Veep Season 1 Episode 5 Nicknames
Veep Season 1 Episode 5 Nicknames
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TVTranscript
00:00You know, democracy is fantastic, but it is also fucking dull.
00:09God, it doesn't even look like they're going to break a tie.
00:11Selena does not even have to be here.
00:13Oh my God, is she falling asleep?
00:16No, she cannot fall asleep on live TV, not on C-SPAN.
00:20That irony would be too huge.
00:21Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!
00:24Are you really waving?
00:25She cannot see you through the TV.
00:26Most of us learn that when we're four.
00:27We can call her.
00:28The vibrations will wake her up.
00:29No, she's not going to fall asleep, and it's probably only us who have noticed.
00:34Now, Clive, no, she is not falling asleep.
00:38No, it is just very warm down there.
00:41Whoa, head jerk, just head jerk.
00:43Okay.
00:44Are you sure you set this meeting for 8 a.m. today?
01:01Am I sure?
01:02Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay, of course you did, of course.
01:07Please stop staring at me like that, undressing me with your eyes.
01:11I'm adding more clothes, Mike.
01:13Clean jobs, almost ready for liftoff, right?
01:15A little more detail work, but yes, I do think that we can start the countdown.
01:19Okay, well, get your spacesuits on.
01:21You know, speaking of spacesuits, I met Buzz Aldrin at a book signing.
01:26You know what really freaks those guys out?
01:28Seeing 17 Dawns in a matter of 24 hours.
01:31Okay.
01:32Good morning.
01:33Morning, ma'am.
01:34How is my day looking, Sue?
01:36You have one community college meeting this afternoon.
01:40Is that it?
01:43Yes.
01:44No, no, no, no, no, that's not right.
01:45Uh, okay, wait a minute.
01:47What happens if you scroll down?
01:52How about if you scroll up?
01:56That's the past, ma'am.
02:00What's he for?
02:01Mike's for 8 o'clock.
02:03We're talking about your speech for the Firefighters Association tonight.
02:06Hey, where is Dan?
02:08I have been trying him all morning.
02:09He's not been picking up.
02:11Oh, I don't like that.
02:12He's probably sending photos of his dick to himself.
02:14I asked him to have a voicemail.
02:16Called him a name.
02:17Just a little thing.
02:18Mike!
02:19So here's what I'm thinking.
02:20We need to open with a funny joke, solid narrative throughout it, into which I would like to
02:26pepper like five zingers.
02:28No problemo.
02:29Okay.
02:30McClintock Gold.
02:31Good.
02:32I thought for the opener we'd do a little self-deprecating joke about your snooze in
02:34the Senate.
02:35No.
02:36You wanna hear it?
02:37No.
02:38Okay.
02:39Yeah, doesn't matter.
02:40Okay.
02:41Let's do it.
02:42Let's do it.
02:43Let's do it.
02:44Let's do it.
02:45Let's do it.
02:46Let's do it.
02:47Let's do it.
02:48Let's do it.
02:49Let's do it.
02:50Let's do it.
02:51Let's do it.
02:52Let's do it.
02:53Let's do it.
02:54Let's do it.
02:55Let's do it.
02:56Let's do it.
02:57Let's do it.
02:58Let's do it.
02:59Let's do it.
03:00Let's do it.
03:01Let's do it.
03:02Let's do it.
03:03Let's do it.
03:04Let's do it.
03:05Let's do it.
03:06Let's do it.
03:07Let's do it.
03:08Let's do it.
03:09Let's do it.
03:10Get somewhere, but without a ladder?
03:14Yeah, this is not making me laugh at all.
03:16We'll bring that one back when it's ready.
03:18Okay.
03:19Fire safety guy asked me the other day, and this is your voice,
03:22do I smoke in bed?
03:23And I said, I've never had any complaints.
03:26Hmm hmm.
03:27Hmm hmm.
03:28Hmm hmm.
03:29Too shock?
03:30Too shock?
03:31Okay.
03:32Alright, this is kind of a half an idea.
03:33Alright, so the idea is, if you're a fireman,
03:36putting a wet blanket on something...
03:38You are late.
03:40Yes, and I am incredibly sorry.
03:42I was not in my own apartment last night.
03:44I just, I overslept.
03:45Okay.
03:46Having a massive stroke is an excuse for coming in late to this office.
03:49Having sex is absolutely not damp.
03:51Quite right, madam.
03:52Although, in my defense, I didn't even think you'd be here.
03:55Why?
03:56Well, there's the briefing on the fiscal responsibility bill at the White House.
03:59I just assumed you'd be there.
04:01I wasn't invited.
04:02What?
04:03This is happening...
04:04Right now.
04:05Fuck that POTUS.
04:07He did this with the defense budget briefing two weeks ago.
04:09God...
04:10Where is Amy?
04:11You get a gag on top of...
04:13Mike!
04:14Why didn't I know about this?
04:19I'm going.
04:20They can't keep me out there.
04:28Hey ma'am, I'm right here.
04:30Can I get you something?
04:32You got rollerblades?
04:37I'm coming in.
04:57Hi guys.
05:01Fiscal responsibility.
05:03Are you kidding me?
05:06Not one of those guys has paid for their own lunch in like a decade.
05:09I think I made a big point by being there.
05:12Big point.
05:13I was breathing really heavily though.
05:15You don't think anyone noticed that, do you?
05:17No.
05:18God no.
05:19Bob Lewis has got emphysema.
05:20Sounds like a broken down leaf blower.
05:22He does.
05:23That is an actually uncanny impression of him.
05:26Madam Vice President.
05:27Yeah.
05:28Oh, hi Jenna.
05:29You coming to see us?
05:31Oh no, I had to take a personal hour.
05:33I have a nutritionist appointment.
05:36Oh, hope you're okay.
05:37It'll be fine.
05:39But I'm fructose intolerant.
05:41Fructose?
05:42Fruit sugars.
05:43It's very rare.
05:45Oh, well, good luck with all that.
05:51Just when you thought he couldn't get any weirder, he did.
05:55My God.
06:00Oh, sorry about earlier.
06:02I thought you were in the chair.
06:04Okay, you know what?
06:05I'm gonna need a meeting with everybody.
06:07I need a coffee.
06:09Here's the deal.
06:11The President is avoiding me.
06:13Maybe he's just flaky like Gary's feet.
06:15No, I know him.
06:17He hates confrontation and obviously there is something that he needs to confront me about.
06:21I mean, am I still getting unequivocal support on clean jobs?
06:25I need some good, solid White House intel on this.
06:29Yep, the White Geist.
06:31Right.
06:32I'm on it.
06:34Okay, please, please.
06:35Okay.
06:36I'm gonna check and see if this fireman thing tonight is getting mentioned anywhere.
06:40Well, are you self-googling?
06:42Yeah.
06:43We have guys in the office to do that, ma'am.
06:45I wouldn't search on your name or your nicknames, really.
06:47My nicknames?
06:49Gary, what are my nicknames?
06:55There's just some nicknames that it's necessary for us to search on to kind of pick up on blog coverage.
07:01But, I mean, like what?
07:04Uh, okay.
07:05There's, um, there's one that has to do with the legislation you did to support women breastfeeding in public.
07:11That was a good legislation.
07:12It was a good legislation.
07:13Mamrie Meyer.
07:14Yeah, please.
07:15Like that.
07:16Wait.
07:17Um, are there others?
07:19Oh, really?
07:20Okay.
07:21Uh.
07:22Grizzly Madam.
07:24She-Ra.
07:25Meyer the Liar.
07:26Bat Cave.
07:27Piss Face.
07:28Wicked Witch of the West Wing.
07:30Veep Throat.
07:31Voldemeyer.
07:32Dickless Van Dyke.
07:33Tawdry Hepburn.
07:34Blonder Woman.
07:35Selina Meh.
07:36Piss Face?
07:37Huh?
07:38No, not that one.
07:39Vaselina.
07:40Betty Poop.
07:41People attack you because they think you're beautiful and you're smart.
07:47You got the most nicknames when you were on the cover of Vogue.
07:49Yeah.
07:50I remember that.
07:51Yeah.
07:52They were just jealous.
07:53Yeah.
07:54Remember that?
07:55Yes.
07:56They called you Goofy Smile.
07:57Well, it's like magic.
07:58Well, that was, yeah.
07:59Hmm.
08:00Bummer.
08:01It's like your girlfriend didn't get the Chief of Staff job with the Speaker.
08:04Guess I don't have to buy a hat now.
08:07Hat?
08:08A wedding?
08:09No.
08:10Put a lot of time in on Alice.
08:13I was deliberately late for work because I wanted her to believe that she was more important
08:17to me than my job.
08:18She fall for that?
08:19I doubt it.
08:20But it's the thought that counts.
08:21She appreciates the gesture of me trying to trick her into believing that.
08:24That is so romantic.
08:26Sadly, the beautiful thing we had faded.
08:29Very suddenly.
08:30Eight minutes ago.
08:32So, who's next?
08:33Which strategically useful young woman will get to witness your two-hour morning skincare
08:38regime?
08:45You like this place?
08:47I love this place.
08:48Yeah.
08:49No frills.
08:52Not a single frill.
08:53Wouldn't they bring out the bread?
08:54You check it out.
08:55It is a fuckload of bread.
08:57Believe me, you could feed a family, like a fat family, off the fuckload of bread alone.
09:01I think I'm going to get an orange juice.
09:03You want one?
09:04Oh, no.
09:05No way, dude.
09:06Fruit toast.
09:07Oh, so, uh, clean jobs looking pretty exciting.
09:10What about the White House day?
09:11As stoked as we are?
09:12Hey, man.
09:13Yeah.
09:14I'm out of the office.
09:15I don't want to talk.
09:16Shut up.
09:17Oh, right, right, right.
09:18Yeah.
09:19Just punched out.
09:20Just two guys hanging.
09:21Yeah.
09:22Yeah.
09:23I like hanging with you.
09:24Thanks, man.
09:25That's too bad Amy doesn't.
09:27I'm fucking jealous.
09:28I mean, come on.
09:29Since you guys went out, you've been getting action, right?
09:31Oh, mad action.
09:32I got to cock like a cappuccino frother.
09:34One of the big ones, the industrial ones, not the little ones.
09:39Thanks, Joe.
09:43What'd I tell you?
09:44That's like two grain silos fucked right there.
09:46Yep.
09:47That's, uh, that's a regular granary gangbang.
09:50Oh, dude, did you hear that fucking bullshit that, uh, Max Geldry is saying that POTUS is avoiding Selena?
09:55Max Geldry knows shit about shit.
09:57The only intel he has is on his fucking PC.
10:01Intel, that's a, that's a brand of microprocessor.
10:03Strong, Joe.
10:04POTUS, he knows clean jobs has traction.
10:07Senator McCauley, he sponsored that bill in a heartbeat.
10:10He's got a big veiny boner for it.
10:15Oh, shit.
10:16They need me back at the West Wing like now.
10:18What, did we declare a war?
10:19No, it's worse.
10:20Interactive tour section of their website is down.
10:23Hey, there's this extreme metal band playing over at Labyrinth's tonight.
10:26Just real fucked up noise.
10:28They don't even have a name.
10:29You wanna check it out?
10:30Yeah, man, let's, let's go catch some decibels, huh?
10:33Cut me, I bleed metal.
10:34Great.
10:36And what would you like?
10:38To eat at a different fucking restaurant.
10:46So, Mike's jokes didn't work?
10:50Yeah, I mean, firefighters are used to seeing people die, Amy, but not like that.
10:56Listen, we've gotta congratulate Martin on this.
10:58I mean, this is such a great draft of the clean jobs bill.
11:02Yeah, it's pretty much all here.
11:03We just need to...
11:04Up the stakes substantially?
11:06Noncompliance penalties.
11:08Don't you think those should be greater?
11:10I think we should just go for it.
11:11I think we should just fine the fuckers so the fuckers aren't fined.
11:20That was totally inappropriate.
11:22Inappropriate?
11:23Inappropriate.
11:24That's not the first time that that's happened, by the way.
11:27He's not supposed to register emotion, he's supposed to be like a robot geisha.
11:32I'll see you to it.
11:33Yeah.
11:34So, uh, we still don't know if this bill has unequivocal support from POTUS.
11:39Well, Dan is working intel on that.
11:50Hey.
11:51Hey, Gary.
11:52I'm gonna, uh, I'm gonna head home, if that's okay, if I'm not needed.
11:55Yeah, sure.
11:57What's in the bag?
11:58Oh, I got my first Zumba class tonight.
12:00Oh.
12:01I'm excited.
12:02Neat.
12:03Um, Amy and I are gonna be working pretty late, I think.
12:05Would you do me a favor?
12:06Could you go and pick up some of those takeout crab cakes from Levin's?
12:11I love those.
12:12Yeah.
12:13That wouldn't spoil your plans, would it?
12:15No, ma'am.
12:16Hey, Gary.
12:17What are some of the other nicknames?
12:19Oh, come on, this is masochism.
12:22No, it's not.
12:23I have very thick skin.
12:24I'm just interested, that's all.
12:26It's just various VP things.
12:28You know, like using the initials VP jokingly.
12:31Like what?
12:32Um, vaguely personable, Viagra prohibitor, visible pains.
12:36Viagra prohibitor?
12:39Why?
12:40Because when a guy's with me, he doesn't need Viagra.
12:44No, it means that even if a guy uses it,
12:51it doesn't work?
12:54They are saying that a prescription medication
12:58that is supposed to guarantee a strong and sustained erection
13:02in all men despite their age or their health
13:05is rendered ineffective by me?
13:09You know what?
13:10You no longer search on the nicknames.
13:13Graduate thick skin.
13:14Wait, wait, wait.
13:15What about VPILF?
13:16No.
13:17That's flattery.
13:18No, Gary, no Gary.
13:19You know what that means?
13:20Vice President I would like to, you know, fool around with.
13:22Fuck.
13:23Okay.
13:28This is fucking primordial.
13:30You know what?
13:31You can't find these guys on fucking iTunes.
13:33You know why?
13:34Because they don't have a name?
13:36Because they're not for fucking sale.
13:38Fucking listen to this.
13:40This is fucking like being operated on
13:43by a chimp with a hard-on and a hacksaw.
13:46Radical stuff.
13:48Yeah, you know what?
13:49That's exactly how I feel about the clean jobs legislation.
13:53Has POTUS said anything about how high the agenda is going to go?
13:56All noises are good.
13:58I made a meeting tomorrow and it's definitely going to get discussed.
14:01I'll call you.
14:02That would be awesome, man.
14:05That's great.
14:06Pick up this route.
14:07I'll get the next one and grab some nuts.
14:08I'm sweating all my minerals in my shorts here.
14:10Get some fucking nuts!
14:18You know, I've asked Dan and Mike to play devil's advocate against this bill.
14:22Assemble some arguments.
14:23You know, what people might say against it and stuff.
14:25Dan is a great choice.
14:27He is already a huge advocate of the devils.
14:30POTUS needs some successes right now.
14:32If he doesn't fix the economy soon,
14:34NASA's going to have to build him an escape pod.
14:38I mean, how has he let this happen?
14:40God, if I were...
14:43Don't say if I were president.
14:45It's the VP bear trap.
14:46Okay.
14:47I won't say it.
14:48I'll just think it.
14:51Thanks for working late tonight, Amy.
14:53Don't feel like you have to come in early tomorrow.
14:55Okay, thanks.
14:57But you will come in early, right?
14:58Of course.
14:59Yeah.
15:00Shit.
15:01Cindy Purcell, should we go another way?
15:03No, I'm not scared of oil lobbyists.
15:05I'm only scared of two things.
15:07You won't remember.
15:08Cindy Purcell.
15:10Madam Vice President, so good to see you.
15:12Guess what we were just doing?
15:14Just polishing up the latest draft of Clean Jobs.
15:16You know, I am from oil, but that doesn't mean
15:18that I don't care deeply about my children's future
15:21and, of course, their children's future.
15:23Speaking of children, I've got to go.
15:25Catherine is waiting to Skype with me.
15:27Great seeing you, as always, Madam Vice President.
15:29Okay, take care.
15:30Bye-bye.
15:31I don't have any children.
15:33I have a niece, but I fucking hate her.
15:37How charming.
15:38I need to be getting home, so...
15:39You know, I wanted to tell you,
15:40if you think that this bill of yours
15:42is gonna go the distance,
15:43then you must be even stupider than I think you are.
15:46And I should tell you,
15:47I think you're borderline developmentally disabled.
15:50This bill is a fucking disgrace,
15:53and I'm gonna see to it personally
15:55that it gets chewed up like a dead prostitute
15:58in a wood chipper.
15:59Just wanted to let you know.
16:01Ah.
16:02You sure you're ready, Mr. Thrash Metal?
16:05Heard you only got two hours of sleep last night.
16:08Yeah, well, with how many times you gotta get up and pee, Mike,
16:11I think we're about even.
16:13Hey, have you boys read the latest draft of Clean Jobs?
16:17Yes, ma'am.
16:18Okay, so you've got your critiques all prepared?
16:21Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
16:22Who's gonna go first?
16:24Ladies first.
16:26So you can be harsh.
16:27You don't need to hold back or anything.
16:29This is class genocide.
16:33This is...
16:34This is...
16:35Um...
16:36Huh?
16:37This is rich white people and their rich white champion,
16:40Selina Meyer,
16:41demanding an unproven solution to an unproven problem
16:44so they can sleep better at night.
16:46Who works for large polluting companies?
16:49Ordinary blue-collar Americans.
16:52Who will get fired or have their wages cut to pay
16:56Who will get fired or have their wages cut to pay
16:59for these taxes?
17:00Ordinary moms and dads.
17:01Who will suffer when these companies
17:04are no longer competitive
17:05because of your high taxes and noncompliance penalties?
17:08This is cold, calculated class genocide
17:12perpetrated by someone who's either evil
17:14or eligible to be held on a 5150 at a mental health facility.
17:19Shame on you, Selina Meyer.
17:21Okay.
17:22Remember that name.
17:23No one will want to call their child by that name.
17:26There are no more Adolfs.
17:27Soon, there will be no more Selinas.
17:29You are looking at the last Selina.
17:32The Selina who killed America.
17:38Wow.
17:39Oh, my God, Dan.
17:43No more Selinas?
17:46Okay, quiet, okay?
17:48I don't need to hear you.
17:51Mike?
17:52Oh.
18:01My chief criticism is that I don't fully understand it.
18:04If I don't understand it...
18:05All right, good job, dummy.
18:07Sit down.
18:13Where's Selina?
18:14She's on her way back from lunch.
18:17You know that trip to Paris?
18:18Uh-huh.
18:19It's on.
18:20No.
18:22Amy, I have a quick cue for you to aim.
18:24Quickly, then.
18:25In diary hierarchy,
18:26does the National Resource Committee meeting
18:28trump the Care for Children's Association?
18:30Yes.
18:31Okay.
18:32I will kill the children.
18:34You know what would be perfect in Paris
18:35is that pink jacket that you have.
18:36Ma'am, ma'am.
18:38It's a fucking disaster.
18:40What is?
18:41It could be a lot of things.
18:42The president is very eager to get
18:44the fiscal responsibility bill through.
18:46So eager that...
18:48Oh, shit, no.
18:50He wants all focus to be on that bill.
18:52He's dropped five other pieces of legislation.
18:54No.
18:55Clean jobs is one of them.
19:05My clean jobs?
19:06Yeah.
19:07Oh, son of a bitch.
19:09That president,
19:10he is a suffocating...
19:12Okay, it's okay.
19:16Have we not heard anything about this?
19:18Apparently,
19:19there were rumblings in the blogs, but...
19:21Well, why weren't we on it?
19:23They used a nickname, ma'am,
19:24and we were not searching on it.
19:26Which one, Mrs. Doubtmire?
19:29Well, you never mentioned that one.
19:31Yeah, that means you're kind of
19:32slightly confused or oddly masculine.
19:37It's a shitty nickname.
19:40Well, I'm just not gonna accept this.
19:43Oh, my God.
19:44I'd have more power in my hands
19:45if I joined one of those
19:47moronic Segway tours of D.C.
19:49I mean, do you have any idea
19:52what I have lost here today?
19:56Don't you?
19:57Really?
19:59Are you not gonna say anything?
20:02Jesus!
20:04Dan, did your boyfriend
20:05know anything about this?
20:07I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence.
20:09That's like trying to use a croissant
20:12as a fucking dildo.
20:14I thought that...
20:15No, no, no.
20:16It doesn't do the job
20:18and it makes a fucking mess.
20:22Get out of my office.
20:28Gary!
20:29Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.
20:30I need something.
20:31Okay, is there anything specific?
20:32I don't fucking know.
20:33I just need something.
20:34I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
20:36I'm gonna call that stupid POTUS myself.
20:38Seriously, I'm gonna tell him
20:39to shove it up his ass.
20:40I don't see any reason...
20:41Hey, ma'am, why don't we just
20:42wait this out, okay?
20:43We can come back to it.
20:45Is that what you're gonna suggest?
20:47Remind me never to get trapped
20:48inside a burning building with you, Mike.
20:50Very good. No fire.
20:51Actually, ma'am, if I may,
20:52I think I have an idea.
20:53What if we went to a friendly senator
20:56and suggested that he or she
20:57take the best parts of clean jobs,
20:59the sanctions on polluters,
21:01tax breaks for the good guys,
21:02and then added that as an amendment
21:04to the fiscal responsibility bill?
21:12Well, that would get the meat of clean jobs.
21:14It would also mean we'd go against
21:15the president's wishes.
21:16That's provocative, ma'am.
21:18Yeah.
21:19Well, I feel like provoking someone.
21:21I really do, Mike.
21:23I'm feeling very fucking provocative.
21:28I'm aware of that, ma'am.
21:29The president won't like that.
21:31I can tell you that right now.
21:33This is the bear trap.
21:35I know you're right.
21:36We can't do this, can we?
21:37We can't.
21:38We can do anything we want
21:40if we really want to.
21:41What is this?
21:43Eat, pray, fucking, love?
21:45Give me a minute.
21:46I can't be seen sneaking through
21:48legislation behind the president's back.
21:50I mean, that would be insane.
21:52It would be disloyal, you know?
21:54Senator McCauley loves this bill,
21:56and he may decide to do it anyway.
21:58Well, if Senator McCauley
22:00wants to do it himself,
22:01then that's great, you know?
22:03It's just that I can't be seen doing it.
22:05Okay?
22:06Okay?
22:07Ma'am, I got you a little bit of ice cream.
22:09I thought that might be just what you wanted.
22:12That is just exactly what I wanted.
22:14Would you get me some whipped cream?
22:16Yeah, give me a minute.
22:19I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't
22:21because I didn't know if you already knew,
22:23but my loyalty is with POTUS.
22:25Bullshit.
22:26You didn't know he was gonna roll over on clean jobs.
22:28You had no fucking idea, did you?
22:30Damn, I had a fucking idea.
22:31You know what, Jonah?
22:32I don't think that we should see each other anymore.
22:34Come on.
22:35I'm sorry.
22:36So, you're saying that...
22:38I mean, just because I'm not as close to POTUS
22:40as you thought I was,
22:42that means that we can't hang out anymore?
22:44What I'm saying, you fucking ape,
22:46is that you are a useless waste
22:48of fucking carbon.
22:50I've been trying to cynically use you,
22:52but you're so fucking low rent,
22:54you can't even be exploited.
22:56Not to mention the fact,
22:58any restaurant that serves anything
23:00in a fuckload is not a nice restaurant.
23:02Where is the bread at this place, asshole?
23:04And you, you upstate New York dick shit.
23:06Watch it.
23:07Yeah, I'll talk about upstate New York.
23:09You guys think you're fucking New York,
23:11but you're not.
23:13And you, with your perpetual five o'clock shadow,
23:15you're not that great to be around.
23:17I don't like you, Dan.
23:19Really? I think you do.
23:21I think you're a little sweet on me, Jonah.
23:23That's why you're so upset.
23:25You know what, Dan?
23:27You're a fucking dick.
23:31Well, careful when you go to sleep tonight, asshole.
23:33Maybe I'll sneak into your apartment
23:35with a bag of oranges and fructose you to death.
23:39Hey, we should send POTUS a postcard from Paris.
23:41What's the French for
23:43shove it up your ass?
23:45God.
23:47Parisian women really intimidate me.
23:49What?
23:51I don't know.
23:53They're so...
23:55Parisian?
23:57You're as stylish as any Parisian woman.
24:01Oh, so are you.
24:05That took too long.
24:08We can't go to Paris.
24:10Shit.
24:12What?
24:14Be quiet.
24:16What?
24:18We're anticipating another tied vote in the Senate.
24:20You need to head back to Bricyde again.
24:22It's gavel time.
24:24What bill is it?
24:26That was a play on it.
24:28It's hammer time.
24:30I know.
24:32What bill is it?
24:34No.
24:36The way my principles and conscience
24:38tell me to go.
24:40Okay.
24:42Which way do you think that should be?
24:44Look,
24:46you already know my feelings on this.
24:48The president does not
24:50want the Clean Jobs Amendment
24:52passed in any form.
24:54Dan, talk,
24:56please.
24:58If it comes down to a tie, vote for it.
25:00You back your own policy.
25:02You think so?
25:04So you are actually saying
25:06that you want me to destroy
25:08the policy that you and I have been working on
25:10for months, actually years
25:12if you think about it, Amy.
25:14Yes.
25:16Wow.
25:18Let me get this straight.
25:20You, Dan, who are absolutely against this policy,
25:22don't say otherwise,
25:24you want me to vote for it.
25:26And you, Amy, who love this policy,
25:28you want me to vote against it.
25:30Yeah?
25:33This is some weird ass
25:35through the looking glass shit right now.
25:37Vote against.
25:39Vote for.
25:41Hey, ma'am, they need you on the floor.
25:43Oh, boy.
25:45Alright, well.
25:49See you later, folks.
25:51Wish me luck.
25:57You got McCauley to add this
25:59amendment, didn't you? I know you did.
26:01McCauley is his own man.
26:03If you did this,
26:05you went against Selena's explicit
26:07orders and you have put this
26:09entire office into a salad spinner
26:11of fuck.
26:17What, are you checking your fantasy
26:19fucking football scores?
26:21Fuck off it.
26:25Hey.
26:27What you gonna do?
26:29On this vote,
26:31the yeas are 50,
26:33the nays are 50,
26:35the Senate being equally
26:37divided, the Vice President
26:39votes in the negative
26:41and the amendment
26:43is not agreed to.
26:49Is this
26:51what I came into politics to do, Amy?
26:53It's a rhetorical question.
26:55Obviously, I didn't come into politics
26:58to do this.
27:00On a happy note, we reassigned
27:02the smiling Secret Service guy.
27:04It's one less grinning
27:06idiot with a gun you have to worry about.
27:08Oh, God. What?
27:10Sorry to disturb you, ma'am.
27:12And yet, you are disturbing me.
27:14POTUS is anxious after recent events
27:16that you don't feel he's trying to nudge you
27:18out of the process of government.
27:20Oh. Isn't that thoughtful, Amy?
27:22So, he would like you to
27:24head up a program that is very important
27:26and very dear to his heart.
27:28No. No. No, no, no, no.
27:30You do not do this to me.
27:32Do not say that it is
27:34obesity. Do not say that
27:36to me.
27:38It's obesity.
27:40I'm sorry, ma'am, but you have drawn a fat straw.
27:42I will have all the relevant documents
27:44forwarded on to your team.
27:46It's your bedtime. Get out of my office.
27:48Good night.
27:52Amy.
27:56I mean, seriously.
27:58Are you believing this fucking day?
28:00I had to pull the plug on clean jobs.
28:02I'm about to go to France.
28:04And now, he gives me obesity.
28:06My God.
28:08I'll tell you something else, too.
28:10This is deliberate, Amy.
28:14The president knows how uncomfortable
28:16I am made by
28:18people.
28:21You want to know the secret
28:23to keeping weight off?
28:25Shut your fucking pie hole.
28:27How about that? It's not rocket science.
28:29I'm not a nutritionist, am I?
28:31No, I'm not. But I do know one thing.
28:33You got to put the corn dog down.
28:35You got to get up off your dead one.
28:37You got to get moving.
28:39Get moving might actually be a good slogan
28:41for this damn thing.
28:43Oh, my God. It's weakness.
28:45That's really all it is. Pure and simple.
28:47It's weakness. It's about self-control.
28:49You don't masturbate in the subway, do you, Amy?
28:51No, you don't.
28:53Do you shit in the street, Amy?
28:55No, of course you don't.
28:57Because you've gotten a hold of yourself.
28:59And now I've got to say what?
29:01I've got to say, I'm the vice president of the United States.
29:03Put the cupcake down.
29:05That's now my job?
29:07I...
29:09Oh, for fuck's sakes.
29:11Have you ever had a weight problem?
29:13Yeah, I have.