Veep Season 3 Episode 3 Alicia
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00:00Is this the last one, Leesh?
00:27I cannot walk another step with my Louboutin heels.
00:30Yeah, Louboutin, right.
00:32And who wear fake heels at breakfast time?
00:34They do.
00:35Alicia?
00:36Alicia Bryce?
00:38Hey, you're Alicia Bryce, right?
00:40Who wants to know?
00:41Curb-crawling asshole.
00:43My name's Jonah Ryan. I'm a reporter.
00:45I am straight digging your campaign.
00:47Uh-huh. What campaign?
00:48Your child care campaign.
00:50I live three miles from the White House.
00:52Might as well be three million miles.
00:54All right, I'll talk.
00:57Oh, that clown car got a giant clown in it.
01:01Hold up, hold up. Hey there, Alicia here.
01:03Whoa, my website is ryontology.net, and I'm a storyteller.
01:07And I want to tell real stories about real people, okay?
01:11I'm like John Steinbeck in that regard, you know, or Denzel Washington.
01:15Um, you want to ask me a question?
01:17Yes. Tell me your story, question mark.
01:21Okay, um, I'm a single mom.
01:23Mm-hmm.
01:24I have a six-year-old daughter named Halo.
01:26And sometimes when I take her to school, you know, we have some problems because of that.
01:30Oh, shit.
01:31What?
01:32Excuse me?
01:35Alicia, I'm Amy Brookheimer. We spoke yesterday.
01:38Oh, my God, yes, yes. Hi.
01:41Hi, Amy. Great seeing you.
01:43You guys know each other?
01:44Yeah, we dated.
01:46I was kind of Amy's boss at the time.
01:48It got complicated, but she's basically a good kid.
01:51Um, do you mind, uh, maybe we can go inside?
01:53That's a great idea.
01:54Yeah, that'd be great. Let's go inside.
01:56Um, some other time.
01:58Okay, some other time.
01:59All right.
02:00I'm gonna hold you to that.
02:01All right.
02:02I'll see you later.
02:04I was just sitting on the corner.
02:06What?
02:07Nothing.
02:12Halo, baby, come out here and meet Miss Amy from the vice president's office.
02:16Well, hello.
02:17Do you like Power Rangers?
02:21Okay, well, um, you can go back and sit with Grandma, okay?
02:25Well, I'm gonna get right to it.
02:27The Veep wants you to be with her when she announces she's running for president.
02:32Oh, my God.
02:33She's a really big fan of yours, Alicia.
02:35Yeah, you know?
02:36In fact, right now, she is at her desk patiently waiting to speak with you.
02:42Ma'am, outdoors risks rained on hair and running mascara.
02:46Do you want to look like Alice Cooper?
02:48My second marriage took place in the rain, and you could see my nipples in all the photos.
02:53I'm doing the speech outside, all right?
02:56All great speeches are done outside.
02:58Gettysburg, Mount Sinai.
03:00The speech I made in Philadelphia three weeks ago.
03:02Which was fantastic.
03:03Which was fucking fantastic.
03:04That was inside, huh?
03:06Oh, that was inside.
03:08Ma'am, ma'am, it's Amy.
03:10She sounds uncomfortable like she's with a member of the public.
03:12Okay, that's what she's got one of the normals here.
03:15Okay, space.
03:17We're not gonna be dealing with space as an issue in the speech.
03:20Space is bold, but safe at the same time.
03:22There are no votes in space.
03:23There's nothing there.
03:24Hi, Amy.
03:25I am going to pass you on to Alicia, ma'am.
03:27Alicia?
03:28Alicia Keys?
03:30Alicia Bryce, that's right, ma'am.
03:32Oh, Alicia Bryce.
03:34Oh, she's doing the walk to the White House.
03:37I know.
03:38Right, she wants universal child care, right?
03:40Yeah, I know who she is.
03:41Child care, exactly.
03:43Amy, put her on.
03:46Alicia.
03:47Hi!
03:48Hi.
03:49Hi, Madam Vice President.
03:52How are you?
03:53I just want you to know that universal child care is something I'm gonna be passionate about in my campaign.
03:59And I can't wait to see you on this special day.
04:02Thank you so much for being a part of all of it.
04:06I'm very honored.
04:08Okay, bye-bye.
04:09Okay, yeah.
04:11Ma'am?
04:12Yeah, I'm in the middle of a lot of shit right now, so I'm hanging up.
04:16Yeah, we are delighted, too.
04:19Ma'am, child care.
04:22Children are of no value.
04:23Forget child care.
04:25Children are vital, Kenny Rogers.
04:27We're not all planning to die alone like you.
04:34So are you excited to be here?
04:36You bet.
04:37So if your girl makes president, you guys double your pay, right?
04:41I don't know, do we, Amy?
04:42That's not, no, it's not how it works.
04:45The vice president is so happy that we found you, Alicia.
04:47Kent, this is Alicia Bryce, the universal child care lady.
04:52Hi.
04:53Sure.
04:56Oh, whatever it is I'm selling, he is not buying.
04:59Don't worry, he's like that with all the humans.
05:01No, he thinks you're great. I'm just gonna remind him.
05:03Yeah, please do, Amy.
05:05Mike, I've been waiting for an hour for excerpts from the speech.
05:08Leon, today is a very high-pressure day, and as you know me, I don't even like high-pressure showers.
05:13Is that what I've been smelling? Thought maybe it was your panic.
05:16He's kidding. I shower, of course.
05:18And you like to use a lot of cologne. Like a lot of cologne.
05:22Axe body spray, right, Mike?
05:24Okay, guys, if we could put Mr. West back in the press area and keep him there. Thank you.
05:30Miss Bryce?
05:31Mm-hmm.
05:32Sue Wilson.
05:34What does a red sticker mean? I'm like a target for snipers.
05:39It means you're wearing a red sticker.
05:41Follow me, please.
05:44Uh, ma'am, I spoke to Senator Doyle earlier, and he offered his input on configuration of guests.
05:50Doyle? You're kidding me. I'd rather get advice from a fucking Ouija board.
05:54Sue, where's Catherine?
05:56She's late, ma'am.
05:57Yeah, she better have been in an accident.
05:59Damn, this rewrite kicks balls and ass. It explains me. It really articulates me.
06:04It's beautifully put together, like me.
06:07Oh, yeah.
06:08It's great. It's locked.
06:09Oh, thank God.
06:11You just have a couple of tweaks. If you go to paragraph two on page one, that's where you'll see my notes.
06:16I thought you just said it was locked.
06:18Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is. It's structurally very sound. We just need to nail the wording, okay?
06:24Um, ma'am?
06:26Yes?
06:27This Saturday Night Live shitstorm, it just hit nine on the Sphinxier scale.
06:31The sketch?
06:32Yeah, three million hits.
06:33Oh, those shit stains.
06:35So what? I had a horse as a kid. Who didn't?
06:38I mean, have a pet is what I meant.
06:40Well, ma'am, in your book, you say that pony grooming taught you about how tough it is for American farmers.
06:46That's right. I did say that.
06:47That's funny.
06:48Why is that funny?
06:49No, I can't watch it. Did you see it?
06:51No, I don't watch this show. It's completely juvenile.
06:55What are you doing, honey?
06:57I'm learning how hard it is to be a farmer. It's really, really hard.
07:04Finish!
07:06It's like SNL is going back in time and abusing a child.
07:09I'm Selina Meyer, and I approve my pony.
07:13Like I always say, nothing less funny than a comedian.
07:17Ma'am, the thing to do in this situation is you own it, alright? You go on the show, and you own it.
07:22Are you kidding me, Dan?
07:24If somebody takes a shit in your car, what are you going to do?
07:27Are you going to drop your trowel and take a crap through the sunroof?
07:31I don't think so, buddy.
07:32Get on the phone to SNL and fix this.
07:35Ma'am, this has speech implications.
07:38Oh, please.
07:39Sue, can I impose myself on your diagram over here?
07:41Come on over. Sue Costa is Sue Costa, sir.
07:47Wait a minute.
07:48That's funny, Sue.
07:49What are you saying?
07:50Well, thanks to Saturday Night Live, we need to take Disabled Farmer off the steps.
07:55No, we don't.
07:56You've got to take him out of the speech, so Dan, you've got to lose him.
07:58So now we need to replace Disabled Farmer with somebody else.
08:02No, you're not going to replace him.
08:03Oh, wait. Shit. You know what? We can't lose the farmer.
08:05Because if we do that, then we've got to get rid of the sensitive New York fitness guy.
08:08And then we can't go Metropolitan if we're not going to hit Middle America.
08:10You need to rewrite the speech.
08:12No!
08:13I can't rewrite the rewrite, Ken. I'm still writing it.
08:15That's the reality, Dan.
08:17If you don't like the reality, go live in Oregon and make quilts with my mother.
08:22She could use the help.
08:23Guys, guys. Everything here is sacred.
08:26This is staying exactly the way it is, okay?
08:30Exactly.
08:31For the first time in four years, I can say what I really think.
08:35You start picking this thing apart, and what am I left as?
08:39Some sort of optimistic warmonger with a soft spot for educated gays?
08:45What's the holdup? President Lincoln should be back from the theater by now.
08:50Good things come to those who wait.
08:53Oh, quit your yakking, because guess who's packing?
08:57Give me one of those.
08:58Uh, legit journalist only.
08:59Yeah, not some pissant who narrow-casts lifeless poison from his mother's phone.
09:03You know what, Leon? I'm the future of news media, so...
09:06Hey, Mike, this is just a press release.
09:08No, it's not.
09:09Uh, Jonah, I'm going to have your credentials checked.
09:12Jonad. Jonad.
09:14Oh, yeah, real professional, Mike.
09:16Jonad. Jonad. Jonad.
09:19Jonad. Jonad.
09:21Mike, hi. Is this what this was supposed to be?
09:25Sorry, yeah, I'm just yelling at the media.
09:27Yes, yes, yes, yes, there is a...
09:29Oh, hey, Steps VIPs, you guys are an inspiration.
09:33Put your boss on the phone, or I will sauté your sack, you SNL shitstick.
09:39Red stickers assemble.
09:40That was Sue. She says it's time for you guys to become Steps superstars.
09:46I need all Steps VIPs, please.
09:48That's you. You dare to dream.
09:50Everyone with a red sticker.
09:51Are you ready? Come on. Here we go.
09:56Mike, half of America just came in.
10:00This is like Black Friday at Walmart.
10:03No, no, no, no, no. These people are filler. You are killer.
10:06Seriously, you are a big d...
10:08Gary, Gary, Gary, come here, come here, come here.
10:10I wanted you to meet Alicia.
10:12Alicia, hey, it's so nice to meet you.
10:15Ooh, you're VIP.
10:16Yeah, I was just telling her how special she is.
10:19Like, like, who's this lady in the back row? I don't even know her.
10:21Her?
10:22Yeah.
10:23Just beat cancer.
10:24Yeah, but not a bad one. An easy one, like finger or skin.
10:27Not one of the hard ones.
10:29Are they all as special as me?
10:31No.
10:32No? Are you kidding?
10:33This guy here is just an injured fireman.
10:35Yeah, I don't see any scars.
10:38Foster mom and heroic restaurateur to switch places, please.
10:42Heroic restaurateur.
10:44Oh, I just made an omelet. I'm a hero.
10:47Oh, uh, Hazel has to pee.
10:50Hey, Amy, where are the chaperones?
10:52The St. Joseph Children's Choir has come down with a vomiting bug.
10:56All 30 of them.
10:57So the chaperones are drowning in children at the moment.
11:00Um, I can, I can take you. I'm going that way anyway.
11:03So why don't you come with me?
11:05Do I take her hand?
11:06Yes, hold Miss Amy's hand.
11:07Okay.
11:08Amy was born to be with kids.
11:10Well, peeing is fun.
11:12There you go.
11:13All right, this is my spot.
11:14Okay, are we ready?
11:17How are you all doing? Are you good?
11:19I feel good.
11:21Thank you all for being here.
11:23You look like a pretty toy soldier.
11:25Okay, don't do salute.
11:27Ma'am, may I present your VIP.
11:29Oh, Karen.
11:31Ma'am, I loved you on Saturday Night Live. You were hysterical.
11:34Oh, that wasn't me, though. But, um, wasn't it funny?
11:38Yes.
11:39So funny, I know.
11:40This one here.
11:41Alicia Bryce. We get to meet each other at last.
11:44Yes.
11:45Wonderful.
11:46I am passionate about universal child care.
11:48Ma'am, I'm so glad to talk to you.
11:51I think you should also move.
11:52It's a little distracting.
11:54Yeah, it is. It's distracting.
11:55So distracting.
11:56Yes.
11:57Sorry.
11:58Ma'am, I didn't get a chance to say on the phone,
12:00but 38% of our kids have no regular child care arrangements.
12:0438%.
12:05Oh.
12:06I mean, it's two out of every five kids. I mean, 38%.
12:09Right?
12:1038%. That's it.
12:12I'm glad you echo my concerns.
12:14No, I do. I do. I echo your concerns.
12:16And I'm going to see you soon.
12:18And that's 100%.
12:20Oh, well, you can repeat 100% anytime you like, ma'am.
12:22Well, I will, ma'am. 100%.
12:24Okay.
12:26Where's he been?
12:28Okay. Great P.
12:30So I want to know who's responsible for that sketch, you cocktail napkin.
12:35Yeah, you heard me.
12:36Dan, Amy.
12:37Shit, I got to go.
12:38Senator Doyle.
12:39Hey, I have a meeting scheduled with the vice president right now,
12:43and it is right now.
12:45Right now.
12:46Dan, you take this. Right now.
12:48What?
12:50No, I can't talk, because I'm on another call.
12:53You guys are an inspiration.
12:55No, not this one.
12:57Mike, I need D.
12:59She's outside. I need her to watch Halo.
13:01No problem. I will get D.
13:04You okay, baby?
13:07Yeah, it's good, except this order's wrong,
13:09because you can't have hospital after military.
13:12But you wanted military first.
13:14Yeah, I know.
13:16But you can't have hospitals after war.
13:18That's what I'm saying.
13:19Because then they sound like they're the result of war.
13:21It's the curse of the unintended narrative.
13:23Okay, but you still want military first.
13:25Yes!
13:26Yeah, I want to say them simultaneously.
13:29Yeah, like those Tibetan throat singers, Dan.
13:31Ma'am, you got to dump the universal child care.
13:34Jesus, Doyle, where did you just come from?
13:36Universal child care is a bottomless money pit.
13:39You pledge this, you can forget about having a navy.
13:42Okay, sweetheart, don't get your panties all up in a wad.
13:45I'm just mentioning Alicia Bryce by name.
13:48I am not appointing her to my Joint Chiefs of Staff.
13:51Do I look like I rode in on the last fuck truck, Selena?
13:54You are smuggling in universal child care.
13:57You sound paranoid.
13:59Okay, I'm mentioning child care, that's it.
14:01Oh, so we can say anything now.
14:03All right, we can say we can heal the sick.
14:06We can turn water into blowjobs.
14:08All right, we're done here.
14:09Look, Selena, play it safe.
14:11Put the AARP on those steps.
14:14Seniors vote.
14:15They've got nothing else to do.
14:17Oh, I got a senior up there.
14:18I'm looking right at him.
14:20Okay?
14:21Well, maybe you don't have him.
14:23What?
14:24Excuse me.
14:25I take this.
14:26Calls from a senior member of the party that you hope to lead.
14:31What do you want me to do?
14:32You want me to be just some sort of a party puppet?
14:35You can stick your hand up my ass and work my mouth?
14:38Yes, please.
14:39Gosh.
14:40And what were you bobbleheads doing
14:42while I was just getting earfucked by Father Tom?
14:44Senator Doyle is correct, ma'am.
14:46No, he's not.
14:47Grave vote is a given, but universal child care,
14:49that spooks the horses.
14:51Seniors are the easy vote.
14:53Child care is a principle.
14:56Ma'am, you have plenty of principles.
14:58Just got to pick another one.
15:00Oh, my gosh.
15:02I can't believe this.
15:06You know the D don't stand for anything.
15:09That's like me asking you,
15:10what does the Mike stand for?
15:12Stands for my kind of guy.
15:14You're kind of lame.
15:16Uh, Mike.
15:17Honey, I dropped the kids.
15:19What?
15:20Oh, no, no, no, no.
15:21The chaperone said the choir will sing, Liam.
15:23No, universal child care.
15:25Rumor has it Celina's dropping it.
15:27Wait, wait, what?
15:28No, absolutely not.
15:29It is a priority for the vice president.
15:31Yeah, it better be.
15:33Oh, who's the bulldog?
15:34New campaign manager?
15:36My name is D.
15:37And you're a what?
15:38Fucking nobody?
15:39Because don't nobody talk to D like that.
15:41Okay.
15:42Let's go, D.
15:43That was a good put time.
15:44It was okay.
15:45All right, look here.
15:46Yeah.
15:47You wrote all you who.
15:48Oh, ma'am, SNL just emailed me back.
15:50Oh, crap in my lap.
15:52What?
15:53What is it?
15:54What?
15:55They're gonna do another sketch.
15:59Wait a minute.
16:01They're gonna what?
16:02Is this your doing?
16:04Did you give them this idea, Dan?
16:07I don't do offended,
16:08but I am affronted that you would even think that.
16:14Fucking comedians.
16:15Fucking comedians.
16:16I'll tell you what happens.
16:17They get bullied when they're little at school,
16:19and then they perpetuate the cycle by bullying me.
16:22I'm gonna take care of this.
16:23I'm gonna call those fucking nerds right now.
16:24Yeah, get that done.
16:26Sorry I was late.
16:27I was giving that speech at...
16:29Oh.
16:30Hey.
16:31Great mind think alike.
16:33Hey, you look like you're in one of those body swap comedies.
16:37What in the wide world of fuck do you think you're wearing?
16:41Nice to see you, too.
16:43I was trying to be conservative.
16:45You haven't dressed like this since you were two and a half.
16:48This makes me look like I'm some sort of a crazy person
16:51that was deliberately trying to make us look like twins.
16:54Okay, I'm not trying to make you look crazy.
16:57Well, then go and change to this outfit.
16:59Seriously, this is ridiculous.
17:02Well, why don't you change?
17:05Huh?
17:06Is that a joke?
17:09Yes.
17:12This is my day.
17:15I'm making you know.
17:19Cute.
17:20A little Selena.
17:24I just got off the phone with the congressional leadership
17:27and they're stuck in traffic,
17:29so we may not make it to the steps.
17:34Do you hear that?
17:37Um...
17:39Are you threatening me?
17:41Oh, no. No.
17:42Traffic is really bad.
17:44So the car might be stuck there forever.
17:47So I'm supposed to let a bunch of dead-eyed white guys...
17:54shit all over absolutely everything that I stand for.
17:59Huh?
18:02I'm not going to let the party dictate to me.
18:05Okay.
18:07Okay.
18:14Shit!
18:32I've decided that I'm going to let them dictate to me
18:39because that is my decision.
18:42Do you understand that?
18:43I am letting them do that.
18:46Get it?
18:47Yes, ma'am.
18:48Right.
18:49But they do not own me!
18:53They really don't, ma'am.
18:55No, they don't!
18:56No, they don't!
19:04So...
19:09We're losing childcare?
19:13You're replacing it with seniors?
19:29Okay, benevolent taxi driver should move to his left.
19:32Mr. Davis, can you move to the left, please?
19:34It's Miss D, my VIP!
19:38Excuse me, ma'am. Could you go back to where you were standing?
19:40I'll be real fast.
19:41What's wrong with that lady face?
19:43Looks like something crawled up in here and died.
19:45Mike, childcare has been axed.
19:47What?
19:48You need to dump Alicia, insensitively.
19:49I can't, Amy!
19:59What's wrong? You look like you killed a hooker.
20:01No, I didn't.
20:05This is slightly worse.
20:08Alicia, you may know what I'm about to say,
20:10so please feel free to say it that way.
20:13I don't really have to say it.
20:15Could I talk to Amy?
20:17Thank you. Yes, Amy. Amy.
20:19Not Amy.
20:20Alicia requested Amy...
20:24Amy's on the phone and walking.
20:28We have to...
20:30We have to stand you down, Alicia, for this event.
20:33We're not gonna need you.
20:35This is unbelievable.
20:37I know, and I apologize.
20:39If we have wasted your time or inconvenienced you.
20:41You ain't wasted nobody's time,
20:42because we're gonna use that time to kick your ass.
20:44I'm angry, too.
20:45Look, I want to kick my own ass.
20:47I'll do it for you.
20:48I've punched myself in the face before.
20:50I ran into a wall once.
20:51I want to kick my own ass.
20:52Mike, I'm freaking tired of you, okay?
20:53Dee, please.
20:54The vice president is going to West Virginia next month
20:56to visit a kindergarten.
20:57You could come with us.
20:58You're not going to West Virginia.
21:00You don't look like going to any Virginia.
21:01I have to take this call.
21:02I don't know who it's from, but I have to take this call.
21:03Mike, no.
21:04Mike McClintock, please.
21:05Mike, stay.
21:06I have to take this call.
21:09I'm trying to help you, you stupid cow.
21:16What did you just say?
21:18I...
21:19Mike, where I grew up,
21:21my dad called my mom a cow all the time.
21:23It's not bad.
21:24It's homey and friendly.
21:26I love you, baby.
21:27You're a cow.
21:30Oh, my God, Mike.
21:32What are you going to do for an encore?
21:34Are you going to punch the kid?
21:35Ouch.
21:36Alicia, you and I should talk.
21:37Before I nail your smoky throat to it.
21:39I can feel the air crackling between us, Amy.
21:42Oh, hey, Leon.
21:43Do you have any idea what just happened in there?
21:45Amy, what is this bushel of fuck talking about?
21:47Leon, would you mind smashing his head off
21:49with a fire extinguisher?
21:51I wouldn't mind.
21:56She's moving in five minutes.
21:58Oh, she must feel horrible.
22:00Looks like her fucking head's going to spin around.
22:03Amy, what the fuck is happening?
22:05Is Mike on crank?
22:06That's actually the least of my worries right now.
22:08Your mom has gone quiet.
22:15I see you found it.
22:17The room of regret.
22:19I'm fucked, Ben.
22:20I'm fucked.
22:21Well, there's a remedy.
22:23It's an ancient technique
22:25that's been pied by lovable losers
22:28since way back.
22:30It's called begging.
22:32Beg?
22:33Yeah.
22:34Jonah, that fucking lowlife?
22:36You got to go lower.
22:38You got to go lower than the lowest lowlife.
22:41You got to dig and dig and dig
22:43until you get to the point where you wish you were dead.
22:46Okay?
22:47And that's base camp.
22:49I...
22:50I got to beg.
22:51Yeah.
22:52Hey, this could help a little bit
22:54once you take one of these.
22:56What is it?
22:57I don't know. I found them on my desk.
23:01Is there any way to snap her out of this
23:03diving bell and butterfly shit?
23:05She should be rehearsing my speech by now.
23:10How long has she been like this?
23:12Forever.
23:13Fifteen minutes.
23:14Okay.
23:15Whoa, whoa, whoa.
23:16Wait, wait, wait.
23:17Come on, come on.
23:19Okay.
23:20Your big day is a travesty.
23:23All right? I get it.
23:24It's like my 21st birthday.
23:27Or my 18th birthday.
23:29Or every other birthday.
23:31Okay?
23:32Your entire life has been leading up to this moment.
23:35And as a result of that,
23:37my entire life has been awful.
23:40Posing for Christmas cards,
23:42watching C-SPAN instead of Sesame Street,
23:45going to memorials of old Israeli men
23:48that I've never even heard of.
23:50I have had a hard, lonely, miserable life.
23:55And the only thing that is going to make it worthwhile
23:59is if I become the daughter of the next president of the United States.
24:04So you need to go out there
24:06and you need to stop behaving like a little bitch.
24:12Okay, sweetie.
24:13I am not a bitch.
24:14But thanks.
24:15And that jacket doesn't work.
24:18By the way, you look like a waiter.
24:21Ugh.
24:22God damn it.
24:26It's okay.
24:27I fixed her.
24:28Jonah.
24:29J-Rock.
24:30J-Riggedy.
24:31I'm asking you kindly to not run the cow story, okay?
24:36I'm appealing to your better nature.
24:38Mike, I don't have one of those.
24:39Jonah, please.
24:40I'm begging you.
24:41I'm begging you.
24:42Really?
24:43Because it doesn't look like you're begging.
24:44Please, Jonah.
24:45I'm begging.
24:46Please.
24:47Don't run with the story.
24:48Now we're begging.
24:49What do you want me to do?
24:50Juggle?
24:51Do you want me to dance?
24:52Actually, you know what?
24:53Sing me a song.
24:54Just spin the old dial on Radio McClintock, see what it lands on.
24:58Really?
24:59Mm-hmm.
25:00I don't know.
25:01Goober Peas?
25:02I have no fucking idea what that is.
25:04It's an old Civil War song.
25:06For real?
25:07Yeah.
25:08Perfect.
25:09It's like a history lesson.
25:10Hit me up.
25:11You want me to count you in?
25:12No.
25:13Five, six, seven, eight.
25:14When a horseman passes, soldiers have a rule.
25:18They cry it out their loudest.
25:21Mister, where's your mule?
25:23It's got a little twang in it.
25:25Come on.
25:26But another pleasure more enchanting-er than these
25:30Is wearing out your grinders
25:32Eating Goober Peas
25:34Play the banjo.
25:35Peas, peas, peas, peas
25:37Eating Goober Peas
25:39Goodness, how delicious
25:41Eating Goober Peas
25:43Tip that old Yankee grain.
25:45Peas, peas, peas, peas
25:47Okay, sir, this is your beauty pageant
25:50Of the nearly dead.
25:51Okay.
25:52Everybody give me a smile and wave.
25:56None of these.
25:57Okay.
25:58You okay, ma'am?
25:59I just need my speech.
26:00Good to have you back, ma'am.
26:01Speech isn't ready yet.
26:02Just upload any draft.
26:03I'm gonna wing it.
26:04Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
26:05I am running.
26:07And I wasn't kidding about that jacket.
26:10Okay, guys, this is not a drill.
26:12Operation Lady Potus is go.
26:14Amy, it's flashing.
26:15Why is that?
26:16Ma'am, it's sign off on the steps, line up.
26:18We still have a gap.
26:19Just spread all these guys out.
26:21And get rid of this guy.
26:22He looks like Jeffrey Dahmer.
26:23Dan, maybe today?
26:24Yeah, sorry, one second.
26:25The beltway is clear.
26:27Thank you, Salina.
26:29I'm glad there's no more traffic.
26:31Yes, indeedy.
26:32Silver is the new gold.
26:33Is that right?
26:34Amen.
26:35Get off the damn phone, Dan.
26:36One second, ma'am.
26:37It's SNL.
26:38Give this to me.
26:39Yeah, okay.
26:40Lauren?
26:41Hi.
26:42It's Salina Meyer.
26:43Is it printing?
26:44No, it says sub adder.
26:47What the fuck is that?
26:48Yeah, that sounds great.
26:50Yes, I will.
26:51Bye-bye.
26:52Yeah, that's taken care of.
26:53They're gonna drop it?
26:54Yeah, after they do one more with me in it.
26:57I'm just gonna embrace it.
26:58What about taking a dump in your car?
27:01You what?
27:02No, before when we...
27:03Are we ready to go?
27:04Yeah.
27:05Great.
27:06Let's do it.
27:08That was fantastic, Mike.
27:09That was fantastic.
27:10Get up.
27:11Thank you, John.
27:12That was really nice.
27:14I owe you one.
27:16What do you owe me for?
27:17Mike, I'm absolutely running the story.
27:20You know, the goober peas and the begging,
27:22that's all part of it.
27:24You forgot to say it was off the record.
27:27That's like journalism 101.
27:30Look into that, Mike.
27:32Well, if I'm not wanted here, I might as well go home.
27:35Lise, you cannot go home.
27:37You are the Rosa Parks of childcare.
27:40At least Rosa got to sit down, right?
27:43Oh, my goodness.
27:46Who is this gorgeous?
27:49Hi, darling.
27:50Is this your baby girl?
27:52Uh-huh.
27:53Oh, hi, sweetie.
27:55Do you want to say hello to Senator Doyle?
27:58Hello.
27:59Oh.
28:00I know what you're doing, Selena.
28:02Wouldn't it be a good idea
28:04if I mentioned her in my speech as the face of the future?
28:09Wouldn't that be good, Senator Doyle?
28:12You want to tell the little lady it's a good idea?
28:15Um, I think it's a good idea.
28:18Yes, fantastic.
28:20I'll follow you on Twitter.
28:21You're kidding.
28:22I love it.
28:23I'll retweet you.
28:24Look at that coat.
28:25Where is my daughter?
28:26Do you think that we could borrow your coat
28:28just for the speech?
28:30Oh, my God, I'll be so honored.
28:32Oh, great.
28:33We'll tweet it.
28:34Ma'am, does this mean you're going to talk about universal childcare?
28:36We have to go.
28:41And what does USA start with?
28:44That's right.
28:45It starts with you.
28:48Today, I announce my candidacy
28:52for President of the United States of America.
28:57Here I stand.
28:59There you are.
29:01Here we go.
29:06Oh, hey there.
29:08Didn't she do a good job?
29:10We need to get her balloon with my face on it.
29:13Yeah.
29:14I know we got slightly derailed today with the universal childcare,
29:17but now we are really back on a roll.
29:19Will you come on our walk, ma'am?
29:21Oh, well, someone from the vice president's office will absolutely.
29:24Kevin, wouldn't you like to go on this lady's walk?
29:28Yes, I would.
29:29That's great news.
29:33Alicia Bryce.
29:34Alicia Bryce.
29:35Uh, Mike McClintock called you a cow earlier today
29:38and wanted to know how that made you feel.
29:41I don't know what you're talking about.
29:43What do you mean you don't know what I'm talking about?
29:45I saw it.
29:46I saw it happen.
29:47This is the problem with you new media guys.
29:49You don't check your facts.
29:50Jonah, you are the dick that keeps on giving.
29:54Can't bury the truth, Mike.
29:56Can we take Mr. Ryan out?
29:57This isn't fair.
29:58This is not fair.
29:59This is a conspiracy.
30:00Thank you, Alicia.
30:02You're not my friend.
30:03You call me a cow.
30:04I'm the cow.
30:05You are.
30:06I'm the cow.
30:08Um, when is the walk again?
30:10It's three weeks from today.
30:11I really don't think I'm going to be able to make it.
30:14I'm so sorry.
30:18Hey, you guys were an inspiration.
30:22Can I get my coat back?
30:23I don't know.
30:28Mommy, where's my pony?
30:31Bad news, honey.
30:41It got cut in the latest round of debt ceiling talks.
30:47And live from New York, it's Saturday night!