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00:00I'm really glad we arrived back to find this half-eaten double whopper with cheese lying
00:11in my front roast bed. Some people put manure in theirs, but I love none of it. A double
00:15whopper with cheese is a thing. Harry Wheatcroft swears by them. Still, it was a good evening,
00:23I thought. Mum! We're back! I thought they put on a really good show for a local group.
00:34It's another pool of water from that overflow out there. But you'd know much about it, of
00:38course, having slept through most of the first half like Rip Van Winkle. Who did? Next time
00:46we go to a play, why don't you just put your pyjamas on and be done with it? Bad enough
00:51when you started cuddling the man in the seat next to you, let alone all the comments you
00:56were making during the interval. I merely said that to me the hunchback of Not-To-Dance
01:00costume didn't look historically accurate, that's all. What? You know full well it was
01:08Peter Pan we're doing. You just see things like that for comic effect. I do not. Well,
01:13who was that that kept swinging across the stage in a bell rope then? That was Mrs. Hemstrich
01:18from the co-op playing Tinkerbell. The wire had to be that thick because of her glandular
01:23disorder. But why did she have one eye halfway up her forehead? I'm not saying she doesn't
01:29bear a passing resemblance to Long Chaney Senior, it's true, but she's got a lovely
01:34singing voice. She's one of the company's leading lights. So it hasn't put you off joining
01:39them then, tonight? Nope, I've made my mind up. It'll be fun getting back to amateur dramatics
01:46after all these years. Mr. Whittaker says I could pop along on Wednesday evening. He
01:51thinks they might have a small part for me in their next production, especially now they've
01:55lost their star performer, Desiree Gibson. Now she's become big and famous. Desiree Gibson?
02:02I expect that was her in the foyer behaving like Edna Everidge. She went to Jersey to
02:07do a Bergerac in January, and they say she's one of the six hand-gliding penguins in that
02:12building society advert. She's done very well for herself and no question about it. Are you
02:18coming straight up to bed now, or what? No, I'm going to do another hour or two in my situation
02:22comedy. Try and get this scene finished if I can. How's it coming along? All right? Very nicely,
02:29thank you. Very funny. When's it got to be in by? Closing date for entry is August the 1st.
02:40Then let me read it. Then it's finished. Anyone in mind for the parts? Joan Pleright and Bernard
02:48Breslau. Oh, good. Mum! We're back. Did you want some Horlicks?
03:09Congratulations! You've done it again, haven't you? What's the matter? What happened? What is it?
03:38I take it you were the one who put all that powdered wallpaper paste in a big glass jar
03:45and left it upstairs last week? No. Oh, yes, I did. Yes, and the packet split open. Why? My mother
03:53thought they were bath salts. You know how she tips a ton of the stuff in? She fell asleep in
04:01the water reading the Daily Mirror. Woke up like a giant tadpole in a bath of frog spawn. She
04:08looks like she's been pickled in aspic up there. Oh, dear. It's all right. Would you be, with both
04:15buttocks glued together like a treacle, crossword paper to one bottom and an handicap cartoon to
04:22the other? I'll be up all evening now, striping them with a squeegee. I'm sorry about that. I
04:28suppose at least there's no lasting damage done. What's that supposed to mean? I suppose it was
04:37also your bright idea to store the polyfiller in that old sterodent tin. What? You can start
04:50shipping. Are you nearly ready, Mum, or we'll miss the train? And don't try and
05:07carry that big suitcase down with your ankle. Have a nice day in Kettering, if that's not a
05:26contradiction in terms. I should think she'll be glad to get home after last night. Will you be
05:32all right all day? You'd better eat up that pasty. It goes off at midnight. Yes. Well, I'll love you and leave you then. You'll have a nice morning of peace and quiet for a change. Be able to get on with your script. I certainly hope so.
05:47We're off now. See you tonight. Bye then. Bye, Mum. No, Mum, it's hardly noticeable this morning. And anyway, people will just think it's a new type of hair gel.
06:18First time in eight days. Bliss.
06:35Hello? Good morning. My name is Mr. R.S. Gridley, ringing from Kidderminster. Yes? K-I-D-D-R-M-I-N-S-T-E-R. Yes? In first place, shot B, Mike Hallett against John Verger.
07:03What? In second place, shot D, Doug Mountjoy against Jimmy Warren. I beg your pardon? In third place, shot H, Dennis Taylor against Bill Webernach. Dennis Taylor? Hello? Hello?
07:19Mad. Utterly mad. Where was I? Hello? This is Gordon James Kirkody, ringing from Kirkody. Yes? In first place, shot F, John Barrett against Tony Mio.
07:44Look, what the hell is this? In second place, shot D, Doug Mountjoy against Jimmy White. Look, you've got a wrong number. In third place, shot H, Steve Davis against Eddie Charlton. Look, I said I think you've got...
08:15Yes? Hello? Hello? This is Ulrich Idle here, ringing from Stockholm, Sweden. And here are my votes in the BBC shot of the championship snowboard competition.
08:32Look, what am I, Katie Boyle? You've almost died. You're all coming through to a private number. Do you understand? In first place, shot F, John Barrett against... Go away!
08:47Hello? Victor Meldrew? No, who's he playing against? Hurricane Higgins? Oh yes, that's me. Speaking. Good morning, my name is Desiree Gibson. I was ringing for Mrs. Meldrew. She's in Kettering, is that right?
09:03Yes, that's right. Do you want a number for her? It's 0536-598-765. I should try around 12. Oh, you're very kind, thank you. That's all right. Goodbye.
09:17Goodbye. How anyone's supposed to write with interruptions every three seconds just bare boggles the mind!
09:29Being a piece of choir's not a lot to ask for on a Monday morning.
09:33Ah, I think you are right there. No worries at all there, Mr. Meldrew. What the bloody hell are you doing in there? Mrs. Meldrew is a bit concerned the outlet might be a bit clogged up like, you know, but I think it's all clear now. I'm going up to your loft now and have a look at your overflow, OK? Oh, you need a new toilet, Doc. Do I?
10:04How do you get any privacy in your own toilet now?
10:12It's Nick in here! No, he's not! Go away!
10:15You had a good day then, evidently. Eventually. After spending half the morning manning the BBC snooker switchboard and having arguments with three different people at British Telecom, I had more peace during the Blitz.
10:39How was your day? Oh, did that woman ring you at your mother's, Desiree Gibbon?
10:46Oh, yes! Gibson, that's what I meant to tell you. She's invited us to dinner at her place.
10:55I didn't know you knew her.
10:57Well, I don't. But she seemed to know all about me. She says she's holding a Bergerac party. You know, about half a dozen of her friends to watch her episode as it goes out on the air on Friday.
11:12She said, how are we fixed? I said, we've got nothing on, it would be a thrill for the pair of us.
11:17Is that the sort of thrill you get when you plug your fingers into a light socket?
11:21How often do we get invited out to dinner parties? It'll be a change from sitting stuck in front of the television all evening.
11:29And you never know, with her contacts, she might know someone who could look at your script.
11:45What's it about? Can I see?
11:47What's it about? Can I see?
11:49When I've finished, I told you.
11:56I presume Mick Stacey gave you his verdict on that overfill pipe in the loft?
12:01He did, yes.
12:03He told me the pipe was a complete write-off. Corroded away to Bergara, he said.
12:08Buggery, I think you'll find.
12:11Sorry?
12:12Sorry?
12:13Corroded away to Buggery, it's a technical term they use in the plumbing industry.
12:18Anyway, it's all under control, I'm getting a new one tomorrow.
12:21You are?
12:23Yes, then you can trust me to fit an overflow pipe, pay him 50 quid for the privilege.
12:30Then you'll need a new toilet, Doc, as well.
12:33I know.
12:43What is that supposed to be?
12:49That's very good.
13:13Excuse me.
13:15What the bloody hell do you think this is?
13:18There's a litter bin in the corner, or is that too far for you to walk?
13:22You might like living in a sewer, but there's other people who prefer to walk down this road
13:25without being knee-deep in your half-digested lunch.
13:29I'm sorry.
13:30I'm sorry.
13:31I'm sorry.
13:32I'm sorry.
13:33I'm sorry.
13:34I'm sorry.
13:35I'm sorry.
13:36I'm sorry.
13:37I'm sorry.
13:38I'm sorry.
13:39I'm sorry.
13:40I'm sorry.
13:41My half-digested lunch!
13:43Are you going to pick that up?
13:46Either you pick that up or I'm going to make a citizen's arrest and have you prosecuted.
13:53Don't twitch your head about or you'll make me slip.
13:56You're cutting into my neck.
13:59If you don't keep still, you'll be picking this ear up off the carpet.
14:03I just wish you'd leave well alone instead of going around everywhere like Charles Bronson.
14:09Mentally defective people like that must have a double whopper for a brain.
14:14Yes, well, you're very lucky you didn't do something far worse.
14:18Yes, it's lucky you didn't see I was carrying a toilet duck.
14:22Oh, this thing's as blunt as old Harry.
14:25I'm going to the shed to see if we've got some new blades.
14:31DOORBELL RINGS
14:39LAUGHTER
14:46Don't even think about it!
14:5533.
14:5934.
15:0435.
15:0736.
15:11Wonderful.
15:13A precious record of your mother's 80th birthday for us to treasure for always.
15:20No wonder they do them cheaper than anyone else.
15:24We won't be using them again.
15:29Well...
15:31Well...
15:34I'm off up now. I've got a long day ahead of me tomorrow.
15:38I've got rehearsals in the evening and big arrangements to get ready,
15:42so I want to be out early.
15:44Same with me, as it happens.
15:46Why, where are you off to tomorrow?
15:49Nowhere in particular. Just got a little job to take care of.
15:54ELECTRONIC WHIRRING
16:00ELECTRONIC WHIRRING
16:02LAUGHTER
16:18LAUGHTER
16:23LAUGHTER
16:31LAUGHTER
16:41LAUGHTER
16:43LAUGHTER
16:52LAUGHTER
17:05LAUGHTER
17:13LAUGHTER
17:19Oh, come on, Prue. You sure you haven't got time for some breakfast, darling?
17:23My God, I must have been drunk last night.
17:25How about a pair of freshly-squeezed grapefruit?
17:28Get off!
17:30Morning!
17:32Sorry to disturb you both.
17:34Only I've just had a disaster with my upstairs cleaning.
17:37Just a second, Mother.
17:39Are you sure you're all right up there, Martin?
17:42Doesn't look any too safe.
17:44I'm fine. You just carry on.
17:48OK.
17:50Sorry, love. Shall we just go from your entrance again?
17:53All right.
18:13ELECTRONIC WHIRRING
18:20Leave that clackers and come over here. You can take your tights off another time.
18:24If I'm not there by ten, Charles will start getting suspicious.
18:27Don't forget you've got to take the cat in to be doctored today.
18:30The way things are going, I think I might join you.
18:32I wonder what that cat would say if he knew what was in store for him.
18:35Well, I could wave goodbye to this pair.
18:37Something like that.
18:39SCREAMS
18:41I said he had his leg on that bloody gallop ring!
18:44Martin, speak! Was I all right?
18:47What is it, your leg?
18:50It's my pacemaker.
18:52His pacemaker?
18:54You could have killed yourself in there.
18:56I'll go and bag a car up to the door and we'll run him off to the hospital.
19:00Look at his leg. Can't we do something to bleed to death?
19:03Hang on.
19:07We need a tourniquet or something.
19:11I'll get a bit of this curtaining up the top.
19:14Don't worry, it's all seeping through here.
19:16Oh, come off, you bloody stupid thing!
19:19SCREAMS
19:21I'm over here!
19:27I'm over here, darling. Are you all right?
19:31I'll be back in a minute.
19:33Here, let's get this round his knee. You lift.
19:36It's no good. Some bloody idiot's parked his car right across the entrance.
19:41We'll have to call for an ambulance.
19:45Let's see if we can get him to the sofa. Can he walk at all?
19:49Yes, I... I think so.
19:51Take it. Use this.
19:58He won't have time for this tomorrow.
20:00You've got him.
20:10LAUGHTER
20:18Victor?
20:20Is that you?
20:26I'm absolutely amazed.
20:28I wouldn't have believed you had it in you.
20:3145 pages of absolute drivel.
20:36What?
20:38Is this supposed to be funny?
20:40What do you mean?
20:42Well, it wouldn't happen, would it?
20:44Stupid things like that in real life.
20:46Where do you get such ridiculous ideas?
20:50Oh.
20:52I thought it would come out rather well.
20:55Oh.
20:57Oh, that's that down the drain.
20:59Five weeks' work.
21:01I've been enjoying writing that.
21:03I thought at last I'd found something I was good at.
21:06Well, that's just my opinion.
21:09The judges might love it.
21:11Oh, you're right.
21:13I've obviously been wasting my time completely as usual.
21:16Why don't you bring it along tonight to Desiree's?
21:19See what she says.
21:21She'll give you a more professional opinion, perhaps.
21:23Oh, that reminds me.
21:25She asked me to record that programme for her.
21:28How long do you think it'll take us to get there?
21:32I suppose we should leave ourselves about to...
21:36How long do you think it'll take us to get there?
21:39I suppose we should leave ourselves about to...
21:48Any sign of them yet, darling?
21:50Nothing, no.
21:52They must have got delayed somewhere.
21:54Hurry up. It's just starting.
21:56Oh.
21:58Oh.
22:00Oh.
22:02Oh.
22:05Oh.
22:13Morning, Sergeant. How are you today?
22:15Just about staying the course, my love.
22:17Er, fillet steak, I think. Medium rare.
22:20And a drop of the chardonnay.
22:22I think we've got a bottle. I'll just check.
22:25Jim! Over here!
22:27What are you doing here, you old reprobate?
22:30Ah, brilliant!
22:32Don't you do much research for a part like that, does he?
22:35Well, on that one, I did try and visit a few restaurants, you know.
22:39Just to absorb the atmosphere.
22:43Oh, that'll be Victor and Margaret. I'll get it.
22:45I thought they were never going to make it.
22:47Means we can all eat, if you'd like to take your places.
22:50All right.
22:52By far, it was at a complete and total standstill.
22:56I'm sorry we had to open the wine for Victor to take his Valium.
23:02I know. It is getting worse, no doubt about it.
23:05Right. I believe Desiree mentioned seafood on the phone.
23:10Yes. Yes, that's all right with us, isn't it?
23:13Lovely.
23:20Where is it, then?
23:22Sorry?
23:24Where is it?
23:26What?
23:28The seafood.
23:31Seafood?
23:33Yes.
23:35Look, if you could manage it after all, it's no sweat.
23:38Whatever you've prepared for us, I'm sure it's marvellous.
23:41Right, now, the plates are all in here, warmed up and ready.
23:46And serving dishes in here.
23:49And any other utensils you may need, I'm sure you'll soon find them.
23:54Right, well, I don't suppose you want me breathing down your neck
23:58or anything, so I'll just go through and join the others.
24:02I'll await all your delicacies.
24:05Oh, when you're ready with the first course, just stick it through the hatch.
24:18I wonder if there's a room in the house where I can kill myself.
24:24Oh, one more thing.
24:26If you could just put the selection of desserts on a trolley,
24:29and we'll all help ourselves.
24:31Mr Gibson, I think there's been a bit of a mix-up here.
24:35We haven't brought any food with us.
24:38I'm afraid there's been a terrible misunderstanding.
24:41Misunderstanding?
24:45But you agreed it all with my wife.
24:48On the phone, the other day.
24:51I do. I don't know where she got that impression.
24:55You told her you were in catering.
24:59In catering.
25:06What is it?
25:08They're not a bloody catering firm at all.
25:10You've got it all arse about face, as usual.
25:13God almighty, I thought you were supposed to phone up to confirm all the details.
25:17I tried a dozen times. The phone was always off the hook.
25:20Oh, Miss Above Woman, you must have realised.
25:23What on earth did you think I was talking about
25:26when I said to make sure you brought the bill with you?
25:39Are they back yet?
25:41No. You know what it's like down that takeaway on a Friday night.
25:44Far better than the volunteer, really, I suppose.
25:47Well, these things do happen.
25:49If you'd like some more soup, I can open another tin.
25:53Gerry was telling us the most horrific story.
25:56How he was vandalised this week.
25:58That's right. Wednesday lunchtime.
26:00I parked the car to go into post office.
26:02When I come back, some cretinous arsehole
26:05has dumped a sack full of garbage all over inside of my car.
26:08Gungeon crap everywhere, for no reason at all.
26:11Jesus Christ, I find him, I'll have his balls for bacon dumplings.
26:15He won't know what to do.
26:18The trouble is, they never catch them, do they?
26:20They always get away with it.
26:22Except this one made a fatal error.
26:24Left a clue behind.
26:26A clue?
26:27A load of crook transparencies
26:29I found amongst the potato peelings.
26:34Some gormless ghoulie in a cap in most of them.
26:37Not a vindictive man,
26:39but if I ever come across this bastard...
26:43CLICK
26:45Still, let's not get morbid at the dinner table, eh?
26:48Sounds as if our cuck has arrived.
26:52Right, look back, everyone. Who's for a double whopper?