Malcolm In The Middle Season 1 Episode 14 The Bots And The Bees
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00:00Get him, get him!
00:13Get him!
00:27He got one!
00:30Yes, no, maybe.
00:38I don't know.
00:40Can you repeat the question?
00:44You're not the boss of me now.
00:47You're not the boss of me now.
00:50You're not the boss of me now.
00:52And you're not so big.
00:55You're not the boss of me now.
00:58You're not the boss of me now.
01:00You're not the boss of me now.
01:03And you're not so big.
01:07Life is unfair.
01:11Okay, give me the tape.
01:17Why don't we get caught?
01:19Don't worry about it, no one's home.
01:21Get it up to the best part.
01:27It's BattleBot!
01:29And it's a free for all at the Battle Arena.
01:31I thought this was porno.
01:37Ew.
01:38No, this is better.
01:39And no one's excluded.
01:41Come on, this is the lamest thing I've...
01:47Oh my God, is that real?
01:49It's an open competition.
01:51People build killer robots, put them in a ring and see which one comes out alive.
01:56Killer robots?
01:58I can't believe it.
02:00Finally something cool about being smart.
02:03I wish we could do that.
02:06We were hoping you'd say that.
02:09Here's the deal.
02:10We want to enter the competition.
02:12We've got the designs, we've got the desire, and we're not distracted by any kind of social life.
02:19The only problem is that our parents would never allow us to build something that dangerous.
02:24That means we need a place with a total lack of caring adult supervision.
02:30That's my house!
02:33But those things look really expensive.
02:37No problem.
02:38My father tries to buy my love.
02:41Who's your daddy?
02:49Push!
02:51What are the odds, huh?
02:53Are Francis having an emergency appendectomy two months after using the same excuse to ditch school?
02:59Well, he was never very lucky.
03:01Oh, I need you to call work and tell him I won't be coming in.
03:04Will do.
03:06Oh, there's my cab.
03:11What's that all about?
03:18A little something to remember me by.
03:21You know, it just occurred to me that we have not been apart for one night in 18 years.
03:26You gonna be okay with that?
03:28I think I can manage without my mommy for a few days.
03:32I told you that baby voice creeps me out.
03:35Sorry.
03:36Ten hut!
03:37Well, cadet, I see you survived.
03:42Yes, sir.
03:44I brought you a little something to take your mind off the pain.
03:50It's a good opportunity for you to catch up on your homework.
03:54Take it from me.
03:55A lengthy hospital stay is the perfect environment to focus your mind and attack weaknesses in your character.
04:03If it hadn't been for this, I never would have learned conversational French.
04:11Carry on.
04:16Sorry, man.
04:17I was this close to going medieval on him.
04:20You feeling okay?
04:21I feel like I have a belly full of broken glass.
04:25Every time I breathe in, I almost pass out from the pain.
04:29This is the single greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
04:33What?
04:34Well, for as long as I can remember, my mom has been torturing me with guilt.
04:39I've never been able to fight back, but this is perfect.
04:43Her firstborn child almost dies a thousand miles from home, and she's the one who sent me here.
04:50She can't dismiss it.
04:52She can't argue about it.
04:54She can't twist it around and make it my fault.
04:57It's beautiful.
04:58Ah!
04:59Dude, you almost died.
05:01I want you to say that again when she gets here.
05:03Oh, this poor woman has no idea what she's walking into.
05:09Okay.
05:10Mom's only going to be gone for about four or five days.
05:13We have to prioritize.
05:14What are you asking Dad for?
05:16I want to wear my pajamas to school.
05:18I'm getting a scope for my BB gun.
05:20You don't have a BB gun.
05:22Not yet.
05:24Okay.
05:25But since I'm asking to build a killer robot, I should go first.
05:29Why?
05:30Because anything after killer robot is going to sound reasonable.
05:38Dad?
05:39Yeah?
05:40A couple friends and I want to explore engineering and machining skills.
05:45Sounds great.
05:46So, um...
05:47You think it'd be alright if a bunch of cowboys and I build a robot in the house?
05:52Yeah, fine.
05:53Whoa!
05:54That was easy!
05:55Even for him!
05:57Be strong.
05:58Lois will get through her operation.
06:10She is a fighter.
06:11No, no, no.
06:12Craig, it was Francis.
06:14Oh, my God!
06:16Did he shoot her?
06:18I knew it.
06:19I still told her to stay away from him.
06:22That boy has been nothing but trouble.
06:25Craig, Lois did not have an operation.
06:28Our son Francis did.
06:30See, she just went down to Alabama to look after him for a while.
06:35Oh.
06:36Tell Lois I stopped by.
06:41I can't believe my mom missed them putting my catheter in.
06:46Maybe I should take it out so they can reinsert it when she gets here.
06:50Or maybe you could...
06:52I don't know.
06:53Shut up about your mom for half a second.
06:56No one's that bad.
06:58Hey, I've been sugarcoating it for you because you're enfeebled.
07:02Francis!
07:03You can just see for yourself.
07:06Hi, honey.
07:08You look terrible.
07:11You think that's gonna appease your guilt?
07:14What guilt?
07:16It's stuffy in here.
07:18That can't be good for you.
07:20You look pasty.
07:22Have you had a bowel movement?
07:24When is the last time you moved your bowels?
07:26Mom.
07:27Hello.
07:28Who are you?
07:30Edwin Spangler.
07:31I am commandant of Marlon Academy.
07:34Good for you.
07:37Where's your eye?
07:39Pardon?
07:40Do your ears work?
07:42Do you have some business with my son?
07:44He needs to rest.
07:46Well, I stopped by to pick up your boys' homework.
07:49Homework?
07:50You're not giving him homework.
07:52My son nearly lost his life.
07:54Something that never would have happened if you'd taken proper care of him in the first place.
07:58Well, I assure you, ma'am, had it not been for Francis' long history of crying wolf.
08:04Crying wolf?
08:06You listen to me, you idiot.
08:08My child is sick.
08:10He does not need you marching in here puffing up your little chest and making his life more miserable than it already is.
08:16Why don't you just go play army man somewhere else?
08:20He's gone.
08:22He's gone.
08:23He's gone.
08:24He's gone.
08:25He's gone.
08:26He's gone.
08:27He's gone.
08:28He's gone.
08:29He's gone.
08:30God, she is magnificent.
08:33Oh, my God.
08:37Dude, your mom rocks.
08:39It's me in here.
09:02Oh, my God.
09:05You got a girl, Rizzo?
09:19Yes, sir.
09:20I miss her something awful.
09:21As soon as I get home, I'm going to marry her.
09:23Rizzo!
09:35No, we need a box between speed and torque.
09:38This is great.
09:40I can make a huge mess, build a killer robot, and Mom's not here to yell at us.
09:45I don't even mind having crowboys in the house.
09:48Do we all want a direct continuous linear relation between the rotary actuator and the
09:54robot's translational displacement, or am I just some kind of crazy dreamer?
09:59What about my design for the polycarbonate body?
10:02It's a butterfly.
10:05Correction, killer butterfly, beautiful yet deadly.
10:12The perfect killing machine.
10:14It's too unreliable.
10:15It's got to be more simple, like a sledgehammer or a super-heated spike shut out by power
10:20charges.
10:21Yeah, but that's not going to be easy to be done.
10:23What's this stuff?
10:24We were just sort of fooling around with some ideas.
10:28Let's have a look.
10:30Well, I'd go with a flamethrower.
10:36That would destroy everything within a ten-foot perimeter.
10:39Of course, a lot could be said for that high-voltage probe.
10:43Sir, before you continue, I feel I have to mention that our parents strongly disapprove of
10:50this.
10:51Sorry.
10:53Sorry.
10:54My therapy says it's a compulsion.
10:56Well, I guess you shouldn't tell your parents then.
11:03Wow.
11:05Your father's lack of responsibility is both terrifying and oddly thrilling.
11:17I can't apologize enough for these barbaric accommodations.
11:24You deserve so much more.
11:27Oh, no.
11:28This is fine.
11:30Why are all the hotel rooms booked?
11:32The all-Alabama gay rodeo is in town again.
11:35It's homosexuals riding horses and such.
11:38It does wonders for the local economy, but you have to fight the crowds for everything.
11:46If you're interested, I have some passes.
11:48No, thanks.
11:49Another time then.
11:52Bonsoir.
11:56You know, this room isn't so bad.
12:05The way you whined about it, I thought it was going to be a couple of cots and a drain
12:10in the floor.
12:11What are you doing?
12:12You're stinky.
12:13I'm going to give you a sponge bath.
12:15You're not giving me a sponge bath.
12:18Arms up.
12:20Just because you had surgery is no reason to be a pig.
12:24Mom, did you know that I almost died?
12:26No, you did not almost die.
12:28My appendix burst.
12:30They had to vacuum out the contents of my intestines.
12:34You could not possibly comprehend the pain that I was in.
12:37That I am in.
12:38Yeah.
12:39I don't know anything about pain.
12:41What with four boys totaling 112 hours of labor, you being half of that, I might add.
12:47I'm sorry that I came out feet first, Mom.
12:50That's okay, honey.
12:51I forgave you years ago.
12:53Oh, God.
12:55That tattoo.
12:56I like the tattoo, Mom.
12:58What is it with the men in this family and tattoos?
13:01It took me five years to get your father to burn his off.
13:06What are you, growing potatoes in there?
13:10Dad had a tattoo?
13:11Yeah.
13:12He put a great big Lois right across his rear end.
13:16I actually thought I'd be flattered by it.
13:18Oh, that guy was such a mess when I met him.
13:22Between the motorcycle and the drinking and the fighting.
13:27He was so reckless, it was crazy.
13:30Where do you think you boys get it from?
13:32It just doesn't sound like Dad.
13:34Yeah, well, that was a long time ago.
13:36Your father has been quite a project.
13:39Spent years hounding him and scolding him and constantly watching him.
13:45But finally I got all that rebellion right out of him.
13:51I can't believe Dad had a wild side.
13:54Yeah, well, someday you're going to meet a nice girl.
13:57She's going to do the same thing for you.
13:59Do your lowers.
14:15Dad?
14:35Oh, hey, son.
14:37What are you doing?
14:38I just thought I'd help your kids out with your robot.
14:41You know, it's amazing how much you can get accomplished when you don't sleep.
14:45at all.
14:47I think we've got a little something up our sleeve for the competition.
15:05Dad!
15:06I know, it's still a little slow.
15:07But wait till I put on the big plate.
15:15I need your heart and thus avenge my father.
15:22Well, we just finished the 45th and final video of the Shaolin Dragon series.
15:27We are now officially desensitized to violence.
15:30How many sodas have you had?
15:36I don't know.
15:37I don't know.
15:38I don't know.
15:39I don't know.
15:40Look, I can write on my tongue.
15:42Well, we can start it on monks of death.
15:46Or lighten things up with a little samurai blood fest.
15:55We've had a vote.
15:56No.
15:57We're backing out of the contest.
15:58What?
15:59Your father has commandeered this project and twisted it toward his own mad ends.
16:04We want our blueprints back.
16:06We can do this the easy way.
16:14Or we can do this the hard.
16:24Come on.
16:25My dad's in the backyard.
16:27Way.
16:38Dad?
16:39Hey, boys.
16:40The guys went there.
16:42Are you smoking?
16:43Well, listen.
16:44No.
16:45I'm just playing around.
16:48Listen, Bill.
16:49Tell your mom, okay?
16:50She'd kill me if she found out.
16:52She worked so hard to get me to stop.
16:54Oh, God.
16:55How we miss that woman.
17:00Um, the guys want their blueprints back.
17:02Oh, yeah.
17:03They're over there.
17:04I have gone way past that.
17:07Hey, picture this.
17:09A laser-guided bee cannon.
17:12Bees shot out with the precision of a laser.
17:15How would that hurt a robot?
17:17Oh, I think.
17:19It's not for the robot.
17:20It's for the guy controlling the robot.
17:23Buzz-zap!
17:24You're going home with a plaque or ribbon or whatever crappy award they give you for winning.
17:35This.
17:36This.
17:37Will end.
17:38Badly.
17:39There we go.
17:40Badly.
17:41There we go.
17:42Oh!
17:43Oh!
17:44Oh!
17:45Oh!
17:46Oh!
17:47Oh!
17:48I hear you, old fella!
17:49You're not alone!
17:50Oh!
17:51Oh!
17:52Oh!
17:53Oh!
17:54Oh!
17:55Oh!
17:56Oh!
17:57Oh!
17:58Oh!
17:59Oh!
18:00Oh!
18:01Oh!
18:02Oh!
18:03I hear you, old fella!
18:04Oh!
18:05Oh!
18:06Oh!
18:07Oh!
18:08Oh!
18:09Oh!
18:10Come on!
18:11Oh!
18:12Oh!
18:13Oh!
18:14Oh!
18:15letting me win, aren't you? I'm really
18:16not. I know. I'm just rubbing it
18:19in.
18:21Rubbing it in.
18:24Your mom is great.
18:28This isn't
18:29my mom.
18:30It's an act.
18:32Some kind of freaky mind game she's playing
18:34with me. Any second
18:36now her face is gonna split open and she's gonna
18:38reveal herself for the evil banshee
18:40she really is.
18:41Man, I don't know
18:44why she puts up with you.
18:49Anyone for doubles?
18:50Nope. All right
18:52then.
18:58Oh, hi, honey. Where you been?
19:00I want you to leave.
19:02What? I want you
19:04to leave. You made your phony
19:06point. You made me look like an idiot.
19:08Mission accomplished. Okay.
19:10You know what? I have
19:12had it with you, mister.
19:14You have done nothing but bitch and moan
19:16since I got here and I've been nothing but pleasant.
19:18Exactly. Oh, but you complain when I'm
19:20pleasant and you complain when I'm not pleasant?
19:22There's no winning with you.
19:24Why don't you just tell me exactly how you want me
19:26to behave every second of the day and we'll see if that
19:28satisfies you? This isn't fair.
19:31You're taking my pain
19:32and you're twisting it into your guilt
19:34trip. Fine.
19:36Why don't I just leave then? Fine.
19:38I just want to celebrate
19:45another day of living
19:48Mom being gone
19:50was fun at first, but this
19:52is getting out of control.
20:00Please be mom. Please be mom.
20:02Please be mom.
20:04Hello?
20:04Hello?
20:04Oh, hi, Mr. Jackson.
20:10Well, yes, I do have a very good reason for not going into work today.
20:15Well, how about this?
20:17I didn't come to work because somehow I felt that eight hours of joyless,
20:23mind-numbing crap just didn't seem like fun.
20:26Well, I guess we're just going to have to agree to disagree.
20:31I thought your flight wasn't until 11.
20:53It isn't.
20:54So, you have some extra time.
20:58Want to do something?
21:02We're in the middle of Alabama.
21:04What is there to do?
21:07Yeah, rodeo's in town.
21:09That can be interesting.
21:11Well, that's what you want to do.
21:13Look, it isn't really what I want to do.
21:15I'm trying to be pleasant.
21:16We'll go.
21:21Please be mom.
21:24Craig!
21:25You just brought by your mom's paycheck.
21:27Tell her I'm the one that brought it by.
21:29Wait.
21:30We need your help.
21:31My dad's going crazy.
21:32He hasn't slept in four days.
21:34He's smoking.
21:35He's dancing around in his underwear.
21:37He's ripping bones out of the walls.
21:39You've got to stop him.
21:42Don't worry, son.
21:44I'll handle this.
21:45What are you doing?
21:50You don't expect me to tackle something like this on an empty stomach.
21:59Hey, buddy.
22:01Well, well.
22:03Who do we have here?
22:05The boy here says you could use some company.
22:08No, I got my sons.
22:09We're bonding.
22:15What the hell is that thing?
22:18That thing is a little project we have been working on around here.
22:23A secret deadly project.
22:26Hal?
22:28Why don't you turn off the machine and sit down?
22:32Why don't you stop telling me what to do?
22:35Why don't you sit down like I asked you to?
22:45Look, fats.
22:47I don't want you around my house anymore.
22:51Hey, you don't go to the fat thing, I won't go to the crazy thing.
22:55Dad, cut it out.
22:59Come on, it's not funny anymore.
23:00It's wrong.
23:01Hey, Uncle.
23:02No.
23:03Just say it.
23:04We can stop this right now with a little dignity if you just say it.
23:09I won't say it.
23:11One simple word.
23:14Uncle.
23:14Uh-uh, you said dunkle.
23:18Now you have to say uncle in my butt.
23:21Don't let me up!
23:23Dad, you have to stop it!
23:25You're right.
23:27I've got better things to do.
23:29Dad, what are you doing?
23:32I think me and Lois number two here are going to go down to work and pay a little visit to Mr. Jackson's Lexus.
23:40Hey!
23:41Dad, don't move.
23:42What are you doing?
23:45I'm stopping you from quitting your job by threatening you with a killer robot.
23:51I wish this felt half as cool as it sounds.
23:54Just turn it off, Malcolm.
23:56Stop being crazy.
23:58Just put the remote down.
24:02You have no idea what this machine is capable of.
24:07Why don't you just sit down?
24:08And why don't you just put the remote down?
24:12Dad, please.
24:15Malcolm?
24:21Why'd you both just shut up?
24:23Run.
24:37No kidding.
24:37Run.
24:44Oh, no.
24:44Call animal control.
25:13You ripped the phone out of the wall.
25:19Go.
25:21To.
25:22The nigger.
25:24They won't let us over anymore.
25:28Do.
25:30Something.
25:32Why don't we just all sit down and no one will do anything until Mom gets home.
25:36Okay.
25:39Okay.
25:39Okay.
25:53I gotta say, as far as gay rodeos go, this looks pretty entertaining.
25:58Are you sure you're not embarrassed to be seen with your mother?
26:00Huh?
26:01Nah.
26:02I gotta say, as far as gay rodeos go, this looks pretty good.
26:03I gotta say, as far as gay rodeos go, this looks pretty good.
26:04I gotta say, as far as gay rodeos go, this looks pretty good.
26:05I gotta say, as far as gay rodeos go, this looks pretty good.
26:06I gotta say, as far as gay rodeos go, this looks pretty good.
26:07I gotta say, as far as gay rodeos go, this looks pretty good.
26:08I gotta say, as far as gay rodeos go, this looks pretty good.
26:09I gotta say, as far as gay rodeos go, this looks pretty good.
26:10I gotta say, as far as gay rodeos go, this looks pretty good.
26:11I gotta say, as far as gay rodeos go, this looks pretty good.
26:12I gotta say, as far as gay rodeos go, this looks pretty good.
26:13Thank you very much.
26:43Thank you very much.