Veep Season 2 Episode 4 The Vic Allen Dinner
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00:00What rhymes with majority?
00:17Nothing.
00:18Come on, you still work on that funny song about the new speaker?
00:22Give it a break.
00:23Oh, priority.
00:24And authority.
00:25Sorority.
00:26Oh my God, there's a million words that rhyme with it.
00:29Oh no.
00:30No.
00:31No.
00:32No.
00:33God!
00:34Look where Jonah's coming from.
00:35All that grin, the keys.
00:36Oh, God.
00:37He's been given West Exec parking.
00:39The holy grail.
00:40Parking.
00:41Good morning, gentlemen.
00:42What a delightful day.
00:43You know, I was going to walk to work, but then, uh...
00:48You got West Exec?
00:50It's just a parking spot, Dan.
00:52To be jealous of that, you'd have to be a shallow kind of, uh, I don't know, dick, I guess?
01:00This is the situation room, ma'am.
01:06During the hostage mission, we need to approve a photo for release.
01:09Okay.
01:10Let's see.
01:11Oh my God, look at Ben.
01:14Look at the size of his coffee mug.
01:17Jeez, you could hide a baby in that thing.
01:20Ooh, I look nice though, huh?
01:23Yeah, you do.
01:24You look concerned but steely.
01:26Yeah.
01:27Like a lady soldier.
01:29Oh, there are not going to be any veterans at this teen prayer breakfast thing tomorrow,
01:34are there?
01:35No, ma'am.
01:36No missing legs.
01:37Okay, here's all the details of the youth leaders that you're going to be meeting.
01:41Man, who the hell is religious as a teenager?
01:46Bella's.
01:47I mean, smoke some weed for Christ's sake, right?
01:50Oh, God, look at the president.
01:53Jeez, he looks so...
01:54He looks jowly.
01:55Ah, look at those cheeks.
01:57It's like two little clutch bags attached to his face.
02:01Oh my God, with the bags.
02:03There's always bags with you.
02:04You've got to get out of the bag zone.
02:06Come on, Gary.
02:08Sir?
02:09Gentlemen.
02:10Oh, very exciting about this new demographic study you're planning.
02:13It should be.
02:14Dream Metric will reveal the electoral battlegrounds it truly is.
02:17It's comparable to the invention of the microscope.
02:19Yeah.
02:20Would it be okay if I showed you some ideas I had regarding strategy?
02:22No time, Mr. Regan.
02:23Sorry.
02:24They're mostly flash-based but I put them on YouTube.
02:25You just said...
02:26I had no time.
02:27We're all being hit by deadlines.
02:29Right, Mike?
02:30Yes, sir.
02:31They can swing around and smack you like a boom.
02:35You sail, Mike?
02:36Have a boat?
02:37Yes, sir.
02:38An 87 Gulfstar 50.
02:40Great cruiser.
02:41Nothing fancy but she gets the job done.
02:43You know, like a cast iron skillet or Kevin Bacon.
02:47I've got a Lagoon 380.
02:48Catering?
02:49Yeah.
02:50That's real man sailing.
02:51Leaning out in the tack, your big man balls dipping in the salty sea.
02:54Yeah, you're right there, my friend.
02:56You know, I have no children and I wish for none but she's my family.
03:02You know, I once went power boating on Lake Erie.
03:05Amazing rush.
03:08I need to go.
03:13You don't talk power boating to a sailor, Stan.
03:16What's the fucking difference?
03:21Hey.
03:22Hey.
03:24Have you been?
03:25No.
03:26Do you have time to just sit there?
03:28You've already bugged the shit out of everyone else in the building.
03:31I'm sorry, what?
03:33Say that again, I just...
03:34Jonah, out.
03:35Or else I'll see if my pepper spray works.
03:38Morning, guys.
03:39Morning.
03:4213,000.
03:43No, 14,500.
03:45Is this the amount of times you've admired yourself in the mirror today?
03:49No, I'm guessing that's the difference in salary between this job and the one that you just interviewed for.
03:53You think I had a job interview?
03:55I know you had a job interview.
03:57How sure luck.
03:58Simple makeup, higher neckline, flats don't go with that dress,
04:01which means you probably have heels in your bag, coffee from Corner Bakery,
04:04implying you were at one of the lobbying shops on 18th.
04:07I love this stuff.
04:08Yeah, that and somebody called your extension to make sure you had the right address.
04:14Hey, is Danny Chung gonna be performing tonight?
04:17Mm-hmm.
04:18What's he gonna be doing?
04:19I think he'll be pulling Bon Jovi out of a burning tank in case we all forgot what a fucking war hero he is.
04:24Yeah.
04:25No, we have no official comment.
04:27No, that is not a non-comment, we're just not commenting.
04:30What?
04:31How did this photo get out there?
04:33Can we delete it off the Internet then?
04:35No, I don't know what I'm talking about.
04:37What?
04:38What's going on here?
04:39Ma'am, the White House released this picture.
04:43What?
04:44No, no, this isn't...
04:45Amy?
04:46This isn't the photo that we approved.
04:48No.
04:49Look at this.
04:50It looks like I'm tweeting when a guy loses his leg.
04:53Yeah, it does, ma'am.
04:56This Kent's doing.
04:58He's trying to screw me.
04:59I'm gonna go stab him.
05:00I'm stabbing him.
05:03Get from this point.
05:04All right.
05:05It's unprecedented.
05:06Get out.
05:07Get out.
05:08You too, Amy.
05:09I don't want any witnesses in here.
05:10I'm not kidding.
05:11Don't start running the acid bath.
05:13Yeah.
05:14This is the photograph?
05:15No.
05:16Just wondering if you think this sweater goes with the dress.
05:18Look, the other photos caught POTUS at a bad angle.
05:23Vis-a-vis jowls.
05:25What?
05:27It's a bad look.
05:28That's how he looks.
05:29That's his face.
05:31Why don't you just take the good one of me, Photoshop it in?
05:35I can't airbrush history, ma'am.
05:37I'm not Joseph Stalin.
05:38No, no, that's true.
05:39You're not.
05:40You don't have a tenth of his charm.
05:43Okay.
05:44I'm just going to go work on my Jim Marwood song.
05:47We're in budget talks, reaching across the aisle.
05:50POTUS does not want the speaker mocked.
05:53Oh, so now I have to have Dan and Mike Rogers and Hammer Shit come up with a new song in an afternoon?
05:59We can laugh at ourselves.
06:01Maybe you should do a funny bit about the photograph.
06:04Own the situation.
06:06Own this.
06:07She was multitasking.
06:09You need to get off the phone.
06:10It's a thing women can do, like smelling nice and wrapping gifts.
06:14Bye, Top.
06:16Were you on top of this or what?
06:18Well, we were busy writing youth culture references and a funny song about the speaker.
06:26I don't even know what you just said.
06:28What are you laughing about, Jolly Green Jizz Face?
06:31I'm sorry, ma'am.
06:32Goddamn, why are you even here?
06:34Oh, I came here to tell you that you're a meme man.
06:36I'm a meme man?
06:37What are you talking about?
06:38Speak English, boy.
06:39I'm a meme, an internet phenomenon.
06:41Oh, okay.
06:42Yes, there are photoshopped versions of this springing up all over Twitter.
06:48You have the Declaration of Independence with Mary Magdalene at the crucifixion.
06:532004 tsunami.
06:55Well, if there was a tsunami, you'd be genuinely looking at your phone because you'd be checking the weather.
07:00You know what? I don't need you to talk.
07:03How do we stop this meme ma'am shit?
07:05No, it's just a meme ma'am, not a meme ma'am.
07:07And usually they flame out after about 48 hours, but sometimes they blow up and become a super meme like Downfall or Gangnam.
07:13I love Gangnam.
07:14What did I just say?
07:15If it gets on Reddit or Tumblr, that can happen.
07:18Yeah, okay.
07:19You gotta get out of here, okay?
07:21Take all these meaningless syllables with you and just get out.
07:24Yes, absolutely ma'am.
07:25Oh, and I will see you at the dinner tonight.
07:28Oh my God, yeah.
07:30Okay, yeah, that's a cherry on top of this whole turd cake.
07:33Oh, your leg. Could you fix your leg so I can see your whole leg? Fix it, yeah.
07:38Okay, POTUS said that we can't do the song about the speaker at the Vic Allen dinner. We can't do it.
07:44Speaker song is cut?
07:45Yeah.
07:46It was hilarious.
07:47Well, I don't know what to say.
07:48It was not that hilarious.
07:49You're out of your head, dude. That would have made people pissing their pants.
07:52Hey, hey, hey!
07:55Let's do a new song about Kent.
07:58Kent?
07:59Mm-hmm.
08:00You think?
08:01Make fun of ourselves, that's what he said.
08:04I kind of like that.
08:06I do, I kind of like that.
08:07Mm-hmm.
08:08All right, we'll do it. I have no problem with that. Let's go. That's what we're gonna do. Let's go.
08:14Just stop the filibuster, buster.
08:17That's good.
08:18That's not a rhyme. You're just matching a word with the same word.
08:22Just write it down, Dan. I'm in a zone.
08:25Comedy songs are the mark of a douchebag.
08:28You're wrong.
08:29You know why?
08:30Three words.
08:31Weird Al Yankovic.
08:33Shit, Al. Yank is shit.
08:35You shut your mouth, okay?
08:37Just, uh...
08:39Protect the endangered goose, Bruce.
08:41These are all great. A parody song of 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover. Great idea.
08:45Really?
08:46Yeah.
08:47If the first one bombs, people are gonna be sitting out there thinking,
08:49Shit, the bed. We got 49 more of these to go.
08:52Healthy oil lobby, Bobby. That's a good one.
08:55Let's follow Jonah.
08:57That is so childish.
09:01Why are we doing this?
09:03Because it's pointless, like everything else that we do.
09:07You still pissed you can't get in with Kent?
09:09Nobody can. He's half robot, half robot. He's a robot.
09:13Yeah, that's the challenge, Mike.
09:14See, in college, all the girls liked me.
09:16There was this one girl, smart, who had no interest in me.
09:22She wasn't gay either, I checked.
09:24So it became my mission to sleep with her.
09:26And did you?
09:29No.
09:31And that failure has haunted me to this very day.
09:34I have a similar story, but the other way around.
09:37In college, there was only one girl that was interested in me.
09:41And, turns out, she was actually a lesbian.
09:51Everyone is a little off.
09:53Dan is bored. Sue is looking for another job.
09:57What? Really?
09:59And the stuff you're saying to Gary...
10:03What? Gary's not happy with me?
10:06What?
10:07Because, I mean, he'd be happy if I shot him in the face.
10:10He would be. I've actually thought about it.
10:13He feels, since he got that girlfriend, Dana, you've been weird with him.
10:17Okay, can you please, can you please not do that?
10:20See, that is another thing. The leg.
10:23Well, he did lose a whole leg.
10:25That's like half of what he should have, right?
10:29I'm fine. Look, I can handle this whole thing. I can.
10:34Sue, you are incredibly valued here.
10:37And I was wondering if there's anything we could do to make you want to stay with us.
10:40More money, ma'am.
10:41I'm on it. Welcome back.
10:42Honor to serve.
10:45Just bought Sue for a dollar. Who's next?
10:47Gary?
10:48Gary?
10:49I'll talk to Gary.
10:50How about doing that outside of the office?
10:53Invite him to dinner, maybe?
10:55Wow. I've never eaten with Gary before.
11:00I've eaten next to him, but...
11:04Uh, okay, yeah. I can do that.
11:07Good morning, Jonette.
11:08You're pathetic.
11:09Jonette!
11:10Yeah, coming with me when you guys get in the office, huh?
11:13Everyone hates him.
11:15Yeah, but we hated him first.
11:16Oh, yeah, we hated him long before it was even fashionable to hate him.
11:23This is like a wildlife documentary. Jonah in his natural habitat.
11:26He might defecate in a bush.
11:33What is this?
11:34I don't know.
11:36Jonah!
11:37Hey.
11:38Busy?
11:39No. I just had to get some of these binder clips.
11:42Oh.
11:43From another building, huh?
11:45Yeah, we ran out of the White House.
11:47Isn't there a guy, though, that can get that?
11:49Yeah, I think there would be.
11:51Yeah, but he's off sick.
11:53Who is?
11:54Steve.
11:55What's poor old Steve come down with?
11:57He has diabetes.
11:58Oh.
11:59Wow, that's a big one.
12:00What type?
12:01Two.
12:03Yeah.
12:04What are the symptoms of two, again?
12:06Oh, he's just feeling bad.
12:08He's, uh...
12:10You know, he's sugary.
12:11Yeah.
12:12He's not sugary enough.
12:14Right.
12:15Yeah.
12:16Are there any other symptoms?
12:18Uh, yeah, he's got fat wrists.
12:20You know.
12:21Yeah.
12:22You, uh, getting freezed out by Kent?
12:25We've been watching you, Jonah.
12:27You're obsolete.
12:28You're like an old VCR with a bigger mouth.
12:31You guys have been following me.
12:32Yeah.
12:33You've been following me.
12:34Like Nancy Drew and his butt-sniffing dog.
12:37And I'm the one that has nothing to do?
12:39Cool the honey, bro.
12:41We're very busy.
12:42We're writing a comical song.
12:44Shut up, Mike.
12:45Well, I might have nothing to do, gentlemen,
12:48but at least when I'm crying about it,
12:51I am crying about it in my car
12:54in West Wing Exec parking.
12:5850 ways to win in Denver.
13:01La la.
13:03Hey, ma'am, thanks again for inviting me to dinner.
13:06Sure.
13:07It's an honor.
13:08I actually wrote in my diary
13:10and stared at it for a full five minutes.
13:12My treat for you.
13:16Would you set it all up, please,
13:18and check the menu, too?
13:21Of course.
13:23No, no, no, I actually really do mean that.
13:25Figure out the restaurant and everything.
13:28Okay, okay.
13:32Um, to...
13:33Yes, Carrie, what is it?
13:37Can Dana come home?
13:43Oh, really?
13:44No, I didn't say it was a bad idea.
13:48It's okay if she can't.
13:50Um, no, it's good.
13:52It's fine.
13:54You are gonna love her.
13:57She's a total gal's gal.
13:59Oh, I can't wait.
14:00She says this one thing that I think you should...
14:02Can you get me my throat spray?
14:03I need that.
14:04Sure.
14:05Do you have it?
14:06Ah, sol la ti do.
14:10No, no, no, don't sing it with me.
14:11That fucks me up.
14:20Ahem!
14:21Madam Vice President,
14:23I always feel like I should curtsy,
14:25and then I remember,
14:27that doesn't make sense.
14:28No, it certainly does not.
14:31You know, um, Amy Brookheimer,
14:33my chief of staff?
14:34Mr. Speaker, it's nice to see you again.
14:36Amy.
14:37Now, am I getting older,
14:38or are you getting younger?
14:41We're both getting older.
14:43That's the third option, of course.
14:45That's great stuff.
14:47I understand there's gonna be a bit of a joke.
14:49Truce tonight?
14:50A cessation of hostilities?
14:53Absolutely.
14:54There will be no jokes from me.
14:56I'm not going to mention the photograph.
15:01Or are you internet shopping?
15:03I'm joking.
15:04Or rather, I'm not.
15:06There we are.
15:07Okay.
15:11You know, I was at that same prayer breakfast
15:13about a month or so ago.
15:15Oh, were you?
15:16Yeah, aren't they great kids?
15:17They're great.
15:18And they seemed excited as young voters
15:20about the possibility of a veteran becoming president.
15:24Not necessarily me.
15:25Okay.
15:27Well, they seemed very excited about the possibility
15:29of a woman becoming president.
15:31Not necessarily you.
15:34Well, my enhanced foreign policy role will serve me well.
15:39Hey, it is good to be on top of international relations.
15:41Sure.
15:42So there are fewer opportunities for guys like me
15:45to risk our lives.
15:46Oh, absolutely, absolutely.
15:48And limbs.
15:51Are you not finishing this?
15:52I'm gonna take it.
15:54Okay.
15:55Amy, you should stop eating so much.
15:59What the fuck are you talking about?
16:02You're stress-eating.
16:04I'm not.
16:05I'm having dessert.
16:06I think you're letting the pressures of the office
16:08get to you.
16:09You barely have a life outside.
16:11You don't go to the gym.
16:12You don't go to the movies.
16:13You're barely at home.
16:14That's true.
16:16I mean, I hope I don't have a cat,
16:18because believe me, that poor fucker's dead.
16:21You need to date, Amy.
16:23Find yourself a political nerd who also showers.
16:26I'm just saying.
16:27I'm working out for you.
16:28I wouldn't want you to become a fat neurotic freak.
16:31Speaking as a friend.
16:36We have a lot of special performances tonight
16:39and a lot of fun ahead.
16:41Danny Chung.
16:42So he pulled a guy from the tank.
16:44You save four guys from captivity.
16:46Yeah, and they weren't burnt, by the way.
16:48Chung's guy had a face like a Christmas ham.
16:51Governor Danny Chung!
16:58All right.
17:00You know, this administration has faced many challenges.
17:04But until now, nobody's thrown down a beatbox challenge.
17:13Well, that isn't impressive at all.
17:27It's just spinning, right?
17:28Yeah.
17:29Ladies and gentlemen, Minnesota's in the house.
17:35I said, well, was it money or sex?
17:39And he said, no, the guy from Fox News,
17:42the only one who stopped and asked for directions.
17:49To be serious, for just a moment,
17:52I think we need to give a big round of applause to the vice president
17:58for the part that she played in setting free those young guys
18:03who had been held against their will for so long.
18:06Madam vice president, thank you.
18:12Of course, all she had to do was unlock her bedroom door,
18:15but thanks anyway.
18:18Well, at least she didn't look down her nose at them.
18:25Okay, okay.
18:26Thank you so much for listening to me.
18:28I need a joke.
18:31I need a joke.
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30:08Yeah. Make sure he goes through with it.
30:14That's the Latino vote, right? That thing?
30:19Mike, my office.
30:20Sir.
30:35Pen.
30:37I leased a Nissan Cube from you the other day.
30:41What are my options if I don't need it anymore?
30:44Can I just give that back?
30:48No?
31:06Don't piss off Wall Street, please.
31:09Don't mention Israel.
31:11Catherine!
31:20Get out of GCC.
31:33Yeah!