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Short filmTranscript
00:00♪
00:10♪
00:31Has he gone off?
00:33He's on his way.
00:35He quite likes the drilling.
00:37Oh, bless.
00:39Look at his little face.
00:41He is so beautiful.
00:43Aren't you beautiful?
00:45Give us a kiss.
00:50It's still not too late to change his name, you know.
00:52Mam, I've told you.
00:54I am not changing his name.
00:56But what sort of a name is Coolio for a little lad?
00:58It's his name.
01:00You stick to your guns, Tal.
01:01Thanks, Dad.
01:03I think you should call the next one Doddy, after Ken Dodd.
01:06Don't be stupid.
01:07Well, you frigging started it.
01:09I mean, Anna said she wanted you to call him after her, Dad.
01:12Hey, we are not calling him Adolf.
01:14THEY LAUGH
01:16I hope my mam's all right.
01:18They should be down by now.
01:20She looked terrified last night.
01:22I know.
01:23It wasn't the most convincing acceptance of a marriage proposal I've ever seen.
01:27I think when he picked her up and carried her out the back,
01:30it was supposed to be like an officer and a gentleman.
01:33More like Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
01:37It spoilt it a bit when they had to come back for a wheelchair.
01:42Are my nana and grandad married now?
01:44No, they aren't.
01:46And he's not your grandad.
01:47Not yet.
01:50MUSIC PLAYS
01:56Morning. Morning.
01:59Martin, can you try again? They can't still be engaged.
02:01They said they'd let us know when a room became available.
02:04I double-checked they had our number.
02:07Oh. It's switched off.
02:11We shouldn't be staying here at all.
02:13We paid for the hotel in Altair. They made the double booking.
02:16It's their fault we're here.
02:18Any real man would have told them that.
02:20Do you really think I want to be here?
02:22Watching the man you had an affair with strutting around like a peacock?
02:26It wasn't an affair.
02:28It was a moment of madness.
02:30Yes, well, I'm pretty bloody mad myself right now.
02:33Well, then I suggest you get on the phone and get us out of here.
02:42Hola.
02:44Oh, fuck off.
02:47MUSIC PLAYS
03:04It's a shame I don't really tan.
03:08My mother was the same, white as a sheet she was.
03:12Your grandad didn't let her answer the door on Halloween
03:15because she used to frighten the kiddies.
03:18I'm trying to get these finished.
03:22How many are you going to have to do?
03:24I don't know. 30, 40.
03:27You'll get writer's cramp.
03:33Oh, Pauline said she had that.
03:36That's why she didn't write to me when they were in South Africa.
03:41Oh, was that writer's block?
03:46No, I think that's the one Geoffrey Archer had when he were in prison.
03:55Or was it that he didn't get writer's block in prison
04:00after thinking he might?
04:04I can't remember which magazine it were in.
04:07Mum, you're frying me brain.
04:09Oh, your father used to eat brains.
04:12I won't give these up.
04:15Lamb's brains.
04:17They were fried as well.
04:27Oh, look, Brad and Angelina are up.
04:30Oh, yeah.
04:32I wonder if we'll be invited to the wedding.
04:35I'd rather suck out my eyes with a vacuum cleaner
04:37and replace them with hot toffee apples.
04:39I'll tell them to put us down as not sure.
04:41Hey, do you want to go out for some lunch today?
04:43Nero's, all-you-can-eat Italian buffet, eight euros.
04:46No, a free mystery meatburger near the pool
04:49will make my life complete for today, thank you.
04:51Here you are, mystic Maureen.
04:54Capricorn, your mind is clear, your emotions calm,
04:57and this will help you to make the right choices for yourself
05:00and people you care about.
05:02A handsome stranger will make you an attractive offer you cannot refuse.
05:06Hiya, lads.
05:08Arm-wrestling competition near the pool at one o'clock.
05:11Five euros entry. Winner takes all.
05:17Bloody hell, she's good, ain't she?
05:20Bloody hell, she's good, ain't she?
05:33Well?
05:36Still engaged.
05:37Oh, for goodness sake.
05:39Hiya.
05:41Arm-wrestling competition at one o'clock.
05:43Five euro entry. Winner takes all.
05:46Hey, lads, do you want to run an arm-wrestling competition?
05:49Well...
05:52You can't say there's nothing to do here.
05:55Dear God in heaven.
05:57Kate, where are you going?
05:59Oh, dear.
06:14Hiya, Mel.
06:16Morning, Mum. Did you sleep all right?
06:18No, we were up half the night.
06:20I think Mel's done his backing.
06:22Ooh, spare us the gory details, will you?
06:25Don't be disgusting.
06:27I had a bad night up the stairs.
06:30Should have known, I've always had a weak back.
06:32Jesus, how weak is your back?
06:34She only weighs about three stone, wet through.
06:37Started as a twinge at the base of my spine when I went to bed.
06:41And during the night, it was more of a delay.
06:44Right.
06:46And this morning, it had turned into a persistent, nagging pain
06:49that moved right up to my shoulders.
06:51Yeah?
06:52Now it's like being constantly stabbed by 1,000-odd knives.
06:56Right.
06:59Do you think you should see a doctor, Mel?
07:01No, I'm not one to complain.
07:05Right.
07:07I'm going to get myself a brew.
07:09Oh.
07:10No, don't worry about us. We're fine, thanks.
07:13Ha!
07:15Did you have a nice lie-in?
07:17Nice lie-in?
07:18With him snoring like a pig next door
07:20and banging about in the bathroom till all hours.
07:23They must be joking.
07:25I think he's got haemorrhoids.
07:29Your father was the same.
07:31The hot weather always used to bring him down.
07:34Did you have a good talk last night, ma'am?
07:36He sweats as well.
07:37Comes out of him in buckets, it does.
07:39Apart from his back, the sweating and his piles,
07:42I think you've got yourself a real catch there, Madge.
07:45Never trust a man who sweats.
07:47They've always got something to hide.
07:50So when are you getting married, Nana?
07:52Tell Michael to go and play in the swings.
07:54I don't want to play in the swings.
07:56I want to stay here and see Mel's piles.
07:58Oh, no, you don't.
08:00Come on, ma'am, let's take the baby for a walk.
08:03Good idea.
08:04I could do with stretching my legs.
08:09Don't strain yourself, Madge.
08:11Bugger off!
08:18Come on, Madge.
08:23Thank you, darling.
08:25Geoff.
08:27Geoff, come here, son.
08:29What are you doing? I'm trying to organise everything here.
08:32We've got 55 euros.
08:34What a nice monkey's here.
08:36Hey, what's going on here?
08:39Nothing.
08:40What do you mean, nothing?
08:42Why have you moved all the chairs?
08:44You are not allowed to do this.
08:45We're having an arm-wrestling competition.
08:47Shut up!
08:49What competition?
08:50You cannot make a wrong competition.
08:52She's only joking.
08:54But we've already taken people's money.
08:56For Christ's sake!
08:58You cannot make arm-wrestling competition here.
09:00I'll bring the manageress.
09:02Hang on. Hang on, mate.
09:05There's nearly 100 euros here.
09:07Five euro per entry. Winner takes all.
09:10You let us have the competition.
09:12You can enter for free.
09:14Winner takes all?
09:16If you win it, you get the lot.
09:19Wait here. I'll get the better table.
09:24Where's the lady?
09:25To the chairs!
09:40Miss McDonagh.
09:41Oh, any news?
09:43You and Jacqueline greatly missed last night.
09:46A session with the MSA,
09:47Middlesbrough Swingers Association,
09:49was resounding success.
09:51New members, Edith and Eddie Gibson,
09:53are very much into Eno.
09:55So that's two more for our September bottoms-up evening.
09:59Oh, smashing!
10:00Good news.
10:01Alan's glasses turned up in the Nardini's hot tub.
10:04Bad news.
10:05Keith Bartlett's homemade lubricant
10:07has stripped the leather off my three-seater.
10:10Oh, dear.
10:12Another screaming orgasm?
10:14Oh, yes.
10:18MUSIC CONTINUES
10:24Here you are, ma'am.
10:26It's got an evil look, that child.
10:28Mother, that's your great-grandson.
10:31Your Uncle Douglas had that look and he murdered a man.
10:35Douglas Douglas?
10:36He was deaf and only had one eye.
10:38Who's he supposed to have murdered?
10:40Oh, they covered it up.
10:41He drowned a man in Medley Street Baths for borrowing his soap.
10:45Oh, turn that buggy round. He's giving me black looks.
10:48Mother, I won't tell you again.
10:54Thank you, love.
10:57So, what's going on with Mel?
11:00What do you mean, what's going on?
11:02Well, last night when he asked you to marry him and you said yeah,
11:05you didn't mean it, did you?
11:07Of course I meant it.
11:08Why would I say yes if I didn't mean it?
11:10But, Mother, you've just spent half the day moaning about him.
11:15I don't know. There's something about him.
11:18I just don't think he's right.
11:20Course he's not right. He's off his bleeding nut.
11:24So why are you going to marry him?
11:26Because.
11:27It may have escaped your notice,
11:29but I've not exactly got offers coming out my ears.
11:32I need someone to look after me.
11:35I thought I looked after you.
11:37I can hardly compare you to him.
11:40He's a successful businessman with five shops
11:43and a static caravan in Lytton.
11:46What have you got?
11:54This tea's cold.
11:57I'll get you another.
12:09Come on!
12:21Come on!
12:27Come on!
12:29You can do it!
12:39Come on!
12:53Yeah!
12:55Way to go!
13:00Come on!
13:10Yeah!
13:18Now my back's gone.
13:27Hola.
13:28What do you want?
13:30I like you.
13:32I like a woman with...
13:34How do you say?
13:36Spank.
13:38Look, I know it's not going to be easy,
13:41but the past must remain in the past.
13:44I'm flattered that you still hold a torch for me,
13:46but I'm a married woman.
13:48What happened between us last year was a moment of madness.
13:51Nothing more.
13:53Last year?
13:55Yes, last year.
13:57We have met before?
13:59You mean you don't even remember?
14:02I am a busy man.
14:04My God, you're an animal.
14:06So, do you want to eat some Spanish sausage or not?
14:11Ah! Now I remembered you.
14:14Come on, Martin!
14:16Come on, Martin!
14:18Come on, Martin!
14:20Keep going.
14:22Come on, Martin!
14:24Come on, Martin!
14:26Come on!
14:30Sorry, I didn't hurt your hand there, did I?
14:32No, really, I'm fine.
14:34All the way.
14:36Right, you're in the final.
14:38Martin, you've beaten four people.
14:40I know.
14:41You're in the final.
14:42Surprised you noticed.
14:44OK, second semi-final,
14:46the Oracle, that'll be me,
14:48versus Potato.
14:50Mateo.
14:51Yeah, whatever.
14:52Me and you, semi-final.
14:54Bring it on.
15:00Let's do this properly.
15:02Follow me.
15:05Fat boy.
15:17Not a bad cup of tea, that, considering they're foreigners.
15:22Er, not in front of the baby mother.
15:24He doesn't understand about cigarettes.
15:27I don't mean you're setting a bad example,
15:29I'm talking about passive smoking.
15:31Passive smoking? It's just a myth.
15:33It's like them people that say going on sunbeds is bad for you.
15:37Well, it is.
15:39I've smoked since I was 16,
15:41and I've been using sunbeds since the mid-80s,
15:43and look at me. Picture of health.
15:45Yeah.
15:48Right, let's get shifted.
15:50I didn't come all the way to Spain to sit indoors.
15:53Ma'am, what I said about Mel,
15:56I've got nothing against him personally.
15:59I just want the best for you.
16:01You know that, don't you?
16:03I know you do, darling.
16:05And believe me, I'm well aware that Mel is by no means the best.
16:09Well, you'll do for me.
16:11Come on.
16:14I wonder if they do pile cream out here.
16:26Come on, big fella!
16:29Oracle, come on!
16:33Come on, son. Keep going.
16:36Just push harder than him.
16:38I know how to do it!
16:40Sorry, son. I'm just trying to be helpful.
16:43You're not helping!
16:45Oi! Excuse me, lad! No waves off the green, please!
16:48Get off me wheel!
16:53Come on, lad!
16:56A man who doesn't ever win, his technique's all wrong.
16:59You're such an expert, I hope you got knocked out.
17:02I did better than you, knocked out in the first round,
17:04being a bloody woman.
17:06Yes, we're sorry about that,
17:08but my Jacqueline's always had strong wrists, haven't you, darling?
17:11Oh, yeah.
17:14Come on!
17:16Come on!
17:21Come on, take it to them.
17:23Go to your mammy, you big, fat baby.
17:25I'm not a baby! I'm a dragon!
17:37No, no, no! Illegal move!
17:39Illegal move, you use both hands at the end!
17:42You're the loser, deal with it. Next.
17:46Hey, mate, you're in the final. Who do you think won?
17:49Well, there's no doubt in my mind who I'm in the final with.
17:54Shall we?
17:56Well, thanks a bunch, pal.
17:58Nice to see us Brits sticking together.
18:01Hey, wait a minute, this is not fair.
18:03He's had a rest. I need 10, 15 minutes.
18:06LAUGHTER
18:13Right, you don't want to wrestle, forget it.
18:16I'm OK to go again.
18:24OK, OK, high five.
18:33Come on, lad. After you.
18:37CHEERING
18:39Oh, your barber will be going to send out a search party.
18:42Excuse me, lady coming through.
18:44Darling, darling, front row seat.
18:46Thanks, Mel.
18:48Right, this is the grand final
18:50of the Benidorm Arm Wrestling Competition 2007.
18:56England...
18:57CHEERING
18:59..versus Spain.
19:01CHEERING
19:03Who are you?
19:05Henry Cooper once said... Get on with it!
19:09All right, all right.
19:11Rock hands.
19:13That's not nice.
19:19Take the strain.
19:24And wrestle!
19:32Come on, Martin.
19:35Martin, Martin, Martin!
19:42Come on, Martin!
19:47Yes!
19:49Hang on, hang on, his elbow left the table.
19:51Surely that can't be right?
19:55You don't go left the table, you disqualify!
19:58Loud, dirty, twisting Spanish bastard!
20:02All right, Mum, sit down.
20:06No, no, let's go again.
20:08You what? Let's go again!
20:10I don't want to win by default.
20:12Are you stupid? You've won...
20:14Martin, Martin, take the disqualification.
20:17Yes, it is the only way you are going to win.
20:20Why don't you take the disqualification, Martin?
20:27Not on your nelly.
20:31All right, come on!
20:33Let's get on with it!
20:41The excitement's unbearable.
20:43I hope it lasts.
20:45Take the strain.
20:48And wrestle!
20:52Come on, Martin!
20:54Come on!
21:00Come on!
21:15Let the winner get to sleep with your wife.
21:26I'm a diva! I'm a diva!
21:30Peter, Peter, can you switch it, please?
21:36Well done, son.
21:41Come on, we're going upstairs.
22:00Subtitling by SUBS Hamburg