One Foot In The Grave S06 E01 - The Executioner's Song
Transcript
00:00OK. And finally, Patrick, three things that cause you stress.
00:05Remember, we disgust them, we disable them.
00:08Um, only three.
00:10Er, well, let's see. Work, I suppose, hasn't been much fun,
00:14since the man who lived next door killed my chances of promotion.
00:18Family, never quite managed to start one,
00:21after the man who lived next door sabotaged my sperm account.
00:24And, of course, our new house has never really felt like home.
00:28What with the man who lived next door losing all our furniture.
00:31Ah, now I think I see a pattern beginning to emerge here.
00:34Demonising of this mythic figure in your life
00:37suggests a certain irrational paranoia at work.
00:40Yes, yes, I can see why you'd think that.
00:43But I swear to you, this person has totally dodged my life.
00:47I'm talking about a man here who, for reasons utterly impenetrable,
00:51drove a motor mower around my employer's carpet,
00:54singing Hey, Mr Tambourine Man.
00:57Then proceeded to demolish her summer house
01:00and poisoned the entire garden by spraying it with cocaine.
01:04And the reduction in your fatigue.
01:06An impromptu vasectomy performed by a crab up my beach shorts.
01:15Yes.
01:19No, I just...
01:20OK, to eradicate the problem, you must first confront it.
01:24Go back and visit this man.
01:26If you face the fear, only then can you neutralise it.
01:30Right.
01:31And how do we neutralise these tensions in our life?
01:34By understanding the therapeutic nature of a fundamental human mechanism,
01:39the act of laughing.
01:40Regular laughter not only lifts our spirits,
01:43it stimulates the diaphragm, assisting our breathing
01:46and so relieving our stress.
01:48So, for a count of ten, please, with lots of gusto.
01:52LAUGHTER
02:08The trash you read in this loco nowadays.
02:11Do you remember that comedian with the big teeth?
02:14Printed such a terrible write-up of his act,
02:17he went home and jumped off the roof.
02:19They've only got a review of his suicide in here now.
02:24Page 17, arts critic Marjorie Quayle
02:26is unimpressed by comics' final caper.
02:29If you want to do something useful,
02:31you can put this washing in the machine for me.
02:34It's mostly woolens,
02:35so make sure you set it at the right temperature.
02:38Though undoubtedly funnier than any of his jokes,
02:41the sudden death last night of orthodontically challenged Larry Hackett
02:45by plummeting from a tall building
02:48fell as flat on his face as the man himself.
02:51Ranked against the self-destruction of other famous funsters,
02:55this creaky creed occur
02:58like the vintage martyrdom of a Hancock of fatty albacore.
03:04It was about as emotionally unsettling as a bag of winkles.
03:09He's only trying to earn a living, poor bloke.
03:13Oh, give it one star for don't bother.
03:19I'll be out the back.
03:21Yes.
03:28Morning.
03:29Morning.
03:30Hello, professor.
03:31Come on, your lunch break.
03:33I don't want to hassle you, Mrs Mowdrew,
03:35but we've had a few calls
03:37about an extremely loud television blasting out of your bedroom at all hours.
03:41My God, is this it?
03:44What have you got in there? The Empire of Leicester Square?
03:47Yes. I'll spare you the plot of another Whitehall farce, Roger.
03:50Suffice to say, it all hinges on the words 15-inch and 50-inch
03:53sounding very similar over the phone.
03:55You're supposed to be coming to take it back next week.
03:58Only Mr Bithery says the vibrations from Moira Stewart
04:01have been loosening his false leg.
04:03Hancock, my ear. Pippa.
04:05Oh. Um, sorry, will you excuse me?
04:09Come on, what's this?
04:11It's going to grow.
04:14Come on, what's this?
04:16It's going to grow.
04:18It's going to grow.
04:42I know. It must be absolutely ages.
04:48Oh, yes, easily.
04:50Anyway, how are things?
04:52Oh, a bit grisly at the moment, if truth be told.
04:55With it being Patrick's time of the month and everything.
04:58You know that thing men go through
05:00where they can't open their mouths without getting right on your tits?
05:07Oh, yes.
05:09Oh, yes.
05:11Oh, yes.
05:13Oh, yes.
05:15Oh, yes.
05:19What with that and Denzel losing his voice.
05:25Anyway, how about you?
05:27Oh, yes.
05:29Still ticking over. Thanks for asking.
05:32Did I tell you I'm doing some work for this agency
05:35as a part-time care assistant?
05:37Oh, you know, visiting one or two people,
05:39getting them washed and dressed in the mornings.
05:42Of course, Victor's got his new window-cleaning round,
05:45which seems to be keeping him out of mischief.
05:47Anyway, if you're feeling a bit down in the dumps,
05:49the two of us are going out for a bite to eat tonight.
05:52Why don't you join us?
05:54Right. Bye.
05:58Victor, what the hell are you doing?
06:00It's all right. I think you're going to be able to wear them.
06:03It's just I may have left them in a little bit too long.
06:06Oh, will you stop that?
06:08This is the washing I said I'd do for that lady
06:10in the hospital and her three children.
06:12Ha!
06:13Pops, there it is.
06:16This is what I wear, you think?
06:19Look what you've done to these now.
06:22I'm sorry, I... I do.
06:29Ah, thank you very much.
06:34Can this possibly be our handmade silkscreen wallpaper
06:38for the spare bedroom?
06:40I'd just about given up hope.
06:42It's a wonder they sent it at all,
06:44the way you kept moaning on at them,
06:46ringing up asking to speak to William Caxton.
06:49I merely asked them what kind of medieval printing process
06:52they were using that meant we had to wait 15 weeks
06:55for a simple order.
06:57Didn't care for his attitude one bit,
06:59that would have looked like Frank Zappa.
07:02Anyway, I've said to Pippa they could join us
07:05for this Chinese tonight.
07:07But it's such a long time since we've seen them.
07:09No, not since we stayed over at their house that night
07:12and found they'd put a waterproof sheet on the bed.
07:16And that ruddy sausage dog sniffing around
07:18just as I was getting undressed,
07:20staring up between my legs
07:22and dribbling as if I hadn't been fed for a week.
07:25I don't know what he thought he was about to...
07:29Oh, I do not believe it!
07:34Will you look at this?
07:38APPLAUSE
07:44Bastards!
07:46Can you believe the nerve of this?
07:50I'll skin their ruddy heights for them!
07:58Oh, there we are.
08:00If you're stuck on what to get me for my birthday,
08:02there's a Jackson Pollock going begging at Sotheby's for two million.
08:05Just fill this wall rather nicely.
08:07Failing that, I don't know,
08:09something from Rob Harris's non-drip emulsion period or...
08:13So, that's it, then, is it?
08:15You won't come out for a meal with Mr Meldrew tonight on principle
08:19just because of what's happened in the past?
08:21My dear, the police were digging up bones in his back garden this morning.
08:30I hope I don't need to remind you what the shock of seeing Mr Meldrew
08:32with no clothes on did to this poor little mite.
08:35Enough to strike anyone dumb, I should think.
08:37We don't know it was that that made him lose.
08:41What the hell is all this?
08:43Congratulations.
08:45I am pleased to announce that you, Head of Reader's Digest junk mail,
08:50are one of the lucky winners in my special prize draw
08:53and have been selected to receive at least one of the following sensational gifts.
08:58A pair of diamond earrings worth at least £10,000,
09:02a fabulous dream holiday in Sunkist, Waikiki,
09:05or a dead rat.
09:08Open now to see which of these prizes is yours.
09:14Oh, my God, I feel sick.
09:19Yes, this is just one of a series of rotting rodents
09:23that are yours to examine free of charge in your own home.
09:27Please rush me a decomposing squirrel by return post.
09:31Yes, well, we'll see how they like a dose of their own ruddy medicine for a change.
09:35You know who you're starting to turn into, don't you?
09:38And the frightening thing is, you can't even see it.
09:58BUZZER
10:04Time of the month.
10:10Bloody zip.
10:12Don't know why I bother.
10:14Brand-new pair of trousers and can't budget for love nor money.
10:19BUZZER
10:26I mean, no matter what you buy nowadays, there's always got to be a problem.
10:31I mean, that was asking for trouble, wasn't it?
10:34Leaving Mrs Warboy's to mine the fort when this arrived.
10:38It's a whopper, isn't it, Mr Mildred?
10:42I mean, she must have known it was the wrong model, for goodness' sake.
10:46Will you keep still, jigging about like a Morris dancer?
10:50There!
10:53Oh, come on. We've got 45 minutes to get to this place
10:56and we'll betide you if it's not up to standard.
10:58I've heard some very dodgy stories about this restaurant.
11:01Meaning what?
11:02Meaning I wouldn't be at all sure this is a misprint.
11:10Meaning what, Margaret?
11:16Well, that was absolutely, um...
11:18Horrible.
11:20One more, please.
11:21Yes.
11:22I think when the crispy duck arrived and they'd burnt the beak,
11:24they'd put a short on it.
11:26Victor, we've already established it doesn't work.
11:29Will you stop trying to force it?
11:31Oh!
11:33Sorry.
11:38Harriet, I don't know why you're moaning.
11:41I think it's all been very tasty, now, shall we?
11:44So, you were saying it's Patrick's birthday coming up.
11:47What are you going to get him? Have you decided yet?
11:49Well, he's been dropping hints about a painting for his office, but...
11:53Or maybe I'll just get him a book or something on modern art.
11:56Oh, well.
11:58Didn't you say there's an artist who lives on your window-cleaning round?
12:01Perhaps you could find out if he's got any decent to say.
12:04I can do, perhaps, tomorrow morning.
12:06In the meantime, I think I'll go for a piss.
12:08Ah!
12:09That's your ice-cream dessert.
12:11We'll be back in two shakes.
12:42Oh!
12:44Ah!
12:46Shit!
12:48God!
13:11Ah!
13:22So, I suppose I've got to take the blame for all this now, have I, as usual?
13:26Yes, whose idea was it to come to this god-awful dive?
13:29Please do remind me.
13:31I mean, when I booked the table, it completely slipped my mind
13:33to inquire about the underground brothel facilities.
13:36You've got to empty your bladder in good faith
13:38before you can expect to be yanked off by the local vice ring.
13:41Well, it certainly gives a new meaning to the phrase
13:43popping out for a Chinese.
13:45You sure you don't want us to run you home?
13:47No, I'll be fine.
13:49Taxi will be here in a tick.
13:51You two get along, have an early night.
13:53I'll phone you tomorrow.
13:55Night.
13:57Can I get you a drink, madam?
13:59OK, I'll have white wine, please.
14:09LAUGHTER
14:19Hello. Good morning.
14:21Do you suffer from a clenched colon?
14:23I beg your pardon?
14:25Does your skirt feel too tight after a heavy meal
14:27and your tummy all puffed up like it's about to explode?
14:30Well, you could be one of thousands of women in Britain today
14:34who suffer the misery and social embarrassment of IBS.
14:37Well, Derek Panthorce has come to talk to us about this.
14:40..which the normal operation of the bowel
14:42has for some reason become impaired.
14:44What's going on here?
14:46Mrs Lavery's mother across the road
14:48rang up to say her TV's on the blink
14:50and would we mind if she watched an item on irritable bowel syndrome
14:53through her binoculars?
14:55She's virtually housebound, you know, and she suffers...
14:57PHONE RINGS
14:59Hello?
15:01..someone standing on a hosepipe...
15:03Oh, um, yes, right. Sorry.
15:06..you know, when you drink...
15:11Derek, who were you trying to ring?
15:14Well, I was going to have another go at those wallpaper merch,
15:17but I suppose I can wait.
15:19I've got to be on my way anyway.
15:21You won't forget to call in on that artist on your way
15:24and see if you can get them here for Patrick's birthday.
15:27If he's there yet.
15:29..many feet of tough muscular tract
15:31whose principal function
15:33is to fill the water with liquefied legumes in her diet...
15:47I suppose you know you're going to go right through that thing in a minute
15:50and punch the cabinet. Mm-hm.
16:04Congratulations on choosing the new advanced miracle freezer
16:07that will never need defrosting.
16:09LAUGHTER
16:11PHONE RINGS
16:17Margaret!
16:19I wasn't expecting you this morning.
16:21Well, I'm actually between house calls,
16:23but as I was in the area, I thought, um...
16:26A cup of coffee wouldn't go amiss.
16:28Where are you off to?
16:30Just popping out for a second, freezer.
16:32What?
16:33Just popping out for a second, freezer,
16:35in case the first one packs up.
16:37Which, of course, it has. Bloody freezers.
16:39So, um, I'll see you later, Mrs Meldew.
16:41Are you well?
16:45Well, you got back safe and sound, anyway.
16:48After last night's fun and games.
16:50Well, um...
16:52I don't know.
16:55What do you mean, what is it?
16:57Why, what happened?
16:59After you'd gone, I got chatting to this bloke, didn't I, in the bar.
17:04His name was Warren. He was there on his own, and...
17:10Oh, God, Pippa!
17:12His wife was away on business.
17:14He said, did I want to come back for dinner?
17:16I said, did I want to come back for dinner?
17:18I said, did I want to come back for dinner?
17:20I said, did I want to come back for dinner?
17:23He said, did I want to come back for coffee?
17:25I said, as long as it wasn't unprotected coffee.
17:28All right, then.
17:30And about 55 brandies later...
17:33I don't know if you've ever had sex under anaesthetic, but...
17:37Now, here's the killer, Margaret.
17:39When I was in the cab coming home,
17:42I found he'd slipped a £20 note into my pocket.
17:45For your taxi fare, I suppose.
17:47Or something else.
17:49Margaret, he picked me up in that restaurant.
17:51What if he thought I was part of the merchandise?
17:55£20?
17:57A loss leader?
17:59The thing is, I've got to know one way or the other.
18:02Being a bit of cheap trade, I could just about deal with.
18:05I've had all sorts of crap jobs in my time.
18:08But if I found out I was having an affair last night,
18:12well, that's why I've got to see him again.
18:14I've got to find out, one way or the other, for my own sanity.
18:21There we go, then.
18:23That's the last of them.
18:25No, it's fantastic.
18:28I think sir is going to be well pleased when he gets back.
18:32Oh, is that the front door?
18:35I'll leave you to it, then.
18:37If you need anything, give me a shout.
18:42As I say, Mr Jarvis is away at the moment in South Africa.
18:45But anything you wanted to make an offer on, I could give him a call.
18:49These would all go for about 700 or 800 in a gallery.
18:55Well, as I say, it's for a friend,
18:57and I'm not quite sure how much she's prepared to spend.
19:00Of course, his international profile is rising all the time.
19:04Chiefly because he's such a perfectionist.
19:07Any canvas he's even remotely unhappy with, that's it.
19:11Out it goes. Trash.
19:20LAUGHTER
19:30Amazing, isn't it?
19:32Something like this can be just thrown away
19:34when you think of what some people would pay for it.
19:37Well, it's only going in the skip if you can find a use for it.
19:40Oh, really?
19:42LAUGHTER
19:50Absolutely hideous.
19:56You honestly think Patrick will want this on his wall?
20:00What's it meant to be?
20:02It's not meant to be anything. It's an abstract.
20:05It's different things to different people.
20:07I thought I might just give it a simple black frame
20:10and it could be a present to him from us.
20:13Stokes to high heaven. I know that much.
20:17You say people pay 700 quid for this?
20:20They must be out of their tiny minds.
20:26Ha! You know why?
20:29It's upside down.
20:31LAUGHTER
20:35But, no, Mr Withers, don't you think you should...
20:39No. Right.
20:41OK, then. Bye.
20:44That's 16 people all called to council now.
20:48Why should that happen all of a sudden?
20:51Well, maybe there's a rival window cleaner in the area,
20:54poaching your customers.
20:56You know, I think it's starting to grow on me.
20:59The more you look at it, the more you see what he was trying to get at.
21:03The way the colours are all quite skilfully arranged,
21:07the more you study it.
21:09If it goes on like this, I won't have any more calls left before long.
21:17Thanks.
21:19Might have to start and sell my body to that Chinese restaurant.
21:22Ah!
21:26Victor!
21:28Leave it to me!
21:30I'll sort it.
21:32Oh, Jack Dietrich!
21:40LAUGHTER
21:44I saw a programme once where they took three months
21:47to restore a damaged Rembrandt.
21:50Now, if I can just get the worst of it off before it dries...
22:03That's done it!
22:06What is it now?
22:08It's Parish Magazine!
22:10You'll never believe what they've...
22:12A review of my window cleaning!
22:18In an occasional series about odd job men,
22:20local arts critic Marjorie Quayle
22:23assesses the work of newcomer Victor Meldrew.
22:27I didn't even know she was one of my customers.
22:30His squeegee action is limp and flaccid.
22:34His entire subtext mild and cliché,
22:37where one longs for broad strokes of sparkling clarity,
22:41Meldrew has nothing to offer but a thoughtless residue of suds.
22:47As for his technique with her shammy leather,
22:50I have seen it more deftly manipulated on a goat's arse.
22:59Well, that's a stinker.
23:01No wonder your business is dropping off.
23:03I'm trying to earn a living, for goodness' sake.
23:08Why have people got to be so cruel?
23:16That's Liddy, who's a little sweetheart, aren't you?
23:19And this here's Sir Gretty.
23:22And out there, eating the pansies, that's La Bruda.
23:25So, are all your packs named after Watergate conspirators?
23:29It's a fascinating period of American history.
23:31You never see all the president's men.
23:33Listen, about the other night,
23:36I had had quite a lot to drink and...
23:40Warren, can I just stop you there for a second?
23:43That money you put in my purse afterwards...
23:46Oh, was more than enough, I hope.
23:48For the taxi.
23:50Listen, you don't have to feel guilty about this, either of us.
23:54It's just there comes a time in any marriage
23:56when you need a little break.
23:58You go abroad for a holiday doesn't mean you have to emigrate.
24:01Yes. Well, I really don't think it's a good idea for us to...
24:05Is this your wife?
24:08Oh, yes. That's Sally.
24:11Bloody hell. She's gorgeous.
24:14Well, she is, in her own way.
24:18And you, in yours.
24:20A few hours from now, she'll be in Geneva.
24:25So...
24:39Warren?
24:41I can't.
24:47Oh.
24:49Hi. Can you believe it?
24:52I'd get me own head if it wasn't screwed on.
24:55Um, sorry to interrupt.
25:00His sister?
25:02Oh, you're joking.
25:04Apparently they share a house, but she's hardly ever there.
25:07Of course he wanted me to think he was married.
25:10That way there was no danger of it getting serious.
25:13I mean, I think that's absolutely the worst kind of cheat, don't you?
25:17Someone who says he's a cheat when he isn't.
25:20Anyway, I think I've found the perfect softener
25:25in the shape of Denzel Junior.
25:28Yes. You can talk, can't you?
25:32I'm hoping that with this and Victor's painting,
25:36he'll be in a good enough mood by tonight for me to broach the dreaded subject.
25:40Now, not a peep out of you till I say.
25:44Patrick.
25:46Very happy returns.
25:48I think Victor's got a little surprise for you.
25:51Upstairs.
25:58Well, I, um, I don't know what to say.
26:01Rather taken aback.
26:04I suppose you're wondering where it came from.
26:07Well, that's right.
26:09Couldn't even begin to hazard a guess.
26:12The rectum of a very nervous albatross?
26:16A flock of willow warblers with chronic dysentery?
26:19Yes, I have to say, Mr Meldrew, you certainly haven't lost your touch.
26:23When your wife said you had a little surprise lined up for me,
26:26I'll admit one or two old favourites did spring to mind.
26:29A gift pack of your own worn underpants.
26:32A gerbil of cat's urine.
26:34But known for all-round staggering pointlessness, this has to take the biscuit.
26:38What do you say? You don't like it?
26:41Mr Meldrew, what is there to like? It's excrement.
26:46Oh, how very gracious of you to say so.
26:49I don't know why I bother sometimes.
26:51You try and build bridges and what happens? I should have known better.
26:55Victor!
26:56You're not going to leave this here.
26:58What is it? What's happening?
27:00How do you even attempt to get inside a mind like that?
27:03It's not just the fact that he brings me a sheet of plywood
27:06splattered with bird shit for my birthday.
27:08For some reason he imagines he can take the curse off the smell
27:11with trace elements of tomato ketchup.
27:15I'm sorry, but it's not staying here.
27:22I'm sorry, I think I forgot my drill.
27:39LAUGHTER
27:45Well, I don't know.
27:47I... We knew the artist wasn't happy with it, but...
27:51As you say, why do people have to be so horribly critical?
27:56How many cancellations now?
27:58More than enough, I think, to convince me I should chuck it all in.
28:02Thank you very much, Marjorie Quayle.
28:06I still can't credit that thing with people, you know.
28:09But she could do something like that without knowing
28:12whether she was being used or not.
28:14For some men, the height of sexual arousal
28:17may be achieved by being pampered like a baby.
28:20People might say I'm abusing the system
28:23to indulge my own erotic fantasies,
28:26but I'm paying for a service.
28:28She's providing one. Who's getting hurt?
28:31The fact that to her it is not a game
28:34is what makes it all so terribly exciting.
28:39Here she is now, so...
28:43Morning, Mr Jefferson.
28:45I'm wearing a thing for us today.
28:47Would you like a hand getting out of your pyjamas?
28:50You're all bathed and dressed.
28:52I thought we might try this new taco powder today,
28:55see if it makes a difference to the itching.
28:59If you just want to ease your legs over to the side,
29:03then I think I can just wriggle these off for you.
29:07There we go.
29:09OK.
29:17I'm going to feel a bit stiff after everything today,
29:20so just have a good night's rest
29:22and let those bones knit back together.
29:26Well, that's one birthday I won't be sorry to put behind me.
29:30Yes.
29:32By the way, I met a bloke the other night at that restaurant.
29:37I was quite drunk and it didn't mean anything,
29:40but we went back to his house afterwards
29:42and made mad passionate love together.
29:44I won't do it again.
29:46Good night.
29:51LAUGHTER
29:55LAUGHTER