance
14:12what does she need an encore for
14:14yeah it's an encore
14:16start popping your popcorn
14:18okay thank you very much
14:21yes it is
14:23all right I put together one card for each senator
14:25and actually ma'am I had some ideas about some opportunities here
14:27I think it would be a good idea
14:29if we focus more on each senator's particular
14:31policy interest rather than
14:33small talk
14:35yeah I don't think that's a bad idea
14:37yeah take the coat
14:39that makes sense to me
14:41oh there's Sue
14:43okay get away from me
14:45Sue
14:47no the real Sue
14:50Sue
14:52Sue
14:54Sue
14:56Sue
14:58Sue
15:00Sue
15:02Sue
15:04Sue
15:06Sue
15:08Sue
15:10Sue
15:12Sue
15:14Sue
15:16Sue
15:18Sue
15:20Sue
15:22Sue
15:24Sue
15:26Sue
15:28Sue
15:30Sue
15:32Sue
15:34Sue
15:36Sue
15:38Sue
15:40Sue
15:42Sue
15:44Sue
15:47Sue
15:49Sue
15:51Sue
15:53Sue
15:55Sue
15:57Sue
15:59Sue
16:01Sue
16:03Sue
16:05Sue
16:07Sue
16:09Sue
16:11Sue
16:13Sue
16:15Sue
16:17Sue
16:19Sue
16:21Sue
16:23Sue
16:25Sue
16:27Sue
16:29Sue
16:31Sue
16:33Sue
16:35Sue
16:37Sue
16:39Sue
16:41Sue
16:44Sue
16:46Sue
16:48Sue
16:50Sue
16:52Sue
16:54Sue
16:56Sue
16:58Sue
17:00Sue
17:02Sue
17:04Sue
17:06Sue
17:08Sue
17:10Sue
17:12Sue
17:14Sue
17:16Sue
17:18Sue
17:20Sue
17:22Sue
17:24Sue
17:26Sue
17:28Sue
17:30Sue
17:32Sue
17:34Sue
17:36Sue
17:38Sue
17:41Sue
17:43Sue
17:45Sue
17:47Sue
17:49Sue
17:51Sue
17:53Sue
17:55Sue
17:57Sue
17:59Sue
18:01Sue
18:03Sue
18:05Sue
18:07Sue
18:09Sue
18:11Sue
18:13Sue
18:15Sue
18:17Sue
18:19Sue
18:21Sue
18:23Sue
18:25Sue
18:27Sue
18:29Sue
18:31Sue
18:33Sue
18:35Sue
18:38Sue
18:40Sue
18:42Sue
18:44Sue
18:46Sue
18:48Sue
18:50Sue
18:52Sue
18:54Sue
18:56Sue
18:58Sue
19:00Sue
19:02Sue
19:04Sue
19:07Sue
19:09Sue
19:11Sue
19:13Sue
19:15Sue
19:17Sue
19:19Sue
19:21Sue
19:23Sue
19:25Sue
19:27Sue
19:29Sue
19:31Sue
19:33Sue
19:35Sue
19:37Sue
19:39Sue
19:41Sue
19:43Sue
19:45Sue
19:47Sue
19:49Sue
19:51Sue
19:53Sue
19:55Sue
19:57Sue
19:59Sue
20:01Sue
20:04Sue
20:06Sue
20:08Sue
20:10Sue
20:12Sue
20:14Sue
20:16Sue
20:18Sue
20:20Sue
20:22Sue
20:24Sue
20:26Sue
20:28Sue
20:30Sue
20:32Sue
20:34Sue
20:36Sue
20:38Sue
20:40Sue
20:42Sue
20:44Sue
20:46Sue
20:48Sue
20:50Sue
20:52Sue
20:54Sue
20:56Sue
20:58Sue
21:01Sue
21:03Sue
21:05Sue
21:07Sue
21:09Sue
21:11Sue
21:13Sue
21:15Sue
21:17Sue
21:19Sue
21:21Sue
21:23Sue
21:25Sue
21:27Sue
21:29Sue
21:31Sue
21:33Sue
21:35Sue
21:37Sue
21:39Sue
21:41Sue
21:43Sue
21:45Sue
21:47Sue
21:49Sue
21:51Sue
21:53Sue
21:55Sue
21:58Sue
22:00Sue
22:02Sue
22:04Sue
22:06Sue
22:08Sue
22:10Sue
22:12Sue
22:14Sue
22:16Sue
22:18Sue
22:20Sue
22:22Sue
22:24Sue
22:27Sue
22:29Sue
22:31Sue
22:33Sue
22:35Sue
22:37Sue
22:39Sue
22:41Sue
22:43Sue
22:45Sue
22:47Sue
22:49Sue
22:51Sue
22:53Sue
22:55Sue
22:57Sue
22:59Sue
23:01Sue
23:03Sue
23:05Sue
23:07Sue
23:09Sue
23:11Sue
23:13Sue
23:15Sue
23:17Sue
23:19Sue
23:21Sue
23:24Sue
23:26Sue
23:28Sue
23:30Sue
23:32Sue
23:34Sue
23:36Sue
23:38Sue
23:40Sue
23:42Sue
23:44Sue
23:46Sue
23:48Sue
23:50Sue
23:52Sue
23:54Sue
23:56Sue
23:58Sue
24:00Sue
24:02Sue
24:04Sue
24:06Sue
24:08Sue
24:10Sue
24:12Sue
24:14Sue
24:16Sue
24:18Sue
24:20Sue
24:22Sue
24:24Sue
24:26Sue
24:28Sue
24:30Sue
24:32Sue
24:34Sue
24:36Sue
24:38Sue
24:40Sue
24:42Sue
24:44Sue
24:46Sue
24:48Sue
24:50Sue
24:52Sue
24:54Sue
24:56Sue
24:58Sue
25:00Sue
25:02Sue
25:04Sue
25:06Sue
25:08Sue
25:10Sue
25:12Sue
25:14Sue
25:16Sue
25:18Sue
25:20Sue
25:22Sue
25:24Sue
25:26Sue
25:28Sue
25:30Sue
25:32Sue
25:34Sue
25:36Sue
25:38Sue
25:40Sue
25:42Sue
25:44Sue
25:46Sue
25:48Sue
25:50Sue
25:52Sue
25:54Sue
25:56Sue
25:58Sue
26:00Sue
26:02Sue
26:04Sue
26:06Sue
26:08Sue
26:10Sue
26:12Sue
26:14Sue
26:16Sue
26:18Sue
26:20Sue
26:22Sue
26:24Sue
26:26Sue
26:28Sue
26:30Sue
26:32Sue
26:34Sue
26:36Sue
26:38Sue
26:40Sue
26:42Sue
26:44Sue
26:46Sue
26:48Sue
26:50Sue
26:52Sue
26:54Sue
26:56Sue
26:58Sue
27:00Sue
27:02Sue
27:04Sue
27:06Sue
27:08Sue
27:10Sue
27:12Sue
27:14Sue
27:16Sue
27:18Sue
27:20Sue
27:22Sue
27:24Sue
27:26Sue
27:28Sue
27:30Sue
27:32Sue
27:34Sue
27:36Sue
27:38Sue
27:40Sue
27:42Sue
27:44Sue
27:46Sue
27:48Sue
27:50Sue
27:52Sue
27:54Sue
27:56Sue
27:58Sue
28:00Sue
28:02Sue
28:04Sue
28:06Sue
28:08Sue
28:10Sue
28:12Sue
28:14Sue
28:16Sue
28:18Sue
28:20Sue
28:22Sue
28:24Sue
28:26Sue
28:28Sue
28:30Sue
28:32Sue
28:34Sue
28:36Sue
28:38Sue
28:40Sue
28:42Sue
28:44Sue
28:46Sue
28:48Sue
28:50Sue
28:52Sue
28:54Sue
28:56Sue
28:58Sue
29:00I lost a man his leg please stop saying that ma'am he'll bounce back I got a
29:07feeling ma'am the vice president sometimes has to do bad things to make
29:11good things happen the leg is just the price of admission to the place you
29:16wanted to be well maybe we could invite him to the White House oh you know once
29:21he's back up on his sure we'll roll out the ramps
29:29ma'am some of the prosthetic legs they have these days are as good as real
29:34legs I guarantee you they're better than my shitty legs I hate my legs in fact if
29:41I had the choice huh
29:47I'm gonna hey man how would you like like a nice little almond croissant oh
29:57yeah I'd love that okay can you make it a big one you know so you can stuff me
30:05inside of it and smuggle me out of here of course I can and there might be a
30:10little raspberry surprise okay thank you my pleasure