One Foot In The Grave S02 E08 - The Man In The Long Black Coat
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Short filmTranscript
00:00There's a rat walking up his garden path now.
00:07I could stuff a mattress with your pubic hair.
00:16What do you do? Pull it out with tweezers?
00:20He's stopped by the clothes prop now. He's turning round and walking back down again, bloody things.
00:26Just the same when I make a bed. It's like sleeping with a molting porcupine.
00:33Do you have to stand on top of the lavatory like Nelson's column?
00:37Why don't you use the toilet roll as a telescope and be done with it?
00:40And how do you know it's a he? Your eyesight isn't that good, I know.
00:44Hang on, he's coming out again. He's brought the shears with him to trim the honeysuckle.
00:48If he so much as snips one of my sweet peas off over that fence, I've got him.
00:53Oh, mighty. Seven months of this, I put up with.
00:58What happened, happened.
01:01Why can't the two of you just let it rest instead of behaving as though you're both at infant school?
01:05I am not behaving as if I'm at infant school.
01:11In any case, he started it.
01:15When your next door neighbour mows down a hundred of your garden gnomes in cold blood with a machine gun, it's not something you quickly forget.
01:22Oh my gosh, they're a couple of feuding cowboys.
01:25I've seen you trying to train Mrs Lacey's cat to be sick on rockery.
01:30Who did?
01:32Demonstrating how to stick a paw down its throat.
01:36I've never known anyone be so petty.
01:39I was not. In any case, which of us keeps leaving those little yellow post-it notes in the back gate every five minutes?
01:45If we're talking about petty, what about these?
01:49Lawnmower too loud.
01:52Creosote splash found on lupins.
01:56For Christ's sake, put some oil in that wheelbarrow.
02:00I don't believe you've actually stuck those in a book.
02:03And don't forget this.
02:05Laying a clip wire so I'd fall flat on my face in his wet cement.
02:09Oh, for God's sake.
02:11I heard him laughing at me through the letterbox, laughing and whispering, got you, you bastard, under his dresser.
02:19Trip wire.
02:21That's where he lined the edge of his path with twine.
02:25Talk about paranoid.
02:28And anyway, it serves you right for trying to take a shortcut across his grass.
02:32If you'd been looking where you were going instead of walking about with your nose stuck in that video magazine...
02:38He's lighting a bonfire.
02:40Quick, put some washing out, then I can leave him a blanket.
02:50Oh, there's a letter for them here. Somebody got the wrong number, evidently.
02:56Get that back here.
02:58For God's sake, Victor.
03:01I've had about enough of this. I have, straight.
03:04You can take this round to him.
03:06It'll give you a chance to apologise to each other and bury the blasted hatchet, the pair of you.
03:11Otherwise, I'm leaving home, and I mean it.
03:14I'm not tracing around there like some private message boy.
03:17If he wants his meal, he can come and get it.
03:30There you are. You wanted evidence?
03:32There it is. One diseased marigold stalk covered in blackfly.
03:35Oh, Patrick!
03:37Smack in the middle of the floribundo, I found that.
03:39You're not going to tell me it floated there.
03:42You always have to think the worst of people.
03:45I don't think it's any coincidence, do you,
03:47that these things have only started raining down on our garden since last Monday,
03:50after the World in Action special on biological warfare?
03:54And look at the mess he quite willfully made of our front path
03:57after I spent three hours getting the bloody thing level.
04:00Are you OK?
04:02Has it come yet?
04:04Just more bills.
04:06It's academic, anyway, as far as I'm concerned.
04:09Do you have to keep writing those things?
04:11The man is a cretin, dear, of the highest order.
04:14I knew it the first time we went round to see him.
04:16He made us a cup of tea and then virtually tried to force us at knife point to get into his bed.
04:20What planet are you from?
04:40Yes?
04:42Oh, er...
04:44It's that I came through our door, but I, er...
04:47Oh, right.
04:52I, er...
04:54Yes, Mr Mulder?
04:58You're going to fill this in, then, are you?
05:00No, I thought about leaving it there, like Hollywood boulevard.
05:03The impressions of glittering neighbours' faces in the concrete.
05:06The impressions of glittering neighbours' faces in the concrete, you mean?
05:10Oh, well...
05:12It's nice to find you being so reasonable about it all, I must say.
05:16Reasonable, Mr Mulder?
05:18I mean, what is reasonable these days?
05:20To find outside one's house, I don't know, a pile of horse manure covered in fairy lights?
05:25What's that supposed to mean?
05:29I think, by anyone's standards, it's not exactly Sleeping Beauty's castle, is it?
05:33How long has it been there now? 40 days and 40 nights?
05:36Three days and three nights, since you ask.
05:39Funny, it felt longer.
05:41And at least it's very clearly signposted, so people don't go accidentally sprawling headfirst into it.
05:47Oh, is that what they're there for?
05:49I thought it was some sort of jubilee celebration for the fertiliser industry.
05:53I don't understand either.
05:56Next time, you can pick up your own mail.
05:58And another thing.
05:59If I find one more of those bloody stupid little yellow notes,
06:03I may not be responsible for my actions.
06:09Nice chatting with you, Mr Mulder.
06:20Crap!
06:22Crap!
06:27The state of British television today can be summed up in two words.
06:30Jeremy Beadle.
06:33Oh, I'm ready for that ham and mushroom now.
06:36My belief is that Paul Daniels and Jeremy Beadle are in fact the same person.
06:41Like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
06:43You know, did you know that I should see them together?
06:46Which one's Mr Hyde?
06:47Which one do you think?
06:50Just imagine the horror of it if they lost the antidote
06:53they'd have to send in the mob with burning torches.
06:56What the hell's this when it's at home?
07:00Sorry?
07:01Dressing!
07:02It's more like an environmental disaster.
07:06It never ceases to amaze me the things that people want to watch these days.
07:10When was it?
07:12Wednesday in the week.
07:14I'd rather see that film about the Kray brothers kill a couple of ours.
07:18Good, was it?
07:19Yes, very good.
07:20If you enjoy seeing people's hands being secured to the corner pocket of a billiard table.
07:24Very good in the area of people's eyes being gouged out.
07:29There I am sitting squirming in my seat as this young bimbo behind me cackling her head off.
07:35Why didn't you just leave the cinema?
07:37Leave the cinema?
07:39I was sitting here watching it on the video.
07:42She said her name was Cheryl.
07:43She'd just called back for the cosmetics catalogue.
07:46Let herself in through the back door if you please and had been watching it over my shoulder.
07:51Then she'd a nerve to ask me to spool back to the bit where the bloke has his mouth sliced open with a sword.
07:57Said that was one of her favourite bits.
07:59And that's the mentality of the people who are trying to sell you pork cleansing fluid.
08:05What's that you're eating?
08:07Sorry?
08:09Since when do I have this monstrosity?
08:14Sardines and hot chillies with added pineapple.
08:24Oh, sorry.
08:32God, it's like watching one of those crushers on the back of a dust cart.
08:38Talking of Jeremy Beagle, I had three more complaints about that horse manure when I was out today.
08:46Talk about getting up a petition about it in the post office.
08:49It's only a pile of horse manure. It's not going to bite anyone.
08:53Said if it's there much longer, they'll have to start putting it on the Ordnance Survey maps.
08:59No wonder you upset the neighbours.
09:02I don't understand why it had to come here in the first place.
09:06Why couldn't he deliver it to the allotment? It's only round the corner.
09:09They don't speak very good English, unfortunately.
09:12It only really mastered four words.
09:14Horse manure and twenty quid.
09:19A bit more East European than anything else.
09:22I didn't like the look of them, walking around dressed like Abraham Lincoln in gumboots.
09:28You buy horse manure from any old Tom, Dick or Harry, you don't know where it's been.
09:37You don't know where it's been, you know exactly where it's been.
09:41Upper horse.
09:44Anyway, I'm taking it around to the allotment tomorrow afternoon as soon as I get back from the doctor,
09:48so the nation can sleep easy in their beds again.
09:51Well, before you do, you'd better take Patrick's advice and oil the squeakle nut for you, Barrow.
09:56Yes.
09:57Well, never need to worry about a squeaky salad, that's for sure.
10:07No, no, no, no.
10:10Watson, Kettle, Catholic and Partners, can I help you?
10:13Is it an emergency?
10:15Mrs. Wormis to Dr. Kneeburg. Mrs. Wormis?
10:19Friday at 10.20? Right, thank you. Bye.
10:23One second, please. Watson, Kettle, Catholic and Partners, can I help you?
10:27I'm afraid he died last week in his sleep.
10:30You did write to everyone. Is it an emergency?
10:33Oh, dear. Oh, well, if it's hanging off, I think you'd best go up to Catholic and be on the safe side.
10:39Kevin Spivey for Dr. Satopansky. Kevin Spivey, yes, right. You're welcome. Bye.
10:46Sorry, sir. Watson, Kettle, Catholic and Partners, can I help you?
10:50Mr. Scotty to the treatment room. Mr. Scotty?
10:53Mrs. Patterson for Dr. Yip. Mrs. Patterson, right.
10:57Aha. Is it an emergency?
11:01Tomorrow at four? OK, lovely. Bye.
11:05Excuse me, please. Yes, sir, you're Mr...?
11:08No, Drew, I just got to...
11:10Watson, Kettle, Catholic and Partners, can I help you?
11:13I'm afraid Dr. Kettle, Catholic's on holiday this week.
11:16Is it an emergency?
11:18I've got a cancellation for Dr. Pondicherry at five.
11:22Yes, you do. The one that looks like Doberman in Sergeant Bill's clothes.
11:27All right, if you'd rather, then. Bye.
11:30Look, I've just come to pick up a prescription.
11:32Victor Nell, Drew, from Dr. Snellgrove.
11:34Mr. Chandrasekhar to Dr. Trilling. Mr. Chandrasekhar?
11:38And Sharon Chumley to the treatment room. Sharon Chumley.
11:42Dr. Snellgrove had to go to a wedding.
11:44I think we were passing most of her patients to Dr. Watson.
11:47Where's he gone? To look for the Heimler-Baskervilles?
11:50Or Dr. Doolittle instead of Dr. Joseph Goebbels?
11:53Goebbels.
11:54Oh, yes, I've got him over here.
11:55But I don't think he's actually done your prescription yet.
11:57I'll just check for you.
11:59Nadine, did that prescription come through at all?
12:03For Mr. Meldrew's haemorrhoids?
12:06She's just checking for you, sir.
12:08I've got to see if I can help you.
12:14Yes, he's standing right next to me, as a matter of fact.
12:17Somebody ask him when you're going to shift a pile of manure.
12:21Is it an emergency?
12:44Morning, Mrs. Meldrew.
12:48Meldrew.
12:49Is it me, or is it moist?
12:54Oh, it is a bit on the humid side today.
12:57Did you have a nice weekend?
12:59Lovely, thank you.
13:00Where did you go to in the end?
13:01To hospital.
13:03Yes, I'm afraid Granny took a turn for the worse,
13:05so I had to run Mother up there on a sudden mercy dash,
13:08which was a little fraught.
13:10Her wheelchair accidentally locked into high-speed reverse,
13:13and she went on a bit of a mystery tour of the Clemenately wing.
13:16It took us an hour and a half to find her again,
13:18and of course by then she'd already gate-crashed three hysterectomies,
13:21so it was a bit of a day all in all.
13:24So how is your grandmother now?
13:26Not giving any cause for concern or anything?
13:29Oh, no, no, no.
13:31Not now, she's dead.
13:34Well, she was 93,
13:35and they reckon it was a broken bone that finally did it.
13:39Oh, dear.
13:40Didn't know you could die of a broken bone.
13:43Well, you can when it's stuck in your windpipe, apparently.
13:46That was a great one for gnawing on chicken carcasses,
13:49and just one of those things, I suppose.
13:52Funeral's tomorrow.
13:53Don't think Mother's looking forward to it very much.
13:55Hiya, Mother.
13:56Mrs Meldrew said she was very sorry to hear the tragic news.
14:01How's Mr Meldrew?
14:03Getting on all right with his new allotment?
14:05Funnily enough, I always think about it when I pass his horse manure in the mornings.
14:09Oh, yes.
14:10Yes, he seems to be getting quite into it now.
14:13I've given him a bit of interest in life at last.
14:17I'm sorry, Mrs Swainey, you'll have to excuse me,
14:19only I've got some potatoes on, and...
14:21Oh, no, don't let them spoil.
14:22I'm very sorry about your grandmother, and...
14:26and I must dash.
14:27See you, Mrs Meldrew.
14:31You mean timber too?
14:33Don't.
14:34And I had a bloody quarter I had away in that bloody place
14:37by a simple repeat prescription.
14:39I haven't had a chance to get to the chemists.
14:41You could get it for me when you're out.
14:42But don't move that manure this afternoon.
14:44It'll be lynching me from a lamppost.
14:46Wonderful, isn't it?
14:47The health service has overstretched to breaking point.
14:50Three million unemployed.
14:51You'd think people would find better things to moan about.
14:55Something's burning in here.
15:11BELLS RINGING
15:41BELLS RINGING
16:00Afternoon.
16:02Mr Meldrew, is it?
16:04Yes.
16:05I won't shake hands.
16:07Dr Mervyn Myall.
16:09I believe you were expecting me.
16:11Sorry?
16:12I just need to carry out a couple of tests, Mr Meldrew.
16:15You won't take a jiffy.
16:19What?
16:20In the middle of an allotment?
16:22You've got a couple of tics, have you?
16:25I haven't.
16:26Look, they found my prescription in the end.
16:28It's part of a copy of Smash Hits on the waiting room table.
16:32No, no, Mr Meldrew.
16:33I'm not that sort of doctor.
16:35I'm from the Borough Council.
16:37I'm from the Health and Public Safety Department.
16:40I thought my office had already contacted you.
16:42Don't what?
16:44Nothing you need concern yourself about, Mr Meldrew.
16:47Nothing at all.
16:49Now then, this is the money you're here, is it?
16:57What are you doing?
16:59You bought this from a gentleman last week, I gather.
17:02Black beard, long black coat, bit of a foreign accent.
17:05Yes, what about it? What's the problem?
17:09For goodness sake, tell me.
17:11What's wrong with my horseman, you are?
17:14Don't be silly, Margaret.
17:16I was just doing a stock take on my vitamins.
17:18Patrick's have bought them.
17:20So, er, no, it's very convenient.
17:24I just, er, thought I ought to make amends.
17:27Well, you don't have to.
17:29Mine's as bad.
17:31They deserve each other.
17:33I think two fully grown men would be more tolerant, more forgiving.
17:37Would you?
17:39No, I suppose you wouldn't really.
17:44You swear by all this, do you?
17:47Oh, that's Patrick's ginseng.
17:49He takes it to reverse the ageing process.
17:52Does it work?
17:54Well, in that he's acting like a five-year-old.
17:57Of course, he's always had a childish side to his nature.
18:01He said when he was a child, oddly enough.
18:04I don't know what to do about him and Victor.
18:07I mean, it's one thing to call someone a tosspot to their face,
18:11but when you go to the lengths of having it iced on the front of a Thornton's Easter egg,
18:16well, I think it's got beyond a joke.
18:21I mean, he did put a card in the post as well.
18:24No name or address on the envelope,
18:26just the words, to that cretin and the cat.
18:30I suppose it helped him to let off steam at the time.
18:33Yes.
18:34The irony is, we received it.
18:38About the quickest a letter's ever got to us, I think.
18:41There we are. Get that down your neck.
18:43Soothe away all your troubles.
18:45Oh?
18:46Chamomile, tilia, lemongrass and jasmine.
18:50Mind, it's a bit hot.
18:52I wonder if Victor could do with any of this to supplement his diet.
18:55What sort of things does he eat?
18:57Anything.
18:58Of any sort or description.
19:00In the most hideous and disgusting combinations.
19:04Food you wouldn't put in the same cupboard he would happily slice up together on his Weetabix.
19:09It's like watching non-stop junk mail going through a letterbox.
19:13I think he lost all sense of taste years ago.
19:16Stomach like a bin liner.
19:19This is nice. You get this at the health food shop.
19:21Two spoonfuls to calm you down, three and you sleep like a top.
19:25Oh, God, you're well stocked up.
19:27Well, need all the vitamins I can get from now on, I'm afraid.
19:31What is that?
19:34Fibber?
19:35Iron, zinc, magnesium.
19:37Patrick's got this vision of the doctor coming out saying,
19:40Congratulations, it's metal Mickey.
19:44You must be thrilled. Congratulations.
19:48Well, I'm not sure thrilled is the word.
19:51Wasn't exactly planned.
19:53I know I'm supposed to be all glowing and maternal.
19:56But when you look round at the state of things,
19:59I don't think life is something I'd wish on my worst enemy.
20:04And you never know what you're bringing into the world.
20:06I mean, look at the people who started out as babies.
20:11Hitler.
20:13Dr. Crippling.
20:15Oh, you wait till it's born. It'll be a treasure.
20:19You just wonder these days what kind of a start that is in life,
20:22to be the child of a bus driver.
20:24I did think about packing it in.
20:27But then Patrick said he could always work more from home
20:30and look after it for me, the way his business has been going lately.
20:34You've just got your postnatal depression a bit early.
20:37It'll be the most wonderful thing that could ever happen.
20:40You won't want to stop.
20:42Well, we'll see, I suppose.
20:44Have some more tea.
20:50No, no, no, no.
20:53Nothing to worry about here, Mr. Mildew.
20:56You can rest assured of that.
20:58Will you stop telling me I have nothing to worry about?
21:00You're making me extremely worried.
21:02What's all this about?
21:04There's no danger of gamma rays or anything like that.
21:07You can put your mind at rest on that one.
21:09Gamma rays?
21:11It makes you wonder how these cowboys get hold of the ruddy stuff
21:14in the first place, doesn't it?
21:16I don't know.
21:17I don't know.
21:18Of course, the stables have all been closed down now,
21:21just for the time being.
21:23They're not certain the contamination levels were significant,
21:26but you can't be too careful when you're sitting right next door
21:28to a nuclear reactor plant, can you?
21:30This is just by way of being precautionary, really.
21:33Nuclear reactor plant?
21:35What contamination levels?
21:37Contamination levels of what?
21:39Bio-rites.
21:40All of this manure should have been seized by the Minister of Agriculture.
21:44Not driven halfway across the country so any idiot could just buy the...
21:49What is it?
21:50Look at that.
21:51Where the hell did that come from?
21:53Looks like a piece of fairy light off a Christmas tree.
21:57What are you trying to tell me?
21:59Is it dangerous?
22:01Oh, no, no, no.
22:03You're talking a mere 4.3 micro microcuries.
22:07Have I?
22:08Oh, yes.
22:09Well below permitted levels.
22:10Well below permitted levels.
22:12Although still more than normal.
22:14But, as I say,
22:16there's nothing you should concern yourself about here, Mr. Meldrew.
22:21Have a Mars bar.
22:25A Mars bar?
22:26What kind of advice is that?
22:28I'm standing here with a lot being covered in radioactive horseshit
22:32and all you can say is have a Mars bar?
22:37What am I supposed to do now, for God's sake?
22:40Well, if I were you, I'd just forget all about it.
22:42Oh, would you?
22:43Yeah.
22:44I mean, it really isn't at all significant.
22:46It's just it's our duty to check up on these things, that's all.
22:52I'm absolutely positive it's safe.
22:55The radiation levels are absolutely minuscule, Mr. Meldrew.
22:59Look, you see this digital watch?
23:02Yes.
23:04I can get you one of these at half price if you're interested.
23:07Oh, by the way, I've got a mate bringing some in from the continent at cost.
23:10There's a ladies' model too if your wife fancies one.
23:12Look, think about it and give me a ring, all right?
23:14Well, bye then, Mr. Meldrew.
23:18Oh, for God's sake, stop worrying.
23:20You'll end up a complete nervous wreck.
23:23That's right.
23:25Stop worrying.
23:28I'm never going to buy anything from anyone who comes to the door ever again.
23:32You said that would happen, didn't you?
23:34What?
23:35If you cut your nails on a Sunday.
23:38Oh, yes.
23:39I distinctly remember you saying,
23:40watch out, someone's going to palm you off with a hundred of radioactive horse droppings
23:44from a sizeable bee-riding academy.
23:46I mean, it happens every day.
23:48You said you'd have bad luck.
23:51When do I have good luck?
23:52Anyway, you said there was nothing to worry about, so what are you worried about?
23:56What am I worried about?
23:57That the hairs are going to fall out of my gooseberries.
24:01You don't know what it can lead to, do you?
24:03He already fought in three wheelbarrow pools when he arrived.
24:07I just don't know why everything you do has to end up as a three-eyed bloody...
24:15What the bloody hell's this?
24:18That is my hairstyling mousse when you've quite finished.
24:24It'll be more clearly marked.
24:26You'll be more clearly marked in a minute.
24:34Oh, dear.
24:42It was having a baby.
24:44It was.
24:46Why is that so strange?
24:48Well, I didn't think she had room for one.
24:54What's that supposed to mean?
24:56Well, I mean, don't they use a spare bedroom as an office?
25:00She admitted it wasn't exactly planned.
25:03Seemed a bit down in the dumps about it at the moment.
25:06I'm sure that'll pass.
25:08Must be a bit of a worry when you stop to think about it.
25:11What you might be unleashing on the world.
25:14Could grow up into anything.
25:15Could be one of the Kray brothers.
25:17Or Jeremy Beadle.
25:23One more noise to worry about on a Sunday, I suppose.
25:26I suppose so.
25:27Who is you?
25:29That's me.
25:31You were an accident.
25:33Yes, I expect so.
25:35I've brought you a glass of water up.
25:37Right, thanks.
25:43What did you say?
25:45Why?
25:47You said I was an accident.
25:49Oh, what about it?
25:51Who told you that?
25:52Your father told me at our wedding reception.
25:54He said you were a complete and total mistake.
25:57The result of a careless oversight on their first night in Skegness.
26:03No one's said anything to me about that before.
26:06It's not the sort of thing you tell a child, is it?
26:09Only once you're born, you're born.
26:11Did you say I wasn't planned in any way?
26:13No.
26:14Apparently you were a complete and total surprise.
26:16Your mum was hoping for a new gas cooker.
26:21Like everything else in life, I suppose you make do in the end.
26:25I suppose, yes.
26:28Oh, I can't remember whether I locked the back door.
26:30Will you check?
26:33Yes, right.
26:55Victor?
26:58You haven't been...
27:00Oh, God!
27:04No!
27:07Right, I know.
27:09Thank you very much, Mrs. Neldrum.
27:11I'm...
27:13I see you, Patrick.
27:15Yes, I expect you will.
27:24Well...
27:26The saga continues.
27:28At least it's nice to know there's never a dull moment living next door to those two.
27:31Are you on the moan again?
27:33Still looking on the positive side, that's that mystery cleared up.
27:35What is?
27:37The mystery of my missing ginseng capsules, remember?
27:39I was hunting high and low for them last night.
27:41Where were they?
27:43Oh, Mr. Meldrum had been sticking them up his bottom.
27:48I can take your part.
27:50Yes.
27:51Apparently.
27:53I looked in most places.
27:55I think it's fair to say I didn't dream of looking there.
27:57What are you talking about?
27:59I don't know why I'm so surprised, really.
28:01I mean, the man seemed capable of virtually anything.
28:03But how did he get hold of them?
28:06Well, having got hold of them is something I'd rather not contemplate, thank you.
28:09Came to summon the forefinger, presumably.
28:11Beyond that, the whole image is too horrific to even think about.
28:14Margaret was fiddling about with them on this table.
28:16They must have fallen in her bag.
28:18That's right.
28:19She went to the chemist to pick up a prescription.
28:21So he must have put...
28:23Oh, dear.
28:25I mean, what are we supposed to do?
28:27Put a statutory notice on the side of every bottle of vitamin pills?
28:29Caution, this product should not be shoved up Victor Meldrum's rectum?
28:33You're not throwing the rest away?
28:35Somehow they've lost their appeal.
28:37I can't imagine why.
28:39I'll have a word with her.
28:41I was going round there anyway.
28:43Unbelievable.
28:45Unbelievable.
28:50Hello.
28:52Pippa, hello.
28:54I'm sorry.
28:56I'm afraid that didn't improve matters much, did it?
28:59Oh, don't worry about it.
29:01You just off?
29:03In a minute or two.
29:05Got to earn a few more pennies.
29:07What's that?
29:09Well, I was down there first thing,
29:11remembering how much you liked it, so...
29:13Oh, Pippa, thanks so much.
29:15How much later?
29:16Don't be daft.
29:18Remember, it's very relaxing last thing at night.
29:20Very good if you suffer with a lot of tossing and turning in your sleep.
29:23Victor does the tossing and turning.
29:25I suffer.
29:27Like a whirling dervish,
29:29the way he wraps those sheets round himself.
29:31I'm lying there freezing to death
29:33and next to me there's this Egyptian mummy
29:35snoring his head off.
29:37Human corkscrew.
29:39Anyway, we'll certainly give it a try.
29:41How are you feeling today?
29:43Any better?
29:44Mood comes and goes, you know.
29:46Got to look lively myself.
29:48See you later probably.
29:50OK, thanks a lot, Pippa.
29:52Bye.
29:57PHONE RINGS
30:05Oh, Mr Sweeney.
30:07Morning, Mrs Mulder.
30:09Come in.
30:11How did it go?
30:12A bit peaky.
30:14Enough to be wondered at, I suppose.
30:16Were there many there?
30:18Not really.
30:20Six of us counting the corpse.
30:22I wanted to thank you for the flowers.
30:24We were both deeply touched.
30:26Mother especially.
30:28How is she?
30:30Well, she spent most of the service crying and blowing her nose.
30:32It was a bit like hearing a bide with me being played on the tuba.
30:34And of course she started getting her prickly heat.
30:36So I've just whilled her back indoors,
30:38given her a chance to cool down a bit.
30:40Would you like a cup of tea?
30:42Oh, no, thanks.
30:44I've got to get back to work.
30:46Oh, that's wonderful.
30:48Supposed to be very soothing.
30:50I won't, thanks.
30:52I've got Auntie Min on the back seat
30:54and she'll be itching to get back to her slug gun.
30:56All right.
30:58I'm going to miss my bus.
31:00Are you going to the shop?
31:02I can drop you there.
31:04I'm going right past.
31:06Are you sure?
31:08That would save my life.
31:10I won't be tickled.
31:13Morning, Mr. Mulder.
31:15Morning, how are you?
31:17Are you all right?
31:19Just the worry of mother, I suppose.
31:21Always knocks you for six, doesn't it?
31:23Death in the family.
31:25Who?
31:29I don't know about this.
31:31When did this happen?
31:33Sorry?
31:35When did she die?
31:37Oh, on Sunday, half past six, at the hospital.
31:39I didn't know she'd been taken.
31:41I didn't know she'd been taken up there.
31:43Who?
31:45Your mother.
31:47Oh, yeah, yeah.
31:49Took her up in the afternoon.
31:51No sooner got her up there than we lost her.
31:53Didn't Mrs. Mulder tell you?
31:55She didn't say anything, no.
31:57It's all been a pretty gruelling experience.
31:59I've just got back with her from the crematorium, actually.
32:04Really?
32:07I was telling Mrs. Mulder
32:08she's still a bit on the hot side, unfortunately.
32:13Is she, yes?
32:15Yes.
32:17Take a while to cool down, I expect.
32:19I expect, yes.
32:23I said I'd give your wife a lift in.
32:25It's on my way.
32:27You couldn't do me a favour while I'm gone
32:29and keep an eye on mother for me?
32:31Only, it's just the thought of leaving her on her own.
32:33Do you know what I mean, if you don't mind?
32:35No.
32:37No.
32:39No, wait.
32:41Well, come in, Mrs. Mulder.
32:43We'll see you later, then, and thanks very much.
32:45I appreciate it.
32:47Bye, then.
33:04Oh!
33:19Oh!
33:21Oh!
33:26Yes!
33:28What?
33:30No, I bloody well don't want to subscribe to a witch!
33:32Hang her up!
33:37I don't believe it!
34:03Oh!
34:05Oh!
34:06Oh!
34:25Oh!
34:32Shh!
34:37Oh!
34:50Right, you'll remember to get those chops, won't you?
34:53Only, Sarah's leaving due at lunchtime,
34:55so I don't suppose I'll get the chance.
34:57This is an interesting one, unless I'm very much mistaken.
35:00You've just come out of the house
35:02and unravelled six toilet rolls into a cast-iron skillet.
35:05And you scrunched them all up and set fire to them.
35:07Patrick, will you come away from that bloody window?
35:10No, he's sprinkling misola cooking oil all over them
35:12to make them burn.
35:14I don't believe this.
35:16No, he's mashing up all the ashes
35:18with the end of a rolling pin,
35:20like a mortar and pestle.
35:22Yes, I dare say he is.
35:24Where are the car keys?
35:26What do you mean, yes, I dare say he is?
35:28What sort of remark is that?
35:30Oh, talk about being anally fixated.
35:32My God.
35:34I thought he was normal.
35:36I never said he was normal.
35:38You're not telling me these are the actions
35:40of a sane human being.
35:42A man must be shot away to buggery, if you ask me.
35:44Did you hear me?
35:46You're getting the chops.
35:48Yes, I heard you.
35:50Right, I'll see you tonight, then.
35:55Mad as a bloody marsh hare.
35:57I wonder if we could get him certified on Bupa.
36:02Where have you been?
36:04I suddenly realised it was the last day
36:06to pay the video rental.
36:08It was a queue a mile long up there.
36:10I got all the way back to the car,
36:12found out she had tapped in the wrong amount.
36:14I had to go traipsing all the way back again.
36:17Where is it?
36:19Has he taken it?
36:21Has who taken what?
36:23Evidently.
36:25Can you imagine bringing something like that
36:27into someone else's house?
36:29I suppose you'll notice the difference.
36:31What are you rabbiting about?
36:32Do you want me to make buns with this
36:34or use up the stale?
36:36Use up the stale would be fine for toast.
36:38Ah, do my ears deceive me,
36:40or is that the rumble
36:42of the Tuesday night paper shredder
36:44chattering into life?
36:46Ah, yes, here it comes.
36:49All the local news,
36:51straight off the presses.
36:53I don't know why
36:55they don't just print it in confetti
36:57and be done with it.
37:00Where is it?
37:03Your problems answered
37:05by Mimsy Berkowitz.
37:08Dear Mimsy,
37:10I wonder if I am unusual
37:12in only having one eyebrow.
37:14It stretches over both my eyes
37:16and the top of my nose,
37:18giving me the appearance of someone
37:20with a nine-inch caterpillar
37:22crawling across my face.
37:24I don't believe some of these.
37:26Listen to this, Rudd.
37:28Dear wife with her wits end,
37:30please stop worrying.
37:32I can assure you
37:34it is not possible to catch
37:36a venereal disease
37:38from underpants
37:40bought at a jumble sale.
37:42I'm going to get you out now,
37:44all right?
37:46Yes, right.
37:49I don't believe it.
37:51Look at this.
37:53Look at what?
37:55Look at this headline.
37:57Gardner's reel
37:58is a doomsday dung horror.
38:01Dozens of elderly gardeners
38:03were today being treated for shock
38:05after learning that quantities
38:07of radioactive horse manure
38:09had been dumped on an allotment
38:11close to the area where they work.
38:13And although a local health official
38:15said the material had been
38:17declared perfectly safe,
38:19a wave of panic was already set in
38:21amongst local allotment holders,
38:23sparking fears of mutant parsnips
38:25and giant stampeding earthworms.
38:26This headline is depicted
38:28in the science fiction film Tremors.
38:30Said 70-year-old Mr. Horace Tring
38:32of Khartoum Terrace,
38:34this is Three Mile Island
38:36all over again.
38:38Meanwhile,
38:40the spreader of the doomsday dung,
38:42Mr. Victor Meldrew,
38:4461,
38:46had this morning
38:48gone to ground,
38:50gone to ground and gone to gateway
38:52and was refusing to answer
38:54the door to reporters.
38:56He had also confirmed
38:58that the manure
39:00outside Meldrew's house
39:02had been seen to emit
39:04a strange sinister glow in the dark.
39:06I can't believe it.
39:08Do you believe this?
39:10They've blown the whole thing
39:12out of all bloody proportion.
39:14What's that number?
39:16I'm going to ring the editor now.
39:18Ah, Mr. Meldrew.
39:20What?
39:22Ben Kerrick,
39:24Chairman of the Allotments Association.
39:26I'm afraid you seem
39:28to have caused a bit of an upset
39:30among some of our members,
39:32so I've been instructed
39:34to call round here
39:36to tell you that steps have been taken.
39:38Steps?
39:40Look, there's absolutely no risk involved.
39:42Everything's been declared totally safe.
39:44A man came and checked it over,
39:46took samples away for analysis.
39:48Yes, I've been led to believe, Mr. Meldrew.
39:50There's only one question I want to ask you
39:52and that is,
39:54do you or do you not
39:56want to declare nothing?
39:58Otherwise, you see,
40:00we would have taken it up to the trip.
40:02OK, George!
40:22What's that been?
40:24What?
40:26Reload your own environment
40:28if you want to,
40:30but you're not going to put it out.
40:46Mr. Meldrew.
40:48God save us. Here we go.
40:50Look, it wasn't my fault.
40:52It was the bloody press that stirred all this up,
40:54the stupid senile.
40:56I don't want to end up
40:58and cut it back here again.
41:00Will you wrap up?
41:02Patrick, what is it?
41:04I wondered if one of you
41:06could run me up to the hospital.
41:08It's been a very bad bus crash.
41:10It's all right, love.
41:12It's OK.
41:14I feel worse than I look.
41:16You mean you look worse than you feel.
41:19No.
41:21Just one of those things.
41:23A car shot out in front of me
41:24from a side street.
41:26I went straight in.
41:28It wasn't your fault.
41:30Don't blame yourself.
41:32Maniac with bollocks for brains.
41:34I could have ploughed across the traffic
41:36and killed 50 people.
41:39I don't know how I didn't.
41:43The breath test was positive, of course.
41:46Isn't it always?
41:48When are people ever going
41:50to get it into their skulls?
41:51You should be locked away for life.
41:53There's simply no excuse.
41:55No.
41:57No, I don't think you understand, Margaret.
41:59My breath test was positive.
42:05No.
42:07Just over
42:09three milligrams or something.
42:11I mean, I know I was fine,
42:13but that's not the point, of course.
42:15You're quite right, Margaret.
42:17No excuse at all.
42:18Lunchtime,
42:20one of the office staff was leaving.
42:22Had three martinis pushed into my hand.
42:26Well, I've paid for it now, haven't I?
42:29That's all right.
42:31Try not to keep thinking about it.
42:33Lost my license.
42:35Lost my job.
42:38Lost my baby.
42:49Typical, I suppose, really.
42:51Should have ended up the same way as it began.
42:56Accidents will happen.
43:02I wonder why they didn't put that
43:04on my birth certificate.
43:06Life by misadventure.
43:09It would just have opened up
43:11a whole new chapter in my life.
43:13I don't know why.
43:15I don't know why.
43:17It would just have summed it all up.
43:21I've just been down to check the back door.
43:23I found this stuck to the glass outside.
43:30Shall I put it in the book?
43:33What book?
43:38How's the bedtime drink?
43:40Yes, fine.
43:42What is it?
43:44It's a special herbal tea.
43:46I found it in the food shop.
43:48Said, drink all that back
43:50and you'll have the best night's sleep ever.
44:05Night, then.
44:07Night.