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Short filmTranscript
00:00Good evening to you, Patrick, and what's your question for Mimsy Berkovitz?
00:04Well, it's a bit of a tricky one, but put simply, my wife and I live next door to a madman.
00:10If I tell you a few weeks ago he put a specially trained crab up my shorts while I was asleep in the garden,
00:15and that I had to be rushed to hospital with it hanging between my legs,
00:19and that I was a passenger on a tube train, you'll get some idea of the problem.
00:22What's tricky is that they've invited us round to their house tomorrow for a meal to try and patch things up.
00:27I just wonder if we should risk it.
00:30It does sound a delicate one, this, but I think, on balance, I'm one.
00:35Something wrong with this phone?
00:37Oh, sorry, yes, it only takes incoming calls at the moment.
00:41They were supposed to have fixed it before.
00:45Is everything all right, Jean? You've been really fidgety all night.
00:50Margaret, do you mind if we go and sit down?
00:54Why, whatever is it?
01:04Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.
01:11I can hardly bring myself to even talk about it.
01:16I think Chris is having an affair.
01:20Very good! Very good!
01:26An affair? Who with?
01:28You know the woman who lives two doors along from us?
01:31Lost her husband in that ear-syringing accident.
01:35Well, a couple of weeks ago, this blew off her washing line and into my garden.
01:42You see where all the colour's been bleached out of the stripes down here?
01:48The stripes down here at the bottom?
01:50Yes, but what's that got?
01:51Acne gel.
01:52Sorry?
01:53Yes, that's what Chris puts on the back of his neck every night.
01:57The stripes on his shirt collars are exactly the same.
02:02You can't be serious.
02:04His head's been on this pillow, Margaret, I know it has.
02:11I know you just think I'm being melodramatic and everything.
02:16Perhaps we'll soon have some proof.
02:19I've hired a private detective to follow him about, see if they go anywhere together.
02:25I've got to find out Margaret one way or the other.
02:29If I did find out, he'd be...
02:32I don't know what I'd do.
02:34I think I... I just might kill myself.
02:39Spam, spam, baked pizza, spam, that's very funny, very funny.
02:48I know, Jean, but you can't just...
02:52Well, why don't you phone the conference hotel and put your mind at rest?
03:00Well, I suppose we could meet up for some lunch.
03:04But I've got a bit of a hectic day tomorrow.
03:08Well, Patrick and Pip are coming in the evening.
03:11And Victor's got his Conjurers group meeting here at half past...
03:16Oh, God knows, Jean.
03:19They all go round each other's houses once a week and fish a hanky out of a hat.
03:24They all go round each other's houses once a week and fish a hanky out of a hat.
03:30A cross between the Magic Circle and Dad's army.
03:34Yes, yes, all right, I will.
03:36And do try to stop fretting.
03:38Yes.
03:39OK, bye.
03:41Are you coming to bed tonight or what?
03:43Remember, you've got a job to go to tomorrow morning.
03:45I'll be up in time for work.
03:46I just want to test this over tomorrow and make sure it's in working order.
03:50Utterly pathetic.
03:53Oh, I trust that one with the gammy elbow isn't going to start sawing himself in half again this time?
04:00Mr. Henstreet, I'm not sure if he's coming. He had a bit of a heart scare last week.
04:03Oh, we'd never get the stains out.
04:05It's a good job we've got a red carpet, is all I can say.
04:10What happened there? That's not supposed to go there.
04:17I don't believe it!
04:19You can go down this time. I've had enough for one day.
04:29Exploded chip pan.
04:30What?
04:31Excuse me, sir, can we get through, please?
04:33Come on, lads.
04:34Look.
04:35Straight through.
04:36I did not call the sodding fire again.
04:38My house is not on fire. Will you please go away?
04:41Oh, isn't it?
04:43Sorry, lads. As you were.
04:46This is the third time this week, you lot have been right. I'm getting pretty bloody sick of it.
04:50Yeah, well, I'm sorry, sir, but as you'll appreciate, we've got to take every call seriously.
04:54Now then, you've no idea who these pranksters are that keep ringing us up?
04:58No. Presumably somebody I've annoyed in the past who's trying to get their own back.
05:02We've drawn up a short list of 5,000 names.
05:07Yeah, right.
05:08Well, I'm sorry for the inconvenience, sir. Good night to you.
05:12Good night.
05:16DOOR SLAMS
05:18Bastards.
05:36Morning, Mr Meldrew.
05:38Keeping your bowels open?
05:41Sorry?
05:43Didn't see you there. The sugar frosties, actually.
05:45Yes, I wouldn't have thought you'd need a laxative in a job like that.
05:49Busy old road, isn't it? How are you settling in now? All right?
05:52Very well, thank you. Picked it up straight away. No problems of any kind.
05:56Oh, good, good. That's nice, yes.
05:58No-one's said anything to you about Psycho Sam as yet, then?
06:02Psycho Sam?
06:03No, no, no. That's fine if they haven't.
06:05There's no point making you a bag of nerves before you start.
06:08That's just what you don't want.
06:09In any case, I'm not sure he hasn't had his heavy goods licence withdrawn.
06:13After what happened last Friday afternoon with your predecessor.
06:16What happened last Friday afternoon? What about my predecessor?
06:19Oh, yes, it's a shame about old Bertie. Nice old chap as well.
06:22Very popular with the children.
06:24Shame about old Bertie? Who's Bertie? What are you talking about?
06:27Anyway, I'd better scoot.
06:28You see, I've got to pop Auntie's cyst down the rodent control at nine,
06:31so see you about, I expect,
06:33and don't go worrying about articulated lorries. You'll be absolutely fine.
06:38Oh, a bit of a to-do out here by the looks of things.
06:41Well, bye-bye to you then, Mr Meldrew.
06:47You've got a lollipop man in here stuck inside a smoke-filled urina?
06:55Oh, shit!
06:57I've got you, Dash. Put some coffee out if you want to help yourself.
07:00Your money's on the kitchen table.
07:02Jemmy, thanks very much. Oh, you're up early.
07:05Well, Meg's gone sick and I've got to do a couple of hours at the shop,
07:08and then I'm seeing Jean for lunch.
07:10I haven't had a minute to think about food for tonight.
07:12Well, that's all right. I'll do one of my specials.
07:14Oh, are you sure? I think there's some mince in the fridge.
07:18I'll see you later.
07:19Bye-bye.
07:21Ah, here we are. What did I tell you? My horoscope for the day.
07:24Do not, under any circumstances, go round for a meal tonight at Victor Meldrew's
07:28unless accompanied by a trained exorcist.
07:32I would ring up and cancel, but I suppose it's a bit inconsiderate, isn't it, really?
07:35Dragging him out of his coffin in broad daylight.
07:39Oh, it's all right. I'll do one of my specials.
07:41Oh, are you sure? I think there's some mince in the fridge.
07:44I'll see you later.
07:45Yes, bye.
07:50I wonder what bizarre aquatic species I can expect in the groin this time.
07:55Stingray up the rectum?
07:58Perhaps I'll just get off lightly with a couple of barnacles on the foreskin.
08:04Can you see an old dirty floor cloth by the door?
08:08Um, yep.
08:10Well, would you mind shoving it in your bloody mouth?
08:14Oh, very good, very good.
08:20Mm, I think this is going to be one of my good ones.
08:25Now, the magic formula.
08:29Two teaspoons chilli powder in a cup of water.
08:35And one half teaspoon cumin.
08:50Howdy, well, come on in.
08:52Good morning, Arthur.
08:53Go and set yourselves down.
08:54I've just got to finish off a bit of cooking for tonight,
08:56and I'll be right with you.
08:57Yes, I'll be right with you, Arthur.
08:59Come on in.
09:00Good morning, Arthur.
09:01Go and set yourselves down.
09:02I've just got to finish off a bit of cooking for tonight,
09:04and I'll be right with you.
09:05Go on, you need a hand with that.
09:30WHISTLING
09:37I mean, what is it?
09:39Do you get some kind of sick, perverted pleasure
09:41out of rowing with our neighbours?
09:44Yes.
09:46I don't think we were living in a Dennis Wheatley novel or something,
09:49the way you carry on.
09:51They're just a normal couple, like you and me,
09:53trying to lead normal, everyday lives.
09:57SCREAMING
10:07SCREAMING
10:11SCREAMING
10:19SCREAMING
10:26LAUGHTER
10:35I suppose we could try wearing crucifixes.
10:38LAUGHTER
10:40LAUGHTER
10:43WHISTLING
10:46LAUGHTER
11:05CLICKING
11:08Hello?
11:09Ambulance.
11:10Excuse me, can I please?
11:14British Telecom.
11:16OK, your phone's come on.
11:18Victor?
11:20Who are you ringing?
11:22What's happened?
11:23It's old Mr Henstridge.
11:24We think he may have had a heart attack.
11:26Right in the middle of one of his tricks, he just suddenly seemed to...
11:28Hello?
11:29Er, my...
11:32SCREAMS
11:37LAUGHTER
11:41Leave it.
11:43Leave it.
11:44Everybody, just please leave it.
11:47We'll deal with it.
11:49Everybody, please.
11:51Oh!
11:53It's Mr Henstridge.
11:55Yes.
11:56We think it may be his heart.
11:58Yes, we know all about it and we'll deal with it.
12:00If you'll just go and leave it and come back for that later.
12:03Come on, I'll show you.
12:05Out you go.
12:07That's it. Goodbye.
12:09Er, how is he?
12:11How is he, Jean?
12:12Is there anything there?
12:14I can definitely feel a slight flutter here somewhere.
12:17LAUGHTER
12:19I can definitely feel a slight flutter here somewhere.
12:21LAUGHTER
12:46Oh, my God, Jean!
12:48I've got to get his head back.
12:50That's it.
12:52Now, then.
12:57SCREAMS
13:06Just a second, Jean.
13:08LAUGHTER
13:16What have we got in here?
13:18Things.
13:22I think he's starting to respond, Margaret.
13:25Oh, perhaps we should get him outside into some fresh air.
13:28OK. Mr Henstridge, can you get up?
13:30That's it. That's it.
13:32Here we go. Right.
13:34Upsy-daisy.
13:36That's it. OK, yes.
13:38That's it.
13:40That's it. Yes.
13:42Good fellow.
13:49Oh!
13:53Oh, no!
14:01This house doesn't seem too bad now.
14:03Ambulances can take an eternity up here.
14:06Maybe we should get him to the hospital ourselves.
14:08Morning, Mrs Muldrew. Anything I can do to help at all?
14:14What's happened? Is he dead?
14:16If he is, we're ready to join him.
14:18Hamilton said it'd be a good 20 minutes yet.
14:21Will you keep that door closed?!
14:26It's all under control.
14:28We've managed to get him out of there, and he seems to be all right.
14:31But Mr Swaley said he'd run him up to hospital just to be on the safe side.
14:34You'll be late for your next shift if you don't look lively.
14:37Look, just go. Gina and I will tidy up the mess.
14:40Are you sure? Well, look, I'll speak to you later.
14:43And, er...
14:45Sorry about all this.
14:48Right.
14:51You ready?
14:53What?!
15:01Oh, my God!
15:32Oh, my God!
15:57Afternoon, Mr Muldrew.
15:59You're still in one piece, then?
16:01Evidently.
16:03Oh, by the way, your old gentleman, Mr Henstridge, was fine in the end.
16:07They gave him a thorough going over in casualty,
16:09and I'm just trying to get him home now in time for tea.
16:12Well, this isn't Mr Henstridge.
16:15This is Mr Matthews.
16:17He hasn't got a weak heart.
16:19But this is the chap your wife asked me to take down the hospital.
16:22Asked you to take down...
16:24Well, where's Mr Henstridge, then?
16:26When I left him, he...
16:29Oh, I don't believe it.
16:32You don't mean he's still inside the trunk?
16:38Would you do an explanation of what happened?
16:41He asked us to chain him up inside,
16:43said he'd escape in 30 seconds flat.
16:45After 10 minutes, it all went quiet.
16:47Then Mr Gridley found he'd lost the key,
16:49and Mr Matthews here passed out from shock.
16:53I told him to keep searching when I went for an ambulance.
16:56Surely to goodness, someone must have...
17:00Oh, my God!
17:05He's been in there now for five bloody hours!
17:20Now, what did she say?
17:22This one's mayonnaise.
17:25Um, this one's blue cheese,
17:27and I think this one's Thousand Island.
17:30So what's this one, then?
17:32I think that's an ashtray.
17:36Looks suspiciously like pigeon droppings to me.
17:40If you're going to keep making disgusting remarks all night,
17:43you're going to get this lot right in your face.
17:45Can you see a butter knife at all?
17:47Well, there's bound to be one around here somewhere.
17:51Yes, here we are.
17:53I wonder what he uses to cut his toenails at night.
17:56A wine harvester?
18:01You sure you won't join us for the evening?
18:03Victor's made enough chilli here to feed a regiment.
18:05Thank you, Margaret.
18:07But I think I'd better get home and call you-know-who,
18:10see how the investigation's been progressing.
18:13Yes, well, Chris comes home tomorrow,
18:15and then you'll find you've been worrying yourself all over nothing.
18:18You'll see.
18:20Yes. Well, bye, Margaret. Talk to you soon.
18:23Yes. If you feel like ringing, at any time.
18:26Oh, I will. Yes.
18:28Bye-bye.
18:36That's it. Sorry about that.
18:38Now, I expect Victor will be a while yet,
18:40and I've still got a couple of things to see to in the kitchen,
18:43so you just make yourselves at home.
18:49Yes, I'll just settle down and get comfortable sitting on this machete.
18:54It's like spending an evening at the Munsters, coming round here.
18:57I've got a nameless horror you're going to come across next.
19:01HE MUMBLES
19:06HE MUMBLES
19:12HE MUMBLES
19:15HE MUMBLES
19:19HE MUMBLES
19:21Not too grisly for words. Surely to God...
19:24Do it now.
19:26Well, listen. Listen to this.
19:28Let me out.
19:32Yes, very good.
19:35You should be on the Paul Daniels show.
19:38Paul Dan... It wasn't me, you witless woman.
19:42Can't you display my ventriloquial dexterity?
19:44There's someone in the bloody trunk.
19:46There's a body inside here.
19:49What? Oh, God.
19:52I can hear chains rattling inside.
19:55For the name of God, what kind of a sadist is he?
19:59Here we are, darling.
20:02I'm sorry. I forgot to offer you both a drink, didn't I?
20:05Now, what would you like?
20:07I think there's some martini. I'm not sure whether Victor's left any whisky.
20:10PHONE RINGS
20:17Martin, it's me.
20:19Look, I'm on my way home and I'm in Mr. Sweeney's car, so I...
20:22HE STUTTERS
20:25Very good.
20:28Mr. Henry is still inside my big trunk in the sitting room.
20:32Tied up in a sack with handcuffs on and everything.
20:36I'll go there, for God's sake, as soon as possible.
20:39Oh, my God, there's 12 in her husband's big drawer, Marvin, over there.
20:43Do you know where they keep them?
20:45Any good...
20:47Are you...
20:49Oh, I got it.
20:55God, I'm tired of this!
20:58HE STUTTERS
21:02HE STUTTERS
21:04Oh, my...
21:06What are you, someone who can get this thing open?
21:10HE STUTTERS
21:14HE GROANS
21:19Oh, my God, what have I done to deserve this?
21:25Yes, hello, could you put me through to the fire brigade, please?
21:32Somebody call us.
21:43No reply from the War Boys residence. He must be on their way.
21:46Oh, I gave Mrs. Henshaw a quick wing.
21:48Said he'd be up right before his back straightens out,
21:50but otherwise he's recovering quite well, he said.
21:55I don't know whether this was such a good idea.
21:58I just thought if we could get the pair of them out for the evening,
22:01it might take our mind off this ridiculous hour.
22:04Oh.
22:07Sorry I'm late.
22:09Chris took the wrong turning on the new one-way system.
22:12Oh, right. So where is he? Parking the car?
22:15No. No, he won't be joining us.
22:17He just gave me a lift here on his way to the office to collect some things.
22:22It's all over between us, I'm afraid.
22:25We talked it all through and decided it was for the best.
22:30And as there didn't seem much point in prolonging the agony,
22:34he's moving in with her tomorrow morning.
22:41So it was true, in the end?
22:44That woman next door, that one?
22:47Oh. Oh, no, no, no.
22:50Of course it wasn't.
22:52That was me just barking up the wrong tree, as usual.
22:55Who's he moving in with?
22:58That's the worst part of it all, I'm afraid.
23:03The private detective.
23:09The private...?
23:11Apparently he spotted her after the first couple of days following him around.
23:15They got chatting.
23:17He said it was silly of them to keep taking two cars everywhere
23:21when they could both go home with us.
23:24Seems they just hit it off together straight away.
23:30Everything's gone just as wrong as it could have, really.
23:37Yes, it generally does.
23:40One thing you can be sure about in life,
23:42just when you think that things are never ever going to get better,
23:46they suddenly get worse.
23:52Yes.
23:54Although right now it's hard to imagine how.
24:08OK, OK, everybody, no need to panic.
24:10This is just a precaution.
24:12Somebody upstairs has set fire to a tablecloth in his tunnel.
24:15If you don't want to risk it, don't let go!