One Foot In The Grave S04 E07 - One Foot in the Algarve
Transcript
00:01:30Oh!
00:01:56Hello, Edison's office, please.
00:01:58Well, tell him it's Martin Trout, then he may not be quite so busy.
00:02:03Hello? Yeah, I've got it. Yeah, the lot, the works.
00:02:06Him and her together, yeah.
00:02:09No, no, by the pool at her place in the country.
00:02:12Yeah. Tongues in a reef knot.
00:02:15Yeah, at one point, it was his tongue and nose.
00:02:20Yes. Look, this is thermonuclear.
00:02:24Profumo doesn't come into it.
00:02:27My battery's going a bit low, so I'll give you a buzz back when I get to Victoria.
00:02:32OK? Bye.
00:02:41Sorry about this.
00:02:43Please. No, it must be in here somewhere.
00:02:45Oh.
00:02:49Anyway, you well?
00:02:53I must have slipped a hole in the line.
00:02:56Here, cheer up. I deserve myself 100,000 quid.
00:02:59Ha-ha.
00:03:01Oh, that's a sight, isn't it?
00:03:09What do you mean, 80? 80 nothing.
00:03:11You agreed 100 sight unseen.
00:03:13100 if the story checked out.
00:03:16Don't mess me around, John.
00:03:18Look, I am holding in my hand a little stick of dynamite
00:03:22that will blow this country apart.
00:03:25Look, if you're not interested, I have a little phone number in Wapping.
00:03:30I'm sure they...
00:03:32Yes, that's your line.
00:03:34Hello! Can you put me through to your customer complaints department, please?
00:03:38I'll get a cab right away.
00:03:40Yeah, on your desk in...
00:03:42Public relations department. Sorry, I couldn't quite...
00:03:44No, no, no, I don't want personal.
00:03:46I want to talk to someone. I want to complain about one of your products.
00:03:48I can come to you directly or...
00:03:50Yes. Yes, that means now.
00:03:52Hang on a second. Hello? Hello?
00:03:54Yes, they were.
00:03:5655 bloody pounds they cost me.
00:03:5855!
00:04:00Put them on brand new this morning to go on holiday and what happens?
00:04:02I'll show you what bloody well happens.
00:04:04You hear that?
00:04:08You hear that?
00:04:10They're talking about throwing a dead halibut at your foot.
00:04:12I have never in all my life
00:04:14known such shoddy, bloody...
00:04:16Who are you?
00:04:18Superman's grandad.
00:04:20I can't hear myself speaking.
00:04:22You're shrieking about like a rutted gibbon.
00:04:24Shrieking? Who the hell's shrieking?
00:04:26Who's shrieking?
00:04:28A hand grenade could go off in your mouth and no one would hear it.
00:04:30For God's sake, show some consideration
00:04:32to the rest of the human race
00:04:34and shut your bleeding trap.
00:04:36Are you quite finished?
00:04:38No. Your socks are too loud as well.
00:04:40Here I am,
00:04:42trying to make an important phone call.
00:04:44Oi!
00:04:46Can't you see this booth is occupied?
00:04:48You're trying to access my Mercury facility
00:04:50and use my...
00:04:52There was no one here. What was I supposed to...
00:04:54Oh!
00:04:56Hello.
00:04:58Hello. Are you still there?
00:05:00Yes. Well, I can tell you now
00:05:02you haven't heard the end of this.
00:05:06Who are you phoning anyway?
00:05:08Oh, it doesn't matter.
00:05:10I forgot to cancel a Sunday paper. That's all.
00:05:12Margaret!
00:05:14Mr. Moundrell!
00:05:16We're going to miss it!
00:05:18Yes! Coming!
00:05:24Some of them cancel the Sunday papers.
00:05:26The sordid crap they keep
00:05:28filling them with.
00:05:30They'll need to get away from them for a couple of weeks.
00:05:34Yeah, sorry about that.
00:05:36Some goon shooting his mouth off
00:05:3890 to the dozen. Now, what was I saying?
00:05:40Oh, yeah. If I bring
00:05:42the roll of film round to you...
00:05:46Roll of film?
00:05:48Roll of film.
00:05:50Ah!
00:06:14A Portuguese pen press.
00:06:16I bet that's fun.
00:06:18Of course, his English
00:06:20is a bit better than my Portuguese.
00:06:22We've been writing to each other for
00:06:2413 years, it must be now,
00:06:26but never got round to meeting.
00:06:28The engines have stopped.
00:06:30Why have they done that?
00:06:32Just completely cut out altogether.
00:06:34And then, a couple of years ago,
00:06:36he lost his wife,
00:06:38and I recently got divorced,
00:06:40and we both thought it was a good chance
00:06:42to take the plunge.
00:06:44Might have a venture for you.
00:06:46What is it now?
00:06:48I just overheard one of those stewardesses whispering to her colleague,
00:06:50we're all doomed.
00:06:52You went by just then.
00:06:56I didn't know when I was panicking.
00:06:58Of course, I'd be a bit nervous
00:07:00about going over there on my own,
00:07:02so the three of us decided to rent a little
00:07:04villa and have a bit of a holiday
00:07:06for a couple of weeks.
00:07:08Who was that? Who heard that just then?
00:07:10Oh, Sparrows.
00:07:12That noise, like the sound of a wing coming loose.
00:07:14There'll be the sound of someone
00:07:16being hit over the head with a bottle of duty-free scotch
00:07:18in a minute.
00:07:20For God's sake, give over and try going to sleep or something.
00:07:22How can I go to sleep with all this turbulence?
00:07:24How can we have turbulence?
00:07:26We haven't left the bloody runway yet.
00:07:28This is amazing.
00:07:30It'll be a hundred times worse once we're in the air.
00:07:44MUSIC SWELLS
00:07:58LAUGHTER
00:08:10Oh, I'll be jiggered.
00:08:12What's that? A gear lever.
00:08:14I've been here all the time,
00:08:16just staring us in the face.
00:08:18I wonder if we could use it at all
00:08:20to get to our villa before the dawn of the next Ice Age.
00:08:24I can't drive fast, Mr Meltrew.
00:08:28Not on these narrow mountain roads.
00:08:30Fast?
00:08:32Did they exactly crash with the sound barrier
00:08:34in that Duke carriageway in Lisbon, did we?
00:08:36I mean, that was the ultimate
00:08:38insulting overtake by two blokes
00:08:40in a transit van.
00:08:44Still, it's nice to know that in temperatures of 100 degrees,
00:08:46the car rental firm
00:08:48has thoughtfully provided us with this, isn't it?
00:08:50I mean, don't they speak English
00:08:52at that place, for goodness' sake?
00:08:54Presumably not, as they're all Portuguese.
00:08:56Yes, everyone else may be
00:08:58melting to death in the roads,
00:09:00but not us, because we have a car
00:09:02with hair conditioner.
00:09:04I mean, what in the name of sanity
00:09:06did they think we wanted it for?
00:09:08Are you sure the roof rack was more shiny and manageable?
00:09:12Put a lid on it.
00:09:14We're supposed to be on holiday.
00:09:16Just stop moaning
00:09:18and enjoy the scenery.
00:09:24If I'm going to get to that villa tonight
00:09:26with Nigel Mansell here, then we'll visit it.
00:09:28I don't think we'll ever get there.
00:09:38We were just saying
00:09:40whether it's wise
00:09:42to go any further before morning.
00:09:44Jean's dog tired.
00:09:46I could do with some shut-eye.
00:09:48I wonder if they do rooms here
00:09:50for the night.
00:09:52Well, I suppose they must do.
00:09:54Why don't I go and ask?
00:09:56I mean, they're just used by Portuguese.
00:10:00Well, a fine start
00:10:02this has been to the proceedings.
00:10:04Christ, whenever we go anywhere,
00:10:06it's just one hideous catastrophe
00:10:08after another.
00:10:28Here we are.
00:10:30All sorted, apparently.
00:10:32I said 5,000 euros be a fair price.
00:10:34He seemed very happy, so
00:10:36I gather he's got a room to show you first,
00:10:38Mrs. Warboy. See if it's to your liking.
00:10:40I get first pick, do I?
00:10:44Hello.
00:10:46I go with you?
00:10:48You look like a very hot lady.
00:10:50Oh, yes.
00:10:52I'm not used to your climate, I'm afraid.
00:10:56I just hope,
00:10:58for your sake, this villa is up to scratch
00:11:00when we finally get there.
00:11:02Said all along
00:11:04we should get a place from a proper holiday firm,
00:11:06not a classified ad
00:11:08in zit magazines.
00:11:10I suggest you have a bit of faith, sir.
00:11:12It was a charming little villa that would suit
00:11:14any couple down to the ground.
00:11:16I'd have a bit of faith if the photograph they sent
00:11:18hadn't been touched up with Chipex.
00:11:20Held it up to the light, I swear I could see a condemned sign underneath.
00:11:22Well, I'm telling you now,
00:11:24if we get to this place and...
00:11:28Julie!
00:11:32We have no time! What's the matter?
00:11:38Dead man!
00:11:42Whatever did you say to him,
00:11:44Mr. Meldrew?
00:11:46I'm sorry, Mrs. Marlowe.
00:11:48He wants me to...
00:11:50He wanted you to what?
00:11:52Gene?
00:11:54Something beginning with H.
00:11:56Oh, no!
00:12:00Something beginning with H.
00:12:10Congratulations!
00:12:12I don't believe it!
00:12:16Give me a chance
00:12:18to try out my Portuguese.
00:12:20You never, ever learn, do you?
00:12:22It wasn't my fault.
00:12:24It wasn't my fault.
00:12:26He just got the wrong end of the stick.
00:12:28That's nothing to what Gene nearly
00:12:30got the wrong end of!
00:12:32That woman is having nightmares now
00:12:34every time she sees a zip!
00:12:36Where are you going?
00:12:38Watch your speed!
00:12:40Oh, I don't believe it.
00:12:42That's all we need.
00:12:44Watch it.
00:12:54SIREN WAILS
00:13:20I'm very sorry. I didn't realize.
00:13:22It's just a bit of a...
00:13:24Someone very nearly assaulted our friend.
00:13:26Yes, he wanted her to do something
00:13:28beginning with H, apparently.
00:13:30What was that?
00:13:32You whack it out.
00:13:36I'm sorry?
00:13:42We've run our way to a holiday villa.
00:13:52Let's go. My colleague will follow you.
00:13:54You come with me.
00:14:16Ladies and gentlemen, please leave.
00:14:18Leave!
00:14:20This is where I'm going to stay.
00:14:32It looks like it's empty.
00:14:34Let's try the other rooms.
00:14:36Look, if it's about what happened at that pub,
00:14:38we didn't mean to cause any trouble.
00:14:40If you could just leave it at this time,
00:14:42there aren't anybody who's been seen here.
00:14:44And in the future,
00:14:46be more careful.
00:14:48If you're going to sleep here,
00:14:50keep the door shut.
00:14:52The rats can get very hungry at night.
00:15:18Oh, God.
00:15:48What time is it?
00:15:50My watch has stopped.
00:15:52Half past five in the afternoon.
00:15:56Eighteen hours.
00:15:58Not a thing to eat.
00:16:00Can't even have a bath.
00:16:06Sixty years old
00:16:08I'll be next month.
00:16:12Sixty years
00:16:14of waiting
00:16:16for something nice to happen.
00:16:20Will you let us out of here?
00:16:22We haven't done anything wrong.
00:16:24Hello? Hello?
00:16:26Can you hear me out there or what?
00:16:28Hello?
00:16:34Realise now
00:16:36that's the only thing
00:16:38that's kept me going.
00:16:40The hope that one day
00:16:42might be different.
00:16:44That one day
00:16:46I suppose it was being over-romantic
00:16:48I could go
00:16:50on a nice holiday to Portugal
00:16:52and come home
00:16:54again afterwards
00:16:56instead of being left
00:16:58to rot to death in a set
00:17:00of Midnight Express
00:17:02charged with
00:17:04geriatric pimping.
00:17:08Pretty leg muscles starting now.
00:17:10Need to stretch my legs I think.
00:17:12Yes.
00:17:16Well I'm sure there'll be plenty of time
00:17:18for that when they put us on the rack.
00:17:20My God you're not serious?
00:17:22Is it still legal to
00:17:24grot people over here?
00:17:26Well let's hope so.
00:17:34I can't believe I let you
00:17:36take us to that thing. It was so cruel.
00:17:38It was like something out of Roman times.
00:17:40How can you say it was cruel?
00:17:42The matador is in no real danger.
00:17:44If the bull gets too close
00:17:46they stab it to death with swords.
00:17:48How can it be cruel?
00:17:50It's cruel to the bull.
00:17:52Cruel to the bull? Man whose side are you on?
00:17:54We're on the side of decency and human compassion
00:17:56that is what happens.
00:17:58Oh right. Of course I forgot.
00:18:00My son the compassionate wrote to it
00:18:02with no thirst for blood.
00:18:04Can you wonder that he lost 11 of his last 12 fights?
00:18:06Does that surprise anyone in this car?
00:18:08I had a run of bad luck.
00:18:10That's all it was.
00:18:12No. The reason is
00:18:14you want to know the reason?
00:18:16It's because you haven't got the killer instinct.
00:18:1835 years in this business I think I know
00:18:20what the game's about.
00:18:22It's about hate.
00:18:24You have to hate the person.
00:18:26You have to physically want to beat the living crap
00:18:28out of the man you're boxing.
00:18:30What it's not about
00:18:32is stopping halfway through round five
00:18:34and inquiring about his mother's arthritis.
00:18:38Before this holiday is over
00:18:40we're going to work on this attitude problem of yours.
00:18:42If I can make you dislike
00:18:44just one person
00:18:46to bring out that hidden aggression
00:18:48it may just give me hope for your future.
00:18:50Look, how many times Dad?
00:18:52I don't have any hidden aggression
00:18:54because I never let people upset me.
00:18:56See? Look at me.
00:18:58I'm Mr. Cool which is something you should try sometime.
00:19:00You might live a bit longer.
00:19:04Do you believe it?
00:19:06What's that?
00:19:08That manky old dump across the road.
00:19:10You know, the one the travel agent said
00:19:12was only being held together by cockroach droppings.
00:19:14What about it?
00:19:16There's a car outside.
00:19:18Must belong to them demolition people.
00:19:20No, look. The suitcase is on the roof.
00:19:22My God.
00:19:24Do you know, I think we should get going.
00:19:26I don't want to be late.
00:19:28I don't want to be late.
00:19:30I don't want to be late.
00:19:32My God.
00:19:34Do you know, I think they've actually conned someone into staying there.
00:19:36Must be some serious brain damage.
00:19:42You bastard!
00:19:46You see what the European Court of Human Rights
00:19:48has to say about this?
00:19:50Because I'm not letting it rest here matey
00:19:52and don't think I am.
00:19:54Too weak and stinging so do we.
00:19:56You haven't got the centre of us yet.
00:20:02I don't want to be late.
00:20:32I think I can just reach one of them.
00:20:42Got it!
00:20:44Oh, I knew it!
00:20:46There.
00:20:50What's this?
00:20:52A lemon.
00:20:54Is that all there is Mr Meldrum?
00:20:56All there...
00:20:58No, wait.
00:21:00Here you can see a string of bratwurst sausages
00:21:02destroying me up nicely at the next branch.
00:21:04Of course it's all there is.
00:21:06It's a bloody lemon tree.
00:21:08What else do you expect to find on it?
00:21:10We haven't eaten in two days.
00:21:12Get it here.
00:21:16I suppose there's no sign of life out there still.
00:21:20Can't make it out.
00:21:22There's no officers, no vehicles.
00:21:24The place is as quiet as a graveyard.
00:21:26Can't see much through these trees at all
00:21:28if it comes to that.
00:21:30I can just make out a sign on the gate.
00:21:32Something...
00:21:34Da...
00:21:36Queimada.
00:21:38A police station, is that?
00:21:40And some chickens.
00:21:42I mean...
00:21:44It can't be so remote.
00:21:46There's no one on duty in the whole...
00:21:48Mr Meldrum.
00:22:10Oh!
00:22:12Oh!
00:22:14Oh!
00:22:16What did you do?
00:22:18I let you unlock it.
00:22:20I didn't unlock it.
00:22:22I...
00:22:24It wasn't locked.
00:22:26It was never locked.
00:22:28It was just a bit stiff.
00:22:30God! Haven't you worked it out yet?
00:22:32Worked what out?
00:22:34Rua da Queimada.
00:22:36Doesn't that ring any bells?
00:22:42This is our villa.
00:22:46Huh?
00:22:50What is it, police?
00:22:52I showed them the address. Don't you remember?
00:22:54We thought they were arresting us.
00:22:56They were just bringing us to the house.
00:22:58That other officer must have picked up the keys on the way from...
00:23:0036 hours!
00:23:02We've spent
00:23:04wallowing in our own
00:23:06filth-sucking lemons.
00:23:08A charming villa to suit any couple.
00:23:10Such as who?
00:23:12Bill Sykes and Nancy?
00:23:14By the looks of it,
00:23:16we'll be lucky if it's got a bloody roof.
00:23:26I have.
00:23:28I have.
00:23:30Don't
00:23:32be
00:23:33pleased.
00:23:45Mr. House was on the coast
00:23:47but the hands of it focused on life.
00:23:49Mr. House once ran the line.
00:23:51Mr. House heard many shots.
00:23:53Now she travels in the dark
00:23:55and that's the way of the life
00:23:57in the world.
00:23:59Ain't gonna leave this house no more.
00:24:01Ain't gonna leave this house no more.
00:24:03Ain't got time to fix the chain.
00:24:05Ain't got time to fix the floor.
00:24:07Ain't got time
00:24:09on the page.
00:24:11Ain't got time on the page.
00:24:13Ain't gonna leave this house no longer.
00:24:15She's the girl of the house.
00:24:25Mr. House's heart is shaking.
00:24:27Mr. House is scared.
00:24:29Mr. House is scared.
00:24:31Mr. House
00:24:33is in the cold.
00:24:35I'm getting chilly
00:24:37but I feel no pain.
00:24:39All I see is your feet
00:24:41through the broken window.
00:24:43Ain't gonna leave this house no more.
00:24:45Ain't gonna leave this house no more.
00:24:47Ain't got time
00:24:49on the page.
00:24:51Ain't got time on the page.
00:24:53Ain't got time on the page.
00:25:05I know.
00:25:07Anyway,
00:25:09we're over the worst now hopefully. so yes 6.30 and looking forward to meeting
00:25:18you in the flesh at long last. see you then Afonso. bye.
00:25:39I suppose this new aftershave is gonna be launched on the public again today
00:25:42like chemical warfare is it? I'll be putting it on in just a second yes.
00:25:47well it makes you smell like a donkey. I don't think I'm gonna risk this bed linen.
00:25:54just as well we brought some of our own. did you bring that other case? oh there it is.
00:25:57I don't know where you get that from. I mean I'm hardly likely to pay three
00:26:02pounds forty seven for an aftershave that makes me smell like a donkey am I?
00:26:06very good aftershave. I don't know why you've got such a downer on it.
00:26:11oh fuck. I'm crying out loud. I thought you were supposed to have emptied all this when you brought the case down.
00:26:30have you taken it out? I said I haven't taken it out. you said you're gonna do
00:26:35everything. pack all the sheets and towels. I said why do I have to do
00:26:39everything? I asked you to pack all the sheets and towels. I leave them all out on the spare
00:26:46bed ready. you must have seen them when you took a bloody thing down to the car.
00:26:51well I did see them. I've got to lie on in bed now is it? ten years worth of access
00:26:58statements and a hundred copies of the visa. we need to pay excess baggage to
00:27:03bring it here. I'm sure we can happily find a use for this. I'll just go and see if
00:27:12there's some cheese.
00:27:33I'm going to put you up to this. I'm going to put you up to this and I'm going to put you up to someone else.
00:28:03I have looked for a pair like this here. do you think I can find anything?
00:28:23perhaps I'll just go and see.
00:28:25is she alright?
00:28:27slap her on the back or something.
00:28:34oh god it's something lost in her throat.
00:28:36out of the way here.
00:28:38is that neat?
00:28:40oh thank you.
00:28:47I don't know what happens.
00:28:49eat too fast I think.
00:28:51that's alright.
00:28:53I believe it's called a Heinlich maneuver.
00:28:55I saw a demonstrate it was by Susan Strangston Magpie.
00:28:57I've been using it for all these years for a chance to use it.
00:29:01you sure you're alright there?
00:29:03I'm so grateful.
00:29:05I don't know what to say.
00:29:07yes well it's getting on I think and we don't want to keep your friend Afonso waiting do we?
00:29:11perhaps you'd like to put her down now Victor? you've just saved the woman from choking.
00:29:13you don't want to kill her with the aftershave.
00:29:25ah Victor.
00:29:41the non-specific urethritis is not giving you too much trouble tonight I hope.
00:29:45the scalding sensation is now improving a little yes?
00:29:49slightly yes.
00:30:03I feel as if I'm walking through a dream.
00:30:07to think that I'm actually here after all these years.
00:30:13a shame we never got to meet Maria.
00:30:17two years is it now since the accident?
00:30:19they never found her body presumably.
00:30:23and I don't suppose they ever will.
00:30:25my wife for 26 years.
00:30:31sometimes she would walk home from the town along the cliff tops.
00:30:37it is a beautiful walk but very dangerous close to the edge.
00:30:45so many times I tell her to be careful that the ground can so easily crumble beneath your feet like dry fruitcake you know.
00:30:59but one day she goes into town.
00:31:05she never came back.
00:31:07they found one of her shoes on top of the cliffs.
00:31:13the other on the rocks below.
00:31:17a torn piece of her dress caught on some driftwood.
00:31:23the current must have swept her far out to sea.
00:31:27three weeks later off the Estoril coast two skin divers find an octopus holding a Gucci handbag.
00:31:39but my love it is hopeless.
00:31:45she is gone forever.
00:31:49three weeks time would have been her 53rd birthday.
00:31:57just before yours then.
00:32:03she'll be 60 next month.
00:32:07can I ever forget it?
00:32:11oh I may have moved.
00:32:15lovely now just one more lean in.
00:32:21lovely.
00:32:25it's another roll finished.
00:32:29I seem to have a bad feel of these things.
00:32:33I don't know where they've all come from suddenly.
00:32:35it's been a terrific evening Alfonso.
00:32:37I'm afraid I've fallen in love with your horse.
00:32:43may we take it back with us?
00:32:45of course.
00:32:47but you will find it is far too big for one person.
00:32:51for two perhaps not so bad.
00:33:03this clam is beyond me.
00:33:07tomorrow you will ring me Jean and I show you the wonders of the Algarve.
00:33:13and perhaps we take you scuba diving Victor.
00:33:15have you got any concrete flippers?
00:33:17nothing.
00:33:19good night Alfonso.
00:33:21good night.
00:33:23bye Alfonso and thank you again.
00:33:33you two seem to get on like a house on fire.
00:33:39really?
00:33:41must have been a terrible ordeal for him losing his wife like that.
00:33:45he obviously loved her very much.
00:33:49did you think so?
00:33:51what do you mean?
00:33:53just thought it was a bit odd that's all.
00:33:55showed us around every room. there wasn't a single photograph of her in the house.
00:34:01no.
00:34:03no I haven't actually managed to lay my hands on it again as such.
00:34:07it must be around here somewhere.
00:34:09tend to when it's in her handbag.
00:34:11in which case I'll have to pick my moment.
00:34:14listen.
00:34:16you get that front page ready for Sunday and you better wear asbestos gloves because these pictures are hot.
00:34:23talk to you soon.
00:34:31bye.
00:35:01I must have been a big disappointment.
00:35:17yes I expect so.
00:35:20what's it supposed to mean?
00:35:22sorry?
00:35:24go to bed.
00:35:27skin's gone all dry now. I should have put something on my face.
00:35:33try a pillow.
00:35:56oh be careful if you get up in the night without your shoes on.
00:35:59I put that mousetrap down near the bathroom door.
00:36:07I wasn't was I?
00:36:09what?
00:36:11a disappointment.
00:36:13I think you know the answer to that as well as I do.
00:36:20it's funny.
00:36:22the first few months after Chris left I was almost ready to drink the tomato sauce.
00:36:28it never occurred to me that one day I might...
00:36:31just listen to me.
00:36:33like some sort of silly school girl.
00:36:41have a good night Jean. see you in the morning.
00:36:43night Margaret.
00:36:47you know this place isn't as bad as all that really.
00:36:54once you get used to it.
00:37:04sorry Mr. Meldrew.
00:37:06night Mrs. Robards.
00:37:08good night.
00:37:22might get some of these developed today if we can find somewhere.
00:37:26what time are you seeing Alfonso?
00:37:28we said ten at the golf house.
00:37:30so if you just drop me at the bus stop I'll be fine.
00:37:33here he comes. the silver surfer.
00:37:39you two ready?
00:37:41we've been ready for half an hour.
00:37:43we were waiting for you to finish faffing about up there.
00:37:47get her up.
00:37:49hold her.
00:38:17get her up.
00:38:19get her up.
00:38:21get her up.
00:38:23get her up.
00:38:25get her up.
00:38:27get her up.
00:38:29get her up.
00:38:31get her up.
00:38:33get her up.
00:38:35get her up.
00:38:37get her up.
00:38:39get her up.
00:38:41get her up.
00:38:43get her up.
00:38:45get her up.
00:38:47get her up.
00:38:49get her up.
00:38:51get her up.
00:38:53get her up.
00:38:55get her up.
00:38:57get her up.
00:38:59get her up.
00:39:01get her up.
00:39:03get her up.
00:39:05get her up.
00:39:07get her up.
00:39:09get her up.
00:39:11get her up.
00:39:13get her up.
00:39:15get her up.
00:39:17get her up.
00:39:29what's this?
00:39:31for us?
00:39:33what is it?
00:39:35soup.
00:39:39very tasty.
00:39:41did you make this yourself?
00:39:43love it.
00:39:47Oh, yes. Thank you.
00:39:56Mmm, delicious. Thank you very much.
00:40:02Watch where you're going, you blundery. Wait out.
00:40:16Why don't you just bury me alive with this shovel and I'm done with it.
00:40:21I'm sorry. Did a bit of sand go up your nose?
00:40:24I'll come and poke it out for you if you like.
00:40:27Oh, no. Look at that now.
00:40:29I've knocked over your bottle of embalming fluid.
00:40:31I'm sorry about that, man. I really am.
00:40:35For God's sake.
00:40:38Who that?
00:40:40Things look like they've been pebbled, Geister.
00:40:44Go wash it all off.
00:41:01Oh, my God.
00:41:30It's too hot for me here. I think I'll go for a walk.
00:41:33Oh, right.
00:41:37Before I rot away altogether.
00:41:42And, Hugo, here's a tip.
00:41:45When you're boxing, it's always a good idea to remain perpendicular to the canvas.
00:41:50That way the audience get a better view.
00:41:52If we ever got sponsorship, you'll have to put the product logo on the soles of your shoes
00:41:57cos that's the only angle the camera ever see you from.
00:42:03Oh, hello. What have you brought me this time?
00:42:06Some roast beef and Yorkshire pudding?
00:42:08Yes.
00:42:11Oh, do you have a wonderful bed.
00:42:13And you're doing a wonderful job trying to wake me up
00:42:15cos unfortunately I'm on holiday.
00:42:17No-one in the world is going to upset me.
00:42:19Now, can you understand that?
00:42:23Smell that on his head.
00:42:25Why can't he just accept it, Humphrey?
00:42:27Your son is a really sane and sensitive individual.
00:42:31And that kind of self-control is a really bad quality these days.
00:42:44I mean, I know because we meet when we're supposed to,
00:42:46but there's not you or anyone else who can possibly phase him out.
00:43:03Hey, watch out for the jellyfish.
00:43:07Oh, hello. How are you?
00:43:11Oh, don't you remember?
00:43:14In the shoe shop.
00:43:16Isabella, you squeezed me.
00:43:19Very tightly, I think.
00:43:23Do you want a drink?
00:43:26Yes, I think perhaps I will. Thank you.
00:43:42Bloody dandos, look at that.
00:43:44I know they ought to wear this again.
00:43:50Nice walk?
00:43:51What?
00:43:53Yes.
00:43:55Oh, guess what.
00:43:56I ran into Isabella, the lady from the shoe shop.
00:44:00Oh, yes.
00:44:02Head first, evidently.
00:44:05What did she have stuck in her throat this time?
00:44:07Your tongue?
00:44:10I...
00:44:12What the hell's that supposed to mean?
00:44:14She just stopped by to say thank you for that episode.
00:44:16I'll see you back at the car.
00:44:32Oh, look at her.
00:44:33She's a sunbathing mummy.
00:44:35These are the balmy blue things, aren't they?
00:44:37Look at you.
00:44:38You're like a ferocious shark.
00:44:40Just try one more trick like that.
00:44:42That's all. One more.
00:44:43See what happens.
00:44:54Oh, I said you should have come to the gulf with us.
00:45:07You ought to see Alfonso's swing.
00:45:09Like poetry in motion.
00:45:12Oh, there's another roll to put in, by the way.
00:45:15Did you find a shop for the others?
00:45:19I forgot every word about it, actually.
00:45:22Better start getting ready.
00:45:24I've only got three hours.
00:45:27Are you sure you won't change your mind about tonight?
00:45:30It's supposed to be a lovely drive,
00:45:32right up through the mountains,
00:45:34and Alfonso said the food is out of this world.
00:45:37Now, you and Victor go. I'm not really in the mood.
00:45:44Of course, a good detective show.
00:45:47I love that.
00:45:49The Poirot's and Miss Marple's.
00:45:52It's something I think we always do much better than the Americans.
00:45:57Apart from Columbo, of course.
00:45:59You have to admire the way they get all that period detail at the 70s.
00:46:04Exactly right like that.
00:46:06It's a real credit to them.
00:46:08All that period detail.
00:46:10That's because they were made in the 70s.
00:46:13Why?
00:46:14The Columbo's.
00:46:17We haven't started eating yet.
00:46:19And then again, none of it's as grisly as real life, is it?
00:46:24Oh, you remember that case in Ostrich Gardens?
00:46:28Man with one arm went off with that girl from Do It All?
00:46:32They fell in love while he was changing a light bulb.
00:46:36Well, he was a nasty piece of work from all accounts.
00:46:40I'm sure you can't change a light bulb if you've only got one arm.
00:46:44You can if you've still got the receipt.
00:46:48They reckoned he'd get his way, didn't they?
00:46:52Drowned her in the bath with Charlie Chester turned up loud to cover the screams.
00:46:57Then buried the body under the dark candle in the back garden
00:47:02and made out she'd just gone insane.
00:47:11For God's sake, will you stop this?
00:47:15I'm sorry.
00:47:17When you talk of drowning, the memory is still very painful.
00:47:23Forgive me, I should not have shouted.
00:47:27Oh, no, no, no, no. It was my fault.
00:47:31I don't know what I was thinking of.
00:47:34I had made up my mind.
00:47:36I could hardly keep my eyes open.
00:47:39Go back now, Jean, and sleep well.
00:47:42And I will call you in the morning.
00:47:47I'm sorry, Mr. Martin.
00:47:50I'm afraid I shouldn't be able to see again.
00:47:54I think the blame is on me.
00:47:59You can't face your own family.
00:48:03You can't face your own people.
00:48:06You can't face your own neighbors.
00:48:09You've got to face them all.
00:48:11Woo!
00:48:23♪♪♪
00:48:41♪♪♪
00:48:52♪♪♪
00:49:02♪♪♪
00:49:41I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
00:50:12I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I
00:50:18love you.
00:50:23I love you.
00:50:29I'm sorry.
00:50:34I love you.
00:50:41Oh my God, there was an accident there.
00:50:53He must have hit the wall and the other one followed the trip and left the light on.
00:51:03And being unconscious, she urgently needs medical assistance.
00:51:11Are you ok?
00:51:12Of course.
00:51:27Come on, hurry up to the hospital.
00:51:32Come on.
00:51:42There. Hello, cutie.
00:51:47This is war, boys.
00:51:50Where are you?
00:51:51Oh, yeah, I'm...
00:52:02Stupid, stupid, stupid.
00:52:04I can't understand. Why could you think...
00:52:08Oh my God.
00:52:11Is something wrong?
00:52:12Oh, it's my friend, she's...
00:52:15...rather a lot to drink, and I think she may have...
00:52:17You're not serious.
00:52:21I guess she wasn't in a fit state to walk anywhere.
00:52:32You sure she's down there?
00:52:34I don't know, I've been shouting around everywhere.
00:52:36Mrs Wormley!
00:52:40Are you alright?
00:52:44If you're down there, say something!
00:53:00Get to the nearest phone. Ring the Coast Guard, quick as you can.
00:53:03For God's sake, be careful!
00:53:14Come on!
00:53:17Mrs Lowry, Mrs Lowry!
00:53:48Easy, easy, easy.
00:53:52Easy, easy.
00:53:56Easy.
00:53:59Is there anything?
00:54:01What about my husband?
00:54:03There must be some sign of him up there or something.
00:54:06What's happened to him?
00:54:17Help!
00:54:32I want the friends of the missing lady to come to the morgue.
00:54:36Maybe they'll be able to make a statement that will be useful to us.
00:54:40Tell me.
00:54:41Right, I'll take care of that.
00:54:45Mrs Mildred?
00:54:47Yes, what's happened?
00:54:49We'd like you both to go to the hospital in Mocheberry.
00:54:53To make an identification.
00:55:06He says he's very sorry to bring you here under such circumstances.
00:55:10He says to prepare yourself, as it is not a very pleasant sight.
00:55:22He says it appears that her foot was bitten off by a shark.
00:55:26Oh, my God!
00:55:41What did he say?
00:55:45He says take your time and tell him if you recognize it.
00:55:49Tell him if you recognize it?
00:55:53Is this all there is?
00:55:57We thought you were coming here to look at a body.
00:56:01Where did all this come from?
00:56:06He says a fisherman from Poches found it in the stomach of a dead Barracuda.
00:56:10Now he's trying to find out who it belongs to.
00:56:24What is this? A new version of Cinderella by David Lynch?
00:56:28My life's absurd enough as it is without you shoving these grisly atrocities like this underhand.
00:56:33Just a minute. That's not her foot.
00:56:37What do you mean?
00:56:41She had a large bunion on her big toe. She showed it to me two months ago.
00:56:45Are you sure? And she always cuts her toenails neater than that.
00:56:49No, I'm positive. Whoever this belonged to, it definitely wasn't Jean.
00:57:02Oh, my God.
00:57:06Oh, my God.
00:57:14Oh, my God.
00:57:18What if it's going to happen to him and it's not going to be me?
00:57:22The poor man's already lost one wife over a cliff.
00:57:26What if he used some sort of kamikaze dating agency?
00:57:30I just can't believe she was left there like that.
00:57:34In that condition.
00:57:38Next to a complete, sheer drop.
00:57:42In total darkness.
00:57:46Yes. Now, no point blaming yourself.
00:57:50I wouldn't put it past you to have dressed her up in a sack and thrown her in.
00:57:54Oh, for goodness sake.
00:57:58You have never liked the woman, as long as you've known her.
00:58:02To you, she was just a gibbering old bat who called round twice a week to polish off our digestive biscuits.
00:58:06A plague of locusts with earrings, was it, you called her?
00:58:10You never took a thing she said seriously.
00:58:14Or had so much as a civil word for her.
00:58:18Well, I just hope you're satisfied.
00:58:22Oh, bugger off. I mean, don't look for joy.
00:58:26Thank you very much.
00:58:30She!
00:59:00Yeah.
00:59:04All right, hun. Yeah. Love you. Bye.
00:59:08A fisherman's offered to drive him over, so...
00:59:12Oh, I can't believe it.
00:59:16So, how did he sound?
00:59:20Oh, he sounded tired, I suppose. Maybe he'll grab some sleep on the way back.
00:59:30I don't believe this.
00:59:34I don't believe this.
00:59:38I don't believe this.
01:00:00I haven't even put any of it on today.
01:00:04Go on, get out of here.
01:00:08Bloody aftershaves.
01:00:12I can't walk five yards now without getting a snout up my backside.
01:00:16Go and tell the marketing research department. Muffin them you.
01:00:20I'll get it.
01:00:24I can't walk five yards now without getting a snout up my backside.
01:00:28Go and tell the marketing research department. Muffin them you.
01:00:32I'll get it.
01:00:54I'll get it.
01:01:24I'll get it.
01:01:36Ow!
01:01:54Water's not heating up properly in that tap now.
01:01:58I think it must be a fault in the boiler. Do you know anything about...
01:02:06Oh, God!
01:02:10I never thought I'd see you again.
01:02:14Are you here? How do I feel?
01:02:18I've just spent seven hours of total sensory deprivation
01:02:22throwing up and pulling live herrings out of my underpants.
01:02:26Only to be driven back here by a trained chimp
01:02:30inside a vehicle with all the comfort of a runaway cement mixer.
01:02:34All because wacky races across the road
01:02:38tells me someone's fallen into the sea
01:02:42when all that's happened is their bloody shoes come off.
01:02:46You want to know how I feel?
01:02:50In the words of one sogging syllable, this is how I feel.
01:02:54Hugo!
01:02:58Yes, yes, you can do it! Go, go, go, go, go!
01:03:06It's in there.
01:03:10I always knew it was in there.
01:03:14I think I need a bath.
01:03:20I think I need a bath.
01:03:40Are we coming back here after lunch?
01:03:44I expect so. I might go and apologize to that bloke over there
01:03:48I expect so.
01:03:52I expect so.
01:03:56I expect so.
01:04:18Excuse me!
01:04:22Excuse me!
01:04:36So, there.
01:04:40Obviously you would like some time.
01:04:44I cannot expect you to give an answer right away.
01:04:48I know it's barely a week since we met face to face,
01:04:52but, of course, over the years
01:04:56already I've... I feel I've got to know you.
01:05:00I'm sorry.
01:05:04It will be that business call. Please forgive me, Jean.
01:05:08My mouth's gone quite dry.
01:05:12I'll go and get us a refill.
01:05:18No, fair is fair.
01:05:22Yeah, I've mucked you about.
01:05:26Yeah, I understand. I have mucked you about.
01:05:30Tell you what I'll do. New offer.
01:05:34I'm prepared to let you have it for 100 grand,
01:05:38less the cost of processing and developing,
01:05:42which, according to my notes here, comes to
01:05:4667p, or about five quid
01:05:50for every bone I've had broken in my body getting the bloody thing back.
01:05:54Yeah, it should be here in a second. On its way.
01:05:58Hot from the presses. Obrigado.
01:06:02You'll be pleased to hear that I have in my hand the merchandise.
01:06:06Prints and negatives of a set of photographs
01:06:10that is going to send shockwaves throughout the...
01:06:14Who the bloody hell is this? This isn't the film I gave you.
01:06:18What are you trying to do to me?
01:06:28Oh, no.
01:06:30Is it some kind of cruel joke?
01:06:38I bet it's coming back to me now.
01:06:42For some reason,
01:06:46let's see...
01:06:50she never had it in the first place,
01:06:54because it never fell on the floor in the first place,
01:06:58because I'd already put it back in my pocket.
01:07:02I have travelled halfway across bloody Europe, getting half-killed,
01:07:06looking for a roll of film that all the time was inside
01:07:10my pocket.
01:07:40Come on.
01:08:10Obrigado.
01:08:40Come on.
01:09:10Come on.
01:09:40What are you doing?
01:09:44You kept them
01:09:48all this time.
01:09:52One on the cliff,
01:09:56one on the rocks.
01:10:00That's how they were found?
01:10:04Yes.
01:10:08Please put them down, Jean.
01:10:12These are the shoes she was wearing
01:10:16the day she fell?
01:10:20No.
01:10:24I don't think she did fall from that cliff at all.
01:10:28What are you trying to...
01:10:32Look! Look at them, Alfonso.
01:10:36Can't anyone see what's staring you in the face?
01:10:40I...
01:10:44They're both left shoes.
01:10:48Both? But that isn't possible.
01:10:52They're from two different pairs.
01:10:56They're not identical, but they're quite similar enough for someone in a hurry
01:11:00to pick them both up, thinking they went together,
01:11:04and plant them on the cliff with a torn dress
01:11:08to make it look as if there'd been an accident.
01:11:16No woman
01:11:20would ever have made this mistake, Alfonso.
01:11:34Mind your legs.
01:11:58I'll just give you a top-up.
01:12:02Mmm.
01:12:06Sorry about this. I think the pilot went after something.
01:12:10Your dad's having a look at it now. Mmm. That's the business.
01:12:14Oh, yes.
01:12:18I'll get it.
01:12:22Oh, hello.
01:12:26Is your husband in? I think I owe him an apology for last night and everything.
01:12:30He's in the bath at the moment. He'd just like to wait a sec.
01:12:34Shelley! Have you been married yet? Hang on! I'm needed in the kitchen.
01:12:38Oh, no.
01:13:00It's a snake!
01:13:04You're funny, me.
01:13:08You come from anywhere.
01:13:12For goodness' sakes.
01:13:16Come.
01:13:20Shh. Please, don't worry me.
01:13:34Nice.
01:13:38I love that.
01:13:42That's nice.
01:13:46You're doing a terrific job.
01:13:50It's lovely.
01:13:54Thanks.
01:13:58It's absolutely wonderful.
01:14:14Are you the swan?
01:14:18Mmm.
01:14:22Mmm.
01:14:26Should have expected it, really.
01:14:30You have to pick a fight with a professional boxer.
01:14:34Can't wonder he went berserk.
01:14:38I should think that's the first time a donkey's ever been floored with a left hook.
01:14:42How's that going down?
01:14:46All right?
01:14:50Can you manage any more, or...?
01:14:54I think I'm going to go away and wait till I leave.
01:14:58Thanks very much. Bye.
01:15:02Right.
01:15:06Jeanne's late.
01:15:10I hope everything's all right over there.
01:15:14She said she had a feeling Alfonso might propose to her today.
01:15:18Perhaps I'll just give them a quick ring.
01:15:24Yes.
01:15:40Yes. I expect so.
01:15:48It's ringing, but there's no answer.
01:15:54It's ringing.
01:16:24Something's wrong. I have that feeling.
01:16:28Something... I don't know.
01:16:40It's ever since you said that, about Pilo and new pictures of his wife.
01:16:44And that night in the restaurant, with those murder stories.
01:16:48Why would he get all agitated?
01:16:52I think we should go over there, Victor. Now!
01:16:56What the...?
01:17:04I don't know. Look, I'll drive.
01:17:08Just stick your shoes on. Quickly. I hate to think what we might find.
01:17:12Oh!
01:17:20Jeanne?
01:17:30It's funny how you can go on deceiving yourself,
01:17:34ignoring what your insides have been telling you all the time.
01:17:38It was...
01:17:42Whenever I mentioned her name,
01:17:46something happened to his eyes.
01:17:50Suddenly he wasn't looking at me anymore.
01:17:54He was looking through me, back to another world.
01:17:58A world he could never recapture.
01:18:02When I saw the shoes, that's when I started to guess
01:18:06that the whole thing was an invention.
01:18:10The torn dress on the rocks, even the handbag in the sea.
01:18:14It all added up to one thing.
01:18:18His wife had faked her own death
01:18:22to go and live with someone else.
01:18:26Faked her own death? Afonso worshipped Maria.
01:18:30She was his life.
01:18:34In a way, he'd only come after her,
01:18:38hound her to the end of his days.
01:18:42She had to make him believe she was gone forever.
01:18:46Well, even at the suggestion another man had been in the house
01:18:50helping her to plant the evidence,
01:18:54it was as if I wasn't there anymore.
01:18:58Everything that was sacred to her memory,
01:19:02he'd kept hidden away in the cellar.
01:19:06He just couldn't let go.
01:19:10He started searching, and through all her belongings, for some sort of clue.
01:19:14He said he had to know for certain if it was true.
01:19:18And suddenly he remembered.
01:19:22A few years before, a business trip she'd made to Faro to see a male colleague.
01:19:26At the time, he half suspected she might have been...
01:19:30Well...
01:19:34From somewhere he found a phone number and...
01:19:38Of course, who should answer it but...
01:19:42Maria.
01:19:46After that,
01:19:50there was no reasoning with him.
01:19:54He said he needed some time to himself now.
01:19:58That it wouldn't change anything between the two of us.
01:20:02To wait a couple of days and he'd call me
01:20:06and we'd pick up where we left off.
01:20:14And I knew then
01:20:18that I'd never see him again.
01:20:24Sorry, I was in a bit of a state
01:20:28when I got back last night.
01:20:32I'm afraid it's all rather knocked me for six.
01:20:36Well, I find I've almost come out of bed.
01:20:40But you've got to look back at this day and see
01:20:44if I've realised the things I'm trying to.
01:20:48You never said a truer word, Mr Meltrum.
01:20:52And I appreciate that very much.
01:21:22Ah!
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