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Short filmTranscript
00:00Unbelievable. I mean, look at that. Wondering about his bedroom without a stitch on.
00:27I think it was the day he was born. Talk about being an exhibitionist.
00:35I thought he had one of those balloon animals tied to his waist.
00:41Well, they've made a complete pig's breakfast of that new shower, as I knew they would.
00:46Takes you half an hour to get the right temperature, and then, you so much as flush the loo, it turns into a blast furnace.
00:54And I thought we'd bought those glasses for Ronnie's birthday when you've quite finished steaming up the lenses.
01:00I haven't finished wrapping them yet for Thursday, so mind what you're doing.
01:07What did I just say?
01:16Might as well talk to a tin of spam.
01:18What time's your appointment with the dentist this morning?
01:2111.30.
01:22Thank God for that. I've seen enough of those temporary crowns to last me a lifetime.
01:29It's like being kissed goodnight by Bugs Bunny.
01:34Was there anything in the post, by the way, about that job?
01:37Just the phone bill, and a letter from Reader's Digest saying we'll both become millionaires.
01:43I suppose I'll get it anyway for one... Oh, hang on.
01:46He's got one of those little trampoline things out now.
01:50Surely he's going to put some underpants on us when he starts posing.
01:55And look at that.
02:01I don't think I can watch much more of this. I really don't.
02:17Morning, Mrs Beldrew.
02:20Not quite so breezy out here now, is it?
02:26Morning, Mr Cerny.
02:30Your mother's still into her fly-fishing then?
02:33There'll be another five-minute wonder, I expect.
02:36There's part of you who wants to try and drum it into her.
02:38We don't live in that big house by the river anymore. It was ten years ago.
02:42Still, it gives her pleasure.
02:45Seems a shame to shatter her illusions.
02:47That's right.
02:51It certainly doesn't make things easy.
02:53Of course, we've got the nurse now. Pops round three times a week.
02:56She's an absolute godsend, I must say.
03:04Oh, incidentally, there's something I've been meaning to ask you, Mrs Beldrew.
03:07We're holding a sponsored silly walk for dialysis at the end of the week.
03:11I couldn't get you to sign my form for, say, 5p a mile, if it's not being too cheeky?
03:16Of course, I'd be glad to.
03:18That's very kind of you. I'll pop in round late...
03:21Good morning, Nick. How are you?
03:23Hello, Tanya. Very well indeed, thank you.
03:26Good. That's the ticket then, isn't it?
03:32Right.
03:34We'll sort the other out then, later on.
03:37Yes.
03:39Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bye-bye, Mrs Mowgli.
03:42Bye, Mr Sweeney.
03:44DOORBELL RINGS
04:02GASPS
04:09SCREAMS
04:14I don't think it's serious. He was only in there a couple of seconds.
04:18But if you could just give us your professional opinion...
04:25Victor, Mrs Tanya, the nurse who looks after Mrs Sweeney next door.
04:30Hi, Mr Meldrew. How's it feel?
04:33Still burning like Billy-ho, I bet.
04:35Now, don't flinch. I'm just going to take a little look at this.
04:39Oh, what is it?
04:41I didn't know you could buy these ready-minted.
04:44I didn't either.
04:46Well, you can. Really?
04:48And I think Tesco's do their version.
04:51But I've never seen them in Sainsbury's.
04:54Yes, and excuse me, what about my back?
04:57Will I need a skin graft or what?
05:00Nothing like that, Mr Meldrew.
05:02Your bottom half's a bit red, that's all.
05:05What I'll do is I'll dab a little something on to stop the stinging
05:08and you should be fine.
05:11Oh.
05:14Oh. Ah.
05:16Right.
05:18Well, I'll leave you and the singing detective here to it.
05:27Oh. Ah. Oh.
05:29PHONE RINGS
05:344291?
05:36Oh, speaking.
05:38Oh. Right.
05:40Yes.
05:42No. Right.
05:44Thank you for letting me know. Bye.
05:47Bad news?
05:49Oh, just a job I went up for last week driving a baker's van.
05:52Had about as much chance of becoming cheap rabbi.
05:56Ah.
06:03Mrs Meldrew, I brought that form for you to fill in for Friday
06:06if you're still interested. Oh, yes, of course.
06:09Right, where are we?
06:11How's Mr Meldrew up there? Still suffering?
06:14Not as much as I would have liked, no.
06:17Ah, let's be reckless and say 20p.
06:20Oh, thank you. Very much indeed.
06:23Fine. That's me off now, I think.
06:27Perhaps get quite sweet somewhere.
06:29Oh, right. Actually, I was thinking of popping out for some lunch myself
06:33in a minute or two. Really?
06:35Yeah. Erm...
06:41Fine.
06:43Well, er, hope you find somewhere nice.
06:45Yes, you too. Yes.
06:48And I'll see you Wednesday, I expect.
06:52Bye, Mrs Meldrew. Oh, bye, Tanya. Thank you very much.
06:55Bye, Tanya. Bye-bye. Bye, Tanya.
06:58DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
07:02Christos Sweeney!
07:04Sorry?
07:06Are you blind?
07:08She was dying for you to ask her out.
07:11When?
07:13Oh, no, I'm afraid I'm not in her league, someone like that.
07:17Don't be utterly ridiculous.
07:19She was just desperate for you to make the first move, that's all.
07:23Well, I'd love to believe that, Mrs Meldrew, but...
07:26life's never that wonderful, is it?
07:28Anyway, thanks for the sponsorship and everything.
07:31I'll let you know how we get on. I've got to rush now. Bye.
07:47You were a long while. How are they looking?
07:50Very good.
07:52Except for the X-ray of this dodgy one down at the bottom.
07:55I've got to go back on Friday now for an extraction.
07:58I think I've got most of the things on the shopping list.
08:02It took me ages to find this bloody Polish sherry.
08:05I had to go to ten different shops.
08:07MACHINE BEEPS
08:12Polish sherry?
08:16OK, hang on a second.
08:19Yes.
08:21Understand that?
08:26Oh, Polish could bloody well keep it.
08:33Oh, and he's forgotten to get my polish.
08:36I wrote it down plainly enough.
08:38Thanks. Bye.
08:42That was an interesting one.
08:44A call from a chap who'd heard I was looking for some work as a driver.
08:48Lewis Atterbury.
08:49Lives in one of those new houses out near Cobblesham by that big military base.
08:53He said if I wanted to pop round this afternoon,
08:56he might be able to put some work my way.
08:58So that sounds quite hopeful, doesn't it?
09:04What?
09:08Polish sherry?
09:15What?
09:20As I say, it'll mainly be a case of running me into the office.
09:23Volunteer meetings out of town occasionally.
09:25Plus any other errands, of course, which crop up as and when.
09:29How's it feeling, by the way?
09:31Oh, it's a good fit, surprisingly.
09:33Yes, it's a good fit.
09:35Thank you, Mr Atterbury.
09:38Come on, Lewis. I can't abide formalities.
09:41Come in, Lewis. I can't abide formalities.
09:44Now, time, I think, to introduce you to my three children.
09:50Oh, right.
09:52Very nice.
09:54Very nice, Victor, are not words we use to describe these three pieces of machinery.
09:59They are the holy trinity of internal combustion.
10:03As you'll discover when you get behind the wheel.
10:11Sorry about the mess.
10:13My girlfriend and I were to run a wild party in Oxfordshire on Sunday night.
10:17Oh, right.
10:21So I see.
10:26Riding along in my automobile
10:29My baby beside me at the wheel
10:33I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile
10:36My curiosity running wild
10:40Losing and playing the radio
10:43With no particular place to go
11:03No particular place to go
11:06I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile
11:09My curiosity running wild
11:12Losing and playing the radio
11:15With no particular place to go
11:36LAUGHTER
12:06LAUGHTER
12:12Bloody rugby players.
12:14You're lucky you've still got a job at all the way you carry on.
12:18Picking fights with every single person you meet.
12:21I do not pick fights with every person I meet.
12:24No. That's why that man in the pub snapped off both your front teeth the other week.
12:29Like a protective tab on a videocassette.
12:32All over a packet of cheese and onion crisps.
12:37I'll either have to get a bigger hat, I've my head taken in.
12:4312.13, I'll have to move. I've got to be at the airport at four.
12:47Oh, where's he going today?
12:49Nowhere. His parents are going down from Scotland for the weekend, so he wants me to pick them up.
12:53You haven't forgotten, we're going to Ronnie and Mildred's tonight.
12:56I try to forget we're going to Ronnie and Mildred's tonight, like you try to forget you're going to die, but it doesn't work.
13:03I wonder what hideous novelties they'll have brought back from their holidays this year.
13:07Another souvenir photograph printed in the back of a lavatory seat.
13:11I need that here sometimes.
13:13She'd ironed me up earlier, in a bit of a state, because the builders still haven't finished.
13:17You know, they're having all that foundation work done on their extension.
13:20Oh, I was silly enough to let slip that I wasn't doing anything this afternoon,
13:24so she's invited me over beforehand to give her a hand with the food.
13:28You can make sure the chicken soup doesn't have feathers in it this time.
13:31I'll see you there at seven, right?
13:33Yes, bye.
13:43Anyone in?
13:44Hello.
13:45I can't stop long, I've got to bury Auntie Sis at half-past, but I just wanted to say...
13:49That was sudden, when did she die?
13:51Oh, Saturday afternoon, yeah, she was attacked by an albatross in a hot air balloon.
13:56A bit nasty, I'm afraid.
13:58She fell out the basket and landed on a tennis court in Droitwich,
14:01right in the middle of a tie-break.
14:03Oh!
14:04Yeah, a player had to be suspended for half an hour while they disentangled her from the net,
14:08so a bit of an undignified exit, really, for the poor old soul.
14:11But, no, actually, I wanted to thank you for the other day.
14:14You know what you said about Tanya and everything?
14:16Only, I gave her a ring last night,
14:18asked if she'd like to join us on Friday for the sponsored silly walk,
14:21and I couldn't believe it, she said yes, she'd love to.
14:24I mean, yeah, I know it doesn't mean anything itself,
14:27but, well, anyway, I just wanted you to know.
14:30What did I tell you? Now, this could be your big chance, make sure you don't blow it.
14:33Yeah.
14:34Well, I'll keep you posted anyway, and, um, thanks.
14:49Mmm.
14:50This Polish sherry is rather delicious.
14:55Mmm.
14:56Mildred?
14:57Oh, thank you.
15:01Ooh, yes.
15:03Where did you get it, Margaret?
15:04We'll have to stock up.
15:06I'm not sure.
15:08We'd better ask Victor when he gets here.
15:10These are just slots, aren't they?
15:11I'll put them in your bin.
15:15Don't try and go in there, Margaret, you'll break your neck.
15:18Yes, it should break her neck, Mildred.
15:20It's a ten-foot drop.
15:23Two months now they've been digging.
15:25I think we were better off with the subsidence.
15:29Perhaps I'll just put them down a little.
15:32What time are we expecting your hubby, Margaret?
15:34Oh, I said about seven, all being well.
15:37He's got to collect some people from the airport.
15:40Oh, I hope he doesn't hurry here and have an accident.
15:45Oh, don't imagine things, Mildred.
15:49Mildred.
15:53So, you come and stay with your son very often, then?
15:57Three or four times a year, I suppose, on average.
16:00And the traffic on that ring road never seems to get any better.
16:04I'm just wondering if we shouldn't just drop these too often
16:07and go straight to the restaurant.
16:09I tend to agree.
16:10Do you know a big hotel near here called Abbey Grange?
16:13Oh, yes.
16:14You don't want to risk losing that table tonight, of all nights.
16:16What, a special occasion, is it, or...?
16:18My anniversary, actually.
16:19Oh, congratulations.
16:21I had hoped he might persuade Lewis to join us for once.
16:25I don't think so.
16:27No, you're right.
16:29Not as if he's already out.
16:31Sowing his oats again, as usual.
16:34Shh, shh, shh. They're here.
16:36Come on, everybody.
16:37In the conservatory. Come on, come on.
16:39Come on, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.
16:42Excellent.
16:43Come on.
16:44Hurry.
16:45Hide your way through.
16:47Everybody in front, go on.
16:48Go on, you're not here to enjoy yourself.
16:50Quick.
16:54I want total silence from everybody.
16:56I don't want to hear a word out of any of you.
17:21PHONE RINGS
17:24Knock, knock, knock, knock.
17:26No, you don't.
17:36Just you behave yourselves.
17:46Hello?
17:48Hello?
18:08Thank you very much.
18:10We meet a man that fought all this time.
18:12I'm sorry.
18:13They asked me to take them on to this restaurant.
18:15And I've got to go back and collect them.
18:17They're around 12.
18:18So, I don't fancy leaving this out in the open.
18:21After what happened to the last one.
18:26Everything all right out there?
18:28He's just going to properly stay out of his car in your garage for a few hours.
18:31That's all right.
18:37He hasn't got a car!
18:46I do believe it!
19:04I wouldn't worry about it, Victor.
19:06Our son is a very tolerant and understanding person.
19:10Just pray he's gone to bed early.
19:13Yes.
19:22On the other hand...
19:27Still, look at it on the bright side.
19:29The breakdown people managed to haul it out
19:31without making hardly a scratch on the front.
19:34So...
19:36Just excuse me a moment.
19:51Darling!
19:55Put that down.
19:57I can't do it.
19:59I can't do it.
20:01I can't do it.
20:04Put that down.
20:07Oh, come on.
20:09Look, it's very late.
20:12We're all very tired.
20:14So, don't do anything silly, all right?
20:17When you told me this man wanted a job,
20:19you didn't tell me it was a demolition expert.
20:22Why don't you just go to bed?
20:24Have a good night's sleep.
20:25We'll talk to the insurance people in the morning.
20:36I didn't realise, actually, it was you that had...
20:39Yes.
20:41Not to worry, Mr Meldrew.
20:43I mean, all is not lost.
20:45We've still got the jag left.
20:54Yes, I've just dropped him off at the bank
20:56and now I'm on my way to the dentist.
20:58So it's all working out quite...
21:00Sorry? What?
21:02No, not at all. He seems fine.
21:05Surprisingly.
21:07I don't know what she said to him last night.
21:10Or did.
21:12No sign of any footprints in the windscreen this morning.
21:17Right, yes.
21:19Well, good luck with your appointment.
21:22Yes.
21:24And I'll see you later. Bye.
21:27Bye.
21:42Afternoon, Mrs Meldrew. Are you well?
21:45Yes, thank you, Mr Sweeney.
21:47Are you all ready for the off then?
21:49Yes, yes.
21:51A 3.30 start outside St Luke's, just round the corner.
21:53Tanya said she'd meet me there, so I'd...
21:55About Tanya.
21:57And I've got everything planned for this evening.
21:59I managed to get two tickets for that new Eddie Murphy film.
22:02And afterwards I thought she might like to go to this nice little Italian restaurant.
22:06Yes, Mr Sweeney.
22:08I'm afraid Victor and I ran into Tanya.
22:13Last night, actually.
22:16It was at this big party.
22:19At someone's house.
22:21And she was there with...
22:24Yes, right.
22:26I see.
22:28Thank you, Mrs Meldrew. I understand.
22:30I'm sorry, Mr Sweeney. I didn't...
22:33No, no, no. It's, um...
22:36Well, thanks for your help anyway.
22:39I feel so awful.
22:42Especially after we...
22:45I mean...
22:47You were right.
22:49Yeah.
22:51Well, I'll see you later.
23:01Life's never that wonderful.
23:09Karen, could you just give me a quick hand with this thing, please?
23:12OK.
23:20Sorry about that, Mr Meldrew.
23:22Our equipment's all blowing up this morning.
23:24You can close it now. You're all done with.
23:27I should keep the cotton wool plug in there for about half an hour.
23:30Any minor pain once the numbing wears off, just take a couple of aspirin.
23:33Mm-hm.
23:38Mm-hm.
23:40No, no, the quality has to be good.
23:42I mean, it's...
23:44I mean, it's...
23:47No, no, the car appears to be sitting in one piece.
23:50Not for the moment, but, uh...
23:53Yeah, OK, I will. Bye.
23:57How's the tooth feeling, by the way?
23:59My jaw seems to be throbbing quite a lot for some reason.
24:02Yeah, don't take your eyes off the road.
24:04No, sorry. I was just...
24:06I wonder if I can get rid of this thing now.
24:09I might...
24:12Ah! Oh, my God!
24:14Oh, my God, almighty!
24:16Lewis! What's it doing? What was that?
24:18Er...
24:23Oh, my God!
24:28What is that thing?
24:30It's... It's me in the car.
24:32Lewis.
24:37My spleen! My spleen!
24:39Oh, no!
24:41Oh, God!
25:08Sorry about that.
25:11Oh, my God!
25:20I think this time we've been lucky, actually.
25:23I can't see any damage, can you?
25:41Oh, my God!