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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Oh
00:08God oh, thank you
00:15What a sucky sweet
00:19They're sucking in that exhaust pipe in a minute much more of this
00:22I
00:26Always say that for a really super bank holiday treat you've got to go a long way to beat four and a half hours
00:32tearing up a horse's bottom
00:39Looks like
00:43Another half hour to blue now Christmas card list
00:48Virtually a friend of the family
00:51It's still there even when I close my eyes
00:56I'm watching a party political broadcast by Kenneth Clark
01:06Four and a half hours
01:10Of unfettered misery we have a move now for 20 minutes to my knowledge
01:21Oh
01:23Is that a
01:30What are you looking at oh yes here we are hell on us taking a wrong turning
01:42God I wish I was dead. I wish you were dead
01:50Please
01:52There's nothing you can do about it, so stop getting so irritated just gonna have a bit of patience and put up with it
01:58Are you sitting on the mirror?
02:00I
02:18Said it was faulty
02:21Say for wearing a black mamba around your neck
02:26You try yours
02:28No, you'll see what I mean, I don't need to try it try it
02:58I
03:03Suppose it could be worse you could have gone to that arts and crafts fair again like we did last year
03:10Took about pathetic
03:13First price of fabric design went to a man who did a nose in the tablecloth
03:17But a certificate of merit and a five-pound gift voucher from the core funeral parlor
03:22I
03:27Need to sing to a decent watercolor was that photograph of Jilly Cooper two cats had urinated on
03:33There with any taste
03:35I'm surprised you remember much about it the amount of homemade turnip wine. You were putting away in the refreshment tent
03:42They crammed the back to the loo. It sounded like someone running a bath
03:46I was well within my limit. I was perfectly sober
03:50I suppose that's why you spent ten minutes having an argument with the papier-mâché replica of the mayor's wife
03:58Yes
04:00She didn't look quite realistic I have to give them that
04:04Moody on about the litter in the street and what was her husband going to do about it?
04:10What did you think all those little wisps of newspaper were sticking out of her face
04:16I didn't like to ask I some way of type of eczema
04:28Next bank holiday, I'll just put a couple of seats in a bread oven and be done with it
04:33Like a brazen boiled lobsters
04:38Get a move on up front for God's sake what the bloody hell's going on out there much more of this
04:46I'm up there somebody man
04:56Time is it
04:5925 past 3
05:03Close two minutes past
05:05You see I've got to go all the way through again there because you can't turn it back
05:09Nothing, but trouble this car from the word go
05:12God knows who the previous owner was
05:15Maybe didn't judging by the suspension five times has been back for a pair in two months one fault after another
05:24You know what the man in the fish shop said it's old psychosomatic
05:28What when your windscreen wiper suddenly flies off and spear the wood pigeon?
05:33classic case of Honda Chondria
05:36Well, you imagine everything's wrong with the Japanese car
05:39Said it's all in the mind
05:41With electric shocks aren't all in my mind. They're all up my bloody arm
05:45Every time I get out and touch something 5,000 votes through my fingers
05:49Sparks and God knows what?
05:52Go to pull down the garage doors like a scene from Frankenstein's laboratory
05:58He set fire to an azalea last week
06:03And I notice it never affects you only me as usual
06:08Yes, well some people are more susceptible than others, that's all those that have 40 wiring to start with
06:17God's sake how much longer we got to sit here
06:28Complete waste of human life. We'd have stayed at home today and done something useful
06:34a
06:37Million things like what?
06:42Well I could have cut my toenails for a start that's one job
06:47Good dude now if I brought that special gadget. Oh, yes the one that fires the clippings across the room like a crossbow
06:53I always pick them up afterwards not always you don't because you can't always find them
06:58I've never lost a toenail yet
07:00I always make a point of not moving on to the next one
07:03So I found the one I've just cut and brought it back to the title game. It's a rule
07:06I've always stuck to over the years
07:08Never known anyone as lethal with a toenail clipper as you
07:12Got the paper boy in the eye with one the other day
07:16Some objects I told you to make sure all the windows were closed
07:31In London, but shock horror drama the organizers have called it god-blooded Derek Jamieson
07:38Listen to the back end of a horse. Thank you very much
07:44What's another name for the dung beetle Giles Brandis
07:50And Stanford love no money
07:53Oh
07:56Sorry for God's sake tell them to get a move on up the front
07:59What are they got up there this time gangs of navvies and cranes fitting filly long shades?
08:03I've been sat here for half an hour a
08:06tire the beginning to take root
08:18Give myself a headache doing that now
08:23See why people become psychopaths
08:27It's the same with that woman who serves in the butchers
08:31In one of her twitchy moods again on Saturday. It took three of us to prize the meat cleaver out of her hand
08:39But we're moving to another counter away from the smell of blood
08:43They tried it for a week in dairy produce. They didn't like the way she kept flexing the cheese wire, so they sent her back again
08:50Apparently she's been completely banned from the public gallery at inquest now
08:55Reckon she's been getting steadily more unstable for weeks
08:59Ever since she came home and found her husband playing chess with an inflatable woman
09:04Anyone I should think
09:07Is it she thought it seems to fit
09:15Getting all stiff
09:20I'm gonna have to get out and stretch my legs. It's no good
09:31You should wear rubber soles rubber soles I need a lightning rod up my trousers
09:49I
10:19I
10:21Don't
10:43There's a pub on the other side of that slope, so we're very friendly
10:47Do you want to go no, I'm fine. Thanks
10:57You haven't moved very far then mr. Meldrum evidently not I
11:02Thought you'd at least be down by the remains of that rotting badger. Well. We're not not likely to be either at this rate
11:09You get my crisps. Oh, no, sorry. They didn't have any salt and vinegar. They only had smoky bacon
11:15Asked you to get smoky bacon you asked me to get salt and vinegar. I said don't get salted vinegar
11:21I say get smoky bacon. Oh they had plenty of smoke, but you didn't get any three huge boxes chock full of them
11:27But you didn't get it
11:29No
11:34Thank you very much indeed I was looking forward to those the only thing has kept me going for the last 15 minutes
11:45Anyone want to drink at all?
11:47Is there any tea left?
11:49I'll have the pineapple then if there's some of that ice left I
11:54Suppose it was to be expected
11:57Bank holiday
12:01It's too late to go anywhere now first chance we get to me as well turn around and head back home
12:07Still at least it's been a day out change from just sitting around inside all the time
12:16I
12:18Thanks
12:23What's this it's what
12:27It's a wasp in the middle of this ice cube
12:31Was the only one left I didn't think you were that fussy
12:34Good thing I was all that fussy. I have a slice of dead rat in it as well. You've got one
12:39Please the doctor and a cocktail stick
12:45You
12:47Course and crude all of a sudden what's good into me bloody freeze-dried wasp very near
12:55Today I can tell you that
12:58You finish that newspaper
13:05How's your mother Margaret I forgot to ask keeping all right these days touch wood
13:10Oh
13:13Did I tell you I ran into mrs. Biswall the other day asks to be remembered to you
13:18Says all the tunnels have started wagging down our old road because do you remember Bianca Dunlop lived three doors along? Yes
13:26They reckon she's been using her grandfather's stairlift for immoral purposes
13:34Stairlift
13:36How
13:39She didn't go into details I didn't ask her to you just have to use your imagination
13:45man from the social services who went round there said it showed far more signs of wear and tear than it should have done and
13:52That's what first tipped them off
13:54Don't see as I'm surprised. I know well of course she wears nothing in bed except Sainsbury's cocoa butter
14:02When she puts the electric blanket on the bedroom smells like a Malaysian restaurant
14:08You could so do yourself to death couldn't you?
14:14You know that lady that lives in the corner moved into mr. Spiller's old house mr. Spiller you remember
14:21He had that blind parrot that he taught to fly around with the lead of a guide dog in its beak
14:28Well
14:29You know her husband had that horrible accident
14:33Fell down the stairs in the middle of Leslie Crowther and had to have his whole arm put in plaster for six weeks
14:39well
14:40Apparently there was the most terrible blunder made up the hospital because when he went back there to have the cars taken up
14:47There was nothing in there
14:51But no
14:54Gospel truth mrs. Berkey told me on top of the bus
14:56Oh
15:10What people wear in bed and what they don't you think you will want to keep things like that private
15:14That's where I'm ravaging about everyone under the Sun
15:17exactly I
15:20Know I wouldn't tell anyone about the strange things you do when you're in bed
15:27No, neither would I
15:35Would you like me to take over the driving for a bit
15:41Yes, you don't mind
15:56I
16:27So
16:29Typical see this
16:31Story about a bloke who was shot by gangland villains in the East End
16:34Says they dumped the dead body riddled with bullet holes in the boot of his brother's car
16:39And though interestingly this was something the local garage failed to spot when they went over it for the MOT
16:47It's gonna seem not to do this one
16:50Mechanics supposed to have made it this ghillie, but two days ago, and it's still this look at that
16:56I
16:59Keep jacking it about like an egg whisk leave it alone
17:06My stomach started rumbling again hunted any dinner whatsoever or breakfast
17:14Not so much as a morsel of meat in 24 hours
17:18She hadn't thrown that dead wasp away now
17:20Oh
17:26God no my pinky. He's coming on into the bargain like little stabbing needles all over
17:34All down my back everywhere, I've got some wet ones here
17:39Hang on
17:41The hot flushes any minute
17:45Thought it was only women got hot flushes it is usually
17:49Victor's one of the few men that suffer from it had them ever since he stumbled across the details one day in his medical
17:55Encyclopedia oh yes
17:58He's a terror for that thing isn't he?
18:00Most people have a medical dictionary so that when they get something wrong with them
18:04They can look it up and find out what it is
18:06With Victor it's the other way around
18:08He looks up a disease and then develops the symptoms to fit
18:13Treats it more in the way of a Freeman's catalog really
18:16Browsing through to see what he can die of next
18:22Look at this. It's a bloody post office cues all over again. Why aren't we moving?
18:27Oh, I expect we'll move in a minute
18:28I bet we don't but the entire cubit bars that both sides are we are still stuck here ready fumes if we're moving backwards
18:36You sure he has broken down
18:39Well we don't know that do we
18:42I mean there might be nothing at all in this lane
18:45We might be sitting behind a riderless horse box driver might have been thrown out of his window going over a humpback bridge
18:52It's time to move and the other two are slowing down now quick stop her up. We're going oh
18:58I don't believe it
19:01Don't bother not worth wasting the battery
19:05five bloody yards I
19:09Knew it was too good to be true
19:12No
19:13Recession what recession and from where I'm sitting and I've got two salons in North London both doing serious business
19:20Who I look at it is well the economy may stop growing, but your head doesn't know what I'm saying
19:24So I'm now looking at options for a third outlet in Pimlico probably opening next summer
19:29So you just pop along mention my name and get a free shampoo and set on the house
19:33Just say your friends of mr.. Salmon. Oh, I don't know sounds a bit fishy to me
19:38You
19:41Could be anybody
19:43Well, you just have to trust me with my sweetheart. I'll tell you what you can have a full perm for half price
19:48What did you say your name was Lisa Lisa?
19:51and your friend Carol Carol
19:54Could have the full works cut dyed and blow-dried all at 20% discount
19:59And I might even take you out for a drink afterwards now. I can't say fair than that can I?
20:06Well that's for you to prove otherwise isn't it
20:09Oh my god's sake I think I may throw up
20:13Sorry, what's your problem matey? Why don't you just dangle your private parts out of the window?
20:25Whatever I want this is my airspace when you quite finish conducting your sex lives through the middle of it
20:31Carving uses a bloody contraceptive
20:34We are not suffocating to death in here just for them
20:37Let it drop then we're not going past the noses. Thank you very much. Just so she can get up with two six hundred trollops
20:43I noticed it worked for you
20:49Just let it be for God's sake they're not worth it mr.. Meldrum. Yes, and I'm is it greedy
20:56Let somebody else have a look in I
20:59Did not come out here today to be insulted by you and this demented pair of gormless p-bane
21:08I
21:17Listen to Frankie you know what you can do. Don't you see that horse over there? Why don't you just go over and stick?
21:28Yes, I
21:32Sorry
21:35Yes
21:38It's for you
21:52Hello
21:55Sorry
21:59Then we can't bloody well move any further forward I don't give a beggar if you are
22:07Six shots nothing at five at the most where's that gonna get you anyway?
22:13Well you could just bloody well love the thing can't you
22:18And you
22:38I
22:40Suppose you're happy as a sandboy now. Are you what do you mean?
22:44Is there anybody else you'd like to pick a fight with on this stretch of the motorway I?
22:47Think there's a little old lady over there in an invalid carriage. Why don't you go and kick our tires in?
22:57But it wasn't my fault
22:59I
23:05Suppose we've all got to sit in silence here like a mausoleum now have we
23:14Music
23:16There's a bloke we can't stand any longer always on the bleeding moan
23:35Every time we mend his bloody Honda
23:39He's
23:43First we fixed his car's
23:47ignition checked his brakes and clutch and then
23:53Overhauled his whole transmission. He just brought it back
24:09I
24:25Stuck a piece of chewing gum in the record protector
24:28Oh
24:33They hold a note quite well don't they for car mechanics
24:48Mirror image of your life really isn't it car journey in a bank holiday
24:53First 50-odd miles on the go all the way a sense of direction bowling along
25:01Get past 60 everything slows down to a sudden crawl
25:06And you realize you're not going anywhere anymore
25:11All the things you thought you were going to do that never came to anything
25:17And you can't turn the clock back
25:23One way traffic just gradually grinding to a complete
25:32Same for everyone I suppose suppose and you just have to try and make the best you can of it
25:45God I'm bloody ravenous now. I
25:49Can't last a moment longer. It's no good. I'm afraid there's only one thing for it. We'll have to eat mrs.
25:57war boys I
25:59Know she's a bit gristly, but these are desperate times and as a close friend of the family
26:04I'm sure she'll agree to do the decent thing and shoot herself
26:10It's either that or
26:14Or what mr. Meldrum or
26:18You
26:24Where's the sucky sweets