8 Out of 10 Cats. S04 E03.

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First broadcast 3rd November 2006.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer

Frankie Boyle
Trisha Goddard
Duncan Bannatyne
Jonathan Ross

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TV
Transcript
00:00Tonight, on 8 Out of 10 Cats, caught to the hand, it's Jagadar, from Dragon's Den, Gungan
00:28Vanityne, and their captain, Sean Locke. And facing them tonight, and Friday, it's Jonathan
00:37Ross. He'll take the high road, Frankie Boyle, and their captain, Dave Spikey. Now, here's
00:47your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:54Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
00:58Did you know, for example, the human brain is almost 80% water, so you shouldn't leave
01:02it running while you're brushing your teeth. There are 427 licensed professional jockeys
01:08in the UK. If you laid them all end-to-end, they'd stretch from here to here. And kangaroos
01:15cannot walk backwards. Australia's got some funny laws. Let's get started. What are you
01:28talking about? That's the name of our first round. We've teamed up with a leading polling
01:31organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing
01:34this week. It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular
01:37talking points. Sean, Duncan, Tricia, what have the nation been talking about this week?
01:41Prince William losing his machine gun. That's the first thing, because I can't believe they
01:46give members of the royal family machine guns. I mean, I wouldn't trust them with a Conker.
01:50You know, we laugh, but this machine gun fires 775 rounds a minute. People you can kill with
01:58that. 775. It's a watch crime, you can commit, actually, during the postage. I threw my
02:08commander officer off an aircraft carrier, and I get sentenced to six months' detention.
02:11What's she going to get? Sorry, you did what? I threw my commander officer... Haven't you
02:15read my book? What book? Anyone can do it. I thought you were a dragon. How do you hold
02:20a pen? So you threw someone off an aircraft carrier? I was 19 years old, and I threw my
02:27commander officer off his side. Why? You know, he sort of poked me. And I get sentenced to
02:32nine months' detention, Colchester detention barracks. I was 20 years old when it came
02:36out. Absolutely no references, no qualifications. Did you go on the game? You read my book?
02:42Yeah. That's an amazing chapter. You on the game? Who would fuck you? What branch of the
02:55armed forces were you in when you threw that man off the boat? The Navy. You were in the
02:58Navy? Yeah, it was a boat, that was a boat. He might have stowed away to settle an old
03:05score. I can tell you, Prince William losing his gun isn't one of the top five stories,
03:11but there is another royal story in the top five. Prince Charles and Camilla in Pakistan.
03:15Isn't he the last person you want to turn up in a disaster zone? Who? Is it some guy
03:20who could pay for everything to be put right, but who isn't going to? Oh, a mountain fell
03:25on your house. What time's lunch? He's in the top five. Let's have a look. Yes, Prince
03:33Charles has gone on a controversial trip to Pakistan. Buckingham Palace were quick to
03:37deny that Prince Edward is gay. Sorry, what was the question? Charles, Pakistan. What?
03:43Camilla was encouraged to wear a veil. Not for religious reasons, it's like blinkers
03:46for her, it stops her getting jumpy. Over to you, Jonathan, Dave and Frankie. What else
03:53have we been talking about? Halloween, a wonderful time of year for the agoraphobic
03:58paedophile. The police issued a sign that said, you can put it on your house, and it
04:11said, no trick or treat here. That's going to work. You might as well put some dog shit
04:16into the letterbox. The whole thing about Halloween is we pretend it's a pagan thing,
04:23actually we just want to have sex in costume. When else are you going to get a chance during
04:28the year to try and shag your secretary dressed as Spider-Man? You are so sick! That is fantastic,
04:38Tricia, after years of interviewing people who want to hump their sister. It's a monster
04:49now, isn't it? I don't like trick or treating. Two words might help you, laxative chocolate.
04:56Drop that in the bag there. You've done both, you trick and you treat, haven't you? I didn't
05:01like it because I'm just up and down during the football. There's kids ringing on your
05:04doorbell, up and down, up and down. I find going to the door with just a load of blood
05:09on your hands, word soon gets around. Do you not get special treats in for the friendly
05:15children in the neighbourhood? I actually forgot, I normally do, I forgot this year,
05:19and we did put a sign up, and it did actually work. I just put, sorry, forgot. Sorry, forgot
05:27to get some sweets. Why didn't you, while you were writing the sign, why didn't you
05:31pop out to a fucking shop and buy some sweets? That's exactly what the first kid said. A
05:38little girl turned up at my mates house the other night, dressed as a furry, and went
05:41trick or treat, really sweet. So he put an apple in her bag and she went, I don't want
05:45fucking fruit. Right, let's have a look and see whether Halloween is one of the most talked
05:51about things this week. Yes, it is, the most talked about thing this week. Yes, Tony Blair
05:58celebrated Halloween by making Cherie stand in the window with a candle in her mouth.
06:03Back to you, Sean Steen, what else have people been talking about this week? The environment.
06:07Global warming and how the economy is going to go bottoms up if we don't. I think it's
06:12a little bit more serious than that, even. Really? It's going to go bottom up. They say
06:16it's actually going to infect things pretty bad. Are we going to die? Do we really need
06:21to panic, because let's face it, we're going to be OK. It's a few generations down the
06:26line and frankly, screw them. To be honest, our grandchildren will probably have a great
06:30laugh fighting oxygen wars against crab men. One invention which I think will save a lot
06:37of greenhouse gases, which is water skis which work at very low speeds. You can use them
06:42on rowing boats. So people can just, you know, it's just a small thing. Imagine someone rowing
06:48like that, and they go, you having a good time? And you're going, mmm.
07:02Shall we have a look and see if global warming is one of the most talked about things this week?
07:08Yes, a report on global warming was published this week. We've been warned that global
07:12warming could cause a huge global recession. I'm not worried, I've invested heavily in
07:16boats, sandbags and penguin coffins. Penguin coffins, are you in? I'm in. I'll give you
07:2990% for a pound. Dave, Jonathan, Frankie, what else have the nation been talking about
07:34this week? ASBOs, they were in the news this week, weren't they? They were, yeah. The story
07:37I read, it said that teenagers are now taking an ASBO as a kind of badge of pride, which
07:40I think is obviously, you know, it was due to happen, because they've grown up liking
07:44our boats, the sweets, all right? We all like Les' boats. Hobos, the friendly face
07:49of tramping. I think ASBOs are the same kind of cool, don't they? An ASBO, well, you change
07:53it from an ASBO and you make it something else, like a nuisance unto society, so it's
07:57an anus. I've had one or two people with ASBOs on my show. I should imagine it's a requirement.
08:09It does sound like a sort of plumbing certificate, doesn't it? I've got a, I'm ASBO registered,
08:13yes. I can do your boiler and I'll crap in your sink as well. The government could get
08:20these teens in line by employing bigger boys. The government should rule all the bigger
08:26boys and it should sort of be like a gang, and if you do something wrong, oh, the bigger
08:32boys will do your boys. I think the bigger boys we currently use are the police. Those
08:39boys aren't big enough to me. We need even bigger boys. Like he needs to knock out. Those
08:46great bigs bigger inside them. Should we have a look and see whether ASBOs are one of the
08:51most talked about things this week? They certainly are, yes. Yes, this is the story that ASBOs
08:59are considered to be a badge of honour by teenagers. Teenage offenders think of ASBOs
09:03as a status symbol. What sort of example is that to set to their kids? Fingers on buzzers.
09:09We have one more thing to get. What else have the nation been talking about? Is it Madonna
09:14who's adopted a wee boy and now his only black role models will be homosexual backing dancers?
09:28Madonna is not one of the top talking points this week. OK, one more thing to get. Is it
09:32the online gaming thing? A million people are addicted to online casinos, but they're
09:37not casinos because they're actually sitting at home in your pants, writing onto a keyboard
09:42as you go bankrupt. It's said in the report that 9% of under-15s are addicted to internet
09:49gambling, and there should be more safeguards. But there are safeguards. It says do not proceed
09:55What can you do? Have you ever played reverse lottery? What you do is get a lottery card
10:02and you fill in ten combinations of numbers that you don't put any money on, and then
10:06you sit and watch the television and see if it comes up. You're a millionaire, man. If
10:11it comes up, you've lost five million quid. If it doesn't come up, you've won a pound.
10:15That sounds like a great game. I did a bit of online gambling. I bought a mattress on
10:20eBay. You never know. I hope it's new. I can tell you that online gambling is not one
10:30of the most talked about things this week. OK, one more thing to get. Fingers on buzzers.
10:34Is it the Christmas ship? The ship that's supposed to be bringing Christmas from China.
10:39It's the massive, biggest ship ever. Think of a massive ship. Aircraft carrier. Bigger
10:43than that. Bigger than that? Massive. Five times bigger? No, you can't even think of
10:48how many times bigger it would be than that. It makes an aircraft carrier look like a rowing
10:52boat. You like big ships. Do you want to have a look at this? Look at the size of that.
10:57Wow. That's a big ship, isn't it? I don't think they should give this ship any publicity
11:01because millions of children in Britain think that Santa brings the presents, and they're
11:06calling this the Christmas ship. Shut up. What if there was an accident? What if it
11:13capsized or something? That would be awful. Cheap, crappy Chinese presents would be floating
11:17around the ship. Huge, cranberry slick, and there'd be turkeys floating in the sea, and
11:21there'd be birds tangled up in Christmas hats and cracked open. What I want to know is,
11:29why is this ship wasting its time? Nobody wants anything on that ship. All they want
11:33is my book. I think what you're doing, Duncan, is you're over-plugging. You can plug, and
11:39it's good, you know, plug, but after a while, it's almost like you're standing at their
11:43window going, buy my book! Take it back a bit. It's like 40 containers full of bras,
11:49and you think, well, that's not a great Christmas gift, is it? They're not for women. Actually,
11:53you buy a man a container full of bras, and he just runs into it.
12:01Shall we have a look and see whether the China Christmas boat is one of the most talked about
12:04things this week? Yes, it is. Yes, the world's biggest container ship is on its way from
12:11China, containing all our Christmas gifts. Ho, ho, ho. Isn't that the name of the captain?
12:18At the end of the round, I can tell you that Sean's team have three points, Dave's team
12:21have two points. The next round is called the poll with a hole. Dave's team, you ought
12:29to go first. One in five Scots say they drink because what? Because they've run out of heroin.
12:41Is it because they're on the train? There's always at least one drunken Scotsman on the
12:46train, isn't there? Is it because there's a moose loose in the hood? I didn't realise
12:52you were Scottish. But I am actually, or worse, I am, I'm sure, possibly Scottish, and I despise
12:58the typical stereotypes that us Scots have to suffer from. The tartar, the butterscotch,
13:04the blarney stone, I'm sick of it. Behaviour with yourself, Jimmy Carr, or there'll be
13:11no butterscotch for you this evening. And not a sniff of me haggis. Has he had a stroke?
13:19I'll tell you one thing that drives you to drink when you're Scottish, is when people
13:23try to put your accent on. I find it bloody insufferable. English people can't do Scottish
13:29accents. It's the most awful thing now. I think Scots drink because their hand reaches
13:37their face. One in five Scots say they drink because they want to. That's so close to the
13:46answer, I think I might give you that. Yes, one in five Scots say they drink because they
13:52want to get drunk. Mission accomplished. Of course, not all Scots are alcoholics. Some
13:59of them are ex-alcoholics. With drug problems. Jimmy Carr is performing at this year's Glasgow
14:06Festival, where he will be ripped to fucking pieces. Sean, Doug and Patricia, 16% of Brits
14:19wish Elton John would what? Buy a decent wig. But this is a big quandary that faces all
14:23men. If you were going to be losing your hair, these days the modern man, they tend to shave
14:26it off. Or do you go with the wig? You know the comb-over? I reckon you could do it almost
14:30like an ice cream. You know, like a Mr Wig. Actually, one of my favourite films is the
14:39comb-over of the movie. It's a fantastic film. It's just comb-overs. All the comb-overs
14:44everybody has. It just films them all. It goes around filming them. Seriously, that
14:47is your favourite movie? I'll send you some DVDs. You're going to fucking love the Lord
14:52of the Rings. It's just interviews with people with comb-overs. This is Duncan's weekend.
14:58I'll write a bit more of me wee book. I'll fill in some imaginary lottery cards. Then
15:03get me favourite movie out, the comb-over. All right, Elton John. 16% of Brits wish
15:10Elton John would what? Turn Prescott. That's a headline you'd want to read. If you were
15:18in jail, would you have sex with a man, Jimmy? I don't think Jimmy would have a choice. You
15:27can't see him bossing the wing. Give it two weeks and you'd be teetering around D-Wing
15:32in a bin liner miniskirt. Something about Elton John would play at their funeral. Exactly
15:39the right answer. 16% of Brits wish Elton John would sing at their funeral. I like Elton
15:47John, but given the choice, I'd rather sing at his. At the end of that round, Sean, Duncan
15:53and Tricia have five points. Dave, Jonathan and Frankie have two points. Join me after
16:00the break when we'll be finding out what school dinners did to you.
16:14Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats. The next round is Believe It Or Not. In this round
16:18I give the panellists a simple statement. All they have to do is decide whether they
16:21think it's true or false. Sean, Duncan and Tricia, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate
16:25your statistic. It's said that the English are cool and collected at all times, but now
16:32someone has invented a bowler which gives more than moral support and its purpose is
16:35to protect cashiers and guards from violent attack. For protecting money, the same team
16:40of backroom boys have come up with this ingenious device. The idea of course is to let your
16:50attacker have the bag and not only has he those arms to contend with, but a trapped
16:54hand too. It's impossible for the thief to release his fingers, which in any case would
16:58probably be crushed, until the bag has been unlocked. This means he can't get rid of it,
17:03nor can he take it very far. He can't climb into a getaway car with that 12 foot span
17:07of rigid telescopic arms, so unless he surrenders on the spot, he's got to try and bluff his
17:11way out by walking home like this. There was some sixties crime prevention there. Here
17:19was your related statistic. 24% of men have invented something they still haven't got
17:23round to patenting. Is that true or false? It's much higher. Much higher than 24%. I
17:28get about 100 of them every day with a new invention. I've got an invention for you,
17:33Duncan. You know how pandas have difficulty conceiving? What about we get sexy lingerie
17:38for them? Sexy crotchless panda panties. Panda Viagra. Why hasn't anyone thought of that?
17:47The place would be swarming with pandas. You wouldn't be able to get to your coat and your
17:51underwear. There would be bloody pandas out there. You'd have to run across their heads
17:55to work. Duncan, what's the worst thing you've ever been pitched? Cardboard beach
18:00furnisher. She'd spent £60,000 patenting it. And I said, what if my little boy Tom
18:05comes out of the sea soaking wet and sits on one of the cardboard chairs? She says,
18:11tell him not to. I think that's a great story. You should write a book. I've invented those
18:19panties. Little baskets you hang over your nose and you can put stuff in them. Your hands
18:24are free. It wouldn't work on us because you've got pointy noses and ours would just fall
18:28off our noses. Dan, that's the only flaw in it. I thought I was going to be rich. I was
18:36that close. So what are you saying? False. You with me? They say it's false. I can tell
18:43you the answer is false. Only 7% of men have invented something and haven't got round to
18:47patenting. What they need is my new Invento-Remindo-Prom, which reminds you when you've got an invention
18:53to patent. OK, Jonathan and Frankie, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
18:57This is Mariah. She's 18 years old and she is deathly afraid of pickles. I hate pickles.
19:04I hate everything about them. Pickles are afraid of them. When I think about pickles,
19:09I just want to throw up and run away. What I hate most about the pickles is the shape,
19:16the texture of it, the colour, the... When did this all start? When I was really little,
19:23I couldn't stand them. You've got to see a pickle. No. Can we have a pickle, please?
19:30No. I was in a hotel in the south of France once, years ago, and they had a buffet outside,
19:43OK, and it was a really nice buffet and you were going in the food and you know what the French are like,
19:46they have a very relaxed attitude towards their children out by the seaside. Lots of kids were running around
19:49naked or, you know, barely dressed, fooling around. There was a bit of a kerfuffle went over by the buffet area.
19:54We were sitting there and we saw an angry Frenchman carry his son away from the buffet
19:59with a pickle sticking out of his arsehole. We have no idea what happened. My limited French
20:07couldn't cast any light on it. The petty boy with the pickle, he inserted himself,
20:12or the papa put the pickle down the bucket. He sat on the pickle. Was he being naughty?
20:17Did a friend creep up with the pickle? That needs a bit of something saucy on it.
20:23Can I just say, for someone who's a master of accents, hearing you say kerfuffle by the buffet area
20:30was actually more Scottish than you've sounded ornate.
20:33Oh, I can surprise you!
20:37OK, your related statistic, 51% of Brits can trace a food phobia back to school dinners. Is that true or false?
20:44Our school dinners were shit. They were memories of tapioca frog spawn, weren't they?
20:49Frog spawn with a blood clot in them. And I've never eaten oysters since Barry Tatton gobbled in me lunchbox.
20:58The best thing I liked was the custard, because there was always a skin on the custard.
21:01And one of the dinners, my favourite one, used to be I'd do an initial with a droopy nipple on the top of it.
21:06I feel like I'm buying the Guinness. 51% of Brits can trace a food phobia back to school dinners.
21:11What do you think, Dave? Would it put you off food?
21:13True. You're saying it's true. I can tell you you're absolutely right. The answer is true.
21:20So at the end of that round, I can tell you it's six points for Sean's team and three points for Dave's team.
21:27And the winner is, is the name of our final round. I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls
21:31and it's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
21:34OK, the first one. Top thing people think about in meetings.
21:39When I'm on a board meeting with all my people, I think, who's paying all these people? Me.
21:43All right. Think what about it.
21:45In a meeting, you immediately want to go to the loo, don't you?
21:48No, I think you think about what your boss would look like on the toilet.
21:52I'm thinking about what Jimmy would look like on the toilet right now.
21:56And look at that expression. Not that expression.
22:00Sex.
22:01That's the correct answer.
22:05Yes, the top thing people think about in meetings is sex.
22:08My love life is so boring, I think about meetings during sex.
22:11I've started taking minutes. Two minutes.
22:15OK, top sign of stress.
22:18Aggression and bad temper.
22:20Easy.
22:22A monkey riding a bike doesn't make you laugh.
22:27I think it's the best sign of stress I've ever had.
22:29A monkey on a bicycle and he just went, silly idiot.
22:34Patricia, you must get stressed hanging around with people that are, you know, let's face facts.
22:39The people I hang around with or people I work with are not unlike yourselves.
22:45Oh, come on, you're a glorified care worker.
22:50Is it when you wake up at the top of a tower block and you're looking through crosshairs?
22:56No, it isn't.
22:57It's a normal everyday thing that doesn't involve murder.
23:00It's related to bedtime.
23:02You can't sleep.
23:03That's the right answer.
23:07The top sign of stress is not being able to sleep.
23:09I went to the doctor when I couldn't sleep and he said, take two of these.
23:12I said, what are they? He said, pillows.
23:21Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show.
23:23Which means the final scores are Dave, Jonathan and Frankie have four points.
23:26But tonight's winners are Sean, Duncan and Tricia with eight points.
23:32Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
23:35That's it from us, goodnight.
23:53Bought in the USA next on 4.