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Short filmTranscript
00:00Sorry, Mum?
00:02Oh, right.
00:04She wants to attack all your men in Japan
00:06with two dice from Mongolia.
00:10Where's the sooty egg cup?
00:12Oh, sorry.
00:18Double four.
00:20Double four to beat this time, Mum.
00:22Oh, hang on a minute.
00:24She's dropped her dice in the germaline.
00:30Have you got it now?
00:32Right. No.
00:34He got a double four.
00:36Yes. Double five.
00:38What a surprise. How very convenient.
00:40I'd never have guessed.
00:42What's that supposed to mean?
00:44How do we know what she's doing, sitting over there
00:46and catering with her own board and counters?
00:48This is the way the Third Reich started.
00:52With a sooty egg cup?
00:54She's conquered more countries
00:56since the archers finished
00:58it in a lifetime.
01:00No, it's nothing, Mum.
01:02Just Victor coughing up an opal fruit.
01:06You want to go in for the kill and wipe him off the board?
01:08Don't encourage her.
01:10Awful when someone's a bad loser.
01:12I know.
01:14Who's a bad loser?
01:16You wrap up and get on with your knitting.
01:18Right.
01:20One army left.
01:24Five.
01:26Six.
01:30Well, that's that, then.
01:32That's me blasted off the board for the third game running
01:34by the Allied forces of Mini-Crun.
01:36Why don't you bother?
01:38Right. It's my turn, Mum. Hang on while I get the...
01:40Oh, right.
01:42He's just going to the loo now.
01:46So when's he due to have his leg off?
01:48Friday morning.
01:50All being well.
01:52Glad to see the back of it.
01:54Seven weeks with that monstrosity.
01:56Oh, someone's written something on it.
01:58I can't quite read it.
02:00Nothing of any importance?
02:02West Ham Wonkers.
02:06How's that he laid off?
02:08Let us go and get some ice.
02:10That was when he fell asleep in the park
02:12last Saturday afternoon.
02:14There was an obscene drawing of Salman Rushdie
02:16on his shin.
02:18But it came off with some lemon pledge.
02:20It's been a real episode,
02:22hasn't it?
02:24Oh, what with one thing and another.
02:26How anyone can break their leg
02:28buying a shirt in Millet's
02:30is beyond you in the first place.
02:34But after about the first three weeks,
02:36he did just about manage to get used to it.
02:38You know,
02:40till the itching started.
02:42Drove him totally mad
02:44for four or five days.
02:46He had five days
02:48for five days.
02:50He had fuse wire down it,
02:52God knows it.
02:54In the end, it got so bad,
02:56we had to go back up the hospital
02:58to get some expert advice.
03:00And that's when they found it.
03:02Doctor said it was one of the rarest things
03:04he'd ever known.
03:06For someone to have an ant's nest down their plasticine.
03:12There was no question about it.
03:14You could see them all scuttling in and out
03:16of his underpants.
03:20I just put it down to the hot weather, you know.
03:22Anyway, we put a blob of nipple
03:24on the fleshy part of each of his thighs
03:26and that seemed to do the trick for him.
03:28But I tell you, Jean,
03:30never again.
03:32So, um,
03:34you think it's a good moment yet?
03:36Sorry?
03:38Oh, yes, when he comes in again.
03:40Ask him now.
03:42Right.
03:44Sleeping there again.
03:46I think I'll ring back later.
03:48So,
03:50anyhow, Jean,
03:52how's it all shaping up?
03:54Have you found anyone yet to play that other part
03:56in your nativity production?
03:58Not yet, no.
04:00Look at this.
04:02Half a bloody rainforest in here.
04:06The ideal Christmas gift.
04:08This superb reproduction
04:10200 years old antique commode.
04:12What are they used for?
04:14Toilet paper? The Dead Sea Scrolls?
04:16As a matter of fact,
04:18we were wondering if you'd be interested,
04:20Mr Meldrew?
04:22Interested in what?
04:24In playing one of the parts for us
04:26in this year's nativity.
04:28Well, depends what the part is.
04:30It's the back half
04:32of a cow.
04:36Oh, so it's not just
04:38any old part.
04:40No, no, not at all.
04:42As I say, Mr Gosling from the
04:44chip shop was originally down for it.
04:46Then he backed out because he was
04:48afraid of looking stupid.
04:50And that's when we thought of you.
04:52And especially
04:54after last year, when you were so good
04:56as the king of the toadstools,
04:58I reckon you'd be a natural.
05:00Well, I'm sorry,
05:02I'm not spending two hours
05:04bending over with my head stuck up someone else's...
05:06King of the toadstools?
05:08What are you talking about?
05:10Last year, when you played that giant toadstool
05:12in Babes in the Wood.
05:14Giant toadstool?
05:16I never played a giant toadstool.
05:18What was it then, a giant mushroom?
05:20It wasn't a giant mushroom.
05:22It wasn't any form of champion fungus of any kind.
05:24It wasn't in Babes in the Wood.
05:26I didn't even see the bloody thing.
05:30Well, it had your walk.
05:32And it's not often you see
05:34a toadstool that round-shouldered.
05:36Are you sure it wasn't you?
05:38Oh, for goodness sake!
05:40Oh, you might as well save your breath, Jean.
05:42You'll get nothing out of him
05:44till after Christmas.
05:46It's a waste of time trying.
05:48He won't even have a tree in the house this year.
05:50Refuses point blank.
05:52Oh, you've got to have
05:54a tree in the house, Mr Meldrew,
05:56for Christmas.
05:58What for?
06:00So you can tie chocolate rabbits to them
06:02and watch them melt under the lights.
06:04And they can drip all over the carpets
06:06and dry up like miniature cowpats.
06:10It's not even Christmas anymore.
06:12It's just a four-month trade fair
06:14organised by retailers
06:16and advertising agencies.
06:18Yes, what better way
06:20to celebrate the birth of Christ
06:22than by filling your intestines up
06:24with Newbery fruits?
06:26I rather fancy
06:28having every bone in my body
06:30crushed to a pulp today.
06:32Perhaps I'll go down to W.H. Smith's
06:34and spend five minutes in the book department.
06:36So you...
06:38you don't want to, then?
06:40What?
06:42Play the back half of a cow.
06:44It's only for one night
06:46and you could swish your tail about
06:48with a concealed wire.
06:56No!
07:00No!
07:04Nope, I haven't a clue.
07:06I did think he could do with a new watch,
07:08the one he's got's always slow.
07:10But he seems to like it that way.
07:12He says time goes far too quickly as it is.
07:14Well, what did you get him last year?
07:16Oh.
07:18Well, no, I wouldn't get him that again.
07:20The condition's nearly healed up now.
07:22Well, I don't know.
07:24I have been racking my brains
07:26for a month
07:28and I...
07:30We've ordered a cape on this year.
07:32We thought it might not be quite so dry.
07:34That's great, Aunt Joyce.
07:36To her new account,
07:38I want three more jars of petroleum jelly
07:40wrapped up in the form of a Christmas cracker.
07:44Yes, dear, and he sends his love.
07:46OK, I'll speak to you soon.
07:48Bye.
07:50Who can that be? The postman's already been.
07:52You'll have to make yourself a fresh pot of tea.
07:54Haven't they done anything about this pressure yet?
07:56Better cancel the plumber.
07:58Took him to specialists in geriatric bladder disorders.
08:02Oh, God almighty!
08:08That wind's getting up again.
08:10They said on the radio it might be in for another hurricane.
08:12Who was that?
08:14Too much to expect. It was a plumber, I suppose.
08:16No, it wasn't a plumber.
08:18I think it was some sort of delivery driver.
08:20I think he must just have
08:22rung the bell and then left.
08:24Delivery driver?
08:26Delivering what?
08:30Margaret?
08:32Delivering what?
08:36Look, I don't want a debate about it.
08:38I know what I ordered.
08:40I've got the document in front of me now.
08:42I quite specifically ordered
08:44one Excelsior Garden Gnome,
08:46catalogue number 263.
08:50I must have put it in the wrong column.
08:52It only takes a bit of common sense.
08:54What could I possibly want with
08:56263 bloody garden gnomes
08:58in the first place?
09:00The pressure in Munchkinland
09:02out here.
09:04Three months I've been waiting for this order.
09:06I wanted one gnome by the front door
09:08and now I've got a bloody population explosion.
09:14What?
09:16I don't believe it.
09:18She says we've got to fill in one of the return order
09:20shitties and send them back as unsatisfactory
09:22goods and any of the items
09:24that are even slightly damaged
09:26will be charged for.
09:30Peter, that's two flown over already.
09:34If we leave them out here, the whole lot
09:36will go for a burthen.
09:50Ahem.
10:14Seems to have died down a bit out there now.
10:16Peter?
10:18Are the telephone lines still out of action?
10:20Yes.
10:22It's said on the local news a lot of people have had
10:24their electricity cut off.
10:28Might have to do without
10:30all over Christmas.
10:32Well, at least they won't have to watch television.
10:34Sit through all that festive tripe.
10:38Scylla Black, can you imagine?
10:40Her fate worse than death.
10:42She's got a very infectious laugh.
10:44So does a hyena with anthrax.
10:50I might try that new video place tomorrow
10:52on my way back from the hospital.
10:54See if they can do anything.
10:58What the hell are you grinning at?
11:02Will you get away from me?
11:04I'm sleeping in bloody Snow White's cottage.
11:10I had a word with Eileen's husband.
11:12He said for 20 quid he could run them back
11:14to the warehouse on his truck, but it won't be until Wednesday morning.
11:18I'll be glad when it's all over, I will straight.
11:22All the miseries in the world
11:24seem a hundred times worse than Christmas.
11:26I suppose it was always the same.
11:30Don't suppose there was ever any magic in it.
11:32Only in old films with Jimmy Stewart.
11:34Never in real life.
11:36What do you want for Christmas?
11:38A set of razor blades to slash my wrists with.
11:42God almighty, you're in a bright mood
11:44all of a sudden.
11:46If it's that much of an ordeal
11:48you needn't bother.
11:50I told you before, you needn't go splashing out for me.
11:52You won't worry me if I don't get anything.
11:54All right then, I won't.
11:58You know what we said last year?
12:00It's only a ritual.
12:02If we both agree not to buy anything
12:04you'll avoid any worries and there won't be any disappointments.
12:06Fine by me.
12:12Fine then.
12:20Right.
12:22We'll require three pieces of identification
12:24plus an official document such as the driver's licence
12:26bearing your normal signature.
12:28There's a £60 deposit and the rental charges
12:30are from £1 to £2.50 daily.
12:32All tapes are to be returned by 7.30 prompt
12:34after which a further £2 is payable
12:36plus a 50p surcharge should you forget to rewind the tape.
12:38Right.
12:40Here's my birth certificate.
12:42Here's a document containing my normal signature.
12:44Here's a document containing an abnormal signature
12:46written whilst wearing a boxing glove.
12:48Here's a cheque for the required amount.
12:50And here's a pound of my flesh
12:52which I realise I must forfeit at any time
12:54should I happen to top three in the film.
13:00I'll go and put this onto hard disk.
13:32Your card then Mr Mildred.
13:34Thank you. Can I ask
13:36what categories you have here?
13:38I mean anything at all.
13:40I mean look at this. Under family.
13:42The cook, the thief, his wife and a lover
13:44and confessions of a werewolf prostitute.
13:46I don't know what sort of family you belong to.
13:48I mean you've got Santa Claus the movie
13:50and a horror.
13:52Fair enough.
13:54But under children's you've got Nightmare on Elm Street 3
13:56and The Blood.
13:58It's how people put them back on the shelves.
14:00I haven't got time for all that.
14:02You little kiddies think this is jolly good fun do they?
14:04Watching some decomposing corpse
14:06sucking people's blood out like a cardner by Bina.
14:08I suppose this is an ideal
14:10bedtime story in your house is it?
14:12Two hours of some bloke
14:14with a roasted face going loopy with a chainsaw.
14:18What sort of film exactly
14:20were you after?
14:22I don't suppose you've got
14:24angels with dirty faces.
14:26Who's that?
14:28A little known actor
14:30called James Cagney.
14:32He's very big in his day.
14:34He's the back half of a cow.
14:36Perhaps in that case I'll have Arnold Schwarzenegger
14:38and Ragtag and Blob 2.
14:40That'll drop me a card when it comes in.
14:42Thank you for your help.
14:44Good morning.
14:52How did it go? Alright?
14:54Yes, fine.
14:56They've got this machine that they just go right down the plaster.
14:58There's still a load of leaves and stuff
15:00at the front I haven't cleared yet.
15:02If you're looking for a job... Yes, alright.
15:18Hello.
15:20Thank you very much
15:22Great Aunt Joyce.
15:24I wonder what it is.
15:26A bottle of something
15:28nice?
15:30Or five more jars of petroleum jelly?
15:42Oh.
15:44Wonders will never cease.
15:46How goes it,
15:48Mrs Meldew? Are you winning?
15:50Oh.
15:52Good morning.
15:54We have met Tom Croker. I'm Pippa's father.
15:56I've just...
15:58Oh dear.
16:00Forgive me.
16:02I've got a streamer coming on, I think.
16:04Bless you. It sounds as if you ought to get back indoors.
16:06I'd love to. I'm afraid I've just
16:08locked myself out of the wretched house.
16:10Oh no.
16:12Is there no one else in?
16:14They've both gone shopping.
16:16Patrick very kindly let me come over
16:18today to use his computer.
16:20I just popped out the front of the car.
16:22The door slammed shut.
16:24Oh dear.
16:40Excuse the nose.
16:42It's a bit of a story.
16:44You're very kind, Mrs Meldew.
16:48What have we got here?
16:50Plain truth?
16:52Aye. Four copies of Watchtower.
16:54Is your husband a man of
16:56strong religious beliefs?
16:58Well, he strongly believes in castrating
17:00Jehovah's Witnesses.
17:02I don't know if that counts at all.
17:04Time of year, Mrs Meldew. A lot of it about.
17:23DOORBELL RINGS
17:37Oh, good morning to you.
17:39You must be Mr Meldew, Tom Croker.
17:41Yes.
17:43I am sorry to disturb you like this.
17:45I won't need to impose upon you too long, I'm sure.
17:47It's just that I... I'm sorry.
17:49I'm really not interested.
17:51A man like you, stranded on the outside
17:53without a key, happens all too often, doesn't it?
17:55Yes, I know.
17:57How much are the magazines?
17:59Um, I beg your pardon?
18:0130p, is it? To cover the cost of the printing?
18:03Here we are. Very kind of you to call.
18:05Thank you very much. I'll read this later.
18:07Happy Christmas, do you?
18:09Mr Meldew, I'm sorry. I ought to explain
18:11the reason why I'm actually here.
18:13I'm really very busy. Thank you very much indeed.
18:15Goodbye.
18:18What are these ruddy people?
18:20Very kind of you.
18:22Inconceivable.
18:30What am I doing?
18:36I should be in the inside, shouldn't I?
18:43Victor?
18:48It isn't that Victor doesn't believe in God.
18:50It's just that they haven't been on speaking terms lately.
18:56Perhaps you could put in a good word for him.
18:58That won't be very easy, I'm afraid.
19:00You see, Victor may, but I'm afraid I don't.
19:03Don't what?
19:05Believe in God.
19:07So?
19:09I don't believe in God.
19:11Of course, I used to.
19:13Used to believe in fairies and elves once upon a time.
19:16Used to believe in the SDP's economic policy.
19:20I'm afraid this last year I've had the most terrible crisis of faith.
19:23Everything crumbled.
19:25After 40 years of ministering,
19:27it was most unnerving, I can't tell you.
19:30That is why this will be my last Christmas with the church.
19:34On January the 1st, I'm leaving
19:36to go and work in resins.
19:39Resins?
19:41Yes, a rising new company has offered me a position on the board.
19:44Very handsome salary.
19:46My time of life, it was manna from heaven.
19:49Only I can remember quite clearly
19:52when I first discovered God.
19:56It was September the 4th, 1951,
20:00and then I lost him again one day last summer.
20:05Woke up one morning in July,
20:07and he was gone.
20:10You make him sound like a hamster.
20:15It grieves me more than I can say,
20:17but I have to go with my conscience.
20:20Faith is absolute, or it's nothing at all.
20:23And when I look around and try to explain,
20:27explain to someone like Mrs. Burridge,
20:31a young mother, barely 30,
20:34most devout and reverent of Christians,
20:36a little boy, age six.
20:39Last Monday, her husband left the house
20:42to fly to Munich on a business trip.
20:46He was going to be away seven days,
20:48come back on Christmas Eve
20:50so they could all attend midnight mass together.
20:54He never even got to the airport.
20:57Car collided with a petrol tanker,
21:01and he was burnt alive, the steering wheel.
21:07Words of comfort come hard, Mrs. Meldrum.
21:11Well, there isn't much you can say, is there?
21:14It's pitiful to see a woman with her appetite for living
21:17so absolutely crushed.
21:20And yet from somewhere she finds the strength
21:23to carry on with her life,
21:26which can't be easy,
21:28working in that video shop all day long,
21:33dishing out death and destruction to amuse the masses.
21:36Perhaps you know her. It's quite near here,
21:38corner of Hogarth Avenue.
21:40Young girl with long blonde hair.
21:42No, but then I very rarely go in this shop.
21:44Hello.
21:45Sounds as if they're back.
21:47Yes.
21:48Oh, you can get back to your computer now.
21:50Oh, I am so sorry to be a bit morbid.
21:53Goodbye, Mr. Meldrum. Merry Christmas.
21:55Merry Christmas.
21:56It's lovely to have met you anyway.
21:57I don't usually go around spreading doom and gloom
21:59in other people's houses.
22:01Oh, don't worry about it.
22:03Goodbye.
22:04Goodbye. Have a very merry Christmas.
22:06Bye.
22:08Don't. Whatever you do, just don't.
22:13I won't, then. I won't.
22:14I don't know why I agreed. I said I wouldn't do it.
22:17I swore I wouldn't do it.
22:19Well, why didn't you do it, then?
22:21Nothing short of a complete and total public humiliation
22:24in front of 500 cackling crows in the women's bright hour.
22:29Timid name is more like the gospel according to the Marx Brothers.
22:34Can I get any of that before you guzzle it all back?
22:36Swallow all my pride, every last ounce of dignity
22:39to dress up as the back half of a cow, and what do I find?
22:42The costume department's lost a front half.
22:47But not to worry. Mrs. Prouse to the rescue
22:50with the front half of a giant rabbit left over from Easter.
22:55With any luck, no one will notice a difference.
22:58That's not a bad drop of plonk for Great Aunt Joyce.
23:01I ended up lumbering around the crib
23:03like the result of some horrible vivisection experiment.
23:07I'm still peckish.
23:08Do you want to heat up the rest of that bubble and squeak
23:11before we go to bed?
23:13And that was a moving moment, wasn't it?
23:15When the angel of the Lord came down and said,
23:17bugger me, what the hell's happening here?
23:22I've never seen such a cheapskate production.
23:25The three wise men were all cardboard cutters.
23:27I suppose you noticed that.
23:29Half the audience thought the stable was being invaded
23:32by the pirates from Captain Pugwash.
23:35And you would have thought that least they could have found
23:38a child's doll or something as a baby Jesus.
23:41That was the absolute limit.
23:43A marrow wrapped in swaddling clothes.
23:45Oh, for goodness sake, shut up.
23:48Going on and on about the bloody thing.
23:50You've made your point. It was a complete disaster.
23:53Now let it rest.
23:55Who's that at this time of night?
23:58At least with amateur dramatics for life, I am straight.
24:01Hello, love.
24:03Merry Christmas.
24:04We heard you come in, so we thought we'd just try and catch you.
24:07Oh, come on in, have some sherry.
24:09Oh, thank you.
24:11Oh, see what you mean about all you goblins.
24:16Yes.
24:18How's your father?
24:20Oh, he's got a lot on his mind this Christmas, hasn't he?
24:23It's nice meeting him.
24:26It's nice meeting him, despite all the mishaps.
24:29There we are.
24:32Merry Christmas.
24:34Merry Christmas.
24:35Cheers.
24:36That's what we came round for, actually.
24:38Not being irrelevant.
24:39What's that?
24:40My father's Christmas presents.
24:42Sorry?
24:43The bottle of wine.
24:45Fauntleroy Mason delivered it yesterday morning.
24:47I hope you don't mind us asking him to deliver it to you,
24:49but we weren't exactly sure when it would arrive
24:51and didn't want to risk him spotting it.
24:54Would have done with it straight away.
24:57Bottle of wine.
24:59Being a collector, well, a fanatic, really,
25:02when it comes to his wine.
25:04Oh, he's been after this particular one for God knows how long.
25:08Real stroke of luck that we found it, really.
25:10It's Chateau Cheverny-Merceau, 1924.
25:13Incredibly rare.
25:15He's got his 60th birthday coming up on the 28th,
25:18so it's a sort of big combined present for the two.
25:21Oh, it's amazing, really, isn't it,
25:23to think of a bottle of wine that's ten years older than your father.
25:26It's amazing to think of a bottle of wine that cost you 850 quid.
25:30Oh, shh! You don't have to keep shouting about the price.
25:36Oh, I'll just get it for you.
25:47It's not there from next door. It's a bit late.
25:49We're out in the garden. What do they want?
25:54LAUGHTER
26:00Victor, that very expensive bottle of wine
26:03that was sent to us by Great Aunt Joyce yesterday
26:05wasn't from Great Aunt Joyce and it wasn't for us.
26:08It's not from Great Aunt Joyce, but it's sent her the card.
26:11Yes, the card was from her.
26:13The wine was from a very expensive place in London.
26:18It belongs to Patrick and Pepper
26:20and he has left it in our house for safe keeping.
26:30It cost £850.
26:32It's been perfectly preserved for over 60 years
26:35and you've just poured the last drops in the bottle and squeaked!
26:51Right.
26:53Well, you better go in and apologise
26:58and I'll go and rest my neck on a railway line.
27:03What are you doing?
27:05We're going to fill it up again and stick the cork back in.
27:07A thing like this, nobody ever drinks it.
27:09You put it down in a cellar and just look at it.
27:11Now, with a bit of luck, nobody will notice the difference.
27:14Argh! Bloody thing!
27:18Get me the funnel out of that drawer.
27:20What are you doing now?
27:36I'm sorry to be so long.
27:38We couldn't quite remember where we put it.
27:40Oh, Harriet, now guard that with your life.
27:42Don't worry.
27:44Now, we won't keep you any longer because I'm sure you're ready for your bed.
27:47Yes.
27:48Thanks for the sherry.
27:49Oh, not at all.
27:50And Merry Christmas.
27:52Yes, Merry Christmas to you too.
27:54Goodnight.
27:55Bye-bye.
27:56Goodnight.
28:03If you do believe in God,
28:05I'd say now's the time to start saying your prayers.
28:15Oh, no!
28:35Today is the last Sunday that I shall stand before you
28:39as the incumbent priest in the parish of St Luke's.
28:44No exaggeration to say
28:46that this is one of the saddest days of my life.
28:50And yet, as I look around the faces of you here before me,
28:54I'm only too well aware that there are those amongst you
28:57whose burden of grief is far, far greater than mine.
29:02To all of you, I send my fondest thanks
29:05for my sincere assurances that as I make my way to pastures new,
29:10from the world of holy orders
29:12to the world of multinational, industrial, plastics, condominates,
29:16I shall continue to hold dear all those timeless virtues
29:20of benevolence, compassion, sensitivity and all the...
29:24PHONE RINGS
29:29Duncan, how are you?
29:32I'm in the middle of a sermon at the moment.
29:35Are you at the office?
29:37Yes, I will as soon as I'm through.
30:01Are you the postman?
30:04Sorry?
30:08Oh, thank you. Adam.
30:16Ah. Mrs Barrett, I just wanted to...
30:19The other day, I just wanted to say that the things that I said at the time,
30:23I was just...
30:33HE SNIFFS
30:59It's still wobbling about out there.
31:03What is?
31:04That tree outside Mrs Aylesbury's opposite.
31:07It got very badly weakened in the storm.
31:09And now the kids have been playing lumberjacks
31:11trying to get it to go through her upstairs window.
31:14They've phoned the parks department five times.
31:18But it seems the phones are all still off.
31:20I've never known a Christmas like it.
31:23Yes, it hasn't been the happiest of a record for anyone.
31:28I suppose if it teaches us something,
31:31it teaches us to be thankful and not to go about...
31:36What am I doing with this?
31:38I'm going downstairs for a book.
31:42I've just about had enough of you, matey. I have straight...
31:52Victor, you are not to put his head down the toilet again.
32:01LAUGHTER
32:21Oh, I forgot to tell you.
32:23I met the Reverend Croker again today.
32:25You know Pippin's father?
32:27He says they're laying out some special dinners
32:29for the homeless at Christmas down the community centre.
32:31Give them a decent meal for once in a year.
32:35I said I'd go along and give them a hand.
32:38Help with the washing up or something.
32:43You'll miss your Christmas dinner.
32:46We could have it at tea time. It's not that big a deal.
32:49It's only a few hours.
32:51Do something worthwhile this year for once in my life.
32:55Oh, so I'm to spend Christmas morning alone now, am I?
32:59Oh, my goodness.
33:01Look, what if I was the Pope?
33:03You wouldn't see me at all there, would you?
33:06I mean, what happened to goodwill to old men?
33:15And that's from Mr and Mrs Birkett.
33:17Send all their love and best wishes.
33:19What have they been spending their money on?
33:23It's a shame you wouldn't have a tree in the house.
33:26Not the same without a tree, is it?
33:29Always have a tree, even if it's only a little one.
33:33Yes.
33:37Oh, dear.
33:42I did tell them you wanted one,
33:45but that was before the, er...
33:49Well, better be running along, I suppose.
33:53Got a few more calls to make.
33:56So you won't be having your dinner till this evening now, then?
34:00No.
34:02Still, give you more time.
34:04I must say, I thought that was a very generous gesture.
34:08Not like Victor at all.
34:10Well, not like any husband, really.
34:13Oh, dear.
34:15Giving up his Christmas day
34:17to go down that drafty old community centre.
34:20Pity a few more can't be bothered.
34:23Right.
34:25Oh, gloves.
34:27It's turned really chilly out there now.
34:30Forecast said we might have some snow tonight.
34:33Well, bye-bye, Margaret.
34:35See you soon.
34:37Merry Christmas, and thanks for the sherry.
34:40Yes.
35:06There we are. That's the last of the sprites, Victor.
35:09You want some more? Right.
35:24Very good.
35:28Waiter.
35:32Is everything OK for you?
35:34Can you tell me the time at all?
35:37Oh, no, I can't, actually.
35:39I didn't put my watch on this morning.
35:412.51 and two seconds precisely.
35:44Is it?
35:46Is it? Good.
35:482.512.
35:502.512
35:52in the year of our Lord 1.990.
35:55Yes.
35:57Something to think about there.
35:59We've lost the ability to tell time for ourselves, you see.
36:02It's all done with clocks these days.
36:04Takes away all the skill.
36:06Squinting at quartz analogue watches.
36:08Measuring the sun's passage across the firmament.
36:11Not many people left can actually tell time anyway.
36:15Not many of us left.
36:192.51 and 39 seconds.
36:28So, if you want any more gravy, there's...
36:30I don't mind waiting, Mr Meldrew.
36:32I don't mind waiting one little bit.
36:36Oh.
36:39Good. That's a diggity.
37:06Thank you very much indeed, Mrs Rutland.
37:08You've been tremendous.
37:10Now, Merry Christmas to you and all the family.
37:12Bye to you.
37:17Victor, I think we've cracked it.
37:19Everyone gone, aren't they?
37:21Ah, yes.
37:23They've all gone except one.
37:25A gentleman called Mr Starkey.
37:27And, er...
37:29I don't know.
37:31I don't know.
37:33I don't know.
37:35He, er...
37:37He doesn't seem too keen on going just yet.
37:40He said he...
37:42doesn't mind waiting.
37:44Wait for what?
37:46Er...
37:48Well, erm... Armageddon, apparently.
37:51Which he seems to think will be at 20 past 8 this evening.
37:54In 15 seconds.
37:56Look, I'll get this place vacated by 4 o'clock
37:58or the council will be down there like a ton of bricks.
38:00Tell him to go on down to the Sallie Army Hall
38:03like everyone else.
38:05Yes. Yes, I did try and explain that, but he said...
38:08Yes? Hmm?
38:12Well, he's got a machine gun.
38:17Pardon me?
38:19He's got a machine gun.
38:21I didn't like to ask him where he got it from,
38:23but he says it's very useful for getting a seat on the bus.
38:26The thing he said was that
38:28he wants us to get him a set of new clothes
38:31because he says he can't.
38:34He can't possibly meet the poor horsemen of the apocalypse
38:38without a clean shirt.
38:40Tell him to go away and stop being so silly.
38:43Right.
38:45What about the machine gun?
38:47Well, it's only a toy, isn't it?
38:49Obviously, tell him I've got to lock up
38:51and be out of here in ten minutes.
38:56Right.
39:01Come here.
39:06Ah.
39:08There's our white Christmas after all, then.
39:11Very seasonal.
39:13Ah.
39:31I'm not sure I'm getting through to him, I'm afraid.
39:34He seems quite pleased with the new set of clothes,
39:37but he doesn't seem quite ready to leave the building just yet.
39:40Did you finish playing yet?
40:11I wonder if we ought to call the police.
40:13It had crossed my mind.
40:15You go back in there and keep him talking
40:17and I'll see if I can get through to someone at the station.
40:24That's all right, Reverend.
40:26You can put that down.
40:29I don't mind waiting.
40:40Oh.
41:10Oh.
41:32One of the things I hate most about modern civilisation
41:36is you're driving along in your car, right?
41:39Driving at the wiggle of your car
41:41and there's this van in front of you
41:44and the back's open
41:46and there's this guy sitting there
41:49on a pile of sacks
41:51eating grapes
41:53and spitting the pips at your windscreen.
41:57I can't stand it when that happens.
42:00It makes my blood boil.
42:04Oh, yes, I know. Terrible.
42:06Absolutely terrible.
42:22What time is it now, Mr Stark?
42:25Time now?
42:276.46.39 seconds.
42:34What exactly are we waiting for?
42:38The vials of Ruff, Mr Meldrew.
42:41The final conflict against the Mother of Harlots and Abominations.
42:46Ah, right.
42:49In an hour and a half from now
42:51a multitude of frogs shall spring forth
42:54from the mouths of false prophets.
42:57And I'll be the first to know
42:59A multitude of frogs shall spring forth
43:01from the mouths of false prophets.
43:04Yes, I expect so.
43:06And then, the miracle of deliverance.
43:10By 9.23, the water of life
43:13shall proceed forth from the throne of the Lamb
43:16and the day of the Lord shall be...
43:18What's that?
43:20Someone's breaking in. It might be the police.
43:23Don't either of you move a muscle.
43:30Anyone at home?
43:32Pippa, don't come in!
43:34Dad, where the hell have you been? What's happening?
43:36Get back out! He's got a gun!
43:39Who has?
43:41Close the door behind you.
43:43You'll sit and wait with us, won't you?
43:48Have you any idea what time it is?
43:51It's snowing like mad out there.
43:54They'll both freeze to death.
43:56Look at them.
43:59Time now...
44:016.48, precisely.
44:04Pippa, don't argue with the gentleman!
44:07He won't hurt you.
44:09I've seen him in the park, feeding the squirrels.
44:17Now, come on.
44:20Put that thing down and we can all go home.
44:28Do you want a smack around the head?
44:33Not really.
44:35Well, give it here, then.
44:59PIPPA SOBS
45:15How are you feeling?
45:17Still edgy.
45:19Would you like me to mash you up a valium in a mince pie?
45:2320 past eight's been and gone.
45:26Wonder what happened to the mother of harlots of abominations.
45:30Have we missed Cilla Black, or is it on tomorrow?
45:34I wonder who he did get that gun.
45:37Said he got it for Christmas.
45:40Poor sod.
45:42Christmas.
45:44Well, he, at his faith, makes you wonder what to believe in.
45:48What's out there? Who's listening?
45:50What are you waffling on about?
45:52That little boy whose father was blown up in the car crash.
45:56How do you make children like that understand?
46:00Some people pray to God, some write to Father Christmas.
46:03I suppose it comes to the same thing in the end, all the good it does.
46:07I can see why people like Croke are wanting to pack it in.
46:10It stopped snowing out there.
46:12Well, they say it won't come to much.
46:15Hmm?
46:18Now, I know we said, you know, we agreed about
46:23not giving each other anything for Christmas,
46:26so don't start moaning, right?
46:29But...
46:31happy Christmas, anyway.
46:34Oh...
46:37Oh, thank you.
46:41I don't know what... I mean, I was...
46:44Aw!
46:47Will you go buy me a new watch for...
46:50Well, you can throw that other thing away and stop trying to guess the time.
46:54Oh, dear.
46:56Oh, dear.
46:58Oh, dear.
47:00Oh, dear.
47:02Oh, dear.
47:04Oh, dear.
47:06Oh, dear.
47:09Well, I suppose I might as well confess.
47:11What's that?
47:13I've done the same thing.
47:25I bought myself a new watch as well.
47:34I'm sorry, but we did. I mean, didn't we?
47:40Yes. Yes, we did.
47:45Right.
47:47Um, I think I'll turn in now. I don't know about you.
47:50Yes, I need to stay up for an hour.
48:20Okay.
48:50Have a great day. Have a great night.
49:20Bye.
49:50There we are, Ted. There's two more to come from upstairs, and that's the lot. Can you
50:15see this picture?
50:16Yes, thanks.
50:17Oh, God. We've had some Christmases, but this must rank as the most depressing ever.
50:26Yes. Hasn't been very lucky for you, has it? But then for others, of course, it's been
50:31a different story. You heard about that woman's husband, the one that works in your local
50:36video store?
50:37Mm.
50:38Oh, yes, yes, that was terrible. Compared to a tragedy like that, Ted, we all...
50:42No, no, no, no, no. Since then. Oh, you haven't heard?
50:46Heard what?
50:47Well, he came back the night before last.
50:50What are you talking about?
50:52Well, apparently, when he left the other week, he took an early flight out to Germany or
51:00wherever, parked at the airport, and someone stole his car, went out joyriding in it, and
51:08hit a petrol tanker, and the whole lot went up. Naturally, they thought it was his body.
51:14And, of course, with the phones being down all week, he couldn't phone home or anything,
51:19so... Can you imagine? After all that poor girl's been through, suddenly just turning
51:27up on the doorstep again like that. Oh, newberry fruits.
51:39Melville! Have a nice Christmas?
51:43Ah, well, I'm not sorry it's over, I suppose. How about you?
51:47Quite fun, wasn't it, love? Quite fun. On Christmas Day, especially.
51:52Oh, yes, how is your father? All right? I suppose he's glad to be short of it all. Characters like that one.
51:58Oh, he's fine. Seen worse than that over the years.
52:01Once he'd had his turkey and Christmas pudding, he was fine. We were fine. Everything was fine.
52:07Until the moment came for us to present him with his bottle of Chateau Cheverny Mercer.
52:13If you can cast your mind back, Mr. Meldrew, this was the bottle of extremely rare vintage
52:19plonk which we paid £850 for. 850 smackeroos of hard-earned cash. Do you remember?
52:29Imagine, then, our not unnatural surprise when, just as we were delicately sliding the 1924 classic
52:36from its box, the cork suddenly took it upon itself to fly unsolicited up my father-in-law's nose
52:44on something closely resembling carbonated cat's urine dribbling down the sides of the bottle.
52:58Actually, what happened, in fact... Still, we can't stand around here chatting all day.
53:02Come here, Mr. Meldrew. You'd better wave goodbye to your garden gnomes.
53:05Actually, I think there's still a couple to come from upstairs before we...
53:09No, no, I was telling you. You'd better wave goodbye to your garden gnomes. Darling?
53:29Right, I think we can hand it in now.
53:32Happy New Year, Mr. Meldrew.
53:40That was from Great Aunt Joyce. I told her it had virtually cleared up, but her hearing's not too good.
53:46Has he taken them? What was all that racket a little while ago?
53:49Oh, nothing very much. The truck backfired a bit, that's all.
53:55I heard smashing noises. I thought that tree had finally gone over into Mrs. Elmsbury's.
53:59It was looking very wonky when I went out there. Do you want a cup of tea?
54:03Well, as we're probably out of strychnine, it'll have to be PG tips.
54:39Looks like you've got a tree in the house after all, then.