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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:31CHEERING
00:39Are you all right, Mother?
00:42Mother, have you fallen in?
00:46Are you all right?
00:48Who's ever heard of serving boiled egg curry on a plate?
00:51Well, you didn't have to eat it.
00:53It were free.
00:55Where's Mel? I don't want him to see me like this.
00:58Have I gone all pale?
01:00I don't think there's much chance of that.
01:02He's out here with the rest of us.
01:14He's a good-looking fella, you've got to admit it.
01:17I think that curry's affected your eyes as well. Come on.
01:20Of course, I know you didn't go for looks.
01:22We make all personality.
01:24Do you mind? That's my husband you're talking about.
01:26I always think about how some man just gets the old juices flowing.
01:30Bloody hell, Mother, do you have to?
01:32No, you don't.
01:34Everything all right?
01:36Oh, yes, I was just powdering my nose.
01:42You look a million dollars.
01:44You don't look so bad yourself.
01:46Jesus, if we get any more juices flowing, we'll have to swim to the hotel.
01:49Do what? Never mind.
01:51Where's Till?
01:53She's here. Come on, let's go.
01:56Have you got everything?
01:58Are you sure?
02:00Yeah.
02:02Shit.
02:11Come on, we're going to miss the coach.
02:13You've got the day off.
02:15Never mind that, let's just get on first.
02:17That's your grandson.
02:22Excuse me, you don't want to share a cabin to Benny, do you?
02:25Benny?
02:27Benidorm.
02:29Ah, right, no, sorry.
02:31You're on a package.
02:33You couldn't sneak me and the wife onto your coach, could you?
02:35We're not going to Benidorm, we're going to Altea.
02:37Altea?
02:39Is that where you're having your holiday?
02:41Yes, apparently it's beautiful.
02:43Depends what you like.
02:45You won't get an old English breakfast there, you know that, don't you?
02:47Yes, we know.
02:49And there's no karaoke.
02:51We know.
02:53To be honest, there's hardly any English up there at all.
02:55They're all Spanish.
02:57We know.
03:07Ice cream tastes so much nicer
03:09when the sun's shining, doesn't it?
03:11Yeah, definitely.
03:17I wonder how they do that.
03:23I'm going to miss you so much, Mateo.
03:25Hey, come on.
03:27No tears.
03:29You're going to miss your plane.
03:33Call me tonight.
03:35Oh, sweet, my love.
03:37I will call you every night.
03:39Come on.
03:41We're going to be late.
03:43Do you love me?
03:45Hey, come on.
03:47At least tell me you love me.
03:49Hey, come on.
03:51Lisa.
03:53I think
03:55deep down
03:57you know the answer to that question.
03:59I love you, too.
04:09Go.
04:11Go.
04:19Go.
04:25Come on, Mateo.
04:27It's changeover day today
04:29and I want this bar spotless.
04:37Hola.
04:39Hola.
04:49Hola.
05:01So that's up to the top,
05:03across the square, first on the right.
05:05Gracias.
05:07A few steps, I'm afraid.
05:09That's fine.
05:11Does good to stretch our legs.
05:13Yes, quite.
05:19Let's go.
05:49Come on.
06:05How long's it take to hire a bloody wheelchair?
06:07Bought houses in less time.
06:09When have you ever bought an axe?
06:11Monopoly.
06:13It's a figure of speech.
06:15Hey, up here he comes.
06:17That's Senator Julio Iglesias.
06:21If he mentions his five sunbed shops again,
06:23I'm going to deck him.
06:25There you go, my darling. Queen of the room.
06:27Oh, thanks, Mel.
06:29You didn't have to, you know.
06:31You do realise there are people here that might actually need a wheelchair?
06:33You don't have to be a cripple to have a wheelchair.
06:35I'm entitled to take it easy
06:37while I'm on holiday.
06:39While you're on holiday?
06:41You do not sit on your bony arse the other 51 weeks of the year.
06:43Maybe you should have had one of these
06:45for your disability.
06:47You might have got away with it then.
06:49It's funny. I've always dreamed of seeing you in an electric chair match.
06:51Unfortunately, this isn't exactly what I had in mind.
06:53Do you think we could stop arguing for five minutes
06:55and get checked in?
06:57I'd quite like to start my holiday.
06:59Excuse me, Janice.
07:01I'd pay for this holiday. I'll set the pace, thank you.
07:05Slowly but surely, that's my motto.
07:07I didn't set up
07:09five sunbed shops in the greater
07:11Manchester area overnight.
07:13Took me nearly six months.
07:15What have your bloody sunbed shops
07:17got to do with this holiday?
07:19And what is that smell?
07:21Mum, I think Julio's shat himself again.
07:23No wonder he's out of control.
07:25A teenage mother, a father
07:27from God knows where.
07:29Oddly enough, mother, babies tend to fill the nappies
07:31regardless of parentage.
07:33You are such a racist.
07:35I am not a racialist.
07:37We had a black fella living next door to us
07:39when we were down Leamington Garth.
07:41He was no bother at all.
07:43Yeah, and he was still three shades lighter than you.
07:45Come here to your nana, poor angel.
07:49He is a bit whiffy, isn't he?
07:51Right, onward.
07:55Mum, the baby stinks.
07:57It's stinging me eyes.
07:59Don't breathe, Michael.
08:01Don't breathe.
08:11Don't breathe.
08:41Don't breathe.
08:59Gracias.
09:11Mum, I'm tired.
09:13Give me a piggyback.
09:15Oh, language lady.
09:17Hang on a minute.
09:23Is this it?
09:25What do you mean, is this it?
09:27Well, is this the pool? Are these the sunbeds?
09:29That big round wet thing's the pool
09:31and them blue and white things are the sunbeds.
09:33Sorry if it's confusing.
09:35You know what I mean. Is this the only pool?
09:37Are these the only sunbeds?
09:39Is there a point to any of this?
09:41None of this is right.
09:43Mum, I have to change coolio. I can't breathe.
09:45Can we do this later, Mel?
09:47It says in the brochure there's a diving board and a breakfast area.
09:49Mum, can I get in the pool?
09:51Not yet, darling.
09:53Mum!
09:55We're going to have to get in these rooms.
09:57Yeah, well, tell Judith. Bloody charmers, that.
09:59Mel, we'll see you up there. Thank you, love.
10:01Hang on a minute. Where's the diving board?
10:03If we paid for a diving board, we should have one.
10:05He don't speak any English.
10:07Because if he did, he'd have answered you by now.
10:09Now, come on!
10:11Can we get moving?
10:13By God, that's a rough lot I've ever seen, Mum.
10:15The state of them.
10:17This place is going right downmarket.
10:19We're trying to.
10:21What do you think we're trying to do?
10:23She stinks.
10:25Who is that family that were here last year?
10:27Who's that?
10:29Yeah, don't you remember?
10:31Then they got ladded a number two in the pool.
10:33Are you all right?
10:37Looks like he couldn't wait to get in the pool this time.
10:41Leave your cases here.
10:43I will have them set up.
10:45Rule 203.
10:47203. Brilliant.
10:49Muchas gracias. De nada.
10:53It's a little rustic, but it has a certain charm,
10:55don't you think?
10:57It's wonderful.
11:03I take it I'm forgiven
11:05for making you punch me in the face at Gatwick?
11:07I didn't punch you, Martin.
11:09Don't exaggerate.
11:11When you said we were flying to Alicante,
11:13I just had a bit of a panic attack, that's all.
11:15Well, here we are.
11:17Well away from the horrors of Benidorm
11:19at practically the same price.
11:21What can I say? You're a genius.
11:23Martin!
11:25Katie!
11:27What a lovely surprise.
11:30Hola.
11:43You lot didn't mind me and Madge
11:45taking the two-bed apartment, did you?
11:47No, we've always dreamed of living in a one-bedroom flat.
11:49Yeah, all five of us.
11:51Just so naturally I want to be with Madge,
11:53but I can't expect her to share a bed with me.
11:55Oh.
11:57I could have taken her up the aisle.
12:01Apparently it only hurts the first time.
12:03All right, thank you.
12:05Do you know I've got five sunbed shops in...
12:07Really? You should have mentioned it.
12:09But to be honest,
12:11nothing compares to the real thing.
12:13Right.
12:15I think I'll have a dip.
12:17Yeah, I might join you in a minute.
12:21Jesus Christ!
12:23Oh, what is he wearing?
12:25He's supposed to go right up his cracker.
12:27Is he just chewing cloth?
12:29Oh!
12:31Oh, my God, I am not sitting next to him
12:33when he gets back.
12:35Oh, me guts are doing somersaults.
12:37Hey, so am I now, thanks to your fella.
12:47I'm sorry, there seems to be a double booking.
12:49Well, could you give us another room, please?
12:51You can see my wife is very upset.
12:53I'm fine. Can you just give us another room, please?
12:55I'm sorry, the hotel is full.
12:57It is fiesta.
12:59There is, how you say,
13:01much excitement in Altier today.
13:03Yes, I think we saw that.
13:05I can offer you a larger room
13:07in our sister hotel, only a few minutes away.
13:09Brilliant. Yes, that would be wonderful.
13:13There we go.
13:15Sister hotel, panic over.
13:23Yes, yes.
13:25Please, come with me.
13:29Martin! Katie!
13:31Oh, I think we've missed them.
13:33Excuse me, sir,
13:35are you residents?
13:37No, we've just been
13:39looking up an old friend.
13:41He's very athletic.
13:43Can I call a taxi?
13:47Oh, would you mind
13:49no Espanol?
13:53Hola.
13:55Hola.
14:01Will somebody tell me what's going on?
14:03That's his key, I think he's done another one.
14:09Has anyone run out from upstairs?
14:11Yeah, two gas masks and a pair of pants
14:13with an arse in them for Cheeky Charlie over there.
14:15Well?
14:17It's Mel, he's wearing...
14:19Mum!
14:21What is he wearing?
14:23What are you talking about?
14:25Grandad's pants go right up his bum.
14:27Hey, I've told you, he's not your grandad.
14:35He's as good as.
14:37He's done more for them kids in the three weeks
14:39I've known him than you ever have.
14:41Hey, I'm not having that.
14:43Oh, really, do you think so?
14:45Well, at least I don't go parading up and down in front of them
14:47How's the pool?
14:49A bit cold, to be honest.
14:51Yeah, I can see that.
14:53Here you are, Mel.
14:55Get yourself covered up, you'll catch your death.
14:57What, in this heat? No.
14:59Just going to point Percy at the porcelain
15:01and another dip before lunch.
15:05Poor mother.
15:07You're going to have to have a word.
15:09Who's Percy?
15:17I don't know.
15:29No, I'm sorry, this can't be right.
15:31Si, si es el hotel.
15:37I told you you would like it.
15:39Welcome to paradise.
15:41Martin!
15:43Katie!
15:45You're the cab after all.
15:47No matter, we'll get your bags.
15:49I'll get four sunbeds.
15:51I need to get in that pool and Red Rock.
15:59See what it is, your line of entry's all to cock.
16:01I noticed that from over there.
16:03You're joking, are you?
16:05I'm on the reserve team for iDiving for 2012.
16:072012, what's that?
16:09Your neck and shoe size?
16:11No, 2012, the Olympics.
16:13I've got a classic swimmer's build I have.
16:15Just out of season, you know,
16:17for me training.
16:19Lost me six pack and everything.
16:21Lost your six pack?
16:23Lost your bloody mind, you mean.
16:25You're trying to tell me you're on a diving team.
16:27Your body's meant to be straight
16:29when you're into the water, that were a belly flop.
16:31Yeah.
16:33That's because I haven't got the height.
16:35I'm a finely tuned athlete.
16:37I can't work under an amateur condition.
16:39Do you want your inhaler, son?
16:41No.
16:43Here, watch me.
16:45What about that thing that stops the water
16:47going up your nose?
16:49Mum, will you sit down?
16:53There you go.
16:55You get yourself sat in the sun while Martin checks you in.
16:57I must admit, we were surprised
16:59to see you back here.
17:01If it were me
17:03who'd picked up that shite in the pool
17:05last year,
17:07I don't think I'd have come back.
17:09You can be a bit queasy
17:11about things like that, can't I, Donald?
17:13Very sensitive woman,
17:15my Jacqueline.
17:17No, I take my hat off to you.
17:19There's not many people I know
17:21can stand waist-high
17:23in water looking
17:25at a floating poo.
17:27Shows real depth of character.
17:29Oh, yes.
17:31Oh, and then there was all that bother about you
17:33sleeping with the barman
17:35as well, wasn't there?
17:37What?
17:39Well, I say sleeping with him.
17:41We heard it was always a quickie
17:43in the afternoon,
17:45but you know how people gossip.
17:47Are you okay?
17:49I feel slightly faint.
17:51Oh, that'll be the heat.
17:53Can we get you a drink?
17:55They do a very good Harvey Floorbanger.
18:03Feel nice and changed?
18:05Come on. Come to your nana.
18:07Ooh!
18:09Don't you smell gorgeous now?
18:11Make the most of it. It won't last long.
18:13He's going to be a handsome bugger when he's older, isn't he?
18:15Of course he is. Yeah.
18:17Like grandfather, like son.
18:19Let's hope he gets your modesty and all.
18:27Michael,
18:29steady on with that burger. Nobody's going to take it off yet.
18:31I'm hungry.
18:36That fat lad's going to have a coronary
18:38if he carries on diving in like that.
18:40We'll all have one if we have to look at your fancy man's
18:42saggy arse for much longer.
18:56No, no,
18:58rubbish.
19:00I told you, point of entry, your body should be
19:02at right angles to the water.
19:04Watch me.
19:06Well, I think if you've got an all-over tan,
19:08you may as well show it off.
19:10Come on, then, Madge, flop him out.
19:26Mel?
19:30Mel, are you all right?
19:32Mel!
19:34Oh, my God.
19:36He's not coming back up.
19:38He's not coming back up!
19:40What's wrong?
19:42Well, he went in before he's just...
19:48What's going on?
19:52What is it? What's wrong?
19:54He went into that bloody hole.
19:56Didn't he?
19:58You fat idiot!
20:00What were you playing at?
20:02You've killed my husband before I've had a chance to marry him!
20:04Mel?
20:06He's all right. He'll be all right, I think.
20:08Mel!
20:10He's not conscious, Mick, he's not conscious.
20:12I think he's banged his head on the bottom.
20:14Have you got him, love?
20:20Oh, my God, somebody ring an ambulance!
20:22No, I think he'll be all right.
20:24It's only his big toe.
20:26Are you bluffing him, you silly cow?
20:28Oh, what's happened to his skin?
20:30Is he all right? The colour of it?
20:32He always looks like that.
20:34He's got five sunbed shops in Manchester.
20:36Ma'am, Ma'am, Michael's talking.
20:38Oh, my God, Michael!
20:40Dear God, don't let him die!
20:42Don't let him die!
20:50Mick! Mick!
20:52Don't let him die!
20:54I don't know what to do!
20:56Mick!
21:00Oh, please, don't let him die!
21:02Don't let him die!
21:14Hola.
21:16Can I borrow your towel, please?
21:18Ah!
21:20SHE SCREAMS
21:26Oh, God!
21:34It's OK, I'm coming!
21:46Jesus Christ!
21:48You didn't want to come back?
21:50Come on.
21:52I cannot hear, everyone!
22:00I'm coming!
22:02SHE SCREAMS
22:18SHE SCREAMS