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Short filmTranscript
00:00I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
00:30I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I
01:00I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I
01:30I'm sorry, is that your Peugeot Estate right there? Only I think your front fog lamp seemed to be on for some reason.
02:00Frankly, Mr. Skimport, to what side of bed I got out of this bed, I don't know.
02:29To what side of bed I got out of this morning is not a matter I consider relevant. The fact remains that the open sesame automatic garage door, which you installed for me last week, has just jammed again for the seventh time. And as BMW rather short-sightedly failed to include a limbo dancing option on the new 300 series, I'm keen to learn how you expect me to get the car on the road.
02:49Yes, I'll tell you exactly what's chafing my hide this morning, Mr. Gorringe. It concerns a majestic 2000 Millennium Globe that I rather foolishly ordered from your company for my brother's birthday, which I can't help noticing has arrived with two northern hemispheres.
03:04If by one of our top service engineers you're referring to the young child with the hair full of glue who spent three hours here yesterday wobbling around on top of a ladder, presumably in an attempt to make his testicles drop, I was not impressed, Mr. Skimport.
03:16Unfortunately not, Mr. Gorringe. And while a world with two Europes and no Australia may have obvious cultural advantages, I'm afraid it doesn't quite square with the theory of continental drift.
03:27I couldn't say with any certainty, Mr. Skimport, whether it was Rick or Dave, although you'd very sensibly had a ring fitted through his ear like a cow, I'm afraid his name tab seemed to have fallen off.
03:37Oh, has he indeed? Well, how very fine and dandy for him.
03:41Well, it depends what you mean by very noticeable, Mr. Gorringe. I mean, had my brother been horribly blinded in some form of industrial accident, then certainly all that troubles would be over.
03:51Well, do offer him my profuse congratulations, Mr. Skimport, and then tell him to get his arse back round here now and finish the job.
03:57Yes, and I should expect a proper replacement within 24 hours, or heads and hemispheres will roll.
04:03Hear that little twerp I had a barney with outside yesterday? He's only just gone and won 60,000 quid on the midweek lottery.
04:10Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
04:12Right then, perhaps I'll just pop out for a few bits. Get that bottle of whisky you wanted to take back with you, Nigel.
04:19It's not till half past six you're trained tonight, is it? So, I'll see you about five then. Bye.
04:29Bloody stereo. Drives you up the wall.
04:32Tell me about it. It was bad enough in mono.
04:41Morning, Mr. Meldrew. I'd get even beats if I were you.
04:44What?
04:45The anusole. It'll charge the earth in places like this.
04:48Oh, I was just, um...
04:49No, I'm glad I've run into you, actually, only I've been meaning for ages to give you this.
04:53It's the second prize in the Eczema Sufferers' Tombola Prize.
04:57Oh, thank you.
04:58It's a very special prize.
04:59Oh, thank you.
05:00It's a very special prize.
05:01It's a very special prize.
05:02It's a very special prize.
05:03It's a very special prize.
05:04It's a very special prize.
05:05It's a very special prize.
05:06It's a very special prize.
05:07It's a very special prize.
05:08It's a very special prize.
05:09It's a very special prize.
05:10It's a very special prize.
05:11It's a very special prize.
05:12It's a very special prize.
05:13It's a very special prize.
05:14It's a very special prize.
05:15It's a very special prize.
05:16It's a very special prize.
05:17It's a very special prize.
05:18It's a very special prize.
05:19It's a very special prize.
05:20It's a very special prize.
05:21It's a very special prize.
05:22It's a very special prize.
05:23It's a very special prize.
05:24It's a very special prize.
05:25It's a very special prize.
05:26It's a very special prize.
05:27It's a very special prize.
05:28It's a very special prize.
05:29It's a very special prize.
05:30Bear that in mind.
05:31Bear that in mind.
05:32Bear that in mind.
05:33All set for the big day tomorrow?
05:34All set for the big day tomorrow?
05:35All set for the big day tomorrow?
05:36Oh, yes, yes, yes.
05:37They say it's one of the most traumatic events in your life, don't they,
05:38Oh, yes, yes, yes.
05:39They say it's one of the most traumatic events in your life, don't they,
05:40moving house?
05:41moving house?
05:42moving house?
05:43moving house?
05:44moving house?
05:45moving house?
05:46moving house?
05:47moving house?
05:48moving house?
05:49moving house?
05:50moving house?
05:51moving house?
05:52moving house?
05:53moving house?
05:54moving house?
05:55moving house?
05:56moving house?
05:57moving house?
05:58moving house?
06:00Don't give up, Mr Sweeney.
06:02Don't give up, Mr Sweeney.
06:04Lots of love to Mrs Meldrew.
06:06Bye-bye to you.
06:08Right, Mr Sweeney.
06:10Bye-bye to you.
06:11This is Skip Holbrook for CNS News on the southern slopes of the Argite-Bulak Pass.
06:41What's this supposed to be like? Any good?
06:43Depends if you like watching growing men take their clothes off.
06:56You haven't got anything a bit stronger down there, I suppose.
07:04What do you mean exactly? A bit stronger?
07:10Tiffa, how lovely to see you. Come and sit down. I think this is still warm.
07:17I'm sorry about this, but I just had to get away from the Brothers Grimm this morning.
07:21We'll go completely doolally.
07:23Oh, is this the one you've been telling me about, who's been over from Norfolk?
07:26Yes. Just been out to get him a drop of the hard stuff before we see him off at the station.
07:32Plus, a little treat for myself, which I think I deserve after three weeks of that.
07:39I can't remember if you've told me. Is he divorced?
07:41Er, no. He's never married, Nigel. He's, um...
07:45Got more sex?
07:46Well, he's got a crush on Jonathan Dimbleby, which is not quite the same thing.
07:52Apart from that side of things, he's so much like Patrick, it's frightening.
07:56It's like every phone call's an episode of Kavanagh QC.
08:00I mean, what is it with men?
08:02They're another species. It's like this one.
08:05Bought himself a fishing rod now, would you believe?
08:07With all the gubbins.
08:09Think he has the first idea how to cast a line?
08:13Took a woodpecker out of a tree the other night.
08:16Plus, he ended up beak-first down an old lady's jogging shorts.
08:21What a nightmare!
08:23Ooh! I should be picking up a prescription.
08:26Oh, right. Well, I'll tag along with you, as far as the bus stop.
08:36Oh, for God's sake!
08:57You know, that surgery gets worse.
09:00Talk about headless chickens!
09:06Oh, and why didn't you throw this back, Victor?
09:10Sorry?
09:11Into the bloody fridge where it came from.
09:16Must be at least three days past its sell-by.
09:19Why do you keep going in that place? It's beyond me.
09:26Do you know, I think he's chiselled me out of that popcorn.
09:29Out of what?
09:30Dodgy Douglas.
09:32Said he'd a nice bit of popcorn out the back, if I fancied it,
09:35to go with the video. Then he didn't put it in, if you please.
09:41Well, with that other bastard first thing, I just haven't had a day of it.
09:46Still, it'll all be good material for when I give my talk.
09:50Your talk?
09:52Why, a bunch of old dears would want to sit and listen to you
09:56moan and groan about everything under the sun.
09:58I can't imagine.
10:00Think your cousin Ira must be going soft in the head.
10:03P.S. Gladys sends her love and says,
10:06when are you going to come and give a little lecture to a women's institute?
10:10We are sure the gospel, according to Victor Meldrew,
10:12would be the highlight of their year.
10:16Exclamation mark.
10:18I'm thinking of basing it around a theme of evolution gone wrong.
10:23Neanderthal man did not, in fact, die out.
10:26He went to work for Sky Digital.
10:29What a performance we had with them.
10:32Oh, you'll now guess what I saw this morning on the news.
10:35An American reporter who looked just like Mr Swainey.
10:39It was incredible. I think the tape is still in there
10:42because I was watching it before Pippa came round.
10:45Says she's just about had a baleful of it lately.
10:48What with Patrick's brother coming over to stay.
10:50Really? I didn't know he had one.
10:54Yes. Gay, apparently.
10:56But just like Patrick in every respect.
11:01I suppose it must just be coincidence, that other.
11:04But... Oh.
11:07What's this she's left behind?
11:10You mean they're completely identical?
11:13Sorry? Oh, well, yes.
11:15Facially, the spitting image.
11:18Well, no, I never said anything.
11:20Who?
11:22Patrick.
11:23What about?
11:25Perhaps they just try and steer clear of each other.
11:28I mean, if you've got a twin brother who's gay,
11:30it could lead to all sorts of mix-ups.
11:33Do you want to peel those potatoes while I get this pie on?
11:36Yeah, can do.
11:38What's this?
11:40Oh, I don't know. Some video that Pippa left behind.
11:45Dwayne Spartacus and Mighty Joe Schlong.
11:50The United Police Five.
11:52Yes, I might sit and watch that after tea if there's nothing else.
11:56While you do the washing up.
12:02Now, can you imagine in our wildest dreams that he's been back to fix it?
12:06After he's just won a fortune on the lottery.
12:09I should think he's jacked the job and he's halfway to Barbados by now.
12:15Oh, I've a few firm words on the phone this morning.
12:19Taught him the error of his ways.
12:36The little bastard, I'll kill him!
12:49What have you done?
13:09What is this?
13:12It's not Dixon, it's Doc Green.
13:20Oh, my God.
13:28Can you imagine going out and buying your brother-in-law something like that?
13:34Hard stuff, she said.
13:36My God.
13:39I mean, is that what some men actually...
13:44Where do you think she got it?
13:46I don't know.
13:48All I know is that's your first job tomorrow morning.
13:51To take it back to them.
13:54Where did I put those smelling salts?
14:09Oh, thanks for polishing off my cabernet.
14:12I've been looking forward to that all afternoon.
14:15Oh, sorry, I thought I was going begging.
14:18After all the upheaval today, I needed something to steady my nerves.
14:24What?
14:27I don't know, I just suddenly felt a bit clogged up.
14:33For me, um, some reason.
14:36Oh, just look at that.
14:38You've done everything but suck the bloody cork.
14:42Where is the cork, anyway?
14:45I don't know.
14:52There's no way of saying this delicately, Patrick.
14:57It's gone quite a long way in.
15:01Don't just stand there twittering, get it out.
15:04Oh, right, what am I now, a qualified proctologist?
15:08Well, I don't know, how do you normally get a cork out?
15:12I suppose.
15:16Not that one, you witless woman.
15:19The one in the drawer that we take on holiday.
15:22How's that going to work?
15:35I feel very uncomfortable doing this.
15:38Isn't that funny, whereas I seem to be growing ever more resentful.
15:42Isn't that funny, whereas I seem to be growing ever more relaxed and confident.
15:47Can you just get on with it, please?
15:54No!
15:56Sorry about that.
15:58Oh, perhaps I'd better call the hospital.
16:12Morning, Mr Meldrew.
16:14Bright and early.
16:16I thought...
16:18You never said you were only moving two doors a lot.
16:21I always wanted an end house and, as I say,
16:24wanted to make a fresh start without really leaving the area.
16:27So, as soon as I heard the McVities were emigrating,
16:30I leapt straight in with an offer.
16:32Called the McVities.
16:34And I thought, well, that's a good offer.
16:37And I thought, well, that's a good offer.
16:40And I leapt straight in with an offer.
16:42Of course, I still haven't found a buyer for number 21,
16:45but isn't that funny? You didn't know about it.
16:47Funny?
16:48Morning, Mr Swirly. You settling in all right?
16:50Oh, yes.
16:51There's that news report I was telling you about.
16:53You see what you make of that when you have a moment.
16:55I will, Mrs Meldrew. Sounds very intriguing.
16:58Oh, that was another thing, Mr Meldrew.
17:00I've got a couple coming round to view at three.
17:02Estate agent says they sound quite serious.
17:04Mr and Mrs Gleeson.
17:06Oh, right. Fingers crossed they're there.
17:09Yes, he said the husband was a very nasty piece of work, apparently.
17:12Very violent.
17:13And by all accounts, it's a total fluke he found the place.
17:16Apparently, he was in the area yesterday morning
17:18having lunch at some pub
17:20when some lunatic stuck a load of maggots in his foot.
17:23Said he tried to drive after him
17:25but lost him at the roundabout just down the road here
17:27and that's when he noticed my signpost.
17:29Really? Yes.
17:31He says if he ever sees this chap again,
17:33he's going to beat the living shit out of him.
17:36But anyway, I'll bring him round later
17:38so you two can get to know each other.
17:39I'm sure he's not as bad as he sounds.
17:41See you later then, Mr Meldrew.
17:42There's no need to go through all that trouble, Mrs...
17:52Shutting it down out there.
17:54Why don't you just leave it till later?
17:57Leave it till later and the place will be packed
17:59with all the usual walking wounded,
18:01people with tennis rackets through their heads.
18:03It's like you see a doctor this side of Christmas.
18:06So, how do you think they're going to get it out?
18:13Well, I imagine they'll just give me eight pints of Tyzer
18:15and tell everyone to stand well back.
18:17They have a tried and tested procedure for this sort of thing.
18:21Why is it we don't have any umbrellas any longer?
18:24Because you keep leaving them all in restaurants.
18:27Oh, hang on.
18:28I think I left that lavender one of mine in the kitchen.
18:31Lavender one?
18:32I don't think I'm going to be seen walking around with that in my hand.
18:35You're very much mistaken.
19:03Excuse me, we've never met before.
19:07My name's Richard Nelson.
19:09I'm a friend of your sister-in-law's.
19:11And I think she might have...
19:13Well, anyway, this is yours, I think, so...
19:19Oh!
19:32A ragtag army of farmers and simple gophers
19:35waits for another dawn to break.
19:38But with daylight comes the renewed threat of mortar attack.
19:42And already behind me, forces loyal to the junta
19:45have begun shelling rebel positions.
19:48This is Skip Holberman for CNS News
19:51on the southern slopes of the Argybulak Pass.
20:02Yes, well, if you want to know about farms,
20:06the man to ask is probably my husband, who should be home.
20:10Oh, talk of the devil!
20:12Well, that gives us a chance to get off now, doesn't it?
20:16I said I'd give you a hand
20:18to take that stuff up the tip before it closes.
20:21Oh, yes, that would be handy.
20:23Hello! Margaret!
20:25Sorry about the time.
20:27I didn't want to get here too soon
20:29in case he came round with that ruddy...
20:31Yes! Yes.
20:34When you come downstairs, perhaps you'd like to have a wee chat
20:37with Mr and Mrs Gleeson, who may soon be moving in next door.
20:41Mr Sweeney and I are just popping out for half an hour.
20:44Well, nice to have met you both. Bye!
20:54Now, I'm not saying he will get out,
20:56but if he does, you don't let him know you're frightened, OK?
21:00That's the worst thing you can do to a pit bull, that is.
21:04LAUGHTER
21:09Right, so he's not dangerous, then, exactly?
21:12Dangerous? He killed a bleating swan the other day.
21:15Brought it back to the house, didn't he?
21:18As I say, you've got to use a bit of psychology.
21:25Well, I don't want to hurry you both,
21:27but the way the traffic is at this end of town...
21:30Right.
21:34So, I hope to see you again, perhaps in the near future.
21:38Thanks for the beers. Not at all.
21:40Thank you. Bye!
21:54OK, so you like the taste of worms.
22:04Well, thanks very much, then, Mrs Belger.
22:07I appreciate you spending the time with me.
22:10Yes. I'm surprised at how much junk you do accumulate over the years.
22:15Without really being aware of it.
22:17We could do with a good clear-out ourselves one of these days,
22:21if it comes to that.
22:23Are you all right, Mr Sweeney?
22:25I thought you'd be all chipper today, with the new house and everything.
22:29Oh, yeah, well, of course I am. I suppose.
22:34It's ever since I gave you that tape to watch.
22:38That man...
22:40He wasn't anyone you...
22:42He wasn't a relative or anything.
22:44Oh, no, no, no, no.
22:46It's just a bit of a shock to the system, something like that.
22:50As if... I don't know.
22:54Someone was taunting me
22:57with a glimpse of the man I should have been.
23:02It's hard to imagine Skip Holberman living at home with his mother
23:06for 40 years, running tombolos...
23:09like an overgrown boy scout.
23:16Life isn't just about ambition, Mr Sweeney.
23:20Just earning the respect of others
23:23as a decent and gentle human being
23:27is enough for anyone to be proud of.
23:30Oh, yeah, I've certainly wheeled a lot of old ladies about, Mrs Mulder.
23:37But who's going to wheel me about?
23:55Fixer!
23:58I suppose all this will be going into your lecture, will it?
24:02To the Women's Institute?
24:05Oh, did you get rid of that other monstrosity, by the way, this morning?
24:09I forgot to ask.
24:11Never want to see the likes of that again.
24:15What is it for them, do you think?
24:17About American policemen that's so exciting?
24:20Yes, it's hard to imagine having an erotic fantasy
24:23about Officer Dibble and Topcat.
24:27It must just be a combination of...
24:30that kind of thing and...
24:35Policemen and...
24:38Oh, no.
24:41You wouldn't...
24:44Yesterday afternoon,
24:46when you bought that stuff from Dodgy Douglas...
24:50Yes?
24:52He said he had some nice popcorn out the back, if you fancied it.
24:57Yes?
24:59And you said...
25:01Go!
25:02God, Victor!
25:04What?
25:05What about me?
25:07What about me?
25:09What about me?
25:11What?
25:12What have I done now?
25:14That tape didn't come out of Pippa's bag in there at all.
25:17It must have fallen out of yours.
25:19How could it come out of my bag?
25:21Because when you came out of that shop yesterday afternoon,
25:24you came out with a video of cop porn.
25:31As if that wasn't bad enough, we've just handed it over to...
25:35What are they going to think?
25:41I don't know.
25:48Right, I'll be off in a sec, then.
25:50You going to be all right this evening?
25:52I'm not going to come home and find you with a marmite lid up your bottom or anything.
26:00Trench.
26:02I'm sorry, Mr Muldry?
26:04Video. Yes, yes, I did give the title a quick glance.
26:07Something to do with Canadian Mounties, wasn't it?
26:10Well, it happens I was up at the hospital this morning.
26:13They were appealing for donations for the new children's annex.
26:16Books, videos, toys, that sort of thing,
26:18and there was a big plastic skip just inside the door,
26:21so I put it in there.
26:23Sorry, Miss Muldry, are you all right?
26:25It sounded like you were having some kind of pulmonary embolism.
26:30Video? What video is this, then?
26:32This one here, containing hardcore gay pornography.
26:35Quite what compelled him to give it to me in the first place
26:38It may certainly never be known,
26:40but it is, I fear, a deranged act which cannot go unpunished.
26:46No? What no?
26:48It's in a bin at the Charterhouse General,
26:50and that casualty closes at eight.
26:52The cases are passed on to the Bedford.
26:54Well, we can't just leave it there.
26:56No.
26:58We certainly can't.
27:01Huh.
27:06Why is it whenever you are in a good mood,
27:08I break out in a cold sweat?
27:10Go on. What have you found?
27:13Just a brief but rather satisfying item in the local,
27:16under the heading Angling for Trouble.
27:18It says police were called to the accident and emergency wing
27:21of the Charterhouse General on Friday night
27:23to investigate reports of a madman on the hospital roof.
27:26The man, believed to be in his 60s,
27:28was discovered squatting near a hole in a glass skylight
27:31where he appeared to be fishing into a box of toys.
27:35As the officers watched,
27:37he proceeded to reel in a succession of videocassettes,
27:39each of which he unhooked, glanced at and then threw back again.
27:44The man, who was later escorted off the premises,
27:46screaming incoherently about popcorn,
27:48was subsequently identified as a mister, etc, etc, etc.
27:52So, I suppose you're on top of the world now.
27:55WHISTLE
28:02Look at this.
28:04I sent a pocket calculator away to be repaired...
28:09..and it came back in all this lot.
28:13I've just been talking to Mr Swaney out there.
28:15He's in a good mood.
28:17Apparently that Skip Hoberman's just been blown up by a landmine.
28:21He's taken it as a sign you're better off not trying to be a hero.
28:25I mean, this is the ultimate proof, isn't it,
28:27that we are descended from apes?
28:29Polystyrene.
28:31Bloody stuff. What are you supposed to do with it?
28:33You can't fold it, you can't squash it, you can't bend it...
28:36Don't start... Oh, stop that!
28:38Look, look.
28:39This little white glob, you're stuck in the carpet like dandruff.
28:43If you must do that, take it outside.
28:45Now then, I know what this'll be.
28:47Cousin Ivor dropped him a line
28:50to ask him when he wanted me to give my talk.
28:56LAUGHTER
29:01Oh. Wonderful.
29:04Well, that's that, then.
29:06Why, what did he say?
29:08Dear Victor, thank you for your recent inquiry.
29:10Unfortunately, when we asked if you could address a meeting
29:13of the Women's Institute, we were not being entirely serious.
29:19Can you imagine, Gladys says,
29:21trying to sell tickets to a talk by Victor Meldrew,
29:24we wouldn't be able to pay people to come!
29:29Exclamation mark.
29:31Well, our best wishes and love to Margaret, Ivor.
29:46LAUGHTER
29:51LAUGHTER
29:58LAUGHTER
30:07LAUGHTER