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Short filmTranscript
00:00Now, you see, if you follow the actual curve of the thigh right the way up to the waist,
00:07you can see it's... Mr Meldrew, you can see that it's actually a virtual right angle.
00:13There. You see? Yes. Now, look at her thighs, and look at your thighs. Not at the floor,
00:21Mr Meldrew, at her thighs. There aren't any thighs on the floor, are there? No. Now, the
00:27head. Now, look at this. I mean, this looks like the result of some hideous medical experiment.
00:34It's... I mean, what is it, Mr Meldrew? It certainly isn't any known terrestrial life
00:41form. It's that film, The Thing, by John Carpenter. And what are these, next to her nose, up here?
00:48I'm not sure what they are, to be honest. They look like tusks. You see, if I'd wanted
00:56a pencil sketch of some heraldic beast suffering from various congenital deformities, I would
01:03have brought one in. Do you see what I'm saying? And got it to pose on the couch. Yes, I see,
01:08yes. Are you comfy there for a minute, Mrs O'Levera? Fine, thank you. Have another go,
01:15I think, at the proportions a bit more. What are you using for this, anyway? Some advanced
01:19form of diamond-cutting implement? 2H. I seem to have gone rather well with that last week
01:24for the cup and saucer, so I thought... Yes, but this isn't a cup and saucer, is it, Mr
01:28Meldrew? No, it really isn't. Use something softer and keep it well-sharpened. Do you
01:35have a Stanley knife? Yes. Try using it, please. No, no, you will not. Leave it in the garage.
01:50There's quite enough death and brood as it is. I'll get a taxi. Lost his contact, again,
01:59my father. Old people are such a worry, aren't they?
02:05Whereabouts do you live, then? Perhaps I can give you a lift. Oh, really? Do you know Sutton
02:11Crescent at all? I shouldn't think you'll have another phone back as long as you live,
02:15will you, Mrs Meldrew? Oh, please don't go through this performance again. And we've
02:21still got all the bedrooms upstairs to clear out next week. I'll have little rubber crumbs
02:26under my nails forevermore. Oh, damn! That's another splinter. Oh, well, let me look. Oh,
02:37dear, that looks a bit nasty. What are you doing? I said I'd do that when I got back.
02:47Yes, well, Mr Walken has been very nice in helping me, haven't you, with the scraping?
02:51Yes, better be on my way, though, I suppose. Bye-bye, Mr Meldrew, and see you tomorrow,
02:58I hope. Oh, see you then. Thanks very much. Bye-bye, then. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
03:09Where was this? Under the gooseberry bush.
03:12Strange, I always thought Weetabix packets were a result of sexual intercourse.
03:15So, how did it go this week? What did you have to draw tonight? I suppose I'd be living in a
03:18fool's paradise to ask if they'd fixed that phone yet. But does it still make a noise like a
03:22castrated hamster?
03:25Fool's paradise, 3-0-0. Hello? Hello? Bloody thing. I said, what did you have to draw tonight?
03:45Seven days ago they were supposed to do that. Am I talking to myself?
03:50Um, a draw. Do you know, I can't remember, it was a...
03:54A nude, yes, that's right, of course, I never lie. A nude? What? A nude woman?
04:00As far as one could tell, yes. Why has she got tusks?
04:09That was a first attempt, don't look at that.
04:14Oh, very nice. Thank you very much.
04:18I suppose you had to draw her breasts in this much detail, did you? What? You had to put breasts
04:25on her? Well, what was I supposed to do, ask if she'd mind slipping them off for a few minutes?
04:31Hang them up in the clothes peg next to her handbag? You might have had the decency to rub
04:37them out. Rub them out? What's the point of a nude then? You tell me. No wonder you're late home,
04:47having to tear yourself away from this orgy of flesh. That's got nothing to do with it,
04:52it's just that after I gave her a lift home, I got lost in the one-way system. Gave who a lift home?
04:57The naked woman? Well... The naked woman? She wasn't naked when I gave her a lift.
05:04You've had a naked woman in the car? Not in the car, she wasn't naked. She didn't sit in
05:11the passenger seat? No, I strapped her to the roof rack. Tracked her to a few stairs at the
05:17traffic lights. I mean, she's not naked all the time, she does occasionally put on some clothes.
05:21She's naked by profession. Naked by profession? What the hell's that supposed to mean? She's a
05:26model. She happens to be an artist. She models for some of her friends, it's all perfectly logical.
05:32Know all about her now, do you? Well, yes, she's offered me a little part-time job.
05:41Oh, yes? Cleaning around our house once a week. She's divorced now, she's got her father staying
05:46with her, who happens to be a bit of a handful, so a few extra bob in the pocket, I thought
05:50would be a jolly... Well, you don't have any objection, surely, to goodness?
06:01Off to the fun fair with Mr. Watt, in our way? Say, would you be if you weren't skibbing for
06:06Lady Godiva all day? Don't forget to hold his hand in the ghost train. I'll bring
06:12you back a toffee apple. Fun fairs will all be off to kindergarten next.
06:23That's not bad, you know that? They ought to take up painting. Very good at flamingo, especially.
06:31That looks a treat, that. Yes, and what about the carpet at the stair landing, does that look at...
06:38Flamingo? What are you talking about, that's a bowl of fruit. Sorry? That's a bowl of fruit.
06:46What, in the middle of a flamingo colony? On top of the television set.
06:52Oh, I see now, it's a bowl of fruit on top of a television set, being eaten by a flamingo.
06:59There aren't any flamingos here, where'd you get the flamingos from? That's a still life I did before...
07:05Look, I don't have time to stand arguing with you, I've got a job to go to myself.
07:09I'm just going to have to leave you to it, I'm afraid. Right, no sweat there, I'll be fine, no problem.
07:15Yes, it's all go carpet laying, isn't it? Oh, you wouldn't chuckle. No, I wouldn't.
07:28It's a flamingo.
07:46Mad, completely mad.
07:58Excuse me, you don't need to do that, I'm doing this. What? I'm doing this, there's no need for you to do it.
08:15Thank you. I'm doing this, excuse me please. I've been paid to do it. What's he up to now?
08:24It's off. Father, father, it's off.
08:33I'm not entirely helpless, I'm still capable. Who is this anyway? That's Mr Meldrew,
08:39father, I'm paying him to clean up for us. He can sod off.
08:45Well, he can't help his looks, can he? No more than you can.
08:48You've never approved of this wig, have you? Father, it's completely immaterial to me what
08:54bizarre objects you go around balancing on your head all day. All I ask is that I be allowed to
09:00decide how...
09:10Quick, switch back on again or we'll get the better of you.
09:17Oh, quick, look out, don't let him get that cobweb.
09:25Now look what you've done. Have you got your contact lenses in today or not?
09:38Do you mind if I make a suggestion? Take the lenses out, put the saucers in, then we might get some.
09:44Don't you be so cheeky to me. I'm not so blind that I can't do simple tasks about the house.
09:51Oh, really? I suppose that hedgehog just leapt into the lawnmower for a haircut last night.
09:57I can see that I am not wanted in any respect whatsoever in this house. Oh,
10:02do stop being so truculent. I'm going out now,
10:05I'm going out of this house and I may not bother ever coming back again. Goodbye, Doreen.
10:14That's the downstairs toilet he's walked into. He's never got it right yet.
10:32So, I'll give you a ring, shall I? Some time or other? Yes, yes, right, thanks. There we go.
10:39I really enjoyed today. So did I. Yes, yes, so did I.
10:48All right then, Harold. See you soon, shall I? Bye. Bye. Bye.
11:09There we are then, Victor. That's lovely, you've been a great help.
11:17Um, listen, how are you fixed on Friday to do another little job for me?
11:23Um, Friday?
11:28I'm back.
11:31Harold, look, is he finished? Um, well, no, um, he hasn't exactly finished, no.
11:38Uh, why not? Where is he? He's upstairs. He's, um,
11:46asleep. Is this some sort of joke? I didn't like to wake him up.
11:53He might have turned nasty or anything.
12:07So,
12:26he's gone to bed now. What? He's gone to bed up there.
12:32What do you mean he's gone to bed? What do I mean? I mean he's creosoting a rhinoceros.
12:37What do you think I mean by the phrase he's gone to bed? He's gone to bed.
12:40He's lying up there in our bed fast asleep. I don't believe you.
13:01Right, do I lie? What are we going to do?
13:09Get hold of the yellow pages.
13:18What am I looking up? You're going to ask for smart lawyers and get me one quick.
13:23I'm about to commit first degree murder with a 6 foot long banana.
13:32Oh, my God, where am I? You're in your worst bloody nightmare, get out of my bed.
13:37Oh, sorry, I must have nodded off. Look at that, you didn't even take
13:40his shoes off. Oh, I felt a bit tired. I thought I must have been at home or
13:43something. I'm terribly, terribly sorry. It's all right. There's nothing to worry about.
13:48Nothing to worry about? Come back again and we'll read you a bedtime story.
13:52Get out of my house! No, get out!
13:59Why do they make these things to stay up anymore?
14:22You see, Mrs. Althorpe's got a man up her pole this morning.
14:46You can fix their telephone, why can't they come and fix ours?
14:50Where are they from?
14:52From Mr. Wharton, from his greenhouse, the one in front doorstep.
14:55What a nice little thought.
14:57Margaret, can't you see what this is all about, what's going on here?
14:59You don't want to be naive all your life.
15:01What?
15:03He just wants to show off, doesn't he?
15:05What a wonderful gardener he is, and I'm not.
15:09Bunches of prized parsnips in the doorstep next you see.
15:12Slices of champion tomato posted through the letterbox before you know where you are.
15:16Hello? Hello? Hello?
15:25Right, that's it.
15:27Where are you going?
15:29I'm going down to the phone box to try and get through to someone helpful at British Telecom.
15:32I'm sorry, I seem to be uttering the demented gibberings of a madman.
15:38I'm going anyway.
15:58They say they're going to try and send someone later today.
16:01They think it's a fault between here and the next junction box.
16:05There's only one engineer on today, so God alone knows what time you'll get here.
16:10I'm going out for the day.
16:12What?
16:13Well, you won't be here, will you?
16:15You'll be out again, won't you?
16:17At your girlfriend's.
16:18What?
16:19The one with the naked breasts.
16:21I don't think I've got any naked men to keep me company.
16:26No, fresh out, I'm afraid.
16:29I'm just going to have the day out.
16:31Harold's coming round at twelve.
16:34She only wanted someone to pose for her, Margaret.
16:37That's all it is.
16:38Something special she was working on, and she said she desperately needed a man's body.
16:47He's so independent.
16:49That's the real trouble.
16:51You just can't reason with him.
16:53Yes.
16:56This is Melira. I was just...
16:58Oh, um, Doreen.
17:00Yes, Doreen.
17:02A thought just occurred to me.
17:04This sketch for your painting of...
17:06The Crucifixion of St Peter.
17:08Yes.
17:10I was just wondering, what would happen if I just stand on the floor
17:14and you turn the painting upside down afterwards?
17:18It doesn't quite work like that, I'm afraid.
17:22The muscle tensions would be entirely different.
17:25Oh, yes. Just a thought.
17:30Where are you off to?
17:31Going upstairs to get my gas mask.
17:34What on earth for?
17:35Oh, sorry. I forgot.
17:37I thought you were bringing somebody in to exterminate me.
17:40I thought I was nothing but a household pest round here nowadays.
17:46I could have done this, you know.
17:48I could have done this standing on my head.
17:52I am not entirely decrepit.
17:55Yes, well, I don't think we'll risk it with your ventricles, shall we, Father?
17:59I'm going to get my gas mask.
18:05He's getting better.
18:20Harold, do you think you're ever too old to be unfaithful to someone?
18:25I beg your pardon, Margaret?
18:27I mean, at our age. Do you?
18:31Oh, dear. You're eating the shit like a jelly.
18:35You've been a great comfort to me lately, Harold,
18:38and I'm very, very grateful.
18:41This is just so...
18:44I shouldn't really bore you with all this, but...
18:48I was getting one of his jackets out this morning to send to the cleaners,
18:53and I found, in his inside pocket,
18:56what I can only describe as...
18:59an empty packet.
19:02My goodness. Is that...
19:04Yes.
19:05...one of those?
19:06Yes.
19:08Oh, Margaret.
19:12Margaret, I'm going to say something now.
19:15Shall we go inside?
19:17What?
19:18Victor won't be back for another couple of hours yet.
19:20Warm ourselves up, shall we?
19:22Hey, if you don't mind the bed being a bit of a squeeze, in it, you think?
19:37You're really sure you want to, you know?
19:41I'm sure I want to you know what?
19:42Oh, good. So am I, as well.
19:46Well, you just go in, Harold. I won't be a second.
19:52No!
20:00No!
20:22No!
20:53No!
21:13No!
21:16Oh, God!
21:22Oh, God!
21:25What the hell are you doing?
21:28Oh, my God, Mr. Mildrew!
21:32Harold, what are you doing? What ever are you doing?
21:36I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry.
21:38Oh, God, Margaret, please. Look, I...
21:40Oh, dear, what am I doing, Harold?
21:43What in the name of sanity is going on here, just sneakily?
21:46I mean, is there anyone else who wants to come and sleep in my bed at all?
21:49I mean, it's an open house here. We accept everyone.
21:51All races, colours, creeds, everyone wants to keep here eventually.
21:55Carpet layers, Boris, Yeltsin.
21:58Speak, speak!
21:59Victor Mildrew's Public Dust House Limited.
22:02Yes, we're taking bookings through to the end of April 92.
22:06How many pillars would you be requiring?
22:08I think you'd better go. I think you and I had better have a little talk sometime.
22:12No, I'm sorry, though we do have one last minute cancellation for this evening.
22:16Mahatma Gandhi's just leaving.
22:18That suits you at all.
22:20I'm sorry, Margaret. I'm so sorry.
22:28God, I seem to remember going through a midlife crisis when I was 30.
22:33That means I must be about to die any second.
22:39You have no idea what that was about, have you?
22:41No conception of any kind.
22:43What?
22:44Mr Orton, why do you suppose he got into that bed just then?
22:47What are you talking about?
22:48Well, he wasn't exhibiting prize parsnips, was he?
22:51Harold and I have been having an affair.
22:54And he never even told me.
22:57Harold Watt, you can't be serious.
23:00I wasn't. He was, evidently.
23:03And you're in no position...
23:05What's the matter with your back?
23:07I put it out.
23:08Oh, yes?
23:09It doreens.
23:11I should have known I wasn't up to it.
23:14I should never have let him talk me into it.
23:17In that position for two hours.
23:21I'm lucky I can still walk.
23:25You have absolutely no shame, have you?
23:29What?
23:30No shame of any kind.
23:32What are you talking about?
23:34I found it, Victor, in your pocket.
23:38The empty packet.
23:40Empty packet of what?
23:42Empty packet of nothing, because it was empty.
23:46What was in it before it was empty?
23:48Something.
23:49You know what was in it.
23:51I don't know.
23:52What is this, 20 questions?
23:54Is it animal, vegetable or mineral?
23:56I mean, would I use this in the garden?
23:58I've lost you.
24:00Just tell me what the hell is...
24:02Contraceptives.
24:03Do I have to spell it out?
24:08Oh, yes.
24:09That was disgusting, wasn't it?
24:11Disgusting.
24:12Do you know where I found it?
24:14Underneath the rhubarb.
24:16It bothers me how it gets there sometimes, doesn't it?
24:21Oh, really?
24:23That's where it came from, is it?
24:25Why else do you think it was in my pocket?
24:27Look, I've got to go upstairs and lie on some floorboards, Margaret.
24:30I've been posing like a simpleton for some stupid picture
24:33for two and a half hours in extreme agony.
24:35And if I don't lie down, my spine is going to wither and droop
24:38like that rubber banana.
24:39Can we talk in the morning, please?
25:02Take your dressing gown off.
25:05Phew!
25:07Have I got worse, Margaret?
25:09What?
25:10As I've got older, I suppose I must have done.
25:1335 years, something must have sapped me all my life.
25:17I mean, surely I wasn't like this when we got married.
25:20Hold still or I can't squirt it.
25:25I'm not going to stick with that job, I know that now.
25:28Going round there looking at her old man
25:30is too much like looking in a mirror.
25:33And now he stands it.
25:35Going through that every week.
25:37Goblin vacuum cleaners at 20 pieces.
25:41What are you on about?
25:43Let me just do the bottom bit.
25:45Ooh!
25:47I suppose this is what it's all about, really, isn't it?
25:50When it comes to it, marriage.
25:52Reaching 60 and spraying each other with Ralgex.
25:55LAUGHTER
26:00Here, you silly old fool.
26:14What the bloody hell do you think you're looking at?
26:17What, do you think this is an aquarium?
26:19What sort of time do you call this, anyway?
26:21Ten bloody days you were supposed to come and do this.
26:24Ten bloody days ago you were supposed to fix this thing.
26:27It's like a constipated gerbil.
26:29Every time you pick it up, you can't hear a bloody thing.