One Foot In The Grave S01 E06 - The Return of the Speckled Band
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00:00So, how's the food poisoning now?
00:06Comes and goes when it thinks it will, you know.
00:09One minute I'm fine and the next minute...
00:12Hmm.
00:14Violently sick.
00:16Hmm.
00:18Oh, this is nice. What is it?
00:20Well, I got the recipe from my... Oh! How was it?
00:23Yes, very nice. Very nice with my grey coat.
00:26Try it more at an angle.
00:28It's jammed on there like an aerosol cap.
00:31Put it more to one side.
00:34There. Makes you look more distinguished.
00:36Very smart. He looks like President Gorbachev.
00:41Yes, very nice. Thank you very much, Mrs. Warboys.
00:44It was my uncle Edwin's.
00:46They were going to bury him in it, but I said no.
00:49Why waste it on a corpse? Give it to Victor Meldrum.
00:54Yes, that was very thoughtful of you, Mrs. Warboys.
00:57You'll be able to wear that on holiday.
00:59Is it Saturday you fly out or Sunday?
01:01Saturday morning, yes.
01:03It'll be the first time he's flown since...
01:05Oh, I don't like to think, really.
01:07He doesn't go much on it, does he?
01:09Flying? Terrified. Terrified of the whole prospect.
01:12What was it he said last year?
01:15He'd rather have two weeks at a seaside guesthouse run by Pol Pot...
01:20..than go up in an aeroplane.
01:23Who's Pol Pot?
01:25Don't ask me. Not a very nice person, I don't imagine.
01:29Anyway, this year I put my foot down.
01:32It was this fortnight and very reasonable,
01:34and I said, why don't we just take the plunge?
01:37Athens, you say? Yes.
01:39You ever been there? I haven't been there myself.
01:42But I hear it's absolutely horrible.
01:47Oh, no, I mean, I haven't been there for myself.
01:50It's probably lovely.
01:52I hope so.
01:54I just read somewhere that it's one of the ten most unpleasant places on Earth
01:58you could go to for a holiday.
02:00Oh, goody, goody.
02:03For pollution and congestion and what have you.
02:06Oh.
02:08Filth.
02:10Squalor, litter in the streets.
02:13Could you pass the cake tin, please?
02:16Thanks.
02:18Oh, noise. They say the noise, the first thing.
02:21From the traffic and everything.
02:23I hope Victor wasn't planning on getting any sleep while he's over there.
02:27Well, we didn't think about it, you know.
02:29Oh, no, it'll be lovely, I'm sure.
02:32A nice break for you both.
02:34And about time as well, if you ask me.
02:39Raw sewage, that's another one.
02:42I'll just finish off at the hall, if you don't mind.
02:46Oh, I saved you this cutting from the Sunday supplement.
02:51Um, let's see. Oh, yes.
02:54Athens Airport is a particularly hazardous one
02:58due to slippery runway, poor markings,
03:01extremely bad air traffic control
03:04and a highly dangerous overrun.
03:08Give us something to read on the plane.
03:11They had a fortnight down and a mark already.
03:21Yeah.
03:25Mix into foam and spread evenly over the pile.
03:29Do not over-wet carpet.
03:31I've got it now.
03:33Pol Pot. Yes.
03:35Didn't he used to do the mini-marathon on It's a Knockout?
03:39What, the Phil Rouge?
03:41Canal Rouge, I think you'll find.
03:44PHONE RINGS
03:47Electricity. What?
03:49Can I read your meter, please?
03:51Oh, yes, stay there.
03:53No, I'm afraid I've got to read it, sir.
03:56You've had four estimates in a row.
03:58Don't tread all that muck inside, please.
04:01Do you mind just slipping your shoes off, please?
04:04Is that the girl from Oxfam?
04:06Electricity. Oh.
04:08Yes, sir, it's all been a bit of a rush, really, but as I see...
04:12What is it? Are you feeling sick?
04:17LAUGHTER
04:21You know, there's a headless teddy bear in here on an exercise bike.
04:25Yes, I do know that, I'm aware of that fact, thank you very much.
04:29It's a bit surreal, isn't it?
04:31Never mind surreal, just get on with your job.
04:34For goodness' sake.
04:37DOOR OPENS
04:44His head's hanging on the wall with a hook through his ear.
04:47I expect the social services will be around tomorrow to seize him for his own good.
04:52Now, look, if you're quite finished, Lloyd Grossman,
04:55I don't need a bloody conducted tour of my stair cupboard,
04:58just get in there and read that meter before I...
05:01PHONE RINGS Yes?
05:03Now, you sit still there and I'll be back in a second.
05:08Was that the girl from Oxfam? Did you give her the box?
05:11I did, yes.
05:14All right, are we all done?
05:18Are you all right?
05:20Bit queasy in the stomach, Mr Meldrew.
05:22Hmm. Have you tried Andrew's liver salts?
05:25It's very good, only you've got to drink it right back while it's still frothing.
05:30LAUGHTER
05:33LAUGHTER
05:40Margaret, will you bring her down the Andrews?
05:43We've still got some somewhere, I think.
05:45Where's my shoes? What?
05:47My shoes. Shoes?
05:49The things I was wearing on my feet when I came to your house.
05:54Oh, you didn't put them on top of that cardboard box.
05:57I might have done, why?
05:59Well, that was smart work, but that's just gone off to Oxfam.
06:03Are you winding me up?
06:05Why didn't you look where you were putting them?
06:07I didn't think I was putting them on the next plane to bloody Mozambique, did I?
06:12Whisked away to be airdropped to famine victims.
06:15How am I supposed to go out there now in that look, eh, with no shoes on?
06:20Slop up and down the gutter like Team Kelly?
06:22All right, all right. Better give you a pair of mine.
06:34LAUGHTER
06:38I suppose you'd better have these.
06:47What size of feet are they?
06:49Thirteen.
06:50Thirteen?
06:52These are only eight and a half.
06:54No wonder Oxfam took them away.
06:56Get a couple of foot-passers in those too.
06:59Parachutes to the laces.
07:01And look at the thickness of those socks.
07:03What on earth do you want to wear socks that thick for?
07:05There's no need for that, I know.
07:06Look, have you quite finished?
07:08I didn't come here to have the size of my feet ridiculed.
07:11Well, the thickness of my socks debated.
07:13All right.
07:14Oh, I wonder if I still get that pair of Uncle George's up in the attic.
07:17He'd feel like a yeti.
07:29LAUGHTER
07:34They don't exactly go with my trousers, do they?
07:37And I don't like all this thick ribbing round the outside.
07:40Have you got something in a dark grey taupe at all?
07:43What is this, bloody Freeman Hardy and Willis now?
07:46If you hang on, I'll get the team of 50 coppers I keep out of the potting shed
07:49to run you up a pair of hand-stitched out-sized moccasins.
07:52How about that?
07:53When can you come back for a second fitting?
07:56You're that strange bloke, aren't you?
07:58What?
07:59Mm, 37 Wingate.
08:01They warned me about you.
08:03Mutilated teddy bears in the stair cupboards.
08:06Didn't they say you were going to Athens for a holiday?
08:10Look, I don't get...
08:11Who told you I was going to Athens?
08:13What the hell's that supposed to mean?
08:15Yes, all right, I'll take these, but I tell you,
08:17if they start letting in water, I'm bringing them straight back.
08:20Phew!
08:28You ought to cheer up.
08:30This time next week we'll be in Athens.
08:33Yes.
08:35We'd picked some place with the same alphabet if we didn't start.
08:39Well, at least it's hot and a long way from London.
08:42Yes, so's a planet Mercury.
08:45There's a two-week package holiday there.
08:48Well, think of poor old Jean, then.
08:51In hospital tonight, having to have her stomach pumped.
08:56Her husband away for a week, that's all she needed.
08:59Yes, what was that? That came on a bit sudden, didn't it?
09:04I haven't found out at all.
09:06Mm, it's a complete mystery.
09:08Mrs Berringer told me
09:10she just happened to be in for one of her uterine ultrasonics
09:13when the doors suddenly flew open
09:15and in they came with her on a trolley.
09:21Who's Mrs Berringer?
09:23Oh, you don't know her. She comes in the florists.
09:28Are you still going down the garden centre tomorrow morning?
09:31Yes, I was thinking of it. Why?
09:34Well, I said if you were, you might give her husband a lift
09:37because their car's off the road
09:39and there's something important that he wants down there.
09:42It's cardigan crescent, so it's on your way.
09:44Yes, I suppose so, yes.
09:51He's not trouble, is he?
09:53Beep, beep, beep, mind your backs, please, ladies.
09:56The rhododendron express is just coming through.
09:58Aye, thank you.
10:00All good, please, Commander. Next stop, the Pest Department.
10:03All aboard, good morning, ladies. Have a nice day.
10:13Hello? Rover, I've told you not to ring me at work.
10:20Oh, no, I don't like the look of any of these.
10:23What are you looking for? Anything?
10:29Hell's bells and buckets of...
10:31Are you all right? What have you done to yourself?
10:34Here.
10:39You dropped that snap on his foot, poor sod, didn't you see?
10:42Were you? He can walk.
10:45Yes. How long have you been able to walk?
10:48Hmm, since I was about two years old, I think.
10:51I can't actually remember.
10:53I've been wheeling you about in this thing all morning.
10:56Yes, I thought that was a bit strange, if I'm honest with you.
10:59But, as I say, I don't really know you,
11:01so I thought, well, I won't say anything.
11:04He probably thinks he's doing a good turn.
11:06Doing a good turn?
11:08What were you doing sitting in it in the first place
11:11when I came to collect you in the back garden?
11:13Well, I was waiting for you. It's my wife's chair, she's disabled.
11:16I was just sitting in it, waiting till you turned up.
11:21Can I hit you up three flights of stairs from the car park?
11:25I don't know why you did that.
11:27But then, as I say, you don't like to interfere,
11:30and I don't want to go hurting your feelings.
11:32Hurting my feelings? What about hurting my bloody back?
11:35It nearly killed me!
11:37I'm going home now.
11:39I am going home where you can make your own way back.
11:42What in here is yours?
11:44The echinopsis.
11:53Well, at least they didn't have to keep you in long.
11:56How are you feeling now? Better?
11:58It's not too bad now.
12:00It was just the shock of it coming on suddenly again like that,
12:04just when we thought the worst of it was over.
12:07Oh, they've put me on to some different antibiotics this time.
12:11See how I got on with these.
12:13Are you sure you don't want me to ring Chris at the hotel?
12:17Oh, no, no, he'd only worry.
12:19No, the only thing the hospital reckoned was
12:23that the original bug that they thought had been killed off hadn't.
12:28You see, it was just lurking about in my system,
12:31waiting to strike again at any minute.
12:34Alien.
12:36What's this about?
12:38Victor got those out the shop.
12:40I don't really know. Who's in it?
12:42Ridley Scott's. Don't know him.
12:44Well, you like Mork and Mindy, don't you?
12:47Oh, yes. Star Trek, that sort of thing, yes.
12:51I'll watch that tonight.
12:54So, how is he now, anyway?
12:56I think it'll be a godsend, Jean, to be honest, in the end, this holiday,
13:00just to get away from everything.
13:02We've had so many disasters lately,
13:04there's times when you wonder what else there is that could possibly go wrong.
13:08Look, you can't just mislay a bloody seven-foot-long Indian python.
13:15How many times have I told you to put the top straight
13:18back on this tank whenever you've fed them?
13:20God, I don't know if that snake could be anywhere by now.
13:23And it probably is.
13:25Get looking.
13:31Right, what's next?
13:33Mulch. Take this out the front.
13:36Mulch, mulch, mulch, mulch, mulch, mulch, mulch.
13:40Mulch. Mulch.
13:43Ah, you're in. I wondered if you would be.
13:46It isn't Christmas, is it?
13:48Christmas I could be for you, though, sir, you know what I mean?
13:51It could be Christmas for you.
13:53We've got it back, man, you know.
13:55And I knew how you'd get upset if you didn't know where it was
13:58because you didn't know where it was.
14:00And we've got it back in your hat. It's safe and sound, hear you?
14:03Oh, you found it?
14:05Well, I found it just before it went into the crusher.
14:08I says, Jesus, there's a hat can in that crusher.
14:10I says, he'd be worried stiff looking for that
14:12because it's a brand-new hat and he'd be looking for it, you know what I mean?
14:15Yes, yes.
14:17Well, just as well you spotted it before it went into the crusher.
14:22Ah, but that's only part of the job, you know.
14:24It's only part of the job. You've got to be vigilant, vigilant, you know.
14:27You've got to have your wits about you, you know what I mean?
14:29Because it's a responsible job, you know.
14:31It's a real responsible job and you've got to look after your customers,
14:34you know what I mean?
14:36Oh, oh.
14:38Yes, hold on a second.
14:47Jesus.
14:53Right, thank you very much. Thank you, thank you.
14:56You sly old bugger, you.
14:59You're not telling me you're keeping snakes like that, are you?
15:03Yes, well, thank you very much for the, uh...
15:06When I saw that going up the stairs, I thought, the sly old bugger.
15:10What am I keeping in my cell, you know?
15:12Oh, aye, I've got seven, you know. I've got four tanks.
15:14Four tanks.
15:16I've got two upstairs and two downstairs.
15:18I've got three water snakes, two whip snakes,
15:20a boom slunger, a rear fang,
15:22and a, and a, listen to this,
15:24a rhombic night udder.
15:26I see.
15:28By the look of it, mind, it's a cunny little sample and all, I'll tell you.
15:31But if I was you, like, I would have put it back in the tank, you know.
15:34Should have put it back in the tank.
15:36Because they like to get out the hoosh, you know, the wanderer boot.
15:38They can hollow the place if you let them, you know what I mean?
15:41Aye, and you took all the newspapers as well.
15:48I'll tell you what else I've got.
15:50I've got a mate what's had an alligator
15:52and it's laid about, what, 20 eggs or something.
15:56Would you be interested, would you?
15:59Yes, well, fine.
16:01Thank you very much. See you again, yes.
16:03Thank you, goodbye.
16:13What was that he was saying?
16:15I haven't the faintest idea.
16:19Oh, God, I don't know what I'm doing any more.
16:22People are going through my dustbin
16:24and selling me back my own rubbish.
16:29I think I'll go out for a walk
16:31and see if the fresh air does any good.
16:41Better?
16:43Much better, thank you.
16:45Much better for throwing Mrs. Warboy's trophy
16:47into a builder's skip round the corner
16:49under a hundred weight of rubble.
16:51Now I want to see that blasted thing again.
16:58This time tomorrow I suppose we'll be up there,
17:01up in the air.
17:03I wish you'd be told it's as safe as crossing the road.
17:07This is the sort of what your feet are in top of.
17:10What?
17:12Nothing, absolutely nothing,
17:14nothing between you and the ground.
17:16What happens if there's turbulence?
17:18It'll be the Isle of Wight ferry all over again.
17:21I'll lie flat on my back
17:23on the lavatory floor for 75 minutes.
17:25Well, you won't be able to lie flat on your back
17:28on the floor of the lavatory this time, will you?
17:30Why not?
17:32Well, I'll have to lie flat on my back
17:34on the floor of the lavatory this time, will you?
17:36Why not?
17:38Because they don't make the lavatories on planes big enough
17:40for you to lie flat on your back on the floor in them.
17:42They only make them big enough to stand up in or sit down.
17:44They're not designed to lie flat out in.
17:46There's not many people that do it except you.
17:48Wonderful, isn't it?
17:50They serve you the most disgusting food in the world
17:52you'd think the least they could do
17:54is give you decent facilities to be sick in.
17:56If you ask them nicely,
17:58perhaps they'll let you stick your head out the window.
18:01What's for tea?
18:03I don't know.
18:05I think there's a ghost in this house.
18:07Why?
18:09Well, I left two kidneys on a saucer in the kitchen.
18:11I don't suppose you've had them, have you?
18:13What would I want to eat two raw kidneys for,
18:16for goodness sake?
18:18I mean...
18:20What's that?
18:22Have you seen this?
18:24Well, how can I have seen it? You've only just brought it in.
18:26This bit here, they put in a local each week.
18:28Your prayers are asked.
18:30Your prayers are asked for Great Uncle Dick,
18:32that his suffering may be eased.
18:34For Dennis and Deirdre on their recent tragic loss.
18:37For Auntie Jane, that a miracle cure may be found.
18:40And for Victor Meldrew,
18:42who's going on a fortnight's holiday to Athens.
18:44You're making that up.
18:46What?
18:48It's here, black and white.
18:50Here, look. You can see it.
18:52Look.
18:54Somebody's put this in for devilment.
18:56You know who this is?
18:58Nobby Godfrey.
19:00He's in the packing line at the Herald.
19:02He get a reduced rate.
19:04I'll reduce him next time I see him.
19:06Ow.
19:28What's the matter?
19:30My leg's gone to sleep.
19:32I can't feel anything in it.
19:34Can't feel anything at all.
19:36It's all cold and scaly.
19:40Go back to sleep.
19:48Must be cramp.
19:50He's lying in one position for too long.
20:04PHONE RINGS
20:24Victor?
20:26Are you up yet?
20:28It's half past nine. Victor?
20:30Oh, my God, no!
20:34Whatever is it?
20:36What's happened?
20:38Gloria Honeyford's on breakfast television.
20:42I thought you'd had a heart attack or something.
20:44Insect repellent, insect repellent.
20:46Where's that?
20:48Ah, here we are.
20:50Do you think that gets rid of Gloria Honeyford?
20:58No, she's still there.
21:00Right then.
21:02Well, I think that's about it.
21:04Have you taken your tranquiliser?
21:06I'm just about to take it.
21:08Oh, by the way,
21:10that man called round, you might have said he was coming that early.
21:12Yes, well, I thought...
21:14What man?
21:16Huh?
21:18Huh?
21:30What guy was this called round when?
21:32Said he was a friend of Rick's.
21:34That dustman you were talking to.
21:36And he brought the eggs
21:38as you arranged yesterday.
21:42I said I didn't know anything about it.
21:44Still, it was nice of him, I suppose.
21:48He didn't seem to want
21:50any money for them.
21:52He seemed in a bit of a rush, to be honest.
21:54Perhaps he keeps chickens.
21:56Do you want a cooked breakfast
21:58today, or just porridge?
22:00Uh, porridge would be
22:02safer today, I think, what with everything.
22:04What's this written on the side?
22:06What?
22:08Alligator.
22:10Yes, he said something about alligator eggs.
22:12It's the firm, evidently.
22:14You don't want any, I take it?
22:16I'm afraid.
22:18Seems a shame to waste them, though.
22:20I mean, we're not going to be here.
22:22I thought perhaps Mrs. Warboy
22:24would like some of this.
22:28So?
22:30Is she ready to eat again, is she?
22:32Yes, she's all right, so long as it's
22:34something simple and bland.
22:38So long as it's nothing that might upset her.
22:42Do you want to pop these round
22:44a bit?
22:48Yes, all right.
22:52Well, I'm sorry about that. I really am.
22:54I got about
22:56halfway through, and that was as much as I could
22:58stomach, I'm afraid.
23:00Well, you know what it's like. The man in the shop said it was just good,
23:02harmless family entertainment.
23:04Harmless?
23:06When that man in the spacesuit
23:08got that thing all...
23:10Oh!
23:12It was two and a half hours
23:14before I could leave the bathroom.
23:16Dear, oh, dear.
23:18Anyway, what time do you have to be
23:20at the airport? Oh, we've got another two hours.
23:22We should be fine. Oh, I'll tell Margaret.
23:24Thanks very much, and have a nice holiday.
23:26Won't you? Both of you?
23:28And go easy on the
23:30ouzo. Yes, we will.
23:32Thank you very much. We'll see you when we get back.
23:34Send me a postcard.
23:42LAUGHTER
24:00How was she?
24:02Fine, yes. Seems to be more her old self again.
24:04Oh, good. That parcel came for you
24:06while you were out.
24:08Oh.
24:10Sent locally.
24:12Ah, you know what this'll be.
24:14You sent it back after all.
24:16What? The electricity man.
24:18He sent back Alcatraz's shoes.
24:20LAUGHTER
24:22No, I don't believe it.
24:28Kindly refrain from dropping your cast-off
24:30hats in other people's building skips.
24:32A skip such as this
24:34costs us £25 a day
24:36and is not outside our house as a general
24:38rubbish receptacle for the use of all
24:40and sundry in discarding items of
24:42unwanted headgear.
24:44How am I
24:46supposed to get rid of this bloody thing?
24:48Suppose I went out into the garden
24:50now and buried it. Someone come up to us
24:52at the Acropolis and say, is this your hat?
24:54LAUGHTER
24:56How do they know where to send it anyway?
24:58God! What have you
25:00got in here?
25:02It weighs a tonne.
25:04Talk to me about
25:06taking too much.
25:08The taxi
25:10will be here in 20 minutes, so you'd better
25:12look sharp.
25:14Did you take
25:16your tranquiliser?
25:18I said, did you
25:20take your tranquiliser?
25:22LAUGHTER
25:24It's a good thing we're going.
25:26Did you see this?
25:28That garden centre you went to,
25:30they've lost a snake.
25:32It escaped Thursday morning.
25:34Don't, Margaret, please. It makes me squirm
25:36just to think about it.
25:38A five-year-old Indian python.
25:40It was over seven foot long
25:42with olive green... Margaret, you know what that
25:44sort of thing does to me? Can we not dwell on it, please?
25:46Go down.
25:48I bet I never packed
25:50that book I bought to read in the plane.
25:52Oh, yes, I did.
25:54LAUGHTER
25:56You'll get stuck into that
25:58and in a few hours we'll be there.
26:00You'll see, safe and sound.
26:02Yes, I suppose I am worrying about all this,
26:04Aunt Julia, as usual. When you actually get to it,
26:06things often aren't as bad as you expect, are they?
26:08You're quite right, Margaret.
26:10I think I'm going to be all right
26:12in this plane trip, after all.