SOAP Season 1 episodes 5-6
SOAP Season 1 episodes 5-6
Transcript
00:00This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
00:11Jessica lives in a neighborhood known as Rich.
00:16Jessica likes life.
00:17The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all
00:22to music.
00:24The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
00:30We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
00:35Mary too likes life.
00:37Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
00:41As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
00:47They do, however, have as many secrets.
00:55In last week's episode of Soap, Chester's secretary, Claire, had arranged for Chester's
00:59mistress, Pigeon, to find them together at lunch, thus ending Chester's relationship
01:04with Pigeon.
01:05But that's not all.
01:06Claire has threatened to report Chester's illegal business activities if Chester doesn't
01:11divorce Jessica.
01:12Jessica has tried to end it with Peter but couldn't, but tells Mary she'll see him
01:16again to see if she can.
01:18Jody has found that his quarterback boyfriend, in order to protect his image, has a girlfriend.
01:23Jody tells him that since he's planning a sex change operation for that very same reason,
01:28his boyfriend can get rid of his girlfriend.
01:30Danny has tried to follow the Godfather's orders to kill Bert but couldn't.
01:34Confused?
01:35You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
01:46I'm trying, Godfather, I'm trying.
01:52I mean, it's not the easiest thing in the world to do.
01:55Oh, well, uh, well, uh, well, he took the gun out of my hand.
02:03He took the gun out of my hand.
02:06It's a long story.
02:07I can't go into it.
02:08Hey, Danny.
02:09Si, si.
02:10Everyone.
02:11Eloy.
02:12Ci parliamo.
02:13Ciao.
02:14I thought I'd make us some blueberry pancakes this morning.
02:17Great.
02:18I love blueberry pancakes.
02:19Reminds me of my childhood in Pittsburgh.
02:22Not that we actually grew blueberries in Pittsburgh, nothing actually grows in Pittsburgh, but I
02:25always wanted blueberry pancakes.
02:27I can't.
02:28Hello.
02:29They hung up.
02:30Hi, big brother.
02:31Hey, little brother.
02:32Cooking breakfast, Bert?
02:33Yep.
02:34Well, I hope your cooking here is more successful than it is upstairs.
02:45What are you talking about?
02:47Just a little something I found in your bathroom this morning, the cookbook of sex.
02:51For a second there, Bert, I thought that the happy hook and the galloping gourmet had decided
02:57to collaborate.
02:58Just give me the book.
02:59I couldn't help but browse.
03:01You know how I love to cook.
03:03I figured I could find all sorts of wonderful things I could do with a duck.
03:06You're so quack.
03:07Quack.
03:08Quack.
03:09Quack.
03:10Stop.
03:11Sit down and eat your breakfasts.
03:17Sit.
03:18If anyone's interested, I've thought it over and I've definitely decided to go ahead with
03:35a sex change operation.
03:36He's starting with that sex change stuff again.
03:41Could we talk about this later?
03:43People are eating.
03:44There's nothing to talk about.
03:47I start the shots next week.
03:49What shots?
03:50The hormone shots.
03:52My hips will become rounded.
03:57My facial hair will fall out.
03:59Oh, what a sense of humor.
04:04I mean, this guy would actually go out and get those shots if he thought it would make
04:08us laugh.
04:09Shots.
04:10I love it.
04:11We'll talk about this later.
04:19Bert, remember, two o'clock today.
04:23Oh, I can't.
04:24I can't today, Mary.
04:25I can't.
04:26The bricklayers are coming tomorrow and the guys haven't finished pouring the foundation
04:29yet.
04:30I mean, the foundation doesn't get poured.
04:32Bricks don't get laid.
04:34Bricks?
04:35The man's worried about bricks?
04:37Bert, Dr. Metlow is a very busy man.
04:41This is the only appointment he could give us we can't cancel.
04:44All right, all right, all right.
04:48The Dr. Metlow?
04:49Knock it off.
04:50You don't know him.
04:51Oh, not personally.
04:52I've never had the need to consult a sex psychiatrist.
04:55He happens to be a dermatologist.
04:56Come on, Bert.
04:57I know what Dr. Metlow does.
05:00And what you don't.
05:06And I'm the one who should see a psychiatrist?
05:09Mary, those two boys are on a banana boat.
05:11You got one son about to buy his first bra and another who thinks that's hysterical.
05:16And I'm the one you want to take to a psychiatrist?
05:19Come on, darling.
05:20I'm sure Dr. Metlow will get to the bottom of the problem in no time and it'll turn out
05:25to be a simple thing.
05:26You'll see.
05:30Simple thing.
05:32Simple thing.
05:33I mean, I should go to a psychiatrist to find out why I'm impotent?
05:36I know why I'm impotent.
05:39I'm impotent because every time I go to make love to you, I see before me the face of your
05:43dead husband.
05:44The man I murdered.
05:45Oh, I mean, just see somebody like that and then try to get in the mood.
05:49Come on.
05:50I know I'm going to pay a psychiatrist to find out what I don't really know, which I'm hiding.
05:54Give me a break, will you?
05:58No, no, no.
06:11Claire, would you stop?
06:13Claire, I cannot talk now.
06:15No, I will not come with you to the furrier.
06:19I have to go to the decorators with Jessica.
06:21No, I don't care what kind of fur it is.
06:25Don't threaten me.
06:27Fine, I'll see you in half an hour.
06:32Of course I care.
06:33Yes, I care.
06:36Goodbye.
06:38My, my, my.
06:42Nelson, what is that supposed to mean?
06:44Just what I said.
06:46My, my, my.
06:49Chester, are you ready to go, dear?
06:52Jessica.
06:53Yes.
06:54You didn't hear?
06:55What?
06:56You mean you slept right through it?
06:59You didn't hear me moan all night?
07:02Oh, no, Chester, I am sorry.
07:04I was sleeping.
07:05I thought I was dying, Jessica.
07:08From what?
07:09From?
07:10From my arm.
07:15Well, Chester, what's the matter with it?
07:18Look, look.
07:19It looks perfectly normal, I know, but it won't go up.
07:27I cannot raise my arm, Jessica.
07:30Dear.
07:31So I can't go with you.
07:32Well, of course not, Chester.
07:33I mean, you have to go to the doctor right away.
07:37Mr. Tate.
07:42Well, siree, will you look at that?
07:44A miracle.
07:47Darling, you're cured.
07:48Benson has cured you.
07:51No, he hasn't, Jessica.
07:53He hasn't at all.
07:54Because, you see, now I can't lower my arm.
07:59Well, you can't drive like that.
08:01Maybe Mrs. Tate should take you to the doctor.
08:05Absolutely right, Benson.
08:07Chester?
08:09I'll be fine.
08:10I have power steering.
08:11I can drive with one hand.
08:13Oh, yeah?
08:14Well, what are you going to do with that arm?
08:16I will stick it through the sunroof, Benson.
08:27But you see her all the time.
08:30I told you, it's a front.
08:31I mean, the girl means nothing to me.
08:33It's for my image.
08:34Well, Dennis, if it's for your image, you made a lousy choice.
08:37I mean, nobody wears their hair in a beehive anymore.
08:40Oh, my God.
08:42What, a reporter?
08:43My cousin.
08:44Listen, you better go, and don't turn around.
08:46How can I go without turning around?
08:48The door is behind me.
08:49I don't know.
08:50You're the football player.
08:51Oh, my God.
08:52My cousin's here.
08:53You better go.
09:01Hello.
09:02Hi.
09:04Oh, this is a surprise.
09:06Yes, yes.
09:07Are you alone, or can I join you?
09:09Oh, no, please sit down.
09:10I'm alone.
09:11It's funny.
09:12I thought you were with somebody.
09:14That guy?
09:15No, that was just some weirdo who tried to pick me up.
09:18But weren't you with...
09:19No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
09:20Same thing.
09:21Some weirdo tried to pick me up.
09:25It's funny, Eunice.
09:26That guy you were with looked exactly like Congressman...
09:28It wasn't.
09:29I could have sworn that he...
09:30No.
09:31But the guy you were with looked exactly like that football player.
09:34No, no, no, no.
09:35No.
09:36Yes, it looks like him.
09:37No, it wasn't.
09:38Football.
09:40So, you come all the way out to Union City, New Jersey for lunch often?
09:46Yes.
09:47It's the food.
09:48I love the food here.
09:49They make the most marvelous chef's salad.
09:53And you?
09:54We're thinking of shooting a commercial there.
09:56I was out scouting locations and stuff.
09:58Uh-huh.
10:00Thank you.
10:07I was starving.
10:08Do you want your lunches here, sir, at your table?
10:11I'll have my lunches here, please.
10:13Thank you.
10:22Four chef's salads and two people.
10:25What's wrong with this picture?
10:29That was Congressman McCallum, wasn't it?
10:31Well, I'm covering his campaign and I was interviewing him.
10:34You gonna tell me he holds hands with Woodward and Bernstein, too?
10:39Jody, please don't tell anyone.
10:43Please.
10:45I'm gonna tell?
10:46My whole life's a secret.
10:48That was.
10:49That was Dennis Phillips, the quarterback, wasn't it?
10:53So, it's you and the congressman.
10:55You and the quarterback?
10:59Wonderful, isn't it?
11:00Well, now, plus, which Walter's married, so we have to be very careful.
11:03Oh, we don't?
11:04You think Dennis takes me to the Touchdown Club dinners as his date?
11:08Hey, fellas, I want you to meet...
11:11Well, at least you get to be with him.
11:13With Walter's campaign, I don't even get to see him anymore.
11:16Please, do you know how hard training camp is?
11:18I mean, the man comes home exhausted, plus, which now, he's seeing a girl.
11:23A girl? Walter's got a wife.
11:27Eunice, do you realize in the 20-odd years of knowing each other
11:31that this is the first time that we've talked?
11:34Well, I never knew you were nice.
11:36I never knew you were.
11:38When we were younger, I used to hate you.
11:40You used to steal my clothes.
11:43You had such nice things.
11:47Well, listen, you have a few minutes?
11:49I mean, it's been so long since I've had anyone to talk to.
11:51And it's incredible we have something in common.
11:54Yeah, we both date guys.
12:02I'm not saying one word, Mary. I want you to know that.
12:05Wonderful, Bert. We're gonna pay a psychiatrist $50 an hour.
12:08We'll play 20 questions.
12:10Look at this place. Look at it.
12:12It's for lunatics.
12:14What are you talking about, Bert?
12:16It's a perfectly nice, normal office.
12:19Perfectly normal? Look at this.
12:21Sexual perversion, fact or fiction.
12:23Normal.
12:25Sexuality in infancy.
12:27That's nice. I like that a lot.
12:29The frigid woman, the impotent male.
12:32That's it. I'm leaving.
12:34Come on, Bert.
12:36Dr. Medlow has a wonderful reputation.
12:38He's an M.D., for God's sake.
12:40M.D.? In his case, it means mentally deranged.
12:43Mary, look at this place.
12:45The man is sick.
12:46Bert, what are you talking about?
12:48Oh, just look, look. Don't you see it?
12:50I see some nice contemporary furniture.
12:52A ficus.
12:54He's killing by overwatering.
12:58No, the man is sick, Mary, and I'm leaving.
13:00You hear me? He's sick, Mary.
13:02Sick, sick, sick, sick.
13:04I was ashamed how sick I was of sitting,
13:07so I thought I would try standing,
13:08and now I'm kind of sick of standing,
13:10so I think I'll try some walking.
13:11Bert.
13:12Walking's got me a little fed up already,
13:14so I think I'll just try a little more sitting.
13:16I'm Dr. Medlow, and you're Mr. and Mrs. Murray Fleischman?
13:19Bert.
13:21I don't understand.
13:22My file says Mary and Bert Campbell.
13:24That's it. Campbell.
13:25Why don't we all sit down?
13:27You're going to give him our real name?
13:30So, what brings you here?
13:32Well...
13:33Nothing.
13:36Mrs. Campbell.
13:37We're having a problem.
13:39No, we're not. It's not a problem.
13:41I see.
13:42Mrs. Campbell,
13:43what is this problem that you're having
13:46that Mr. Campbell doesn't have?
13:48Oh, I don't have a problem.
13:49Bert has a problem.
13:51It's not a problem.
13:53All right.
13:54What is this problem that you don't have
13:56that she thinks you have?
13:58Huh. Well, it's...
14:06The man's a total stranger, Mary.
14:09He can't have sex with me.
14:12Wonderful. A perfect stranger.
14:14Tell the world, Mary.
14:15Let's put an ad in the newspaper.
14:16Or better yet,
14:17let's put it in the yellow pages on the Bert.
14:21And how long has this been going on?
14:22Two days.
14:24Well, not long.
14:25Six months.
14:27Mr. Campbell, I realize you're embarrassed by this,
14:30but let me reassure you,
14:33this is a very common problem,
14:35and everyone, absolutely everyone,
14:37has this problem at one time or another in their life.
14:40Everyone?
14:41Oh, absolutely.
14:42And many things can bring it on.
14:44Fear, worry, medication, financial problems,
14:47something in one's past, guilt.
14:51And everyone experiences it.
14:53I've had it.
14:54You have?
14:55Yes.
14:56What caused it?
14:58Well, in my case, it was a Playboy bunny.
15:03Just a weekend.
15:05Now, there are a variety of ways
15:07you can treat this problem,
15:10depending, of course, on the reason for the problem.
15:12Sometimes, a few sessions of talking is all it takes.
15:16Other times, when the problem's a little deeper,
15:19we try a regular form of therapy,
15:21a change in one's life.
15:23Sometimes, we bring in a sexual surrogate, and...
15:26A sexual surrogate?
15:28A woman very experienced in the art of lovemaking
15:31who helps a man regain his confidence in himself.
15:34Now, that isn't...
15:35Are they good-looking?
15:39Bert!
15:40I beg your pardon?
15:41I mean, how old are they?
15:42Bert!
15:43Oh, uh, Mary, uh, wait a second.
15:45The man's a doctor.
15:46I don't think that that has anything to do...
15:48He's an M.D., for goodness' sake.
15:50Let's just listen to what the man has to say.
15:54He's a rich horse. You got pictures?
16:12Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
16:14Yes, my child.
16:15It's been two months since my last confession.
16:18Yes, child.
16:19I have been with five men.
16:21Corinne?
16:31Somebody's asked me to move in with him.
16:33Corinne, enough.
16:34To live in sin.
16:36That's it. I'm putting my fingers in my ears.
16:38I won't listen.
16:39I won't listen.
16:42Why? I can confess.
16:44Corinne, you're not even Catholic.
16:47What has that got to do with it?
16:49I asked you not to come here.
16:51But I can't stand not seeing you, Tim.
16:53I just can't stand it.
17:03Please, Tim.
17:04Go back in there. Come on. Go.
17:07You know why I've sinned, Tim.
17:09It's because I can't have you.
17:11Why won't you see me?
17:14I'm a priest, Corinne.
17:17But you're still a man.
17:19I took a vow.
17:21Ministers do it. Why can't you?
17:24Is this a test?
17:26What?
17:32Tim, remember the first time you kissed me?
17:36Remember?
17:37I still get goosebumps when I think about it.
17:40Corinne, I was in the fifth grade.
17:44You loved me?
17:45In high school, you told me you loved me.
17:47In high school, I was also a member of the Purple Avengers
17:49and swallowed goldfish.
17:52You love me.
17:53And I love you.
17:54And I love you.
17:55So why can't we be together?
17:56It's not fair.
17:57Because he won't allow it.
18:00Don't be ridiculous.
18:01I mean, what did you do?
18:02Have a personal conversation with him
18:04and he said, no, Tim, no, whoopee?
18:07Corinne.
18:08Corinne, we're talking about God here.
18:10Oh, come on.
18:11What's he gonna do?
18:12Smite you with his terrible swift sword?
18:15Joke.
18:16She's joking.
18:17She's joking.
18:19All right.
18:20All right, I'll leave you alone.
18:22I won't tempt you.
18:23You've made the choice for me.
18:25I'm gonna go live with that man, Tim.
18:29And I will be with that man.
18:32And I will do with that man...
18:35Oh, God.
18:37What?
18:38I said, uh, go with God.
18:41Is that all?
18:42Is that all you have to say to me, Tim?
18:45Is that all you have to say to me, Tim?
18:49For your penance, say two rosaries every morning.
18:52For the next two, three years.
18:55What, are you crazy?
18:56I'm not even Catholic.
19:04Now, uh, let me see if I understood this.
19:06You said we can't see each other anymore, right?
19:08Uh, that's right.
19:09And we can't see each other anymore
19:10because someone is moving in with you?
19:12That's right.
19:13Someone is moving in.
19:14I love it.
19:15A man who has his mattress replaced every 10 days
19:17is making a commitment.
19:19To taking this so, uh...
19:21Please, don't be upset.
19:23Upset?
19:24Don't be silly.
19:25Guys like you are a dime a dozen.
19:27Well, look, it's gonna be better for you anyways.
19:29Please.
19:30Yes, sir, it's Corinne.
19:32Look, baby, I'm sorry.
19:33We'll talk about this some more.
19:34Maybe we can work something out, okay?
19:36Yeah, well, thanks for nothing.
19:39What, are you crazy?
19:40I'm not going out there.
19:41That 400-pound blimp on the tennis court
19:43is my brother-in-law.
19:44The man hates me.
19:45You know how he loves seeing this.
19:47He'd be on the phone with my husband in two seconds.
19:49Just meet me in the bathroom for a second.
19:55Jessica.
19:56Hello, Peter.
19:57May I come in?
19:58I'll have an appointment.
20:00Um, thank you, Peter.
20:03Peter, this is not going to be easy,
20:05so I'm going to do it as quickly as possible.
20:08Good.
20:09It's over between us.
20:11Oh, gee.
20:13Yes.
20:16I'm leaving you, Peter.
20:18Now, it shouldn't have happened.
20:20You know, I mean, well, of course it did happen,
20:22but it is never going to happen again,
20:24and Peter, I'm sorry if your heart is breaking.
20:27Well...
20:28Your shower just went on.
20:31Oh, right, I know.
20:32It does that.
20:33Goes on by itself all the time in a plumbing.
20:37Well, as I was saying, Peter...
20:38I know, Jess, it's over.
20:39Yes, and I am sorry.
20:41I mean, I'm really sorry.
20:43I'm sorry if I hurt you.
20:45I'm sorry it just went off.
20:47What?
20:48Your shower, it just went off.
20:49Oh, I know.
20:50It does that, too.
20:51Someone in Connecticut flushes a toilet,
20:52my shower goes off.
20:53You know, sometimes I'm left with soap all over my body.
20:57Peter, will you ever forgive me?
20:59Oh, I do.
21:00I do, I forgive you.
21:01I really do.
21:02Oh, dear sweet boy standing there,
21:05whom I've just left with a broken heart
21:07and a shower that doesn't work.
21:10Goodbye, Peter.
21:11I'll always remember you.
21:13Goodbye.
21:15Mother!
21:19Corinne!
21:21Corinne, this is not what you think it is.
21:24What do you think it is?
21:26This is really the limit, Mother.
21:28When I was eight, you took away my cap pistol,
21:30and when I was 13, you took away my eye shadow.
21:33But this...
21:35Corinne, wait!
21:38Oh, my God.
21:40Oh, God, how could this happen?
21:42I always tried to be good.
21:44I took care of my family, served on committees.
21:47I read to the blind.
21:50And now...
21:51Now I've had an affair with my step-nephew.
21:54Or is he my nephew by marriage?
21:56Oh, wait, let's see.
21:57He's my sister's second husband's son,
21:59so that makes him my step-nephew by...
22:02by marriage.
22:03Is that right?
22:05I mean, what does it matter?
22:06Whoever he is, he's in love with my daughter,
22:08and, I mean, she isn't even my daughter.
22:10She's the illegitimate daughter of...
22:13Oh, my God.
22:18Mrs. Tate?
22:21Hello, Mrs. Fine.
22:23I...
22:24Well, I didn't know you were here.
22:27Where were you?
22:29In the bathroom.
22:30Oh?
22:31Cleaning.
22:32Cleaning?
22:33Yes.
22:34I know this may sound silly, Mrs. Tate,
22:36but I love to clean.
22:38I just love it.
22:39And ever since my husband got me a maid,
22:42I have nothing to clean anymore.
22:43Nothing.
22:44I see.
22:46What are you doing here?
22:48Me?
22:49Uh, decorating.
22:53Decorating?
22:54Yes.
22:55Oh, I mean, I just love to decorate.
22:57And, of course, my house is already decorated,
22:59and this poor boy's apartment is just awful.
23:01Decorating.
23:03Cleaning.
23:07Goodbye, Mrs. Tate.
23:09Goodbye, Mrs. Fine.
23:18Will Corinne ever leave Father Tim alone?
23:21Will Corinne ever forgive her mother for Peter?
23:24Will Corinne ever forgive Peter for her mother?
23:27Now that Jody is going to become his boyfriend's girlfriend,
23:30will his boyfriend get rid of his girlfriend?
23:33Since Bert seems unwilling to talk,
23:35will the psychiatrist ever be able to cure his impotency?
23:38Since Danny seems to be a klutz,
23:40will he ever be able to kill Bert?
23:42Will Bert be cured or killed?
23:44These questions and many others
23:46will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
23:54This is the story of two sisters,
23:57Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
24:01Jessica lives in a neighborhood known as Rich.
24:05Jessica likes life.
24:07The only thing about life she would change, if she could,
24:10is that she would set it all to music.
24:14The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
24:20We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
24:24Mary, too, likes life.
24:26Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
24:30As you can see,
24:32the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
24:36They do, however, have as many secrets.
24:43In last week's episode of Soap,
24:45Danny once again tried to kill Bert, but couldn't.
24:48Corinne tried to talk Father Timothy Flotsky
24:51into leaving the church and going with her, but couldn't.
24:55Unable to have the only man she ever wanted,
24:58Corinne decided to go ahead and move in with Peter.
25:01Meanwhile, Jessica was telling Peter
25:03she could never see him again.
25:05Corinne walked in and found her mother kissing Peter.
25:08Little did she know her mother was kissing him off.
25:11Corinne, unable to have Father Tim,
25:13the man she wants, can't live with him,
25:16and finding the man she has with her mother can't live at home.
25:20And since she has to live somewhere,
25:22she decides to move in with Peter anyway.
25:25Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
25:46All right, Billy, enough is enough.
25:48Two days locked up in your room
25:50because Molly broke up with you is plenty.
25:54But I can't go back. I can't face the kids.
25:57What do you plan to do with your life?
25:59I don't know. Join the circus and become a clown.
26:02No, because of some little girl?
26:04She's not some little girl. We're going steady.
26:07Then she left me for a junior.
26:09Well, why don't you fight for her? Win her back.
26:13Dad, come on. I can't compete.
26:16He's 6'1", and drives a convertible.
26:18I'm a midget with a schwinn.
26:22Well, what is she, the only girl in the world?
26:25Billy, do you know how many girls there are out there?
26:28They're all over the place.
26:30Thousands, millions of them.
26:33Beautiful, wonderful, glorious, beloved.
26:38Lots of girls.
26:42Yeah, but I want Molly.
26:44That's only because you can't have Molly.
26:47Billy, let me tell you a story.
26:50During the war, this guy Herbie and I became friends.
26:54Well, Herbie fell in love with a wonderful Italian girl, Carla.
26:58Thinking of Carla was what got him through the war.
27:02Well, Carla died, and Herbie nearly fell apart.
27:05He stayed in, drank.
27:07I've never seen anyone so miserable.
27:10Then one day, Herbie came to me, and he said,
27:13Chet, life must go on.
27:16And Herbie went on.
27:19A few years later, he fell in love with another woman, married her.
27:23They went to Jamaica on their honeymoon,
27:25and she ran off with a steel band.
27:29But Herbie went on.
27:31He married again, and this time, at the wedding reception,
27:35his bride left him for the catering.
27:38But still, Herbie went on.
27:42His next wife ran off with his partner who ran off with his business.
27:46But still, Herbie went on.
27:50Because, you see, Billy, he knew that there's a whole world out there.
27:54He knew that somewhere, around some corner, he would find happiness.
28:00Wow. I feel like a jerk.
28:02I mean, look at Herbie. A lifetime of disasters.
28:05I had a week with a 13-year-old shrimp who lisps.
28:09Now I'm going to throw my life away?
28:11Thanks, Dad.
28:12Good boy. I'll see you at breakfast.
28:14Hey, Dad, where's Herbie now?
28:17Oh, he's, uh, in a mental institution.
28:23What?
28:24Yes, he just sits in a corner, talks in numbers, and makes lovely baskets.
28:30But...
28:31But...
28:33I thought... Well, I thought he always goes on.
28:37Oh, Billy, please. There's just so much going on that a man can do.
28:52Are you going to tell Mr. Tate that Corinna's moving in with Peter?
28:56Because if you are, that's two places I won't have to set no more.
29:00No, Benson, only one place. Corinne's.
29:03Two. Because when Mr. Tate finds out, it's going to kill him.
29:08Good morning.
29:09Good morning.
29:10Good morning, Chester.
29:16Benson!
29:19I asked for a three-minute egg.
29:21That is a three-minute egg.
29:23This egg is raw.
29:24Well, what do you expect when you ask for an egg in three minutes?
29:28I got to get it out of the refrigerator,
29:33get it onto a plate, get it all the way in here.
29:36You want it cooked.
29:37Now, you got to give me ten minutes.
29:45I have an announcement to make.
29:48Uh...
29:49Corinne is...
29:51not here.
29:52I think that we can see that, Jessica.
29:55Well, yes, of course you can, Chester, because her seat is empty.
29:59Where is she?
30:00Corinne...
30:01is moving.
30:02Moving? Where?
30:04Where?
30:05Where is she moving?
30:06Oh, Chester, that is a good question.
30:08Corinne is moving into an apartment that she's going to share with someone.
30:13Oh, well, I'm not surprised.
30:15Not yet.
30:18I'm sure she's at an age when she wants to be on her own,
30:21and she's going to have a roommate.
30:22Yes, dear.
30:23Good.
30:24I really don't want her living alone.
30:26Do we know the girl's family?
30:27Yes, yes, we do.
30:28We know the family really quite well.
30:30As a matter of fact, we're almost related.
30:33Good, good.
30:34Who is it?
30:35Billy, run upstairs and get Mother something.
30:38Why can't anybody ever talk in front of me?
30:40I mean, I walk into a room and conversation stops.
30:44I went around for years
30:45thinking a surprise party was being planned for me.
30:50Well, I'm not leaving, Mom.
30:51I'm not missing this.
30:52Jessica, who is the girl?
30:54What girl, Chester?
30:56The girl Corinne will be living with.
30:59The girl?
31:00Oh, the girl.
31:02Oh, look, here's Corinne.
31:04I told Daddy that you were moving, dear.
31:07Who is she moving in with?
31:10And Daddy thinks that's nice.
31:11Isn't that nice, dear?
31:12Things are so much nicer when people think they're nice.
31:15Don't you think so?
31:16I don't think so.
31:17You didn't tell him who I was moving in with?
31:20No.
31:22I'm moving in with Peter.
31:24Peter?
31:25Peter, pumpkin eater.
31:26Had a wife who couldn't keep her.
31:28Put her in a pumpkin shell and there he kept her very well.
31:32Oh, I love that one, don't you, Daddy?
31:37Corinne, what are you saying?
31:39Say, say it isn't so.
31:42Say it isn't so.
31:44Everyone is saying it isn't so.
31:48All right, stop.
31:50Stop in the name of love before you...
31:53Shut up, Benson.
31:55Break my heart.
31:59All right, Corinne, one more time.
32:08I said I'm moving in with Peter.
32:10Peter?
32:11Who's Peter?
32:13Peter Campbell, the tennis pro.
32:17That's it?
32:19That's the big thing?
32:21I thought it would be something good.
32:25Um, uh, I'm sorry, Daddy.
32:30Goodbye.
32:34Goodbye, Major.
32:35All right.
32:38Goodbye, Benson.
32:40Corinne, if you need anything, you call me, okay?
32:45But don't bring your laundry around here,
32:47cos I ain't gonna do it.
32:51That's it?
32:52You're just going to sit there while our daughter throws her life away?
32:56But, Chester, I don't know what else to do.
32:58Get her back.
32:59How?
33:00Well, you'd better think of something, Jessica,
33:02because my blood pressure's already redlined it.
33:05All I have to do is stand up
33:07and I will have a cerebral hemorrhage on the spot.
33:09Simon says stand up.
33:11Stand up.
33:18What's going on, Corinne?
33:20Nothing.
33:21Nothing? You're upstairs packing,
33:23Mother's downstairs crying, and nothing's going on?
33:25I don't want to talk about it.
33:27You know, it's funny, Corinne.
33:29All these years, I couldn't wait for one of us to move out of the house,
33:32and now you are, and...
33:35I'm kind of sad.
33:37It's better this way.
33:38Well, tell me, Corinne.
33:40I can't.
33:41Are you in love?
33:42Really, Eunice, I can't talk about it.
33:44You wouldn't understand.
33:45I would understand.
33:47I'm in love.
33:49You're in love?
33:51But you never go out.
33:55Who are you in love with, United Parcel?
33:58Corinne, you're just going to have to take my word for it.
34:00I can't tell you who it is.
34:02It's very complicated.
34:03Complicated, please.
34:04You don't know from complicated.
34:06Now, believe me, Corinne,
34:07if you knew who was involved in my situation, you'd faint.
34:10If you knew who was involved in mine, you'd drop dead.
34:14All right, Corinne, all right.
34:17I happen to be in love with a public figure.
34:21Peanuts.
34:22A married...
34:24A married public figure.
34:26Zip.
34:27All right, Corinne.
34:29I'm in love with Congressman Walter McCallum.
34:34Top that.
34:35I could.
34:37But I can't tell you.
34:38Well, I knew you couldn't.
34:39Mine's bigger.
34:42Oh, yeah?
34:43Yeah.
34:44A married congressman?
34:45Right.
34:47How do you like this one?
34:49I'm moving in with Peter Campbell.
34:54Who's also having an affair with Mother.
35:00Corinne, you're not allowed to lie.
35:04It's the truth.
35:07Okay.
35:11Mother.
35:13Our mother.
35:15The mother downstairs.
35:18Jessica.
35:20The redhead.
35:22That's the one.
35:25You win.
35:28I can't believe it.
35:30I mean, it took me 20 years to believe she did it with Daddy.
35:38Oh, isn't this nice?
35:40Oh, I just love this.
35:42All the Tate women are gathered here together.
35:45Well, uh, you two probably have a lot to talk about.
35:47Yes.
35:48No.
35:49Uh, you two probably have a lot not to talk about,
35:51in which case I'll still leave.
36:00Corinne?
36:07You know, Corinne, in life, people make mistakes.
36:12Little mistakes and big mistakes, and I made a big mistake.
36:18Well, actually, I made a huge mistake, and I am sorry.
36:22You have no idea how terribly sorry I am.
36:27But you see, I thought if I told you what a mistake I had made
36:31and how sorry I was, that it would make everything all right.
36:38But, uh, now that I'm hearing it, I realize that it's just not enough,
36:43and I guess it probably won't be enough for a long time to come.
36:52But I still want to say it.
36:58I am sorry.
37:01I'm a mother, and I know you...
37:07you think I should have known better.
37:11But, Corinne, knowing better doesn't always work out.
37:20So I'm sorry.
37:23I guess I'm sorry about a lot of things in my life.
37:27I'm sorry about a lot of things in my life.
37:31But most of all, I'm sorry for what's happened between us.
37:38I'm going to miss you.
37:47Goodbye, Corinne.
37:58I've ruined my marriage. I've ruined my life.
38:02Corinne's left home, and it's all because I took tennis lessons.
38:06Okay, Jess, let's just take one thing at a time.
38:09What happened from the beginning?
38:11Well, it all started two months ago when Chester gave me a tennis racket.
38:16Now, I don't know why he gave me a tennis racket.
38:18I never said I wanted one.
38:20I may have mentioned I wanted a Cuisinart,
38:22but I never once mentioned that I wanted a tennis racket.
38:26Oh, Mary, have you got a Cuisinart?
38:28They are wonderful. You can just throw your knives away.
38:30You'll never have to chop food again.
38:32What happened, Jess?
38:33Well, when I first got mine, all the food turned to mush.
38:36Well, what...
38:37Jessica!
38:38What happened?
38:40Oh, well...
38:42Well, Chester gave me this tennis racket,
38:44and I didn't want to appear ungrateful, Mary,
38:46so I had to take tennis lessons.
38:48And because I took tennis lessons, I met Peter.
38:50And because I met Peter, I slept with him.
38:53Because I slept with him...
38:55Now, Chester's probably going to find out,
38:57and when Chester finds out, my entire life is going to be ruined,
39:00and it's all because Chester gave me a tennis racket.
39:04This is actually Chester's fault.
39:08Mary!
39:09Mary, Mary, have I got news.
39:12I just got this cable at work.
39:14My son Chuck is coming here from Hawaii.
39:17Bert, this is... this is signed Chuck and Bob.
39:20Who's Bob?
39:21Oh, it's nobody.
39:24Well, he's obviously somebody, Bert,
39:26because he's coming and he doesn't eat meat.
39:28Who doesn't eat meat?
39:29Bob.
39:30Who's Bob?
39:32I don't know.
39:35Somebody who's coming with Chuck.
39:37Who's Chuck?
39:38Bert's son.
39:39Who's Bob?
39:40I don't even know who Chuck is.
39:42Who's Bob?
39:43It's a dummy.
39:45Bert, I didn't ask you for his I.Q.
39:47I asked you for his...
39:49A dummy?
39:50Well, your son Peter's no genius either.
39:53Peter?
39:54He's a dummy.
39:55But he's sweet, Bert.
39:57No, no, no, Bob.
39:59Bob's a dummy.
40:00You know, a little wooden doll.
40:03A wooden doll?
40:04Let me get this straight.
40:05Your son Chuck is coming here from Hawaii
40:08with Bob, his little wooden doll?
40:12Right.
40:13And you thought I had problems?
40:16Come on, come on.
40:17I got him Bob when he was a little kid.
40:20Bob.
40:21Bob, yeah.
40:22See, we don't refer to him as a dummy
40:24because it kind of upsets Chuck.
40:26Not to mention driving Bob completely crazy.
40:29No, no.
40:30He's had Bob all his life.
40:31He took him everywhere.
40:32Took him to school, to camp, into the army.
40:34He took a doll into the army?
40:36At least he could get into the army.
40:39Special Services Vietnam.
40:41They entertain the troops.
40:42I'm sure they did.
40:44Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
40:45You won a medal.
40:46Who?
40:47Chuck or Bob?
40:50Chuck.
40:53Uh, Mary, I have to go now.
40:55I have to go and see what new disasters befalling me.
40:59Well, goodbye, Bert.
41:01I am so happy that two more of your sons are coming.
41:06One son.
41:07The other's a dummy.
41:09Well, smart or dumb, they're your children
41:11and you love them.
41:13Oh, my children.
41:16Tim?
41:22I had to come, Tim.
41:24I had to see you one last time.
41:27I moved in with that man I told you about.
41:33But I had to see you once more
41:35and tell you how I feel about you.
41:37I'm sorry.
41:38I'm sorry.
41:39I'm sorry.
41:40I'm sorry.
41:41I'm sorry.
41:42I'm sorry.
41:43I'm sorry.
41:44I had to see you once more and tell you how I feel.
41:47I love you, Tim.
41:49I know it's crazy to want you.
41:51I mean, people would say,
41:52why him?
41:53Why Tim?
41:54He's not that terrific looking.
41:59I mean, you're cute, Tim,
42:00but face it, you're no Al Pacino.
42:02And who knows what your body is like under that outfit?
42:05Look at you.
42:06You go around wearing a little black dress.
42:08And I still want you.
42:11Tim, please.
42:13Will you marry him?
42:14Come with me.
42:16I know you want to.
42:18If you left, God would understand.
42:23He's seen a lot.
42:24He's millions of years old.
42:25What do you think there is that he hasn't seen?
42:28No, huh?
42:32Tim, could you stop praying for just a minute?
42:34It's making me kind of crazy.
42:37Okay, fine.
42:40Doesn't matter.
42:41You won't drown me out.
42:42Before I leave forever.
42:45I will stay with this man, Tim,
42:46but I will always think of you.
42:49When he takes me in his arms,
42:50I'll pretend it's you.
42:54And when he whispers my name,
42:56I'll pretend it's you.
43:00And when I'm with him,
43:02I'll pretend it's you.
43:05So that's it, Tim.
43:07All the praying in the world
43:08will not stop me from loving you.
43:12I love you.
43:15I love you.
43:30Brother Tim,
43:31take it easy.
43:35God is not deaf.
43:43Godfather?
43:44Over here, Danny.
43:46Over here.
43:49Godfather?
43:50Ah, here I am, Danny.
43:52Danny, I'm in the middle of a catastrophe.
43:55This is my only healthy tomato plant.
44:00Look.
44:03You know what this is?
44:05Uh-uh.
44:06Tomato bugs.
44:07These bugs live for only one thing in life,
44:10destroying tomato plants.
44:12Hey, nice work, huh?
44:14What I want to know is this.
44:16In the middle of the largest city in the world
44:18where there is no agriculture to speak of,
44:20on the roof of a 20-story building,
44:22how do you know there's tomatoes here?
44:25I don't know.
44:26Hey, maybe there was a couple of bugs
44:28on a farm somewhere in the Midwest,
44:30and one bug said to the other bug,
44:32hey, let's go see what's doing in Manhattan, huh?
44:34That's not funny, Danny.
44:37These tomatoes are dying.
44:39These tomato plants are dying,
44:41and I can't save them.
44:43Why, Danny, I've been reading the obituaries
44:46the last few days, and I look, and I look, and I look,
44:48and never do I see the name of Burt Campbell,
44:50and I ask myself, hey, where do I see this name?
44:54Well, uh, it's because he's not dead yet.
44:58Ah.
45:00Well, it's, uh, it's because he's not dead yet.
45:03Ah.
45:04Well, that certainly clears up the mystery, eh?
45:07I was thinking that probably was it.
45:09Yeah, that was it.
45:10What are you waiting for, Danny, eh?
45:12He should die of old age.
45:14No, Father, I just don't know how to do it.
45:17Well, you don't have to be an engineer, Danny.
45:19You take the gun, you point it, you pull the trigger.
45:22It would be nice if he was in the room.
45:25Well, Danny, you be a nicer boy, huh?
45:27You go home and kill Burt.
45:30No, Father, I just, I just can't do it.
45:33Oh, Father.
45:34Look, I know you said in order for me to leave,
45:36I had to do you a favor.
45:37Yeah?
45:38Okay.
45:39Couldn't you give me something else to do?
45:40Oh, Ma, what did you have in mind, Danny, huh?
45:42You want to clean out my garage?
45:43You want to Simonize the limousine?
45:44Hey, a deal's a deal, Danny, you know?
45:46Besides, it's out of my hands now.
45:48I'm sorry.
45:49Mr. Lefkowitz wants it done.
45:51Couldn't I talk to Mr. Lefkowitz?
45:53No, please, Danny.
45:55Lefkowitz talks to nobody, nobody.
45:57Mr. Lefkowitz doesn't even talk to Mrs. Lefkowitz.
46:00First of all, you can't pry him away from his cockamamie stamp collection.
46:03God, Father, I can't do it.
46:04I just can't do it.
46:05All right, Danny.
46:06You listen to me now, eh?
46:08Come over here.
46:10This is your last chance.
46:12You take this key.
46:14This is the key to a remote cabin in the woods
46:16where in the next two days you will kill Burt.
46:19You invite him to go fishing with you.
46:21Fishing?
46:22Well, if you tell him the real reason,
46:23I don't think he's going to want to go, eh?
46:26All right.
46:27In the cabin, there's a fireplace.
46:29In the chimney of the fireplace, there's a gun.
46:32The body, you just leave it there, and we take care of it.
46:35Danny, always.
46:37You're such a handsome boy.
46:39Nice looking, you know.
46:41I don't want to see your body in Brooklyn
46:43and your face in the Bronx.
46:44That would upset me.
46:46Oh, Father, I just can't do it.
46:50You just destroyed my only healthy tomato plant.
46:55And you seriously injured my doorman.
47:00I think you can kill a bird.
47:06Will Corinne find happiness with Peter?
47:09Will Jessica find happiness without Peter?
47:12Will Corinne find happiness without Father Tim?
47:15Will Father Tim find happiness?
47:17Or will Corinne drive him crazy?
47:19Will Danny invite Burt to the woods to kill him?
47:22Will Burt's other son, Chuck,
47:24and his little wooden doll, Bob, arrive from Hawaii?
47:27And if they do, will Burt live to see them?
47:30These questions and many others
47:32will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.