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00:00[♪ music begins to play in a fast, upbeat rhythm ♪
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00:28Oh, you didn't go.
00:37I knew you wouldn't.
00:39No point spending money on another flight when we've only got a few days left.
00:45My flight has been cancelled.
00:47Has it?
00:48Why's that?
00:49Why do you think?
00:52I don't know.
00:54Oh, it's not that volcano in Lapland, is it?
00:58You'd think this bit of rain had put it out.
01:01Bit of rain?
01:03It's practically a tsunami.
01:04What?
01:05This?
01:06Oh, it's just a shower.
01:07Me and your father had worse weather than this on holiday.
01:14Bridlington, 1958.
01:18Do you know he got struck by lightning four times that week?
01:24I blame that metal plate in his head.
01:27Do you remember?
01:29Geoff used to stick fridge magnets on him when he were asleep.
01:35Right, shall we have some breakfast?
01:54Two pairs of carpet slippers completely ruined.
01:57Who brings carpet slippers on holiday?
01:59You're on holiday in Benidorm, not the Orient Express.
02:02I beg your pardon?
02:03And my £120 air dryer's completely knackered.
02:04Oh, yeah?
02:05And don't think we haven't heard about you running your legal air salon from your room.
02:06You're lucky we're not charging you business rates.
02:07Oh, brilliant.
02:08Excuse me.
02:09Our apartment is totally flooded.
02:10Yes, I know.
02:11We are all sitting in the same boat.
02:12But it's not a boat.
02:13That's my point.
02:14You've got untold business.
02:15You've got untold business.
02:16You've got untold business.
02:17You've got untold business.
02:18You've got untold business.
02:19You've got untold business.
02:20You've got untold business.
02:21You've got untold business.
02:22That's my point.
02:23You've got untold bits and bobs floating down the corridors.
02:27I'm worried about kiddies picking them up because some of them are of, well, shall we
02:32say, a personal nature.
02:34I've been wading through water all morning and my plaster's gone soggy.
02:37I've got a case full of clothes ruined.
02:39What are you going to do about it?
02:40I want it detained, please.
02:41We're going to get nowhere if everybody keeps talking at once.
02:44We're all going to die.
02:45We're all going to die.
02:47It's a terrorist attack.
02:49We're all going to die.
02:52I think that's a little excessive.
02:58Oh, do you think so?
02:59Well, you've obviously not thought things through.
03:02A rainstorm in Spain in the middle of summer.
03:05It was 28 degrees yesterday.
03:07Oh, no, you've just listened to me.
03:09There are dark forces at work.
03:11By the end of today, this place will be a pile of rubble covered in dead bodies.
03:17It'll be like 7-Eleven all over again.
03:21It's not a terrorist attack.
03:23It's a bloody thunderstorm.
03:25Oh, don't try and cover it up.
03:27I know all about conspiracy theories.
03:30I once met Mohamed El-Fayed in a lift.
03:33Can I have your attention, please, ladies and gentlemen?
03:36Will you please calm down for just one minute, please?
03:39Shut up!
03:41Thank you, Cheney.
03:43Now, if you'd all like to make your way down to the Hawaiian Function Room,
03:47all complaints will be handled there.
03:50No weather-related complaints will be taken at reception.
03:54We also have some exclusive, top-class entertainment
03:59planned for you this lunchtime,
04:01again, down in the Hawaiian Function Room.
04:04You what?
04:05There will also be specialty cocktails
04:08and star-prized bingo,
04:10where the full-house prize will be a brand-new laptop.
04:14Hey!
04:15You what?
04:18If you'd just like to follow Maggie and myself,
04:20we'll get you all sorted.
04:22Cocktails! Who wants cocktails?
04:24It's half past ten in the morning.
04:26I'm not being funny, but would you mind speaking for yourself?
04:29Come on, everybody, follow me.
04:31This way.
04:32Oh, yeah.
04:33And where's this laptop coming from?
04:35Not to mention the exclusive, top-class entertainment.
04:38Don't worry, just leave it to me.
04:40I know what I'm doing.
04:42Yeah. Will you, Benny?
04:44God!
04:47Janey, what the hell have you done with this weather?
04:49It's the middle of August.
04:51Hello, Johnny. I didn't know you were in town.
04:53Well, you know me.
04:55Muah, muah.
04:56Always like to keep a low profile.
04:58Yeah, right.
04:59We're refurbishing a new place across town,
05:01but there's no power because of the storm.
05:03Don't.
05:04We've had to unplug all the mobility scooters.
05:06People are staggering around.
05:08I haven't walked since the early 80s.
05:10Got time for a coffee?
05:11Of course you have.
05:12Excuse me.
05:13What's being done about all this flooding?
05:16I'm all for water features, but not coming out of a lift.
05:18All complaints are being handled
05:20by our fully-trained crisis team
05:22in the YM Function Room,
05:24under the stairs, end of the corridor.
05:26It's not a crisis team you need. It's a bloody pump.
05:28Janice?
05:30Sorry, love, do I know you?
05:32Johnny Neptune. I mean, Nelson.
05:35Johnny Nelson.
05:37Oh, my God.
05:43How are you?
05:45You don't look any different.
05:47I mean, that is a lie.
05:49You look better, if that's possible.
05:55You all right, love?
05:57Sorry, love. Where did you say the pump was?
05:59I mean, the Hawaiian crisis team.
06:01I mean...
06:02Under the stairs, the end of the corridor.
06:04Under the stairs.
06:06End of the corridor.
06:08Are you upset, ma'am?
06:10No, let's go.
06:12Who's that?
06:15That is the only woman I've ever asked to marry me.
06:18And she said no.
06:20Christ!
06:22Talk about a lucky escape.
06:24Are we going to have that coffee, then?
06:26Do you mind if we grab it a bit later?
06:28Yeah, no problem.
06:30I'm not going anywhere today.
06:32Ain't you Miss Titanic?
06:34Can he help you?
06:41I'll be with you in two minutes.
06:43Right, son, listen.
06:45All you've got to do is make a note
06:47of which rooms are flooded, right?
06:49Write them down.
06:51And then radio housekeeping.
06:53I'm off to pull in a favour
06:55to try and get some entertainment on it.
06:57Oh, Dad?
06:59Yes?
07:01Can you tune it in for me?
07:03No, it doesn't need tuning.
07:05But there's no display.
07:07How will I know which station is radio housekeeping?
07:09No, son.
07:12It'll go straight through to housekeeping
07:14and you tell them which rooms are flooded.
07:16OK?
07:18Cool.
07:20I'm going to text my mates.
07:22Never been on the radio before.
07:28424.
07:32Where's my Nana?
07:34I don't know, son.
07:36Where's my Dad?
07:38You know where he is.
07:41What?
07:43I said, he went looking for towels.
07:47Thanks for telling me
07:49about the Hawaii bunker.
07:51Where's Madge Bin-Laden?
07:53I don't know.
07:55You all right?
07:57You look like you've seen a ghost.
07:59I'm fine.
08:01Can you get in that queue and tell them about the apartment?
08:03OK.
08:05You sure you're all right?
08:07Yeah.
08:09I just need a bit of fresh air.
08:11Michael, save this table
08:13and get another chair for your Nana.
08:15Michael.
08:17All right.
08:19Don't forget your brolly.
08:23We are.
08:25Look, you sit there.
08:27Gavin'll let them know about our apartments.
08:29No point in all of us queuing up.
08:31You're a good lad.
08:33Now, how are you feeling?
08:35Gavin's been dead worried about you
08:38Well, yes.
08:40There have been developments.
08:42But both Donald and I have agreed
08:44we don't want to talk about them
08:46with other people.
08:48No, of course you don't.
08:50We're all on holiday.
08:52The last thing you want to be doing
08:54is bringing people down with stories
08:56about hospitals and illnesses.
08:58I've got three months to live.
09:00Well, that didn't take long.
09:02I wonder what entertainment
09:04they've got lined up.
09:08Oh, come on, cheer up.
09:10It's only a bit of rain.
09:12We could all be dead this time next week.
09:14Some more likely than others.
09:16I'm sorry?
09:26Hiya.
09:28Hiya.
09:30Can I have one of these chairs?
09:32Yeah.
09:34Thanks.
09:37What's your name?
09:39Paige.
09:41Like in a book?
09:43Yeah.
09:45Okay.
09:47Bye.
09:49Bye.
09:55You haven't got to spare one of those, have you, love?
09:57Sorry, sweetheart.
09:59It's my last one.
10:01No worries.
10:03Here you go.
10:05Jesus, you scared me.
10:09I'm all right.
10:11You just said you wanted one.
10:13I'm fine, thank you.
10:17You grew up?
10:19Of course I grew up.
10:21What a stupid thing to say.
10:30How are you, Jenny?
10:33Great.
10:35Really good, thanks.
10:37On holiday with my family.
10:39My husband and my family.
10:41Listen, am I upsetting you?
10:43No, you're not upsetting me.
10:45I...
10:47Johnny, the last time I saw you,
10:49I was a girl.
10:51A 17-year-old girl.
10:53You know,
10:55it's just weird seeing you after all this time.
10:57All of a sudden, I'm back there.
10:59It's 1984.
11:02It's the end of the summer,
11:04and I ask you to marry me,
11:06and you say no,
11:08and you break my heart.
11:10Well, we've both had long enough
11:12to get over it.
11:14Well, I'd better get off.
11:16Back to work.
11:18Back to the UK tomorrow.
11:20How's your mum?
11:22What a strange thing to ask.
11:24You never met her.
11:26I know, but I knew all about her.
11:28It's probably why I never met her.
11:30Your mother's in her 70s.
11:32I just want her to come home,
11:34but she's determined to stay out here.
11:36Says she wants to run other business out here.
11:38She said,
11:40that Bruce Forsythe is still working.
11:42He's in his 90s.
11:44I told her, no, he can't be.
11:46He's still got all his own hair.
11:48Sorry, I'm waffling.
11:50Why did you say no, Janice?
11:52Because I'm sure he's nowhere near 90.
11:54We saw him on the telephone.
11:56He said,
11:59We saw him on the telly the other week.
12:01He sang Mr. Bojangles and did the splits at the end.
12:03Why did you say no
12:05when I asked you to marry me?
12:07What?
12:09You think if I'd said yes
12:11we'd still be living happily ever after?
12:15I went to the cinema on my own.
12:17What?
12:19The last time we were supposed to meet,
12:21you know, when you didn't turn up.
12:23Against all odds.
12:25Quite apt, really.
12:28Jan, mate.
12:30I'm heading back now.
12:40You were going to say something.
12:44Take care of yourself.
12:48Yeah.
12:58I think this is just
13:00about the worst holiday I've ever had.
13:02I mean, it's been crap up until now,
13:04but at least the sun was shining.
13:06How's your leg?
13:08Oh, I'm not sure. Let me check.
13:10Oh, yeah, still broken.
13:12I was only asking.
13:14Hola.
13:16Hurricane cocktails for very thirsty people.
13:18Hey, are you all right?
13:20I'm fine.
13:22Are you okay?
13:24Yeah, I'm fine, thank you.
13:26Am I supposed to know
13:28what all this means?
13:30That's vile.
13:32I'm going to get a coffee.
13:34Do you want one?
13:36Yeah, thanks.
13:38I was saying,
13:40don't mention about last night.
13:42Last night?
13:44In the shower cubicle next to Paul.
13:46What are you talking about?
13:48We were both really drunk.
13:50It was dark.
13:52I ripped your vest.
13:55Look, all I'm saying is,
13:57don't tell Nat we had sex,
13:59because she still has feelings for you.
14:01Natalie still has feelings for me?
14:03I think so.
14:05Which is why it makes us just a little bit awkward.
14:07Okay.
14:09Thank you for telling me.
14:13Oh.
14:15By the way,
14:17I did not have sex last night,
14:19and certainly not in the shower cubicle by the pool.
14:21Uh-uh.
14:25Hey.
14:35There you go.
14:41You all right?
14:43I think I'm going to be sick.
14:47Dad, what's going on?
14:49Is this Spain? When's it going to stop?
14:51Never seen her like it, son.
14:54I'm no Michael Fish,
14:56but even I know it shouldn't be boiling hot one day
14:58and pissing buckets the next.
15:00I've told you, it's a conspiracy.
15:02What's that mean?
15:04It means it's not long
15:06before the men in white coats arrive
15:08and put your nana in a yellow van with square wheels.
15:10Special Orican cocktails.
15:16And one there.
15:18There's someone sitting there as well.
15:20I don't want one.
15:23You're all right. Leave it there.
15:25She might have it later.
15:27I won't. I've said I'm not drinking today.
15:29Put it down.
15:31She might change her mind.
15:33No, I won't.
15:35Dad.
15:37They're free.
15:39If you want another one, you can just go and get one.
15:45Oh, that is vile.
15:47So you don't want this one?
15:49No, you're all right. Leave it there.
15:51Well, they're free, aren't they?
15:53Hiya.
15:55You all all right?
15:57Yeah. Where have you been?
15:59Went to the loo. Is that all right?
16:01As long as you don't let it happen again.
16:03What's that you're drinking?
16:05Cocktails.
16:09Bloody hell, that's rough.
16:11Michael, go and get us a cup of tea.
16:13Mam, do you want anything?
16:15Oh, yeah. Lovely cup of tea.
16:18Get me and your Nana a cup of tea.
16:20Mick?
16:22Aye, go on, tea. Two sugars.
16:24I'll have it as a chaser after my cocktail.
16:26Three cups of tea, Michael, with a brandy in mine.
16:28I thought you weren't drinking.
16:30It's in tea. It doesn't count.
16:32Yeah, I'll remind you of that when you're singing with a band
16:34after your ninth cup of tea.
16:38Are you all right?
16:40Yeah.
16:44Sometimes it's hard to be
16:47a woman
16:53Giving all your love
16:55to just one man
17:01You've had
17:03bad times
17:05and you've had
17:07good times
17:09Doing things
17:11that you don't
17:13understand
17:17That's a bad voice.
17:19She's got a look at that bum
17:21and you see every now and again.
17:23You know the little bald
17:25fella?
17:27Same lived-in face.
17:29They might be related.
17:31Is this honestly,
17:33honestly, your idea of a good time?
17:35Course it is.
17:37Rain belting down
17:39outside.
17:41Everybody pulling together.
17:43Making their own entertainment.
17:45Look, you've got dominoes on the go
17:47and they say someone might
17:49get up and do a bit of karaoke.
17:51It's got a
17:53lovely wartime feel
17:55about it.
17:57Anyway, we're the lucky ones.
17:59Some people are being flooded out.
18:01Two beautiful cocktails
18:03for two beautiful women.
18:05Not for us. Thank you, darling.
18:07Three.
18:09These are special cocktails. Only one per...
18:11Three. Here.
18:15No, Pauline.
18:17No.
18:19You've done so well.
18:21Now, listen to me.
18:23Listen to me.
18:25What did Dr. Noble say?
18:27One more drink
18:29and that liver of yours
18:31will burst like an overfilled
18:33icing bag.
18:35Three.
18:37Three.
18:39Three.
18:41Three.
18:44I'm 42.
18:46Single.
18:48Twice divorced.
18:50Financially
18:52and morally bankrupt.
18:54On holiday with my mother
18:56in Benidorm
18:58in the driving, pissing rain.
19:00I have one rabid cat
19:02which cannot be released from customs
19:04and I am absolutely
19:06caked in thrush.
19:08And you tell me
19:10I don't deserve a drink?
19:13Come on, Pauline.
19:15Think about what you're doing.
19:17Remember
19:19when you met Roy Castle
19:21when you were 12
19:23and he asked you what you wanted to be
19:25when you grew up and you said
19:27a rodeo clown.
19:29Remember
19:31what he said to you?
19:33You can be anything you
19:35want to be.
19:37You don't want to be this.
19:39For the love
19:41of Roy
19:43put the drink
19:45down.
19:49Dedication.
19:51Dedication.
19:53Dedication.
19:55Dedication
19:57is what you need
19:59if you want to be
20:01the best
20:03and you want to beat
20:05the rest.
20:07Dedication's
20:10what you need
20:14if you want to
20:16be a record breaker
20:18oh
20:20oh
20:22oh
20:24oh
20:26oh
20:28yeah
20:34And show the world
20:36you love him
20:39Keep giving all
20:41the love you can
20:47Oh Pauline
20:49What are we
20:51going to do with you?
21:05Three teas please
21:07and me Nana said can you whack a brandy in hers?
21:13Wait your turn.
21:19I saw you earlier on.
21:21Did ya?
21:23Yes.
21:25You were making eyes at that girlie.
21:29She's through there isn't she?
21:31I don't think she...
21:33Don't think she what?
21:36I don't think she likes me.
21:38No bollocks.
21:40You want a beer?
21:42Erm...
21:44And one for the boy as well.
21:48Sorry.
21:50Excuse me.
21:55Let me give you some advice Sammy.
21:57What you have to do
21:59is just go in there
22:01and lay your cards on the table.
22:03None of this playing hard to get
22:06and being cool.
22:08A woman likes to know where she stands.
22:10Flattery.
22:12That's what you need.
22:14That's being nice to someone isn't it?
22:16Don't be nice.
22:18Nice doesn't
22:20come anywhere close.
22:22You're dealing with a woman here.
22:24You've got to make her feel
22:26as though
22:28she's the most beautiful creature
22:30who ever drew pretty.
22:32Tell her
22:34we like to be treated like ladies.
22:36Made to feel special.
22:55Try it.
22:57You'll be surprised at the results.
22:59What bloody hell's going on here?
23:02You look real nice in here Mum.
23:04Oh Jesus.
23:06Is he pissed?
23:08Come on.
23:12Michael.
23:16Keep him coming Jose.
23:26You can tell the world
23:28you never was my girl.
23:31You can burn my clothes
23:33when I'm cold.
23:35Or you can tell your friends
23:37just what a fool I've been.
23:39And laugh and joke about me all the more.
23:43You have three months to live.
23:45I'm sorry
23:47I can't quite get my head around this.
23:49Well I don't want to go too much
23:51into detail.
23:53Of course not.
23:55Yes it's an hereditary problem that runs on the family.
23:57My father died when he was 51.
23:59Not far off that myself.
24:01Yes none of us
24:03are getting any
24:05younger.
24:07It's going to be a difficult time ahead.
24:09Somehow Jacqueline seems to be coping so far.
24:15Yes I can see that.
24:17You know
24:19when Sammy Davis Junior was told
24:21he only had a few months to live
24:23he said
24:25I must have packed several lifetimes
24:28I feel very much the same.
24:30Except you're still in your late forties.
24:32It's interesting.
24:34Sammy Davis and I seem to have led parallel lives.
24:36Yes to look at you
24:38you could have been brothers.
24:40Both natural performers
24:42both suffered at the hands of mindless racism
24:44both Jewish.
24:46I very nearly had my eye poked out
24:48last year
24:50at the Middlesbrough Swingers Association summer fetish ball.
24:52I didn't know you were Jewish.
24:54Oh yes before I met Jacqueline
24:57a lovely Jewish girl from the Gorbals
24:59her father wouldn't let us get engaged
25:01until I converted.
25:03Didn't work out in the end.
25:05But it was only the other week
25:07I realized
25:09I forgot to convert back.
25:11Still I don't suppose
25:13Jacqueline will worry too much.
25:15She's very broad minded.
25:27Ladies and gentlemen
25:29Liam will be coming round with your cards
25:31and your damas
25:33for today's big prize bingo.
25:35Four of you?
25:37Don't give me one.
25:39Can't be asked for all that rubbish.
25:41I used to do six books at a time in the 70s
25:43still keeping an eye on half a dozen kids
25:45and an husband but a wandering eye.
25:47Gonna do mine then?
25:49Yeah pass it over.
25:51Thought you wanted to win the laptop.
25:53I'm not bothered.
25:55Love to play on the machines.
25:57Dad is it alright for me to spend a few euros on the machines?
25:59Of course it is son you're on holiday.
26:05What you want me to give it to you?
26:07What happened to all that money you've been saving up all year?
26:11I'll give it to my nanny.
26:13Bloody hell.
26:15Michael here.
26:17I want the change.
26:19Thanks mum.
26:21Unbelievable.
26:24I'm doing him a favour.
26:26You'll have only wasted it on sweets and rubbish.
26:28What as opposed to investing it in 200 Benson and Hedges
26:30and a new frock?
26:32You can give it him back tonight.
26:34You can take it out of that three grand with interest.
26:36That money is for my future.
26:38And anyway if you keep your trap shut for five minutes
26:40I'm about to win him a twin top computer.
26:42OK let's check those down.
26:50It's not going to be like this for the rest of the week is it?
26:53What the weather?
26:55Our bloody opener.
26:57We've had over a dozen apartments completely wrecked already.
26:59We're going to have to transfer
27:01some of the people over to another hotel.
27:03Really?
27:05Yeah.
27:07And if they think the food's crap here
27:09wait till they go up to the hotel to earn out.
27:11Dear chef got taught to cook in prison.
27:13I tell you I wouldn't exactly like to queue up to taste his prawn ring.
27:17How's it going with Liam?
27:19You what?
27:21I say he's nice.
27:23He's the kind of lad who used to send out to shops for a tin of tartan paint.
27:25I'm not going out with anyone.
27:27I'm single.
27:29Single? Nice looking lass like you.
27:31You should have a boyfriend.
27:33What?
27:35I used to go out with one of the barmen here.
27:37Mateo.
27:39I think he's playing it cool.
27:41Mateo playing it cool?
27:43More like he can't remember you.
27:45Well kind of serious.
27:47He asked me to marry him.
27:50Can I have an orange juice please?
27:52Of course you can sweetheart.
27:56Excuse me is this seat taken?
27:58No.
28:02You look really nice.
28:04Do I?
28:06Yeah. I like your hair.
28:08It's really nice.
28:10Actually not nice.
28:12Beautiful.
28:14Really beautiful.
28:16Would you like a drink darling?
28:19A coke please and whatever the lady's having.
28:21The lady?
28:23I think she's got a drink.
28:25Oh yeah.
28:27Better go back.
28:29Are you going to Neptune's tonight?
28:31Yeah.
28:33Can I meet you there?
28:35Yeah.
28:37OK. See you tonight.
28:39See you tonight.
28:41Michael?
28:43Yeah?
28:45I like your t-shirt.
28:48She remembered my name.
28:50Oh.
28:52More than they usually do for me.
28:56Two little ducks.
28:58The number two.
29:00No that's one duck.
29:02Just one duck that time.
29:04Maggie's den.
29:06Number ten.
29:08Maggie's den?
29:10When was the last time he called bingo?
29:12Key of the door.
29:1434.
29:16Key of the door is 21.
29:18This is rubbish.
29:20Be quiet.
29:22Since when did you turn into a bingo expert?
29:24Shut up.
29:26All the elevens.
29:28Sorry I mean eleven.
29:30He's taking the piss now.
29:32Shut up.
29:34Four and nine.
29:36The Brighton line.
29:3849.
29:40I only need seven to win.
29:42What seven numbers?
29:45I'll go up to 50.
29:47So scrap that last one.
29:49Pull it, pull it, pull it.
29:51And your next number out is, on its own, number six.
29:53Horse.
29:55Horse.
29:57I've won.
29:59I've won.
30:01It's me.
30:03I've won.
30:05Fuck the lot of you.
30:07Stick it up your asses.
30:09You grey, floppy, lifeless asses.
30:11Look at you.
30:14All sitting there.
30:16Desperate to get your clemmy paws on the prize.
30:18Aching to get something for nothing.
30:20You blubbery, sweaty, vomitous faces.
30:22Grey and bloated from an odious diet of take-away food and reality TV.
30:24Well, not this time.
30:26I'm the winner.
30:28And you're all losers.
30:30You'll never do anything with your lives.
30:32No pride.
30:34You're all losers.
30:36You're all losers.
30:38You'll never do anything with your lives.
30:40No pride.
30:42No ambition.
30:44I hope you all die of shame.
30:46Yes, ladies and gentlemen.
30:48We have a winner.
30:50Well done.
30:52We'll give you your prize in Neptune's tonight again.
30:54Hit it, boys.
31:08I'm going out tonight.
31:11I'm feeling all right.
31:13I'm going to let it all hang out.
31:15The best thing about being a woman
31:17is a prerogative to have a little fun.
31:19Oh, oh, oh.
31:21Totally crazy.
31:23Forget I'm a lady.
31:25A man should short-stretch.
31:27Oh, oh, oh.
31:29I want to be free and feel the way I feel.
31:31Man, I feel like a man.
31:33Oh, oh, oh.
31:35Oh, oh, oh.
31:37Oh, oh, oh.
31:40Man, I feel like a woman.
31:52Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter.
31:54Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter.
31:56Who told you're allowed to rain on my parade?
31:58I want to march my band out.
32:00I'll beat my drum.
32:02I want to march my band out.
32:04I'll beat my drum.
32:08Another one bites the dust.
32:10Not bad. How about this one?
32:12Blue Oyster Cult.
32:14Don't Fear the Reaper.
32:16I've heard of it. Good title, though.
32:18Hello. We don't want to disturb you,
32:20but we just want to say we hope you're feeling OK.
32:22Sit down, boys.
32:24We don't want to intrude, you know, with you not having much time left.
32:26Nonsense. Sit down.
32:29We were just looking at songs
32:31for Donald's funeral.
32:33Ooh, what about this one?
32:35Going Underground by the Jams.
32:37Not bad,
32:39but weren't we considering a cremation?
32:41Disco Inferno by Tina Turner.
32:43Burn, baby, burn.
32:45Too obvious.
32:47Pardon me for breathing.
32:49What would you have at your funeral, Gavin?
32:51Ding-dong, the witch is dead.
32:55I Would Have Gone Too Soon by Michael Jackson.
32:58Beautiful song.
33:00What if he lived to be 90?
33:02Very doubtful.
33:04None taken.
33:06Here we are. I think I've got it.
33:08Go on.
33:10Well, you know you said there was no point
33:12getting a second opinion
33:14because this form of cancer's never been successfully treated.
33:16Yes.
33:18The verve.
33:20The drugs don't work.
33:22Perfect.
33:28Another concept of work
33:30is still slightly alien to you,
33:32but the idea is when people have got
33:34empty glasses in front of them,
33:36it means they're finished with them.
33:38I was having a power nap.
33:40I was having a power nap.
33:42Who do you think you are, Jeff Capes?
33:44Who's Jeff Capes?
33:46Don't change the subject.
33:48If this bar isn't covered in empty glasses
33:50in the next 30 seconds,
33:52you will be out of a job before you've even started.
33:58Everything all right, young'un?
34:00Yeah, I'm OK.
34:02Yeah? Doesn't sound like it.
34:04You know that Natalie?
34:06The lass you've been seeing a bit of, aye?
34:08I think she's losing interest in me.
34:10Oh, I'm starting to hear that.
34:12Still, there's plenty more fish in the sea.
34:14So I'm going to ask her to marry me.
34:16Ah, right.
34:18I don't think that's such a good idea, son.
34:20Why not?
34:22I think she'd make a great daughter-in-law.
34:24No, no, I don't mean that.
34:26Well,
34:28I think you should take things a bit slow.
34:30You know,
34:32a holiday romance is one thing,
34:34but I think it's a bit soon to be thinking about marriage.
34:36No, no.
34:38Fortune flavours the brave.
34:40Does it not?
34:42Yeah.
34:44Is that not a famous saying?
34:46Not exactly.
34:48Right, cos it just came to me in a dream.
34:50Son.
34:52Good luck, son.
34:56Don't look involved, Dad.
35:02Right, that's where I'm afraid of.
35:17Sean Foster Connolly
35:19with the Bobby Darin classic
35:21Don't Rain On My Parade.
35:23And don't forget, tomorrow
35:26it's 80s night.
35:28We want to see big hair,
35:30naff jewellery
35:32and fashion 30 years out of date.
35:34Actually, most of you can come just as you are.
35:36And now, before we move on
35:38to the karaoke,
35:40a great 80s track
35:42from a very good friend of mine,
35:44Mr Johnny Neptune.
35:46CHEERING
35:48APPLAUSE
35:50Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
35:52Mum,
35:55how about if I go sit at the bar?
35:57How can I just let you walk away?
35:59Just let you leave
36:01without a trace?
36:03When I stand here
36:05taking every breath
36:07with you
36:09Mum!
36:11You're the only one
36:13who really knew me
36:15at all
36:21How can you just walk away
36:23from me
36:25when all I can do is watch you leave
36:27Natalie, I need to ask you something.
36:29What?
36:31Outside.
36:33Can't you just ask me here?
36:35Out.
36:37Sorry.
36:39There's going to be a fight. Can I come and watch?
36:49Make sure you get the first punch in that
36:52sack of shit.
36:54There's nothing left here
36:56to remind me
36:58Just the memory
37:00of your face
37:02Take a look at me now
37:06There's just
37:08an empty space
37:10Mr Goodyear.
37:12Have a look.
37:14What the frig's up with you, misery goods?
37:16You're supposed to be on your holidays.
37:18It's just a nice song.
37:21She's always been the same.
37:23She used to cry when they guessed the right house on through the keel.
37:25What's wrong with that?
37:27There's nothing wrong with that.
37:29It's what makes you beautiful
37:31and unique
37:33makes you my wife
37:35who after all these years I still love with a passion
37:37and wouldn't change for the world
37:41Hey, come on
37:45Come on
37:47Oh, that's all we need
37:49for this holiday
37:51Err it in the menopause like a bullet a gate
37:57Just the memory of your face
37:59Take a look at me now
38:13Come on now, let's hear it
38:15for Mr Johnny Neptune
38:19He's about to hop off on a flight back with you tonight
38:21Let's give him a good send off
38:27Liam, is this going to take long?
38:29Because you can already leave a spoon standing up in that risotto as it is
38:33Sorry, love
38:39Just lean there
38:41Now, try
38:44Oh
38:48Natalie
38:50Will you marry me?
38:52What?
38:56Will you marry me?
38:58No
39:00Was that it?
39:04Liam
39:06Liam
39:08You okay?
39:10Yeah, I'm fine
39:13You know I missed you
39:15Your father spoke to me since I got here
39:17I tried to give you space
39:19but it's hard for me
39:21Space?
39:23We saw each other every day for two weeks
39:25You told me you loved me
39:27We even spoke about marriage
39:29Then I went home and I never heard from you again
39:31Why didn't you call me?
39:33I lost my phone
39:35I tried to remember your mobile but
39:37I am no good with numbers
39:39You have my email address, my home address
39:41I am even worse with words
39:43I assumed you changed your number to get rid of me
39:45Get rid of you?
39:47Natalie, you were the best thing that ever happened to me
39:51I missed you so much
39:53If you can find it in your heart to forgive me
39:57You know where I am
39:59I'll love you until the last breath comes out of my mouth
40:11Do you want a drink, love?
40:13No, I'm alright, thanks
40:15Do you know that girl with the blonde hair
40:17with the red bits in?
40:19I don't think so
40:21She's my age
40:23I was sat with her at the bar and reception
40:25this afternoon
40:27Oh yeah, I know the one
40:29Has she been in here tonight?
40:31No, she won't be in here again
40:33They're one of the first ones
40:35I've ever seen
40:37I don't know
40:40They're one of the families
40:42that were flooded out
40:44They've been put in another hotel
40:46Oh, right
40:48Where's the other hotel?
40:50It's right over the other side of Benidorm
40:52You alright?
40:54Yeah
40:56Yeah, I'm fine, thanks
41:10I had a slice of your risotto
41:12I hope you don't mind
41:14So what did he want?
41:16Liam
41:18Oh, he asked me to marry him
41:26Oh, you can't say we haven't had a laugh before
41:29LAUGHS
41:39You can't say we haven't had a laugh on this holiday
41:45Are you alright?
41:49I think I'm in love
41:51What?
41:53Right
41:55Next karaoke cab off the rank
41:57It's Donald
41:59with a cheery little number
42:01called The Jugstep Witch
42:11Hey, where have you been?
42:13I had a date
42:15You what?
42:17What kind of date?
42:19A date with a girl
42:21But she didn't turn up
42:23Bloody hell, you kept that one quiet
42:26Perfect
42:28Don't worry, son
42:30You'll know when the right one comes along
42:32Won't he, Jam?
42:34You what?
42:36I said he'll know when the right one comes along
42:40Absolutely
42:43Like a cat in a bag
42:47Waiting to drown
42:49This time I'm coming down
42:53I could have sworn you said the bingo prize
42:55was a laptop
42:57No, no
42:59Laptop
43:03Well, what are we supposed to do with that?
43:05We're going home in two days
43:07Well, that's what you've won
43:09But I mean, if you don't want it
43:12I'm sorry about the confusion
43:14Hang on
43:16My daughter's coming back
43:18She's the one that won the bingo
43:24Pauline
43:26This young lady says you've won a dog in the bingo
43:30A lapdog
43:32Not a laptop
43:34But I know I'm on a losing streak
43:38Cos I'm passed out
43:40Your mam was just explaining
43:42how it might be a bit tricky
43:44taking the dog home
43:46So if you just pass him back
43:48we'll just leave it at that
43:50I'm not sure about the policy
43:52of dogs here either
43:54I suppose we just didn't
43:56really think it through
44:00So why don't I just take the dog back
44:03Get your hands off my dog
44:15I love you
44:19Do you love me?
44:21Say yes
44:25Where's Charlie?
44:27Er, sorry?
44:29Where's me dog?
44:32You said you'd be two minutes
44:34Erm, I think we might have a
44:36slate
44:38Probably
44:40Now the drugs don't work
44:42They just make you worse
44:44But I know
44:46I'll see your face again
44:48Just give me the bloody dog back
44:50She's not your dog
44:52She's my dog
44:54She's good lives
44:56Just give me the dog back
44:58We can't take it on the plane anyway
45:00You've some sort of mistake
45:02Just pass the dog to me
45:04You did have my dog
45:14Is it too late to get the laptop?
45:30You
45:32You
45:34You
45:36You
45:38You
45:40You
45:42You
45:44You
45:46You
45:48You
45:50You
46:00You