First broadcast 3rd November 2006.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Frankie Boyle
Trisha Goddard
Duncan Bannatyne
Jonathan Ross
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Frankie Boyle
Trisha Goddard
Duncan Bannatyne
Jonathan Ross
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight, on 8 Out of 10 Cats, caught to the hand, it's Jagadar, from Dragon's Den, Gungan
00:28Vanityne, and their captain, Sean Locke. And facing them tonight, and Friday, it's Jonathan
00:37Ross. He'll take the high road, Frankie Boyle, and their captain, Dave Spikey. Now, here's
00:47your host, Jimmy Carr.
00:54Hello, and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
00:58Did you know, for example, the human brain is almost 80% water, so you shouldn't leave
01:02it running while you're brushing your teeth. There are 427 licensed professional jockeys
01:08in the UK. If you laid them all end-to-end, they'd stretch from here to here. And kangaroos
01:15cannot walk backwards. Australia's got some funny laws. Let's get started. What are you
01:28talking about? That's the name of our first round. We've teamed up with a leading polling
01:31organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing
01:34this week. It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular
01:37talking points. Sean, Duncan, Tricia, what have the nation been talking about this week?
01:41Prince William losing his machine gun. That's the first thing, because I can't believe they
01:46give members of the royal family machine guns. I mean, I wouldn't trust them with a Conker.
01:50You know, we laugh, but this machine gun fires 775 rounds a minute. People you can kill with
01:58that. 775. It's a watch crime, you can commit, actually, during the postage. I threw my
02:08commander officer off an aircraft carrier, and I get sentenced to six months' detention.
02:11What's she going to get? Sorry, you did what? I threw my commander officer... Haven't you
02:15read my book? What book? Anyone can do it. I thought you were a dragon. How do you hold
02:20a pen? So you threw someone off an aircraft carrier? I was 19 years old, and I threw my
02:27commander officer off his side. Why? You know, he sort of poked me. And I get sentenced to
02:32nine months' detention, Colchester detention barracks. I was 20 years old when it came
02:36out. Absolutely no references, no qualifications. Did you go on the game? You read my book?
02:42Yeah. That's an amazing chapter. You on the game? Who would fuck you? What branch of the
02:55armed forces were you in when you threw that man off the boat? The Navy. You were in the
02:58Navy? Yeah, it was a boat, that was a boat. He might have stowed away to settle an old
03:05score. I can tell you, Prince William losing his gun isn't one of the top five stories,
03:11but there is another royal story in the top five. Prince Charles and Camilla in Pakistan.
03:15Isn't he the last person you want to turn up in a disaster zone? Who? Is it some guy
03:20who could pay for everything to be put right, but who isn't going to? Oh, a mountain fell
03:25on your house. What time's lunch? He's in the top five. Let's have a look. Yes, Prince
03:33Charles has gone on a controversial trip to Pakistan. Buckingham Palace were quick to
03:37deny that Prince Edward is gay. Sorry, what was the question? Charles, Pakistan. What?
03:43Camilla was encouraged to wear a veil. Not for religious reasons, it's like blinkers
03:46for her, it stops her getting jumpy. Over to you, Jonathan, Dave and Frankie. What else
03:53have we been talking about? Halloween, a wonderful time of year for the agoraphobic
03:58paedophile. The police issued a sign that said, you can put it on your house, and it
04:11said, no trick or treat here. That's going to work. You might as well put some dog shit
04:16into the letterbox. The whole thing about Halloween is we pretend it's a pagan thing,
04:23actually we just want to have sex in costume. When else are you going to get a chance during
04:28the year to try and shag your secretary dressed as Spider-Man? You are so sick! That is fantastic,
04:38Tricia, after years of interviewing people who want to hump their sister. It's a monster
04:49now, isn't it? I don't like trick or treating. Two words might help you, laxative chocolate.
04:56Drop that in the bag there. You've done both, you trick and you treat, haven't you? I didn't
05:01like it because I'm just up and down during the football. There's kids ringing on your
05:04doorbell, up and down, up and down. I find going to the door with just a load of blood
05:09on your hands, word soon gets around. Do you not get special treats in for the friendly
05:15children in the neighbourhood? I actually forgot, I normally do, I forgot this year,
05:19and we did put a sign up, and it did actually work. I just put, sorry, forgot. Sorry, forgot
05:27to get some sweets. Why didn't you, while you were writing the sign, why didn't you
05:31pop out to a fucking shop and buy some sweets? That's exactly what the first kid said. A
05:38little girl turned up at my mates house the other night, dressed as a furry, and went
05:41trick or treat, really sweet. So he put an apple in her bag and she went, I don't want
05:45fucking fruit. Right, let's have a look and see whether Halloween is one of the most talked
05:51about things this week. Yes, it is, the most talked about thing this week. Yes, Tony Blair
05:58celebrated Halloween by making Cherie stand in the window with a candle in her mouth.
06:03Back to you, Sean Steen, what else have people been talking about this week? The environment.
06:07Global warming and how the economy is going to go bottoms up if we don't. I think it's
06:12a little bit more serious than that, even. Really? It's going to go bottom up. They say
06:16it's actually going to infect things pretty bad. Are we going to die? Do we really need
06:21to panic, because let's face it, we're going to be OK. It's a few generations down the
06:26line and frankly, screw them. To be honest, our grandchildren will probably have a great
06:30laugh fighting oxygen wars against crab men. One invention which I think will save a lot
06:37of greenhouse gases, which is water skis which work at very low speeds. You can use them
06:42on rowing boats. So people can just, you know, it's just a small thing. Imagine someone rowing
06:48like that, and they go, you having a good time? And you're going, mmm.
07:02Shall we have a look and see if global warming is one of the most talked about things this week?
07:08Yes, a report on global warming was published this week. We've been warned that global
07:12warming could cause a huge global recession. I'm not worried, I've invested heavily in
07:16boats, sandbags and penguin coffins. Penguin coffins, are you in? I'm in. I'll give you
07:2990% for a pound. Dave, Jonathan, Frankie, what else have the nation been talking about
07:34this week? ASBOs, they were in the news this week, weren't they? They were, yeah. The story
07:37I read, it said that teenagers are now taking an ASBO as a kind of badge of pride, which
07:40I think is obviously, you know, it was due to happen, because they've grown up liking
07:44our boats, the sweets, all right? We all like Les' boats. Hobos, the friendly face
07:49of tramping. I think ASBOs are the same kind of cool, don't they? An ASBO, well, you change
07:53it from an ASBO and you make it something else, like a nuisance unto society, so it's
07:57an anus. I've had one or two people with ASBOs on my show. I should imagine it's a requirement.
08:09It does sound like a sort of plumbing certificate, doesn't it? I've got a, I'm ASBO registered,
08:13yes. I can do your boiler and I'll crap in your sink as well. The government could get
08:20these teens in line by employing bigger boys. The government should rule all the bigger
08:26boys and it should sort of be like a gang, and if you do something wrong, oh, the bigger
08:32boys will do your boys. I think the bigger boys we currently use are the police. Those
08:39boys aren't big enough to me. We need even bigger boys. Like he needs to knock out. Those
08:46great bigs bigger inside them. Should we have a look and see whether ASBOs are one of the
08:51most talked about things this week? They certainly are, yes. Yes, this is the story that ASBOs
08:59are considered to be a badge of honour by teenagers. Teenage offenders think of ASBOs
09:03as a status symbol. What sort of example is that to set to their kids? Fingers on buzzers.
09:09We have one more thing to get. What else have the nation been talking about? Is it Madonna
09:14who's adopted a wee boy and now his only black role models will be homosexual backing dancers?
09:28Madonna is not one of the top talking points this week. OK, one more thing to get. Is it
09:32the online gaming thing? A million people are addicted to online casinos, but they're
09:37not casinos because they're actually sitting at home in your pants, writing onto a keyboard
09:42as you go bankrupt. It's said in the report that 9% of under-15s are addicted to internet
09:49gambling, and there should be more safeguards. But there are safeguards. It says do not proceed
09:55What can you do? Have you ever played reverse lottery? What you do is get a lottery card
10:02and you fill in ten combinations of numbers that you don't put any money on, and then
10:06you sit and watch the television and see if it comes up. You're a millionaire, man. If
10:11it comes up, you've lost five million quid. If it doesn't come up, you've won a pound.
10:15That sounds like a great game. I did a bit of online gambling. I bought a mattress on
10:20eBay. You never know. I hope it's new. I can tell you that online gambling is not one
10:30of the most talked about things this week. OK, one more thing to get. Fingers on buzzers.
10:34Is it the Christmas ship? The ship that's supposed to be bringing Christmas from China.
10:39It's the massive, biggest ship ever. Think of a massive ship. Aircraft carrier. Bigger
10:43than that. Bigger than that? Massive. Five times bigger? No, you can't even think of
10:48how many times bigger it would be than that. It makes an aircraft carrier look like a rowing
10:52boat. You like big ships. Do you want to have a look at this? Look at the size of that.
10:57Wow. That's a big ship, isn't it? I don't think they should give this ship any publicity
11:01because millions of children in Britain think that Santa brings the presents, and they're
11:06calling this the Christmas ship. Shut up. What if there was an accident? What if it
11:13capsized or something? That would be awful. Cheap, crappy Chinese presents would be floating
11:17around the ship. Huge, cranberry slick, and there'd be turkeys floating in the sea, and
11:21there'd be birds tangled up in Christmas hats and cracked open. What I want to know is,
11:29why is this ship wasting its time? Nobody wants anything on that ship. All they want
11:33is my book. I think what you're doing, Duncan, is you're over-plugging. You can plug, and
11:39it's good, you know, plug, but after a while, it's almost like you're standing at their
11:43window going, buy my book! Take it back a bit. It's like 40 containers full of bras,
11:49and you think, well, that's not a great Christmas gift, is it? They're not for women. Actually,
11:53you buy a man a container full of bras, and he just runs into it.
12:01Shall we have a look and see whether the China Christmas boat is one of the most talked about
12:04things this week? Yes, it is. Yes, the world's biggest container ship is on its way from
12:11China, containing all our Christmas gifts. Ho, ho, ho. Isn't that the name of the captain?
12:18At the end of the round, I can tell you that Sean's team have three points, Dave's team
12:21have two points. The next round is called the poll with a hole. Dave's team, you ought
12:29to go first. One in five Scots say they drink because what? Because they've run out of heroin.
12:41Is it because they're on the train? There's always at least one drunken Scotsman on the
12:46train, isn't there? Is it because there's a moose loose in the hood? I didn't realise
12:52you were Scottish. But I am actually, or worse, I am, I'm sure, possibly Scottish, and I despise
12:58the typical stereotypes that us Scots have to suffer from. The tartar, the butterscotch,
13:04the blarney stone, I'm sick of it. Behaviour with yourself, Jimmy Carr, or there'll be
13:11no butterscotch for you this evening. And not a sniff of me haggis. Has he had a stroke?
13:19I'll tell you one thing that drives you to drink when you're Scottish, is when people
13:23try to put your accent on. I find it bloody insufferable. English people can't do Scottish
13:29accents. It's the most awful thing now. I think Scots drink because their hand reaches
13:37their face. One in five Scots say they drink because they want to. That's so close to the
13:46answer, I think I might give you that. Yes, one in five Scots say they drink because they
13:52want to get drunk. Mission accomplished. Of course, not all Scots are alcoholics. Some
13:59of them are ex-alcoholics. With drug problems. Jimmy Carr is performing at this year's Glasgow
14:06Festival, where he will be ripped to fucking pieces. Sean, Doug and Patricia, 16% of Brits
14:19wish Elton John would what? Buy a decent wig. But this is a big quandary that faces all
14:23men. If you were going to be losing your hair, these days the modern man, they tend to shave
14:26it off. Or do you go with the wig? You know the comb-over? I reckon you could do it almost
14:30like an ice cream. You know, like a Mr Wig. Actually, one of my favourite films is the
14:39comb-over of the movie. It's a fantastic film. It's just comb-overs. All the comb-overs
14:44everybody has. It just films them all. It goes around filming them. Seriously, that
14:47is your favourite movie? I'll send you some DVDs. You're going to fucking love the Lord
14:52of the Rings. It's just interviews with people with comb-overs. This is Duncan's weekend.
14:58I'll write a bit more of me wee book. I'll fill in some imaginary lottery cards. Then
15:03get me favourite movie out, the comb-over. All right, Elton John. 16% of Brits wish
15:10Elton John would what? Turn Prescott. That's a headline you'd want to read. If you were
15:18in jail, would you have sex with a man, Jimmy? I don't think Jimmy would have a choice. You
15:27can't see him bossing the wing. Give it two weeks and you'd be teetering around D-Wing
15:32in a bin liner miniskirt. Something about Elton John would play at their funeral. Exactly
15:39the right answer. 16% of Brits wish Elton John would sing at their funeral. I like Elton
15:47John, but given the choice, I'd rather sing at his. At the end of that round, Sean, Duncan
15:53and Tricia have five points. Dave, Jonathan and Frankie have two points. Join me after
16:00the break when we'll be finding out what school dinners did to you.
16:14Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats. The next round is Believe It Or Not. In this round
16:18I give the panellists a simple statement. All they have to do is decide whether they
16:21think it's true or false. Sean, Duncan and Tricia, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate
16:25your statistic. It's said that the English are cool and collected at all times, but now
16:32someone has invented a bowler which gives more than moral support and its purpose is
16:35to protect cashiers and guards from violent attack. For protecting money, the same team
16:40of backroom boys have come up with this ingenious device. The idea of course is to let your
16:50attacker have the bag and not only has he those arms to contend with, but a trapped
16:54hand too. It's impossible for the thief to release his fingers, which in any case would
16:58probably be crushed, until the bag has been unlocked. This means he can't get rid of it,
17:03nor can he take it very far. He can't climb into a getaway car with that 12 foot span
17:07of rigid telescopic arms, so unless he surrenders on the spot, he's got to try and bluff his
17:11way out by walking home like this. There was some sixties crime prevention there. Here
17:19was your related statistic. 24% of men have invented something they still haven't got
17:23round to patenting. Is that true or false? It's much higher. Much higher than 24%. I
17:28get about 100 of them every day with a new invention. I've got an invention for you,
17:33Duncan. You know how pandas have difficulty conceiving? What about we get sexy lingerie
17:38for them? Sexy crotchless panda panties. Panda Viagra. Why hasn't anyone thought of that?
17:47The place would be swarming with pandas. You wouldn't be able to get to your coat and your
17:51underwear. There would be bloody pandas out there. You'd have to run across their heads
17:55to work. Duncan, what's the worst thing you've ever been pitched? Cardboard beach
18:00furnisher. She'd spent £60,000 patenting it. And I said, what if my little boy Tom
18:05comes out of the sea soaking wet and sits on one of the cardboard chairs? She says,
18:11tell him not to. I think that's a great story. You should write a book. I've invented those
18:19panties. Little baskets you hang over your nose and you can put stuff in them. Your hands
18:24are free. It wouldn't work on us because you've got pointy noses and ours would just fall
18:28off our noses. Dan, that's the only flaw in it. I thought I was going to be rich. I was
18:36that close. So what are you saying? False. You with me? They say it's false. I can tell
18:43you the answer is false. Only 7% of men have invented something and haven't got round to
18:47patenting. What they need is my new Invento-Remindo-Prom, which reminds you when you've got an invention
18:53to patent. OK, Jonathan and Frankie, let's have a look at a clip to illustrate your statistic.
18:57This is Mariah. She's 18 years old and she is deathly afraid of pickles. I hate pickles.
19:04I hate everything about them. Pickles are afraid of them. When I think about pickles,
19:09I just want to throw up and run away. What I hate most about the pickles is the shape,
19:16the texture of it, the colour, the... When did this all start? When I was really little,
19:23I couldn't stand them. You've got to see a pickle. No. Can we have a pickle, please?
19:30No. I was in a hotel in the south of France once, years ago, and they had a buffet outside,
19:43OK, and it was a really nice buffet and you were going in the food and you know what the French are like,
19:46they have a very relaxed attitude towards their children out by the seaside. Lots of kids were running around
19:49naked or, you know, barely dressed, fooling around. There was a bit of a kerfuffle went over by the buffet area.
19:54We were sitting there and we saw an angry Frenchman carry his son away from the buffet
19:59with a pickle sticking out of his arsehole. We have no idea what happened. My limited French
20:07couldn't cast any light on it. The petty boy with the pickle, he inserted himself,
20:12or the papa put the pickle down the bucket. He sat on the pickle. Was he being naughty?
20:17Did a friend creep up with the pickle? That needs a bit of something saucy on it.
20:23Can I just say, for someone who's a master of accents, hearing you say kerfuffle by the buffet area
20:30was actually more Scottish than you've sounded ornate.
20:33Oh, I can surprise you!
20:37OK, your related statistic, 51% of Brits can trace a food phobia back to school dinners. Is that true or false?
20:44Our school dinners were shit. They were memories of tapioca frog spawn, weren't they?
20:49Frog spawn with a blood clot in them. And I've never eaten oysters since Barry Tatton gobbled in me lunchbox.
20:58The best thing I liked was the custard, because there was always a skin on the custard.
21:01And one of the dinners, my favourite one, used to be I'd do an initial with a droopy nipple on the top of it.
21:06I feel like I'm buying the Guinness. 51% of Brits can trace a food phobia back to school dinners.
21:11What do you think, Dave? Would it put you off food?
21:13True. You're saying it's true. I can tell you you're absolutely right. The answer is true.
21:20So at the end of that round, I can tell you it's six points for Sean's team and three points for Dave's team.
21:27And the winner is, is the name of our final round. I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls
21:31and it's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
21:34OK, the first one. Top thing people think about in meetings.
21:39When I'm on a board meeting with all my people, I think, who's paying all these people? Me.
21:43All right. Think what about it.
21:45In a meeting, you immediately want to go to the loo, don't you?
21:48No, I think you think about what your boss would look like on the toilet.
21:52I'm thinking about what Jimmy would look like on the toilet right now.
21:56And look at that expression. Not that expression.
22:00Sex.
22:01That's the correct answer.
22:05Yes, the top thing people think about in meetings is sex.
22:08My love life is so boring, I think about meetings during sex.
22:11I've started taking minutes. Two minutes.
22:15OK, top sign of stress.
22:18Aggression and bad temper.
22:20Easy.
22:22A monkey riding a bike doesn't make you laugh.
22:27I think it's the best sign of stress I've ever had.
22:29A monkey on a bicycle and he just went, silly idiot.
22:34Patricia, you must get stressed hanging around with people that are, you know, let's face facts.
22:39The people I hang around with or people I work with are not unlike yourselves.
22:45Oh, come on, you're a glorified care worker.
22:50Is it when you wake up at the top of a tower block and you're looking through crosshairs?
22:56No, it isn't.
22:57It's a normal everyday thing that doesn't involve murder.
23:00It's related to bedtime.
23:02You can't sleep.
23:03That's the right answer.
23:07The top sign of stress is not being able to sleep.
23:09I went to the doctor when I couldn't sleep and he said, take two of these.
23:12I said, what are they? He said, pillows.
23:21Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show.
23:23Which means the final scores are Dave, Jonathan and Frankie have four points.
23:26But tonight's winners are Sean, Duncan and Tricia with eight points.
23:32Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
23:35That's it from us, goodnight.
23:53Bought in the USA next on 4.