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Short filmTranscript
00:00Oh
00:30Oh
00:38Four two nine one. Oh
00:40Hello, Jean
00:42No, no, just out the back putting Victor's spaghetti. Vongole through the incinerator
00:48No, we've tried putting it in the bin the dustman won't touch it not after last Monday's episode with a lobster curry
00:55Said it clogged up their crusher for a week
01:00Not the effect it had on me. I can tell you Oh
01:04Yes, Jean ever since he bought this seafood cookery book every mealtime has been like a Quatermass experiment
01:11Clams exploding in the microwave God knows what Oh
01:16I'm gonna stop to it. Now. Don't you worry about that?
01:30I
01:33Think you breathe the next time I see you. Thanks very much. Jean. Bye
01:53I've told you I am having no more of it
01:56I'm just gonna do a little bit of poached salmon for lunch. Nothing complicated. Nothing is going to smell
02:01That's what you said about the squid and Stilton sauce and they had hopped the road up outside looking for a gas leak
02:07Leave it alone and go and read your newspaper before I go off my rocker
02:13And anyway, you won't be wanting much lunch if you're having your meal with Patrick tonight don't remind me
02:21And you're not backing out of it so don't start that
02:25Now the pepper and I finally got you to the negotiating table
02:28You can have a nice bottle of wine between you and start behaving like a couple of grown-up human beings for a change
02:34Do you hear me? I get these socks on inside out
02:38Do you hear me
02:41Yes
02:52Never again
02:55Long as I live
02:59What happened here another bloody power cut
03:11Before you even ask how it went. I do not want to talk about it
03:16Never been so humiliated all my natural-born days
03:21You know what happened we got there. Hmm
03:24Yes, well, I don't want to talk about it
03:26Bloody Armenian restaurants not one of them spoke a word of English
03:31Can you believe what what they did Margaret? Are you asleep?
03:34Good, but I don't want to talk about it
03:40I
03:44Said I'm sorry
03:46In any case whose idea was it to pick an Armenian restaurant in the first place?
03:52yours
03:55And correct me if I'm wrong
03:56But it was you that rang up and asked for a nice intimate little table where two people could be alone together to discuss
04:02Some personal affairs. I can't remember if I use those words
04:06Exactly. Well, whatever words you used one fact remains doesn't it the entire staff and management were under the hideous impression that
04:14Mr. Meldrum and I were secret lovers
04:20Hypothesis so grizzly at fair curdle the blood
04:23When they brought us one bowl of soup with two spoons
04:27Strangely the full horror of the situation didn't become clear until the next course when a long complimentary sausage arrived at the table
04:36We were then forced to nibble from each end until our lips met in the middle
04:40Like lady in the Trump
04:45Thing we attempted to say was largely academic once the gypsy violinist started serenading us with Armenian love songs
04:52Would have been cruel just to tell him to bugger off
04:57So we told him to bugger off
04:59I don't know. There's always something isn't there?
05:04Yes
05:05Although for maximum embarrassment
05:07It would be hard to top the moment when the waiter came over and in front of the entire restaurant
05:12I can only assume he was attempting to say do you both love pork and not as it came out in his mangled English
05:18Do you both have sex with pigs?
05:21I
05:24Did attempt to leave at that point not before they forced us to pose for some romantic photographs
05:30Holding hands across the table. Oh, that's quite sweet, really
05:36Quite sweet if you take him leave of your senses 30 people in that restaurant tonight think Victor Meldrum and I are sleeping together
05:44Six inches of brick wall. That's all it's separating us
05:47God for a couple of days in the country at your brother's place
05:51What time is expecting us on Friday? It's coming around in the morning for coffee. I said we'd firm up the arrangements then
05:57That is I think what dreams I'm gonna have tonight
06:00about that sausage
06:12Time I wish supposed to be clearing the loft this morning. How did you forgotten?
06:21Oh
06:34What is it
06:38When you washed your face in the dark last night you open one of those new little packets of soap in the bathroom cupboard
06:44Did you yes?
06:46You opened a new little packet of Tesco's toilet flush
06:50It's all over the towel and the face rattle and the pillow
06:56Get up look what you've done
07:00Sorry about that
07:02What are you rushing about for anyway?
07:04Like a bat out of hell because it's half past nine nearly and they're coming to start the loft conversion
07:10It's 12
07:11That cranky couple of yours the McKendrick brothers that if they bother to turn up this time
07:17They'll turn up the generally very reliable
07:21I
07:22Know what you've got against the pair of them
07:25Anyway, one of them's gone deaf from a pneumatic drill and the other one has an extremely weird sense of humor
07:34You would
07:44No more of Ronnie and Mildred Christmas presents up there
07:50I wondered where you got you
07:55Remember this
07:59I said I was gonna try and get it working again. I never got round to it as usual
08:05They said I could have the morning off, but I don't want to push my luck. Oh, that's good timing
08:10I
08:40Are we doing on that lighting source you nearly there?
08:43Am I gonna have to eat a bag of carrots coming up any second? Hang on?
08:48There may be teardrops
08:50Oh
09:12God can you pull it out or anything? I don't know. I'll try but oh
09:19Yeah
09:22How'd you go that time didn't I I should have seen your face I thought you were gonna have a seizure
09:32You know, we'll soon have to make a decision on that paintwork I know I think we've marked up our choice in that color chart
09:38Oh there. Oh, right
09:40I
09:43Put some fresh coffee on by the way, where is it? It's in the jug freshly brewed
09:48Champion, you want me to pull you one out while I'm at it. You would
09:56Did you want it white no, but nearly I think is what we
10:01Get that ordered up for you. There you go. It might be a bit full
10:11Oh
10:14You're not gonna start barbecuing a sperm whale or anything today I trust you know, I get plenty to occupy myself. Thank you very much
10:35That's about it for today mrs. Mel to see you same time tomorrow
10:41I
11:06Just caught one of those bloody timbers on my head
11:11I must have been a nail sticking out or something. Oh shit
11:17Doesn't even look like real blood
11:19Mrs. Mulder, I'm not joking this time. I think I need an ambulance
11:24Seriously, I shall a pathetic
11:34Thank you, but you mean bother I'll use one of these
11:41I
11:44Got it with me here. This is the same stuff. They use on casualty
11:49There's a place in London. You can write off for it. I don't think that's even
11:54Remotely funny. Mr. McKendrick. I think it's sick
11:58Twice in a row. I've had her now. She went white as a sheet
12:10I
12:17Turn again to bloody Harry worth now, what's wrong?
12:25Sad I didn't know you've been to the bank today. I haven't been to the bank
12:2980 pounds I've been to the grocer on the corner and I found this on the floor by the crisp boxes
12:35Why did you hand it in?
12:38To dodgy Douglas who takes three Smarties out of every tube so that he can make one extra one
12:45We're going to go to the police with it there
12:48Nobody's gonna go in and ask if someone's handed in
12:57Well, you can't just keep it
12:59Why not? It might belong to a little old lady an old age pensioner or something
13:04There's a receipt folded up inside for a meal at the Peking Palace
13:08Anybody who can afford to eat there isn't gonna miss 80 pounds and I'm hanging on to it
13:13And if you don't like it, you can love
13:16the pair of you
13:34You go
13:46What you nine one
13:57Yes, how'd you spell that
14:00Yeah, yeah. Yes. Thank you very much indeed. That's a big help. Thanks. Bye
14:11Would you prefer it if I slept in spare room tonight
14:16Let's get into you since you came back from work tonight
14:22I take it that was them. They're ringing back the Peking Palace. Yes. I told you before
14:27The Peking Palace. Yes, I told you be easy enough to trace
14:31They just checked the bill against Friday night's table reservations and turns out to be a chap called croaker
14:37Apparently lives outside town at Cottleswood. I thought I might pop it over to him tomorrow night after going to Sainsbury's
14:44Did you fine?
14:46Well, it's only right, isn't it? I mean it's it is his money
14:50Yes
14:52Well, I'm going to get ready for bed
14:54If you want me I'll be in the bathroom sandpapering my breasts
15:03The flooring it's not for letting out a coffin mr. Meldrum
15:07We got most of it down now, then we'll make a start on your rendering. I've got to go for a few hours
15:12If I'm not back
15:17Where are they and don't say they're not in here because they're
15:24You
15:27Weeks ago, you were supposed to come and finish off my friends and I am still
15:36If you tie that fence up on time, they wouldn't have come through with that football from next door and had his beak off
15:49Excuse me, this is my house
15:54Don't lose your temper you'll only do something you'll regret
16:24I
16:54I
17:18Don't know how much longer we're going to last the way things are going. Oh, well, you're here now
17:23We're in for the night. So let's shut the rest of the world out
17:30Upstairs
17:41There we are
17:43I thought we'd eat about half eight if that's okay with you. Give you time to settle in freshen up
17:48You'll never know Jeffrey what it feels like to be in a normal house
17:52The man isn't gonna suddenly start abseiling past your window start bollock naked
17:57Stench of braised octopus drifting over your fence. Look when we left this afternoon
18:01I think there was some form of geriatric acid house party going on effing and blinding about pelicans
18:08Be there
18:21I
18:51I
18:53I
19:19You can stay there all night for all I care for I've just about had enough of it
19:23What's it supposed to be this time?
19:25Massive concussion of some kind good. I hope it's not some bloody sense into your head
19:53Oh
20:09I need an ambulance immediately. That's very kind mrs. Mildred. We got a fan outside
20:16Oh
20:28He's been at it again
20:30Somehow, I don't think she appreciates the humor Lawrence. See you at 9 mrs
20:34Mildred Oh and be careful with a hatch without a counterweight the steps with a bag of plaster just until tomorrow. Okay?
20:41Yes, goodbye
20:46Hmm
21:01This is a life fancy a beer or something bring me a small campari
21:16I
21:43Do in here
21:46Oh
21:58He's in the larder what he's downstairs in the larder who is
22:04Who?
22:06Well, who else would be in your brother's larder at this time of night sitting on a bag of potatoes
22:10Mr. Mildred
22:12some sort of Joe
22:15Metaphysically speaking, I suppose. Yes, but the temerity to ask me what I was doing here
22:23Time has come I think to bring in some form of contract killer
22:28Mr. Appetizer in people's friend
22:30Oh
22:40God almighty, you know, it only belonged to her bloody brother next door. I thought she'd gone there for a dirty weekend
22:50Covered
22:52Talk about total laughing stock. You'll excuse me if I nugget seriously and horribly drunk
23:00Oh
23:26What's the matter with you got a splinter in your tongue
23:31I
23:38Don't believe you could do a thing like this
23:41Shame, isn't it? When someone has a mind of their own when you can't control everything they do like nice little dumb blondes
23:49It's only a lump of wood Margaret that's all it is
23:52That hasn't stopped you groping and prodding around sticking your head up a skirt for the last
24:00You've gone stark raving mad, yes
24:04Probably I wouldn't be surprised. I mean, that's what happens when you get to my age. You're not fit for anything anymore
24:12Yes, I would think that would just about explain it. Wouldn't it explain what why I've lost my job
24:23Rupa
24:30How did this happen
24:33yesterday
24:35Mr. Farmer came in said they were closing the shop
24:40Business wasn't there anymore and that was it
24:44Said that's from five o'clock yesterday afternoon. We needn't bother coming in anymore
24:50All the flowers that were left over they were just gonna send up the hospital
24:55That's why you wanted to keep the money why didn't just say
25:00I couldn't I didn't
25:06The thought of what's gonna happen to me now what I'm gonna turn into
25:13What are you going to turn into
25:17You
25:24Struggling to fill up my days of mad cookery recipes and playing with dolls
25:30I was frightened. I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh
25:39What happened to your idea about getting drunk yes, right
25:43I'll go and pour us two large ones. If you don't mind, I'll just pop upstairs and see how they've done today. Oh
25:53Victor
26:00I