Soap Season 2 Episode 4
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00In last week's episode of Soap, Dutch and Chester were discovered hiding from the police
00:06in the Tate basement.
00:08Dutch, to prevent the Tates from going for help, told them he had killed Chester if they
00:11did.
00:12They didn't.
00:13Corinne and Tim had a wedding, during which Mrs. Flotsky tried to prevent their marriage.
00:17She couldn't.
00:18Jody told Bert and Mary that he's going to be a father.
00:21He told Bert to be serious.
00:22Bert wasn't.
00:23And Dutch went up to Eunice's bedroom.
00:25He said he didn't have anything on his mind, but did.
00:28Eunice thought about preventing it, but didn't.
00:31Confused?
00:32You won't be, after this week's episode of Soap.
00:39This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
00:45These are the Tates.
00:48And these are the Campbells.
00:52And this is Soap.
01:17May I come in?
01:18Sure, Ma.
01:20Corinne, it was such a lovely wedding, and you were the most beautiful bride I've ever
01:25seen.
01:26Aw, thanks, Ma.
01:27And Tim was so handsome, I just couldn't have been nicer.
01:30It's just a shame Bob got so drunk and hit Chuck.
01:35Uh, Corinne, uh, living with your husband is going to be a lot different than living
01:40here.
01:41Oh, I know that, Ma.
01:42I mean, for example, Benson won't be there.
01:44I know that, Ma.
01:46You'll be living with a man.
01:48I don't care what Gloria Steinem says.
01:50Men expect certain things, you know?
01:53Ma, I know this.
01:55Really.
01:56I'm not sure that you do.
01:57I mean, I remember when I first married your father, I was very surprised.
02:01First of all, I was surprised that any human being could take that long in the bathroom.
02:06And secondly, I was very surprised because my mother told me that on my wedding night
02:10I was expected to...
02:11Ma, I know these things.
02:13Really.
02:14Remember?
02:15I lived with a man.
02:16Oh, yes, that's right.
02:17You did.
02:18Oh, well, then I guess you know all about everything you're supposed to know about.
02:22Yep.
02:23Good.
02:24I'm so glad because I didn't have an idea in the world how I could explain it to you.
02:28You know, when I look back now on my life with your father, I can see all the places
02:33that we ran aground.
02:35Well, I wanted to tell you about them so you could avoid them.
02:39But I realized that all those dangerous places, all the rocks in your marriage are going to
02:45be in different spots at different times.
02:47There isn't any way for me to warn you about them.
02:51You know, Corinne, whatever does happen in life is not nearly so bad when it's put into words.
02:58I guess the best thing I can tell you is just talk to each other.
03:07Corinne, be happy.
03:10I will, Ma.
03:12Good.
03:16Chester.
03:24Chester, where are you?
03:27I'm over here.
03:29I heard him rustling around these boxes earlier this evening.
03:32If he's lost or hurt, I'll never forgive myself.
03:36Do you mean Dutch, dear?
03:38Because if you do, I think he's upstairs.
03:40No, Arnold.
03:42Arnold?
03:44A rat.
03:47A rat?
03:48Yes.
03:49I met him last week over there behind the furnace.
03:52Oh, Jess, sometimes I feel like he's the only friend I've got left.
03:55You don't mean a rat, not like an actual rat.
03:59Well, Arnold is a very special rat.
04:01Well, I guess he is if he told you his name.
04:05Jessica, I named Arnold myself.
04:09And I've taught him all kinds of little special tricks.
04:12For instance, I'll set out a piece of cheese,
04:15and sooner or later, he'll creep out and eat it.
04:23Usually when I'm asleep, of course.
04:25But still, isn't that wonderful?
04:29I'm also teaching him to, uh, scurry off.
04:35Scurry off?
04:37That's right.
04:38All I have to do is clap my hands like this, and he scurries off.
04:43And I'm also trying to teach him to come when I call him.
04:46Let me give it a try.
05:00Don't you think it would work better, dear, if you just said,
05:02Here, Arnold. Here, Arnold.
05:05Jessica, I wasn't calling him. It was something else.
05:08It was some kind of an attack.
05:10Oh, Chester, an attack?
05:13It only lasts a second or two.
05:15You mustn't worry. It's probably just, uh, tension.
05:19Chester, it's because of this murder of yours.
05:23I thought no good would come of it.
05:28Look at us, for example, Chester.
05:30How long has it been since we had a normal married life?
05:34Jessica, I'm an escaped convict who's not allowed out of his own basement
05:38because I'm at the mercy of a killer.
05:40Well, don't you think that in some small way
05:42might have an effect upon our, uh, domestic life?
05:45Chester, I love you.
05:48Why don't we spend the night together in our bedroom?
05:51Oh, Jess, I'm sorry. I really am.
05:53It's just that everything that's going on, I just can't, you know?
05:57Ahem.
06:01Do you want this down here or upstairs in the bedroom or what?
06:04Oh, Benson, I guess you might as well leave it down here.
06:08You see, darling, I thought it would be really nice
06:11if we shared a bottle of your favorite wine together.
06:14Oh, Jess, I just wish I deserved all the kindness you've shown me.
06:18So do I.
06:21You've just been so nice.
06:23Look out! Look out!
06:28Look out!
06:32You're dead, Mother.
06:47That was on.
06:58Tim, it's our wedding night,
07:00and you've been in there for over 20 minutes.
07:02Are you all right?
07:04Sure. I'm just setting up the courtesy coffee
07:06so it'll be all ready first thing in the morning.
07:09I don't think we have to worry about coffee, Tim.
07:12Besides, I've already ordered champagne.
07:15Okay, I'll be right there.
07:17I just want to rinse out a few things.
07:22Tim, I think this is serious.
07:25I think you should come out now.
07:31Good night.
07:36You're a little nervous, aren't you?
07:38Me? Don't be crazy.
07:40Why would I be nervous?
07:42Good.
07:46This is some view, isn't it?
07:48I wonder how many miles you can see.
07:50Tim, we're only on the second floor.
07:53Look, I can understand if you're a little uneasy,
07:57but you must have known all along
07:59that this would be part of our marriage.
08:01Hopefully.
08:03Well, I thought I could handle it when the time came,
08:05but now I'm not so sure.
08:07But it's not something you do alone.
08:09It's something we do together.
08:11Hopefully.
08:14All must be room service. Can you get it?
08:16Sure. Coming.
08:19Good evening.
08:21Good evening.
08:23Will that be all, sir?
08:25Yes.
08:27Father Flatsky.
08:29It's me, Orville.
08:31Oh, right, Orville.
08:33Listen, Father, the reason you haven't seen me at mass
08:35is I'm working Sundays.
08:37It's okay.
08:39And I want you to know, ever since my last confession,
08:41I have completely given up the twins.
08:44Come on.
08:47Hiya.
08:49I don't believe it.
08:51You don't understand. This is my wife.
08:53And you made me give up the twins.
08:58Don't worry about it.
09:00Come on. Let's have a drink.
09:02All right.
09:05To us.
09:10You feel better?
09:12Good.
09:15How much better?
09:19A little bit better?
09:21No, a lot better.
09:23Definitely a whole lot better.
09:25In fact, I feel better now than I ever did in my entire...
09:31Oh, no.
09:35Hello?
09:37Mother?
09:40Attack?
09:42What sort of an attack?
09:44Huh. Be reasonable.
09:46You're not dying.
09:48It's our wedding night.
09:50Of course she's here.
09:52Oh, no.
10:07Bert?
10:10Time to get up?
10:16Seven of my men are gonna be off today.
10:18Of course, it's a Jewish holiday, and I'm gonna have to do all their jobs.
10:21Bert, could I talk to you before you go?
10:23You know what kills me is I don't think they're all Jewish.
10:25Two of them are black, and one's an Indian.
10:28Darling, I really need to talk to you.
10:30Oh, we'll talk tonight, Mary. I got a big day ahead of me.
10:33Well, at least you're gonna have a day.
10:35I'm not gonna have any day at all.
10:37Is that a riddle, Mary?
10:39Of course, if it is, it's much too early for that.
10:47I have no life, Bert.
10:49I have nothing to do all day.
10:51You know, the kids are grown, and you're hardly ever home to dinner, and...
10:54there's, uh, no laundry to do, nothing to clean.
10:57No beds to make.
10:59Nothing.
11:01I could be sloppier.
11:03I tell you what.
11:05Now, Mary, when I come home tonight, I'll mess up the house.
11:08Now, Mary, right now, I can't talk, or else I'll be late.
11:11Oh, you won't be late, Bert. I set the alarm ahead of half an hour.
11:13It's only five minutes.
11:16Bert.
11:18I want to talk to you.
11:19Mary, I need to sleep.
11:24I want to go to school, Bert.
11:26Mary, it's 5.30 in the morning. School's closed.
11:30I'm serious.
11:32I want to go to college. I want to study English.
11:36Why? I think you speak it very well.
11:39Are you against me going?
11:41No.
11:42Why? Why?
11:44Because I don't want you to feel bad.
11:46Why should I feel bad?
11:47Because when you fail, you'll feel bad.
11:50I won't fail.
11:51You might.
11:52No, I won't.
11:53I know.
11:55That's just the problem.
11:56You're going to get smart.
11:59I'm not going to get smart, Bert.
12:01Yeah, you will. You'll get smart, and then you'll get too smart for me.
12:05You'll learn all those things I don't know, and you'll start using big words when you talk,
12:08like, uh, notwithstanding and heretofore.
12:12I won't understand any of that.
12:14Then you're going to find out how really dumb I am, and you'll leave me
12:16for somebody smart who you can talk with about philosophy.
12:20No, Bert.
12:21It'll happen, Mary.
12:23You're so dumb.
12:24See, it's starting already.
12:27Bert.
12:30I'm not going to get smart and leave you.
12:32First of all, you're the smartest man I know.
12:34And second of all, I love you.
12:38I want to go to school, Bert.
12:41I'll feel more like a person. I'll feel better.
12:43And if I feel better, it'll be better for us.
12:47You really think I'm smart?
12:50The smartest man you ever met?
12:56Listen, Mary, I've got 20 minutes left.
12:58No sense going back to sleep.
13:03You're so smart.
13:14Hey.
13:23Hey, Danny.
13:24Whoa, Danny!
13:38Whoa, whoa, whoa.
13:43She really picked up speed there.
13:45Yeah, especially towards the end.
13:48Still, it's amazing the way it knocked that horse right up under that cop.
13:52He's okay, though. He's just stunned.
13:53The cop?
13:54No, the horse.
13:55See, he's up now, and he's eating my apple.
13:58Hey, look. The copper's up, too.
14:02Oh, he's down again.
14:07Come on, Danny. Danny, what's the matter?
14:09Believe me, 40 stories up is not a good place to be depressed.
14:12It's Elaine.
14:13Every day, it's more and more shopping.
14:16She's charging up a storm.
14:18I tell you, you can't believe how much I'm in debt.
14:28You gotta be more careful.
14:30Anyway, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
14:32She's not the kind of girl that settles for second best.
14:34And then she's got this idea that nothing's too good for her.
14:37There's no end in sight.
14:38Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
14:40What if you agree with her only morsel?
14:43Hey, the same thing happened in some musical.
14:45Uh, Oklahoma. No, that wasn't it.
14:48Showboat. No, no, no.
14:50Carousel.
14:52Boy, you know, I really love musicals.
14:55The only one that ever disappointed me was Cabin in the Sky.
14:58But that was my fault because I thought it was gonna be a musical about the construction industry.
15:03Bert, you said you had some idea of how I could handle Elaine.
15:06I'd really appreciate it if you'd tell me what you think I should do.
15:09Danny, kiss me shrew.
15:14Kiss your what?
15:16Not my what. Kiss me shrew. It's a very famous musical by Shakespeare.
15:19It'll work for you, Danny. I know it's gonna work for you.
15:22See, in this story, this guy's got, oh, a terrible wife.
15:24Yeah?
15:25And he keeps her in line. He comes in.
15:27Whoa! Look out!
15:37Ah!
15:40You're gonna love it.
15:42Well, you can bet I'll save this ribbon.
15:47Oh.
15:49You shouldn't have a turtle.
15:53You like it?
15:54I love him.
15:57I'll put him back here so he can play.
15:59Oh, Chester, you know the nice thing about a turtle is that that's something everyone can use,
16:04but seldom goes out to buy for himself.
16:07Thank you for your gifts, too.
16:09You're welcome, Danny. Please don't mention it.
16:12Also, I had my eye on a spider for you over there behind the stairs,
16:15but he turned out to be dead, and I didn't want to bring back bad memories.
16:20All right, I did what you asked. So I just hope I've heard the last of it.
16:24You gave Arnold a proper burial.
16:26Sort of.
16:27What do you mean, sort of?
16:28Well, it was more like a burial at sea.
16:34Flushed him down the toilet.
16:38Colonel, I understand you recently lost a valued rodent.
16:43And I thought the companionship of Sigmund might be of some solace.
16:47Who's Sigmund?
16:48A gallant doberman I liberated from the Nazis during our push to the Rhine.
16:54Now, despite his ancestry, I think you find him a devoted and loyal patriot.
16:59Come, Sigmund.
17:01Sigmund?
17:02Come.
17:05Here.
17:20Stay.
17:25Sigmund, your new master.
17:28Well, Daddy, at least you don't have to worry about fleas.
17:30No.
17:31Oddly enough, in his sunset years, he seems to be more bothered by moths.
17:37Nonetheless, he has still retained his basic knowledge of simple commands.
17:42Sigmund, lie down.
17:47Lie down.
17:54Words fail me.
17:55Words fail me.
17:58All I can say is...
18:05What, Chester?
18:08Landed right on the turtle.
18:12Hey, his breathing sounds bad. This could be serious.
18:14Oh, dear.
18:15Well, I'd better call an ambulance.
18:17No, that's no good.
18:18If they find out he's been hiding here, you'll all be in trouble for harboring a fugitive.
18:21Well, Dutch, we have to do something.
18:22I know.
18:23Wait a minute. Benson, you and the major take him out the back way and around to the front of the house.
18:27Then if anybody asks what happened, say he rang the doorbell and passed out in the doorstep.
18:30Okay, that's a good idea. Here, give me your hand.
18:32Dear, I'm going to call the ambulance.
18:36I got to get out of here.
18:37The cops will be swarming all over this place as soon as they identify your dad.
18:41Let me come with you.
18:42Are you crazy? It's too dangerous.
18:43I don't want to be without you.
18:45Listen, I can't make any promises, but after this calms down, I'll try to come back and see you.
18:50Really, will you?
18:51I'll try, but I don't know how long it'll take.
18:54Goodbye, Dutch.
18:58Be careful.
18:59So long, sweetheart.
19:08They're not going to buy it. This doesn't look natural.
19:10What do you mean?
19:11Well, the story is he rang the doorbell and then collapsed.
19:14This looks like he settled down for a nap.
19:17Give me a hand here.
19:18Let's get him up.
19:19Oh, dear. We'd better hurry.
19:21Yeah, this will make it look more real.
19:23Let's get him over here by the door.
19:25Billy, put his finger on the doorbell there.
19:30Isn't that strange? It sounds as if he's perfectly fine.
19:37I'm going to count to three. Now, when I do, everybody move away.
19:40One, two, three.
19:50Yeah, that looks natural.
20:01Does Burke really have a plan to change Elaine? Does it involve surgery?
20:05Is Chester seriously ill, or is he just upset about Arnold?
20:08Will Sigmund ever be housebroken?
20:10Will Dutch and Eunice get together again?
20:12Will Corinne and Tim get together?
20:14What will the police do when they discover Chester's been taken to the hospital?
20:18Will they have to wait for visiting hours to arrest him?
20:20These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
20:28Soap is videotaped before a studio audience.
20:48Soap is videotaped before a studio audience.