One Foot In The Grave S04 E08 - Comic Relief Special - Victor in the Bath
Transcript
00:30♪
00:40♪
00:50♪
01:00♪
01:10Amazing the adverse they put in the local.
01:15Laughter
01:19Cane my young traffic warden's bottom.
01:22Laughter
01:24Listen to a housewife moan.
01:27You can do that any day.
01:29Laughter
01:31Hear my massive 46 inch breasts.
01:34Laughter
01:36Hear my massive 46 inch breasts.
01:39Oh, what's she got, cowbells on them?
01:41Laughter
01:44Available via pin number.
01:48Rang one of these numbers up once.
01:50It was about as erotic as Amy Turtle.
01:52Laughter
01:53Nope, that's that rate from cover to cover.
01:56Laughter
02:24Laughter
02:26Madness, unutterable madness.
02:29Laughter
02:31Laughter
02:59Laughter
03:09Laughter
03:14Sorry.
03:17Laughter
03:29Now then.
03:31Laughter
03:33What have we got here?
03:35Laughter
03:45What's in the name of bloody hell?
03:48Laughter
03:54What was the last thing I said to you before I went out?
03:58About keeping an eye on the weather for me.
04:00Laughter
04:02How am I supposed to put these on?
04:04Spin round like Wonder Woman.
04:06Laughter
04:08I threw these socks away except they'd probably keep coming back.
04:11Laughter
04:14Unbelievable.
04:16You see this, but I just found it in one of those crackers you bought.
04:19No, but do please tell me.
04:21Question, what's the difference between Victor Meldrew and a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes?
04:28Answer, they're both useless tossers.
04:31Laughter
04:33It's right in one of those crackers.
04:35Why don't you say you've got them?
04:37Er, I can't remember.
04:40I think they're Happy Shopper.
04:42Happy Shopper? Do you know what? Someone's been tampering with these.
04:45Poking these things in the end with the end of a screwdriver or something.
04:48Bastards.
04:50Laughter
04:51They person are persons unknown, I presume, who were responsible for this little piece of unpleasantness I found this afternoon.
04:57Laughter
04:59Sticking it at the top of a wheelie bin, if you please.
05:02This is bithery at number 25 and you'll end a heart attack.
05:05Thought we were leaving dead bodies out for the dustman.
05:07What do you expect, playing pranks?
05:09Pranks?
05:16Doesn't even work.
05:18Look, it's got, what's the difference between, and then it says, we're both useless tossers.
05:24How's that the difference? That's not the difference.
05:27That's what we've got in common.
05:29If it said, why is Victor Mildred like a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes, because we're both useless tossers, then it would work.
05:38It'd be a proper joke then, but it doesn't.
05:41I mean, it's not even logical.
05:43They haven't even taken the trouble to think it through properly before poking the bloody things in.
05:48Yes, all right.
05:51Can we drop it now, please?
05:55Don't know how many of these things are circulating out there now, do we?
06:00Evil little buggers.
06:03Still haven't got over them sticking that live frog through the letterbox.
06:08Nor has the frog.
06:10Well, it was croaking away in my bathwater yesterday morning.
06:14Well, at first it was the beans and toast I had for breakfast.
06:19Yes, well, of course, most people would realise it was a frog as soon as they'd picked it up.
06:23Instead of spending two minutes trying to squash it onto a new bar of Palmolive.
06:32Is there a cup left in here for me?
06:34Oh, when you've finished with the Cadbury's fondue.
06:37Well, it felt like a piece of soap in the water, and I hadn't got my glasses on.
06:43Anyway, how was your day?
06:45Anyway, how was your day?
06:47You're late back. Buses up the creek again.
06:50Didn't come straight back.
06:52I told you I was going to stop off to give old Mrs Tebbings another driving lesson.
06:56Taking a bit of a risk when you're jigging out with her after dark.
06:59Women's got precious little sense of direction as it is.
07:02What's that supposed to mean?
07:04Well, how many people do you know who sit in the lavatory facing the cistern?
07:09It took her six lessons to stop her putting her hands in front of her eyes
07:13whenever she went downhill.
07:15Well, so long as she's happy to pay me a few quid.
07:19I suppose it gives her an interest in life.
07:22Especially now her cat's getting a bit old and past it.
07:25Now that it's eyesight's going.
07:28Chased a mouse upstairs into the bathroom last week.
07:31Ended up nearly choking to death on a pumice stone.
07:34Ended up nearly choking to death on a pumice stone.
07:40Said she's thinking of getting it contact lenses.
07:47Contact lenses? For a cat?
07:51Oh, what's she going to do?
07:53Shoot a child with different sized tins of whiskers on?
07:57Of course, you know the story. It wasn't even her cat in the first place.
08:00Just turned up in her garden one day with a little metal disc in the collar
08:03saying, if found, please return to so-and-so at this address.
08:06Know what she did? Sent them back the collar.
08:12She'd never heard anything so daffy.
08:20So, what are you thinking?
08:23Is it the Peugeot still?
08:26Or the Astra, possibly. I'm not sure.
08:31God. Three months, is it now?
08:37I still can't believe anyone would steal your car outside a garden centre in Purley.
08:43I know, just when I thought we were never going to get rid of the bloody thing.
08:49Yes, it's been a complete disaster from the day we first bought it.
08:53Never knew what was going to seize up next.
08:57And then, oh, the bliss when we came out of that tea shop
09:00and discovered that some poor sod had nicked it.
09:05It was like having a very unpleasant boil, lads.
09:10Do you realise...
09:14Do you realise that for the first time in our lives
09:17we're actually going to benefit from an insurance policy?
09:20I'll get it.
09:27You nearly finished in there for tonight.
09:30Seven hours you've been at it now.
09:33I said, don't you think it's time you were taking Denzel out for his walk?
09:39Oh. Well, that's just perfect, isn't it?
09:44What's the problem?
09:48LAUGHTER
09:54There are other things he needs to do out there besides walk, you know.
09:58I'm not blowing this presentation to Leibniz and Wang for anything.
10:02If I get this contract, it could mean the difference between life and death.
10:05We could drop the price on this house and move next door to something vaguely human.
10:09Something that has a reflection in a mirror.
10:12Oh, no!
10:18What do you mean?
10:21This is the absolute bloody limit.
10:24It's... I mean... Oh, for God's sake.
10:286.27. Early one tonight.
10:31In the name of sanity.
10:34Oh, tell me that I'm still asleep, that this is just a bad dream.
10:39You're not asleep. It's not a dream.
10:42They've found our car.
10:46I mean, it's not my bloody fault.
10:49After three months, whereabouts?
10:53Whereabouts?
10:56Finland.
11:07Are you stark really mad?
11:10Finland? That car couldn't get to Finchley.
11:15What did they do? Tow it there with a team of reindeer?
11:19I'm just telling you what he said.
11:22He said a local woodcutter found it abandoned in the middle of a forest,
11:25still with our plants and boxes of foster gin on the back seat.
11:29He said they kept his name and address in case we want to give him a reward.
11:33Give him only one. I'll give him a bloody thick ear if I ever see him.
11:39Who would want to go to Finland in the first place?
11:43I don't know. Here, ring Judith Chalmers.
11:48And I'll go and put your socks in the grill pans.
11:54Thank you. Thank you, said Tutu Bastard,
11:57the patron saint of insurance companies.
12:06I don't know why I bother.
12:14Is it drivable still, or what?
12:17It's supposed to be, according to...
12:20Oh, look at this!
12:24A crying out lullaby.
12:28The man who sold it to us did say it was a very fast-growing variety.
12:33Fast-growing variety?
12:36I mean, you'd think they'd have the sense to prune it now and again.
12:40I mean, you'd think they'd have the sense to prune it now and again.
12:43Look at it!
12:46It clings like bloody superglue, this stuff.
12:49Yes, well, Patrick and Pippa have offered me a lift in,
12:52so I think they're having lunch with one of his business clients or something.
12:56Ready when you are, Margaret.
12:59Coming. You need anything while I'm out?
13:02Yes. I can see if half as to a large and very hungry goat.
13:10Thanks a lot, Pippa. This is just the job.
13:13You're very welcome.
13:15Oh, Patrick, don't forget your presentation.
13:17Oh, Margaret, I have something to say.
13:20I think I've got a pair of white fronts belonging to you at home.
13:23They must have blown across into the garden the other night.
13:26I thought when I was ironing them,
13:28I didn't think Patrick had a pair with a blue waistband.
13:31Anyway, I'll put them to one side in the bedroom.
13:33Pop them round later, all right? There's no rush.
13:36Bye, then. I'd love a dog with a big whale for you.
13:42Is that them?
13:44A blue waistband?
13:46What's the matter with you?
13:48This is the mother of all nightmares.
13:52You pray it will never happen.
13:54I'm about to go into the most important business meeting in my career...
13:58wearing Victor Meldrew's underpants.
14:03Oh, you didn't put...
14:06Anyway, look...
14:09Come on, the seams.
14:11I can't move. My entire genital area has gone into trauma.
14:15Listen, pull yourself together and remember who you're meeting.
14:25This must be how John Hurt felt with that alien in his stomach.
14:36Oh, my God!
14:48Little beggars!
15:01Mrs Withery, how are you today?
15:06What?
15:17Bloody car.
15:21Finland, of all the places.
15:26Wonder why I haven't heard from the astronauts in the space shuttle.
15:29Hello, Mr Meldrew.
15:31We just found a deregistration Honda up here orbiting the Earth.
15:34I think it might belong to you.
15:37Oh, by the way...
15:39I forgot to say...
15:41I solved the mystery of that practical joker.
15:43You know? The rubber hand.
15:45And the crackers and the frog and everything.
15:48Apparently it was that Mr Grimwaite's children.
15:51You know, two doors down from the post office. Do you know them?
15:54I can't say as I do, no.
15:57Oh, I didn't remember him.
15:59Anyway, he came up to me at Astor's today...
16:02...and said he couldn't apologise enough for their behaviour...
16:05...and he was going to make certain that it never happened again.
16:08Which I thought was very reasonable.
16:12Oh, no.
16:17It depends if they take any notice.
16:25They'll be finding severed heads under the rockery now, I expect, before long.
16:30They'll be vandals.
16:34I thought the weatherman said it was going to be a bit warmer tonight.
16:39What were you looking at?
16:40Nothing.
16:42Where's my cup of tea?
16:44What were you looking at?
16:47I think Mr and Mrs Aylesbury are having one of their parties.
16:52Oh, no!
17:01Oh, God!
17:04I can't take much more of this!
17:07Half past two in the morning!
17:30Oh, in the name of mercy!
18:00God, brother!
18:30The first thing in the ring for me in the Lord of the Rings!
18:36It's more than flesh and blood can stand!
18:40I don't know how on earth you can sleep through it, Margaret.
18:44Margaret!
18:48I was just getting off then.
18:50Not an ounce of consideration for anyone but themselves!
18:54Look at that!
18:55There's half a dozen of them on the front line now doing Chuck Berry duck walks!
19:00Shut up!
19:01Oh, come back to bed!
19:05No one else in the street is remotely bothered, only us!
19:12Oh, hang on. Here's one that's gone away.
19:14I'm going to have that.
19:16Come here, matey. That's got you.
19:19Now, where's that safety pin?
19:24That's made you feel a whole lot better, has it?
19:28Very slightly, yes.
19:31It's getting on for three o'clock.
19:33They can't go on for much longer.
19:35Another half hour and they'll all have packed up and gone home.
19:39Just have a bit of patience.
19:58Don't tell me they've stopped.
20:03Half-past nine in the morning.
20:06I can't have had more than an hour's sleep in the entire night.
20:09Well, at least it's Sunday today.
20:12We've no reason to get up before lunchtime.
20:15Just be thankful for that.
20:17That's a nice thought.
20:20Ah.
20:224291.
20:24Good morning. Mr Meldrew?
20:27Speaking.
20:29It's Mr Baskett.
20:31Oh, you're joking!
20:33Here's a memory test for you, Mr Meldrew.
20:35I wonder if you can cast your mind to the music.
20:38I'm not a musician.
20:40I'm a musician.
20:42I'm a musician.
20:44I'm a musician.
20:46Thank you, Mr Meldrew.
20:48I wonder if you can cast your mind back over 17 years
20:51to Mrs Mosey's guest house in Western Supermare.
20:54And I wonder if you remember the small man with a moustache
20:57who had to walk through your bedroom every night to get to the toilet.
21:0117 years ago last summer it was.
21:03How about if I say the name Mr Foskett?
21:07Mr Foskett.
21:09Fancy hearing from you after all this time.
21:12Well, you said if I was ever in the vicinity
21:14to be sure and look you up, so.
21:16Yes.
21:17But obviously I wouldn't just descend on you without giving you a ring first.
21:20No, no.
21:22So, where are you at the moment?
21:24I'm outside your front door.
21:27Yes, I'm on the mobile.
21:29They're wonderful things, aren't they?
21:31Oh, I'm sorry. I just knocked your doorbell.
21:34He's here. He's outside.
21:36Yes. I thought I'd better give him a buzz first,
21:39make sure he's still alive.
21:41You're not saying the otherwise?
21:44Hang on a minute, Mr Foskett.
21:46We'll be right down.
21:48That's all we needed.
21:50Where are my trousers?
21:52Look how he cursed this bloody weekend!
22:01Mr Foskett, as I live and breathe.
22:04Are you well?
22:05You sure I not caught you in an awkward moment or anything?
22:07My God, you lost some hair.
22:09Still, we've all of us changed, haven't we?
22:11I'm a father of two, can you believe it?
22:13Sometimes, you know, I do believe...
22:15Oh, Mrs Meldrew! Remember me, face of the past!
22:17Mr Foskett! My gosh!
22:20Well, come on, Victor. Are we going to let them in?
22:23Oh, yes. Yes, in you come.
22:28That's it.
22:30Yeah, I was just saying, I can't imagine being without them now,
22:33young David and Martin.
22:35They really light up my life.
22:37They give me, oh, I don't know,
22:39a sense of purpose, a fulfilment that words can't express.
22:42Yes.
22:44Well, why don't I go and make some coffee?
22:48Have you had any breakfast at all yet?
22:55Since we were down here visiting my wife's sister,
22:57who's just moved into a little cottage in Twixton Farbour,
22:59just off the 512, I don't know if you know it,
23:01anyway, I thought, why not?
23:03Of course, you hesitate at first,
23:04because people don't always want to see you after 17 years.
23:06For all I know, you may be praying you never set eyes on me again.
23:12I think it's nice if you can meet up with people, don't you?
23:15However long it's been.
23:17Oh, by the way, that address you gave me doesn't actually exist.
23:24I thought that a bit odd at first,
23:26but, well, I expect I must have copied it down wrong somewhere along the line.
23:29Anyway, thank goodness for the old phone book, eh?
23:31Because here I am.
23:32So, how have you been keeping?
23:34You still got that job on the security desk?
23:36No, as a matter of fact...
23:37Of course, it was just after that summer holiday
23:39that my wife left me Penelope for another man.
23:42And so I couldn't deal with it.
23:44Oh, that's the understatement of all time.
23:46You know that feeling when the world just seems to stop turning?
23:48I lost me job, was on all sorts of medication,
23:50and in the space of three years I tried to kill myself 13 times,
23:53which I won't depress you with now.
23:56Six attempted overdoses, two exhaust jobs,
23:59three times I tried to jump off the roof, but they always talked me down.
24:03I expect that begs the question of how serious you are,
24:06and, of course, I won't show you the scars on me wrist.
24:08Look at that.
24:11Actually, it's a miracle I survived.
24:13Anyway, one day in she walked the new love of my life, Loretta.
24:18We got married, had two of the loveliest children on this earth.
24:21I can't believe what it's done for me.
24:23It's a shame that she's got a migraine today.
24:25I'd love you to see her sometime.
24:26Anyway, enough of my life story.
24:28So, what's been happening to you all this while?
24:30Ah, well...
24:31Oh, that was a funny old place, wasn't it?
24:34That guest house.
24:36Do you remember that minor bird that used to impersonate Kenneth Walson home?
24:40Which, of course, was quite a turn-up for the books
24:42after 46 years to find you're allergic to cellotape.
24:46So, then they had to transfer me to the invoicing department
24:49where I stayed for another seven months, and that was that.
24:52Well, I didn't really mind when the time came.
24:54I've never been short of outside interest.
24:56And, of course, my passion for antique dentures remains undiminished.
25:00Are there any more of those jam tarts?
25:02Oh, well... Oh.
25:04Oh, hello.
25:05Healthy old appetite they've got for their age, haven't they?
25:07Yes.
25:08Yes, I think it must be nigh on 300 pairs I have now.
25:11It's been a long while since I counted them last.
25:13Sorry?
25:14Well, my collection of fork's teeth.
25:17Well, I don't suppose that's something that interests you?
25:20Bit of an obscure hobby, really.
25:22Yes.
25:23No, I mean, no, no, no, it sounds absolutely fascinating.
25:26Oh, yeah, well.
25:27The oldest set I've got dates back to the 1830s
25:30and belongs, we think, to an Italian nobleman
25:33who had a rather unusual contour to his upper palate.
25:36Perhaps if you've got an afternoon free, you'd like to come up and have a look.
25:40Yeah, that would be a treat indeed, Mr Foskett.
25:44Look, actually, I don't want to be slightly rude, but...
25:47Oh, my goodness me, is that the time?
25:49Talk about outstanding wealth, and when I go raffling on, I don't know...
25:53Yes, that's all right.
25:55I'll just have to make a quick phone call, if I may,
25:58to see how Loretta and the boys are getting on, and then I'll be on me way.
26:01Yes, right.
26:13What did you say?
26:14Sorry?
26:15Loretta and the boys?
26:17Yes, my two sons, David and Martin.
26:19I mentioned them earlier. Don't you remember?
26:22Yes, but...
26:23They're in there, surely?
26:25What, my two sons?
26:27Oh, no, my boys are only three and four.
26:30I hope they've got better table manners than those two.
26:33Well, I assume...
26:35You mean they're not your grandchildren?
26:39Grandchildren?!
26:46You two!
26:47Who the bloody hell are you, for goodness' sakes?!
26:50Ian Grimwade.
26:51Neil Grimwade.
26:52Grimwade?
26:53What the hell are you doing in my house?!
26:55Dad told us to come round.
26:57He said we had to apologise for freaking you out with the frog and the snowman and all that.
27:01But you've eaten half the food in our larder!
27:04You gave it to us!
27:06Get out!
27:07Go on, you greedy little gutters!
27:09Coming round here with a swarm of army ants!
27:12Get out! Get out!
27:14Can we have our hand back?
27:16You'll get my hand if I ever see you round here again!
27:18And you can keep away from our garage in future as well when you're at it!
27:24Don't go in there for a minute. I'll get that dustpan.
27:32Something the matter? You all right?
27:35She's gone.
27:37Gone?
27:38Gone where?
27:40She's left me.
27:42She didn't say where.
27:44She just told her sister to tell me that it wasn't working any more
27:49and the boys would be better off without me.
27:53She didn't have a migraine after all.
27:58I'm sorry.
28:00Are you OK? You look a bit faint.
28:02Oh, I'm fine.
28:04I'll just have a glass of water if I may.
28:14Ah!
28:24I was wondering if we should ring for a taxi or something.
28:27Is he out of the bath yet?
28:29I think he must be having a good soak up there. I thought it best not to disturb him.
28:33I suppose.
28:35He hasn't locked the bathroom door.
28:37Why?
28:38The man's tried to kill himself 13 times as it is.
28:41A thing like this, I mean...
28:43Well, you could see how close to the edge he was.
28:46What if he gets in the medicine cabinet?
28:48Oh, for goodness sake. He'll be watching too many soap operas.
28:51What's he going to do? Hang himself with some dental floss?
29:12Oh, God.
29:15Don't move!
29:19Just stay perfectly still.
29:24There's no point, Mr Meldrum.
29:26There's no point anymore.
29:29Just stop.
29:31Just for a second.
29:33Won't we talk about this?
29:38I'll put on the fire brigade.
29:42There.
29:48Ah!
29:50Riverbank.
29:52Yes.
29:53I don't know. It sounds as if we may be too late already.
30:02Oh, shit.
30:07Try not to move.
30:09No.
30:10Idiot!
30:11I'm coming back!
30:23Hurry!
30:27Right.
30:28At the cost of office space these days,
30:30it means a considerable saving in overhead,
30:32which I'm more than delighted to reflect on my proposed scheme.
30:35Anyway.
30:37Here we are.
30:38If you were agreeable,
30:40the nerve centre for the new auditor of Leibniz and Wang.
30:45Do any of you have any questions?
31:09No? Fine.
31:11Well, let me take you back down, then,
31:13and give you both a top-up.
31:26Did you bring those to fagging with the chicken?
31:29I did, yes.
31:30Did you lock the car up afterwards?
31:32I didn't, no.
31:33Did you remember to leave the keys in the ignition?
31:36I did, yes.
31:39God knows why.
31:40People keep bringing the bloody things back.
31:43Excuse me.
31:44Did you know you left your keys in the car?
31:46Someone could easily steal them like that, you know.
31:49Chance would be a fine thing.
31:52What's that?
31:53Oh, someone tried to deliver a parcel, apparently.
31:56They've left it next door.
32:09LAUGHTER
32:16Ah, Mr Meldrew.
32:18Are you well?
32:20I gather that you've got a package for us.
32:23Hmm. Oh, yes.
32:25Yes. Now, where did I put that?
32:27Now, in this drawer here.
32:29Oh, no. No, that's not it, is it?
32:31No, that's the letter I received this morning from Leibniz and Wang,
32:35a company which I had dared hope
32:37might put a rather lucrative business deal my way.
32:40That is, of course, until they popped round last Sunday
32:43to finalise one or two details
32:45and were somewhat taken aback not so much by the hideous sight
32:48of a naked man dangling outside my office window
32:51as by the hideous sight of what was dangling from the naked man.
32:57Following which, in time-honoured fashion,
32:59they said that they would let me know.
33:01And, lo and behold, this morning...
33:05Yes, they did.
33:07Well, never mind, as they say.
33:10If I could just make one small suggestion.
33:13Perhaps a stronger lock on the door of your laboratory
33:16might stop them escaping next time.
33:20Yes, I'm sorry if...
33:22Oh, I remember. The front room.
33:24Almost forgot.
33:26Ah, yes. Here we are.
33:28I thought it might be a new consignment of human organs or something,
33:31so I kept it in the wall.
33:33Man, is that all right?
33:35Thank you very much. No.
33:37No, thank you very much, Mr Melgrove.
33:45I think, er, warped is the word that springs to mind.
33:49You deliberately let him think they'd turned you down
33:52just to make him feel awful.
33:55Yes.
34:04What?
34:05Ah!
34:06Um, hang on a minute.
34:11What the hell is it?
34:13You didn't send away for anything, did you?
34:15No, I didn't.
34:17The postmark says it's for you.
34:19Oh, thank you.
34:21You didn't send away for anything, did you?
34:23No, I didn't.
34:25Ah, the postmark says it's much if I can see where it's from.
34:33Dear Mr Melgrove, you are right to inform...
34:37Oh, it's from...
34:39Oh, no.
34:41It's Mr Foskett.
34:45After he left here on Sunday, you remember?
34:47With that police officer.
34:49I'm going to try and calm him down.
34:51It says, about half-past eight,
34:53he left the interview room to go to the toilet
34:56and threw himself out of the window on the seventh floor.
35:02Prior to that, apart from the break-up of his marriage,
35:05the only thing he talked about was how kind and generous
35:08you and your wife had been to him that day,
35:10and how nice it was to think you were so genuinely pleased to see him
35:14after all those years.
35:16Before he died in hospital,
35:18he asked if we could arrange for the enclosed to be passed on to you,
35:21as it was something you had expressed such a fascination for
35:24when you last saw him.
35:47I suppose you can see why they do it.
35:50The people across the road just spend all night laughing.
35:57But the only thing you can do to stay sane...
36:01is laugh.
36:03Yes.
36:05See the funny side of things.
36:08Yes.
36:12I mean, if we couldn't laugh at all this,
36:15we'd be committing suicide.
36:17Yes.
36:26Where are the sleeping tablets?
36:29In the cupboard by my bed.
36:33Right.