One Foot In The Grave S01 E02 - The Big Sleep
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Are you sure you don't want anything? I don't want anything.
00:04I want my £4.50, then I'm going straight back and reporting this to the police.
00:08Yes. Well, look, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. God, there he is. I think I feel sick.
00:13Are you still here? Oh, good, another wonderful circular from Reader's Digest.
00:17I do so look forward to them every morning. They're full of such delightful offers.
00:21Without them, my life would be totally incomplete.
00:26Victor, did you indecently expose yourself to this guy?
00:31Expose himself? He showed me everything. He left nothing to the imagination.
00:36You just darted in the downstairs windows like I asked you.
00:39I don't hardcore. That's what it was. I nearly fell off me ladder.
00:43I thought I was in Hamburg watching a cabaret of bizarre erotica.
00:47She says you were handling your private parts.
00:52Of course I was handling my private parts. I was drying them with a flannel.
00:56The most favourite thing to do, drape them across a bathroom radiator for half an hour.
01:00They should get a court order to have people like you destroyed.
01:03I'm going straight round the police about this.
01:05See what they say about a dirty old man putting on a sordid peep show in his own bedroom.
01:11I'm not dirty, I'm not old and I'm not a man.
01:16Bloody things. How are you supposed to open these with a 500-watt chainsaw?
01:21It's my fault for washing the curtains. I should have put the spare ones up.
01:25Why is everything a three-act drama these days? It never used to be.
01:28Because you've got more time on your hands these days to worry about things.
01:33You weren't using my blue flannel, were you?
01:37I don't feel like any breakfast today.
01:39Anyway, I thought I got you that book out of the library, Coping with Old Age.
01:43I remember the two half-wits with silver wigs in the front cover,
01:46laughing uncontrollably at the concept of imminent death,
01:49written by some fat spangled tart who does TV game shows.
01:53It was supposed to stop you getting depressed.
01:56It made me even more depressed, especially the chapter on depression.
01:59According to her, every time you're feeling miserable,
02:02you stop and think of something nice that once happened to you.
02:05It's been wracking my brains for two and a half weeks now.
02:09What about that dream you had that Norman Fowler was being burnt alive in an old house?
02:14Ah, yes, I'd forgotten about that.
02:17Anyway, 60's not old. You've barely started living.
02:21Hmm. The early retirement seems to be suiting Cousin Geoffrey.
02:24He says he's opened up a whole new life for him.
02:27I've never felt so fit and healthy.
02:29I think I'm in better shape now than I've ever been, he says.
02:32When did he write that letter?
02:34Thursday. Why?
02:36This one's from Alice.
02:38She says on the way back from posting that letter,
02:40he had a heart attack and dropped dead on the pavement.
02:45He'd only just turned 60 as well.
02:47Had he really? He'd just taken early retirement.
02:50Yes, how fascinating.
02:52He was the same age as you.
02:54Oh, jolly good. I'll just lie down the floor now and die, sir.
02:57You can call the vicar. I'm no need to let him in.
02:59He can shout at last right through the letterbox.
03:02It's only a month as well
03:04since his sister Lucy contracted that terminal illness.
03:07What, measles?
03:09She died, didn't she?
03:11She fell off a cliff.
03:13Only because she'd gone to the seaside to convalesce.
03:20When's the funeral? Wednesday afternoon.
03:23Yippee! Something to look forward to there in these dark and dismal times.
03:27And don't you dare wear that black top hat again.
03:32You'll wear it to look like Freddie Frinton.
03:47Could you turn it up a bit, please?
03:49I don't think they can quite hear it properly.
03:52LAUGHTER
04:00Bloody muck.
04:18Thank you very much.
04:20You never do it in their side, do you?
04:22All you've got to do is punch your bottom in the other direction.
04:2537 Wengate Drive, the bird's mess capital of Europe.
04:29Fancy crapping in a looping?
04:31Why not drop in a bit to notice where a famous souvenir bird toilet?
04:42What do you want now? A worm?
04:44BIRDS CHIRP
04:49Nice big sausage for breakfast.
04:53Seven chocolate wrappers today.
04:55Makes you wonder why they'd bother about funerals anymore.
04:58Grandma's day. Shall we bury her? No, I can't be bothered.
05:01Just sling her over that bloke's fence. He'll clean it up.
05:04Victor, there's two visitors for you in the front room.
05:07I think it's about, um, you know...
05:14LAUGHTER
05:20Victor Meldrew. Yes?
05:22Wondered if we might have a little word with you, sir.
05:25Oh, God.
05:27On the subject of obscene behaviour.
05:29Look, it's awfully simple, really.
05:31Well, there's a lot of it going on these days, wouldn't you say?
05:34Acts of unbridled filth, perpetrated by perverts and sexual deviants
05:38who should know better at their age.
05:40Look, I just got out of the bath and I was just rubbing...
05:43How do you think the Lord feels about all this? What?
05:46How do you think the Lord feels about so much sin and wickedness
05:49in his holy kingdom on earth?
05:51If we look at Proverbs 6, verse 12, I think we can find the answer.
05:56A naughty person, a wicked man walketh...
05:59You're Jehovah's Witnesses.
06:01You're bloody Jehovah's Witnesses.
06:04You're both a policeman.
06:06Well, we are policemen, but on our days off we work for God.
06:09Let me just read you something, sir.
06:11Get out of my house!
06:13Sir, we all of us need a moment of soul-searching reflection
06:16in these iniquitous...
06:18I know my rights. You can't search my soul without a warrant.
06:21Now, go on, get on out of it.
06:24Bloody cheek.
06:28They said they were from a higher authority.
06:31What's God ever done for me?
06:33Got me fired from my job and drops bird mess all over the garden.
06:38Oh, I've got a pain in my chest now.
06:40What sort of pain? What?
06:42Does it feel as though there's an elephant standing on your ribcage?
06:45Yes, that's exactly the feeling. How do you know? What?
06:48Well, have you ever had an elephant standing on your ribcage?
06:51Well, no, not recently, but...
06:53I mean, why do you say such stupid things, then?
06:56For goodness' sake, turn your mind to something more cheerful.
06:59What shirt are you going to wear to Geoffrey's funeral?
07:02What about the one Alice bought you last Christmas?
07:04I thought you'd cut that up for dishcloths.
07:06I think that would be a nice act of self-sacrifice to put that on.
07:09I think she would appreciate it.
07:11My pulse has stopped now. I'm clinically dead.
07:15I know what would do you good.
07:18I don't know why I didn't think of it before.
07:22And stretch and stretch and stretch.
07:25And stretch and stretch and stretch.
07:28Come on, Arlie, stretching those muscles
07:32to keep them nice and supple.
07:36All right, shake out, everybody.
07:38Tootsies!
07:39Hands.
07:41Come on, give everything a shake out.
07:43And sit down.
07:45Remember, we mustn't overdo it, not now we're elderly.
07:48Cos now we're elderly, we have a whole host of special problems
07:52that can afflict all our limbs and organs.
07:55Er, the doctor says I have to watch my liver.
07:59Oh, DLN, does he?
08:01Yes, and I have to watch my liver as well.
08:05I spend hours watching my liver as a constant joy.
08:08From all our entertainment, I think it beats a pancreas into a cocked hat.
08:12I've got very brittle bones in my leg.
08:15Have you, Elspeth?
08:17Yes, last year I had a plastic hip inserted under Kenneth Clark.
08:20Oh, I see.
08:22It's a miracle of medical science.
08:24Apart from seizing up every now and again,
08:26leaving me totally paralysed and in unbearable agony.
08:29Ah!
08:31Oh, dearie me.
08:33Well, I'll tell you what I'd like to do now, everyone.
08:35It's called...
08:37yoga.
08:39And it's very good for folk like us
08:41who are not quite as young and nimble as we'd like anymore.
08:44It comes from a place called...
08:49Asia.
08:51And here...
08:54Here...
08:56you can see it being practised
08:58by a senior citizen from the Himalayas.
09:01Now, we're going to try something very simple to start with.
09:04All you do is just tuck your feet under your legs like that.
09:08Keep your back nice and straight.
09:10That's right.
09:14And just relax.
09:19Breathe in nice and slowly.
09:24Let your mind go completely blank.
09:28It's very good for tension.
09:32Very good for all those muscles.
09:39Just close your eyes.
09:45And breathe.
09:47Oh, well.
09:53That's it.
09:58How long have we got to sit in a trance like this zombie fashion?
10:01Shh!
10:09Are you sure she's all right?
10:11Will you be quiet?
10:14Oh, God!
10:16It doesn't matter.
10:18Oh!
10:25She's dead.
10:27She can't be dead. She's a bloody health and fitness instructor.
10:31Oh, don't be so hard, you stupid woman.
10:33There's nothing there.
10:35She must have had a coronary.
10:37Oh, brilliant.
10:39Doesn't anyone last any more than five minutes anymore?
10:42At this rate, the entire human race will be extinct by next Thursday.
10:45What are we going to do?
10:47Look, I think you should all go home.
10:49If you would, we'll deal with this.
10:51She's dead. She's dead.
10:53Yes, she is, but there's nothing we can do about it.
10:55We're just going to see if we can get some help.
10:58Victor, why don't you take her for a cup of tea?
11:00Try and calm her down.
11:02I can't. I can't.
11:05Yes, you can. Just ease your...
11:07No, I can't. I can't.
11:09Oh! It's my plastic hip.
11:12The ball's got locked in the socket.
11:15Oh, it's all right. If I just give it a sudden sharp rest...
11:18Oh, don't you dare!
11:20You'll spit her leg open.
11:22Treat her gently.
11:24Oh, I'm going to see if there's a nurse in the college.
11:26You're not going to leave me with these two.
11:29Oh, I can't get up.
11:32I think I'm going to faint.
11:34No, you're not. You're going to be absolutely fine.
11:36You're not going to faint. You're just going to be...
11:38Oh, great.
11:41Welcome to Stiff City.
11:45The dead of two world wars.
11:47Come on, wake her up, you stupid old...
11:57How am I going to move you now?
12:06No! She was perfectly all right just a minute before.
12:10And then all of a sudden...
12:16What are you doing?
12:18No, I'm not shopping for macrophyllids, am I?
12:21She fainted on me. Her leg went gammy.
12:23I couldn't leave her in that room.
12:27Take her to the sick room. It's down there, the last door on the left.
12:32Look, do you want to leave this with me now?
12:34No, no. I'll give you a hand until the ambulance comes.
12:38Ah, excuse me.
12:40You couldn't take care of this lady for me, please?
12:42She's, um...
12:44I mean, I don't think there's anything I can do.
12:46Yes. Yes, of course.
12:56Well, there's another evening of rip-roaring, humdingery entertainment
13:00drawn to a closed door.
13:02I'm afraid it's time for me to go.
13:04Well, there's another evening of rip-roaring, humdingery entertainment
13:08drawn to a closed door.
13:2230 minutes of watch-my-liver with a cast of cocoon
13:25followed by a demonstration of how to snuff it in a lotus position.
13:28You can't take those exercises too far.
13:30I've read about that happening.
13:32It actually stops beating. It can be very dangerous.
13:35I'll just ring the mortuary on the way home,
13:37see if they get any last-minute cancellations.
13:40Excuse me, do you want her back now?
13:42What?
13:43The lady you brought in. She's all finished.
13:53What have you done to her?
13:56I brought her in to be given first aid.
13:59Oh.
14:00I'm creative beauty and advanced hairstyling.
14:03I thought that you were...
14:05Oh.
14:10There we are. There's breadcrumbs there.
14:12There's a bit of fresh bacon rind.
14:14There's a bit of dead worm I chopped up specially.
14:16Fiesta!
14:17I know.
14:19A proper little fiesta.
14:21I shall think of you tucking into that
14:23as I am forcing down the cucumber sandwiches with a crust cut off.
14:29BIRDS CHIRP
14:41You're not going out in those.
14:43What?
14:44What happened to your best black ones?
14:46I haven't broken my black ones in yet.
14:48It's like walking with your foot in a bacon slicer.
14:50If every step shaves another two inches off your heel,
14:53I'd be in agony all day.
14:55The black one's on or I'm not going.
15:03I've got two large lumps in the back of my head now.
15:06Oh, God!
15:07Where did they come from?
15:09I've never noticed them before.
15:12Leave that medical dictionary!
15:15They're just glands.
15:17Not long for this world.
15:18Everyone's dropping like flies these days.
15:20Will you stop going on about death all the while?
15:23Oh, yes, I'll just go to a nice funeral
15:25and take my mind off it for a few hours.
15:27Don't give over.
15:28It won't be nearly as bad as you imagine.
15:35Well, it was a hundred times worse than I imagined.
15:41You never told me he was an atheist.
15:44He was your cousin.
15:46Anyway, I thought it made an interesting change,
15:48a secular funeral.
15:50All the usual hypocrisy.
15:52Yes, well, personally, I could have done without
15:54the head of the local philosophy department
15:56standing up and drumming it in to everyone.
15:58There was no afterlife for 25 minutes.
16:00I mean, that really cheered us all up, didn't it?
16:03Hearing that in the next world
16:04we're going to be the contents of a vacuum cleaner.
16:07Look at that, hacked to pieces.
16:10And you didn't tell me it was going to be
16:12a perpendicular burial either.
16:14He always was a green.
16:16He always wanted to be buried in an upright position.
16:18That's sinking a new fence post.
16:22You can't lie down when you're dead.
16:23When can you lie down?
16:25Do you have to do that in the front room?
16:29I'm never going to buy any more new shoes ever again.
16:33Future, I'm just going to stick a razor blade down
16:35each sock and it'll be much cheaper.
16:40Little Jennifer hasn't half shot up since I last saw her.
16:44When did you last see her?
16:4525 years ago.
16:48Yes, strange, that.
16:51Strange, your mother.
16:57What are you looking up now?
16:59You'll worry yourself to death.
17:01You read that and you'll imagine
17:02you've got every disease under the sun.
17:04Green monkey fever, leprosy, everything.
17:07I'm not worried.
17:08Well, don't. There's nothing wrong with you.
17:10I'm not.
17:11Just because you're 60 and retired now
17:12doesn't mean you're suddenly going to die in your sleep.
17:14I know, I know that.
17:17Die in my sleep? What made you say that?
17:22Oh, so-so, ma'am, you know.
17:24It's been one of those weeks.
17:27He hasn't stopped fretting.
17:30Death, mainly.
17:32I know, I keep telling him that,
17:34but it doesn't make any difference.
17:37Well, he's always been on the go,
17:40and now, of course, he doesn't know what to do with himself.
17:44Pottering about the garden, mostly.
17:47Well, I think he's happiest out there, really.
17:50No, no, I try to keep him away from the television.
17:53That's what gets his blood pressure up.
17:56There was that programme on the other night,
17:58Spontaneous Combustion.
18:00You know, when people suddenly burst into flames
18:02for no reason at all.
18:05You think I could get him out of the shower afterwards?
18:10Well, he's a worry to us all.
18:12Yes. Look, ma'am, I'm going to have to go,
18:14or I'll be late for the shop.
18:16Yes, OK. Bye.
18:20Now, you're not going to mooch around the house all day,
18:24worrying about your health again, are you?
18:26Nope. You sure? Yes.
18:28Right.
18:30See you tonight. Bye.
18:35God, I feel like death warmed up.
18:39Trans-ontactic, I know.
18:41I'm turning into the Elephant Man.
18:50Come on, Mildred, pull yourself together.
18:52You're 60 years old. 60 years old!
18:55You're perfectly all right. It's all in your imagination,
18:57so come on!
18:59There isn't a thing wrong with you, and you know it!
19:09Oh, my God!
19:13It's all over your back, Victor.
19:15I know it's all over my back.
19:17It's all over my back and down my arms and chest.
19:19I don't like the colour of that at all.
19:22Why, does it clash with my underpants?
19:24I'm not too mad on it myself, am I?
19:27Oh, that'll be Dr Snailsgrove.
19:30I feel like Vincent Price in The Mask of the Red Death.
19:33Evening, Mr Mildred. Evening.
19:35What can we do for you?
19:37He's got this nasty rash, Doctor.
19:40Ah, well, let's have a little look at it, then, shall we?
19:43Christ Almighty, it's all over your back, man!
19:46Will you stop saying Christ Almighty, it's all over my back?
19:49Have you got a sore throat at all? No.
19:51Any fever? Yes.
19:53But not according to the thermometer, of course.
19:55I never trust the thermometer.
19:57I've got a fever.
19:59Any fever? Yes.
20:01But not according to the thermometer, of course.
20:03I never trust those.
20:05Show me your tongue.
20:07Hmm, I see.
20:11What do you reckon it is?
20:13Well, I don't know, do I?
20:15You're the doctor, you tell me.
20:17I've got two lumps in the back of my head.
20:20Ah, well, there you are, then.
20:23German measles. Who's had German measles?
20:25Oh, really?
20:27No, I've had that as well. Chickenpox?
20:29No, you haven't guessed. Hard luck.
20:31I'm afraid I'll have to tell you,
20:33victim Mildrew was, in fact, suffering from Spode Syndrome,
20:36a fatal disease that normally only attacks potatoes.
20:39And that means he goes straight to our special celebrity post-mortem
20:43carried out by Rod Hull and Emu.
20:47Is he always like this?
20:58If you need anything, or if there's any problems,
21:01just give me a ring at the florist.
21:03But you know what the doctor said.
21:05It's probably just a virus. It'll clear up in a few days.
21:08And don't stay out here if it starts getting cold.
21:11They forecast fog later on.
21:13Yes, I won't.
21:18Put your hand over it to those Jehovah's Witnesses.
21:21I know what'll happen.
21:23I'll get to heaven, they'll slam the door in my face.
21:34Oi, you!
21:36I've just planted those.
21:53Sssh!
22:16So do be extra careful there in the south-east,
22:19where driving conditions are especially hazardous.
22:23Back now to the Planet Suite.
22:25Neptune, the Mystic.
22:39God.
22:44It's happened.
22:46It's happened while I've been asleep.
22:50I'm dead.
22:52Oh, God.
22:54I know, it's terrible.
22:57Oh, God, it's worse than I thought.
23:00Oh, God.
23:11I hear something.
23:15Oh, it's you.
23:20It's you, God.
23:23I must be in heaven.
23:27God.
23:29I've been waiting for this moment.
23:31Why did you let them kick me out of my job, eh?
23:34Why did you let people throw crisps packets in other people's gardens, eh?
23:37You smarmy self-righteous.
23:39Why can't you make witch tea biscuits easier to open, eh?
23:42Answer me that! Answer me that!
23:44Victor! Victor, it's all right, Victor!
23:48Margaret, you're dead too.
23:52You're not dead. Not dead?
23:54You stepped on a rake.
23:57You're only saying that to make me feel better.
24:00If a patient's dead, I think he's got a right to be told.
24:03Victor, you are not dead, you are not in heaven,
24:07you are still alive. Look.
24:12You mean that man isn't God?
24:16That's Mr Partridge. He's got tonsillitis.
24:24Alice's shirt. It would be Alice's bloody shirt.
24:27All these years, and I never knew you were allergic to Tererine.
24:32I just ought to pick up a few squashed Coke tins off the lawn, dear.
24:42Here we are.
24:44There you're hiding this morning, with your thirsty little thing.
25:14You're welcome. You're welcome.