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Short filmTranscript
00:00As I said, Mrs. Mildrew swore me to complete secrecy over the entire episode.
00:07I mean, there are some things too personal and too upsetting to be just blethered all round the houses as idle gossip.
00:14Well, as far as anyone could tell, the roots of it all started one morning last June.
00:21A few of us were round, having a bit of a chinwag over coffee,
00:25and somehow or other, the subject had drifted on to weird dreams and nightmares.
00:31Exactly. And then, well, it must be for this last month now,
00:36I keep waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat,
00:41and it's always the same thing I've been dreaming.
00:45I'm locked in a prison cell, waiting to be hanged,
00:51for battering to death a balding old man with white hair.
00:58Go on.
01:00And then, at the last minute, they grant me a special reprieve on the grounds of justifiable homicide.
01:09But the strange thing is, I don't want to leave the prison.
01:14I want to stay where I am. I'd kill him.
01:21I keep hanging on to the cell door, just clinging to the bars,
01:25kicking and screaming and yelling that I want to stay where I am.
01:31What does it mean?
01:33Oh, shit! That must be him.
01:36If he only had to go to Sainsbury's and pick up his shoes from the menders, I'd see what he has to moan about.
01:41Unbelievable!
01:43I'm so... Oh, good morning, ladies.
01:46Can you believe that? They've lost the left shoe!
01:50Lost it! And do you know what he did there?
01:53He said he'd only charge me half price.
01:56He said he couldn't see any fairer than that. Can you beli...
02:00They haven't heard the last of that, and I hope they don't think they have.
02:06Oh!
02:08Sorry?
02:10Oh, it's not public.
02:12You didn't get that hideous Noel Edmonds sweater then, after all.
02:16They're out of my size. I'm picking one up Thursday.
02:19You're seriously going to buy one, are you?
02:22I am, yes.
02:26What's this for?
02:28What's the poor pig in my nose with?
02:31What do you think it's for?
02:33I'm going to nail up that fence panel this morning,
02:36stop him next door waltzing into our garden every five minutes.
02:39Oh, yes, by the way, I forgot to tell you. He's getting some pigeons.
02:43Pigeons? Oh, you must be joking.
02:46That's all we need.
02:48Precision bombing raids all over the bloody room.
02:51When did he tell you this?
02:53This morning. He's invited us round there later.
02:56I think he's rather keen to show them off.
02:59This isn't the kind of mustard I buy.
03:02Oh!
03:05How many times do I have to tell you
03:08to pack freshly baked bread on the top?
03:13I'll have to take a bicycle pump to that now.
03:17Did you get my tights? They're in there somewhere.
03:26These are stockings, and they're blue.
03:29Don't you look at anything before you buy it?
03:31Sure, sir, tights.
03:33Thick blue stockings.
03:35That's how you see me, is it?
03:38Well, they might come in handy.
03:40What for? Insulating a pair of electric eels?
03:43I can just take those straight back and change them.
03:46I'm not going back to face all those giggly girlies on the till
03:49and look a complete idiot. You are a complete idiot.
03:52Falloping up and down the hours like Ben-Hur,
03:55slinging any old thing into the trolley.
03:57You haven't got the brains you were born with sometimes.
04:01Oh, right.
04:05Thank you very much.
04:08Thank you, Margaret.
04:10Now, for once, it's Margaret who's starting to get on Victor's nerves,
04:14all over nothing at all, the way it so often is.
04:18And as fate would have it,
04:20things would usually get steadily worse as the day wore on.
04:27Morning, Mr Meldrum. How about it?
04:30How did you...?
04:31Oh, I moved it further down to save trampling your pansies.
04:34How extremely considerate of you.
04:36Now, I just popped by to give you this.
04:38Saturday at three, our annual Summer Fate.
04:40Now, we've got all the old favourites,
04:42Mrs Giddy's homemade Spam
04:44and Mr Dobkin's stall of neo-fascist insignia.
04:47Yes, well, unfortunately, I think I've got something on this Saturday.
04:51And as you'll see, we've got a very famous television celebrity opening it for us.
04:55I've forgotten her name at the moment.
04:57She's in that coffee commercial, you know, The Two Neighbours?
04:59Will they or won't they?
05:01And, yes, we've persuaded her to sell kisses at 50p a time.
05:04So that should be a bit of fun.
05:06She's quite a glamorous lady, I believe.
05:08Yes, I believe.
05:10Anyway, I better dash. I've got my pigeons being delivered today
05:13and I hope you're going to pop round later.
05:15I'm sure you'll want to give your opinion on them.
05:17Yes, I'm sure I will.
05:25OK, so that's Mr Sweeney, 259,
05:28Mrs Meldrew, 236
05:30and Mr Meldrew, 12.
05:33Would you like another game?
05:35I imagine it's probably past his bedtime by now, actually, Mr Green.
05:39I must say, that was very bad luck he had there.
05:42I don't think I've ever seen anyone pick up seven Es at once before.
05:45Must be a record.
05:47Oh, incidentally, Mr Meldrew,
05:49I meant to warn you, don't use the white hand towel in there.
05:52I've got a contagious skin disease
05:54that erupts all down the backs of the arms and legs.
05:57It's not a lot of fun, unfortunately.
06:01Now, anyone fancy a game of charades at all?
06:04Well, to be honest, I think it's time we were getting back.
06:08Thanks for the save. It's nearly quarter past...
06:10Oh, shush. Just a minute, if you would, please.
06:12I think Mother's woken up by the sound of things.
06:14I think she wants something.
06:17Ah, ah.
06:20It was two clumps with her walking stick,
06:22two rings on the bell, two hoots on the horn and one whistle.
06:25Right, where's the code book?
06:27Clump, clump, ding, ding, honk, honk, peep.
06:30Er...
06:32Clump, clump, ding, ding, honk, honk, peep.
06:35Help, I'm being attacked by two masked gunmen with blunt objects.
06:40No, I don't think that can be it.
06:42Oh, no, she probably means clump, clump, ding, ding, peep, peep, honk,
06:45honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk.
06:48It's a bit of a digestive biscuit.
06:50Right, I'll be back in just two shakes of a lamb's tail, will you?
06:53Well, actually, now might be as good a moment as any for us to wend our way, actually.
06:57Are you sure?
06:58Oh, well, it's been a treat having you, and we must do it again soon.
07:02Yes, we will. You come to us, it'll be fun.
07:05Oh, thanks, yes, that would be nice.
07:07Now, are you sure you don't want to take a pigeon back with you?
07:09They're nice cold.
07:11Er, thanks, I think I've eaten enough for one night.
07:14And thanks for everything.
07:22Right you are, but don't aggravate it.
07:24It probably just needs a poultice.
07:26I'll go and put a flannel in the sandwich toaster.
07:44The Boston Strangler.
07:48That was an easy one, I'm afraid.
07:50Oh, do you mind if I go and pop a drop more ice in here?
07:52Help yourself.
07:56Thank you very much for that.
07:58Why don't you just mind the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and put us all out of our misery?
08:04When you said he could come round here next time, I didn't expect it to be 15 minutes later.
08:10Two bloody hours he's been here.
08:12Well, now you will tell me if I'm keeping either of you up.
08:17Yes, that was a good film, the Boston Strangler, yeah.
08:19Do you ever see it? Tony Curtis.
08:21Oh, I think we saw it in London.
08:23I think that's the one where he was sexually molested by a monkey.
08:27Was he? I don't remember that.
08:29Not Tony Curtis, Victor.
08:35As we were standing in the queue outside.
08:37You know those buskers with a monkey that holds out the cap for the money?
08:41Well, it leapt on Victor like a thing possessed.
08:46It took three buckets of water before they could drag it off.
08:52Remember?
08:55I'm hardly likely to forget it, am I?
08:59And I think we can spare Mr. Sweeney all the lurid details if you don't mind.
09:03Put him anywhere near a monkey and they go wild with excitement.
09:09Chimpanzees, orangutans, the lot.
09:12We never have fathomed out why they find him so erotic.
09:16I did think of writing to Desmond Morris.
09:19Right.
09:20Now, I know, don't I?
09:22Know what?
09:23Why all those biddies were laughing this morning when I peeled that banana.
09:27It's so nice to know that every embarrassing detail of my life
09:30has been broadcast to the world by those closest to me.
09:33Victor Meldrew, the complete idiot.
09:35He's always good for a laugh. Just ask his wife.
09:49Where have you been? Up since a crack of dawn.
09:52Thought I'd beat the rush at the supermarket for once.
09:55One pair of tights.
09:59Where's the street map?
10:02It should be there in that drawer.
10:05I've just spoken to Mum.
10:07She says she's read somewhere the world's coming to an end Saturday morning
10:10and do we want to buy her electric kettle?
10:13I think I'd better go up there Saturday afternoon, have a quiet word.
10:17If you don't mind being left on your own, you could always go to Mr. Sweeney's fate.
10:22What fate's that?
10:23You said they're going to have that coffee commercial girl there this year.
10:27You know, that glamorous blonde with the pouting lips you're always moaning about.
10:32Really, her?
10:36Well, I suppose I'd better go along or I'll never get the last of it.
10:41What are you looking up?
10:42I saw a card in the wall in Sainsbury's advertising a pair of black shoes.
10:47See what they're like at any rate.
10:49Magwitch Crescent.
10:51Then I came up to town to buy that Noel Edmonds sweater.
10:55I see.
10:58Just to be obstinate, you're going to pollute the environment with that eyesore, are you?
11:03Off a knitting pattern from hell.
11:06It's a wonder the girls who handle them aren't given safety goggles.
11:11You wear what you want, Margaret. I'll wear what I want.
11:15You wear what you want, Margaret. I'll wear what I want.
11:28Yes?
11:29Ah, hello. I believe you've got a pair of black shoes for sale.
11:33Oh, yes. Please, come in, won't you?
11:38Well, that was very quick. I only phoned the details through an hour ago.
11:42Well, I just lost a perfectly good pair myself at the shoemakers.
11:46Um, you say they're almost new?
11:49Oh, brand new. They're just about a week old.
11:52You see, I'm afraid my husband's just died and, well, I shan't have any use for them, obviously.
11:58Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that.
12:00You'd like to come through and try them on?
12:02Thank you very much.
12:05Yes, it's probably a bit sudden in that setting, of course,
12:08but, well, you have to pluck up the courage, don't you?
12:12Go on, Margaret.
12:14I mean, that's what he was always drumming into me and...
12:18I'm sure that's what he'd have wanted.
12:22Uh, eight and a half. That was your size, wasn't it?
12:25Yes, it was.
12:26Oh, I'm sorry.
12:27Oh, I'm sorry.
12:28Oh, I'm sorry.
12:29Oh, I'm sorry.
12:30Oh, I'm sorry.
12:31Oh, I'm sorry.
12:32Eight and a half. That was your size, wasn't it?
12:40Yes, it is.
13:02Oh!
13:32LAUGHTER
13:47LAUGHTER
13:59LAUGHTER
14:02LAUGHTER
14:06LAUGHTER
14:16LAUGHTER
14:26LAUGHTER
14:33LAUGHTER
14:41BELL RINGS
14:51Evening, Mr Meldrew. I can't stay long.
14:53Right you are. Bye.
14:59BELL RINGS
15:02LAUGHTER
15:05Um, Margaret did say she wanted to borrow this recipe book.
15:09Oh, you'd better come and wait for her. She's not back from work yet.
15:13Oh, really? Why is that?
15:15I have the faintest idea. Ask her.
15:18She's probably recording a newsnight interview with Peter Snow about how much I snore in bed.
15:23Unusual for her to be this late.
15:26Perhaps I'll give the shop a ring, see if she's still there.
15:30Perhaps she's planning to sell me off to a circus. It seems that's all I'm fit for these days.
15:35Marriage. See why people don't bother with it any more.
15:39Yes, I agree to take this man, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health,
15:43till death do his part, when I get a good price for his shoes.
15:49Perhaps I'll go tomorrow and throw myself under a steamroller she can use me as a hearth rug.
15:55Mr Meldrew?
15:56You want a cup of tea or something?
15:58No, I... I just spoke to the manageress at the florists.
16:02She was still there doing some paperwork.
16:05She said Margaret never turned up for work fair this morning.
16:10Nobody's seen or heard anything of her all day.
16:15Naturally, it was a terrible shock.
16:18We couldn't imagine what had happened.
16:20She left the house at 8.30 as usual.
16:23When could she have got to?
16:28For the next couple of hours, we were hardly off the phone.
16:31Ringing everyone we could think of.
16:33Her mother, friends, relatives, neighbours.
16:36Nobody had seen or heard from her or anything.
16:41By midnight, she still hadn't come home.
16:44And naturally, by then, we had to call in the police.
16:48I volunteered to stay over in case there was anything I could do.
16:51But of course, there wasn't.
16:55Neither of us got a wink of sleep all night long.
16:59The morning came round.
17:01There was still no sign of her.
17:04And then, it must have been about half past five in the afternoon, I suppose,
17:10we got a phone call that just about scared the living daylights out of both of us.
17:15Hello?
17:20It's the police.
17:25They found Margaret's raincoat down by the canal.
17:35We fished it out and...
17:38we found an old receipt in the pocket.
17:41We matched it against her access number.
17:44I'm sorry to have called you out here like this, Mr Meldrew.
17:48Yes, it's her coat.
17:51There's nothing we can do here, Mr Meldrew.
17:55Why don't you come to my place for a bit?
17:57Try and get some rest.
18:01No, thank you, Mrs Warboys. I think...
18:04I'd rather be on my own for a bit, if you don't mind.
18:22Come on, sweetie.
18:24Come here.
18:26Good.
19:22Shut the door properly, or it'll just flap in the draft.
19:25Sorry.
19:35Where the bloody hell have you been to?
19:39Why? Were you worried about me?
19:42Why would I be worried about you?
19:45I'm not worried about you.
19:48Were you worried about me?
19:50Worried? Where have you been?
19:53Margate.
19:55Where?
19:56You know, up on the north coast of Kent.
19:58I know where sodding Margate is.
20:00What the hell were you doing there?
20:02I've been police tracking rivers and...
20:05curbing the countryside with sniffer dogs for you.
20:08I mean, what in God's name did you think you were playing at?
20:13Come to bed.
20:15What?
20:16Come to bed.
20:18But...
20:22What happened? Are you all right or what?
20:25Of course I'm all right.
20:28I just needed to escape for a bit.
20:32You know how you do sometimes.
20:35It was a complete spur-of-the-moment thing.
20:38I was walking past that office yesterday morning,
20:41the one that does all the coach tours,
20:43and I saw a sign.
20:45Two days in Margate.
20:47So I just got on it and went.
20:50I did think of bringing you when I got there,
20:53but that would have defeated the whole object.
20:56Defeated what object?
20:59We went there for our third anniversary.
21:02Do you remember?
21:04And you took me to that huge funfair place,
21:08Dreamland,
21:10where a couple of excited children...
21:12We got stuck in the Hall of Mirrors for over an hour.
21:15The man had to come in and get us.
21:17And you said you didn't mind.
21:19You were happy to stay there and look at all the reflections of me.
21:24Did I?
21:29Funny how the sea can stir up memories.
21:35Because that's when I remembered it,
21:38sitting there on the front yesterday afternoon.
21:42Suddenly it all came back to me.
21:45And suddenly I understood it.
21:49You know, that nightmare.
21:53What all came back to you?
21:59When I was five years old,
22:02we had two budgies that I always felt sorry for,
22:06locked up all the while in the same cage.
22:09And one day I tried to let them out for a fly round the room,
22:15but one of them wouldn't come.
22:18And I got hold of its wing and tried to tug it,
22:22but it just kept clinging on to the bars and squawking
22:26and just refused to come out of the cage.
22:29The other one flew straight out like a rocket,
22:33straight across the room,
22:35and crashed into the window and killed itself.
22:40The next day at school,
22:42we were asked to write a story about something that had happened to us,
22:47and I wrote my story about the budgies.
22:51And the teacher, Mr Phillips,
22:54made me read it out loud in front of the whole class.
22:59And everyone laughed.
23:02And I knew he'd done it deliberately,
23:06just to be cruel to me,
23:09because basically he was a bastard.
23:15And he was bald, with white hair.
23:20And I remember thinking, even at that age,
23:23how much I wanted to batter him to death.
23:28And the next day, when Mum tried to take me to school,
23:33I refused to go.
23:35And she kept smacking me and trying to drag me out,
23:38and I kept hanging on to the front door,
23:41screaming and kicking,
23:44because now I knew how horrible everything was out there.
23:49And I knew why the other budgie hadn't wanted to leave the cage.
23:54Because I suppose he knew he was better off where he was.
24:00But they found your green raincoat by the canal.
24:05Did they?
24:07What do you mean, did they? How did it get there?
24:11I hadn't worn that coat for two years,
24:13and last week I gave it away to a jumble sale.
24:18You never did notice anything I was wearing.
24:21You never did notice anything I was wearing.
24:26Well, night-night.
24:32Night.
24:46Tomorrow afternoon, at the feet,
24:49when you go up to that girl for your kiss,
24:52have a couple on me.
25:01OK, ladies and gentlemen, the big moment now.
25:04The lovely actress and star of all those famous coffee commercials
25:08couldn't make it after all, I'm afraid, today,
25:11due to a mix-up over her booking dates,
25:13but at very short notice, we're thrilled to welcome another young lady,
25:17just as famous, I think, from a tea commercial,
25:20so I'm sure you'll all give her a very warm welcome
25:24as I introduce...
25:26Sorry, um...
25:28She was here a minute ago.
25:31Where's she gone off to?
25:42Oh, um...
25:47Oh, dear.
26:01And I gather it took three buckets of water
26:04before they could get her off.
26:12I'd better dash.
26:14As I say, I'd rather all this didn't go any further, if you would,
26:19because a lot of it was told to me in the strictest confidence,
26:23so all the best to you both, then.
26:28Bye. Bye. Bye.