One Foot In The Grave S04 E04 - Warm Champagne
Transcript
00:00You're nearly finished with that. I've got some letters to write.
00:31Hey, listen to this.
00:33It's from Mr Hithercroft.
00:36You know, that old bloke with the monocle.
00:38Says,
00:39Thank you so much for showing me round your house last Thursday.
00:43It is a truly delightful property
00:45and I should very much like to arrange a return visit to inspect it more closely.
00:50Mmm.
00:52I hope you will not mind if this time I bring along my camera
00:56as I am very keen to take some photographs of you in the nude.
01:03A wide collection of World War II gas masks
01:07which, if you are agreeable, we...
01:11Oh, dear.
01:13I think I feel sick.
01:15Hmm. Sounds quite promising, then.
01:18I beg your pardon?
01:20It's only a bit of fun, presumably.
01:22You never know, it might be serious.
01:24We are desperate.
01:26We're not that bloody desperate.
01:29In any case, it's addressed to you.
01:32What?
01:33Just that. A diary is starting up now.
01:36Erm, yeah, just finished.
01:38There you are. All yours.
01:42Rub each other's thighs with swarfia?
01:45LAUGHTER
01:53Welcome back to suburbia.
01:59There.
02:00Put these new lampposts up at last, I see.
02:03Are your feet still burning?
02:05Burning?
02:07They have to stay on for the poster when I get in to cool them down.
02:11Blisters are bursting all over now. I can feel them.
02:14I think it's safe to say I won't be doing much tap dancing over the next few weeks.
02:21Oh, look at that!
02:29You know who this is, don't you?
02:31That new mob has moved into number ten.
02:34Little buggers.
02:36I'll wing their necks with a...
02:38There they are. Now...
02:40Oh, you!
02:42What's this?
02:43My bloody front garden doubling up as Trent Bridge now, is it?
02:47If you ask nicely, I'll stick up a sight screen in the dining room for you.
02:50Why don't you sort off down the sewer?
02:53What did you tell me, you sort-off down-the-sewer, you cocky little tyke?
02:57Five seconds, we've been back.
03:00No-one tells that about you.
03:02Yeah, what's he going to do about it?
03:04You'll soon find out. He hates your guts.
03:07Well, you can tell from me that the feeling is mutual.
03:10I am Miss Walter!
03:11I am Miss Walter!
03:13Miss Walter! Miss Walter!
03:20You were your bestest thing about,
03:22and I finished cutting you round the end of that ticket, that!
03:28Cheeky little bastards!
03:38Someone's been at these grapes.
03:41There was 24 here when we left.
03:44The last time I let him come round to feed the fish.
03:47And I bet you anything you'd like, he spat the pips out as well.
03:51There's one there, look.
03:54And there's another one.
03:58Hello.
04:01Hello.
04:03You both have a nice time.
04:05Bit of a heatwave down that way, wasn't there, by all accounts?
04:08Yes, I'm afraid Victor came a bit of a cropper with his feet,
04:11left them pointing at the sun while he fell asleep
04:14and burnt the soles like I can't tell you.
04:18I'm sorry.
04:20I'm sorry.
04:22I'm sorry.
04:24I can't tell you.
04:32Been shuffling around like two loose-look trek now for five days.
04:37Oh, dear. Where exactly did this happen, then?
04:40Oh, while we were on the beach.
04:42Luckily, there was another chap there from the same hotel
04:45who very kindly dragged him back to the car.
04:48Otherwise, I don't know what we would have done.
04:50Oh, now, hang on a minute.
04:52Yes.
04:54There we are.
04:57Look.
05:00He looks nice.
05:02Yes.
05:04He was.
05:06His name's Ben.
05:08He lives in North London.
05:10Yes.
05:12He was a lot of fun.
05:14Well, anyway, I think your fish are all present and correct.
05:17None of them coughing up blood or anything.
05:20Your mail's all in the kitchen, so I'd better scoot.
05:23Oh, all right. I'll see you later, I expect.
05:25Yes, and thanks for everything.
05:27Bye.
05:32The edge of that lavatory pan isn't half cold.
05:36Next time, I'll get something to kneel on.
05:39PHONE RINGS
05:42PHONE RINGS
05:45PHONE RINGS
05:48PHONE RINGS
05:504291?
05:52Yes?
05:54What?
05:56Yes, I did a bloody well shout at them again if I feel like it.
06:00Have you seen what they've done to my window?
06:03I don't care. You should bring them up better.
06:07Bloody family of yobs.
06:10Never done a day's work since he moved in, either.
06:13What comes to that?
06:15I think Mrs Elsbury said he was a painter or something.
06:18Got a job with the brewery.
06:20Well, there's a pit up.
06:22What the hell?
06:24Where did...?
06:27Terrific!
06:29Yes, it's really wonderful to be home.
06:36HE SIGHS
06:57LAUGHTER
07:07What's all that racket out there in the night?
07:11People dying, about and giggling. Did you hear it?
07:14I didn't hear anything.
07:16And how long do we have to put up with this vile object up here?
07:22It's like something out of Lord of the Flies.
07:25What's the matter with it? I thought it was rather unusual.
07:28You're unusual? Strange, isn't it?
07:31Why, other people bring back stickers.
07:33But, no, you've been in that mood ever since we got back last week.
07:37Holidays can't last forever, you know.
07:41Did you bring the milk in?
07:43I haven't had a chance.
07:50PHONE RINGS
07:554291.
07:57Oh.
08:004291.
08:02Oh.
08:04Well, then.
08:09What a lovely surprise.
08:18Oh!
08:20LAUGHTER
08:29LAUGHTER
08:36And you, you stuck-piece bloody vandals!
08:45What the hell is it? It's a cake.
08:48Yes, thank you. I can see it's a cake.
08:50I didn't think it was Douglas Heard's underpants.
08:53What was it doing on our front doorstep?
08:55Mr Arnold Larkspur, 17 Rivers Bank.
08:59Oh, yes, we had a letter for him the other day.
09:01That's that new block of old people's flats up near the park.
09:05You can't wonder people keep getting mixed up.
09:08Rosie, why? They're completely different.
09:10I mean, we're River Bank, they're Rivers Bank.
09:12One's got an apostrophe S.
09:14Don't let him dribble all over it.
09:16Take him out for his walk or something.
09:18Rosie, you've been dribbling a lot lately, haven't you?
09:21Perhaps it's something to do with accidentally swallowing that little key
09:25in Mr Meldrew's back garden the other week.
09:28It would surprise me if you hadn't trained him to do that.
09:31Poor man.
09:33He hasn't been able to undo the padlock to his shed now for a fortnight.
09:37Yes, it is a shame, isn't it?
09:39Still, never mind. I'm sure it'll work its way through in the fullness of time.
09:43Won't it, Denzel?
09:46Evil. Pathologically evil.
09:52Ah, Mr Meldrew, the very man.
09:55I don't suppose he's produced anything yet at all.
09:58I'm sure if he has, it'll be in here.
10:00I made a point of saving them all up for you while you were away.
10:05You're very thoughtful of you.
10:07Yes.
10:09And Pippa said to give you these marigold rubber gloves.
10:13I think they're the right size.
10:15Anything else you might require?
10:17A pair of tweezers or...?
10:19Thank you. I think I can manage.
10:21Good.
10:23I'll leave you to it, then.
10:25Happy hunting, Mr Meldrew.
10:49GROWLING
11:12LAUGHTER
11:20Mr Meldrew?
11:22Sorry to interrupt.
11:24I think you'd better come out the front.
11:26There's a big milk tanker's just ploughed into that new lamppost outside your house.
11:32I'm afraid it's done a bit of damage.
11:35What sort of damage?
11:38WHISTLE BLOWS
11:49I'm going to have to get something to cover my eyes.
11:53I think I've got that complimentary Danny a mask in here somewhere.
11:58Bloody milk tanker.
12:01I mean, what speed was he doing in the first place, for God's sake?
12:05I'm going to be suing that day for every penny they've got, I can tell you that.
12:09Oh, God.
12:12There must be something better in life than this.
12:15It's not my fault that people treat our estate like a skeletal crack.
12:19I'd have put a pair of trousers over it and probably burned a hole in the seat.
12:23Morning, noon and night, if it's not one thing, it's another.
12:27Well, that's the way the world is today, I'm afraid, and you're stuck with it.
12:30Am I?
12:33What do you mean, am I?
12:37I don't know what I mean.
12:57You won't forget to put the dustbin out later, will you?
13:00Only they won't empty it otherwise.
13:02Yes.
13:04And I may be late back tonight because I'm going to have a drink with someone.
13:10Yes, who's that?
13:12Oh, just a friend who asked me if I wanted to...
13:15Do you have to stick that thing out?
13:18Sorry? I thought I'd try changing the plug. I've tried everything else.
13:22Just because I want to watch the UEFA Cup final tonight.
13:25Absolutely typical.
13:28Right, so don't feel you have to wait up for anything, and I'll see you later.
13:34Right. Have a good time. Bye.
13:37Get in there.
13:41That's good.
13:45Now then, where have you gone?
13:50LAUGHTER
13:54I don't believe it.
13:59There we are. That's the letter to the dairy, expressing my views on their tanker drivers.
14:04I hope you can read the writing I got a bit carried away once I got started.
14:07No, that all seems fine.
14:09Get it all typed up professionally on Patrick's computer. It'll carry a lot more weight.
14:13You off out now, then?
14:15Yes, Margaret's just gone off for a meal with some old biddy,
14:18so I thought I'd pop down to the pub and see the match, since the telly's conked out.
14:22I'll get this back to you tomorrow, then.
14:24That's great. Thanks very much. Bye.
14:45MUSIC PLAYS
15:06That's the ticket.
15:10There we are, my love.
15:12LAUGHTER
15:14We had a lot of trouble finding your house, didn't we?
15:17Yes. Got ourselves into a right old pickle.
15:2119 Riversbank. This is definitely the one.
15:24Hello? Anybody home?
15:26Mr Stavecote, we've brought your wife back from the hospital.
15:30Perhaps she's in the garden or something.
15:33She's still very sedated. I think we should put her straight to bed.
15:37The garden? This way? That's it?
15:40Here we go.
15:42Nasty old accident they've had up there with that lamppost, eh?
15:45No mistake.
16:12Margaret. Hello, Ben.
16:14You're looking radiant.
16:16Oh, I don't feel it. Thank you.
16:22This past week has been one long horror story.
16:25I was beginning to think I'd dreamt it all.
16:28The holiday and you.
16:30Oh, waiter. Sir, this isn't properly chilled.
16:33Would you bring us another, please? Certainly, sir.
16:36I would think there's nothing worse than warm champagne.
16:39Especially tonight.
16:42It's good to see you again.
16:55I know.
16:58Wish I'd stayed home and read a bloody book.
17:13Anything?
17:15The council don't come round about that tomorrow.
17:18May take a hammer and smash that bowl, Ben.
17:21I've just about had enough of it.
17:24Are you awake?
17:26Did you have a nice nap?
17:28Well, I didn't sleep, did I?
17:30Well, I'm sorry, sir.
17:32I'm not in the mood.
17:34My boy is not in the mood.
17:36You must be a bit over-excited.
17:38I'm not.
17:39I don't think you're in the mood.
17:41I'm not.
17:42I'm not?
17:43I think you're in the mood.
17:45I'm not.
17:46I'm not.
17:47I'm not.
17:48I'm not.
17:49I'm not.
17:50I'm not.
17:51I'm not.
17:52You have a nice time tonight
18:02He's virtually at war with every neighbor on the estate
18:06Talk about never a dull moment. I know he's just frightful isn't he I don't know why you should have to put up with it
18:14Costa Rican or Columbia, what do you mean?
18:17Columbia
18:19well
18:2135 years saddle to death
18:25He always reminds me of one of those psychopathic killers in the Chamber of Horrors
18:30Is it the brides in the bath chap mind you married to him most women will be leaping headfirst into the air seed
18:38How you stuck it all these years I find quite for someone as warm and sensitive
18:49It's never too late Margaret
18:51Even at our time of life to change direction
19:10What was that for
19:13Just kissing you goodbye Ben good what you mean? It's like Christmas presents, isn't it?
19:21They always look so exciting and full of promise sitting there under the Christmas tree and
19:26Then once you've opened them all the mystery is gone
19:29Be much better to leave them as they are with a wrapping paper on that way. You'll never be disappointed
19:35And I think we should leave our wrapping paper on
19:39Because one of us is going to end up being cruelly rejected and I couldn't bear that to happen
19:44But how can you say that if you don't reject me, I would never reject you I
19:50Meant one of the three of us
19:52You talk about being sensitive. I'm afraid that's Victor's trouble
19:57he's the most
19:59Sensitive person I've ever met and that's why I love him and why I constantly want to ram his head through a television screen
20:08I've had a lovely time tonight Ben. I know I'm going
20:13Do you know what's actually worse than warm champagne?
20:19No, I really don't think you do
20:42This
20:49Oh
21:08Right, all right
21:19I
21:40Suppose you were starting to worry where I got to
21:42Well
21:47It's a bit of a story come clean and tell you
22:12I
22:43I
22:50Thought it was you
23:03She doing
23:05Bloody hell am I whispering?
23:09This is the end to a perfect week, isn't it? Come home and find your husband is taking up necrophilia
23:20What you're doing here
23:26It's all right
23:28No, it's going to harm you
23:33It's all right, it's all oh
23:37My god, this is absolutely macabre
23:43It's hard to make out exactly without my lenses, but there appears to be some sort of wild creature crawling out
23:51it's all
23:52wrinkled and horrible
23:54Something out of that Ken Russell movie Blair of the White Worm
24:00Tissue oh, hang on Melvin's come to the window now. Did you try to fix it back in with a biscuit?
24:08God I'm sure I dare. It's a woman
24:12What is this Patrick?
24:17This all along haven't you you've deliberately made him keep searching through all those disgusting
24:24Don't believe you
24:26How long has this been in here?
24:32Coffed it up must have been a few minutes after he swallowed it
24:41I was going to give it back
24:45Eventually
24:48So there we are
24:50Sorry about all the to-do over it, but
24:54Bugs will be dogs. I suppose
24:57Thank you, that's just the job isn't it?
25:01That was kind of Patrick wasn't it to get it back for you and clean it up and everything
25:09Oh
25:12Yes, thank you very much
25:20Oh
25:24All's well again. Oh, I hope so. Oh you later
25:28I've only just printed it up, so I haven't had time to check it through, but I don't think there'll be any mistake
25:33Hey say much
25:35Thanks very much
25:40Yeah
25:51Relations hmm
25:54What was that letter you said you typed up for him?
25:56Oh just a letter to the dairy about compensation for that milk tanker going into his lamp post
26:01It was only a couple of pages. You didn't mind did you?
26:06Dairy oh
26:09My god, no
26:12You you didn't name the file dairy why what was wrong with that?
26:18What's the matter now what's happened?
26:27Now they're afraid you did